Friday, August 29, 2008

On a Personal Note

As someone who is probably more intimately familiar with Palin's chops as a Governor than every other single pundit and Soros-paid blogknob commenting on it (up to and including Eric Black's cherry picked professor) - and I'm not exaggerating about that rather remarkable claim as anyone who knows me knows - I have to say this:

Solid pick. Better than Romney. Better than T-Paw. Waaaaaaay better than Lieberman. She balances the ticket perfectly. Just look at the metrics:

Palin: Solid Conservative (and an overachiever with a low tolerance for bullshit)
McCain: RINO who's often the source of same said BS

Palin: Young
McCain: Old

Palin: Girl.
McCain: Boy

Palin: Hot
McCain: Ugly

McCain: Not Obama
Palin: Not Biden

And I would also submit to both Eric Black and his Random Professor Who Tells Him What He Wants to Hear: 2 years experience as a chief executive is worth more than 30 years as Senator.

Oh, and one more aside: Biden should be scared. She will rip his nuts off in the debates (rhetorically, of course.)

[Loaded question]But what do I know? [/Loaded question.]

IMPORTANT POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT

It is with a heavy heart but an optimistic outlook that I announce today that Bacon has withdrawn from the Presidential race. This decision was not arrived at lightly. Bacon and its staff considered many late-developing factors during this process. In the end, it boiled down to three compelling factors that hastened Bacon's exit from the race:

First, the Vice Presidential nominee announced today, Sarah Palin is hot, and Bacon is reluctant do siphon off votes from her.

Second, she's hot.

Thirdly: no, I mean smokin' hot.

Ms. Palin's nomination presents the first truly acceptable candidate in this important race. Therefore, Bacon's insurgent campaign as a protest candidate has become a nullity. Bacon has expressed to me, his spokeshuman, that he would rather see her comely face and jaw-dropping gams on the TV news every night for the next four to eight (to sixteen?) years than lead the free world. And indeed, who are any of us to disagree.

Therefore, effective immediately, the Bacon for President campaign is suspended. Instead, Bacon plans to remain active in the race by forming the Bacon Caucus (note to IM - we need a logo): a political action committee dedicated to getting a hot tub installed in the Vice President's official residence with live 24 hour web cams. I believe this is a cause we can all unite around.

Bacon would like to extend its gratitude to his staff who have worked long and hard on its behalf. Bacon also wishes the best of luck to Governor Palin and to whomever the hell her running mate is in the final months of their campaign.

Thank you, and God bless America.

Moron Mail...or Jane's Addiction Lyric?

Yes, it's once again time to wade though the nonsensical and the non sequiturs and play

MORON MAIL OR JANE'S ADDICTION LYRIC!!!

Below are four excerpts. Three of them are lyrics from a Jane's Addiction song. One is a genuine letter that appeared in the Strib today. Zero make any kind of sense whatever. See if you can guess which is which. Fun!

Let's begin:

A)

I was standing in the shower thinking about what makes a man. An outlaw or a leader? I'm thinking about power...The ways a man could use it or be destroyed by it. The water hits my neck. And I'm pissing on myself...

Standing in the shower thinking...

Standing in the shower thinking about a man I know don't like me. He don't like the place I'm headed. Same place he's headed...I know he'd beat me to it. If he could but he won't do it. But he would man, if he could.

And the water is piping hot. The water is piping hot. It beats upon my neck, and I'm pissing on myself.

Standing in the shower thinking...

ED BONER, MINNETONKA

B)

Pig mounts sow, when he's wound. Pig's in zen. Pig's in zen. Pig eats shit, but only when he hungers. Pig's in zen. Pig's in zen. Talking about the pig. The pig. The pig - uh Pa-pa-pa-pa-pig. Yeah. Goddamned pig.

ED BONER, MINNETONKA


C)

I don't understand. Sen. McCain made fun of Barack Obama going to Germany and other places but now he sends his wife (a beer distributor's daughter) to Georgia. Perhaps Obama could send Wally the beerman over as a countermove.

ED BONER, MINNETONKA

D)

One come a day. The water will run. No man will stand for things that he had done... Hurrah! And the water will run. One come a day, the water will run. No man will stand for things that he had done... Hurrah! And the water will run... Will Run! Will Run!

Gimmie that! Gimmie that - your automobile. Turn off that smokestack and that goddamn radio. Hum - hum along with me... Hum along with the t.v. Oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh. No one's gonna stop!

ED BONER, MINNETONKA




Stumped? You can find the answer here.

Friday Bacon Post

* Japanese bacon sucks.

* "Someone stole a 40-pack of Labatt beer, seven pounds of butter and two pounds of bacon from an open garage on Cape Henry Trail on Aug. 15 between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m." In totally unrelated news, the menu for the 2009 PostMilF has been set.

* Bacon eating contest raises money for American Heart Association. Wait...what?

* Possible way to make Japanese bacon suck less: chicken-fried bacon.

Please stay tuned to KAR for a very important political announcement...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Parade of FAIL

This DNC puppet parade photo essay is a walking Wide Wide World of FAIL.

Here's a preview:



Oh, the humanity!!1!!!

I eagerly await the awesome puppetry that will be parading here next week. And hilariously mocking it.

Moron Mail

It's a Two-fer Thursday!

One:

Remember the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? In that movie, aliens from outer space would inhabit a human's body when that person fell asleep, changing that person from a loving, caring person into someone who no longer felt love, empathy or compassion for other living things. There appears to be an "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" phenomenon taking place within some Hillary Clinton supporters. Some have said that they would rather vote for John McCain than Barack Obama. Somehow, overnight, these Democrats turned into Republicans.

