Thursday, July 31, 2008

Rhetoric That Needs to Die. Now.

It often gets lost among the snark, satire, parody, golf outing pimping, and anus-related comedy jokes, that the foundation of KAR is the critique and potty-mouthed denunciation of brainless memes that occur in the public discourse. For several weeks now, talking points, repeated slanders and stupid memes have gone unchallenged here. So in an effort to do a little catch-up, I'd like to address some of the stupider things I've seen floating around the public discussion, in no particular order.

"Allowing more offshore (or ANWR or wherever) drilling will do nothing more than put more money in the greedy oil company's coffers."

Accepting this dumb assertion as true (though it most likely is not), I still have one question:

So effing what?

You see, if you are uttering this line, you are probably some leftist letter writer / blogger / candidate for office / politician / local newspaper columnist or activist. As such you do nothing to get me to work or otherwise improve my - or anyone else's - quality of life. On the other hand, oil companies provide me with gasoline. If they get more money, then I am happy for them. And given that I own a few mutual funds whose holdings include oil companies, some of those obscene profits are also helping fund my retirement. And I'm far from alone.

You, on the other hand, are worthless. Not surprising given the vacuity of this particular assertion.

"Brett Favre's going to play for the Vikings."

No. He's not. Repeating it ad nauseum like a petulant little 7 year-old who really REALLY wants to go to Disney World won't make it so either. Stop it. You sound like a bunch of dumbasses. It's not even that much of a taunt. Enjoy your 8 and 8 season.

Calling Barack Obama "Obami".

It isn't funny or clever when Chris Baker does it. It's even less so when you do it, since it carries the added taint of being completely unoriginal. Stop it, before I start referring to you as "Assboy."

Referring to Barack Obama's middle name every time you mention him.

See above. It did elicit a small chuckle at the irony when it was first discovered that Obama's middle name is Hussein, but that time has long since past. Now it just sounds stupid and desperate. No matter how much you may disagree with him philosophically, he had no more control over what his parents named him than his parents did over the prevention of some third-rate thug rising to power in Iraq several years after Obama's birth.

Every time you call him "Barack Hussein Obama" as an attempted slur, God kills a puppy to spare it from the possibility of having a slapnuts like you as an owner. Stop it.

"Norm Coleman should give back all the money Ted Stevens donated to his campaign."

Perhaps we should do background checks on all of Franken's donors. I bet they're all as pure as the driven snow. Oh, and also: Ted Stevens has only just been indicted. As I am wont to do, I'll demur from revisiting an oft-repeated cliche by not mentioning that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing.

Oops.

"LIAR!"

This is a term so overused and abused (mostly by liberals; especially by their chosen party), that it has become almost completely devoid of meaning.

Don't believe me? OK. Here's a recent example of what I'm talking about.

That's right, the chair of the DFL filed a complaint alleging that a Norm Coleman ad contained "false campaign material" (LIAR!). And the method he used to demonstrate there were falsehoods in the ad, was alleging that there were falsehoods in the ad. Because to many, the mere accusation has become proof of the sin.

Did I mention that the complainant / DFL chair is also the current President of the Minnesota State Bar Association? He's the main reason I let my membership lapse. You'd think that the president of a large association of lawyers would know the pleading requirements before filing a complaint. Unless, you know, he just wanted to make the accusation to give the DFL's minions something to write about.

Stop it.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Reading the Tea Leaves

Interesting developments in the Brett Favre saga:

An NFL spokesman confirmed that Favre had faxed his application for reinstatement to Commissioner Roger Goodell on Tuesday afternoon, setting the wheels in motion for him to end his retirement and play football again. It will be up to Goodell to decide whether Favre will be reinstated, but that decision is a foregone conclusion, and the only question is when he will announce it.

Before that, new Packers President Mark Murphy flew to Hattiesburg, Miss., on Tuesday night, presumably to discuss with Favre the organization’s next move. When reached by the Journal Sentinel, Murphy, who flew by himself on a private plane, would not disclose his exact intentions in traveling to Hattiesburg, where Favre lives.

Here's what's going to happen: Favre's going to report to camp and, being no acceptable trade offers, will compete with A-Rodg for the starting position. A-Rodg, being a star in the making will tie Favre for the starting position. The Pack will make history by featuring the first ever 2-QB offense, and go on to win the Super Bowl. Suck it Vikings fan.

Remember: you heard it from OPG first!

LEARNEDFOOT INQUIRES: Um, what the hell do you think you're doing?

OPG ANSWERS: Just writing about the Pack. Same as always.

LEARNEDFOOT PUZZLES: I thought you retired?

OPG CLARIFIES: Indeed, I did.

LEARNEDFOOT STEAMS: Then WTF are you doing posting again???????

OPG RESPONDS: Oh, nothing. I'm just staying sharp. You know: maintaining my blogging chops.

LEARNEDFOOT FACEPALMS: By writing another post on a blog after you've retired from blogging?

OPG DEFENDS: Yes. How else am I supposed to practice my writing?

LEARNEDFOOT STUTTERS: Why would you want to practice? YOU'RE F-ING RETIRED!!!!!!

OPG MATTER-OF-FACTS: Yes. I am. No more blogging for this guy! Free and easy for the rest of my life!

LEARNEDFOOT REVEALS: So all those 17 calls you made to the Nihilist in Golf Pants on my cell phone...?

OPG EXPLAINS: Just calling to say "hi" to an old buddy.

LEARNEDFOOT EXPLODES: YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET HIM!!!!!!

OPG TAP DANCES: We have an unconventional friendship.

LEARNEDFOOT DUMBFOUNDS: Uh-huh. I see. What am I going to do with you?

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA INTERJECTS: KILL HIM!!! KILL HIM WITH FIRE!!!!

OPG TAKES OFFENSE: Oh, now c'mon. I just retired. I'd like to enjoy my retirement for a while before you kill me.

LEARNEDFOOT GIVES UP: Stop posting please.

OPG REMINDS: Well, duh! I'm retired. Have you already forgotten?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My Retirement -- An Update

There has been some speculation about the permanence of my retirement in the thread to my final post. Some are doubting my sincerity or the finality of my decision, while others are concocting silly conspiracy theories that I will end up blogging for the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

This is absolutely absurd.

My decision is firm and was arrived at through much deliberation, consultation with my family and LearnedFoot, prayer, meditation, research and beer. I'm burned out and have no desire to blog for another year. It's done. Over. Fini.

Some may think that my decision was a cry for attention; that an out of control ego couldn't stand being out of the limelight despite the continued success of this ThunderJournal. Nothing could be farther from the truth. That last post was my final post here at KAR.

Well, no. This is my final post at KAR. Because I'm retired. Now. After I publish this post. In a minute or so. Capischi?

So in conclusion: Retired as of the end of this post. Not coming back. Definitely not retarded enough to blog at Anti Strib or faithless enough to join Nihilist in Golf Pants. It's not about me. It's over. Goodbye.

Farewell to OPG

As you read earlier, this morning long time KARnie Obnoxious Packer Guy tendered his resignation, which I accepted. OPG served this ThunderJournal - and served it well - for nearly 3 years. While I wish he could have stayed on through this season to chronicle the Packers' march to the Super Bowl, I realize that we must now wish him well in his retirement and move forward as an organization.

I and all the other KARnies greatly anticipate The Analog Kid's new role as KAR's chief Packer ranter. But I think AK realizes, as do we all, that you cannot replace an Obnoxious Packer Guy, you can only succeed him. I know that we will find that AK will bring his own unique style and talents to the job that will make him incomparable to all those KARnies who have come before him.

Please join me in thanking OPG for three great years here at KAR. We will miss him, even as we move toward a more glorious future.

A Sad Goodbye

This is hard, so please be patient with me.

As many of you know, I have been covering the Packers beat here at KAR since, I think, the dark days of the Bob Slowik administration. I have been with this ThunderJournal through all its successes, and also its myriad failures. I have led. I have persevered. I have taken KAR to the summit like so many other great leaders such as Joe Montana and, er... Dan Marino. Indeed, I have become the face of KAR.

But now, the fire is gone. My heart is just not in it any more. So today, I am announcing my retirement from ThunderJournalism.

Make no mistake. My decision is not based on any animosity with any of my blogmates or the editorial direction of this ThunderJournal. I love these...

