Friday, October 24, 2008

CSI Pittsburgh

So you've probably heard the story about this assault on a McCain campaign worker. According to the vic's (that's cool detective lingo for "victim"; it is - I saw it on Law & Order) story, a lone big black guy mugged her at knifepoint and stole the cash she just withdrew from an ATM. As he was leaving, he noticed that her car had a McCain bumper sticker, so he turned back to her, beat her up, and carved the letter "B" into her face with his knife.

I don't buy it.

First, there are the circumstances. An armed robbery committed by someone who doesn't want to get caught consists of three elements:

1) Threaten the vic with a weapon.

2) Take their shit.

3) Run.

Here, if we are to believe the vic (God I sound cool when I write that), her assailant observed some heretofore unknown steps:

4) Look at vic's rear bumper

5) Become enraged at something displayed on bumper

6) Administer a beatdown on vic

7) Carve an initial on vic's body.

One wonders whether the ATM at the crime scene was located in a deserted fallout shelter. I mean, this guy just committed ARMED ROBBERY, and he was willing to risk being caught so he could spend a couple more minutes on scene acting out the deranged fantasies of Aaron Landry?

I don't think so.

Second, let's examine the handiwork of the purported perp (that's cool detective lingo for "perpetrator" - as you know from TV, they are very busy people who do not like to waste time by fully pronouncing words). Here's a pic o' th' vic:

Note how the B on her right cheek is backwards; as if it were done in a mirror. Where have we seen that before?

Or maybe the perp carved the B while kneeling on the ground opposite her body while she was laying on her back. That doesn't seem plausible either. Generally, people who are being assaulted with a knife don't cooperate. They squirm, shake, roll around, try to get away, punch, kick, bite or scratch. In short, if a perp wanted to carve something in an unwilling vic's face, he probably would have to subdue or otherwise constrict her movement to do so. Like, say, by kneeling on her torso or shoulders. Of course, if he did that, the B would not have been backwards. That is, unless she was assaulted by a 1st grader.

And, even if the perp did restrain her and did - because of illiteracy or an altered state of mind - carve the B backwards anyway, she still would have been able to move her head or facial muscles to some extent. Whenever Moonchild sticks a knife in my face, I flinch; even if he misses and doesn't hit me with it at all.

Take a look at that B in the picture again. It looks pretty steady. (And it also looks like the product of the world's dullest knife). In fact, I can't draw a better B free hand using a computer mouse and MS Paint, and that's without a panicked woman writhing under the weight of my body:

No matter how hard I try, with any letter:

I'm calling BS on this story. If I'm wrong, my apologies to the vic.


UPDATE 2: Well that was fast. Man I'm good. Now, we just need to collar Ryan's ass perp.

UPDATE 3: Thanks to Ryan for the idea:

UPDATE 4: Before you drooling leftynozzles get too smug (ha ha! too late!), here's a flashback in two parts.

No comments: