Friday, October 31, 2008

2008 Strib Endorsement Watch Finale: Breakdown - Go Ahead and Give It To Me

Today the Strib weighs in on 2 Minneapolis School referenda. One is not ratable as it has something to do with districting or some such. The other is easily counted because it relates to a tax levy. As everybody knows, tax hikes = DFL.

VOTE YES: "Strong Schools Strong City" referendum (DFL)

This is a $60 million dollar referendum that is meant to replace the $23 million one that expires next year. Which is kind of like replacing your reliable 2003 Ford Taurus with a 2008 Ford Taurus that costs nearly 3 times as much but does the same thing as the old one.

And thus, we have reached the end of our 2008 Odyssey. The Strib, obviously in the tank for the right wing took a sharp turn toward Naziville this year, as is revealed by the final tally:

DFL - 17 (68%)

GOP - 7 (28%)

"Oh look - a shiny object!" - 1 (4%)

Compared to last year (81% DFL), we do see a slight movement to the right by the Portland Avenue Prophets. Or as noted intellectuals like Phoenix Womyn or Grace Kelly might put it: "OMFG THE STRIB IS SO RIGHT WING WITH A BUNCH OF WINGNUTS TAKING ORDERS FROM KARL ROVE AND HALLIBURTON BLEEEEORRRRGH!!1!!!!1!1!!!1!1" However it is instructive to look behind the data a little bit:

1) In 2008, the Strib pooped out 10 fewer ratable endorsements than 2006. Therefore, even a modest increase (in this case, 1) in GOP endorsements will be seen to have a bigger bump percentage-wise.

2) All of the Minnesota state House races the for which the Strib offered endorsement were in suburban districts. Common sense and history tends to tell us that the burbs lean - and many lurch - GOP. Yet the Strib endorsed 9 DFLers to 4 GOPers in these districts. And why no endorsements in the City districts? Think about it. Why wouldn't the MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE not look at any MINNEAPOLIS House districts? Curious. Developing....

3) Jim Boyd and Steve "Hertz" Berg are gone, meaning two of the biggest intellectual poseurs (a solid DFL constituency if ever there was one) and most degenerate liberals in the state anywhere had no hand in the endorsements. And that means this Strib Editorial Board is probably more accurately described as "less insane" than "more conservative" .

The Strib Endorsement Watch shall return in 2012 (with a token appearance in '10). Until then, remember: when 68% of your endorsements go to the liberal party, that means you are "in the tank for the right wing" on Planet Leftyblogger.

A Challenge

Since they didn't answer the question the first time, yet continue to advance the slur, I will pose the question again of CREW and the other Soros minions (hey MN Indy - don't you have a resident real estate market expert? *snort*) and of anyone even loosely affiliated with the Franken campaign:

How much would you pay for an apartment that had a 10x10 bedroom, a tiny bathroom, a wet bar for a kitchen and a living room that is shared with a boiler room phone center operation?

If it's more than $600, was that more a benefit to Coleman than the possibly tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars these Democrats saved over the term of their loans by getting points shaved off of sweetheart "VIP" loans, that none of you have said boo about?

[Columbo] Oh, one more question: I have a lone unnamed source that says you're all child molesters. Why haven't you turned yourselves in yet? [/Columbo]

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sign Owner Win, Sign Stealer FAIL

This is what I'm talkin' about - creative ways to keep sign thieves at bay.

After Shawn Turschak saw two sets of McCain-Palin signs disappear from his yard within hours of being planted, he took steps to protect the latest pair. On Monday, he ran wires from his house and hooked the signs into a power source for an electric pet fence. Then he mounted a surveillance camera in a nearby tree and wired it to a digital recorder. Tuesday afternoon, the camera saw this: A neighbor trotting up with an Obama-Biden sign, grabbing a handful of volts as he touched a McCain-Palin sign, then fleeing at top 9-year-old boy speed.




Too bad he couldn't up the voltage. I wanted to see some height with the arm fling.