Excuse me one moment while I weep...

...

I love these guys. I have no disagreements with LearnedFoot, and we had a nice discussion just before I wrote this, my final post. We are parting on the best of terms. But that time comes for everyone when you have to hang up the keyboard, move on and make way for the next generation. I have nothing but confidence in my Packerblogging successor here, the Analog Kid. I remain certain that he will fill the role I leave open adequately.

I'd like to take this time to thank LearnedFoot for giving me a chance. I thank my fellow KARnies for their unwavering indifference. And most of all, I'd like to thank you, my reader. Your comments and your criticisms have been invaluable to me over the years, and I am better for them.

So, this is it. My final post. The last one ever. Forever. I take my leave now, good sirs.

Goodbye.

Forever.

I really mean it.

Bye.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Requiem for a Champion

[HOW TO READ THIS POST: Due to the lack of film footage, the MilF in review video could not be made. Instead, imagine Jim Nantz reading the following copy as he does on those CBS post-PGA-tour event video recaps over inspiring music.]


Stormy skies gave way to a muggy haze as the stage was set for the fourth playing of the Millard Fillmore Memorial. At high noon, the first group off, team Policy Johnson playing from the ladies tees set the tone for the afternoon, by barely getting off the tee. Playing a brisk round as a twosome in under three and a half hours despite amassing some 300 strokes between them, John LaPlante and Troy Johnson cruised to a last place finish. Adding insult to injury, it was later discovered that they had failed to record a two stroke penalty for a hole on which LaPlante teed off in front of the tee markers. The first in a day full of historic moments, this was the first DQ in the long and storied history of this great tournament.


Others tried and failed to master the curves and hills of the storied TPC at Valleywood. Captain Ed at the helm of team Titaniaiaiaiaic, was powerless to avoid the iceberg that was the fury of his partner, King Banaiaaininan. Launching scores into the stratosphere and irons into the air, Titanaiaiaiaic was doomed to the same fate of its namesake. By the Tenth, it appeared that that old Iron Maiden song seemed prophetic, as the ship sank "like lead into the sea".


Not even the blatant cheating by teh Andee, the lame smack by Dan Stoverfecke or the calm demeanor of team Nightmeister could keep this from becoming a two horse race. Perennial contender Comment Trolls carried by the 6-handicap Mike Bhonerity, and weighted down by the 65-handicap Rick Schutta, surged early and did not let up.



But KARNation in Golf Pants proved level to the task. Propelled by LearnedFoot's rocket launching driver, Bill's adequacy and Nihilist burning desire to piss off his wife by prominently displaying on his living room mantle a plastic Rubbermaid pitcher with scribblings on it, KARNation in Golf Pants lived up to any and all pre-tournament hype.


The Comment Trolls tied the MilF record going into the clubhouse with an 87. The record lasted only until LearnedFoot tapped in for bogey on the last, securing a new record score 83, the pitcher, and a place in history.


It was a victory for the ages.


It now seems as unthinkable as Tiger Woods losing the Buick Open (hosted by Tiger Woods), that the ultimate golfing machine that is KARNation in Golf Pants could have failed to bring home the jug. In the end, they met their destiny: hoisting Lord Jones' Pitcher while all the others sat in the background picking their noses.




[/Jim Nantz]




Other items of note:




* Fun fact: As mentioned above, The Comment Trolls took 2nd place with an 87. The third place team finished 19 strokes behind them.




* Given this fact, the tournament committee is seriously considering a new rule that any team who scored more than 105 in the previous year must swallow their, er, manhood, and play from the ladies tees. Seriously.




* Mike Bhonerity once again won the Mike Bhonerity Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, and a pound of delicious applewood smoked Patrick Cudahy bacon ("the bacon that made South Milwaukee famous") as individual low medalist with a score of 85.




* Dan Stover repeated as winner of the Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer lookalike contest, narrowly edging KAR's own Iron Matron.




* Teh Andee wins the Spotty for his abhorrent display of douchebaggery on the 18th green, throwing my ball into the pond.




* Mad ups to John "Nightwriter" Stewart for manning the grill when the Master of Sausages couldn't man his post due to unforeseen circumstances.




* As discussed at the PostMilF: this will be the final year that the PostMilF raises funds for Soldiers' Angels. Next year's PostMilF proceeds will go to a breast cancer charity. We believe that this is a better fit of charity for the MilF, and will lend itself to all kinds of new and crass double entendres and wise cracks going forward.




* In addition to the interim Master of Sausages, special thanks go out to: Iron Matron for her Caprese and her "Cleveland Steamers" dessert; Jen Carlson for her nummy dessert; Kevin "Typhoid Kevie" Ecker for running the money to SA; Rick Schutta for the sparklers; Bill for liaising with Valleywood; The Head of Alfredo Garcia Holly Fleisshammer for the liveblogging; all the golfers and PostMilFers who made the 2008 event another rousing success; and the lovely and fetching Mrs. Foot for putting up with this bullshit yet again.



Salvation is another chance. See you next year at the 5th Millard Fillmore Memorial.

Friday, July 25, 2008

LiveBlogging the MilF

4:49 - Hey! I see on Twitter there's a party at Paul Demko's house!

Holly out!

4:44 - So. Effing. Bored. This is like sitting through a press conference.

4:36 - Question: What do you call John McCain on the golf course?

Answer: Frankenstein! Get it? Because his arms are all stiff and dorky?

Pwn3ed again! I'm fierce!

4:31 - Oh, I get it, now. You guys are mean.

4:30 - I just read where Michele Bachmann did a speech about oil - on a radio station sponsored by an oil company.

Pwn3d!

4:19 - Karl Bremer wrote asking if Foot "has taken a wide stance" on the fifteenth "T".

I don't get it.

4:16 - Mr. Foot says the Fifteenth "Hole" is a hole that "sucks your balls". Finally, some knowledge.

4:19 - Weezect from Stillwater texted me; he says "on fourteen" means they're on the fourteenth "hole". That's just not true. Fourteen. Fourteen words. White males. Racism and sexism.

Get a grip.

4:15 - Mr. Bannion says they're "on fourteen". This is White Male Golf Code for "We Hate Women And Black People", and is a reference to "The Fourteen Words" of white supremacist literature.

3:59 - I get up and start wandering back toward the group with the tournament. I can year someone yelling about Bret Farv. Well, whoop di do. I read a report from the Committee for References About Sports that said Farv is better than Michael Jordan.

Oh, snap.

3:51 - No, Al Franken. Golf balls.

3:49 - Well, that is sucks. It wasn't a blinding flash of epiphany. I got hit in the head by one of the Nihilist's balls.

3:47 - Owwies. My head.

3:46 - It is Nihilist in Golf Pants. I'm sorry, Dadders, you were right - there is a hell!

3:45 - I look up. I never figured Tina Brown would look like Nihilist in Golf Pants.

3:44 - Huh? The light? I see the light...it must be...Tina Brown descending from the skies to take me to New York and find me a way cool pad under the Brooklyn Bridge, to bring my fierce snarkz to the Big Apple, baby!

Come and take me away, Tina!

3:38 - It's the editor of Minneapolis/Saint Paul! And the editor of New Yorker! And the editor of Rolling Stone! They're arguing - about who wants me more!

Hahahaha! I'm outta here, bitchez! Kiss my pilates-licious ass goodbye!

See that, Steve Perry? I'm on my way to New York! Buh-byes, widdle fella! Erik Black was right - you are George Soros' byotches!

3:37 - I've had a blinding flash of epiphany.

3:27 - I leave the white boys to their little game. I climb atop the nearest hill and sit, like Sylvia Plath must have, looking up at the same blue sky that hovers above all the bogus no-talent hacks out there doing the jobs that are rightfully mine. I ponder the unfairness of it all.

Sometimes I'm afraid. Petrified. Wondering how I can make it, with this career suicide? And I spent oh, so many nights, wondering where I had gone wrong. But it made me strong. And I learned how to get along.

So now I'm here, covering White Boyz. All their obnoxious rituals, their habits, and their toys. Aren't they the ones that touched our bodies with their laws? That's what they does - and it makes me strong, because...

...I will survive. I will survive! As long as I know how to write, I know I'll be alive!

Damn. I'm good. I'd hire me!

