Thursday, January 31, 2008

Seek and Destroy One Iron Man Before He Runs to the Hills...er... in Black

The top 5 vote-getters in the metal poll split over 50% of the vote among them. Therefore, we go to a playoff!

Your final 5:

Back in Black



Run to the Hills



Iron Man



One



Seek and Destroy




Five very worthy contenders. There is so much metal in this post, that I wouldn't be surprised if Satan himself leapt through your monitor, a la "Poltergeist."

Please give your votes the due thought and gravity they deserve, as future generations will be bound by what you decide.

FUN ACTIVITY: Try playing all 5 of these videos simultaneously. See how long it takes for your speakers / brain to melt.

Yay! Material!

Fisking Susan Lenfestey is always a treat. It's like candy for a ThunderJournalist. With her trademark combination of baseless assertions and petty insults all wrapped in overwrought apacolyptic hopelessness, the fisker need not engage any higher cognative functions when tearing her brain turds apart. Just set the ole' noodle on cruise control and type out the first snarky remark that comes to you. A perfect exercise for someone like me.

Let us begin:

It's been a year since Molly Ivins died, leaving us to slog through the political landscape without her sanity-saving blend of insight, humor and outrage.

...and manufactured facts, and wildly off base interpretations of law and shifting perceptions of reality depending on who was in the oval office.

Unlike Maureen Dowd, who delights in snippy wordplay, with Molly you felt the words erupting from her soul, ricocheting off her funny bone and then passing through her brain...

and then finally exiting through her anus

...to be arranged in a way that made sense -- an enormous challenge when dealing with the non-sense of the president she called "Shrub."

Because Lord knows how difficult - not to mention erudite - it is to make fun of a name like "Bush."

As Super Tuesday closes in with the fate of -- oh, just about everyone -- at stake,

[*scrolls up to the first graf of this post*]

Sorry about that, folks. Just wanted to make sure I included "overwrought" in my introduction to this post. No worries. I did.

I keep wishing I could open my paper and find Molly's take on it all. What fun she would have had with the entire Republican slate, from the moribund-on-arrival Fred Thompson to the 12th-century worldview of affable Mike Huckabee to the transformation of "America's Mayor" to America's meltdown.

Yes! It's fun to delight in the failings of others.

(Seriously. We do it here all the time.)

And she wouldn't have let John McCain's resemblance to an ermine -- a short-legged weasel who changes color with the seasons -- go unnoticed.

[*scrolls up to the first graf of this post*]

Sorry about that, folks. Just wanted to make sure I included "petty insults" in my introduction to this post. No worries. I did.

I will also note here that someone so shrewish ought not be casting about stones at other rodents.

On the other side I imagine she'd have taken a few jabs at Dennis Kucinich for toe-tapping with a UFO and at John Edwards for his pricey girly-man haircuts -- yet slapped them a high-five for the truths they dare to speak. She encouraged veracity no matter how eccentric the package; she just couldn't tolerate "clever straddling," as she put it.

Straddling and veracity, indeed.

She would have donned a hazmat suit to deal with the hydra-like beast called Billary that clawed its way to defeat in South Carolina. She was clear on where she stood on the Clintons, calling Bill "as weak as bus-station chili" and writing in January 2006, "I'd like to make it clear to the people who run the Democratic Party that I will not support Hillary Clinton for president. Enough. Enough triangulation, calculation and equivocation."

So as millions of us trudge off to caucuses and primaries next Tuesday, I'm wondering: What Would Molly Do?


Fire off a couple of cornpone bon mots, make some shit up, scratch her butt and try to think of more cornpone bon mots.

Referring to the death of Gene McCarthy in that same 2006 column, she gave a pretty good idea of where she stood.

"There are times a country is so tired of bull that only the truth can provide relief. If no one in conventional-wisdom politics has the courage to speak up and say what needs to be said, then you go out and find some obscure junior senator from Minnesota [or Illinois -- my add] with the guts to do it."

Well, McCarthy didn't win, but he also wasn't much of a candidate. I knew and admired Eugene McCarthy, but I think it's safe to say he was no Barack Obama. But by coalescing the young and the antiwar voters, he forced those who did win to put an end to America's other mistake of a war.

So Molly would rail at us not to let Bush Co. -- and any lily-livered so-called leader who is up for election -- tell us that this war is no longer an issue.

Bush Co.

Lily-livered

So-called.

The faux cornpone empty affectation trifecta is complete!

With plans for permanent military bases throughout Iraq and likely Republican candidate John McCain's comfort with 100 years of occupation -- not to mention the obscene daily loss of life and treasure -- we are a nation that will continue to bleed out until we die.

So do what Molly would do. Go to your precinct caucus on Feb. 5, not because your candidate's political future depends on it, but because your nation's future depends on the candidate you choose. Go with Molly's words ringing in your ears: "We want to find solutions other than killing people. Not in our name, not with our money, not with our children's blood."

It occurs to me in this Week of Metal here at KAR, that many of Lenfestey's works could be metal lyics. Try singing (or grunting if you're the Slayer type) these lyrics while imagining a halting stochotic caucophany of death chords backing you up:

OUR CHILDREN'S BLOOD (BLEED OUT)

100 years of occupation
Obscene daily loss of life
(And treasure)
A nation that will continue
To bleed out until we DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE

(Hella cool guitar bridge here)

Go to your precinct caucus
Nation's future depends on it
Molly's words ringing in your ears:

CHORUS:
Not in our name
Not with our money
Not with our children's BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

Note: if anybody out there in KARNation has musical chops, contact me. We should record this.

FOOT HAS BRILLIANT IDEA: We need to start an all-ThunderJournalist thrash metal band whose songs are completely comprised of lines from Sooz's columns. We could call it "Deathskull" (with umlauts over all the vowels).

(Or maybe "Death KAR for Cutie"?)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Van Halen Threatens to Tear MOB Apart -or- How to Successfully Participate in a Poll

So the guy with the French-sounding blog disapproves of the inclusion of "Running with the Devil" in the poll:

Then I noticed the poll includes Runnin' With the Devil by Van Halen, and Schools Out by Alice Cooper.First, Van Halen is not a metal band. It is a hard rock band. Hence, Runnin' With the Devil cannot be a metal song.

...says the guy who goes by the handle "Teaparty". With this nugget of pure logic-imbued argument released into the atmosphere, he goes on to note that his hole isn't deep enough yet:

Second, Alice Cooper sucks. Period.

And that's why to this day every single student in grades 6 through 12 sings Napalm Death when the final bell of the school year rings.


F


A


I


L


Oh wait. The hole's still not deep enough:


Thus two spots, which could have been used for deserving choices like The Zoo by the Scorpions-


*SCREEEEEEECH*


'Scuse me while I whip this out:




I like to think that KAR's readership is among the more intelligent ones out there on the internet. That is why it pains me so to have to do this:


LEARNEDFOOT'S GUIDE TO PARTICIPATING IN MULTIPLE CHOICE POLLS

1) Read the question. This is a very important step, in that it might affect your answer.


2) Read the answer choices.


3) Choose the answer that best comports with your personal opinion.


4) If an answer choice does not comport with your personal opinion, do not choose it.


EXAMPLE: Fredo is participating in a poll relating to the best heavy metal
song ever. Fredo does not think that Van Halen is a heavy metal
band. Therefore, when Fredo is confronted with the opportunity to
vote for a Van Halen song, he declines to choose it, and scans the list
for a more metal band, like the Scorpions.)


5) If no answer choice comes close to your personal view, decline to participate in the poll and shut yer hole.


EXAMPLE: Fredo finds that no Scorpions song was included in the
poll. He looks for other acceptable candidates like Poison's "Talk Dirty to
Me" or Warrant's "Cherry Pie." Disappointed that those songs were also not
offered as choices, Fredo closes his browser, and sulks to an old Glass
Tiger CD.



