Monday, March 31, 2008

I Need to Axe You All a Question

Does anyone still go to Keegans? If so, is anyone planning on going Thursday?

It's been a while.

It'd be nice to see Andy Aplikowskiboner again.

Why Do Democrats Love Clown-Painting Serial Killers?

RE-UPDATED & BUMPED -- SIMPLY BECAUSE THE STUPIDITY OF SOME OF THESE FOOLS IS TOO PRECIOUS

John Wayne Gacy was convicted of the rape and murder of over 30 boys in the Chicago area.

He was also a precinct captain with the local Democratic Party.

My question is: where does local Democrat rent-a-blogger Joe Bodell stand on this. We on the right side of the aisle have been called to task by our less horribly psychotic colleagues on the left when one of our number kills a lot of people or paints pictures of clowns (though, thankfully, our legions have been fairly free of child rapists); what's good for goose is good for the gander.

UPDATE:

I guess Bodell would rather play cute guilt-by-(very loose)-association cheap-shot tricks than address the Democratic Party's problem with child-raping serial killers:

That's one local conservative blogger who would rather call me names than address the issue of Tracy Eberly's racist and altogether horrible post from Friday.

Thanks Learned Foot. I guess we know where you stand
.

Thanks Joe. I guess we know were you stand (on the side of those totally cool with child raping mass murderers).

Or you're just very very dim.

WELCOME CUCKING STOOL READERS READER MNoB!

Apparently according to some cake-eating dog from Edina, I am someone's "ilk". His conclusion is based on nothing more than the fact that I run a conservative blog, and that I don't brook cheap shots and rhetorical games from drooling morons like, well, his ilk. He does not base this on anything I may have written.

Why it sounds like this mutt is a major ignoramous Foot.

That's a perfect way of putting it, grasshopper.

I challenge it to dig through our archives to support his thesis. I think the dipshit might be surprised by what it finds.

I wouldn't hold my breath Foot.

I'm not. These people tend to maintain their self esteem by remaining willfully ignorant.

Swiftee's Pelt Collection Grows




Read this. Then as Swiftee recommends, swallow your drink and read the comments.

And our FAIL graphics collection grows:





Important MilF Rule Change: ALL MILFers PLEASE READ

All participants in the 4th Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KARNation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic should bookmark this post for easy referral. Pursuant to much discussion and deliberation, the Competition Committee has proposed a change to the scoring method used in the Tournament to be more consistent with current intellectual fads and discursive tactics.

After briefly considering both the Stableford and Chicago Point systems of scoring and rejecting them, the Committee felt that the fairest and least intellectually challenging scoring method for this year's tournament would be the Bodell-Bremer Method.

Fortunately, the Bodell-Bremmer so simple even a moron could do it. Here's how it works:

1. Score your and your partner's game as you would in any other medal-type play (that means counting the penalty strokes, Nihilist!)

2. At the end of the round, tally your and your partner's scores. Hand in your score card to the Committee Chair.

3. The lowest team score wins.

HOWEVER, here is the new twist:

4. Since all the other teams are participating in the same tournament, they obviously should be treated the same way; therefore...

5. If any single team wins the tournament, ALL TEAMS WIN! Even the teams that totally sucked.

6. And anybody who doesn't golf, but does attend the PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony, by virtue of their association with those who did golf, ALSO WIN!

We are in the process of procuring a bigger trophy so we can fit all the names of the winners on it.

UPDATE:

The Competition Committee has voted unanimously to drop the Bodell-Bremmer Scoring Method because it was found to be moronic.

And, in other news, Joe Bodell still hasn't repudiated the heinous acts of his fellow Democrat activist John Wayne Gacy.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Moron Mail

Today's topic:

Light bulbs.

Yay. Woo hoo. How exciting.

In the March 26 Blog House, Tim O'Brien decided to run a partisan attack from a DFL blogger against Rep. Michele Bachmann. O'Brien decided to note their off-topic attacks and even used the phrase 'dim bulb' as a lead in.

Well, if anybody would know dimbulbs, it would be O'Bonermort. He spends an awful lot of time on the MNPooplius and Blobletta.

My blog, residualforces.com, also addressed the subject, but mine was in support of Bachmann and her plan to save the light bulb, so it was ignored.

Curious. Read my blog. READ MY BLOG!

I wrote, "In an attemt to reverse teh stuptafying soupafying stoopdafiting dum move by the dim bulbs who rote and suported the enregy bil, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R MN6) is autoring a bil too brin back teh lite bulb. ... In case you didn't know, teh resent energee bil has putt teh inkandecent encindescant normal lithgt bulb in teh indangerred speeshees list adn will bann teh sail of tehm all together in teh vary near future. Bachmann opozed teh soshull injuneering Energy bill whihc actyooaly created know new energy and, on fact, was desined two mak it harder and moar spensive too get relible and abundent energy."

NOTE: The previous paragraph has been restored from the edited LTE version to the raw, original and unedited text which we are certain actually appeared on the author's blog.

Maybe my comments just didn't fit the anti-Bachmann agenda.

Clearly.

Liberals always seem to demand choice, so long as they get to control the options. (You can also find some more fabulous factual coverage at truthvmachine.com.)

READ THEIR BLOG!

So for those of you who read O'Brien's column,

Hello? Anyone? Buhler?

please keep in mind that what Bachmann is trying to do is allow you to choose the light bulb you want -- it has nothing to do with bedrooms.

But I have light bulbs in my bedroom!

ANDY APLIKOWSKIBONER, BLAINE

Cut and paste away, Eva!

Ha ha! I appreciate Andy providing me the opportunity to mock his spelling and keyboarding skills again. It's been a while.

And of course, we endorse Andy's view and the non moronic way in which he put it. Yet, this post is still entitled "Moron Mail". So I guess we'd better highlight a moron.

(scrolls down 1/8th of an inch)

Aha!

I would like to thank Rep. Bachmann for bravely taking this initiative with the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act, citing our nation's embrace of energy efficiency as one "of science over fads and fashions."

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP

THIS IS A CONTEXT ABUSE ALERT --- CONTEXT OF QUOTE TO FOLLOW --- DISINGENUOUS LEFTIES TURN AWAY FROM YOUR MONITORS NOW


She did not say that "our nation's embrace of energy efficiency" is one of science over fads and fashions. Here's what she really said:

"This is an issue of science over fads and fashions," Bachmann said in an interview Tuesday.

"Congress tends to jump on whatever the current buzz is in the 24-hour news cycle, " Bachmann said.

And further context:

Her bill, the first challenge of its kind, raises safety questions about the small amounts of mercury in fluorescent lights. It also lands her squarely in the middle of the debate over global warming. In recent remarks to a gathering of Sherburne County Republicans -- reported in the West Sherburne Tribune -- Bachmann called any human connection to global warming "voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

According to our Moron Mailer, "This" was a pronoun for "our nations embrace of energy efficiency." In the real world, where - because of the internet, intelligence isn't as easily insulted - what Bachmann really meant was "This" to be a pronoun for "Anthropogenic Global Warming™ hysterics.


++++END CONTEXT ABUSE ALERT++++


This is truly an important and monumental step in preserving the integrity of our free market.

Oh just shut the hell up.

I was hoping that after this bill triumphantly passes through legislation,

?????

Or the legislation passes through? Seriously, do you even have a clue?


Rep. Bachmann might be able to help undo another fad that has worn thin: the inability for me to use lead paint.


WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
THIS IS AN INAPT ANALOGY ALERT


Sure, it may have poisoned a child here and there, but why should we as consumers continue to suffer this other "massive Big Brother intrusion into our homes and our lives" as a result?