3:13 - This is just obnoxious. A girl works hard for years, writing about awful band gigs at claustrophobic bars clogged with obnoxious frat boys and punk wannabees, and Minneapolis/Saint Paul hires...what? James Lileks? Brian Lambert? Hel-lo, is it white in there?

2:47 - A lone woman struck a blow for equality against the oppressive male running dogs...



At least, that's how Steve Perry told me to write it.


2:30 - I'm sorry - I sort of lost track. I was reading Britt Robson's piece in the Minnesota Independent on how Tim Pawlenty destroyed the economy. I'm thinking about what next year's tournament is going to be like, with all these middle-aged, middle-class white guys swatting at golf balls with bundles of food stamps!

Mwahahahaha!

2:00 - Sorry. I lost count of holes. Whoop di do. The guys are all gathered around the beer cart, ordering cruddy beer (Miller Lite for $5) from a cutesy little tart. They're standing around and talking with her.

Bitch.

1:47 - A "Dan Stover" - never heard of him - texted me and said the "moose" was a deer, and furthermore if I turn around I won't be lost, since I'm only ten feet into the woods, off the "Ruff".
1:43 - It's kinda fun being in the woods. There's a moose here and it looks so stupid, like a gimpy dwarf moose. Hey, moosey-moose!

1:41 - I'm sorry! Everyone! I'm sorrrrrrry!

1:39 - Joe Bodell is not actually with me. Buzzkill!

1:38 - Joe Bodell calls to tell me that he has a GPS. He'll help. Happy happy!

1:35 - Guys? I'm lost. In the woods.

1:34 - Hey - where are the rest of the MilF guys?

1:32 - Look! Steve Sarvi is following me in Twitter!

1:28 - Bob Collins writes to tell me that according to his keen bloggy intellect, it's really "Rich Schlutta", "Learned Foot" and "The Notorious BAD". But I'll believe Joe, because he has a code of ethics. Ha to the ha, suckaz!

1:26 - Joe Bodell writes to tell me that the guys in the picture are Andy Aplikowsky, Joe "Learned Foot" Tucci and "Northern Allianz Wannabee".

1:20 - through the miracle of digital photogz, I got this pic:


Like, I don't even know who's who. I'm gonna guess "whitebread", "whitefish" and "white toast".
1:16 - This is more fun than watching Anna Pratt paint Paul Demko's toes!

No, fo' realz!

1:08 - Wow. The guys are really moving along now. On the green in two, one or two puts, and we're on our way! This is going faster than I thought.

12:54 - I'm told the kid behind me has muscular dystrophy. That has to be, like, a lie, since according to a report from the Association of Maoist Dentists, they all died once Pawbushy's tax cuts went into effect. Hah. Suckers.

12:53 - Gawd, this is funny. There's this kid in the group behind us who's, like, totally drooling and shaking like he's some kind of gimp who totally ODed on ecstasy, just like my roommate Nirvannah did back at Saint Olaf.

12:44 - Steve Perry asked me "Tell me what Learned Foot's swing is like?" It starts in the back, and, doyyy, moves to the front.

12:34 - Don't you people realize I have reservations at Chino tonight?

12:28 - Things seem to be held up as John LaPlante sizes up every possible angle for his first putt.

12:24 - Finally. The final team. Finally some color! Learned Foot looks Latino. Looks like the guy who landscapes dadders' lawn, come to think of it. Hahahah. Como estas, Senor Fut? Se, Tu Puedes hitto el ballo! Psych!

Next is a fellow named Bill Notrosky. Never heard of him.

And - finally, a guy who looks like a genuine caring liberal! Thought I'd never see the day!

12:22 - Can you believe it? No fucking limes!

12:20 - Finally, some familar faces. Jeff Fecke, columnist emeritus from the Mindy, Spotty from Cucking Stool are up next. I didn't see their swing; I was trying to get the beer woman to bring me a Corona. The bitch got no lime.

12:16 - Cameron "King" Bannion (tip of the preserved-daisy-clad fedora to Joe Bodell for getting the name for me - hugs and kissies!) is teeing off now. Good swing, but he doesn't know jack about economics. Jeff Fecke says so.

Now Ed Morrissey of Vent is hitting the ball.

And another

And another.

And another.

I don't get it; they're all on the "fare way", but he just keeps hitting more of the.

12:12: A couple of other guys teed off, but I was having an argument with the waiter about the labor theory of value. He was trying to tell me what it meant, but I have the Wikipedia article on the subject right here. You are my bee-YATCH, Juan!

12:08: A guy named "Night Rider" is teeing off now. Karl Bremer tells me it's a Klu Klux Klan reference. Karl's never lied to me before.

He's followed by Leo. Hey, I'm a Leo! Not! As if!

I think they both got base hits.

12:05: As I sit here bored out of my sku-hu-hu-hull, I'm reading up some information about "Golf". According to the Association for Sports Statistics, Valleywood is rated "one step above miniature golf". And yet these guys - big brawney strapping white middle class guys all of them - are acting like it's DIFFICULT.

12:00 I got here after driving through the suburbs, which, according to the Center for Extreme Analysis of Mortgage Perecentage Index Evolution are going to be 99% forelosed in the next few years, and I'm envisioning all the walls KA BLAMMO caving in, and I'm picturing all the Masters of the Universe who used to own them sitting in homeless shelters and thinking "ha ha!", because back at Saint Olaf you were "too good" for some of the non-Barbie-Doll women, who today are strong, independent women who are one career slump away from working for Rolling Stone, baby!

Which white guys are teeing off first?

At 12PM, it's John LaPlante and Troy Johnson. John wrote something about tax policy in his blog a while ago, and it was like "hel-lo, 1986 called and wants its theories back".

One of them hit the ball, and then the other one did. Whoop di do.

Is It White Out Here? Liveblogging the 2008 MilF

I'm Holly Fleisshammer, and I got a new job here at KAR because, ka-blammo, I'm Post-Toasties at my previous employer, Fleeb Magazine, the magazine covering the Minneapolis tattoo industry. One day I was out having Mojitos with Steve Perry and Karl Bremer and Andy Birkey, snickering at other peoples' tack-kay choices in accessories (like, purses made out of gas mask bags? Hel-lo? 1987 called, they want their gaffes back? And the next minute, I've got a pink slip. Which makes me like 95% of American workers will over the next couple of years, according to Media Matters for America. And if they say it, you know it's true.
So with a choice between working at Hooters or writing for Kool Aid Report, a collection of a bunch of white guys in their basements in their underwear writing scathe-a-mundo social "commentary", I took the writing gig.
My first job is to cover the "MilF", which is some kind of golf tournament. I don't know much about golf, but a writer can write about anything.
So it's time to head out to the golf course. It's in the suburbs - hel-lo, white people! - so I'll have a hard time finding it.
But I will start my liveblog when the golfering starts.
See you then.

Speech On the Battle of Valleywood -- The Feast of St. Christopher

This day is call'd the feast of Christopher.
He that golfeth this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of the MilF.
He that shall golf this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast nonMilFers,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Christopher.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had when that douchebag hit into me on the fifth.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
The Comment Trolls, Stover and Bill,
Paul of Plymouth and Banaiaiaian, Stewart and Andee-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And the MilF shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of MilFers;
For he to-day that golfs and drinks with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in Minnesota now at work
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods as cheap as Chad the Elder's whiles any speaks
That golfed with us upon Saint Christopher's day!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Moron Mail

It's been a while, and I'm a little rusty, so I'll just fisk one:

Regarding "Bachmann, back from Alaska, urges more domestic drilling" (July 23): U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann doesn't seem to understand the subtle difference between need and want (describing the untapped Alaskan energy resources as a locked pantry filled with food while children go hungry). Perhaps a better analogy would be a locked medicine cabinet filled with morphine in a room full of addicts.

Let's tend to the real needs of our children and provide a livable planet for their future that doesn't involve destroying our environment.

