Monday, March 31, 2008
John Wayne Gacy was convicted of the rape and murder of over 30 boys in the Chicago area.
He was also a precinct captain with the local Democratic Party.
My question is: where does local Democrat rent-a-blogger Joe Bodell stand on this. We on the right side of the aisle have been called to task by our less horribly psychotic colleagues on the left when one of our number kills a lot of people or paints pictures of clowns (though, thankfully, our legions have been fairly free of child rapists); what's good for goose is good for the gander.
I guess Bodell would rather play cute guilt-by-(very loose)-association cheap-shot tricks than address the Democratic Party's problem with child-raping serial killers:
That's one local conservative blogger who would rather call me names than address the issue of Tracy Eberly's racist and altogether horrible post from Friday.
Thanks Learned Foot. I guess we know where you stand.
Thanks Joe. I guess we know were you stand (on the side of those totally cool with child raping mass murderers).
Or you're just very very dim.
WELCOME CUCKING STOOL
Apparently according to some cake-eating dog from Edina, I am someone's "ilk". His conclusion is based on nothing more than the fact that I run a conservative blog, and that I don't brook cheap shots and rhetorical games from drooling morons like, well, his ilk. He does not base this on anything I may have written.
Why it sounds like this mutt is a major ignoramous Foot.
That's a perfect way of putting it, grasshopper.
I challenge it to dig through our archives to support his thesis. I think the dipshit might be surprised by what it finds.
I wouldn't hold my breath Foot.
I'm not. These people tend to maintain their self esteem by remaining willfully ignorant.
After briefly considering both the Stableford and Chicago Point systems of scoring and rejecting them, the Committee felt that the fairest and least intellectually challenging scoring method for this year's tournament would be the Bodell-Bremer Method.
Fortunately, the Bodell-Bremmer so simple even a moron could do it. Here's how it works:
1. Score your and your partner's game as you would in any other medal-type play (that means counting the penalty strokes, Nihilist!)
2. At the end of the round, tally your and your partner's scores. Hand in your score card to the Committee Chair.
3. The lowest team score wins.
HOWEVER, here is the new twist:
4. Since all the other teams are participating in the same tournament, they obviously should be treated the same way; therefore...
5. If any single team wins the tournament, ALL TEAMS WIN! Even the teams that totally sucked.
6. And anybody who doesn't golf, but does attend the PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony, by virtue of their association with those who did golf, ALSO WIN!
We are in the process of procuring a bigger trophy so we can fit all the names of the winners on it.
The Competition Committee has voted unanimously to drop the Bodell-Bremmer Scoring Method because it was found to be moronic.
And, in other news, Joe Bodell still hasn't repudiated the heinous acts of his fellow Democrat activist John Wayne Gacy.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Yay. Woo hoo. How exciting.
In the March 26 Blog House, Tim O'Brien decided to run a partisan attack from a DFL blogger against Rep. Michele Bachmann. O'Brien decided to note their off-topic attacks and even used the phrase 'dim bulb' as a lead in.
Well, if anybody would know dimbulbs, it would be O'Bonermort. He spends an awful lot of time on the MNPooplius and Blobletta.
My blog, residualforces.com, also addressed the subject, but mine was in support of Bachmann and her plan to save the light bulb, so it was ignored.
Curious. Read my blog. READ MY BLOG!
I wrote, "In an attemt to reverse teh
NOTE: The previous paragraph has been restored from the edited LTE version to the raw, original and unedited text which we are certain actually appeared on the author's blog.
Maybe my comments just didn't fit the anti-Bachmann agenda.
Liberals always seem to demand choice, so long as they get to control the options. (You can also find some more fabulous factual coverage at truthvmachine.com.)
READ THEIR BLOG!
So for those of you who read O'Brien's column,
Hello? Anyone? Buhler?
please keep in mind that what Bachmann is trying to do is allow you to choose the light bulb you want -- it has nothing to do with bedrooms.
But I have light bulbs in my bedroom!
ANDY APLIKOWSKIBONER, BLAINE
Cut and paste away, Eva!
Ha ha! I appreciate Andy providing me the opportunity to mock his spelling and keyboarding skills again. It's been a while.
And of course, we endorse Andy's view and the non moronic way in which he put it. Yet, this post is still entitled "Moron Mail". So I guess we'd better highlight a moron.
(scrolls down 1/8th of an inch)
I would like to thank Rep. Bachmann for bravely taking this initiative with the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act, citing our nation's embrace of energy efficiency as one "of science over fads and fashions."
THIS IS A CONTEXT ABUSE ALERT --- CONTEXT OF QUOTE TO FOLLOW --- DISINGENUOUS LEFTIES TURN AWAY FROM YOUR MONITORS NOW
"This is an issue of science over fads and fashions," Bachmann said in an interview Tuesday.
"Congress tends to jump on whatever the current buzz is in the 24-hour news cycle, " Bachmann said.
And further context:
Her bill, the first challenge of its kind, raises safety questions about the small amounts of mercury in fluorescent lights. It also lands her squarely in the middle of the debate over global warming. In recent remarks to a gathering of Sherburne County Republicans -- reported in the West Sherburne Tribune -- Bachmann called any human connection to global warming "voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."
According to our Moron Mailer, "This" was a pronoun for "our nations embrace of energy efficiency." In the real world, where - because of the internet, intelligence isn't as easily insulted - what Bachmann really meant was "This" to be a pronoun for "Anthropogenic Global Warming™ hysterics.
This is truly an important and monumental step in preserving the integrity of our free market.
Oh just shut the hell up.
I was hoping that after this bill triumphantly passes through legislation,
Or the legislation passes through? Seriously, do you even have a clue?