Er, because the alternative was actually provably less dangerous and equally effective?

And because the dangers of lead paint were not illusory, fictional or, at best, overblown?

Dumbass.

JUSTIN JAGOFF, MINNEAPOLIS

What's Wrong With This Picture?

From (where else?) here.

I guess they all look alike to elitist hipster douchebags "progrssive" "citizen" "journalists".

Anatomy of a ThunderJournalist

The following is an actual conversation my 3 year old son Moonchild (MC) and I (LF) had yesterday. This is not satire, and I am not making this up:

MC: Know what, daddy?

LF: What?

MC: I got a penis!

LF: I know.

MC: Do you have a penis?

LF: Why yes, yes I do.

MC: We both got penises.

LF: That's right. Give me a bump!

[MC gives LF a fist bump]

MC: We got penises because we're guys.

LF: You are a very smart boy.

MC: Mommy and [The B] don't got penises.

LF: Right.

MC: Cuz they're girls.

LF: Yes.

MC: Girls don't have penises.

LF: Yes, we've already mentioned that.

MC: Guys have penises. And butts!

[The conversation pauses here for five minutes while LF breaks down in crippling, abdomen crushing hysterical laughter.]

LF: [composing self] Girls have butts too.

MC: Yeah, I guess. But not penises.

LF: And that's what's really important.

MC: Can I eat steak now?

Ryan and I are currently in a bidding war to get Moonchild to write for our respective ThunderJournals.

Friday Bacon Post

We at KAR know that dark horse candidate Bacon will win the presidential election this November. And we've got his inaugural ball threads picked out and ready:



There's a theory that everything is better with bacon. We believe that theory with all of our heart. To that end, we are introducing our line of bacon formal wear with Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. You can get married in bacon, get confirmed in bacon or go to the Oscars in bacon! Wait until Joan Rivers gets a whiff of you. Each Tuxedo is tailored from chemically treated latex print fabric in one of four different sizes. Best of all, it smells just like bacon sizzling in the pan.


Bacon: Dressed to smell as he leads our country into delicious change.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Burnt Umbrage

I am tired of the internet. So very very tired.

Well, not the internet itself, per se. Just the political end of it.

Well, not so much the political blogs, per se. It's really just the human detritus that inhabit the comment threads.

I have mentioned before, that there is no such thing as intelligent discussion on the internet. And don't even bother looking for debate. There is none. At lest none that could be considered of any value. No, what you do get in spades is a whole bunch of self righteous assnozzles that would prefer to lecture, hector or harass you to fill whatever self esteem deficit they happen to suffer from at the time. While it can be, and has been, entertaining, it's grown tiresome reading the mini manifestos of fools and social retards who vastly overestimate their intellectual game while underestimating the amount of shit people with actual lives give about their ill-considered and usually irrelevant opinions.

Yeah, yeah I know: NEWSFLASH -- Poop blogger discovers that there are assholes on the internet. In other news, Pope to announce he's still Catholic. Well, yesterday, Flash posted a blurb that, as usual, brimmed with the intellectual honesty he's become known for lately. It led to an exchange that was pretty much the last straw for me and internet discussions:

A Right Wing plant (OK, I don't know that for sure) tried to stump the former first daughter by playing the Monica Lewinsky card:

[Blockquote]Campaigning at Butler College in Indianapolis, an audience member asked the 28 year-old whether the Monica Lewinsky scandal had damaged her mother's reputation."Wow, you're the first person actually that's ever asked me that question in the, I don't know maybe, 70 college campuses I've now been to, and I do not think that is any of your business," Clinton responded, appearing a bit surprised by the question. The crowd immediately cheered loudly at the response.[End Blockquote]

I'm really curious who asked that question. If I find out I'll update this post. If you find out, that's what the comments are for.,

Having just read the same story from a different source (a local CBS affiliate), I pasted the relevant section into the comment thread with the link and - this is important - without any further comment:

"'I'm a supporter of Hillary. I love Hillary," Strange [the guy who asked the question] said Wednesday on CBS' "The Early Show." He said he asked the question because his friends "always bring up that scandal. It's not something I asked to cause trouble but to show those people what makes Hillary so strong. It was basically a chance for Chelsea to show all the doubters how strong Hillary is."

http://wcbstv.com/politics/%20chels...a.2.685012.html

That was it. Other than the explanatory parenthetical, I typed nothing. Here was what one of Flash's more diseased commenters (and that is saying something) replied to my comment:

My take on Chelsea and the media was that they were showing HER at least as being pretty quick on her feet, and having the aplomb to deal with impertinent folks tactfully and gracefully, but firmly. I didn't see this as any sort of 'embarassing' moment for her - not at all.

That said, I think, without question, there are FAR larger issues. It's too bad folks like Foot (for example) found focusing on Lewisnski to be of such worth and merit for several years while much larger problems loomed, and equally curious that whilst Clinton was President, and we were in Bosnia, that he (among others) was entirely willing to endeavor to seditiously strip Clinton of the ability to effectively govern. Which, ironically, was the ultimate goal of the right, not any worry about sexual impropriety - I mean, if it were, they'd have been all over Gingrich, or Guiliani, or a host of others - then and since. No instead, in the guise of manifest 'integrity' expectations, they assailed Clinton, saying 'not my President not my war' about Bosnia, but any questions of the same nature of Bush, now that we're in Iraq, are not just seditious, but treasonous, and of course the questions are of a far more serious level (i.e. the cronyism and corrosive politicization of policy and public service organs).

So Foot, how do you feel about the duplicity of getting after Clinton on Lewinski, while condemning the Democrats for asking questions of the President around the veracity of intelligence, around the coverup of the BS cherry-picking of intelligence? I mean, in the end, which exactly is the more meaningful pursuit? Which represents a reasonable question of a President during wartime, who his bedfellow is, or whether he's decieving the entire nation into a war that is unneeded? Which is a more reasonable approach, throwing your hands up in the air and abandoning support of say, Bosnia, because you don't like the particular reason (stopping genocide) and don't see a strategic (aka OIL) interest, or throwing your hands up that we stuck our nose into a Civil War for no good reason, other than for Oil?

Just askin
.

leftout

You can't even exchange just bare data - information, fact - with some of these people without drawing from them an extended lecture based on assumptions and stereotypes that they and all their like-minded friends spend what seems to be every waking hour grinding into their own heads.

After explaining to this jerk that he needed help, he treated me to this nuanced and deeply intellectual response, which sums up very nicely why political discussion on the internet is a barren wasteland populated mostly with pseudo-intellectual losers who should at best be avoided, and at worst mocked mercilessly (emphasis mine):

Foot, you're yet another right-wing blogging toady.. sorry I didn't care to follow your link to whatever it said. So often what you, and those like you, post is such garbage, I didn't see mcuh point.

I linked to a news story on the website of a local CBS affiliate. Something I take to mean that this person and - to use his inept logical devices - EVERY SINGLE OTHER DROOLING DOUCHEBAG LEFTIST COCKSUCKER TO THE LEFT OF NEWT GINGRICH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FACTS EITHER.

Whew. That felt nice. Vacant, but nice.

Frankly, other than past conduct by people like you, I guess there's absolutely nothing out there to point to regarding the continuation of this BS issue. Oh, and things like planting Jeff Guckert in press conferences.. and..on and on.

Yes, people like me. People who posted a link to a story that didn't fit his template. People like me, whom he doesn't know from Adam, and who never will since he refuses to read my "garbage." At this point, you really have to begin to wonder how - or if - this guy AND ALL LEFTY TOADIES JUST LIKE HIM are able to function in society.