DOUG "BOGUS BONER DOUG" WILLIAMS, ROBBINSDALE


Remenber the movie "The Stepford Wives"? In that movie uppity spouses were sent off to some facility which turned them into mindless drones reprogramed to bend to their husbands' every whim. There appears to be a "Stepford Wives" phenomenon taking place within the Tic party. They continue to deny that people are individuals while trying to shame them into being a bloc of mindless drones like the rest of the Tics.

[On a rather sad side note, it is depressing to see how far the once beloved "Bogus" Doug Williams has fallen. Once a must read blogger, he has relegated himself to the gutter, first by taking to low rent shots at the Packers and their faithful like a typical spritzer-guzzling illiterate Vikings fan, and now he's writing moronic tripe like this to the Strib. What a shame.]

(And Robbinsdale? WTF? I thought Doug lived in Fridley.)

Two:

Every couple of weeks, when I notice a new ad from Sen. Norm Coleman's campaign, I think, "Could his campaign possibly be more patronizing of and condescending toward Minnesota voters?"

Every couple of weeks, when I notice a new ad from Douchenozzle Al Franken's campaign, I think, "Could his campaign possibly think less of the intelligence of Minnesota voters."

The "Bowlers" ads seemed to imply that Minnesotans are a bunch of smart-mouthed rubes. The ad with Mrs. Coleman suggested that Minnesotans have never heard of computer-generated imagery, and want our senator to play at being a hen-pecked husband.

And your letter confirms that you only get your news from dickheaded local lefty bloggers since that cute little meme was debunked within 24 hours after it was put forward. Maybe I should cut you some slack since it's only been two months since that happened. I suspect you read quite slowly.

Either that, or you simply plug your ears, shout "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU" and ignore any facts or news that doesn't fit into the preconceived notions that have been carefully constructed in your tiny mind by the Tics and their surrogates.

The new spots featuring a precocious little girl who thinks it's easy paying taxes in multiple jurisdictions insult our intelligence on innumerable levels.

Since Coleman comes from the East Coast, has only ever had public employment, had a fancy education and has a lot of rich new friends, he may regard Minnesotans as a bunch of hayseeds in flyover-land.

As opposed to the crass and unfunny New York comedian with the talking fish and the other blatantly dishonest ("Coleman pays $600 for a MILLION DOLLAR D.C. MANSION!!1!!1!!") ads who stole money from a charity to fund his failed Air America "enterprise"? Is this really a road you want to go down?

Hick though I may be,

Actually, you're more like a dumbass...

I'd like the senator to explain to me why I should re-hire him for another six years on our payroll.

Coleman should leave the comedy to the comedian in the race.

Someone's got to do it since the comedian in the race isn't funny.

MIKE HUNT, MINNEAPOLIS

DNC Homeland Insecurity: Police Abuses Ramping Up at Convention

As the Democra[tic] National Convention enters its final day, fears of police overreach with the Crushing of Dissent and the Stifling of Free Speech and the arresting and the hitting and the tazering (flaaaven!) are already being realized. Here in Minneapolis, we are already hearing breathless, pearl-clutching reports from totally "independent" "media" "outlets" of Glorious Citizen Journalists getting hounded by The Man:

On Saturday evening, six people were detained in downtown St. Paul. The group was allegedly photographed, patted down and had its belongings searched without permission. They also said they were asked if they were “militant protesters or anarchists.” (See MnIndy’s coverage, including The UpTake’s video, here.)

***

Three independent journalists from New York City were detained near a bus stop at 27th and Washington St. NE and their reporter’s notes, cameras and computers confiscated. The Minneapolis Police Department initially told the trio that they were stopped because police were investigating several car break-ins in the area. By the end of the detention, the police said “homeland security” concerns and trespassing in a rail yard were the reason they were stopped.

Despicable. Why are Republicans afraid of Citizen Journalists?

And now, today, we learn of this:

Police in Denver arrested an ABC News producer today as he and a camera crew were attempting to take pictures on a public sidewalk of Democratic Senators and VIP donors leaving a private meeting at the Brown Palace Hotel.

Horrendous! Why are Democra[tics] afraid of citizen actual journalists? Who are filming a public spectacle on a public sidewalk? As opposed to trespassing in a rail yard? Sentence fragments?

As the Twin Cities' foremost Citizen Professional Quarterback, I am ill-equipped to answer these questions. But perhaps some intelligent independent Citizen Secret Service Agent can drop us a clue in the comments.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Warped Factor 5

I'm buried in work like Foot, but I felt compelled to put 3:15 aside and laugh at farting. Maybe you should, too.

Open Thread for Haikus

The Sad Haiku of the Idle ThunderJournal

I'm buried under
An avalanche of work.
Someone else post, please.

Gustav About To Come With Full Force


I've seen a lot of Hurricane patterns on the weather channel, usually with female names, but they look a lot different than old Gustav here.

This boy really looks like he's gonna explode all the way to the Rocky Mountains. Get on your rain Gear Texas!

BTW, Gustav is an old Swedish name for, well, er, Staff of the gods:

Gustav or Gustaf is a male given name of Old Swedish origin, means "staff of the Goths," derived from the Old Norse elements Gautr ("Goth") and stafr ("staff"). This name has been borne by six Kings of Sweden, including the 16th-century Gustav Vasa. It is a common name for Swedish monarchs since the reign of Gustav Vasa
---------

Iron Matron adds: Welcome to the KAR "staff," D. Ingle! Speaking of staffs, there's this guy's weather pattern...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Promoting Awareness of Failure

Citizens of the Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul:


What I am about to say to you regarding your respective mayors may shock you, considering the source. For this day I proclaim unto you glad tidings that your condition is not as grave as you once thought, with your twin midgets and their absurd administrations. While you have much to be embarrassed about with the annual tax hikes, lousy poetry opening budget speeches and other stupidities foisted upon you by the two chief executives of your two cities it could be worse.