Please bookmark these directions for future polls.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

NonMonkey Shills for *YAAAAAAWN* Another Leftist Fantasy

If John Edwards walked up to NonMonkey wearing a Wellstone! t-shirt and shot him in the kneecaps, NonMonkey would probably tell the police that his assailant was some Republican. In other (old, tired, thoroughly debunked) news:

Yes, it's an election year. Political pulses are pounding.

But the Nov. 4 election may do more than choose a president. It may also decide whether we can still trust democracy, after two elections marked by vote-tampering and fraud
.

It will help if we can believe our votes count this time.

I agree.

That is what it's supposed to be about. One person, one vote is the democratic ideal. But over the past few elections, we've learned hard lessons:

Like the ballot box stuffing that happened in Milwaukee, or ACORN registering all those fictional Tic voters? That's what you're talking about, right?

Millions of voters can be kept out of the equation -- by keeping them from the polls, by under-counting ballots or even changing the vote totals.

DOH!

And here I thought NonMonkey might actually be talking about stuff that actually happened; not repeated accusations that were never borne out in fact. Silly me!

It can happen here. It has.

I am going to bookmark this last line here for the inevitable column that decries the idea of requiring photo IDs to vote.

But will the vote-counting scandals and controversies of the past two elections happen again next fall? That's the question asked in a new documentary film that will be shown Wednesday night at the Riverview Theater in Minneapolis. Called "Uncounted," the documentary is a disturbing look at the weaknesses in our system of counting ballots, which allow manipulation of the outcome and corruption of the very idea of a democracy.

"I used to take for granted that our system was sound," said Mark Halvorson, director of Citizens for Election Integrity Minnesota, a nonpartisan group that advocates for verifiable elections and is sponsoring the film (for more information, see www.ceimn.org). "Then I went to Ohio in 2004.

"That was very eye-opening."

Halvorson, 52, quit his job as a social worker to begin working full time to help make elections open and accurate after observing the "laundry list" of problems that disrupted voting in Ohio in the 2004 election. So many people were unable to vote due to equipment or polling place problems, and so many who managed to cast ballots did not have their votes recorded, that Ohio -- which was won by George Bush and helped secure his reelection -- is the model for what can go wrong. And will go wrong, unless citizens are vigilant
.

Why this looks like another one of those instances in which NonMonkey forgets about the internet.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mark Halvorson's political donations.

And I give you the total content that the Citizens for Election Integrity Minnesota devotes to the Milwaukee overvoting scandal.

No, strike that. I'll just broaden the results, by searching the site for "Milwaukee".

CEIM on ACORN.

Gee. You'd think that a "nonpartisan" organization devoted to maintaining the integrity of elections might have something to say about lessons learned from Milwaukee's 2004 experience and ACORN's corrupt registration drives.

Yet another phony organization and another phony film piddling out phony stories to be fawned over by phony journalists.

We Are the Vanquished Foes of the Metal

Mitch Berg - the conscience of metal?

Well, this time maybe:

A "Best Metal Song" poll that doesn't include "Runnin' With The Devil" by Van Halen is like Mark Gisleson competing in the National Figureskating Championships. It just doesn't make sense.

Van Halen is a tough call. For sure, they have put out a lot of songs that were definitively metal: "Atomic Punk," "House of Pain," "Sinner's Swing" etc. However, much of their catalogue - including just about all of their better-known songs are best described as hard rock, such as "I'll Wait," "You Really Got Me" "Where Have All the Good Times Gone?" er, "Jump" and so on.

I split the difference by placing the classic "Running With the Devil" in the second category, but including the harder-edged but lesser-known "Fair Warning" album in the poll; inadvertently breaking two rules I had set up when selecting the songs to be included.

The first rule I broke was that "Fair Warning" isn't a song. Even if that poll choice garnered the most votes, it wouldn't have answered the question asked, i.e. which is the best metal song.

The second problem with this is that while FW is probably one of Van Halens best, it is also its most obscure. The single most important criteria I followed was that each of the songs included must be iconic of the genre. That is, I asked myself for each of them, "When I think metal I think [name of song]." If the phrase made sense for a given song, I leaned toward including it. For I believe the truly great metal songs transcended the radio embargoes of their day and became well-known and popular (at least amongst metalheads) without it. Sure, you hear "Crazy Train" on the radio all the time now. But did you when that song was first released? I think all that airplay "Crazy Train" has gotten since it stopped being impolitic to play Ozzy on the radio dulled that song's edge just a bit. I believe that "Running With the Devil" suffered the same fate, at least in my own mind.

So I have changed the poll by replacing "Anything off of "Fair Warning" with "Running With the Devil." (Note: "Fair Warning" will still show up on the results screen after you vote - I couldn't change it there without resetting the votes.) Since there have been no votes for that option as yet, as I see it, no harm -no foul. But I'll leave the poll open a bit longer to be fair to Van Halen.

While you wait for the results to roll in (though the way it looks now, there may have to be a runoff), please enjoy this live metal performance featuring an 8 foot tall demonic dancing robot:

Monday, January 28, 2008

The State Of Our Union Is Delicious

After President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address, cameras caught the uneasy glances and whispers from Obama and Kennedy as Bacon greeted congress.



They should be uneasy, because Bacon's catching fire like a frozen turkey dropped in the fryer.

Heck, even "teh former Mayor" is licking his chops at a Bacon presidency.

So who does Andy Aplikowski endorse? Bacon is sounding much better every day.

Change we can believe in!

Shave those sideburns, hippie

Hypothetical: imagine you run a tech company that needs to buy a design from another company to use in your chip. You find out about this cool one-price-fits-all IP exchange and start talking to them about licensing a core. Their prices aren't bad.

Sounds great, right? Then you meet the CEO:


"Uh. Yeah. Nice talking to you guys. We'll be in touch."

The Metal: It Comes From Hell

The Nihilist in Golf Pants tarnishes what would have been an otherwise rare brilliant post by proclaiming:

I have put my speculation into a parody of the greatest heavy metal song of all time, Rainbow's "The Man on the Silver Mountain"

FAIL!

But if "Man on the Silver Mountain" isn't the greatest heavy metal song of all time, the question remains: what is? Luckily for you, I have subscribed to a free polling service.

Up there atop the sidebar you will find 20 songs that the KAR Metal Quality Appraisal Staff identified as being eligible to be the singular piece of metal goodness that might qualify to be emblematic of the entire genre. And believe you me, it was not easy winnowing the list down to 20.

First, we had to ask ourselves, "what is heavy metal?" Sure, you need lawnmower guitar, snow blower bass and defibrillator drums. So songs from Metallica, Iron Maiden and Motorhead obviously fit the genre. But there's also the attitude - a certain musical virtuosity coupled with the band's willingness to say "screw it - lets just throw in a bunch of death chords". So King's X gets a nod. But there's also an element of subversiveness that gets the likes of Alice Cooper and Judas Priest in the door.

Some of the calls were tough. For instance, The Smashing Pumpkins failed to make the cut for "Zero" - an undeniably metal-sounding tune - because that song was released in the early '90s when metal mysteriously disappeared and was completely replaced with something called "grunge". In fact, many bands (Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, STP) who might have made the list in an era when music snobs weren't doing the genre labeling, were denied for having the "grunge" albatross hanging from their necks.

On the other end of the spectrum, many bands who were known as metal acts were left off, because we felt that label was misapplied. For instance, Jethro Tull's "Crest of a Knave" won a Grammy for best metal album. I love Tull, but sorry, there are no flutes in metal.

Motley Crue could be accurately called metal, however Motley Crue sucks, so you will not find any of their songs among your choices. And if you even try to bitch about how Poison, Warrant, Sammy Hagar or Europe didn't make the poll, prepare to be flayed by my leatherette spiked wristbands.

Also, Megadeth has been left off on principle.