MICHELE BONER, ST. PAUL

July 23, 2008. The paper carrier driving a 1985 Chevy Malibu (17 MPG city) drops the newspaper - as he does every day - at the doorstep of one Michele Boner of St. Paul. Ms. Boner, reading the text electronically printed upon former tree pulp, becomes incensed that a Congesswoman she never voted for and who does not represent her, offered a commonsense opinion on energy policy. Angry, as many unstable persons become upon seen this Congresswoman's name, she fires up her electricity-powered computer, forcefully pounds out an indignant missive on MS Works, prints it out on another piece of dead tree pulp using another device - this one, a "printer" - that uses electricity. She rips the page from the printer, shoves it into and envelope - yet another tree-pulp based product, manufactured using electricity - and stomps out to the mailbox to send it.

The mail carrier, driving in her gasoline-powered jeep, barely takes notice of Ms. Boners letter as he absently deposits it into his already bulging bag. He completes his 6 hour long route and returns to the post office with Ms. Boner's letter. The letter is sorted, using machines powered by sweet sweet electricity under fluorescent lights powered by same, loaded into a bin and placed aboard a large diesel powered semi destined for downtown Minneapolis. Upon reaching its destination, the bin containing Ms. Boner's letter is whisked off the truck and put through another electrically powered sorting machine by postal workers who can only see it because of the electrically powered lights overhead. The Boner letter again finds its appropriate bin, and is then loaded on another jeep - which is, oddly enough, also powered by gasoline. Ms. Boner's letter finally makes it to its destination: a large, well-lit, air conditioned building with lots of computers in it on Portland Avenue.

There, one Tim O'Brien chews on a Ding Dong while sorting through the mail. He reads Ms. Boner's letter, finds it compelling, and enters it into his electrically powered computer editor for printing in the next day's edition. It is sent electronically to the press room. The printing presses whir to life on the motive power of electricity, where Ms. Boner's infernal letter is propagated onto thousands of sheets of former trees. The sheets are compiled, bundled and loaded onto trucks bound for distribution centers.

July 24, 2008. The paper delivery person grabs his bundle of former tree carrying Ms. Boner's wisdom, throws it into the passenger seat of his Malibu, and once again goes about his appointed route. The paper carrier drops the newspaper - as he does every day - at the doorstep of one Michele Boner of St. Paul.

Why does Michele Boner want to jeopardize our children's future by destroying our environment?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The MilF: Where All the Golfers Have a Handicap

It's time for the annual Handicapping of the Field!

[crickets]

Friday's tournament may be the most competitive ever in the long and storied history of the Millard Fillmore Memorial KARNation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic. Weather may also be a factor, as Paul Douglas has predicted "a stray storm popping up Friday" which, if his accuracy holds, means "Hurricane Dolly will reach category 3 strength by the time it plows into Apple Valley around 1 pm on Friday."

A reminder to MilFers and PostMilFers: we play, rain or shine. If there's lightning, we run screaming into the clubhouse like a bunch of pansies and drink ourselves stupid until it passes. But then we resume play.

But back to the field.Here are the tee times, pairings and analysis for the 2008 MilF (tee times are approximate):

NOON

Policy Johnson (LaPlante / Johnson) Odds: 3,987,100 to 1

This is the second year for LaPlante of the Policy Guy blog who is paired with tournament rookie and KAR Kwote Widget inventor Troy Johnson. Johnson is an unknown, but LaPlante is very known, leading his 2007 team (paired with Dan Stover) to last place. Unfortunately, the MilF Competition Committee was unable to come up with a place lower than last place, but if it had, LaPlante's team would have been in it. Despite his unknown status, I'm not expecting much from Johnson, since golfers who play in the MilF tend to suck. I don't see him being any different.

12:08

Nightmeister (Stewart / Pussiteriatonione) Odds: 97 to 1

Fortunately for Nightmeister, team captain John Stewart (Night Writer) is money from 100 yards and in. Unfortunately for Nightmeister, it takes him a good 4 or 5 shots to get within 100 yards of the green. Can newcomer and noted St. Cloud dago Leo Pusithoweveritsspelledi (Psycmeistr's Ice Palace) propel his team to victory?

Quick: name three prominent Italian tour pros.

...

I got Rocco Mediate and Rory Sabbatini. And that's it. So I'm guessing the answer is "no".

UPDATE: I've just discovered that Rory Sabbatini is South African. KAR regrets the error.

The Comment Trolls (Bhonerity / Schutta) Odds: 6 to 1

The Comment Trolls followed up their 2006 Championship with a strong if disappointing second place in 2007. Bhonerity remains the best individual golfer in the field despite repeated attempts to sever the tendon in his right leg just below the hamstring. Bhonereity is reunited with his partner of the last two years, Rick Schutta, who once again should provide at least two scores below dodecatuple-bogey to "help" his team. It shouldn't pass without mentioning that Schutta is perennially the most fashionably retro competitor in the field, playing with his persimmon woods.

12:16

Titaniaiaiaiaiaiaic (Baniaiaiaian / Morrissey) Odds: 50 to 1

With Superginney Mark Yost out of the tournament, King Baniaiaiaiaiaian (SCSU Scholar + Janet) gets partnered with rookie Uberblogger Ed Morrissey (Hot Air). Banaiaiaian's vegetarian diet will probably only provide him enough energy to play 10 holes, so it's up to wild card Morrissey to carry this team to the Pitcher. Can he bring down the field like he brought down the Canadian government?

Probably not.

Teh Residual Feckes (Aplikowski / Stover) Odds: ∞ to 1





12:24 or whenever Teh Andee gives up looking for his tee shot and 4 mulligans in the woods

KARNation in Golf Pants (Nihilist / LearnedFoot / Notorious BIL) Odds: 4 to 1

The favorite in the 2008 MilF, this rare threesome has been referred to as "The Dream Team." With Foot's monstrous power off the tee, Bill's short game and the Nihilist's unique ability to take gimmes on 4-foot putts, KARNation in Golf Pants is almost the perfect scramble team. However, the MilF is a minimum quota best ball tournament, meaning that all three will need to bring their total game while resisting the temptation to waste strokes by trying to peg Andee with tee shots while waiting for him to get the hell out of their way. But with such a diluted field, the returning champions teamed with a member of the 2006 runner up team should be an unstoppable force of golfing awesomeness.

=====

Don't forget, even if you're team sucks, there are several other awards to be won besides the Coveted Jim Jones Pitcher:

The Mike Bhonerity Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Low individual score ***There will be a trophy for this award!!!!***

The Spotty: For the biggest douchenozzle

The Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer Lookalike Contest: Self-explanatory.

And possibly some more.

Once again, the Head of Alfredo Garcia will be handling the "live"blogging the tournament. And, if he remains true to form, Captain Ed will be liveblogging the PostMilF.

Consider this post the official pre-MilF smack flinging / wager making / Chad the Elder's manhood questioning thread.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We Really Shouldn't Talk to Each Other Any More

[LearnedFoot (FOOT) sits in a barcalounger at KAR corporate HQ, jamming to an Alice in Chains CD. Enter BILL.]

BILL: 'Sup Foot?

FOOT: Just jammin' to some Alice in Chains. 'Sup witchoo?

BILL: Just saw an interesting story on the local evening news.

FOOT: Really? Do spill.

BILL: Well, it seems that a cockfighting ring was busted in the north metro yesterday.

FOOT: !!!!!

BILL: Yes, dreadful, isn't it?

FOOT: So you're telling me that a cock ring was busted somewhere in the north metro???

BILL: Oh...no. I should not have said anything to you about -

FOOT: [Musing] WOW! That dude must have had a huge boner!

BILL: I'm going to leave now. [Exits.]

FOOT: [Singing along with CD] Heeeeere they come to snuff the rooooosterrrrrrr...

[Fade to black.]

Monday, July 21, 2008

KAR: Tomorrow's Strib, Yesterday

Back during the Great Blog Proliferation of Aught-Four, it was widely predicted that this new medium held great promise. The days of the legacy media were numbered, some said, because with all these new eyes on the ground coupled with a medium that had the capability of reaching a huge, world-wide audience, news could be instantaneously transmitted to the masses. Any news. News that wouldn't get reported in the broadsheets or network news programs because of space or time constraints. If something of note were to occur, anyone with an internet connection would be able to find it somewhere on the web, often shortly after it happened. No more stodgy editors sitting in their ivory towers deciding for us what was or was not important enough to report! Behold the dawn of the democratization of information! Let a thousand flowers bloom!