Much worse.


Much much worse.


Much much much much much much worse.


You could have this guy as your mayor.


For you see, there's enough garden variety stupidity out there to inspire one to break a limb jumping from a gay pride parade float or to cause one complain about how the city is cash strapped moments before announcing the building of several new hundred thousand dollar indoor hockey rinks or arty drinking fountains. But it takes a special kind of dimwit to come up with this plan. To summarize, Seattle's Car Free days entails the closing of random streets on Sundays so that people can walk, bike or play in the middle of those streets to fight global warming or something.


In Seattle.


Where it rains.


A lot.


What could possibly go wrong?


I don't know why someone thought the sidewalks and bike lanes of Seattle were inadequate for walking and biking. I had always assumed that the sole purpose of streets were to accommodate cars, buses and trucks. But then, I am only possessed of the garden variety type of stupidity, so I'm slow to understand how this kind of stupid works.


Apparently, it doesn't work well.


If you click only one link today, please click that one. It's a video clip from local Seattle news broadcast that I happened to catch while raiding the minibar in my hotel room there Sunday night. By the end of it, I was laughing so hard, Mrs. Foot thought I was having a seizure.


Please, please watch the video. Count how many times you faceplam. Personally I counted 9 facepalm moments:


1) Ms. James telling us about how "a lot of energy went in to planning this event". A lot of energy went into closing a street? It must take you people years to do your taxes.


2) Closing streets is the mayor's "plan to encourage people to walk, bike or TAKE MASS TRANSIT." So the buses ran on the sidewalks then? Through back yards?


3) "I think it promotes awareness of...uh...whatever it is we're promoting awareness of." It was at this point I fell to the ground in fits of uncontrollable convulsive laughter.


4) People can't get home because the street's closed. Thanks Mayor FAIL!


5) "I've seen several people move the [road closed] signs and drive through anyway." EPIC FAIL.


6) There were more police offices diverting traffic than actual people." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!1!!!11!!!


7) "The city decided to end the 'event' 2 hours early." Thank God for that vaunted liberal compassion.


8) Q: "Is this a good idea?" A: "Uhhhhhhhhh...maybe in theory. In practice it needs a little work." The most elegantly concise description of liberalism I think I have ever heard.


9) Some residents - you know, the people who live on this street - had their cars towed for Car Free Day. Just think about that one for a moment.




That's 9 facepalms in 2 minute story. One facepalm every 13 seconds. Impressive.



So Mayor Greg Nickels, this one's for you:



Monday, August 25, 2008

What's In A Poll?

It'll be a light ThunderJournal post day as we put the final touches on our Bacon for President booth at the RNC convention (it's hard working around officials and security when you don't have permission).

Enjoy a video from the Onion, who hates polls as much as I do.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday Bacon Post

Foot graciously handed the Friday Bacon Post reins to his assistant ThunderJournalists. Now that we have permission...

The State Fair (Great Minnesota Gut Together) is on, and so is da bacon!!!1!

Offering #1: Big Fat Bacon
1/3 lb slice of bacon fried and carmelized with maple syrup, served on a stick with dipping sauces.

Where:
Located on Carnes Ave. North of the DNR Bldg.


They thought of everything! — Stuff your bacon hole, clutch your chest and drop. DNR is already in place. No need to fill out a health care directive!

Offering #2: Pig Lickers
Chocolate-covered crisp-fried bacon pieces

Where:
Famous Dave's, Located SW of the Grandstand near Chambers St. & Dan Patch Ave.

You'll be making a run for the porcelain chamber pots after that hits the digestive tract.

Bon appetit, mon ami fair-goers!

If any of you KARnies tried one or both of these, write a review in the comments section. Please paint a descriptive bowel movement account and any other bodily function effects of interest.

I Pass the Boats and the Kingdome

As you read this, my plane is probably (since I'm not flying NWA, "probably" is the correct word), landing in Seattle. Right...about...

...now.

So, obviously, no more ThunderJournaling for me today. I hand the reins to the vaunted Friday Bacon Post franchise to my coThunderJournalists for today only. Or if they fail, to you dear reader in the comments appurtenant to this post.

In the meantime, enjoy this Foo Fighters song about walking through Seattle:



Or, if you, like me, prefer the clean and less distorted sound of the studio track while staring at a picture of an album cover, here's the same song, except not live:

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Moron Mail

I was going to fisk this:

The Republican congressional plan to drain America first, led by Michele Bachmann and John Kline, is great political theater for November, but will drastically weaken the United States and make us even more dependent on foreign oil.

Foresight would say that we should conserve the oil we have and maximize our efforts for alternatives. But prudence rarely makes political headlines. The more of our own oil we burn now, the more dependent America will become on undemocratic countries with large reserves, like Russia and Iran. Let's think bigger than a sound bite and beyond the next election.

WES SKOGBONERLUND, MINNEAPOLIS;
RETIRED STATE SENATOR


But I decided against it for 3 reasons.