Some of the bands in the poll have multiple tracks listed. Again, our intent was to pick the songs - not the bands - that epitomize the best of the genre. Therefore, if there's a song not on the list that you think should be, pick the next best song in your opinion. For instance, if you would have voted for AC/DC's "You Really Shook Me," you should probably pick "Back in Black." Liked "Number of the Beast"? May I interest you in a "Hallowed Be Thy Name"? Remember, our taste is better than yours, so we're probably right, and you are probably wrong.

Speaking of which, we've included an acceptable Ronnie James Dio song, just to pacify the Nihilist.

One vote, per computer, per day.

AN ADDITIONAL NOTE: ...just to head off some angry comments some of you might be thinking about not posting:

QUEENSRYCHE - was considered and "The Needle Lies" just barely missed the list to accommodate the Nihilist's Dio choice

GUNS -n- ROSES - On the one hand, you've got "Welcome to the Jungle". On the other, you have "Sweet Child o' Mine," "Paradise City," and "November Rain". All I can see is the other hand.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Yes...Yes, I Like What You've Done Here, But...

Geoff Coubah over at TvM throws us some love, by subjecting something called "beef bacon" to the dreaded (and beloved) FAIL. I love the effort, but I'm going to have to throw a flag on this one.

As long as there is tofu bacon (utterly disgusting pic here), I don't think that any bacon made of actual meat can receive a FAIL.

In fairness to Koobeh, however, once the government finally comes to its senses, recognizes tofu bacon as the threat to society it is and bans it, then I think we can look into reFAILing "beef bacon."

Because I'm Bored, and So Are You

Since there is woefully little ThunderJournal fodder today, I decided to break down the clues for the PiPress' annual Winter Medallion Treasure Hunt. For the uninitiated, every year during the St. Paul Winter Carnival, some guy from the Pioneer Press hides a medallion somewhere in a Ramsey County park, and then the paper publishes daily clues to aid hunters in their task. The person who finds the Medallion wins cash, prizes and the ire of a lot of losers who took 2 weeks off from work just to move snow around various St. Paul parks.

I am an amateur medallion hunter with little knowledge about St. Paul parks who has only actually gone out in the snow and looked for it twice. But I do have a ThunderJournal. Who better to break down the clues than me?

All the links you need can be found here.

CLUE 1

You've joined the hunt for the regal runt
To prove searching does pay
Don't dig a hole or knock down a pole
And the golf course is out of play


Last year Jake took home the cake
With a clue a bit off level
This year we'll rinse off all our prints
Lest this hunt go to the devil


WTF???

OK. It's not on a golf course, and you're not supposed to destroy stuff. Gee thanks for that tip. Not like you couldn't figure that out from reading the rules or anything.

And also, that last line indicates to me that St. Paul's mayor is ineligible to win. Overall, not much here. Let's move on.

CLUE 2

The point of all this is so that you won't miss
Your big chance to grab all the cash
Now gather your guys and a gal who is wise
You'll have to do something quite rash


WTF???

What this clue seems to be saying is that you need to gather some men and one female and...

...do something rash.

The mind teems with ideas, none of which HAVE THE REMOTEST THING TO DO WITH FINDING THE #$$%=! MEDALLION!!!!

CLUE 3

We've scanned the county to hide our bounty
And keep you on your toes
It may sound risible, but our puck's invisible
Although it might just stick to your nose
.

WTF???

The medallion's invisible. But it sticks to your nose.

This is obviously one of those clues that describes what the medallion looks like, rather than its location. No small detail to be sure. From this clue, I can confidently say that the medallion looks like a translucent booger. Progress!

CLUE 4

How fun is the snow how far will we go
You really ought to go see
Get up for the mission and not just the wishin'
Get into the game — it's all free


WTF????

"How far will we go"

"Get up for the mission"

"It's all free"

This seems to be a reiteration of CLUE 2. Singularly unhelpful, if a bit arousing.

CLUE 5

There once was a clue that drove you-know-who
To threaten a heinous act
We'd use it again but we're afraid of his pen
My friend, that's an unfortunate fact


OH OH OH OH !!!!!!!! I KNOW THIS ONE!!!!!!!

A couple of years ago PiPress columnist and radio talk show host Joe Soucheray bitched endlessly about the difficulty of the clues. His ire was drawn to one particular clue that referenced an obscure 19th century crime in which some chick killed her hubby and dumped his
body near Como Lake. That clue was intended to point hunters toward Como Park.

"We'd use it again".

Meaning they'd reprint the clue. Meaning...

THE MEDALLION'S IN COMO PARK !!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!! I'M RICH!!!!! I'M OFF TO FIND THE MEDALLION!!!!!! ALL YOU OTHER TREASURE HUNT SUCKAZ ARE SO TOTALLY OWNED!!!!!!!

***2 hours later***

Holy shit Como Park is big. Better load up on another clue.

CLUE 6:

All ye who look should honor the book
As one who stood for hope
Much was built in the name of the kilt
Look sharp now and never mope


WTF???

Let's break this one down line by line:

"All ye who look should honor the book"

Given the theme of Clues 2 and 4, I think it's safe to say that the book being referred to here is the Kama Sutra.

"As one who stood for hope."

Well, obviously, this refers to Barack "Hope. Change. Hope. etc." Obama. Duh.

"Much was built in the name of the kilt"

In the name of the "kilt" -- "kilt" is obviously an anagram for something:

"likt" -- Fits perfectly with Clues 2, 4 and the first line of this clue.

"Look sharp now and never mope"

Dress well and be happy.

CONCLUSION AFTER 6 CLUES:

To find the medallion this year, it appears necessary to look for a large gelatinous see-through booger while having a MMMMMF orgy with Barack Obama in Como Park.

Hope this helps.

Happy hunting. Though I think I may sit this year's hunt out. It sounds pretty gross.


UPDATE: Interesting thunderJournalistic observation:

Apparently, reprinting a Medallion Hunt clue generates about as much search engine traffic as putting R0n P@u!'s name in a post.

Friday Bacon Post

Whale bacon? Believe it.

Did you ever wonder what the world would look like if it were made out of bacon? Me neither, but here's a picture anyway.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Moron Mail

Ryan fisked this yesterday, but I feel the need to also rant as this letter contains both anti-Packer sentiment as well as hysterical global warming pap.

If you want to start up a good discussion about how "green" the Green Bay Packers are, the Star Tribune should do an article about the energy required to heat a football field in open air to 50 degrees in 1- below conditions with a 23-below wind chill. I think that the fans and the public would be amazed at the amount of energy consumed to accomplish this feat! They will also find out that the Packers really aren't that green.

BILL HOWEDIDTHISINSIPIDLETTEREVERGETPUBLISHEDBONER, NEW RICHLAND, MINN
.

I feel an epic rant coming on.

I think I have the solution that would curb the amount of carbon gases humans emit into the atmosphere:

Ban the Global Warming industry.

Think about it: every few months you here about another confab attended by hundreds of scientists (except for the hundreds of other ones that don't agree with them) who travel thousands of miles to some exotic place far away from where any of them live in different fossil fuel-guzzling jets to meet in a large air conditioned room and make slide-show and Power Point presentations on equipment powered by fossil fuel generated electricity. Then some of them have to travel other places in those planes and then rent an SUV to get the venue where they collect some award for their "good work" in yet another large air-conditioned and well lit room. Meanwhile, newspapers kill millions of trees to make paper on which they print stories about these same "scientific" conclaves and awards. Oh - the newspaper uses 75% post consumer recycled paper? Ah yes, paper that is collected from our curbs and office buildings using fossil fuel powered trucks and manufactured in plants which also need electricity to make the end product. And then it's shipped out to market in semis.

And let's not even get into all the carbon gases Al Gore belches into the atmosphere conducting his crusade to save the earth.

But in one of the most egregious non sequiturs this ThunderJournalist has ever seen, this Moron Mailer wants to -

+++WE INTERRUPT THIS EPIC RANT FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE+++

It is coming...

Prepare yourself...



Let the hype...

COMMENCE!