Need More Evidence That Liberals Have Trouble Reading (I Mean, Besides Nutjob Lefty Bloggers)?

More evidence.

2008 Strib Endorsement Watch 5: Down to the Dregs

First, I'd like to address a little controversy that erupted over our endorsement of the Nihilist in Golf Pants for the US House of Representatives, MN-3. It seems that some of his opponents' surrogates were upset that nobody from KAR interviewed the other candidates. To those people, I say: suck me.

Speaking of "suck me" the Tics are still - STILL - bitching about the Strib's (let's not to mention every other paper in the state's) endorsement of Norm Coleman. HOW DARE YOU REFUSE TO ENDORSE OUR VULGAR PUG-FACED CARPETBAGGING TWIT!!!11!!1!!111!

Onward.

The Strib endorsement process is slowly fading out as we turn now to local offices nobody cares about:

HENNEPIN COUNTY COMMISH

District 6: Jan Callison (DFL)

District 7: Jeff Johnson (GOP)

From the endorsement:

Johnson is a business owner, lawyer and former state representative who has demonstrated that he can work effectively with colleagues across the aisle. During six years at the Legislature, where he rose to become assistant House majority leader, he sponsored bills to combat methamphetamine and limit the powers of eminent domain.

Energetic and focused, Johnson would ask tough questions and bring strong understanding of government functions. Though we disagree with him on some tax and transit issues, he would be a thoughtful conservative voice on the board
.

Those tax and transit issues must be why they endorsed Johnson's opponent for Attorney General, Lori Swanson, in '06. Because the Attorney General has a lot of responsibility in regards to, er, taxes and transit.

In any event, I met Jeff Johnson when he was running for AG. Really nice guy. In fact, if you don't like him, I can say with almost near-certainty that you are an asswad.

I can almost feel the bottom of the barrel:

MINNEAPOLIS SCHOOL BOARD

Jill Davis (DFL)

Carla Bates (DFL)

Sharon Henry-Blythe (DFL)

Henry-Blythe is a Democrat but did not seek endorsements.

For our purposes, that does not matter.

So the corporatist, far right-wing, wingnut, Spawns of Dick Cheney HALLIBURTON! totally in the tank for the right-wing Strib Editorial Board, with but one day left (school levy endorsements) have endorsed:

DFL - 16

GOP - 7

"Tell me 'bout the rabbits, George" - 1

I believe that mathematically clinches it for the DFL for the, like, 300th straight year.

The News in Haikus

♪♫I want you-hoo-hoo
To show me the way...to my
Theived Obama signs.♫♪

Cop says HuffPo scribe:
"Obviously was out of
Her mind." Well, duh-uh.

Philadelphia
Phillies win World Series; Their
Phans still Phuckers, though.

But...if you look at
His collar, you'd see it's a
Shadow effect. Jerk.

KAR Exclusive!1!! Obama Infomercial Intro (Not Seen on TV)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Meh.

It Was Called "National Socialism" After All

An alert reader got a shot of Spotty and one of his unidentified comrades leaving Drinking Liberally Conference last week, where they no doubt discussed their plans for the New Glorious Future under the coming Democratic supermajority, and the problems this new regime will face.






Wonder if their conversations yielded any final solutions to those problems.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

2008 Strib Endorsement Watch 4: "I Will Choose a Path That's Clear..." Edition

en-dorse \in-ňądors, en-\ v. 2 a: to approve openly (endorse an idea); ... 2 a: to approve openly (endorse an idea) ; especially : to express support or approval of publicly and definitely (endorse a mayoral candidate)

Let's analyze that definition for a moment. Look particularly at the words "openly," "express," "publicly" and "definitely". From these indicators, we can have little doubt that an endorsement is an affirmative act. Something that is willingly and willfully offered through conspicuous action by the endorser.

Q: What's the opposite of "endorse"?

A: Whatever this is:

All three candidates in the race to replace Republican Jim Ramstad in the Third District are competent. But none inspired the critical mass of confidence required for our endorsement.