1) It has already been stated many, many times here and elsewhere that throwing money at alternatives while doing nothing to address the supply problems that affect the present day is tantamount to these elitist enviro-commienazis chastising you for not riding a rainbow unicorn to work until they can perfect an environmentally friendly method of beaming you there;

B) The letter writer is the same guy who vociferously counted himself with those who claimed that the streets would run red with blood because of wild-west shootouts and people trying to open beer cans with their guns if the concealed-carry law was passed. Not only was this wrong, but he remained (and continues to remain) mute on the real senseless killer in Minnesota, that has been operating roughly as long as the concealed carry law has been in effect. Anybody with this nearly impeccable track record of wrongness ought to be ignored, not fisked.

VI) While googling around for some of the letter-writer's past stupid statements, I discovered this Photoshoptacular picture:




OMG -- HE'S STANDING IN FRONT OF A FREAKISHLY ENORMOUS BUSH!!!11!!!!!1!!!!

Laughing so hard...can't finish post...

Wisecracks and photoshops welcome in comments.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

So Filled With WIN

Fark has introduced its new FAIL tag with this vid:


- Watch more free videos

Epic WIN

UPDATE: It appears that the formatting in the embed code is a FAIL. Oh well. Deal with it.

Her Face, At First Just Ghostly

Via Mitch (big white guy), Bob (I like to pronounce his first name "Bahb") Collins (smaller white guy) reports on the self-heralded "diversity" of the Minnesota delegation to the Tic National Convention, who will all be going to Denver to vote for the same guy:

The DFL held a news conference today to tout the diversity of its delegation to the Democratic National Convention in Denver next week. And, no question about it, it's diverse.

"It's one of the most diverse delegations in the country," said delegate David Gilbert-Pederson, 17. That's him standing on the far left in the picture above, next to Sen. Patricia Ray Torres, a Latina, who's standing next to Minneapolis City Council member Robert Lilligren who is a gay Native American, who is standing next to Dr. Josie Johnson, an African American from Minneapolis, who's standing next to Shanti Shah, an Indian American from Eden Prairie. Former DFL Party chair Rick Stafford, who is gay, is shown speaking and Sen. Mee Moua, who is Hmong, hosted the event. Sam Scott of Andover (profiled here earlier) is, obviously, white, but he's also young and is a vet of the Iraqi War
.

Hooray for diversity! Though I find it odd that as yet none of the more prominent (*coff*) local DFL mounthpieces / hatchet jobbers have trumpeted this important achievement. Indeed there's nothing about it at MN Campaign Report (all white), MNPublius (whiter than the Wayzata winter snows) or MNBlue (Whitey white white white.) as of this ThunderJournal posting. Indeed, if you're into irony, Molly "Is It Really White In Here or Is It Just Me" Priesmeyer's new home, Minnesoros (finger quotes) Independent ( White (and gay) white white white white white white white and... white - albeit with an abundance of super hip eye wear) is likewise mum.

[I decline to mention Phoenix Woman here, as she has guarded her anonymity well, leaving us to merely guess at her Diversity Status; which is a risky proposition given that some studies suggest that schizophrenia disproportionately affects certain races and demographics.]

Compare that to the true diversity amongst the constellation of local conservative blogging all stars. To name a few:

Me: Swarthy-Hairy-American (and born with 6 fingers on my left hand!). And as an Irish-Italian Packer fan, I comprise the tiniest minority in this state.

Iron Matron: Cancer-survivor-American

Bill: Pie-Decorating American (not to be confused with GLBT)

The Head of Alfredo Garcia - Meth-Addict-American, possibly from Guam

Xerxes / Ryan - a proud member of the Sphinctorally Challenged Community

And that's just KAR! Over at Fraters, you've got a Tooth-Impaired American (Chad), a Pear-Shaped American (St. Paul) and an Alcoholic (all of them). Nihilist in Golf Pants features a blogger suffering from Dyspeptic Rage Syndrome (the eponymous Nihilist) coblogging with an acerbic Polack (Sisyphus).

So don't be telling me about how a delegation that includes a liberal gay Indian, a liberal female black double-amputee and a liberal Trinidadian immigrant with Asperger's syndrome is diverse. It's just more of the same.

Monday, August 18, 2008

An O-Hole Must-Read



I heart PeoplesCube.

I'm Coming Out

Infinite mea culpas for the feather light blogging lately. I've been super busy at work. And what little time I have left over is being used studying how to play craps. I'm going to Vegas in October, and I've only made one pass line bet in my entire life (which I lost in a matter of seconds, causing me to go back to the blackjack table where I could lose my money in a less efficient fashion). But I really REALLY want to play craps while I'm there because a) the Indian casinos here are prohibited from having table games other than blackjack, and 2) it's called "craps" - as if the game were invented with poopbloggers in mind.

So I've been reading up on craps play online (text, video for example), and am getting pretty well versed in the different betting opportunities, etiquette and terminology. Especially the terminology. Before last week, about the only thing I could articulate about the game was "It rolls the dice against the rail" in a perfect Buffalo Bill impersonation. Now, after literally minutes of intense study, I can put together extremely complex and filthy-sounding sentences, such as:

When the shooter grabs the bones from the stickman and the buck's on inside the rail, I'm putting one in the box and putting free odds on the come while my six is working the hard way, unless there are lay bets, in which case I'll be workin' the easy four and maybe I'll proposition Yo-leven. Come.

It's been a journey. A long, giggle-intensive journey.




Any tips, betting strategies, no-nos, etc. from experienced bonemen and bonewomen are welcome. Come box.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Quite Possibly, the Greatest Thing Ever

Ryan, your wedding gift is on its way.

(Tip o' the pitcher to alert reader Stone.)

Dinnnnnnnnnnnnng. Donnnnnnnnnnng.