Well, it didn't work out that way. Instead - at least in the public affairs genre - we've basically gotten a bunch of activist blogs shilling for a party or candidate and slagging on the rival; yawn inducing yellow journalism. Seriously: nobody gives a shit about how much cash on hand Steve Sarvi's campaign has in the second quarter. Nobody, with the possible exception of all the other drone blogs "reporting" the same thing.

And don't get me started on the level of the "commentary" these people churn out. It's somewhat akin, if still inferior, to Moonchild's famous commentary on one of his own recent accomplishments: "It's a huge MONGO poop."

We here at KAR have always strived for impertinence; to take the road less traveled. We do not claim to be "citizen journalists" or "online commentators" like some other deeply deluded and self important bloggers. Public opinion polls are a dime a dozen and, frankly extremely boring, except to those who are too banal to understand sports. But if some guy dies because he had his common law wife shove too much sherry wine up his butt, you can expect wall to wall coverage on the matter with some of the most incisive commentary on the internet.

In short, we - I - like to write about stuff that interests us, or things that lend themselves to a good joke.

Or a bad joke. We're not much about quality control either.

But you, as discerning ThunderJournal consumers already knew that.

I mention all this, because I noticed this story in the Strib this morning. It appears several days after I published this post - a Photo ThunderJournal of dried-up Lake Delton.

Now, of course, each piece - mine and the Strib's - has their own merits. While both articles related to the same subject matter, and both contained nouns, verbs and the occasional adverb there were some striking differences. For instance, my post featured five stunning photos of the flood's aftermath, while the Strib's story (in the dead-tree version) only printed two. And one of those pictures was just of some guy. However, the Strib's story - again, appearing 4 days after my own - contained interviews with actual people; something that I neglected to do, as I really didn't feel like doing that. And while both stories mentioned all the tree stumps, my story was the only one that exposed the buoy purporting to mark a submerged rock as a sham. I think this is conclusive evidence of shoddy reporting on the Strib's part.

And it all happened because I thought a dried up lake looked cool. So I took a bunch of pictures.

See? We can scoop the Strib when we're not even trying. Imagine what we could do if we did try.

(Hell, imagine what we could do if for some reason the only stories deemed worth reporting all had to do with anuses. Then we'd totally clean up.)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Everybody Wants to Rule the MilF

We're a week away. Thus, my customary clarion cry:

MilFers and PostMilFers: CHECK YOUR EMAIL!!!111!!11!!

I have sent out the last (second-last?) MilF newsletter containing vital information that all golfers and post-tournament partiers need. If for some reason you didn't get this email (spam filters catching repeated use of the word "MILF" in a yahoo message comes to mind) let me know. My addy is permanently located on the sidebar.

One of less heralded aspects of the MilF tradition are the wacky, always amusing, frequently near-fatal golf cart hijinks. For instance, it would not be at all surprising to see a scene like this at this year's outing:



I'm pretty sure Teh Andee did something similar to this last year:



Speaking of Teh Andee, I see that he's going to use his own souped up cart this year. Here's some video of him doing a test drive, (and trying to impress his girlfiend):



Best wishes, Andee! I hope you recover in time for the MiLF.

MilF - Next Friday!

Golfers around the country and local blogosphere are getting their game on. Or not...


It Seemed Less Edgy When I Was a Kid

The Count is one horny vampire.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Lake Country

Just spent the last few days in the Dells. Since this was a family vacation, most of the time was spent at various water parks dodging chubby, hairy men with pornstaches from Chicago shooting out of large plastic tubes while trying not to look at chubby, leathery tramp-stamped women from Chicago crammed into swimsuits that were several sizes too small.

Of course, Moonchild was a madman on the waterslides, and The B spent pretty much the entire time underwater, as she is wont to do. This kept Mrs. Foot and me in a constant state of awareness and panic, carefully trying to keep a vigilant eye on the kids while trying very hard not to get an eyeful of pulsating cellulite blobbing out from the "confines" of a Brazilian-cut bikini.

At the middle of the day each day, retreated back to the condo we were sharing with another family to eat lunch and put the younger ones down for a nap. This provided the only time that we could venture out at take in some of Wisconsin Dells' World Famous Scenery™.

Like, for instance, the lovely Lake Delton:





You may recall hearing about Lake Delton in the news last month when it completely drained into the Wisconsin River. That's about the time that people visiting the area stopped being "vacationers" and instead morphed into "gawkers".




So, if you look at a lake with water in it, you're Taking In the Scenic Beauty of Nature. No water: you're staring at a car wreck.




It was a surreal scene. The landscape was dotted with the stumps of the trees that were cleared before the area was flooded. Most of the boat lifts and docks remained in place.




Here's a buoy supposedly marking a rock:



Either someone took this rather unique opportunity to remove the rock, or the nearby cabin owner didn't want any boats coming too close to his slip. Kind of the passive-aggressive aquatic equivalent of "get off my lawn".

OK. Here's one Gee Look How Cute My Kids Are In the Water pic (with some girl apparently farting in my general direction):


Poop Art

What does a controversial arteest do to top his last taxpayer-funded show featuring a a crucifix floating in his piss?

Poop!

CONTROVERSIAL photographer Andres Serrano is again using his bodily excreta in his sickening "art."

The provocateur caused a stir in 1989 when he received money from the taxpayer-funded National Endowment for the Arts for "P - - s Christ," his photo of a crucifix submerged in a glass container of his own urine.

Now Serrano's top-secret show, coming to the Yvon Lambert Gallery in Chelsea, features his own feces and is titled "[Bleep]: An Investigation."

"He's preparing to mount the exhibition in the fall," an insider told Page Six. "It's an investigation of feces created by a variety of different animals, including Serrano himself. He plans on making the images 60 inches high and in full color. They are jarring, to say the least."

NEA = National Endowment for the Ass

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

"No Values Voters" Uncommited to Candidates

Ventura: I'm Not Running For Senate. Now. Yet. At This Moment.

The Strib reports that Jesse "the Bud" Ventura has made a decision on running for US Senate.

"I will tell you now, I am not going to run -- at this moment," Ventura said, after waxing for several minutes on his strong standing in recent polls, media attacks on his children, and the double standard he said third-party candidates face.


Let me get this straight. He goes on a national cable show to announce he's not running... because of the media.

At this moment.




Soo..... damn. What were we talkin' about?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Let's Do the Math

The story so far:

Norm Coleman quits what is described as a "luxury apartment" for which he pays $1200 per month, to move into an apartment owned by a friend and GOP activist for $600. The Soros "Ethics" Thugs a/k/a Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Republicans Washington files an ethics complaint. Local lefty bloggers echo this story relentlessly, and having suddenly left their impromptu professions as forensic videographers and bridge engineers, become instant real estate appraisers, and summarily convict Coleman.

That about right? Good.

Let's begin with that $1200 figure mentioned above for some undescribed "luxury apartment", and juxtapose that with a Strib reporter's description of Coleman's new pad this morning.

(And it has not passed without notice that some local bridge engineers video experts real estate appraisers lefty bloggers, have cited this morning's article as proof that the Strib is in the bag for Coleman. Apparently ignoring the fact that: a) the article takes up a critical part of a story that these bridge engineers video experts real estate appraisers lefty bloggers have been pushing; b) it's a Saturday article below the fold; and c) it's objective unassailable fact that the Strib has never, ever been in the bag for Republicans. Ever. What has been proved, however, is that these licknobs should be even more aggressively ignored than they presently are.)

To the article:

Norm Coleman slept here -- but the FedEx box turned nightstand, neckties tossed over the top of an accordion-style closet door and low ceilings aren't much to write home about.

Luxury apartments have real doors. I'm knocking $50 off the value. We're at $1150.

The Washington, D.C., living arrangements of Minnesota's senior senator recently came under fire when reports surfaced that Coleman is renting space for $600 a month from a longtime Republican associate. Political opponents detected a "sweetheart deal" in what is a strikingly affordable rent for Washington's upscale Capitol Hill neighborhood.

The Star Tribune requested a tour of Coleman's accommodations, and on Friday a reporter snooped around the senator's pad with his communications chief, LeRoy Coleman
.

A set of stairs beneath the three-story rowhouse's front door leads down to his private entrance to the garden-level apartment. The main carpeted living room, with a low, approximately 7-foot ceiling, is cluttered with desks, computers and telephones used by his landlord's employees during business hours. Young children stomped around in the space above; they belong to the family that rents the upper floors.