+++WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RANT+++

- can take your stupid anti-football non sequitur and rim yourself with it. And then when your anus is nice and raw, go squat in a bowl of Tobasco sauce. Twit.

Seriously. Using the first word in the name of a city as an excuse to poop out your propaganda? Non sequiturs are for lame-os.

LearnedFoot's Deep Thought of the Day

Dealing with overseas vendors sucks, primarily because it's impossible to cockpunch someone via e-mail.

So...how's your day going?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Field of Drams

The Strib has pictures of the model of the new Twins Ballpark. Purty.

I know that many of you out there abhor the fact that this new park is being built on the dime of the Hennepin County taxpayer. I, however, live in Dakota County so I just have to say SUCK IT HENNEPINKOS!

Ha ha! All kidding aside, several of you are aware that the MOB's own Atomizer (MOB Member in Uncertain Standing) is on the architectural team that is designing the new Twins Park. Because I thought it might be of some interest to our reader, I contacted Atomizer and asked him to point out some of the design elements of the stadium that he contributed. He sent back an annotated picture detailing his contributions, which you can see below (click pic to embiggen):




Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Blog for Bacon Day 2008

[NOTE: Last year KAR started "Blogs for Uranus Day" as an alternative blogburst for people who didn't want to participate in "Blog for Choice Day," as well as for those who think blogbursts are dumb. Blogs for Uranus turned out to be an unqualified success, with literally several bloggers taking part. We decided to continue the tradition this year, but have changed the cause as all the Uranus puns have been used up. Others taking part in Blogs for Bacon Day will be noted in the bottom of this post. Happy Blog for Bacon Day!]


Us men have been through some dark days. Ever since the invention of bacon, the media, so-called "medical experts" and our wives have been telling us how unhealthy bacon is. Some of the more desperate amongst us were forced to eat our bacon in other states or back alleys to avoid detection. But while the U.S.D.A. continues to approve bacon for sale, we must continue our fight to keep bacon safe, legal and plentiful.


Bacon will always be available for (white) upper class men who need or want it. They can fly to Europe, drive to Canada (for the substandard Canadian bacon), or take a quick weekend to Mexico City. Other men -- poor mofos and men of color may not always be so lucky. If the anti-bacon movement succeeds in criminalizing bacon, it will be the worst off that will pay the price. *


You often hear in movies or TV shows a character say to another who has saved his life, "You really saved my bacon." Think about that. Bacon, as a metaphor for life. That is why we fight against the health Nazis who would take away our right to eat bacon. Because it is a matter of life and death. Not only ours, but our children's as well. Do we want to leave our children a world in which they cannot eat bacon? The mere thought sends shivers up and down my spine. And makes me hungry for bacon.


And that is why I blog for bacon today. For the children.





*This paragraph was lifted wholesale from a Blog for Choice and only slightly modified.



OTHER BLOGS FOR BACON:

Internet Groin Kick

Nicko McDave Murray

Les Enfants Terrible

Monday, January 21, 2008

The News In Haiku

"New Journalist" is
stifled! Obviously it's a
NARN conspiracy!"

Wish upon a star,
and your dreams come true. Nothing
there 'bout gussets, dude.

"Hillary" wants to
Turn us into a theme park.
"East Germany-land!"

Dude. Dude. Dude. Like, Dude!
It's totally rush time, dude.
Dude-a-licious. Dude.

"The US would be
OK, if it loathed itself
like I loathe all things."

Friday, January 18, 2008

Are "Change" slogans successful? Not so much.

"Change" is the shizzle catch word this election year. I'm sick to death of it already.

Today, I found hilarity at The Peoples' Cube, where they take Obama's change message to the next level. This graphic made me spit out my Kool Aid Jammers.



They also created Obama "Cafe Press"-style trinkets, sure to help promote that change message.



In 2006, a local loser candidate ran on a "change" theme...



Change equaled FAIL for Coleen Rowley. After getting pwn3d in the election, she put up her change trinkets on eBay to pay off campaign debt. I submitted this updated logo to her.



Spare us the "change" meme, candidates. Bacon is where it's at.

BREAKING: TARGET LOGO LOOKS LIKE A GIANT NIPPLE!!!

***EXCLUSIVE -MUST ATTRIBUTE TO KOOL AID REPORT***

While "feminists" and outrage-o-holics of all stripes continue their sputtering over that Target ad which depicts some chick bundled in winter wear laying on the company's logo, KAR has discovered something much more sinister about Target's marketing campaign of selling sex to our children. Those who take issue with that advertisement would do better to ignore the comely spread-eagled lass, and pay closer attention to what's underneath her.

After exhaustive research that involved a member of the KAR staff going to a Target store and looking at it, we can report that the Target logo does indeed look like a giant nipple. Look at the evidence:

Here is the well-recognized Target logo:







And here is an artist's depiction of a female nipple (rendered stylistically, since this is a family ThunderJournal):




I think it's pretty obvious to even the most casual observer what Target is playing at here.

We fired an angry letter off to Target demanding that they stop using this pornographic logo. Target's reply:

Jeff,

Quit emailing us. Get a life you loser.

Sincerely,
Target

We're not sure who this "Jeff" person is, but rest assured that KAR will bring you the latest developments in this commercial outrage as soon as they happen.

Friday Bacon Post

Like the Catholic Church preserved the works of Aristotle, Socrates and the other great ancient philosophers through the Dark Ages, a self described "bacon freak" reminds us of the basics for our enlightenment in our post-anti-bacon world. Could a delicious porky Renaissance be close at hand?

Guy realizes that a B.L.T. sandwich is nothing more than a bacon delivery device. Lindsay Lohan still drunk.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The NALBS Becomes Self-Aware

The Nihilist has graced us with his picks for the Conference Championship games:


Green Bay -7 over NY Giants. There is no way the Packers can possibly fail to cover the spread, much less lose this game. They have the weather, the fans and they have Brett Favre. Let me repeat, the Packers cannot possibly fail to cover.


He later goes to great pains to emphasize his "pick":


Good luck and happy betting. Just to reiterate, my shoe in game of the season is the Packers -7.


The problem here is that the Nihilist is trying to be cute. Remember that the Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System will payoff over 80% of the time if you follow 2 easy steps:


1) Ascertain the Nihilist's picks and


2) Bet the opposite.


As you can see, the Nihilist here thinks that if he picks the Packers to win, they'll actually lose (or at least, in this case, not cover). This is a miscalculation on his part. Because, you see, the NALBS is not a jinx-based system. Rather, it relies on the Nihilist's incompetence rather than his luck. Therefore the bettor is cautioned to avoid this pick altogether or come up with a way to discover which team the Nihilist would actually bet on if he were to put a hundie on the game.


And since the Nihilist is a cheap bastard, I doubt he'd even bet a fiver on it. So, unless you are clairvoyant, I'd pitch this pick.


NALBS RECOMMENDATION: No play


The good news is that he seems more sincere about his other pick:


New England -14 over San Diego New England is so close they can taste it. Fourteen points is a lot, but this is a team that can make once in a lifetime history. Their opponent is unfortunate enough to have their three best offensive weapons dinged up. While all might play, they all may be somewhat hampered. They don't have enough offensive firepower to hang with the Pats.


NALBS RECOMMENDATION: Take the CHARGERS and the points.


In other news, Chad - so obviously paralyzed with jealousy - outlames even himself by outsourcing his smack to some American expat living in Italy who used to be in a techno band. The expat explains his bona fides thus:


I like football as much as anyone. I love football. On days when I can't watch football, I play Maddens. (Okay, I often play Maddens on days when I watch football too.)


Yeah, I play Maddens too. On my Wiis. I also like to play Guitar Heros and Zeldas.


And techno sucks.







The Packer Derangement Syndrome is especially strong this year.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Color of Envy and Gold

The recent elevated smack regarding the Packers (next game: Sunday at 5:30) and the Vikings (next game: sometime next September) has generated a lot of email. Here's a sampling.