Rep. Bachmann might be able to help undo another fad that has worn thin: the inability for me to use lead paint.
Sure, it may have poisoned a child here and there, but why should we as consumers continue to suffer this other "massive Big Brother intrusion into our homes and our lives" as a result?
Er, because the alternative was actually provably less dangerous and equally effective?
And because the dangers of lead paint were not illusory, fictional or, at best, overblown?
JUSTIN JAGOFF, MINNEAPOLIS
MC: Know what, daddy?
MC: I got a penis!
LF: I know.
MC: Do you have a penis?
LF: Why yes, yes I do.
MC: We both got penises.
LF: That's right. Give me a bump!
[MC gives LF a fist bump]
MC: We got penises because we're guys.
LF: You are a very smart boy.
MC: Mommy and [The B] don't got penises.
MC: Cuz they're girls.
MC: Girls don't have penises.
LF: Yes, we've already mentioned that.
MC: Guys have penises. And butts!
[The conversation pauses here for five minutes while LF breaks down in crippling, abdomen crushing hysterical laughter.]
LF: [composing self] Girls have butts too.
MC: Yeah, I guess. But not penises.
LF: And that's what's really important.
MC: Can I eat steak now?
Ryan and I are currently in a bidding war to get Moonchild to write for our respective ThunderJournals.
There's a theory that everything is better with bacon. We believe that theory with all of our heart. To that end, we are introducing our line of bacon formal wear with Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. You can get married in bacon, get confirmed in bacon or go to the Oscars in bacon! Wait until Joan Rivers gets a whiff of you. Each Tuxedo is tailored from chemically treated latex print fabric in one of four different sizes. Best of all, it smells just like bacon sizzling in the pan.
Bacon: Dressed to smell as he leads our country into delicious change.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Well, not the internet itself, per se. Just the political end of it.
Well, not so much the political blogs, per se. It's really just the human detritus that inhabit the comment threads.
I have mentioned before, that there is no such thing as intelligent discussion on the internet. And don't even bother looking for debate. There is none. At lest none that could be considered of any value. No, what you do get in spades is a whole bunch of self righteous assnozzles that would prefer to lecture, hector or harass you to fill whatever self esteem deficit they happen to suffer from at the time. While it can be, and has been, entertaining, it's grown tiresome reading the mini manifestos of fools and social retards who vastly overestimate their intellectual game while underestimating the amount of shit people with actual lives give about their ill-considered and usually irrelevant opinions.
Yeah, yeah I know: NEWSFLASH -- Poop blogger discovers that there are assholes on the internet. In other news, Pope to announce he's still Catholic. Well, yesterday, Flash posted a blurb that, as usual, brimmed with the intellectual honesty he's become known for lately. It led to an exchange that was pretty much the last straw for me and internet discussions:
A Right Wing plant (OK, I don't know that for sure) tried to stump the former first daughter by playing the Monica Lewinsky card:
[Blockquote]Campaigning at Butler College in Indianapolis, an audience member asked the 28 year-old whether the Monica Lewinsky scandal had damaged her mother's reputation."Wow, you're the first person actually that's ever asked me that question in the, I don't know maybe, 70 college campuses I've now been to, and I do not think that is any of your business," Clinton responded, appearing a bit surprised by the question. The crowd immediately cheered loudly at the response.[End Blockquote]
I'm really curious who asked that question. If I find out I'll update this post. If you find out, that's what the comments are for.,
Having just read the same story from a different source (a local CBS affiliate), I pasted the relevant section into the comment thread with the link and - this is important - without any further comment:
"'I'm a supporter of Hillary. I love Hillary," Strange [the guy who asked the question] said Wednesday on CBS' "The Early Show." He said he asked the question because his friends "always bring up that scandal. It's not something I asked to cause trouble but to show those people what makes Hillary so strong. It was basically a chance for Chelsea to show all the doubters how strong Hillary is."
That was it. Other than the explanatory parenthetical, I typed nothing. Here was what one of Flash's more diseased commenters (and that is saying something) replied to my comment:
My take on Chelsea and the media was that they were showing HER at least as being pretty quick on her feet, and having the aplomb to deal with impertinent folks tactfully and gracefully, but firmly. I didn't see this as any sort of 'embarassing' moment for her - not at all.
That said, I think, without question, there are FAR larger issues. It's too bad folks like Foot (for example) found focusing on Lewisnski to be of such worth and merit for several years while much larger problems loomed, and equally curious that whilst Clinton was President, and we were in Bosnia, that he (among others) was entirely willing to endeavor to seditiously strip Clinton of the ability to effectively govern. Which, ironically, was the ultimate goal of the right, not any worry about sexual impropriety - I mean, if it were, they'd have been all over Gingrich, or Guiliani, or a host of others - then and since. No instead, in the guise of manifest 'integrity' expectations, they assailed Clinton, saying 'not my President not my war' about Bosnia, but any questions of the same nature of Bush, now that we're in Iraq, are not just seditious, but treasonous, and of course the questions are of a far more serious level (i.e. the cronyism and corrosive politicization of policy and public service organs).
So Foot, how do you feel about the duplicity of getting after Clinton on Lewinski, while condemning the Democrats for asking questions of the President around the veracity of intelligence, around the coverup of the BS cherry-picking of intelligence? I mean, in the end, which exactly is the more meaningful pursuit? Which represents a reasonable question of a President during wartime, who his bedfellow is, or whether he's decieving the entire nation into a war that is unneeded? Which is a more reasonable approach, throwing your hands up in the air and abandoning support of say, Bosnia, because you don't like the particular reason (stopping genocide) and don't see a strategic (aka OIL) interest, or throwing your hands up that we stuck our nose into a Civil War for no good reason, other than for Oil?