The world is filled with approximately 6 billion people who all think that they are objective and have a corner on the truth, while The Others are drooling troglodytes unable to overcome their own biases. Those of us who possess sufficient intellectual firepower realize this and take it into account; though admittedly we do fail from time to time. And those who don't...

Well, your comments are always welcome in the hive.

What should be clear from this story that I impart to you today is that people like "leftout" want only to lecture, harangue or harass. They do not want debate, for real debate should end in illumination, if not persuasion. And illumination is like kryptonite to these people.

I, for one give up. From now on, on the rare occasion I do venture into some discussion thread (WARNING: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY) and encounter some assnozzle like "leftout" here, I will no longer engage them. Instead, in response to their loaded, goading self-righteous interrogations I shall merely respond by:

a) Calling them a racist, misogynist, homophobe etc.

b) Rickrolling them; or

c) In extreme cases, maybe a link to some scat porn.

Get a life, losers.

Take Back The Gym!

Many of us have experienced similar encounters with flatulence in gyms like Foot. But, if you care nothing for impressing others whilst doing hip abductors, you can bring in da noiz like this guy (smell not included, but some experience phantom pain)...



Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Very Important Post For Those of You Living a Healthy Lifestyle

I know many of you are coming here looking for the puerile take on Toothgate. I want you to rest assured that I have assigned the story to several members of staff, who are working around the clock to bring you the very best in recriminatory and ad hominem insult humor. Perhaps you may have already read The Head's piece immediately below.

In any event, we've received all kinds of tips and pictures from our adoring public, and hope to get around to posting them soon. Just know that we here at KAR are always endeavoring to bring you the classiest lowbrow humor at the expense of assholes who so richly deserve it.

Which brings me to today's important topic: farting.

I have recently begun working out again. Last month, I got a membership with a large, locally based health club chain and have been lifting weights and doing cardio on alternating days five to six days a week. After about a month, I am again able to kick the living shit out of nearly all of your typical bloggers and blog readers. But that's not what I'd like to address today.

What I would like to address is a problem that I've found to be rather common during my workouts. It seems that when some people are doing cardio work, they seem unwilling or unable to hold in their flatulence. At least twice a week, I'll be cruising along on an elliptical machine looking a lot like Sigourney Weaver at the end of Aliens, when an invisible cloud of flatus smacks me right upside my schnoz. A particularly rancid one floated through the cardio room yesterday causing me to fall off my machine.

I will not mince words: This needs to stop, and it needs to stop now.

Not only does the nauseating smell of poo gas cause me to hold my breath - not advisable when burning those calories - but its embarrassing. For all I know, that hot chick in the spandex on the machine next to me thinks that I laid it. While that shouldn't bother a married man, I was still raised to know that one should not drop ass in the company of ladies who do not write for the Minnesota Monitor. I don't want her thinking that I'm rude or not in control of my faculties.
And what about that poor single guy on the machine on the other side of her? He was thinking of maybe asking out the spandex hottie right up until he became the other prime suspect in the Case of the Epic Elliptical Burrito Blowout. Now everyone within noseshot is looking unflinchingly ahead, trying to pretend that it doesn't smell like someone left a Cleveland Steamer on the treadmill behind them.
In short, farting in the workout studio ruins lives.
So please, if you must fart at the gym, take it back into the locker room where that sort of thing is appreciated. Unless you're a spandex-clad hottie, and you're the one who's dropping them; in which case, well, that's just f-ing cool.

-----------------------
Iron Matron adds:


I was working the treadmill at Brap Fitness this afternoon, and to my surprise in front of me was Molly working out right next to Ryan! When Ryan realized who he was "beating cheeks" next to, he asked her, "Hey: aren't you the mynx who wrote that MN Mon piece about McCain's teeth?" Molly demurely replied, "HellOOO, who else would contribute such award-winning Soros-journalism? Ha hahahaha. Like, yeah. It was totally me. I can totally sniff out a scoop anywhere." To which Ryan replied, "Cool! Hey, I've got a scoop on a dirty mushroom story for you. Check it out!"



FOOT ADDS:
I thought that pic was take at her last meeting with Steve Perry. It wasn't?

Matron answers:

Nope. This was her last editorial meeting with Perry:




Tuesday, March 25, 2008

From The Files of Molly Priesmeyer

After the furor caused by Molly Priesmeyer's diagnosis of John McCain's teeth, I did a little googling to find some of Ms. Priesmeyer's other work.

I was shocked at what I found.

January, 2005: Molly Priesmeyer writing about TV coverage from Indonesia:

"Not to be snarky, but don't those people know about washing machines and hair dryers? Everyone's like, totally, wet and muddy. HellOO, care to get some of the mud off? Doyy".

Summer, 1994: Molly Priesmeyer writing about Rwanda:

"Like, I totally know that "armism" and "headism" are totally western imperialist constructs designed by dead white males, but hellOO, could you wash the blood or like, whatever off at least?"

Thursday, April 22, 1993: Molly Priesmeyer at the dedication of the US Holocaust Museum:

"There were lots of grody displays and stuff, but I kept getting all distracted by those guys in the tacky beards - like, mullets on the fronts of your face, hellOO?, and those beanie caps. "Yarmulke" is such a funny word. I laughed"

In the summer of 2004, covering the murder of four Blackwater contractors in Fallujah:
Like, hellOOO? Don't you people know "Meat is Murder?"
And finally, in March of 2008, writing in response to Jeff Fecke:
Like, HellOOO, I am not a racist or a sexist nor an ass-kisser. Totally.
I'm still looking.

A Very Special Followup Fleen

Careful. This might force you to have to think a little bit.

Moron Mail

Oh, you knew it was coming (not a rickroll):

The rearrest of Sara Jane Olson should alarm us all.

And yet, it didn't. In fact, my reaction was more along the lines of exactly:

She was a smug and unrepentant terrorist who was getting a free pass from her Highland Park neighbors solely because she was a good little DFL fundraiser. Couldn't have happened to a better person.
Are we to believe Olson's release date was not scrutinized to its minutiae prior to her release?
Well, actually, yes we are to believe that. (Not a Rickroll)
In fact, if the extended sentence was not tacked on to her original sentence in an unlawful application of California's "Serious Offender" law, she would have been released and finished parole long ago, like all convicted of similar crimes.
Oh really? Was that addressed on appeal? If not, why not?
Oh, it was (from the above-linked non-rickrolled article):
Olson's convictions and appeals spanned 2001 to 2007, when an appellate court took a year off her sentence for the botched pipe-bombing. That dropped her time for that conviction to 12 years, half of which she served.
And our Moron of the Day knew about that appeal (not a Rickroll-- and you gotta click that link and read the last four grafs)
That the law enforcement authorities can seize Olson at the airport just days after her release is chilling to say the least.
If you consider forcing a felon to serve out her term chilling, then yes it is chilling.
It will, in the end, be proven that her release was proper and overdue,
Er, no it won't. See above linked non-rickrolled article. The first one.
but not before her family spends many thousands more on legal costs and Olson spends many more months in unwarranted incarceration.
So, getting a 12 year sentence (eligible for parole after 7 under the correct calculation) for bank robbery, planting pipe bombs and SECOND DEGREE F-ING MURDER is "unwarranted".
If Soliah weren't an active Tic, would you have even written this letter?
We must not tolerate this gross abuse of power by law enforcement and corrections officials. The analogy to fascism by Olson's attorneys is not an exaggeration.
Only to the extent that felons and domestic terrorists are not to be punished if they're affiliated with the correct party.
MARY ELLEN BONERUZA, MINNEAPOLIS

Sidebar Shakeup

For the first time since 1987, I have updated the Rainbow of Flavaz blogroll. As you know, making the ROF list is a coveted prize for those blogs and bloggers who have the right stuff. We select only the best to appear there, and new denizens in the Rainbow of Flavaz can expect their traffic to bump up by about 2 unique hits per day.