First, here's an email from "Aynonamus" who takes issue with a recent post in which I called Vikings fans morons:

I m so sik of loosers lik yoo riping on teh Vykingz! You suk! Teh packerz suk! Vikens rool! Suk a fart out a my ass you big jurk. Vikeen fans is far more smarter then Paker fans is.

And classier too. Obviously.

Next, Biff from Sheboygan writes:

Who is this Chad guy? Does he have Down Syndrome or something?

Ha ha! No. Chad is an otherwise reasonable guy who can only talk pigskin when he has completely shut down all brain functions. This explains why he thinks that there's some sort of shame in rooting for a team that might lose to the greatest team in the history of the NFL in the Super Bowl. Keep in mind that most Pack faithful thought before the season began that the Pack go 8 and 8, or maybe 9 and 7. Brett Favre himself remarked before the season that "We could be 6 and 10 or we could be 10 and 6." Hell, even if the Pack loses in the NFC Championship game (and Sports Illustrated is pulling out all the stops to make that happen), they've already far exceeded at least this fan's wildest expectations.

There's no shame in losing to this Patriots team (or hell, even this Giants team) when you're this deep in the playoffs.

On the other hand, there's all kinds of shame in sending 8 players to the Pro Bowl and finishing 8 and 8.

Another letter, this from a Viking fan:

Ya wel Farv's old and hes gonna retyre soonn. Than the Paykers are goin too bee teh suck!

Was I the only one who saw Aaron Rogers play in the Dallas game?

And, actually, all the rest of the emails are pretty much like those, so I'll just stop here.

Yet the Story Seems So Familiar

You know, when crazy southern Baptist preachers get all apoplectic about Harry Potter, that's one thing. They're supposed to be nuts. But when the Catholic Church gets all up in Harry Potter's grill, well, I will not be silent (caution to the one person left on the planet who hasn't read the HP series -- THERE BE SPOILERS HERE):

This week the Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, published two essays examining "The Double Face of Harry Potter." The essays may placate religious hardliners, but could rub many younger Catholics the wrong way.

The essays juxtapose the views of University of Florence literature critic Edoardo Rialti, who does not like the series, and Catholic essayist and doctor Paolo Gulisano, who does.

In his essay, Rialti concludes that Cardinal Ratzinger (the Pope's old handle) was right to fear the "subtle seductions" of the series, as he wrote in a 2003 letter to Potter-hater Gabriele Kuby. Since the series portrays sorcery as a positive force and encourages trickery, Rialti says, it blurs the line between good and evil
.

*sigh*

The Harry Potter series is about a boy with magical powers - sometimes referred to by the other characters as the "Chosen One" - who at the tale's end willingly sacrifices his life at the hand of the "Dark Lord" - a villain whom the author associates with all kinds of serpent imagery - only to come back from the dead to conquer the Dark Lord, allowing humanity to live free from his evil interference.

Oh - and the chapter that describes what happens while Harry is dead is titled "King's Cross".

I think there's an allegory in there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps the Vatican might have better luck finding it, if it tried a little harder.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Deconstructing Obama's "Q" "O" Rating

While "real" feminists are busy trying to manufacture outrage over an innocuous Target ad, we here at the Kool Aid Report have noticed a very slick advertising technique employed by Barack Obama's campaign. It is far more subtle than a picture of some babe spread eagle on a Target logo, yet it is far more insidious.


Names that start with the letter "O" are unique in presidential politics. You simply don't see very many surnames that begin with "O". Obama and his supporters have noticed this, as you can see by some of the logos that have been made, seizing on the uniqueness of that initial. For example, this one was rendered by a supporter who made that famous Obama video / send up of the classic Apple Computers ad a few months back:





And here is the official Obama for President logo, which also employs the "O" motif:




It is my assertion that the Obama Campaign and its supporters are using the fortuitous spelling of Obama's last name to subliminally win the female vote. Don't believe me? Think about it.

What do you think of when you see a big "O"? Where have we heard that before?


Exactly.


Now, who's more interested in getting the big "O"? Well, sure men are. But they hardly have any trouble having one. Hell, your average dude usually has about 5 of them before he even gets out of the shower in the morning. But women...that's another story. Guys aren't going to vote for someone just because his logo is a euphemism for "orgasm". They can get as many as they want without resort to the ballot.


So the subtle message here is that Obama = The Big "O". And Obama's shrewdly calculated political strategy of being black with all the implications that image carries, further drives this genius strategy home.


Very, very clever.


(Word has it that the Clinton campaign contemplated using a similar tactic, but after some scrutiny and focus group testing they scrapped it, as "Vote for the Big C" just didn't sound very good.)


Iron Matron piling on:

Bacon also has an "o" in it, albeit a small "o." It matters not, as most who've tasted Bacon never go back, and copious consumption of Bacon can lead to multiple Bac-Os. KAR proudly unveils Bacon's new campaign logo:



Taste the satisfaction!

Because I Hate You

Do you have a daughter between the ages of 5 and 13?

You don't?

Well then, suffer along with the rest of us who do:



Misery loves company and all that.



Seriously, this is an earworm that makes "Afternoon Delight" seem like Bethoven's 9th.

Today's news, condensed

Clearly Molnau should have traveled back in time to the 60s and kicked the designers in the head. Anything less requires her dismissal. Update: DFLers' true desires revealed?... "I doubt she will survive the process." Also, it's always nice when they don't even bother to look for a dissenting opinion (not even a "...did not immediately return phone messages...").

Welcome to Lake Wobegone, where only my house can be above average, damn you. (They're going to have a fun National Night Out this summer!)

Beer prices rise. TV season in jeapordy. Homer something something.

Aw hell. Thoughts and prayers.

Just to Emphasize the Point

Chad plays to his weakness (football smack) and actually gets something right:

Since there seems to be some confusion on the matter, allow me be perfectly clear: as a Vikings fan you in good conscience can not in any circumstances ever pull for the Packers. EVER.

He's absolutely right. But let me add one thing to bring his point on home:

We don't want you. We don't want any bandwagon-jumping lame smack-talking football illiterates giving us a post facto slap on the back saying "I always did respect that Favre, even though he SUCKS." We put in the heavy lifting, staying with our team through the wretched days in the wilderness of the 70's and 80's, and the mediocre malaise of the Sherman era. Not yours. Piss off.

But, like a hockey player who's lost too much blood (and teeth), Chad yammers on long enough to give us another jewel that he's so known for:

Although Vikings fans are wandering in the playoff wilderness, it's not only a time of suffering and tribulation. There still is room for joy, albeit of a different nature. My favorite Super Bowl was XXXII when the Broncos downed the favored Packers. Seeing the Packers lose and knowing that the hopes and dreams of their fans had been crushed was about as good as a Super Bowl gets for a Vikings fan...

I'm sure it is. But I wouldn't know. The last time the Vikings lost a Super Bowl, I was 7.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Important Information on KAR's New Editorial Direction

[NOTE: The following is the transcript of a press conference held by LearnedFoot earlier today.]

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming here today. I have a brief remark, and then I will take questions.

As the Chief Editor of this fine ThunderJournal, the Kool Aid Report, I have decided that the time has come to change. Over the next few years we will be implementing various changes to the way we KARnies go about our daily ThunderJournaling business. As the Buddha once said, "Everything changes, nothing remains without change," and that goes for us too. We have accepted the great admonitions of Gandhi and Paul Wellstone that we must be the change we wish to see in the world. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. For it is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. When you're finished changing, you're finished.

In short, the people who read ThunderJournals are clamoring for change, and we here at KAR have heard their call. We shall commence changing shortly.

I will now take your questions.

Could you please describe what changes you plan on implementing?

Yes, and thank you for your question. The changes we plan to make here at KAR will be wide ranging and pervasive. In the immortal words of Noted Dead Guy Thomas Carlyle, "By nature man hates change; seldom will he quit his old home till it has actually fallen around his ears." Well, we're not waiting for KAR to fall around our ears. We KARnies, all of us, are committed agents of change that will bring about changes that can help see KAR through our current changing environment.