You can't even exchange just bare data - information, fact - with some of these people without drawing from them an extended lecture based on assumptions and stereotypes that they and all their like-minded friends spend what seems to be every waking hour grinding into their own heads.
After explaining to this jerk that he needed help, he treated me to this nuanced and deeply intellectual response, which sums up very nicely why political discussion on the internet is a barren wasteland populated mostly with pseudo-intellectual losers who should at best be avoided, and at worst mocked mercilessly (emphasis mine):
Foot, you're yet another right-wing blogging toady.. sorry I didn't care to follow your link to whatever it said. So often what you, and those like you, post is such garbage, I didn't see mcuh point.
I linked to a news story on the website of a local CBS affiliate. Something I take to mean that this person and - to use his inept logical devices - EVERY SINGLE OTHER DROOLING DOUCHEBAG LEFTIST COCKSUCKER TO THE LEFT OF NEWT GINGRICH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FACTS EITHER.
Whew. That felt nice. Vacant, but nice.
Frankly, other than past conduct by people like you, I guess there's absolutely nothing out there to point to regarding the continuation of this BS issue. Oh, and things like planting Jeff Guckert in press conferences.. and..on and on.
Yes, people like me. People who posted a link to a story that didn't fit his template. People like me, whom he doesn't know from Adam, and who never will since he refuses to read my "garbage." At this point, you really have to begin to wonder how - or if - this guy AND ALL LEFTY TOADIES JUST LIKE HIM are able to function in society.
The world is filled with approximately 6 billion people who all think that they are objective and have a corner on the truth, while The Others are drooling troglodytes unable to overcome their own biases. Those of us who possess sufficient intellectual firepower realize this and take it into account; though admittedly we do fail from time to time. And those who don't...
Well, your comments are always welcome in the hive.
What should be clear from this story that I impart to you today is that people like "leftout" want only to lecture, harangue or harass. They do not want debate, for real debate should end in illumination, if not persuasion. And illumination is like kryptonite to these people.
I, for one give up. From now on, on the rare occasion I do venture into some discussion thread (WARNING: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY) and encounter some assnozzle like "leftout" here, I will no longer engage them. Instead, in response to their loaded, goading self-righteous interrogations I shall merely respond by:
a) Calling them a racist, misogynist, homophobe etc.
b) Rickrolling them; or
c) In extreme cases, maybe a link to some scat porn.
Get a life, losers.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Iron Matron adds:
I was working the treadmill at Brap Fitness this afternoon, and to my surprise in front of me was Molly working out right next to Ryan! When Ryan realized who he was "beating cheeks" next to, he asked her, "Hey: aren't you the mynx who wrote that MN Mon piece about McCain's teeth?" Molly demurely replied, "HellOOO, who else would contribute such award-winning Soros-journalism? Ha hahahaha. Like, yeah. It was totally me. I can totally sniff out a scoop anywhere." To which Ryan replied, "Cool! Hey, I've got a scoop on a dirty mushroom story for you. Check it out!"
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
January, 2005: Molly Priesmeyer writing about TV coverage from Indonesia:
"Not to be snarky, but don't those people know about washing machines and hair dryers? Everyone's like, totally, wet and muddy. HellOO, care to get some of the mud off? Doyy".
Summer, 1994: Molly Priesmeyer writing about Rwanda:
"Like, I totally know that "armism" and "headism" are totally western imperialist constructs designed by dead white males, but hellOO, could you wash the blood or like, whatever off at least?"
Thursday, April 22, 1993: Molly Priesmeyer at the dedication of the US Holocaust Museum:
In the summer of 2004, covering the murder of four Blackwater contractors in Fallujah:
"There were lots of grody displays and stuff, but I kept getting all distracted by those guys in the tacky beards - like, mullets on the fronts of your face, hellOO?, and those beanie caps. "Yarmulke" is such a funny word. I laughed"
Like, hellOOO? Don't you people know "Meat is Murder?"And finally, in March of 2008, writing in response to Jeff Fecke:
Like, HellOOO, I am not a racist or a sexist nor an ass-kisser. Totally.I'm still looking.
The rearrest of Sara Jane Olson should alarm us all.
And yet, it didn't. In fact, my reaction was
So what's new? Here's a summary:
Perennial MilFer Night Writer makes the list, as does Speed Gibson. I would have put these guys on sooner, but I feared that updating the blogroll too frequently might ruin the ROF's mystique.
Even though he updates once a year, Surly Dave gets the nod. It would be a travesty to leave the Master of Sausages off the list.
I culled out a lot of the "dingleberry" blogs; that is, blogs that are either dead or seldom updated, but keep on hangin' on in the ROF because of my neglect. So Captain's Quarters, The Attic and a host of others have been shown the door.
Finally, I have removed Centrisity from the blogroll until such time that Flash stops being a bellicose kool aid-besotted blabbering idiot. It's really been sad to see this once OK blogger lose all perspective.
However, there is a silver lining. Centrisity's departure opens up the coveted Token Liberal Slot on the ROF. And since I'm feeling generous, I'm going to add another. (Is it still a "token" if there's two?)
Anyhoo, Discordian Stooge gets the first nod. He's a militant atheist and a degenerate Vikings fan who's frequently blasphemous. However, he's also one of the few lefties with a blog who's often intentionally funny.
The other slot goes to Power Liberal, the other leftyblogger who can be intentionally funny. Plus she's got a cute baby girl and a camera with a big memory card.
I'm a sucker for baby pics.
(Cute babies. Don't start sending me pictures of that Predator's Spawn that you call your grandbaby in hopes of getting on the most exclusive blogroll in Minnesota. It won't happen.)