The low ceiling doesn't mean much. On the other hand, how much would you pay for an apartment that has a living room that's used by your landlord as an office space during the day? How much is privacy worth? Your own space?

Less than $600, I'd bet. But I'm feeling generous toward the bridge engineers video experts real estate appraisers lefty bloggers and CRERW so I will deduct only $400. I'm sure that one of the luxuries of a luxury apartment is not having to come home to a boiler room operation in your living room. And I'm not even taking into account then noise from the hyper ADHD addled rugrats upstairs.

We're down to $750

Two couches and a TV fill the far end of the living room. LeRoy Coleman said the senator may use the couches occasionally.

Sen. Coleman doesn't have a kitchen, but his wet bar lines the back of the living room. It includes a small sink, cupboard space and an empty wine cooler. The mini-fridge was well stocked with bottled water and yogurt. On the marble counters were granola bars and other snack food and the senator's iron and ironing board.

Now, if you're Atomizer, the wet bar brings this property back into the realm of luxury apartments. But most normal non-alcoholic people need a kitchen. For cryin' out loud, he doesn't even have a real refrigerator. Remember, we're trying to determine fair rental value here. Do you think there are a lot of renters in the DC area willing to pay more than $600 for a basement hovel that has no kitchen and a living room that doubles as the landlord's call center?

Neither do I, notwithstanding what some partisan hack local bridge engineers video experts real estate appraisers lefty bloggers may think. A kitchen has got to be worth $200 to $250 to an average renter. Again being generous, I'll use the former figure.

We're at $550.

A few steps down a cramped hall is the bathroom, just big enough for one person to turn around. Turn the corner and the senator is within leaping distance to his tall full-sized bed, covered with a mound of pillows.

The bed almost fills the 10-by-10 space, leaving only a several-foot-wide walking space between the bed and the closet. Photos, including one of his family alongside President Bush, line the walls.

Squeezed between the end of the bed and the wall is a bench with a table and laptop dock in the corner. The neatly organized closet was all business: collared shirts, dress suits and a pile of black shoes on the floor. Jay Winik's "The Great Upheaval" sat on the makeshift bedside table.

Square footage is important, and we haven't accounted for it. The bedroom is a mere 100 square feet. The bathroom sounds like it can't be much more than 36 square feet. Cramped is an understatement. Luxury apartments are not cramped, and even the smaller ones make efficient use of the space to avoid cramping. Again, I'll be conservative and only knock off $50. I could probably go as high as $100.

We're at $500.

A Washington-based government watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW), has asked for a Senate ethics committee investigation to determine if Coleman is violating gift rules by paying a below-market rent.

And according to our calculations, he's paying $100 more than he should be. Of course, our local bridge engineers video experts real estate appraisers lefty bloggers will probably take this to mean that Senator Coleman lacks the judgement to serve in the Senate. As if his stand on ANWR oil exploration couldn't be used as proof of that.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Audacity of MilF

We're two weeks out.

The field is set.

The sausage has been chosen.

Can you feel the excitement?

Can you feel it?

Can you feel the MilF coming?

[I will pause here to allow that ingeniously crass pun wash over you.]

Onward.

The 2008 Millard Fillmore Memorial KARNation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic is shaping up to be the biggest ever. With a confirmed field of 12 golfers (6 teams) the quest for the coveted Royal and Ancient Jim Jones Pitcher will be the most contested in MilF history. Not only that, but this unprecedented field ensures that the MilF will continue to be the largest Minnesota-based blog-related golf tournament in the world. That's right. You can kiss our asses all you other bloggers / golfers. We rule, you suck. Period. One of these years, the press will pick up on this.

Once again, for those with minor brain damage, short attention spans and Chad, the details are as follows:

The Millard Fillmore KARNation Open championship Golf Outing Classic
Friday July 25, 2008, Noon
TPC at Vallywood
PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony immediately follows at Foot's crib.

If you're a rookie, or even if you just need a refresher, here are all 19 of last year's semi-popular "MilF Tips" - our hole by hole primer on the TPC at VW - conveniently located on a single page.

Turning to the PostMilF, there will again this year be a few special awards to recognize exceptional achievements. They are:

The Mike Fehrity Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence -will be awarded to the player with the lowest individual score.

The Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer Look-Alike Contest - back by popular demand.

The Spotty - Awarded to the golfer who exhibits the most hubris coupled with the worst game. If, after the round is over, someone in your group says to me referring to you "I'd rather shoot myself than play with that asshole again," you probably have a good shot at the Spotty. Just like its namesake.

...And several others I can't think of right now.

***

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for.

After 100 votes were cast, there was a clear preference. The sausage for this year's PostMilF will be, once again:



THE ITALIAN!

Thanks to everyone who didn't vote for the hot dogs.

Keep an eye on your email MilFers and PostMilfers. Vital information will be coming your way soon.

Well, not "soon" really. Probably in a week.

Friday Bacon Post

* Salon explores the internet bacon phenomenon. Doesn't mention KAR's Friday Bacon Posts. FAIL!

* New at the State Fair this year: a stand that sells chocolate covered bacon and 1/3 pound of fried bacon on a stick!!!! Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo seriously considers moving to Minnesota if they open a Skittlebräu stand next door.

UPDATE: [Looks down]

Um, ATTENTION KARNIES:

Since I am one of the few ThunderJournalists in the world with the ability to connect bacon and Skittlebräu - and you are not - from now on, all Friday Bacon Posts go through me.

That is all.

Friday Bacon Post (I beat Foot)

Thanks to Sequel for this news item:
ST. PAUL (AP) - Wondering what's on the menu at this year's Minnesota State Fair?

Food officials are introducing Pig Lickers, Pickle Pops and Big Fat Bacon.

There was some hesitation about allowing something called Pig Lickers to be sold at the fair. But Charlie Torgerson, who co-owns several Famous Dave's Franchises, says the chocolate-covered bacon decorated with some sea salt is the best meat out there.

If you want the bacon but not the chocolate, you might try the Big Fat Bacon. It's one-third pound of bacon, fried and caramelized with maple syrup. It's served on a stick.

I'll be lickin' both items like a pig this year. Hey Mitch: You have TWO food-eating contest items for NARN at the fair this year.

Star Tribune disproves evolution

If natural selection really makes species better, how do you explain the existence, in this stage of our species' development, of a news reporter who allows a "controversial" moron to describe his opposition rather than asking someone who actually, you know, might oppose him?
His opponents, he said, describe him as a "strident, militant atheist" because of his activism in the debate of evolution vs. creationism.
Since this reporter and his editors are clearly statistical outliers on the whole "has half a brain" chart, I thought I'd do them a favor and clean up that quote a little:
His non-straw-men-opponents describe him as a "strident, militant jackass" because he doesn't actually consider the opposition's arguments, preferring name-calling and publicity stunts that we media folks fall for every time.
That sounds more like it.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Logobama - "Rev. Jackson" Edition

Jesse Jackson wants to make Obama a castrati. This calls for updated Logobama submissions:



Come to Think of It, You Do Remind Me of Another Kind of Hole

There's "childish." There's "easily offended." There's "hypersensitive." And then there's - well, whatever this guy is:

A special meeting about Dallas County traffic tickets turned tense and bizarre this afternoon.

County commissioners were discussing problems with the central collections office that is used to process traffic ticket payments and handle other paperwork normally done by the JP Courts.

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy
.

"Racially insensitive analogy" should have scare quotes around it. Big scare quotes; scare quotes the size of a star just before it collapses that carries with it a gravitational force so powerful that it can suck those three words out of this article beyond its event horizon, collapsing it into an infinitessimal point of pure ignorance.

Cute metaphors aside, how does one even function with such a tightly wound spring-loaded offensiveness detector? Can you imagine if everyone was like this?

BLACK GUY: The Cubs are are going to crumble like a cracker down the stretch!

WHITE GUY: Excuse me!

BLACK GUY: What?

WHITE GUY: I think you mean the Cubs are going to crumble like a blacker.

WHITE GUY #2: I demand you apologize for using the work "cracker"!

BLACK GUY: My God, you two are dumb.

(See, also, this post.)

Who Knew?

Joe Tucci here.