In all my years of auditing the Strib's endorsements, I don't think I have ever seen this. A non-endorsement? And if they're not endorsing anyone, why bother wasting (gets out ruler) 14 column inches to say so?

And what is this "critical mass" the SEB speaks of?

(A: Whichever candidate causes Lori Sturdevant to climax whenever his or her name is uttered.)

Since the Strib thinks none of these "competent" candidates is worthy of their endorsement, it falls to KAR to fill the void by endorsing the incompetent Nihilist in Golf Pants for the US House, MN 3rd District. There, now all you Minnetonkans know who to vote for. You're welcome.

Happily, the Strib did include one actual bona fide endorsement today. That corporate newspaper which is so in the tank for the right-wing recommends:

[US House] Sixth District: Elwyn Tinklenberg (DFL)

Let's give El his due: it's hard work crawling over dead bodies, twisted metal and collapsed bridge remains to get an endorsement. Money quote:

Tinklenberg's deep expertise in transportation -- a key issue for this north suburban district -- has already proven a valuable asset.

Valuable indeed. (Who was MNDOT's commish back in 2000 - 2001 again?)

So as it stands today, the running tally of endorsed candidates by party put forth by those corporate whore gun toting right wing ideologues at the Strib is:

DFL - 12

GOP - 6

DEEEERRRRRRRR - 1

Crack the Vote!

ABC News reports that "Joe the Plumber" is hopping the bus to stump for McCain.

It will be the first time Wurzelbacher has been out to campaign for the McCain ticket since he approached Barack Obama some weeks back to ask about Obama's tax policy, and became part of McCain's stump speech.


A logo idea popped into my head, but the People's Cube already beat me to it...



I hear Ryan was kind enough to pose for the logo designer.

Monday, October 27, 2008

2008 Strib Endorsement Watch 3: Cognitive Dissidents

Just like the Masters, Saturday is moving day:

More state House races:

District 53A: Paul Gardner (DFL)

District 56A: Julie Bunn (DFL)

District 56B: Marsha Swails (DFL)

"Hey Swails - fifty bucks you slice!"

And Sunday's for the big hitters:

Prsident: Barack Obama (D[FL])

Yaaaaaaaaaaawnnnn.

US Senate: Nahm Coleman (GOP)

Some of the usual suspects will say are saying that the Strib's endorsement of Coleman proves how right wing that paper has become. Rot. What it really proves is how batshit extreme Franken's supporters are. I mean, how rancid of a candidate do you have to be to run as a Democrat and have your opponent be endorsed on the very same page that Obama was?

Wrap your brain around that one you knee-jerking mouth breathers.

Although in fairness, it would be pretty hard for the Strib to move any further left from their position in 2006, when they endorsed 26 DFLers (81%) to 6 Republicans. Pretty much any movement would have to be to the right.

Onward to the 19th hole: US House

CD 1: Tim Walz (DFL)

CD 2: John Kline (GOP)

Write it down: Kline will be the last GOPer endorsed this year by the Strib. In fact, I'm convinced that the only reason he was endorsed was because they plan on endorsing all Dems for the remaining districts and they want to appear fair. Kline is simply the Republican that causes them the smallest gag reflex.

But we shall see.

Before posting the running tally, I would like to close today's SEW post with an observation from noted sane person, Phoenix Woman:

[Hey, Strib: A]re you now so in the tank for the right wing that you just don’t care any more about things like truth, justice or the American way?

Say... you're not calling them anti-American, are you...?

It’s now official: The only two things worth reading at the Strib nowadays are Nick (not Norm) Coleman’s column and the Sudoku puzzles. And I can read Nick’s stuff online.

Running tally:

DFL - 11 endorsements

GOP - 6 endorsements

2 to 1 in favor of the moonbat party. Sooooo in the tank for the "right wing".

Will No One Rid Me of this Troublesome Poll?