Yes, you in the back there.

So then...uh...what will these changes look like?

The people want change, and we plan on giving it to them!

What changes do the people want, then?

They want positive changes. And it is our hope that we can give them some positive changes when we roll out our new Plan for Change.

We in the press have been hearing a lot of promises about change in the current presidential race -

The what?

Er, the presidential race.

Oh. Is that going on now? I had no idea. Please continue.

Thank you. Anyway, a lot of the candidates keep promising "change". In fact, "change" has become quite a buzzword. How are the changes you plan on introducing to your ThunderJournal different than this somewhat ethereal concept of "change" these candidates keep pushing?

Well, when you get a presidential candidate pushing "change," what they're usually talking about is what will be left in your checking account after you pay your taxes!

[Pauses for laughter. None comes.]

Er, what we're proposing for KAR is deep and abiding change. A real change from the current status quo. You know - change.

OK, well then tell us please what exactly you plan on changing about KAR?

Oh, there will be wonderful changes! All the same, we take our chances. Laughed at by time, tricked by circumstances. Plus ca change, plus cest la meme chose - The more that things change, the more they stay the same.

OK, now you're just quoting obscure Rush lyrics. Do you have anything substantive to tell us about these changes to KAR?

Only through love changes come. Change changing places, root yourself to the ground. Capitalize on this good fortune, one word can bring you round: Chan-

And now you're quoting Yes. Do you have anything else to say that's not lifted from an '80s progressive rock act?

Change is good! Change happens! Change for change's sake! Change change change change change change change change change change!

This press conference is over!

Hey! That's my line. That's quite the - er, departure from the norm, wouldn't you say?

Something's Happening Here

Ahem.

Packers 42, Seahawks 20

Giants 21, Dallas Brokebacks 17

The road to the Super Bowl runs through Lambeau.

Bonus: Marquette 92, Notre Dame 66

Crank it:



I'm off to pass out.

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Very Special OPG Moron Mail

I'm still pretty new to this, but I am temporarily sober. I think I'll give this a shot.

Here's a moron:

Today marks a sad anniversary:

He must be talking about the Vikings loss to the Chiefs in Super Bowl IV. It's a pretty safe guess, since he wouldn't be calling it a "sad" anniversary unless he was a Viking fan. And as we all know, Viking Fan = Moron.

six years since the arrival of the first prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention center.

Holy non sequitur Batman! What does this have to do with important things, like football; specifically tomorrow's epic playoff tilt on the Frozen Tundra?

The treatment of the detainees there is a betrayal of American values and has shamed our country internationally.

No. The play of the Detroit Lions in the past 2 decades has been a betrayal of American values and has shamed our country internationally (note to coastal elitists: the NFC North = America) . Keeping a bunch of militants locked up so that they can't kill innocent people? Not so much.

Please refocus your comments toward football now, if you would.

Our country has held detainees, some for all six years, without granting even the most fundamental legal rights.

Oh fer cryin' out loud. I'll just paraphrase the rest of this letter until we get to something normal people who don't engage in self-important grandstanding care about:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah Halliburton blah blah blah blah blah blah blah shredding the Constitution blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah taxcutsfortherich blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah illegal war blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah more Halliburton again blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah selected not elected blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Sean Penn blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (where's my patchouli?) blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bushitler blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bacon sucks blah blah blah blah blah OUTRAGE! blah blah blah blah blah let illegal aliens vote blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah.

I think that about covers it.

We'll be wearing orange to show our outrage.

Ohhhhhhhhhh! You're a Broncos fan! That overtime loss to the Pack cut a little deep, did it? I should have known: if Vikings fan = Moron, then it follows that Super Moron = Vikings fan + high altitude oxygen deprivation. Or something.

Hey, wait a minute. Isn't one of the Bears' colors orange? I may have to rejigger that whole calculus:

Vikings Fan + oxygen deprivation + close proximity to Gary, Indiana = Super Duper Moron.

And there you have it: The Unified Solier Field Theory.

When you see us, please ask us about Guantanamo and what you can do to help shut it down.

Beh. I think I'll just daydream about tomorrow's game. Thanks for the invite, though!

DARREN SHARPERSUCKSFARRETDICK, ST. PAUL;
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, VIKINGS' SHITTY SECONDARY

Friday Bacon Post

You love bacon. You love salt. And now you're pissed that you didn't think of this first.

"Our goal today - one pound of bacon, stuffed with cheese, deep-fried, topped with more cheese."

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Hop On the Bacon Wagon!

It seems that the bacon campaign has all the momentum of a runaway freight train. What makes it so popular?

O'Bonermort Speaks (Out of Ass)

If you've never read the local poli-blog MNPooplius, other than considering yourself lucky, you should know that it basically is the lefty version Minnesota Tics Exposed. When they're not felating their favorite Dem candidate (or all of them) for whatever office, the Pooplius semi-pubescents are usually flogging some story or another running down a Republican. The only real differences between the two sites, are 1) MNPooplius' superior spelling and grammar; and 2) Brodkorb has more and better contacts -- meaning he generally gets better stories than the Pooplius party drones, and he gets them first. I could link to some examples, but it's probably just easier if you headed over there yourselves and perused Pooplius' front page and archives. (Well, OK, here's a link to all 176 posts they wrote about Mark Kennedy.) All other things being equal (up to and including their respective involvements in party matters and campaigns) they can both accurately be called "partisan hit blogs."

However, when you peruse the local blogs and media coverage you see all kinds of outrage and base insults directed at Brodkorb while the Pooplius kids get none; or sometimes even praise. And this occurs even though their aims and tactics are basically the same. I think that there are a couple of reasons for this:

1) Tics see him as a threat;

2) Tics are flaming hypocrites; and

3) The Tic Party is full of whiny bitches.

There are of course exceptions.

But anyhoo, it's refreshing to see Tim O'Brien finally looking at the two blogs through an objective lens calling out MNPooplius for a change:

"Ron Carey went above and beyond the call of incompetence today," said Sean at MnPublius (9). "... The chair of the Minnesota Republican Party is taking a leadership role in a campaign, that is participating in an election that he has extraordinary power to affect. ... If I'm a Republican caucusgoer -- how can I be sure that my vote is going to count, when I know the guy who controls the counting is working for one of the sides?"

See Tim? Was that so -

Oh wait.

Ha ha! Oops. I guess I was reading the Blog House cross-eyed. I accidentally transposed the above quote (uncommented upon by O'Bonermort) with the one immediately below it:

After DFLer Kevin Dahle defeated Republican Ray Cox in the Senate District 25 special election last week, blogger Michael Brodkorb wrote, "Negative politics works ... . According to sources close to the race, the DFL didn't spend any money on promoting a positive message about Dahle." Considering the level of issues analysis and thoughtful debate found on Brodkorb's blog, Minnesota [Tic]s Exposed (10), he'd better count on negative politics working. Otherwise, he'd be out of a job.

Yeah, Tim. Because Brodkorb's the only one who does it.

The level of issues analysis and "thoughtful debate" found on MNPooplius is so much better? To a kool aid sucking hack, maybe. They're the same thing O'Bonermort. The. Same. Thing.

So why the disparate treatment?


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Why? Because I Can.


A Couple of Notes About That Last Post

1) After a little deliberation, I settled on "Tic" to represent the brand of the Party Opposite. I thought it appropriate given the widely used leftist meme of pillorying someone who refers to that party as the "Democrat Party" rather than the "DemocraTIC Party"; presumably to avoid the embarrassment of having to address the substantive arguments of the declarant. It's not easy being stupid so every little rhetorical gimmick helps, I guess.

In the past, I have lampooned this absurd affectation by referring to the Democrat Party with varying and inappropriate suffixes, for example: "Democratosian Party." Upon further reflection, I think it quite appropriate to modify this particular running gag so that instead of the various and sundry inappropriate suffixes, I will henceforth merely use "Tic Party" when referring to the "Democrat Party."

