Monday, September 22, 2008

You MOB Mayoral Voters Guide

Nominations are now closed. It's time to meet the bloggers whom you will be gratuitously insulting over the next month.

BANIAIANANANIAN! (Incumbent) - SCSU Scholars

WHY HE WILL WIN: Having left me 3/4 of a bottle of Bushmills after the last PostMilF, the MOB Secretary of State for Life is seriously tempted to rig the election in his favor.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Even if he were to garner the majority of votes, the possibility that his victory was obtained through a rigged election will erode the confidence and support of his constituents. The mayor as corrupt ward boss zeitgeist will permeate the MOB at large leading to either open revolt or aggressive apathy toward the office. MOBsters will cease recognizing the authority of the Office of Mayor, choosing instead to leave the MOB for a more independent and agrarian lifestyle. The MOB will dissolve, rendering the need for a mayor a nullity. Kind of like the fall of the Roman Empire only funnier.

Also, "SCSU" is an anagram for "SUCS"


WHY SHE WILL WIN: Two words: slanderous photoshops.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: The MOB is not ready for a female mayor with such little experience. At least that's what all her greenhorn opponents will say.

JRoosh - Shot in the Dark

WHY HE WILL WIN: Has the weight of SITD's considerable traffic behind him. Can use his libertine editorial constraints there as a powerful get out the vote resource.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Tired of seeing JRoosh's posts pleading for SITD readers to vote for him 15 times a day, Mitch will kick JRoosh off the blog. Without a MOB blog, JRoosh will be constitutionally barred from holding the mayoral office.

Bobo the Talking Chimp - KAR

WHY HE WILL WIN: Because now, more than ever, the MOB is ready to break the species barrier and elect its first animated foul-mouthed animal.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: In his own words...

Teaparty - Terrible Babies

WHY HE WILL WIN: The entire electorate gets really really drunk to the point they lose control of their faculties and are physically unable to cast a vote; Teaparty remains sober enough to vote for himself.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: The reasons are too numerous to list on this briefly formatted voters guide.

Margaret Marteeeeeen - Our House

WHY SHE WILL WIN: According to his legions of detractors, Marteeeen's hubby David Strom controls everything.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: Haven't we already determined that Atomizer controls everything?

Teh Andee - Rezijewel Frocus

WHY HE WILL WIN: A former Mayor and long time party activist, Teh Andee has the experience and the well-oiled campaign machine to communicate his vision to the masses.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: No one has yet been able to decipher what exactly his message is.

Captain Ed Morrissey - CQ (defunct) / Hot Air

WHY HE WILL WIN: He merely has to wish for it to be so, and hit the "publish" button.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: He probably won't wish for it.

The Nightwriter (a/k/a John Stewart) - Nightwriter

WHY HE WILL WIN: He's a nice guy.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: The MOB hates nice guys.

Lady Logician - Ladies Logic

WHY SHE WILL WIN: She votes first, and immediately thereafter the earth crashes into the sun.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: For purposes of political satire, the role of the "inexperienced" firebrand female candidate has already been filled by Iron Matron.

Kevin "Kevie" Ecker - EckerNet

WHY HE WILL WIN: He could shoot all the other candidates.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Too drunk to aim straight.

All candidates are encouraged to participate in the debates, which could start as soon as tomorrow.

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