Ha ha! Whoops. Completely forgot about that whole Mayor of the Anti-Strib thang. Sorry. Here are the results:





Mrgaret Marteeen redeems herself, winning the coveted *coff* Anti-Strib mayoral office, by narowly edging out outsiders Ken Weeeeener and Karl "I Hate Everything" Bremmer.



(And you can bet that the strong showing of those two knuckleheads will be brought up again at some time in the future.)



So anyway, here's your Official Seal, Margaret:









Your term starts today and ends whenever you want it to. Yada yada.



I wash my hands of the whole thing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

CSI Pittsburgh

So you've probably heard the story about this assault on a McCain campaign worker. According to the vic's (that's cool detective lingo for "victim"; it is - I saw it on Law & Order) story, a lone big black guy mugged her at knifepoint and stole the cash she just withdrew from an ATM. As he was leaving, he noticed that her car had a McCain bumper sticker, so he turned back to her, beat her up, and carved the letter "B" into her face with his knife.

I don't buy it.

First, there are the circumstances. An armed robbery committed by someone who doesn't want to get caught consists of three elements:


1) Threaten the vic with a weapon.


2) Take their shit.


3) Run.


Here, if we are to believe the vic (God I sound cool when I write that), her assailant observed some heretofore unknown steps:


4) Look at vic's rear bumper


5) Become enraged at something displayed on bumper


6) Administer a beatdown on vic



7) Carve an initial on vic's body.


One wonders whether the ATM at the crime scene was located in a deserted fallout shelter. I mean, this guy just committed ARMED ROBBERY, and he was willing to risk being caught so he could spend a couple more minutes on scene acting out the deranged fantasies of Aaron Landry?


I don't think so.


Second, let's examine the handiwork of the purported perp (that's cool detective lingo for "perpetrator" - as you know from TV, they are very busy people who do not like to waste time by fully pronouncing words). Here's a pic o' th' vic:



Note how the B on her right cheek is backwards; as if it were done in a mirror. Where have we seen that before?

Or maybe the perp carved the B while kneeling on the ground opposite her body while she was laying on her back. That doesn't seem plausible either. Generally, people who are being assaulted with a knife don't cooperate. They squirm, shake, roll around, try to get away, punch, kick, bite or scratch. In short, if a perp wanted to carve something in an unwilling vic's face, he probably would have to subdue or otherwise constrict her movement to do so. Like, say, by kneeling on her torso or shoulders. Of course, if he did that, the B would not have been backwards. That is, unless she was assaulted by a 1st grader.

And, even if the perp did restrain her and did - because of illiteracy or an altered state of mind - carve the B backwards anyway, she still would have been able to move her head or facial muscles to some extent. Whenever Moonchild sticks a knife in my face, I flinch; even if he misses and doesn't hit me with it at all.

Take a look at that B in the picture again. It looks pretty steady. (And it also looks like the product of the world's dullest knife). In fact, I can't draw a better B free hand using a computer mouse and MS Paint, and that's without a panicked woman writhing under the weight of my body:




No matter how hard I try, with any letter:



I'm calling BS on this story. If I'm wrong, my apologies to the vic.


UPDATE: OMG!!! WTF??!?!?!?! COPYCAT!

UPDATE 2: Well that was fast. Man I'm good. Now, we just need to collar Ryan's ass perp.



UPDATE 3: Thanks to Ryan for the idea:




UPDATE 4: Before you drooling leftynozzles get too smug (ha ha! too late!), here's a flashback in two parts.

Strib Endorsement Watch 2008: Part 2

Today we see a shocking turn as the Strib continues to rate state House candidates:

District 42B: Jenifer Loon (GOP)

I'm going to guess that they mistook her surname as a synonym for Democrat.

District 49B: Jerry Newton (DFL)

District 51A: Tim Sanders (GOP)

"Our nod to Sanders amounts to a bet on the come." This is a craps term meaning "he has a good shot at governing like a RINO." More evidence to support that translation: "But Sanders exhibits ... good judgment in avoiding a pledge not to raise taxes."