I think this new jab covers all the bases. For one, a frequent rejoinder you may encounter from some kool aid addled jerkoff employing the Ic meme goes something like "It's the party of democracy, therefore it's the DemocratIC Party. Meh, I'm a big poopy pants." This is complete and utter crap (other than the poopy pants part). The Democrat Party is not the party of Democracy any more than the Hugo Chavez's is. But since I'm a fair guy, I'll meet them half-way by granting them their precious "ic", while removing the blatant falsehood that lies in the root of the party's name.

Second, I think it entirely apt to refer to the Democrat Party with a word that means "involuntary spastic movement." You know - "knee jerk liberal" and all that. Also, this new term is a homonym for a blood sucking parasite. That's all kinds of win.

So from now on, when you see the word "Tic" (capitalized, of course) I am referring to the party of Chavez-worshiping, knee-jerk parasites. I encourage you all to do the same.

2) In yesterday's piece, I had all kinds of metaphors flying around. Some were intended to have a one-to-one relationship with their temporal counterparts while others were meant to be taken a little more broadly. However, the one object in that post that I intended to be taken literally was the bacon. By which I meant (if you haven't already figured it out) that if Huckabee is the GOP nominee, I will be writing in "bacon" in the presidential space on my ballot in November in a very real, nonmetaphorical way.

I know I am not alone, and I encourage you all to do the same.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The Enemy of Not Good Enough

The other day - true story - my trusty widget broke. Oh, it was a good, solid widget that, while not perfect, fulfilled its function adequately for its cost. It was a vintage 1994 Republic Debatifying Wireless Widg-o-matic. And while I never had any real connection with the company, I developed a sort of loyalty to the brand. Its next closest competitor, The Tic Obeyifier, not only didn't come close to meeting my needs, it's an especially dangerous model that could inflict serious damage even when functioning properly and was priced way too high.

Anyway, my Widge-o-matic totally broke down: the groober cycles stopped remonifying the tweez causing seriously malfunctioning flarbies during the output. So, I moseyed down to the local WidgeMart to get me a shiny new 2008 model. A salesman named "Ira" greeted me, and I asked him to show me the new Republic Widge-o-matic line. He led me over to the shelves that held the the various brands of widgets. The store carried the two majors: Republic and Tic, as well as a few other lower brands that it appeared nobody ever bought, as the inch-thick layer of dust on them testified.

After a quick perusal of the store's selection, I noticed that there was no Republic Widge-o-matic model. I queried the salesman as to where I could find it.

"They no longer make that model," came Ira's reply.

Well, fine, I thought, I'll adapt. "So what is the new late-model Republic equivalent of the Widge-o-matic?"

Ira pointed at a rather dorky looking pinstriped widget that did indeed bear the "Republic" brand. I picked it up off the shelf, turned it over in my hands, looked under its bleefulator, and gently placed it back on the shelf.

"This is a piece of crap," I declared.

"Oh, surely you are kidding," Ira said. "It's just like the Tic model."

"But the Tic model is crap."

The logic seemed lost on Ira. He cleared his throat nervously and backtracked a little.

"Well, it's not exactly like the Tic. For instance, it deraficates at speed of over 100 hectajoules. Er...and it...well it has an airbag."

I was becoming annoyed. "First of all, I don't use my widget for deraficating, and frankly, I don't know any Republic user who does. Secondly, I wouldn't need an fricking airbag on my widget if it didn't have the propensity to spontaneously combust like the Tic. I want a Widge-o-matic, and I want it NOW!"

With a curt nod, Ira turned on his heel to get his manager. When he returned with the manager, a fellow named "Ron," the three of us unproductively rehashed nearly the exact conversation I had just had with Ira. Finally, Ron asked me a rather odd question.

"Are you a Christian?"

I stared at him for what I hoped seemed like hours to him, then clarified through clenched teeth, "I'm Catholic."

"Well, ho ho, then," Ron's voice now jolly, "this New Republic model is just for you! The Republic Bucklefee is very big with the evangelicals especially!"

"Yes, but there's no real difference between this and the Tic model, up to and including its prohibitively high price and the real possibility that it could blow up my house. And while we're on the subject, what in the hell does religion have to do with it? I just want a widget!"

Ron stared at me in disbelief as if I had just told him that I use my Widget for narfeling weasels or something. He then spoke very deliberately, his patience evaporating away.

"This model is the compassionate choice. It gives money to charity."

My patience also running out, I explained, "I don't use widget's for charity, I use widgets to probesce flocuals. Charity is a personal virtue that is performed by individuals, not by some overly-pious contraption. You twit."

Nonplussed, Ron retorted, "Well fine, buy the Tic then! Or throw away your money on one of those lesser brands. But the fact is that the only way you're going to keep Republic in business is by buying Republic widgets."

Hoping that my trip out was not a total loss, I asked Ron if Republic even made the Widge-o-matic any more, and if so, where I could buy one.

"Oh sure, they still make the Widge-o-matic. But they're not selling well right now, so you'll be hard pressed to find a store that has them."

I nodded, and turned to leave. Ron chased after me, offering not a final plea, but a warning.

"Don't let perfect be the enemy of good, son -"

I couldn't stand it anymore and cut him off: "If perfect is the enemy of good, then what is the enemy of not good enough?"

I left the store. Ron had no answer.

I, however, did have an answer. I walked around the corner to the grocery store, and bought a whole shitload of bacon with the money I had budgeted for the widget.



NOTE: If you don't prefer gibberish in your political commentary (though having ingested an awful lot of it lately, it appears that you do), try substituting Coke, New Coke and Pepsi for the relevant brands and models.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Punting Toward Glory: 2007 KAR-Style -- The Finale (Abridged)

Part - oh hell, just scroll down.





SEPTEMBER



9/2 -- Foot proposes that no expense be spared when replacing 35W bridge; suggests equipping it with orgasm ray gun.


9/5 -- John Edwards and butt cheeks.


9/6 -- As it turns out, the editorial staff at new Uber-Blog True ("Post whatever you want, we will not censor it") North finds butt cheeks, orgasms offensive.


9/11 -- KAR discovers that all you really need to do to write poetry is to take regular prose and insert random line breaks. Who knew?


9/26 -- KAR publishes 1,000th post not suitable for True North.



OCTOBER

10/1 -- 1,001 and counting...


10/4 -- SHERRY ENEMA! KAR confident it has running gag that can last until 2067.

10/12 -- The onset of peace in the Middle East and cure for cancer having presumably been achieved, seriously disturbed and possibly autistic former porn editor takes offense at Mitch Berg's use of wikipedia. The Era of FAILed Weiner begins.

10/12 thru 10/17 -- ...and continues.

10/31 -- After 2 hours of work (roughly 1.75 hours more than a typical KAR post), Foot publishes epic Harry Potter Post to muted reaction. Foot eyes Sharpee on his desk, thinks about how it would make a sweet Horcrux.

NOVEMBER

11/7 -- King Banaiaiaiaiaiaian wins MOB Mayoral election having more votes, vowels than Atomizer.

KAR makes history again by being the first blog or ThunderJournal to commemorate the third anniversary of its founding with an adapted Iron Maiden video.

11/9 thru 11/15 -- The rest of the Dumpsters join former porn loser in a veritable festival of failure.

11/19 -- Stalkers? Yeah, we've got 'em.

DECEMBER

12/26 -- Foot begins Year in Review series.

12/27 -- Foot regrets starting Year in Review series. Vows to never do one again.

12/31 -- This year is over!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Haven't We Already Had This Conversation?

FOOT: Hey Bill. How was your holiday?

BILL: Fantastic! I traveled to Japan!

FOOT: Ooooo exotic. What did you do there?

BILL: Well, I wanted to be among the first in the world to ring in the new year. But I also wanted to partake in the Japanese tradition, fukubukuro.