Look out, Minnesotans: the clip-boarders from Hell are coming to your 'hood... and won't go away until you comply.

If you're an undecided Minnesota voter, expect a volunteer for Barack Obama's campaign to knock on your door — probably early and often.

The Obama campaign in Minnesota today announced what its leaders described as the largest volunteer effort ever in the state to identify voters' candidate preferences, persuade the undecided to support the Democratic presidential candidate and turn them out to vote.

An estimated one in five voters is undecided, and the Obama campaign will visit them "as many times as it takes to move them," Jeff Blodgett, Obama's Minnesota campaign director, said during a conference call with reporters. "It will be definitely multiple conversations at the door."

To which I will respond with multiple deployments of my pepper spray into their O-holes and say I'm a decided voter for Bacon.

To prevent visits from even starting, KAR recommends ordering your Bacon For President lawn sign and planting it NOW.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The News in Haikus

Cheech and Chong are back.
Plan to tour - um... What? *giggle*
Where are my cheetos?

Some really believe
In abstainence: no sex 'til
WAY after wedding.

Worst cover ever?
Sheryl Crow is bad, but this
Should be on the list.

Oh, no no no no
NO NO NO NO! This is the
Worst cover ever.

Metallica drops
"Unforgiven 3". I dub
Thee uncreative.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Oh, Why Not?

I suppose I could go after the local DFL patsies and bobos who, as if on cue (*coff*), simultaneously tried to resurrect a dead story. But since they couldn't answer the question "what is the fair rental value of a tiny apartment in which the living room doubles as your landlord's call center?" the first time, I have little hope of these pro hoc amateur real estate appraisers addressing the question now. Especially since they seem to have gotten stupider as evidenced by this accusation:

As for Coleman, the optics of having a big-time GOP insider, in effect, providing [Sen. coleman] roughly a few thousand dollars a month in free cable, electricity, and Internet could prove equally problematic. On a more serious level, a utilities subsidy may present an ethics violation.

Who runs the utilities in DC? The Gambino family?

Too easily dispatched. It's the same smear with a new, weak spitball attached. Yawn.

So, since I haven't fisked anything for sport lately, let's mock this:

What does liberty look and sound like? Does it come in the form of a grass-covered bike or an enormous phallic symbol?

I thought those were symbols of the oppressive patriarchy. Liberalism is so confusing.

Is it a giant puppet polar bear puppet that serves as a reminder to global warming? An 11-person bike made from cannibalized cars? Or since it's State Fair time, maybe it's Dick Cheney's head on a stick? At the Liberty Parade along Nicollet Mall on August 31, liberty can be anything you want it to be.

Or maybe it's the ability to laugh at people making asses of themselves.

Yes. I'm positive that's what "liberty" is.

As tens of thousands of protesters plan for events around the Republican National Convention, a nonpartisan group is organizing the art and music parade and festival that asks you to bring "your freak to the streets" and celebrate democracy and civil engagement on the eve of the RNC. Applications for the Liberty Parade have been extended till August 23, which still gives you plenty of time to muster up some liberty-and-justice-for-all inspiration for a parade float, art project or costume.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO IRON MATRON: Start sewing together those Dirty Mushroom costumes.

A part of The UnConvention, which includes art-inspired and thought-provoking

I call bullshit!

events throughout the Twin Cities during the RNC, the organizers of the Liberty Parade shelled out $11,000 to get a permit for the parade (which begins at 1:00 pm on August 31) and subsequent rock show in Loring Park, featuring bands such as STNNNG and Dillinger Four.

OMG!!!1!!!!!11!

STNNNG???

IS PLAYING????

HERE?????

Who the hell is STNNNG?

(It's too bad that I'll be on tour with Deathsk├╝ll while this is going on. STNNNG - what ever it is - would have made a sweet opening act. Possibly.)

Scheduled to appear in the parade are the Missile Dick Chicks, who hilariously mock sexism, consumerism, and opiates for the masses and wear, well, missile dicks,

MULTIPLE CHOICE WISECRACK
(Please select the wisecrack that best mocks the previous line.)

a) Because nothing is more hilarious than a missile dick! Unless you happen to be a tight anus.

b) I think mocking sexism with torpedo dicks might be a tad more hilarious.

c) You want to see a missile dick? I'll show you a missile dick.

d) "Oh look! Dildos wearing dildos! How meta! And hilariously mocking!"

and the Backbone Campaign's Procession for the Future, which is filled with awesome puppetry,

You know, I've seen some good puppetry in my day, but that backbone Campaign puppetry? Wow. Forget about it. That. Is. Some. Awesome. Puppetry.

pageantry, music, and spectacle to express what liberty can look like during what Rev. Lennox Yearwood of the Hip-Hop Caucus calls the "the 21st century's lunch counter moment."

I bet he's a Unitarian.

Thank you. I'll be here all week. With my enormous missile penis.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Moron Mail -- Buffalo Butt Edition

We've all been there: pigging out on hot buffalo wings and beer while watching a meaningless preseason football game only to suffer from the inevitable squishy, red-hot sphincter searing poop the following morning which forces you to soak your toilet paper in aloe vera to make the super messy butt wiping even moderately bearable. I call it "buffalo butt," and - BOY HOWDY! - I have it today.

But even if I didn't, this letter reminds me of it:



Is it any wonder that the McCain campaign and the Republican Party are making fun of Barack Obama's suggestion that American drivers properly inflate their tires?

With proper inflation, we collectively could save 3 percent of our gas, with the resulting savings going directly into the pockets of American drivers. I would rather have $60 saving per year staying in my pocket than going into the already inflated profits of Big Oil.