So what's new? Here's a summary:

Perennial MilFer Night Writer makes the list, as does Speed Gibson. I would have put these guys on sooner, but I feared that updating the blogroll too frequently might ruin the ROF's mystique.

Even though he updates once a year, Surly Dave gets the nod. It would be a travesty to leave the Master of Sausages off the list.

I culled out a lot of the "dingleberry" blogs; that is, blogs that are either dead or seldom updated, but keep on hangin' on in the ROF because of my neglect. So Captain's Quarters, The Attic and a host of others have been shown the door.

Finally, I have removed Centrisity from the blogroll until such time that Flash stops being a bellicose kool aid-besotted blabbering idiot. It's really been sad to see this once OK blogger lose all perspective.

However, there is a silver lining. Centrisity's departure opens up the coveted Token Liberal Slot on the ROF. And since I'm feeling generous, I'm going to add another. (Is it still a "token" if there's two?)

Anyhoo, Discordian Stooge gets the first nod. He's a militant atheist and a degenerate Vikings fan who's frequently blasphemous. However, he's also one of the few lefties with a blog who's often intentionally funny.

The other slot goes to Power Liberal, the other leftyblogger who can be intentionally funny. Plus she's got a cute baby girl and a camera with a big memory card.

I'm a sucker for baby pics.

(Cute babies. Don't start sending me pictures of that Predator's Spawn that you call your grandbaby in hopes of getting on the most exclusive blogroll in Minnesota. It won't happen.)

Monday, March 24, 2008

You Wouldn't Get This From Any Other Guy

I had a really sweet post ready to go, but it got eated.

So instead, enjoy this slightly less sweet video.

In fact, just today, the New York Times hailed that video as "a rapidly spreading phenomenon with roots in [the under-30 set's] favorite medium — the Internet."

Hey - I enjoy the internet medium too!

Baitracing

It's time we had a discussion about race in America.




Unfortunately, many folks haven't yet achieved the intellectual level necessary to conduct such a conversation (and yes, he actually wrote that).


So we'll continue to wait.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Becuase It Would Be Funny, That's Why

The WaPo's taking a poll of the best state blogs. You know that the claim-perpetual-victimhood-tinfoil-hat lefty blogs will try and cram the ballot box, just like they do with newspaper letters sections, public opinion polls and, well, ballot boxes.

So go there, register, and tell em in the comment thread that KAR is the greatest poli-blog in Minnesota - nay - America.

All of you.

Now.

They Have the Perry, But We've Got the Power

With the sweeping changes over at Minnesota Monitor of late, I got to thinking about how that operation is now being run. With a brand new Editor in Chief (or Kommisar, or Enlightened Leader, or whatever the hell they call him) Steve Perry, and a host of brand new rep- er, reeeeeeee-; reeeeport-;

Sorry, I seem unable to articulate that word in this context. Let's call them "contributors".

So, with a new Premier and a host of new contributors, I think the time is ripe for the good employees over at the Monitor to organize.

I mean, here you have this supposedly "progressive" "news" "outlet" totally exploiting the labor of its contributors for a measly $1,500 per month bribe stipend. And MinneMoni's parent, the Center for "Independent" Media doesn't appear to even offer health insurance, let alone a 401(k). You'd think that an organization that's aligned with those committed to bringing Cuban-style health care to our shores would be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.

So, having a background in Labor Law (I got in "A" in the course in law school), and being a fellow local ThunderJournalist and a former union member myself, I decided that I was in the perfect position to free the Glorious Workers of the Minnesota Monitor from their shackles of servitude.

First, I contacted the IBEW (they're always looking for new dues, er, I mean members), and told them to get one of their best "salters" ready. Then I contacted one of the more feisty new exploited MinneMoni contributors, one Molly Priesmeyer, via email:

Dear Ms. Priesmeyer,

My name is LearnedFoot, and I am contacting you to inform you of your right to organize with your fellow workers into a bargaining unit. Our records show that you and your fellow workers are bribed paid a mere $1,500 per month, and you are not provided an employer-paid health insurance plan. I think these conditions are deplorable, and I suspect you do as well.


Given the flexible perceptions of truth, and penchant for making shit up to cast the objects of your scorn in the worst possible light I see portrayed daily in your scribblings, I fear that there may be few alternatives for you to earn a fair wage and garner decent benefits in our current job market. I think Union representation is right for you and your colleagues and consistent with your world view.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Regards,

LearnedFoot

I received the following reply from Ms. Priesmeyer, which - even though I'm totally making it up - is what I believe an accurate reflection of what she would be thinking:

Dear Mr. Foot,

You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.

Kisses and Licks,

Mol'

Since this was the opposite of the reaction I wanted, I immediately flagged her email address as spam. Unfortunately, she must have forwarded my communique' on to her boss, who also wrote me:

Dear Mr. Foot,

You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.

Kisses and Licks,

Steve Perry


And thus, I have sworn off defending the working man (and woman) for the rest of my life.

OH THE HUMANIPEEP!

Sorry, Chad. This will hurt:

Friday Bacon Post

Today's Friday Bacon Post has been canceled due to the weather and poor road conditions. Why not take this opportunity to spend some quality time with your bacon?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Here You Go, Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo

Thanks to my "Free Throws" motivational poster, Denbo can now hang this on his fridge:



This is the first time Kentucky has lost in the 1st round of the Tourney since 1987, and the 30th (or so) time Marquette has knocked them out of it.

Here You Go, Coach Creen

Click to enlarge, print it out, hang it on every available locker room surface before halftime. (Denbo: you can just hang it on the fridge.)




Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Where I'll Be from 11:30am Today Through Sunday

Out on the sea of madness. --Iron Maiden

If we're not already in a recession, I'm fairly certain that the utter lack of productivity caused by this should be enough to push us into the abyss. Fortunately for me and my employer, I am bribed paid on salary and burdened with no billable hour goals. And I've been "working ahead" all week.

Between now and April 7, all strident, smug and soccer fanatic-like hockey comments will be altered to reflect what I think the author meant.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

More Random Crassness

While we're off to a good start this week, we still have a little ways to go until this can be called the crassest week in the history of KAR. So let's get, er, crackin'.

Today's item was sent in by my Northern Alliance colleague, the Nihilist in Golf Pants:

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

What would one do with a new anus, anyway? Take a second job as a pencil cup? Cleveland Steamers for two?

And doesn't everybody just love that new anus smell?!

[Laughing to hard at the moment to continue posting. Please talk amongst yourselves.]

Hooray for Boobies!

You probably shouldn't watch this one at work.



(Tip o' the pitcher to Jeff who, for whatever reason, didn't think that this vid would be apprpriate for TvM.

Irony. Proof.

More abuse of the English language from a far left-wing paid propagandist:

Bribes -- more commonly known as signing bonuses -- are "one of the main reasons why the Army has been able to meet its recruiting goals in spite of the ongoingspecter of serving in Iraq," Massing writes. (Emphasis mine)

I wonder how much money all those Tic front groups used to bribe Perry to write that?

(Long time followers of KAR may remember Steve Perry as the nutslap who dinged Katherine Kerstin for writing at a 6th-grade reading level...in a post written at a 5th-grade reading level.)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The St. Paul Steamer

The PiPress has the poop on the mysterious DHS fecal invasion March 15.