Monday, March 24, 2008
So instead, enjoy this slightly less sweet video.
In fact, just today, the New York Times hailed that video as "a rapidly spreading phenomenon with roots in [the under-30 set's] favorite medium — the Internet."
Hey - I enjoy the internet medium too!
Unfortunately, many folks haven't yet achieved the intellectual level necessary to conduct such a conversation (and yes, he actually wrote that).
So we'll continue to wait.
Friday, March 21, 2008
So go there, register, and tell em in the comment thread that KAR is the greatest poli-blog in Minnesota - nay - America.
All of you.
Sorry, I seem unable to articulate that word in this context. Let's call them "contributors".
So, with a new Premier and a host of new contributors, I think the time is ripe for the good employees over at the Monitor to organize.
I mean, here you have this supposedly "progressive" "news" "outlet" totally exploiting the labor of its contributors for a measly $1,500 per month
So, having a background in Labor Law (I got in "A" in the course in law school), and being a fellow local ThunderJournalist and a former union member myself, I decided that I was in the perfect position to free the Glorious Workers of the Minnesota Monitor from their shackles of servitude.
First, I contacted the IBEW (they're always looking for new dues, er, I mean members), and told them to get one of their best "salters" ready. Then I contacted one of the more feisty new exploited MinneMoni contributors, one Molly Priesmeyer, via email:
Dear Ms. Priesmeyer,
My name is LearnedFoot, and I am contacting you to inform you of your right to organize with your fellow workers into a bargaining unit. Our records show that you and your fellow workers are
Given the flexible perceptions of truth, and penchant for making shit up to cast the objects of your scorn in the worst possible light I see portrayed daily in your scribblings, I fear that there may be few alternatives for you to earn a fair wage and garner decent benefits in our current job market. I think Union representation is right for you and your colleagues and consistent with your world view.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
I received the following reply from Ms. Priesmeyer, which - even though I'm totally making it up - is what I believe an accurate reflection of what she would be thinking:
Dear Mr. Foot,
You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.
Kisses and Licks,
Since this was the opposite of the reaction I wanted, I immediately flagged her email address as spam. Unfortunately, she must have forwarded my communique' on to her boss, who also wrote me:
Dear Mr. Foot,
You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.
Kisses and Licks,
And thus, I have sworn off defending the working man (and woman) for the rest of my life.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
If we're not already in a recession, I'm fairly certain that the utter lack of productivity caused by this should be enough to push us into the abyss. Fortunately for me and my employer, I am
Between now and April 7, all strident, smug and soccer fanatic-like hockey comments will be altered to reflect what I think the author meant.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Today's item was sent in by my Northern Alliance colleague, the Nihilist in Golf Pants:
A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.
The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.
What would one do with a new anus, anyway? Take a second job as a pencil cup? Cleveland Steamers for two?
And doesn't everybody just love that new anus smell?!
[Laughing to hard at the moment to continue posting. Please talk amongst yourselves.]
Bribes -- more commonly known as signing bonuses -- are "one of the main reasons why the Army has been able to meet its recruiting goals in spite of the ongoingspecter of serving in Iraq," Massing writes. (Emphasis mine)
I wonder how much money all those Tic front groups used to bribe Perry to write that?
(Long time followers of KAR may remember Steve Perry as the nutslap who dinged Katherine Kerstin for writing at a 6th-grade reading level...in a post written at a 5th-grade reading level.)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A man got into the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management office in downtown St. Paul Friday and defecated in several rooms, police said today.
The incident happened about 1:30 p.m. in a basement office area of 444 Cedar St., according to a police report. The man went in through an emergency exit door that hadn't been secured properly, said Tom Walsh, St. Paul police spokesman.
A contractor working for building management walked out and didn't properly secure the door behind him, said Susan Lasley, Minnesota Department of Public Safety spokeswoman.
Based on the suspect's description, he appeared to be homeless, Walsh said.
That pretty much matches the description of most hippie anti-war protesters in the area... Wait a minute: That was the day before the anti-war protest in Minneapolis. I'm sure they took stool samples.
The man had left on foot before an officer arrived, the police report said.
??!!! What did he leave on you, Foot?
Norm Coleman is once again confusing words with actions.
On CNN last week, Sen. Coleman was asked how he differs from President Bush on how we should reverse the Republican Recession.
We have all become stupider for having read that. I don't think Andy even knows what a recession is, much less what causes them to occur every 7 to 12 years.
Oh, sure, I could play Mr. Bonarr's game by retorting to this latest in a long list of obvious Tic stylistic devices meant to deceive with something like:
Last I checked, we didn't have a recession until the Dems took over Congress! HA! I TOTALLY PWN3D YOU!!!!!!
Why is Bonarr writing a letter now about something Coleman said last week? Either he doesn't know how to use email or he just saw the latest Senate race poll results.
And indeed I'm sure we can think of 100 more takedowns of this fairly typical Political Hack-speak. But, I think that such a moronic attack sallied by a lightweight, deserves an equally moronic and lightweight retort.
Therefore, I will not be reproducing the remainder of Bonarr's vacuous letter. I shall instead use the remaining space in this post to google-bomb Al Franken's campaign website with our new favorite term, "Cleveland Steamer." I encourage others to do the same.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer. Cleveland Steamer.
In a stunning revelation, both Paterson, 53, and his wife, Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview they each had intimate relationships with others during a rocky period in their marriage several years ago.
In the course of several interviews in the past few days, Paterson said he maintained a relationship for two or three years with "a woman other than my wife," beginning in 1999.
The good news: he's fessed up, owned up and patched up with his wife.