Met Brian Lambert at Billy's last night. He's not a dick.

Also ran into Andy there. He, on the other hand - well...

(Just bustin' balls - he's not a dick either.) I need to go back to bed now.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Earning My Stripes

Joe Tucci here. The Big Toe is sending me to Billy's tonight to guard Andy, so I thought I'd tell you a little about myself on account of not many of you know me.

Chicks dig me 'cuz I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's something unusual. And Andy, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together - forget it.

Now a couple of ground rules:

The name's Joe Tucci, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Joe, I'll kill you.

Also, I don't like no one touching my buffalo wings. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my wings, I'll kill you.

And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me, I'll kill you.

LEARNEDFOOT INTERJECTS: Lighten up Francis.

Sorry boss.

See you tonight.

Oh, and by the way: Foot looks nothing like Silvio Berlusconi (though I do NOT recommend doing a google image search for "Berlusconi"). If any one of you tells me that Foot looks like Berlusconi, I'll kill you.

Now, I think we owe a big round of applause for our big toe, LearnedFoot.

Community Outreach-around

[We join a meeting of KARnies, already in progress.]

LEARNEDFOOT: ...I really think that we ought to send someone to this.


IRON MATRON: Why is that?


LF: Er...community outreach? With beer?


BILL: I can't go. I'm on vacation.


[Enter DEMENTEE]


DEMENTEE: HEY FELLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT UP!!!!!?????


ANALOG KID: We were just discussing whether to send an emissary to Billy's tonight for the big Wingnut / Moonbat blogger happy hour.


DEM: MOONBAT?????!!!!!! ME LOVE TO EEEEEEEEEEAT MOONBAT!!!!!!!! YUMMY!!!!!!


LF: Well, we definitely can't send Dementee. Where've you been anyway, D?


DEM: ME TOOK SABBATICAL TO BUDDHIST MONASTERY IN TIBET!!!!!!! ME SPEND YEAR MEDITATING AND WORKING IN RICE PADDY!!!!!!!! HELP DEMENTEE WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LF: ...


DEM: [Sheepishly] IT DIDN'T TAKE!!!!!!!!!


ANAL KID: What about the Head of Alfredo - Hey! I told you to stop cuing my lines by calling me "Anal Kid"!


LF: *snort* *snicker* sorry.


AK: [Looking] That's better. So, why not send the Head of Alfredo Garcia?


LF: I think he's going as a representative of another blog.


XERXES: Oh, well we can't have any dual representation now can we? [Farts]


IM: Why don't you go, Foot? From what I've seen, it looks like most of the deranged hate-filled perspective-impaired pantloads (and Swiftee) are staying home.


LF: Yeah, that's definitely a plus. But there's going to be TV cameras there. I hate cameras.


XER: Just walk around without any pants. That way they won't be able to show any footage they do take of you on TV. [Farts]


LF: It's a public TV station. They'll probably think that me walking around sans pants is performance art or something, and they'll probably end up making a half-hour special based on it.


[Phone rings]


LF: 'Scuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? ...Yes. Mmmhmm... I see.... Well, I'll see what I can do. [Hangs up. Xerxes farts.] It seems that our old pal Andy is going to be there. He says that he may need backup. You know, some muscle.


IM: You thinking what I'm thinking?


LF: Yep. Get me Joe Tucci on the phone! Oh, and Chief? We'll need a graphic!






LF: Sweeeeet.
[XERXES farts.]

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Logobama - KAR style

Here's a new site where we can all play with logo enhancement: Logobama!

We’ve been noticing a trend of people displaying their support for Barack Obama’s Democratic presidential campaign by using his logo as their avatar, or visual representation on the web. We thought, “what can we do to show our support?”

Here it comes:

So we created Logobama, a place for you to create your own custom Obama logo and use it wherever you want. As Obama says, “we are the change we have been waiting for.” That’s what Obama is representing... someone who wants all of us to participate in changing the world. And together, we can make this change, one logo at a time.

KAR also believes we can make a change, one logo parody at a time. And we will use them wherever we want. Here are my submissions:








*Sniff* Yes, I smell change a-comin'...

A Word With You

In lieu of fisking NonMonkey's 300th column about the 35W bridge (once again carping about the cost of the new bridge based on - for at least the second time - an interview with the owner of a company who lost the bid) I will do one of those dumb internet memes.

This is indeed a rare occurrence. Please comport yourseves with the solemnity appropriate for such a special occassion.

The meme comes via Mitch:

Nothing but one-word answers - and you can’t use any word twice.

1. Where is your cell phone? Sittinginitschargerathome.

2. Your significant other? Hotinathong.

3. Your hair? Onmyheadbutnotonmyback.

4. Your mother? Asaintedwoman.

5. Your father? Nothedmarquettealumnusdenbo.

6. Your favorite time of day? Latemidafternoon.

7. Your dream last night? Notsureifihadadreamlastnight.

8. Your favorite drink? Whiskeyoldfashionedslightlysweetwithcherryorangeandbittersproperlymuddled.

9. Your dream goal? Hugepectoralmuscles.

10. The room you’re in? Imcurrentlyattheoffice.

11. Your ex? Toomanytoriponrightnow.

12. Your fear? Spidersinmypants.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? AtriptoRomemightbenice...

14. What you are not? Iamnotanassnozzle.

15. Your Favorite meal? Ribeyemediummrarewithgarlicmashedpotatoes.

16. One of your wish list items? Countryclubmembership.

17. The last thing you did? Cutandpastedthismemeintomythunderjournaleditor.

18. Where you grew up? Menomoneefallswisconsin.

19. What are you wearing? Shrtpantsunderwearsocksandshoesyoupervert.

20. Your TV is? Fortysixinchsharpaquoslcd1080p.

21. Your pets? Idon'thaveanypets.

22. Your computer? Ihaveadesktopandalaptop.

23. Your life? Hasbeenalmost36yearslongsofar.

24. Your mood? Thismemeisstartingtoannoy...

25. Missing someone? Idon'tthinkso.

26. Your car? Fordtaurus.

27. Something you’re not wearing? Alowrisegstringthong.

28. Favorite store? Lundsorbyerly's.

29. Your summer? Hasjustbegun.

30. Your favorite colour? Green-ilikegreen.

31. When is the last time you laughed? Afteriwrotethatthongcrackinnumber27.

32. When is the last time you cried? Teasrsofjoywhenthebrewersannouncedthattheytradedforccsabbathia.

33. Your health? Ilost15poundsinthelast3months!

34. Your children? Hyperyetfunnyohhandthey'recutetoo.

35. Your future? Morethongsformrsfoot.

36. Your beliefs? Havebeenexhaustyivelyctaloguedonthisthunderjournal.

37. Young or old? Penis.

38. Your image? Arenegademaverickwhoplaysbyhisownrules.

39. Your appearance? IhavebeentoldthatIhave"hauntinglyseductiveeyes"!

40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know? Ithinksobutimnotsureillhavetogetbacktoyouonthatone.


What an easy meme.

Still the Wind and Rain for the One Who Will Be King

Alert Reader Nicko McDave Murray informs me that I have been drafted.

If elected, I will not serve. Instead, I shall choose bacon as my running mate and resign on my first day in office.

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Bell Jar

[Wednesday. Early evening. ANDEE Applecowkee and LearnedFoot (FOOT) are sitting at a table at Billy's - a local St. Paul watering hole - chatting over beers and buffalo wings.]

ANDEE: So I sez too teh guy, I sez "Yoo kan tak yer Ron Pall an shuve him strait up yer adz!!" Heh.

FOOT: That's a nice story, Andy. [Waitress enters; drops a plate of Billy's delicious buffalo wings on the table, and exits] Oooh! Wings are here. Help yourself.

ANDEE: Tahnks butt dose tings giv me gass.

FOOT: Suit yourself. More for me. [Voraciously tearing into wings] OM NOM NOM NOM!

[Enter QUIMBY. QUIMBY ambles smugly over to the table where FOOT and ANDEE are sitting, and begins leering alternately at the wings and at FOOT.]

FOOT: Can I help you?

QUIMBY: I see that you are eating buffalo wings, or as we call them in Colorado, "buffalo wings".

FOOT: Your powers of observation are unparalleled. [Turning attention back to wings] OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

QUIMBY: I don't believe you paid your fair share for those wings...

