Monday, October 13, 2008

A Farewell to King -or- How to Cheat at Free Online Craps Games in 11 Easy Steps

Bananaman and Marteen have submitted their scores and we have Roosh's opponent. But first, I'd like to extend a heartfelt statement to both of those candidates - well, mostly just Banaiaiaiaiain - regarding your craps play:


You sicken me.


Given the rules you were provided, you could have ran up your bankroll in a very short amount of time. Remember when I wrote this?

(Wavy lines indicating flashback)


The game may be reset as many times as desired...


(Wavy lines indicating return to present.)


In effect, the contestants were given as many "do overs" as they wanted. Meaning the smartest play in a game such as this required very little knowledge of craps at all, and also very little time unless you are really unlucky:


STEP ONE: Find the horn bets. These are the highest paying bets on the layout, and as a very helpful added bonus, they even tell you RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE at what odds they pay out.






STEP TWO: Determine the maximum bet limit each of the horn bets. In this game, the max on deuce or boxcars is $17; on trey or yo-leven it's $35.

STEP THREE: Do math. Upon doing math, you will learn that betting the maximum on deuces or twelves ($17) will get you $510 if you hit that roll. Betting the max on trey or yo-leven ($35) returns $525 at 15 to 1.

STEP FOUR: More math: determine which number is larger: $510 or $525.

STEP FIVE: Conclude that $525 is indeed larger than $510.

STEP SIX: Shit, which bet gets me the $525 again?

STEP SEVEN: Yeah, right: trey or yo.

STEP EIGHT: Bet $35 on EITHER the 3 OR the 11.

STEP 9: Roll.

STEP 10: If the roll wins your bet, STOP. You are now up $525. Worst case scenario: your opponent has thought of the same thing and has also won the same amount, meaning you ought to prepare for the second tiebreaker by brushing up on how to cheat at free online mini-baccarat.

STEP 11: If the roll isn't 3 or 11 (whichever one you bet), then REFRESH YOUR BROWSER, and start your bankroll over at $999. The horn bets are one-roll bets on the next roll, so if the dice show something other than what you bet, you lose on that roll. Repeat steps 8 through 11 until you win.

It's so simple, and takes so little time, you'd think that even a professor of economics could figure it out.

You'd be wrong.

Margaret Marteeeen slaughtered the soon-to-be-former mayor, racking up a robust $457 (and apparently making her 9-point on her last roll) to Banaiaiaian's aenemic and half-assed $50, earning her the right to face off against JRoosh in the general election.

Polls open tomorrow.

1 comment:

Frances said...

Since games like baccarat are purely a game of chance and luck, you couldn't possibly think of detecting a certain pattern because there isn't any to begin with.