FOOT: ...

BILL: What?

FOOT: Sounds kinda Brokeback...

BILL: What are you talking about?

FOOT: Well, you know - I mean, I guess I really didn't need to hear about that.

BILL: About what????!!!!

FOOT: Hey, don't get me wrong. What you do on your vacation is your business...

BILL: Hey, man - you asked me what I did during my vacation in Japan and I told you: I celebrated New Years Eve and fukubukuro.

FOOT: And there it is again...

BILL: Is what again?

FOOT: "Fukubukuro".

BILL: So?

FOOT: Like I said, Bill, if you want to Fukuda the Aso of some Japanese cowboy, that's your business. Just don't fill me in with the details, m-kay?

BILL: ...

BILL: Ohhhhhhhhhh! I get it! You thought I said "fuk" -

FOOT: - "a buckaroo," yes.

BILL: No, you moron. It's a Japanese word.

FOOT: You don't say.

BILL: Yes.

FOOT: Meaning?

BILL: "Lucky sack".

FOOT: ...

BILL: ...

FOOT: ...

BILL: ... Er, it's not what you think.

FOOT: No - NO! Don't explain. I'll just be leaving now.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since I cannot possibly write anything today that will top this post, the remainder of the 2007 in Review series will have to wait until next week. Not that you care or anything.

Another Scary Kiss

This image gave me nightmares in '04, but I had to dredge it up as Edwards no doubt got some comfort after a FAIL in Iowa.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Kiss of Death

Does anyone else see this...






And think of this...



For his wife's sake, I hope John Edwards' mother is still alive.

Getting Pretty Tired of Doing This: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

AUGUST

8/1 -- Completely oblivious to the fact that a major international news story would break a mere 15 miles from him, Foot bitches about elevator etiquette.

In a dramatic impersonation of LearnedFoot's knee, the I-35W bridge collapses.

8/2 -- Presumably all earning their masters degrees in structural engineering overnight, a phalanx of partisan pantloads - most of whom have never taken a physics course in their lives - rule out design flaws, laten structural or material defects, excessive weight and heat, gravity, improvident DFL appropriations and the GOP governor's 2007 transportation bill veto as the cause of the collapse. Just kidding - they didn't rule out the veto.

The Silver Lining: noted pantload NonMonkey pens a column so rancid, it forces Ryan Rhodes to quit assblogging for a minute and join Foot and the Head to engage in the internet's first ever MultiFisking.

8/3 thru 8/9 -- More bridge-related bullshit.

8/10 -- Foot celebrates the one-year anniversary of the term "ThunderJournal" by creating a special quiz, blowing out knee.

8/13 -- KARnies go on strike, leading to massive loss of production, Emily Dickinson poems.

8/15 -- Foot busts the union and ends the strike. Yeah, the Starland Vocal Band was involved.

8/16 thru 8/22 -- More bridge bullshit, interspersed with relentless MilF hype and Dementee saying "fuck you" a lot. Ah, the new normal.

8/23 -- The hallowed pitcher comes home when Bill carries his partner Foot, Foot's blown out knee, and Foot's rancid golf game to MilF victory. Liveblog. Wrapup.

8/28 -- KAR's crack Forensic Fashion Faux Pas Team catches King Banaiaiaiaiaiaiaian wearing socks with sandals. King protests that he needs to wear the socks because of his bunions. If only there were a style of footwear that would be appropriate to wear with socks...

8/29 -- The Larry Craig Bathroom Stall Incident causes Foot to probe into the mechanics of anonymous gay bathroom sex. Concludes that, while it may include "blowing," knees probably aren't involved.

8/31 -- After exhaustive analysis of IPs, domains, proxies and local bloggers, pantload discovers new conservative blog about to be launched - one that had been discussed openly elsewhere for at least a month.

Moron Mail

We interrupt the series of wistful retrospective posts for an Emergency Moron Mail.

Regarding Adam Freedman's Dec. 27 column, "How would you diagram this sentence?": The Second Amendment is very clear that it only means militia, not that everyone has the right to keep and bear arms. Were that the case there would be no need to even mention the word militia.

Ah, but if the protections of the 2nd Amendment only related to militias, then there would not be any reason to mention "the right" or "of the people" or "to keep and bear arms". Right? See, you have to read the whole thing, not just the parts that may support your argument, such as it is.

This Supreme Court abandoned logic and even common sense when it anointed W for president in 2000 -- so now the justices could turn America into one big shooting gallery.

Ah yes, the non sequitur-o-licious bitterness that still burns from an election that was held 7 years ago. With a side of baseless alarmism! To go!

Bush appointed justices who could read, which thankfully remains the paramount skill to thrive in any level of the legal profession. Unfortunately, as this letter illustrates, it remains optional for those thrusting themselves into the civic discourse.

SHIRLEY IMA BONER, MINNEAPOLIS

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Flicking Boogers at the Calendar: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3


JUNE

6/1 -- Annual renewal of softball rivalry between Kevie's Team and Foot's Team ends in a tie. Foot too apathetic to blow out knee.

6/3 -- Apparently, on June 3, 2007, Andy got a boner. Due to Strib's website archiving policies we don't know why.

6/4 -- Bogus Doug found alive under a pile of some clever metaphor or something.

6/5 -- Strib veteran Eric Black joins the non-Soros-funded Minnesota Monitor. KAR confident it has a running gag that can last until 2008.

6/7 -- Strib gets triple mastectomy. Morons write to Strib decrying the buyouts, Saddam Hussein hanging.

6/8 -- Guest legal correspondent Sisyphus provides comprehensive coverage of Paris Hilton's court appearance. Power Line pwn3d again.

6/11 -- Tucci breaks down the

6/13 -- With the Brewers in the throes of a miserable losing streak, Foot calls for the firing of the Brew Crew's bullpen catcher.

6/14 -- Strib calls for higher taxes. Foot cites statistics, blows out knee.

6/20 -- Responding to Foot's savvy motivational techniques, Brewers win seven out of eight.

6/21 -- The Nihilist in Golf Pants turns forty. Presents consist entirely of Brokeback Mountain-related merchandise.

Left-wing think tank proposes that the best way to foster the free exchange of ideas on our nation's air waves is for the government to sue conglomerates that air conservative talk shows. Wait...what?

6/22 -- Minocqua, Wisconsin + The Clash = WIN.

The Head keeps the lights on.

6/29 -- Battery chucking Yankees fan calls Brewers fans "obnoxious". Wait...what?


JULY

7/2 -- Every single laid off Stribber takes job with a liberal think tank. Who knew?

The Great Haloscan Outage of Aught-Seven frustrates KAR's commenter.

7/5 -- Mrs. Foot gets her new boobies. David Strom calls the Foot residence every 15 minutes for the next 5 months.

7/9 -- How losers would celebrate Independence Day (Hint: it involves impeachment, Darth Vader and Pete Seger).

7/10 -- Apparently, if you live in St. Paul and the buxom "Officer Cherry" shows up at your door during a party, it isn't a good thing.

7/11 -- Bunch of emo teens with delusions of grandeur announce that they will be attempting to get the attention their parents never gave them in St. Paul next September. KAR sees high probability that antics will involve camcorders, Tenth Level Elves.

7/13 -- Apparently, in the Chickenhawk version of Rock-Paper-Scissors, "Peace Corps" beats "Navy". Army Ranger stares straight ahead and steely-eyed, muttering "Don't fuck with me, son."

MOB (Party) Rules. With bonus NARN Drinking Game!

7/15 -- The B rides her bike for the first time. Foot blows out his knee.

7/17 -- The non-Soros-funded Minnesota Monitor gets a "Transparency Grant." Resulting laughing fit prevents KAR from ThunderJournaling for the rest of the month.

7/25 -- Desperate for content during laughing fit, KAR outsources Moron Mail to China.

7/27 -- Still upset that their consensus has not been recognized, global warming alarmists continue issuing personal threats.