A man got into the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management office in downtown St. Paul Friday and defecated in several rooms, police said today.

The incident happened about 1:30 p.m. in a basement office area of 444 Cedar St., according to a police report. The man went in through an emergency exit door that hadn't been secured properly, said Tom Walsh, St. Paul police spokesman.

A contractor working for building management walked out and didn't properly secure the door behind him, said Susan Lasley, Minnesota Department of Public Safety spokeswoman.

Based on the suspect's description, he appeared to be homeless, Walsh said.


That pretty much matches the description of most hippie anti-war protesters in the area... Wait a minute: That was the day before the anti-war protest in Minneapolis. I'm sure they took stool samples.


The man had left on foot before an officer arrived, the police report said.


??!!! What did he leave on you, Foot?

Moron Mail

For those of you from out of state who may not have heard, Crass Douchebag with Short Man's Disease, er, "comedian" Al Franken is the TFL's latest gimmick candidate, who is running for The Corpse of Paul Wellstone's Norm Coleman's senate seat. (If you thought that sentence was crass, suck it. I'm a "satirist".) Well, today we have a very special moron mail, penned by Franken's butt boy (SATIRIST!) "communications" director, Andy Bonarr:

Norm Coleman is once again confusing words with actions.

On CNN last week, Sen. Coleman was asked how he differs from President Bush on how we should reverse the Republican Recession.

STOP!!!!!

"Republican Recession"?

"Republican Recession"???

"Republican Recession"???????//???????///????////SLASH?????????

We have all become stupider for having read that. I don't think Andy even knows what a recession is, much less what causes them to occur every 7 to 12 years.

Oh, sure, I could play Mr. Bonarr's game by retorting to this latest in a long list of obvious Tic stylistic devices meant to deceive with something like:

Last I checked, we didn't have a recession until the Dems took over Congress! HA! I TOTALLY PWN3D YOU!!!!!!

or,

Why is Bonarr writing a letter now about something Coleman said last week? Either he doesn't know how to use email or he just saw the latest Senate race poll results.

And indeed I'm sure we can think of 100 more takedowns of this fairly typical Political Hack-speak. But, I think that such a moronic attack sallied by a lightweight, deserves an equally moronic and lightweight retort.

Therefore, I will not be reproducing the remainder of Bonarr's vacuous letter. I shall instead use the remaining space in this post to google-bomb Al Franken's campaign website with our new favorite term, "Cleveland Steamer." I encourage others to do the same.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.


Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.

Cleveland Steamer.

New NY Governor Swallows...

Not Again!1!!!

In a stunning revelation, both Paterson, 53, and his wife, Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview they each had intimate relationships with others during a rocky period in their marriage several years ago.

In the course of several interviews in the past few days, Paterson said he maintained a relationship for two or three years with "a woman other than my wife," beginning in 1999.


The good news: he's fessed up, owned up and patched up with his wife.

The bad news: you are subjected to more pr0n slang at KAR.


Monday, March 17, 2008

Time to Rein in the Zebras

MEMO TO THE NCAA AND ITS CONSTITUENT CONFERENCE GOVERNING BODIES:

Your basketball referees are out of control. Whatever thrills there were to be derived from some of the dramatic spectacles of this past weekend's games were completely and utterly diluted by imperialistic and buffoonish officials insinuating themselves into seemingly every play to make some absurd call.

This needs to stop.

During one conference tournament semifinal game, the refs called multiple fouls in which the infraction was little more than the defender inadvertently brushing the ball handler with his package. Now, I fully understand that men brushing other men in public with their packages is socially unacceptable outside, say, Steve Perry's Minnesota Monitor "news"room, I hardly think it rises to the level of a foul. Making matters worse, in this same game, a member of the same team that was victimized by these petty package-brushing fouls, got elbowed hard in the face by a member of the other team, knocking him to the ground and temporarily taking that player out of the play. No foul was called.

In another conference championship semifinal game (different conference), with the game still close and about 10 seconds left to play, the trailing team put up a shot that missed. A member of the leading team snared the rebound, but failed to land on his feet. To repeat the rule that I'm not sure the refs are aware of, if a player in possession of the rock falls down without maintaining a dribble, it's traveling and the ball is turned over. Or else the ref could have called a foul from the contact that went on during the scrum under the rim that led up to the rebound. This is what typically has happened in similar situations in thousands of past basketball games. Oh, but not here. Here is what happened:

1) After blowing the play dead, the ref made no call.

2) He then proceeds to hold a 5-minute-long conference at the scorer's table.

3) After this conference, the ref winds 5 valuable seconds off the clock for no discernible reason, and then presents the ball to the team whose player had just fallen down (traveled) without calling a foul or even making up some new rule.

I could not believe my eyes when I saw this, so I called noted basketball expert Noted Marquette (Kentucky is Our Bitch) Alumnus Denbo to get his take. Denbo's take was something along the lines of "WTF????" confirming my diagnosis of insipidly rancid refereeing.

I could go on with all of the ridiculous calls I witnessed this weekend, but time is short. And I'm more of a solutions oriented kind of guy. So here are my recommendations on how the NCAA can remove the suck that's so recently permeated its officiating:

1) KILL THE THIRD REF. Any improvement to the officiating has got to begin here. When you have 33% more refs on the floor, you have 33% more eyes that can see 33% more of the action. Which, if my math and experience are correct, can lead to approximately 4,598% more bad calls. You need one ref to watch the ball and one to watch the action away from the ball. That's it.

2) THE PAINT IS FOR MEN. And it thus follows that any manly activity occurring in the paint ought to be tolerated. All reasonable pushing, shoving, elbowing, foot stomping and body banging should be expected, not punished. Hacking a guy on the arm while he's shooting is a foul. Landing on him after going for the board is not.

3) ACCIDENTALLY BRUSHING ONE'S PACKAGE AGAINST THE BALL HANDLER WHILE PLAYING OTHERWISE CLEAN DEFENSE IS NOT A FOUL. I covered this one pretty well above already.

4) PUT A MUZZLE ON BILLY PACKER. This really doesn't have anything to do with officiating, but as long as we're reforming we might as well implement a change that everybody wants to see.

5) MAKE-UP CALLS SHOULD BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. We all understand that refs are human and will make mistakes. We'll boo you and forget about it if you go forth and sin no more. A make-up call is nothing more than a mistake on purpose, which is the most avoidable kind of mistake. Any ref caught doing this should never officiate a game above the CYO level ever again.

6) THE DOUBLE BONUS SHOULD KICK IN AT NO LESS THAN 14 FOULS: Though, if the NCAA gets its act together, this might not be necessary. The double bonus was put in place to penalize a trailing team a little more for fouling to stop the clock. However, we often see teams shooting the double bonus by the 10-minute mark of the half. Which means what is really being punished in these circumstances is aggressive play. This is unacceptable and needs to stop.

7) IF THE DEFENDER'S FEET ARE MOVING AND HE'S NOT PUSHED, IT'S NOT CHARGING. Period.

I'm sure I'll think of more later.

I've Never Heard of That Before

Hmmm. Iron Matron created a new topic label: "Alabama Hot Pocket".

Sounds delicious. I wonder what that is...

(researching)

Oh.

OH GOD NO!!

*grawp*

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRF!!!!!

MUST! ERASE! FROM! MEMORY!

MUST CLICK OUT OF PAGE! CLICK ANYTHING!

"Cleveland steamer?" That sounds innocuous. I think I'll click that -

(clicking)


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Spitzer's Date Swallows

I'd swear Foot had a hand in writing this bit from National Banana...