LEON BONERKNIGHT, BROOKLYN BONER


Would it really, though? Does that proposal assume that everybody is driving with improperly inflated tires? If not, how many underinflated drivers is that 3% figure based on? What if you're already driving with properly inflated tires? Does that mean that on the energy issue Obama is worthless to you? And how sad do you have to be to need a presidential candidate remind you to properly inflate your tires? And isn't there a more comprehensive solution than mere tire inflation levels and throwing money at as yet unproven technologies while making the economy suffer in the interim?


And how sad is it that were are even discussing proper tire inflation on the letters page of the Strib?


As a person who drives with impeccably inflated tires, I say "Huzzah and three cheers for Big Oil and its obscene profits, for they give us gas!" Obama, on the other hand...


Now, for no apparent reason, here's this:






Lest there be any doubts as to who is the real king of poopblogging amongst the Northern Alliance.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Profanity Is Super Sexy And Not Terrible

Given that I load Residual Forces into my browser daily and relentlessly refresh it so that I can immediately read Teh Andee's latest misspelled and syntactically impaired opuses of wisdom and level-headedness, I'm surprised that I missed this. For those of you understandably wary of surfing over to RF and wasting precious minutes trying to decipher just what it is Teh Andee is trying to say, let me summarize:

Sum artikle sez dat teh leftie bloggers are moar profane then righty bloggs, and taht's with KAR dragging teh later down sum.

A columnist for the Washington Times found that (*shocking*) lefty bloggers tend to drop more f-bombs than righty bloggers. Andy thinks this gap would be even larger were it not for us saucy commentators here at KAR.

My first thought upon reading it was that this article will probably force dozens of outraged leftyboogers to reflexively write excessively effenheimer-laden posts like a bunch of children saying "so whatya going to do about it?" while excusing same because they are so angered by the taxcutsfortherich and ourcrumblinginfrastructure and thisillegalandillconceivedwar brought about by the reign of King Chimpee McBushitlerburton. (And if you have enough surplus sanity to look around, I'll bet you'll find that I am right.)

Because - you know - they're clever.

As to our own sins against taste, I can only offer the following excuse: we try to make more artistic use of the bluer words in the lexicon. No profanity for profanity's sake here. We view Naughty Words as more of an aesthetic device than as a gap-filler for blind spots in our vocabulary.

Hope that clears things up. Penis.

Top 11 Notable Attendees at Al Franken's St. Cloud Campiagn Stop

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2. Al Franken

1. Some other guy.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Friday Bacon Post

* Clock radios are dead. Long live clock bacons!

* Apparently, nothing happened in Boston yesterday, so the Globe offers a short article on all the different kinds of bacon there are (BONUS: drool-inducing photo).

* "Moves to cut salt levels in bacon and ham risk increasing potentially fatal cases of the paralysing food bug botulism, the Food Standards Agency has been warned." Salt: is there anything it can't do?

Friday FAIL

St. Paul teen's note to self: when breaking into a vending machine, wait until I get home before partaking in my plunder.
St. Paul police followed a trail of Cheetos in order to nab three teenagers suspected of burglarizing a vending machine. Officers were called to the Arlington Recreation Center on July 29, where they found a vending machine's glass had been broken with a chair.

Most of the candy and chips were missing, according to a criminal complaint in Ramsey County District Court.

The officers followed the orange, dusty trail from the rec center, around the side of the building and to a nearby home. Inside, they found numerous vending-sized bags of Cheetos and other snacks.

Police arrested three males aged 17, 18 and 19 who soon arrived at the home by car. The two adults are charged with third-degree burglary, while the 17-year-old is charged with criminal damage to property.

All three denied being involved, the complaint says.
I can just hear them... "Dude, the dog did it. Look!"

So That's Why It's Called a "Honeymoon"

Our pal Ryan (who occasionally ThunderJournals here as Xerxes) is gettin' hitched today. Because of his special relationship with KAR, Ryan has granted us the exclusive on his wedding photos. Suck it People Magazine!



Being the thoughtful sort, Iron matron took up a collection around the KAR Offices, and we bought the happy couple a knicknack for their love nest, so they will always be reminded of their special day:
Congats to Ryan and his unfortunate bride.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Now that Obnoxious Packer Guy has been traded to the Nihilist in Golf Pants for JB Doubtless, there's not much left to say. So how about an Sisyphus Open Thread™?

UPDATE: Trade's off. OPG failed his physical, and JB refused to report to KAR headquarters, saying that he would never blog with me because I'm a "bed wetting liberal."

Dude is hardcore.

Sisyphus only, please.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Stamp Out IBS

Presumably having solved the energy crisis, one Dem Congressthing has turned his attention to another burning issue:


SEC. 2. INFLAMMATORY BOWEL DISEASE COMMEMORATIVE POSTAGE STAMP.

(a) In General- The Postmaster General shall issue a commemorative postage stamp on the subject of Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, 2 chronic digestive diseases collectively known as inflammatory bowel disease.
(b) Requirements- Such stamp--
(1) shall be issued in the denomination used for first-class mail up to 1 ounce in weight and bear such design as the Postmaster General shall determine; and
(2) shall be placed on sale as soon as practicable after the date of the enactment of this Act and sold for such period of time as the Postmaster General shall determine
.


Because we here at KAR are dedicated to saving the taxpayer dollar wherever possible, we commissioned our own Iron Matron to design this vital new stamp. The Postmaster General is free to use it, free of charge:






You're welcome.