The bad news: you are subjected to more pr0n slang at KAR.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Your basketball referees are out of control. Whatever thrills there were to be derived from some of the dramatic spectacles of this past weekend's games were completely and utterly diluted by imperialistic and buffoonish officials insinuating themselves into seemingly every play to make some absurd call.
This needs to stop.
During one conference tournament semifinal game, the refs called multiple fouls in which the infraction was little more than the defender inadvertently brushing the ball handler with his package. Now, I fully understand that men brushing other men in public with their packages is socially unacceptable outside, say, Steve Perry's Minnesota Monitor "news"room, I hardly think it rises to the level of a foul. Making matters worse, in this same game, a member of the same team that was victimized by these petty package-brushing fouls, got elbowed hard in the face by a member of the other team, knocking him to the ground and temporarily taking that player out of the play. No foul was called.
In another conference championship semifinal game (different conference), with the game still close and about 10 seconds left to play, the trailing team put up a shot that missed. A member of the leading team snared the rebound, but failed to land on his feet. To repeat the rule that I'm not sure the refs are aware of, if a player in possession of the rock falls down without maintaining a dribble, it's traveling and the ball is turned over. Or else the ref could have called a foul from the contact that went on during the scrum under the rim that led up to the rebound. This is what typically has happened in similar situations in thousands of past basketball games. Oh, but not here. Here is what happened:
1) After blowing the play dead, the ref made no call.
2) He then proceeds to hold a 5-minute-long conference at the scorer's table.
3) After this conference, the ref winds 5 valuable seconds off the clock for no discernible reason, and then presents the ball to the team whose player had just fallen down (traveled) without calling a foul or even making up some new rule.
I could not believe my eyes when I saw this, so I called noted basketball expert Noted Marquette (Kentucky is Our Bitch) Alumnus Denbo to get his take. Denbo's take was something along the lines of "WTF????" confirming my diagnosis of insipidly rancid refereeing.
I could go on with all of the ridiculous calls I witnessed this weekend, but time is short. And I'm more of a solutions oriented kind of guy. So here are my recommendations on how the NCAA can remove the suck that's so recently permeated its officiating:
1) KILL THE THIRD REF. Any improvement to the officiating has got to begin here. When you have 33% more refs on the floor, you have 33% more eyes that can see 33% more of the action. Which, if my math and experience are correct, can lead to approximately 4,598% more bad calls. You need one ref to watch the ball and one to watch the action away from the ball. That's it.
2) THE PAINT IS FOR MEN. And it thus follows that any manly activity occurring in the paint ought to be tolerated. All reasonable pushing, shoving, elbowing, foot stomping and body banging should be expected, not punished. Hacking a guy on the arm while he's shooting is a foul. Landing on him after going for the board is not.
3) ACCIDENTALLY BRUSHING ONE'S PACKAGE AGAINST THE BALL HANDLER WHILE PLAYING OTHERWISE CLEAN DEFENSE IS NOT A FOUL. I covered this one pretty well above already.
4) PUT A MUZZLE ON BILLY PACKER. This really doesn't have anything to do with officiating, but as long as we're reforming we might as well implement a change that everybody wants to see.
5) MAKE-UP CALLS SHOULD BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. We all understand that refs are human and will make mistakes. We'll boo you and forget about it if you go forth and sin no more. A make-up call is nothing more than a mistake on purpose, which is the most avoidable kind of mistake. Any ref caught doing this should never officiate a game above the CYO level ever again.
6) THE DOUBLE BONUS SHOULD KICK IN AT NO LESS THAN 14 FOULS: Though, if the NCAA gets its act together, this might not be necessary. The double bonus was put in place to penalize a trailing team a little more for fouling to stop the clock. However, we often see teams shooting the double bonus by the 10-minute mark of the half. Which means what is really being punished in these circumstances is aggressive play. This is unacceptable and needs to stop.
7) IF THE DEFENDER'S FEET ARE MOVING AND HE'S NOT PUSHED, IT'S NOT CHARGING. Period.
I'm sure I'll think of more later.
Sounds delicious. I wonder what that is...
OH GOD NO!!
MUST! ERASE! FROM! MEMORY!
MUST CLICK OUT OF PAGE! CLICK ANYTHING!
"Cleveland steamer?" That sounds innocuous. I think I'll click that -
Friday, March 14, 2008
BREAKING!11!ELEVEN!! MNPOOPLIUS REPORTING THAT THE DFL HAS 4% MORE ACTIVISTS THAN THE GOP IN THE 3rd DISTRICT!!!!!!
Like I've always said: polls are porn for sad unactualized losers who have a pathological need to be part of the larger herd; regardless of whether that herd is marching right off a cliff.
Off to pee wee soccer practice boys.
"lyrics" dont you forget about me don't don't don't don't you forget about me say la la la la la la al
I believe what you are looking for is the Simple Minds' song counter-intuitively entitled "Don't You Forget About Me." Or Bill Clinton's farewell address.
Guy fucking dog.
Sorry. The guy you're looking for stopped blogging last week.
statistics on whether people prefer red or orange koolaid more
That, my friend, is a question for the ages. Yet I fear that you have left a small hole in your thesis, which is that to wit: there are more flavours of Kool aid beyond red or orange. What you have done here, dear sir is propose a false dichotomy that mustn't go unaddressed. Indeed you must also take into account the other major flavors such as purple, green, yellow, pink and Purplesaurus Rex. I'm glad that you came to me now so that I can enlighten your methodology, and thus prevent a most unfortunate embarrassment later, when you would have otherwise been required to defend your faulty PhD dissertation in front of the good faculty of Dartmouth.
"commerce clause" "broad interpretation"
Ah - a law talkin' question. Well, you've come to the right place.