BREAKING!11!ELEVEN!! MNPOOPLIUS REPORTING THAT THE DFL HAS 4% MORE ACTIVISTS THAN THE GOP IN THE 3rd DISTRICT!!!!!!

Seriously. That's all this really means. Because, let's face it: no normal person in the 3rd has the faintest idea who any of the candidates for Ramstad's seat are at this stage of the game.

Like I've always said: polls are porn for sad unactualized losers who have a pathological need to be part of the larger herd; regardless of whether that herd is marching right off a cliff.

Off to pee wee soccer practice boys.

Answering Reader Searches

Since today is Frivolous Friday, I thought I'd respond to some reader search engine searches that, for whatever reason, brought them here to KAR.

"lyrics" dont you forget about me don't don't don't don't you forget about me say la la la la la la al

I believe what you are looking for is the Simple Minds' song counter-intuitively entitled "Don't You Forget About Me." Or Bill Clinton's farewell address.

Guy fucking dog.

Sorry. The guy you're looking for stopped blogging last week.

Spitzer swallows.

Yes.

statistics on whether people prefer red or orange koolaid more

That, my friend, is a question for the ages. Yet I fear that you have left a small hole in your thesis, which is that to wit: there are more flavours of Kool aid beyond red or orange. What you have done here, dear sir is propose a false dichotomy that mustn't go unaddressed. Indeed you must also take into account the other major flavors such as purple, green, yellow, pink and Purplesaurus Rex. I'm glad that you came to me now so that I can enlighten your methodology, and thus prevent a most unfortunate embarrassment later, when you would have otherwise been required to defend your faulty PhD dissertation in front of the good faculty of Dartmouth.

"commerce clause" "broad interpretation"

Ah - a law talkin' question. Well, you've come to the right place.

A broad interpretation of the commerce clause occurs when Ruth Bader Ginsberg (or, until a couple of years ago, Sandra Day O'Connor) interprets the commerce clause.

How to keep anus and butcheeks smelling like Shit?

I find that avoiding toilet paper works best, combined with the forbearance of showering. And don't stop pooping. Don't ever stop pooping.

This - whatever it is - is over!

Friday Bacon Post

It's been a thin week for bacon news, what with Eliot Spitzer's "makin' bacon" scandal sucking all the oxygen out of the proverbial room. Fortunately the Analog Kid alerts us to one item to save the FBP's, um, bacon:

I scream. You scream. We all scream for bacon.

Scientific Proof that I Suck Less than Some Totally Random Commie-Blogger

A Google search for "LearnedFoot sucks" returns a mere 234 hits.

However, a Google search for "Phoenix Woman + delusional psycho" produces a whopping 5,280 hits.

Which is conclusive proof that while I may suck a little, the consensus seems to be that this Phoenix Woman person goes through tinfoil like Kleenex.

Conclusive proof.


Iron Matron adds:

I did a Google "image search" for Phoenix Woman:





The Head of Alfredo Garcia adds:

This thread sparked my curiosity. Since "number of google searches" equals "progressive reality", I figured I'd see what other facts we could divine.

Like this one. And this one. Or this.

I just love facts!

As long as people are seemingly randomly adding to this post, Xerxes adds:

A Google Image Search--GIS if you're a Farker--for "Dirty Mushroom."

Curious. Developing.

LearnedFoot Jumps Back into the Fray for the Win:

723,000. Q.E.D.

Caught Somewhere in Time

Fishsticks is blogging again.

And Lileks' is, er, columning again.

I went to bed in 2008 and woke up in 2006. Heavy.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

HA HA! Just Kidding About that MilF Date

One other tradition of the MilF is frequent date changes. And here's the first. When I said it would be Friday July 18th, what I really meant was that MilF 4 would be held on:

FRIDAY JULY 25, 2008

The original post has been amended accordingly.

Ahhh. Tradition.

You May Beat Tiger Woods, But You Can't Lick the MilF

ATTENTION ALL MILFERS, POTENTIAL MILFERS, MILF WANNABES AND CHAD:
Summer is a mere 3 months away, meaning that the annual difinitive rite of Summer, The Annual KARNation Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Charity Classic Presented by Kia Motors, is imminent.

I'm going to run things a little differently this year, so listen up biznitches:

1) Everybody who either played in MilF '07 or attended the 2007 PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony will automatically be on the mailing list this year. Only folks that did not participate in either or both of those events last year, need to contact the tournament chair at:




if they wish to play or party at the PostMilF.

2) Instead of polling everybody as to which date works the best, I'm just going to throw one out there. Yes, mark your calendars (in pencil) and save the following date:



FRIDAY JULY 18th, 2008
FRIDAY JULY 25th, 2008


Of course, this date is not firm. If it's a problem for too many people, we'll move it. Tee times should be around the same time, but we may push them back to 1:00 PM pursuant to the Nihilist in Golf Pants' excessive bitching last year.

3) I'm going to try and pull back on the emailings this year, so please post questions, concerns and insults directed at Chad the Elder's weak game to this and future MilF comment threads. However, the tournament Committee will get in touch with everybody on the mailing list within the next couple of weeks to iron out details, take complaints and presumably come up with a new date.

Yes that's a lot of changes, but I am sure they will be welcome. After all, we keep hearing how good change is. Happily, some traditions will return:

a) I presume the Surly Dave will remain our Master of Sausages, as the position is his for life.

2) Chad the Elder will talk a big game only to come up with a lame excuse at the last minute to get out of playing.

D) Something will get blowed up.

(iv) The Jeffie "The Wingnut Slayer" look-alike contest will return.

(&) Andy will tread the Road Not Taken. Every hole.

4^10) Inanimate objects will be molested.

:-) The Head will liveblog

=> Foot's mammoth tee shots will make women swoon and men faint.

7) Beer!

[Q] Fabulous cash prizes!


...And much, much more.

All you have to do is get on the list. Email your Open Championship hosts to get put on the mailing list, or use this thread.

MilF 4: Bigger. Badder. Sexier. Spitzer.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Moron Mail

Today's safeword is: "turd".

Imagine a place where your own people would punish you for doing the right thing.

OK. I'm picturing an S&M dungeon.

Imagine a state that denounces you for having your own opinions.

A "state," being a political fiction and not a sentient person, cannot denounce anything. Ooooo - spank me again with more nonsense!

Imagine a party that fails to support you after years and years of loyalty.

A swinger party?

Oh yeah, that's the Republican Party,

Damn!

which just punished members of its own caucus for doing the right thing and supporting the override of Gov. Tim Pawlenty's veto of the transportation bill.

Oh oh! Beat me across my thighs and buttocks with more non sequiturs logical fallacies!!

"Doing the right thing" assumes that the tax increase was the right thing to do. Let me out of these cuffs a moment so I can stick something up your anus for a change.

Thank goodness these six members have the courage to have their own thoughts.

OUCH! I guess I deserved that for my smart mouth. Of course Mistress is right: courage merely requires one to have "their own thoughts." Whether or not those own thoughts are moronic or against the platforms they ran and won on is not figured into the calculus.

Spank me some more...

It punishes its elected officials who vote their conscience rather than blindly vote the party line.

How many Tics "voted against the party line, mistress?

I, er, don't like where this is going...

Turd?

No one likes to pay more taxes, but when potholes widen, roads deteriorate and bridges fall down, someone's got to fix them.

Please stop! Er... Turd!

That someone is us, not our children,

TURD!!!

nor our children's children.

ARRRRRRGHHHH!!!!! TURD TURD TURD TURD TURD TUUUUUUUUURD!!!!!!!!

It is us.

owie.