For the first time ever, I think, The SEB endorsed more Republicans than Tics in a single article. This is an historic moment. But don't get your hopes up. The US House and Senate endorsements will likely be a bloodbath for the GOP.

Running tally:

DFL - 6

GOP - 4

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Government of, by, and for the DFL: Strib Endorsement Watch 3: Revenge of the Sturdevant

Once again it is time for the Strib Editorial Board to descend from the mountain and bestow their revealed wisdom upon us. I, of course, refer to the Strib's annual political endorsements!!!1!!11!!

We may see a paradigm shift in this years picks as this is the first major election since the purging of most of the SEB's most virulent left-wing buttheads from the board in June of 2007. On the other hand, we could see little departure from the monolithic blue slate, given that Lori Sturdevant will almost surely have a hand in the process. I'm looking for 75 to 80% DFLers with a few RINOs thrown in to provide plausible deniability that they are not just another arm of the DFL publicity machine. Also be on the lookout for the tired phrase "out of step with his/her district" to describe any sane GOP candidate running against a batshit insane DFLer in traditionally DFL (read: sense of entitlement) districts. I predict that phrase or some variant of it will be used at least 3 times to justify otherwise unjustifiable endorsements.

NOTE: I will only be tracking state and federal legislative and executive races, and ballot initiatives. No judicial elections, since I believe judges should be appointed and not elected (though I have less of a problem with retention elections). Judicial elections are the single most compelling bit of evidence that Populism is dumb.

Results from 2006 here.

2007 here.

Let's begin:

The Legacy Amendment (A "yes" vote would raise taxes to fund the hobbies of others).

Endorsement: VOTE NO. (GOP)

And once again we see here that there is not tax that the Strib will not -

Wait... what?

*cough*

I can hardly believe this. Have the Pointy Headed Pinheads of Portland Avenue finally achieved lucidity? Have the spirits of Jimmy Jam Boyd and Steve "Hertz" Berg finally been exorcised?

This endorsement is consistent with a (checking to see if I read that right) (rechecking) (re-rechecking) GOP view, so GOP draws first blood.

Onward to the state House:

District 37A: Shelley Madore (DFL, WTF?) I will note here that the Strib's only ding on Madore's challenger is that she's inexperienced and talking-pointy. Or in other words, she's identical to Madore herself when they endorsed her for her first run in 2006.

District 37B: Phillip Sterner (DFL)

District 38A: Diane Anderson (GOP) This endorsement may be shocking, save for the fact that they refused to endorse the incumbent DFLer because she "was among the least active members of the House DFL majority last year, in terms of bills introduced, legislation signed into law and participation in debates." I believe the SEB-preferred term for this is "useless idiot."

More state House races:

District 40A: Will Morgan (DFL)

District 41A: Ron Erhardt (DFL) "What?" you say? Erhardt is a Republican? Rot. When you vote with the other party more than you vote with your own, for purposes of this game, you get counted with the other party. Think I'm being cute? Here's all you need to know about the motive behind the Strib endorsement:

[Erhardt] says he will caucus with the majority party.

District 41B: Paul Rosenthal (DFL)

The tally so far:

DFL - 5
GOP - 2

And remember: except for the ballot initiative, these endorsements were all for South / Southwest Suburban Minneapolis. To endorse 5 DFLers (yes, I'm counting Erhardt as a DFLer, so quit yer bitching) is, excuse the phrase, out of step with those districts.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Let us Break Their Bands Asunder

By now everybody knows about the apparently coordinated vandalism on the homes of several Cities Area Congressmen. At least two of the graffiti (yes, it's "graffiti" not "graffitis". Graffiti is the plural, "graffito" is the singular; would you now please shut up and let me finish the sentence) left contained references to Psalm 2. Because KAR is many people's first stop for cutting edge Bible references (*coff*), here is Psalm 2 for the curious:

Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?

2The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD, and against his anointed, saying,

Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.

He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the LORD shall have them in derision.

Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure.

Yet have I set my king upon my holy hill of Zion.