A broad interpretation of the commerce clause occurs when Ruth Bader Ginsberg (or, until a couple of years ago, Sandra Day O'Connor) interprets the commerce clause.
How to keep anus and butcheeks smelling like Shit?
I find that avoiding toilet paper works best, combined with the forbearance of showering. And don't stop pooping. Don't ever stop pooping.
This - whatever it is - is over!
I scream. You scream. We all scream for bacon.
However, a Google search for "Phoenix Woman + delusional psycho" produces a whopping 5,280 hits.
Which is conclusive proof that while I may suck a little, the consensus seems to be that this Phoenix Woman person goes through tinfoil like Kleenex.
Iron Matron adds:
I did a Google "image search" for Phoenix Woman:
The Head of Alfredo Garcia adds:
This thread sparked my curiosity. Since "number of google searches" equals "progressive reality", I figured I'd see what other facts we could divine.
Like this one. And this one. Or this.
I just love facts!
As long as people are seemingly randomly adding to this post, Xerxes adds:
A Google Image Search--GIS if you're a Farker--for "Dirty Mushroom."
LearnedFoot Jumps Back into the Fray for the Win:
Thursday, March 13, 2008
The original post has been amended accordingly.
Summer is a mere 3 months away, meaning that the annual difinitive rite of Summer, The Annual KARNation Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Charity Classic Presented by Kia Motors, is imminent.
I'm going to run things a little differently this year, so listen up biznitches:
1) Everybody who either played in MilF '07 or attended the 2007 PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony will automatically be on the mailing list this year. Only folks that did not participate in either or both of those events last year, need to contact the tournament chair at:
if they wish to play or party at the PostMilF.
2) Instead of polling everybody as to which date works the best, I'm just going to throw one out there. Yes, mark your calendars (in pencil) and save the following date:
Of course, this date is not firm. If it's a problem for too many people, we'll move it. Tee times should be around the same time, but we may push them back to 1:00 PM pursuant to the Nihilist in Golf Pants' excessive bitching last year.
3) I'm going to try and pull back on the emailings this year, so please post questions, concerns and insults directed at Chad the Elder's weak game to this and future MilF comment threads. However, the tournament Committee will get in touch with everybody on the mailing list within the next couple of weeks to iron out details, take complaints and presumably come up with a new date.
Yes that's a lot of changes, but I am sure they will be welcome. After all, we keep hearing how good change is. Happily, some traditions will return:
a) I presume the Surly Dave will remain our Master of Sausages, as the position is his for life.
2) Chad the Elder will talk a big game only to come up with a lame excuse at the last minute to get out of playing.
D) Something will get blowed up.
(iv) The Jeffie "The Wingnut Slayer" look-alike contest will return.
(&) Andy will tread the Road Not Taken. Every hole.
4^10) Inanimate objects will be molested.
:-) The Head will liveblog
=> Foot's mammoth tee shots will make women swoon and men faint.
[Q] Fabulous cash prizes!
...And much, much more.
All you have to do is get on the list. Email your Open Championship hosts to get put on the mailing list, or use this thread.
MilF 4: Bigger. Badder. Sexier. Spitzer.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Imagine a place where your own people would punish you for doing the right thing.
OK. I'm picturing an S&M dungeon.
Imagine a state that denounces you for having your own opinions.
A "state," being a political fiction and not a sentient person, cannot denounce anything. Ooooo - spank me again with more nonsense!
Imagine a party that fails to support you after years and years of loyalty.
A swinger party?
Oh yeah, that's the Republican Party,
which just punished members of its own caucus for doing the right thing and supporting the override of Gov. Tim Pawlenty's veto of the transportation bill.
Oh oh! Beat me across my thighs and buttocks with more non sequiturs logical fallacies!!
"Doing the right thing" assumes that the tax increase was the right thing to do. Let me out of these cuffs a moment so I can stick something up your anus for a change.
Thank goodness these six members have the courage to have their own thoughts.
OUCH! I guess I deserved that for my smart mouth. Of course Mistress is right: courage merely requires one to have "their own thoughts." Whether or not those own thoughts are moronic or against the platforms they ran and won on is not figured into the calculus.
Spank me some more...
It punishes its elected officials who vote their conscience rather than blindly vote the party line.
How many Tics "voted against the party line, mistress?
I, er, don't like where this is going...
No one likes to pay more taxes, but when potholes widen, roads deteriorate and bridges fall down, someone's got to fix them.
Please stop! Er... Turd!
That someone is us, not our children,
nor our children's children.
ARRRRRRGHHHH!!!!! TURD TURD TURD TURD TURD TUUUUUUUUURD!!!!!!!!
It is us.
You are a bad, mean, naughty moron mistress,
SARAH KYLLBONER, ST. PAUL
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Admittedly, however, we have been awfully heavy on football and baseball postings, while fairly light on others; except for when Sisyphus, Chad or some hoser who googled "hockey sucks" threadjacks a post. So in an effort to cram a wider array of sports into KAR, I offer this thread to my Northern Alliance colleagues Sisyphus and Chad to make up for the lack of hockey discussion at KAR.
Or to make Elliot Spitzer blow job jokes. Whatever.
Sisyphus and Chad only, please.
Vatican City (AHN) - In an attempt to give moral and ethical behavior more significance to current times, the Vatican has recently announced seven new deadly sins, published in an issue of the L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's official newspaper.
The revision of the list comes after 1,500 years, with Vatican officials explaining that the new items address a global "secular" society bent on the concerns in the age of globalization. The sins are said to be an address to the "decreasing sense of sin" in the modern world.
Foot and child recently celebrated a bachelor weekend, thinking, "hey - at least these aren't deadly sins." That would be a FAIL.