You are a bad, mean, naughty moron mistress,

SARAH KYLLBONER, ST. PAUL

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Open Thread for Chad and Sisyphus to Discuss Hockey

Some lesser-talented bloggers hate sports. It goes without saying that we here at KAR love sports. Whether we're breaking down the March brackets or noticing how bad the Nihilist in Golf Pants is at picking NFL games ATS, sports are the butter to this ThunderJournal's bread.

Admittedly, however, we have been awfully heavy on football and baseball postings, while fairly light on others; except for when Sisyphus, Chad or some hoser who googled "hockey sucks" threadjacks a post. So in an effort to cram a wider array of sports into KAR, I offer this thread to my Northern Alliance colleagues Sisyphus and Chad to make up for the lack of hockey discussion at KAR.

Or to make Elliot Spitzer blow job jokes. Whatever.

Sisyphus and Chad only, please.

New And Improved Seven Deadly SIns

Closed circuit to Foot and Moonchild: You are put on notice.

Vatican City (AHN) - In an attempt to give moral and ethical behavior more significance to current times, the Vatican has recently announced seven new deadly sins, published in an issue of the L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's official newspaper.

The revision of the list comes after 1,500 years, with Vatican officials explaining that the new items address a global "secular" society bent on the concerns in the age of globalization. The sins are said to be an address to the "decreasing sense of sin" in the modern world.


Foot and child recently celebrated a bachelor weekend, thinking, "hey - at least these aren't deadly sins." That would be a FAIL.

Mgr Girotti named the new mortal sins to be

(1)genetic modification; (2) human experimentations, (3) polluting the environment; (4) social injustice; (5) causing poverty; (6) financial gluttony; and (7) taking drugs.




Foot and Moonchild pretty much scored a "full house" on that list. Yikes.

To rescue these sinners from the fiery gates of Hell, I had to get medieval on their heinies and summon Nunzilla.




"Own up to your transgressions, Foot. Repent! Reeeeeeeeeepeeennnnnn... ttt... rree... pp..."

...


...


"Shit. Somebody wind me up!"

Spitzer Swallows: Likely to Finish Job Soon

I actually have nothing to say about this story. I just REALLY wanted to use that headline.

Monday, March 10, 2008

What's in Your Water?

Apparently there are drugs in our drinking water. No, really. For example, tests found antibiotics in Denver's water and amoxicillin, azithromycin, carbamazepine, diclofenac, prednisone, tetracycline and orange spray-on tanning fluid in North Jersey's.

Us Minneapolitans get gypped - our water is fortified with mere caffeine (yawn). However, Milwaukeans can get them some cotinine - a metabolite of nicotine that may also improve mental function.

Which explains why ThunderJournalists from Milwaukee are smarter than your average blogger. It's something in the water.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Moonchild: The Hef of the 3-Year-Old Set

While other bloggers are indulging their acute cases of Packer Derangement Syndrome, KAR rests on Sundays. I find the weekends an ideal time to bond with my family, and this weekend was no different. Well, it was slightly different.

Yes, this weekend was another "bachelor weekend" for Moonchild and I, as Mrs. Foot and The B traveled to Chicago to visit friends and family. As is typical when such an occasion arises, things got a little off da hook.

Since the grill is buried under 6 feet of snow, we had to forgo our usual flame broiled meat for dinner. So we went with the next favorite nosh of dudes, pizza:




After dinner, we played a little Guitar Hero. After a stirring 2-song set (Weezer's "My Name is Jonas" followed by an emotional performance of Muse's "Knights of Cydonia"), Moonchild concludes his encore of The Who's "The Seeker" by pretending to smash his guitar:





Parched from our Wii workout, Moonchild offers to shake us up some martinis:









"NO YOU CAN'T HAZ MAH MARTINI!!! NOT YOURS!!!"





We enjoyed Moonchild's delicious martinis whilst playing a game of heads-up poker. Here, we see Moonchild forcing me to go all in on the turn:





Moonchild cleaned me out. Fortunately, I was playing with proceeds from his college fund, so things turned out all square. All in all, it was another great Dudes' Weekend.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Liveblogging the New and Improved NARN

NOTE 3/10: You can relive the magic (or, if you missed it, experience it for the first time) by listening to the podcast found here (Headliners hour 1, March 8, 2008) while reading the liveblog, the liveblog liveblog, and the delayblog of the liveblog and the liveblog's liveblog. Got that?

I'll be liveblogging the 1:00 hour of NARN. Blogspot is barfy right now, so this may not fly.

1:05 - It should be illegal for Chad to utter Brett Favre's name.

1:07 - They're stalling. Nihilist must be late. Took a little too long to serruptitiously siphon gas from the neighbor's car.

1:10 - Top Chef debuts Wednesday. If you were only listening to Chad blather about it, you never would have known that. Luckily, you have me.

1:11 - Project Runway is gay.

1:13 - More stalling. Yawwwwwn. I think I'll liveblog the Gopher's-Illinois game.

1:13 - Illinois 33, Gophers 29 - early 2nd half.

1:15 - Commercial. "I'm Andy Willoughby! How the fuck are you anyway?!"

1:20 - Production errors abound. Nihilist must be working behind the glass.

1:21 - "NARN Idol"? Everybody vote Chad out. Please.

1:22 - OMG!!!!!! Paul's had a stroke!!!! I hope he's OK.

1:23 - Never mind. That's how his voice always sounds.

1:23 - I had Chad pegged as more of the Paula Abdul sort.

1:24 - Ha ha! A shout out! No guys, since I can't be in the studio today, I'm taking a supplementary role. Just adding value; not trying to be a substitute.

1:26 - And we have Nihilist's first Ayn Rand reference at... 1:26. Mark!

1:27 - Springsteen sucks! Maiden 4ever!

1:28 - NIHILIST FACT CHECK! Geldof praised Bush for helping fight AIDS in Africa - not hunger as Paul asserts.

1:33 - Obama girl bumper music. gag. Play some MAIDEN!!!1111!!11

1:35 - Is Sisyphus liveblogging my liveblog yet?

1:37 - I smell a future Lori Sturdevant multifisk this week...

1:40 - The mayor sends his props in the comment thread: "This is a riot! Go LF go!"

1:41 - Just a reminder: this liveblog will be more meaningful less meaningless if you listen to the stream here (or on the radio) while reading.

1:42 - First Nihilist P-Diddy reference at 1:42...MARK!

1:43 - Why yes, I am sick of spam and viruses on my computer. Don't mind the racy banner ads so much...

1:46 - FOO FIGHTERS!

1:47 - Shout out #2! (NOTE: I think Pinkmonkeybird liveblogged a NARN broadcast once. Now there's a guy who doesn't have a life.)

1:48 - Maybe NARN should give this Downey guy a shot at replacing Ed.

1:49 - CLOSED CIRCUIT TO MITCH & NIHILIST: Don't forget to plug the MilF.

1:50 - SOMEONE ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!

1:51 - Hah! That "wazzzup" thing was kinda funny.

1:52 - Inver Grove Bites is a dump.

1:53 - Apparently Sisyphus has been liveblogging this liveblog. I have arrived.

1:56 - Do you think that if the Nihilist bumped into Lileks in the studio, there would a violent explosion like when matter collides with anti-matter. Perhaps Sisyphus the Physicist could shed some light on this.

1:58 - This hour - and this liveblog - is over!

Friday, March 07, 2008

Fly On Your Wings Like an Eagle - Fly, Touch the Sun

Tomorrow on the Northern Alliance Radio Network:

Volume I “The First Team” - Chad, John and Brian will quote extensively from the Wall Street Journal from 11 to 1.