I will declare the decree: the LORD hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee.

Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession.

Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.

Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth.

Serve the LORD with fear, and rejoice with trembling.

Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their trust in him
.



That was Psalm 2, and here is Jethro Tull's totally kick ass Hymn 43:



That's another song that would have been sweet on Guitar Hero World Tour.

The News in Haikus

Today's misleading
Headline: "Three men sue Lindsay
Lohan for wild Ride."

Man asks library
To ban homosexual
Book. That is so gay.

I'M NOT BEING AN
ASSHOLE. I'M JUST OBSERVING
TODAY'S HOLIDAY.

Don't Make Me Go All Analog on Yer Ass

We've finally gone round the bend on the race-baiting:

The "socialist" label that Sen. John McCain and his GOP presidential running mate Sarah Palin are trying to attach to Sen. Barack Obama actually has long and very ugly historical roots.

J. Edgar Hoover, director of the FBI from 1924 to 1972, used the term liberally to describe African Americans who spent their lives fighting for equality.

Those freedom fighters included the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who led the Civil Rights Movement; W.E.B. Du Bois, who in 1909 helped found the NAACP which is still the nation's oldest and largest civil rights organization; Paul Robeson, a famous singer, actor and political activist who in the 1930s became involved in national and international movements for better labor relations, peace and racial justice; and A. Philip Randolph, who founded and was the longtime head of the Brotherhood of Sleeping Car Porters and a leading advocate for civil rights for African Americans.

McCain and Palin have simply reached back in history to use an old code word for black. It set whites apart from those deemed unAmerican and those who could not be trusted during the communism scare.

Shame on McCain and Palin
.

No, shame on you assbutt. McCain and others are calling Obama a Socialist because he sounds like a Socialist. His quote indicating his desire to "spread the wealth around" was the most elegantly succinct summary of Socialism this ThunderJournalist has ever seen.

This sort of mindless race-baiting is nothing new, and is especially virulent amongst many local single-chromosome lefty bloggers. Reasoning is hard. Silencing opponents with ridiculously inapt loaded slurs is so much easier than thinking.

I, for one, have had enough of this stupidity. Ignoring them doesn't work. Calling them out on their BS doesn't work (these people are notorious for indulging their own prejudices and exploiting their own lack of reading comprehension skills). It's time for some, er, affirmative action. Their insolence absolutely requires a really stupid and futile gesture on somebody's part:

1) When some leftist thug calls you a "racist" (or any other similar protected class victim term) because you think single payer health care will lead to rationing and the degradation of the quality of care or what have you, invite that "person" to say it to your face.

2) Meet with moonbat described in (1), and again invite him call you a "racist" or whatever.

3) When the moonbat calls you a racist, punch him in the balls.

This may not stop their idiotic rhetorical bullshit, but it should be pretty satisfying.

But Foot, what if the moonbat doesn't show up to receive his cockpunching?

Well, then it's a moot point. He obviously has no balls.

What if the moonbat is a chick?

I'm still working out the rough edges of my plan. Now please shut up.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

BOING

A little over 3 months ago, I wrote the following:

Real estate is finite and is the least fungible thing on the planet. No two parcels are the same, and there are only so many places to build. The English knew this in 1100, and it's carried forward to this day. Before Clear Title statutes (mandating that any clouds occurring 60 or so years prior to present day are automatically extinguished) and abstracts, land titles were searched back to the original patent from the U.S. government. We take this stuff seriously. And we go through all that hassle up to and at closings to make sure that that parcel we bought will be OURS with no other claims on it, because it's that precious.

It helps to remember that when you hear some ignorant dingbats shrieking about some coming "housing collapse" portending doom in the year of a presidential election. The amount of buildable land will remain constant, even as the population grows.

California is one of those American locations that exemplifies the twin pressures of population and scarcity of usable land (with the mountains and the canyons and the desserts with the cacti and the stinging scorpions FLAVEN). Look at the bounce the Cali real estate market just experienced:

A real estate tracking firm says home sales in California jumped 65 percent in September from a year ago, as homebuyers seized sharply discounted foreclosed homes and other properties.