Mgr Girotti named the new mortal sins to be
(1)genetic modification; (2) human experimentations, (3) polluting the environment; (4) social injustice; (5) causing poverty; (6) financial gluttony; and (7) taking drugs.
Foot and Moonchild pretty much scored a "full house" on that list. Yikes.
To rescue these sinners from the fiery gates of Hell, I had to get medieval on their heinies and summon Nunzilla.
"Own up to your transgressions, Foot. Repent! Reeeeeeeeeepeeennnnnn... ttt... rree... pp..."
"Shit. Somebody wind me up!"
Monday, March 10, 2008
Us Minneapolitans get gypped - our water is fortified with mere caffeine (yawn). However, Milwaukeans can get them some cotinine - a metabolite of nicotine that may also improve mental function.
Which explains why ThunderJournalists from Milwaukee are smarter than your average blogger. It's something in the water.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Yes, this weekend was another "bachelor weekend" for Moonchild and I, as Mrs. Foot and The B traveled to Chicago to visit friends and family. As is typical when such an occasion arises, things got a little off da hook.
Since the grill is buried under 6 feet of snow, we had to forgo our usual flame broiled meat for dinner. So we went with the next favorite nosh of dudes, pizza:
After dinner, we played a little Guitar Hero. After a stirring 2-song set (Weezer's "My Name is Jonas" followed by an emotional performance of Muse's "Knights of Cydonia"), Moonchild concludes his encore of The Who's "The Seeker" by pretending to smash his guitar:
Parched from our Wii workout, Moonchild offers to shake us up some martinis:
"NO YOU CAN'T HAZ MAH MARTINI!!! NOT YOURS!!!"
We enjoyed Moonchild's delicious martinis whilst playing a game of heads-up poker. Here, we see Moonchild forcing me to go all in on the turn:
Moonchild cleaned me out. Fortunately, I was playing with proceeds from his college fund, so things turned out all square. All in all, it was another great Dudes' Weekend.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
I'll be liveblogging the 1:00 hour of NARN. Blogspot is barfy right now, so this may not fly.
1:05 - It should be illegal for Chad to utter Brett Favre's name.
1:07 - They're stalling. Nihilist must be late. Took a little too long to serruptitiously siphon gas from the neighbor's car.
1:10 - Top Chef debuts Wednesday. If you were only listening to Chad blather about it, you never would have known that. Luckily, you have me.
1:11 - Project Runway is gay.
1:13 - More stalling. Yawwwwwn. I think I'll liveblog the Gopher's-Illinois game.
1:13 - Illinois 33, Gophers 29 - early 2nd half.
1:15 - Commercial. "I'm Andy Willoughby! How the fuck are you anyway?!"
1:20 - Production errors abound. Nihilist must be working behind the glass.
1:21 - "NARN Idol"? Everybody vote Chad out. Please.
1:22 - OMG!!!!!! Paul's had a stroke!!!! I hope he's OK.
1:23 - Never mind. That's how his voice always sounds.
1:23 - I had Chad pegged as more of the Paula Abdul sort.
1:24 - Ha ha! A shout out! No guys, since I can't be in the studio today, I'm taking a supplementary role. Just adding value; not trying to be a substitute.
1:26 - And we have Nihilist's first Ayn Rand reference at... 1:26. Mark!
1:27 - Springsteen sucks! Maiden 4ever!
1:28 - NIHILIST FACT CHECK! Geldof praised Bush for helping fight AIDS in Africa - not hunger as Paul asserts.
1:33 - Obama girl bumper music. gag. Play some MAIDEN!!!1111!!11
1:35 - Is Sisyphus liveblogging my liveblog yet?
1:37 - I smell a future Lori Sturdevant multifisk this week...
1:40 - The mayor sends his props in the comment thread: "This is a riot! Go LF go!"
1:41 - Just a reminder: this liveblog will be
1:42 - First Nihilist P-Diddy reference at 1:42...MARK!
1:43 - Why yes, I am sick of spam and viruses on my computer. Don't mind the racy banner ads so much...
1:46 - FOO FIGHTERS!
1:47 - Shout out #2! (NOTE: I think Pinkmonkeybird liveblogged a NARN broadcast once. Now there's a guy who doesn't have a life.)
1:48 - Maybe NARN should give this Downey guy a shot at replacing Ed.
1:49 - CLOSED CIRCUIT TO MITCH & NIHILIST: Don't forget to plug the MilF.
1:50 - SOMEONE ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!
1:51 - Hah! That "wazzzup" thing was kinda funny.
1:52 - Inver Grove Bites is a dump.
1:53 - Apparently Sisyphus has been liveblogging this liveblog. I have arrived.
1:56 - Do you think that if the Nihilist bumped into Lileks in the studio, there would a violent explosion like when matter collides with anti-matter. Perhaps Sisyphus the Physicist could shed some light on this.
1:58 - This hour - and this liveblog - is over!
Friday, March 07, 2008
Dio Hour” - I will be off on assignment with Moonchild. However, Mitch and The Nihilist in Golf Pants will talk about the week that’s been, and The Nihilist will introduce his new weekly segment "List of Bastards I F***ing Hate." We do the 1-3 shift - AKA “the most important shift in local radio”.
Volume III, “The Final Word” - Bananaman and Michael will talk about what a brilliant addition the Nihilist's "F$#%&ing Bastards" segment is to the show. They’re on from 3-5.
So tune in to all six hours of the Northern Alliance Radio Network - the Twin Cities’ media’s sole guardians of sanity - while I teach moonchild how to mix Manhattans. On the air at AM1280 in the Metro, or streaming at AM1280’s Website, or via podcast at Townhall.
(Along with the Stroms, from 9-11, natch).