Volume II “The 2-Hour Dio Hour” - I will be off on assignment with Moonchild. However, Mitch and The Nihilist in Golf Pants will talk about the week that’s been, and The Nihilist will introduce his new weekly segment "List of Bastards I F***ing Hate." We do the 1-3 shift - AKA “the most important shift in local radio”.

Volume III, “The Final Word” - Bananaman and Michael will talk about what a brilliant addition the Nihilist's "F$#%&ing Bastards" segment is to the show. They’re on from 3-5.

So tune in to all six hours of the Northern Alliance Radio Network - the Twin Cities’ media’s sole guardians of sanity - while I teach moonchild how to mix Manhattans. On the air at AM1280 in the Metro, or streaming at AM1280’s Website, or via podcast at Townhall.

(Along with the Stroms, from 9-11, natch).

Moron Mail

Just shut up, you mirthless hamsters:

Theatrical productions in bars?! Give me a break! The recent effort by some bar owners is further proof that they really don't care about the health of their customers -- only about their bottom lines.

JAIME BONERTINEZ, ST. ANTHONY VILLAGE

An insufferable nanny statist writing into the Strib?! Give me a break! The recent letter by some moron is further proof that he really doesn't care about screwing up the livelihoods of others -- only about imposing his own preferences on someone else's property.

LEARNEDBONER, APPLE VALLEY


Friday Bacon Post

* Homer's Rapture: the Bacon Egg and Donut Burger. Defibrillator sold separately.



Thursday, March 06, 2008

Moron Mail Sound Engineer

An obscure PGA pro shoots a birdie:

PGA Tour golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show
Isenhour was with a film crew for "Shoot Like A Pro" on Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course. The 39-year-old golfer, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, was charged Monday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird.

According to court documents, Isenhour got upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing another take. He began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up.
Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report.

Isenhour allegedly said "I'll get him now," and aimed for the hawk.

"About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close," Baine wrote.

A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils
.

Now, you'd think that a guy who's on the crew of a golf show might know something about, er, golf (bonus - his name is "Jethro"):

"He just kept saying how he didn't think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say," said Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot. "He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that's, I don't know, a couple hundred feet away?"

Oh, really?

What club does he use to"put the ball in the hole from hundreds of yards away"? A 14-iron?

Needless to say, we've gotta book this guy for the MilF.

Primary Coloreds

[Scene: The most opulent conference room at KAR World Headquarters. All KARnies - LearnedFoot (LF), BILL, Dementee (DEM), The Head of Alfredo Garcia (HOAG), Iron Matron (IM), The Analog Kid (ANAL KID) and Xerxes (RYAN) - are gathered.]

LF: Okay everybody. Let's get started. Bill, you have the floor.

BILL: Thank you. As you know, the MOB mayoral election is only seven months away, and we have yet to endorse KAR's nominee. Nobody leaves this room until we have selected a nominee. Now does anyone wish to volunteer or nominate someone?

HOAG: I'm from North Dakota! The MOB has never had a North Dakotan mayor who is impervious to cold before!

[Everybody rolls eyes. HOAG goes back to sleep]

LF: Well, I think what he MOB needs is a Dago to lead it. I mean - hellooooo - it is the "MOB" right?

DEM: ME NOT SURE DEMENTEE AGREE WITH THAT!!!!!!!

ANAL KID: Yeah - all three MOB mayors have been straight white men. I think we need to offer something different.

LF: You mean, like a - er...?

ANAL KID: Gay? Yes.

LF: A pie-baking nancy?

ANAL KID: So you're nominating Bill then?

BILL: HEY! I'm not gay!

RYAN: [sarcastically] Sure you're not *coff*gayboy*coff*!

BILL: Oh, right - say the ass-obsessed ThunderJournalist and the guy nicknamed "Anal Kid"!

[An impressive slappy fight ensues. DEMENTEE jumps into the fray and breaks up the scrum.]

DEM: ENOUGH!!!!!!

LF: OK, OK - Bill's not gay as far as we know. Do we have any other Differently-Identified Americans that we can nominate?

IM: I hereby throw my bra into the ring - for I am strong! I am invincible! I am woman!

DEM: EXCELLENT!!! WE HAVE BONA FIDE VICTIM MINORITY!!!!! ME THINK THIS ELECTION ALREADY IN BAG!!!!!

RYAN: Not so fast there my moonbat-snarfing friend. Wasn't Mayor Applikowski a woman? That's not change! Change is me - bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Surely there is no more insular minority than me. Plus, I bring hope -

LF: Dude, bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy-Americans are not protected minorities!

RYAN: But I have the audacity to bring change through hope! Hope for change with Ryan, the bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Anybody that doesn't vote for that is just a hater - a hater of hope and change, and the changes that hope brings. Hope change fart poop fart.

BILL: Nah - still not identity-based enough.

LF: Are you sure you're not will to maybe pretend that you're gay, Bill?

BILL: NO!

ANAL KID: What about Dementee? Furry blue rage-addled cannibals have been terribly underrepresented in politics.

DEM: ME NOT SO SURE!!!!!!!! THE FURRY BLUE RAGE-ADDLED COMMUNITY NOT THAT BIG!!!!!! ME NOT SEEING IT TRANSLATING INTO VOTES!!!!!!!!

LF: Let's take stock of where we're at right now. So far, we have the woman, the cannibal, the Sexually Different exhibitionist martial artist and the faux gay guy.

BILL: I'm not gay!

LF: No I was talking about the other guy, you know...him? [pointing]

ANAL KID: Me? Why? Because you shortened my name to read "Anal Kid"?

LF: Yeah. What? You're not gay? Or acting gay?

ANAL KID: No!

LF: And what was your name again?

ANAL KID: !!!!!!!!!!! [Storms out of meeting]

IM: If I wasn't running myself, I'd vote for the ass guy, though if the Wop does run I may step aside and vote for him.

LF: There's a Wop running?

IM: Yeah, I think so.

LF: Who is it?

IM: Er, I think that it's you.

LF: Oh right.

LF: ...

LF: And you are?

IM: The woman.

LF: Ah yes. And I am...?

IM: The Wop; the Ginney.

LF: And my name is?

IM: I, uh, don't remember.

BILL: Well this is going nowhere.

RYAN: Hey, the gay guy's back! Let's nominate him! It would be historic!

BILL: I'M! NOT! GAY!

IM: No, Ryan, I think it was the other gay guy who left. Wasn't it Wop?

LF: Yeah, I think so. Why don't we just nominate Woman?

IM: Hey - I have a name, you know!

LF: What is it again?

IM: I don't remember.

[Awkward silence]

DEM: Let's nominate Woman!

LF: Wait! We need to take a vote! Everybody who wants to vote for the Wop, raise their hands...

[Nobody raises hands]

BILL: [Whispering to LF] Psst - that's you!

LF: Oh yeah! [Raises hand] All those voting for the Internet Pervert?

[RYAN farts]

LF: And the cannibal?

[Dementee doesn't vote, but instead eats the conference table]

LF: What about the faux gay dude?

BILL: I'm not gay!

LF: No, not you. The other faux gay guy. Whatzizface.

[Bill looks down, toes the ground uneasily and raises his hand.]

LF: And finally, who wants a woman in charge?

[IRON MATRON raises both of her hands]

LF: Woman wins the nomination with two votes!

IM: Yessssss!

LF: Congratulations, Woman Candidate! Let the mayoral campaign commence!

RYAN: I hope to change my underwear now!

BILL: Wow. I know we've never done this before, yet this whole process all feels vaguely familiar.

[All exit except for HOAG, who wakes upon the slamming of the door.]

HOAG: Hmmm. I guess this nominating process is over! (Who were those people anyway?)

[Exit]