FOOT: ???????

ANDEE: /////////

FOOT: Um, I believe I did...

QUMBY: No. You did not.

FOOT: Did so.

QUIMBY: Did not.

FOOT: Did so.

QUIMBY: Did not.

FOOT: Did so.

ANDEE: Dido!

FOOT: ???????

QUIMBY: ???????

ANDEE: [Muttering] Dam speel cheker.

FOOT: So tell me then, good sir, what would be "my fair share"?

QUIMBY: More than you're paying for them now.

FOOT: But I'm paying for all of them now.

QUIMBY: True, but you are paying less for them as a percentage of your income.

FOOT: ...

ANDEE: ,,,,,

FOOT: Um. So what?

QUIMBY: Well, see those lowly bloggers sitting over there? Yes? Well, those guys earn half as much as you do. Yet they are still paying the same menu price as you are. Do you think that's fair? Do you think that's justice?

FOOT: Why yes, yes I do. [Grabs a fist full of wings and ostentatiously crams them into his mouth] OM. NOM. NOM. NOM.

QUIMBY: Ah, typical conservative, I see. So unenlightened.

FOOT: [Eying a fork laying on the table] Oh, well! Please enlighten me!

QUIMBY: You see, you can buy those buffalo wings, and still have enough money left over to fuel your Hummer -

FOOT: I drive a Taurus.

QUIMBY: Please don't interrupt me again. You have enough money to spend on other things, necessary or frivolous. But those poor bloggers over there, who are paying disproportionately more for that same plate of wings, will not have as much money left over, because they have less disposable income than you. This is wrong.

FOOT: [Feigning concern] Oh, I see. Whatever shall we do to remedy this grave injustice?

QUIMBY: The way I see it you have two options: either pay for a portion of their wings, or I will take some of your wings and redistribute them to those poor downtrodden, underinsured bloggers.

FOOT: I will take option three.

QUIMBY: Which is?

FOOT: Stabbing you in the neck with this fork until you go away.

QUIMBY: I see that you are a stubborn conservative who insists that he has some right to these wings that you purchased. You have no right to these wings -

FOOT: And I also have no right to stab you with this fork. Yet here we are...

QUIMBY: *sigh* There's no getting through to you people. I guess I'll have to gin up some cherry-picked statistics and lobby the legislature for a new law. [Walks away, musing] "The Chicken Wing Equity act of '09"... no, um, "The Bleu Cheese Dream Act!", that doesn't sound right. Er... "The Quimby Act." Yes that'll do nicely...

ANDEE: Geze. I tought dat guy wood never leaf!

FOOT: Good thing I didn't tell him that I know the manager here and that I get a dollar off all my tabs.

[One of the gathered leftybloggers overhears FOOT's remark. Begins shouting.]

LEFTYBLOGGER #1: SHOCK! WINGNUT BLOGGER GETS SWEET DEAL AT LOCAL BAR!

[Others pipe in with same story. The bar fills with the sound of shouting leftybloggers.]

LEFTYBLOGGER #2: CONSERVATIVE SMEAR ARTIST GETS UNEARNED DISCOUNT AT BILLY'S!!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #3: CURIOUS! BACHMANN SUPPORTING BLOGGER GETS BREAK ON WINGS, BEER! MICHELE BACHMANN LIKELY BEHIND SLEAZY PATRONAGE!!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #4: RIGHT WING BLOGGER HAS COZY TIES TO BAR MANAGER!!! DOES THIS MEAN HE'S GAY????!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #5: PAID REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE LEARNEDFOOT DOESN'T PAY FOR HIS WINGS!!!! DEVELOPING....

FOOT: [Facepalming] I knew I shouldn't have come here.

ANDEE: Troo that.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

When Boobies Fail, Take 2

Gary M. Miller had a good point in the comments section of my earlier post.
The boobies did not fail. The only known shortcoming of boobies is that they are dependent upon their host. It was the brain of this pair's host that failed, not the boobies.

Boobies never fail.

So I went back to FailBlog.org and found proof to the contrary:



The host's brain here also fails, but not as much as that bra.

The Great Sausage Poll of Aught-Eight

MiLFers and Post MilFers:

Check your email.

Everyone:

Once again, we here at KAR are pleased to leave the choice of sausage to be served at the PostMilF Gala and Awards Ceremony™ to you, our readers / detractors /trolls / spammers / hangers on / groupies / general losers. Last year, the Italian was the overwhelming winner. Can it repeat?

Like last year, whatever is determined here will be binding on the PostMilF Hospitality and Decorated Pies committee.

Poll is now up atop the sidebar. One vote per computer per day. No chorizo this year. Sorry.

(And there's still time to get on the MilF / PostMilF roster. Shoot me an email at koolaidreport [at] yahoo [dot] com, and we'll hook you up.)

Friday Bacon Post

* UPDATE: Our favorite new superhero, Bacon Boy, to be imortalized in glass. Mmmmm...glass.

What does a psychotic axe murderer do to wind down after a hard night massacring his family? Why he enjoys a plate of delicious bacon, of course.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

When Boobies FAIL

We have been remiss in adding FAIL graphics, so here's another one. If I didn't know better, I'd think Foot uploaded this video to YouBoob - er, Tube:



failblog.org - a new resource!

I'm Sorry. It Appears That I Owe You a FAIL.

I used the FAIL tag on last night's post, but I inadvertently failed to include a FAIL image.

FAIL!

For all of you FAIL fans out there, I hope that this late - but paid in full - FAIL will make up for my FAIL failure:


OMG!!111!! BRAZEN MAINSTREAM MEDIA BIAS!1!!11!

Why does the Houston Chronicle hate fireworks laws that keep us safe???

Katy teen Stephen Gegenheimer had just bought $50 worth of roman candles and fireworks Monday afternoon and was headed home to set them off in his front yard when he spotted flashing lights in his rearview mirror.

An arson officer with the Houston Fire Marshal's Office told the 17-year-old that he'd violated the law by driving through an annexed area of Houston with fireworks in his trunk.

Gegenheimer was baffled. Fireworks are illegal in the city of Houston, but legal in Harris County. He'd bought his fireworks legally at a stand in unincorporated Harris County and was planning to take them to his house in Katy, a few miles away, where he could legally use them.

But Gegenheimer's direct route from the Wal-Mart in the 1300 block of Fry Road to his house in the 20600 block of Morning Creek Drive passed through a small stretch of Fry Road that has been annexed by the city of Houston, so the officer ticketed him
.


What? You detect no bias?

Have a look at that URL again.

I think in this case, I'll let it slide.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Defense Stipulates All Facts. And You Still FAIL.

As reported in the Soros-funded Minnesoros Independent, the Soros-funded Citizens for Ethics and Responsibility in Republicans Washington has filed an ethics complaint against Norm Coleman for renting a hovel from a GOP lobbyist friend for $600 a month since last July.

And there also was some accusation about Coleman's employment of the landlord's wife. It's as if the CREW crew has never heard of networking before.

Seriously. Those are the facts. That's it.

This apparently, according to CREW violates the gift limit under Senate ethics rules. The complaint (well, really, it's just a fax written in impeccable IRAC form) points to two instances in particular: 1.) Coleman missed 2 nonconsecutive rent payments for November 2007 and January 2008 (say, is Congress in town at the beginning of those two months...?) which were eventually paid; 2.) Coleman's March paycheck wasn't cashed by the landlord for three months. Oh, and to settle one of the months' back rent, Coleman sold the landlord some furniture.

Number of months Coleman has leased from this man: 11

Number of months rent was paid: 11

And the story here is what, exactly? If the landlord was trying to payoff the Senator or give him a side-door gift, what about the other 8 months (2007: July August September October & December; 2008: February, April, May and possibly June) when the rent was paid on time and the checks were cashed. Why November and January? Why hold just the March check? Certainly there can be no other explanation for the 3 relevant months in this casual business relationship?

Not if your a Soros funded hatchet jobber trying to get moonbat liberals elected without having to actually defend your stupid stances on taxation, energy policy and national defense.

Finally, for those barking seal MDE wannabe lefty douchebloggers wondering why the MNGOP is just attacking CREW and not addressing the substance of the charges, it's really very simple.

It's because there is no substance to address.

Is this all ya' got?