Thursday, March 06, 2008
PGA Tour golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show
Isenhour was with a film crew for "Shoot Like A Pro" on Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course. The 39-year-old golfer, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, was charged Monday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird.
According to court documents, Isenhour got upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing another take. He began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up.
Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report.
Isenhour allegedly said "I'll get him now," and aimed for the hawk.
"About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close," Baine wrote.
A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils.
Now, you'd think that a guy who's on the crew of a golf show might know something about, er, golf (bonus - his name is "Jethro"):
"He just kept saying how he didn't think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say," said Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot. "He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that's, I don't know, a couple hundred feet away?"
What club does he use to"put the ball in the hole from hundreds of yards away"? A 14-iron?
Needless to say, we've gotta book this guy for the MilF.
LF: Okay everybody. Let's get started. Bill, you have the floor.
BILL: Thank you. As you know, the MOB mayoral election is only seven months away, and we have yet to endorse KAR's nominee. Nobody leaves this room until we have selected a nominee. Now does anyone wish to volunteer or nominate someone?
HOAG: I'm from North Dakota! The MOB has never had a North Dakotan mayor who is impervious to cold before!
[Everybody rolls eyes. HOAG goes back to sleep]
LF: Well, I think what he MOB needs is a Dago to lead it. I mean - hellooooo - it is the "MOB" right?
DEM: ME NOT SURE DEMENTEE AGREE WITH THAT!!!!!!!
ANAL KID: Yeah - all three MOB mayors have been straight white men. I think we need to offer something different.
LF: You mean, like a - er...?
ANAL KID: Gay? Yes.
LF: A pie-baking nancy?
ANAL KID: So you're nominating Bill then?
BILL: HEY! I'm not gay!
RYAN: [sarcastically] Sure you're not *coff*gayboy*coff*!
BILL: Oh, right - say the ass-obsessed ThunderJournalist and the guy nicknamed "Anal Kid"!
[An impressive slappy fight ensues. DEMENTEE jumps into the fray and breaks up the scrum.]
LF: OK, OK - Bill's not gay as far as we know. Do we have any other Differently-Identified Americans that we can nominate?
IM: I hereby throw my bra into the ring - for I am strong! I am invincible! I am woman!
DEM: EXCELLENT!!! WE HAVE BONA FIDE VICTIM MINORITY!!!!! ME THINK THIS ELECTION ALREADY IN BAG!!!!!
RYAN: Not so fast there my moonbat-snarfing friend. Wasn't Mayor Applikowski a woman? That's not change! Change is me - bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Surely there is no more insular minority than me. Plus, I bring hope -
LF: Dude, bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy-Americans are not protected minorities!
RYAN: But I have the audacity to bring change through hope! Hope for change with Ryan, the bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Anybody that doesn't vote for that is just a hater - a hater of hope and change, and the changes that hope brings. Hope change fart poop fart.
BILL: Nah - still not identity-based enough.
LF: Are you sure you're not will to maybe pretend that you're gay, Bill?
ANAL KID: What about Dementee? Furry blue rage-addled cannibals have been terribly underrepresented in politics.
DEM: ME NOT SO SURE!!!!!!!! THE FURRY BLUE RAGE-ADDLED COMMUNITY NOT THAT BIG!!!!!! ME NOT SEEING IT TRANSLATING INTO VOTES!!!!!!!!
LF: Let's take stock of where we're at right now. So far, we have the woman, the cannibal, the Sexually Different exhibitionist martial artist and the faux gay guy.
BILL: I'm not gay!
LF: No I was talking about the other guy, you know...him? [pointing]
ANAL KID: Me? Why? Because you shortened my name to read "Anal Kid"?
LF: Yeah. What? You're not gay? Or acting gay?
ANAL KID: No!
LF: And what was your name again?
ANAL KID: !!!!!!!!!!! [Storms out of meeting]
IM: If I wasn't running myself, I'd vote for the ass guy, though if the Wop does run I may step aside and vote for him.
LF: There's a Wop running?
IM: Yeah, I think so.
LF: Who is it?
IM: Er, I think that it's you.
LF: Oh right.
LF: And you are?
IM: The woman.
LF: Ah yes. And I am...?
IM: The Wop; the Ginney.
LF: And my name is?
IM: I, uh, don't remember.
BILL: Well this is going nowhere.
RYAN: Hey, the gay guy's back! Let's nominate him! It would be historic!
BILL: I'M! NOT! GAY!
IM: No, Ryan, I think it was the other gay guy who left. Wasn't it Wop?
LF: Yeah, I think so. Why don't we just nominate Woman?
IM: Hey - I have a name, you know!
LF: What is it again?
IM: I don't remember.
DEM: Let's nominate Woman!
LF: Wait! We need to take a vote! Everybody who wants to vote for the Wop, raise their hands...
[Nobody raises hands]
BILL: [Whispering to LF] Psst - that's you!
LF: Oh yeah! [Raises hand] All those voting for the Internet Pervert?
LF: And the cannibal?
[Dementee doesn't vote, but instead eats the conference table]
LF: What about the faux gay dude?
BILL: I'm not gay!
LF: No, not you. The other faux gay guy. Whatzizface.
[Bill looks down, toes the ground uneasily and raises his hand.]
LF: And finally, who wants a woman in charge?
[IRON MATRON raises both of her hands]
LF: Woman wins the nomination with two votes!
LF: Congratulations, Woman Candidate! Let the mayoral campaign commence!
RYAN: I hope to change my underwear now!
BILL: Wow. I know we've never done this before, yet this whole process all feels vaguely familiar.
[All exit except for HOAG, who wakes upon the slamming of the door.]
HOAG: Hmmm. I guess this nominating process is over! (Who were those people anyway?)