(Tip o' the pitcher to Bubba for the tip.)

OPG: Free Sisyphus




I have long felt sorry for Sisyphus, stuck in that Fraters' B-material-clogged ghetto of a blog, The Nihilist in Golf Pants, since 2004, with a combination of the Stockholm Syndrome and mint juleps blinding him to the evil hell hole that is the Nihilist in Golf Pants franchise.

But now, the scales have fallen from his eyes and he has now come to recognize what an ungrateful and despicable bunch the Nihilist, Misanthropic Frat Boy et alia are. Indications are that Sisyphus would like to end his blogging career with the Kool Aid Report and I say let him do just that. It is the only humane thing to do. Blogging a couple of years with this ThunderJournal won’t make up for 4 with the Nihilist, but it would be a start.

The Nihilist seems to have decided that Sisyphus can’t blog anymore, (relegating him to being the mouthpiece for some obviously fictional Viking fan with the rare ability to form a complete sentence) yet they don’t want him to blog for the ThunderJournal he really wants to blog for. If they really feel that Sisyphus is so terrible that Misanthropic Frat Boy and the Nihilist himself have had to assume the role of point men for the top 11 lists - a Sisyphean invention - they should be happy to see him blog for their chief rivals, KARNation. And maybe then, Sisyphus will have the creative freedom to finally euthanize that awful derivitive character Cynical Vikings Guy.

(As an added bonus, we wouldn't require Sis to wear the Nihilist's Notre Dame thong underwear while composing posts.)

Nihilist's vindictiveness, like Misanthropic Frat Boy's suckitude, knows no bounds.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Sauce for the Gander

[/Brain]

Oh hey! Didja see Phoenix Woman whining about which bloggers were invited to cover the RNC?

Why no, I did not.

Well, no biggie. The ravings of an oblivious lunatic flaming psycho charming woman like PW isn't easy to take for the terminally sane. Oh, sure she takes aim at some local conservative bloggers, barfing out petty insults and ignorant assumptions of fact as always. The post itself was totally unremarkable for her save for the fact that she didn't descend into her typical fellatio-of-some-communist-dictator-via-prose or insipid conspiracy theory for a change.

So, then, why do you mention it?

Well, the interesting part of all this is that shortly after she posted her tripe, our old pal Teh Andee's blog - mentioned specifically by her - got hit by a DOS attack.

You don't say.

I do say. And I think it's safe to say with absolute certainty (because that's all PW requires of herself) that Phoenix Woman aligned with a cabal of fellow dim bulb leftists instigated, orchestrated and carried out this heinous repression of Teh Andee's free speech.

Well, uh... isn't that kind of a kooky -

NONSENSE! I see two independent events, insert my own conclusions based on half-truths, I connect the dots from there, and - joila - I have conclusively proved PW is guilty of shenanigans! Q.E.D.

So you think it's OK to draw connections where none may (but possibly could) exist, make shit up and just blurt out a barrage of casual slanders? Aren't you being just like her? About the only thing you haven't done is cite Mark Gisleson as authority. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?

Sorry. Did you miss the quasi-html tag at the beginning of the post?

In any event: Phoenix Woman intentionally crashed Residual Forces. She should rot in prison.

Ah. I see. How, then, does that explain me - the voice in your head?

I'm a method actor. When I get into character - BABY! - I. Get. Into. Character.

I see. Goodbye.

Ta ta for now.

[Brain]

TYLENOL! I NEED TYLENOL, STAT!

Monday, August 04, 2008

BREAKING: Protesters Plan to Shut Down RNC With Flurry of Ham-Fisted Metaphors and Nonsensical Ravings!

Came across this this morning, purple monkey dishwasher:

On Labor Day, 2008, as the republican horde descends on St. Paul and their sweating souls push the heat to unbearable levels, the renegade reindeer squadron has announced plans to seed the burning clean-coal clouds (tm) above Sector 5 with cold and fluffy justice. What follows below will be the greatest snowswarm in Midwestern h'story.

Conn, sonar: Crazy Ivan!

Calling all abominable snow-people, snow angels, wolfriders, garden gnomes, errant polar bears, woolly mammoths, seals with clubs, and other snow-identified beings: Your time is now. Join the snowswarm in sector 5! Put the freeze on the republocratic agenda! Defend winter before they take it away forever!

ATTENTION SUMMER LOVERS: a high pressure system building over Titicaca will bring moist, humid air dipshitery to the greater St. Paul area in early September. Doppler indicates towering cumulonimbus of too-clever by halfishness resulting an a thunderstorm of insecure narcissism amongst the well heeled sons and daughters of Moonbatia.

***
RNC Delegates: Foul Weather Warning in Sector 5
A MIDWEST SNOWSWARM IS INEVITABLE
***

The cheese is in the gonkulator. The cheese is in the gonkulator.

The advance of our frolicking swarm will be quick and joyous--lasting only long enough to blockade the convention and return I-94 to the earth as a gentle warning to the ecocidal I-69 profiteers who are plowing over homes, farms, and native habitats in Southern Indiana as we speak.

Freaky deeky Vermonters will come to love the chewy nougaty goodness of the Snickers bar of outrage! 'T'will be the most righteous gas asplosion in all of h'erstory!!!

Twin City drivers should respect the wildlife and expect ice hazards. Not the Postville, Iowa, ethnic-cleansing, union-busting, family-splitting, roundups of immigrant workers into corporate concentration camps-type of ICE. Think black ice on cold asphalt waiting for the next occupation convoy to roll through. That's how we do ice.

Snowswarmers should know that the 12 Inches of Smartitude knows an ICE cube, and that he has witnessed the large number of awesome rootin'-tootin', reprobate-bustin', identity theft ring-breakin', White-Slavery-endin' Instruments of Snowstorm Destruction he has been equipped with by the man!!!

As for the cold and fluffy justice dropping from the sky, we know it may be inconvenient, but the snowswarm guarantees that our snowbanks will not foreclose on your home, rob your family, bankroll nazis, or redline your neighborhood. Bring a sled, hop on, and join the fun.

As for the brown and stinky turds falling from your butt, I have nothing to add after that comma 'cuz I just wanted to make the super-easy poop reference!

NOTE: to those who mean to invade the snow globe and undermine our good work, GET OUT' THE POTLUCK! We will turn back your raids and swarm your hog colonies wherever they spawn, be it South Dakota or Minnesota.

BRETT FAVRE IS SAFE! Repeat: BRETT FAVRE IS SAFE! Also, never take kicks out of potlocks by spoiled vegan rich kids yearning for attention at face value. They suck the monkey sperm.

See you in the snowswarm with A Midwest Cluster and the Bash Back Pink & Blue Bloc in Sector 5.

Red yellow green chartruse mauve blois flavor aid fark2 out.

Signed,
The Abominable Snow-PeopleFrom the Midwest, young and restless.
on the matrix: snowswarm [at] riseup [dat] net
###


Farting in Your General Erection,
LearnedFoot and the New Bahamians Featuring the Analog Kid Horn Section, I-Mizzy and Deathsk├╝ll, Metal up Your Butt.
off da hook: koolaidreport [azzy] yahoo [dizzle] com

-30-

Back in the Fold

Obnoxious Packer Guy has rejected our generous offer of beer and sausages in exchange for his silence. We have decided to allow him to post at KAR again. This decision was made easier with the prescience of OPG's last post:

Here's what's going to happen: Favre's going to report to camp and, being no acceptable trade offers, will compete with A-Rodg for the starting position.

Note the latest Favre developments as reported in the Milwaukee Jenitel:

[I]t appears not only will the Packers take Favre back, they will allow him to compete with Aaron Rodgers for the starting quarterback job.

It didn't hurt that OPG closed his post by telling Vikings fans to "suck it." We always love that.

Speaking of Vikings fans, I have come to the conclusion that they may possibly the dumbest group of people on the planet. I have noticed that they fall into two distinct, but equally stupid subgroups:

1) The ones who have spent the last 17 years telling everybody how much they think Favre sucks all of a sudden desperately wanting him in purple; and

2) The ones who have grudgingly respected his game over the years who nonetheless are more comfortable with the skin tube currently serving as the Vikings QB than with the prospect of a first ballot hall of famer who went to the NFC championship last season helming the Vikings, simply because he carries the Packer "taint".

Indeed, one seldom finds worse self-contradictory moronitude outside of leftyblogs featuring talking dogs who think it regrettable that the Declaration of Independence included the part about the "pursuit of happiness."

There. I'm done insulting 90% of my readership.

Anyway, OPG is here to stay, unless the Nihilist is willing to deal Sisyphus for OPG and an undesignated draft pick.

One more note: given this blurb in the above-linked Jenitel article:

The twin-engine Beechcraft King Air 90 carrying Favre landed at Austin Straubel airport at 7:08 p.m. Sunday from Hattiesburg, Miss. At the airport, 200 or so cheering fans lined a fence outside the tarmac and greeted Favre, his wife, Deanna, and Favre's agent, James "Bus" Cook, some waving signs at the gray-bearded quarterback.

...we have upgraded the Favre Alert to Threat Level Orange.


Friday, August 01, 2008

Weekend FAIL Edition

I'd love to see the satellite loop on this guy...



The RNC Convention adds rides for bored delegates...



What do bored elephants do?

A Word from the Managing Editor

As Managing Editor of KAR it is my obligation to address the concerns of you, our valued reader. Many of you have expressed your concerns about the events of this week surrounding our former coblogger, Obnoxious Packer Guy. Several readers seem confused as to his status given that he's posted more since announcing his retirement on Monday than he has over the past year.


The truth is this: OPG has had second thoughts about retiring. He hasn't been able to let go. Those of you familiar with OPG's work know that he's a passionate and fiery writer, so it's only natural that he may have trouble walking away.


That said, we remain committed to the Analog Kid in the role as Primary Packer Ranter. And I'm sure he'll do a fine job with it if he ever gets around to actually posting something. We have been in contact with OPG and have offered him a case of Milwaukee's Best and a 10-pound crate of lanjager if he forevermore ceases blogging. We have not yet heard back from him. I will keep you posted.


On an unrelated note, the KAR Department of Fanciful but Crudely Rendered Graphics has put together a Brett Favre status alert system, so you will always be informed of the quarterback's frequently changing status. (You may recall some of their past work, as seen here.) Today, based on this story, we're at status level yellow:










You can find the Status report on the sidebar until, presumably, Favre dies.

Friday Bacon Post -- Brett Favre Edition

* "Brett ordered the Hungry Boy Special -- two eggs, bacon, sausage, country ham, grits, griddle cakes, fried potatoes and a steaming mug of gravy -- then when Sheila the waitress brought it to his table he told her he was no longer interested in eating."

* People Magazine reports that Brett Favre enjoyed a delicious tomato bacon skewer at a Hollywood sushi joint while he was in town for the ESPY Awards. In related news, there are sushi joints that serve bacon. In other news: apparently People Magazine thinks readers give a shit about what Brett Favre ate while he was in Hollywood.