Figures released Tuesday by MDA DataQuick show the surge in more affordable homes helped drive the statewide median home price down to $283,000, a drop of about 34 percent from $430,000 in September last year.

In all, 40,317 homes were sold last month. That's up about 6 percent from August sales
.

We're still overbuilt, but at least it appears that we may be starting to catch up. The market is finding its equilibrium.

Was The Master for "Creeping Death" Not Available?

Guitar Hero World Tour drops (can I say "drops" without being considered a hipster doofus? I can't? OK then.) comes out on October 26. I have to say there aren't a whole lot of tracks on it that excite me (indicated in bold or more enthusiastic typeface):

311 - "Beautiful Disaster"
30 Seconds To Mars - "The Kill"
Airbourne - "Too Much Too Young"
The Allman Brothers Band - "Ramblin' Man"
Anouk - "Good God"
The Answer - "Never Too Late"
At The Drive-In - "One Armed Scissor"
Beastie Boys - "No Sleep Till Brooklyn"
Beatsteaks - "Hail to the Freaks"
Billy Idol - "Rebel Yell"
Black Label Society - "Stillborn"
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - "Weapon of Choice"
blink-182 - "Dammit"
Blondie - "One Way or Another"
Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - "Hollywood Nights"
Bon Jovi - "Livin' On A Prayer"
Bullet For My Valentine - "Scream Aim Fire"
Coldplay - "Shiver"
Creedence Clearwater Revival - "Up Around The Bend"
The Cult - "Love Removal Machine"
Dinosaur Jr. - "Feel The Pain"
The Doors - "Love Me Two Times"
Dream Theater - "Pull Me Under"
The Eagles - "Hotel California"
The Enemy - "Aggro"
Filter - "Hey Man, Nice Shot"
Fleetwood Mac - "Go Your Own Way"
Foo Fighters - "Everlong"
The Guess Who - "American Woman"
Hush Puppies - "You're Gonna Say Yeah!"
Interpol - "Obstacle 1"
Jane's Addiction - "Mountain Song"
Jimi Hendrix - "Purple Haze (Live)"
Jimi Hendrix - "The Wind Cries Mary"
Jimmy Eat World - "The Middle"
Joe Satriani - "Satch Boogie"
Kent - "Vinternoll2"
Korn - "Freak On A Leash"
Lacuna Coil - "Our Truth"
Lenny Kravitz - "Are You Gonna Go My Way"
Linkin Park - "What I've Done"
The Living End - "Prisoner of Society"
Los Lobos - "La Bamba"
Lost Prophets - "Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)"
Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Sweet Home Alabama (Live)"
Mars Volta - "L'Via L'Viaquez"
MC5's Wayne Kramer - "Kick Out The Jams"
Metallica - "Trapped Under Ice"
Michael Jackson - "Beat It"
Modest Mouse - "Float On"
Motorhead - "Overkill"
Muse - "Assassin"
Negramaro - "Nuvole e Lenzuola"
Nirvana - "About a Girl (Unplugged)"
No Doubt - "Spiderwebs"
NOFX - "Soul Doubt"
Oasis - "Some Might Say"
Ozzy Osbourne - "Crazy Train"
Ozzy Osbourne - "Mr. Crowley"
Paramore - "Misery Business"
Pat Benatar - "Heartbreaker"
R.E.M. - "The One I Love"
Radio Futura - "Escuela De Calor"
Rise Against - "Re-Education Through Labor"
Sex Pistols - "Pretty Vacant"
Silversun Pickups - "Lazy Eye"
Smashing Pumpkins - "Today"
Steely Dan - "Do It Again"
Steve Miller Band - "The Joker"
Sting - "Demolition Man (Live)"
The Stone Roses - "Love Spreads"
Stuck In The Sound - "Toy Boy"
Sublime - "Santeria"
Survivor - "Eye of the Tiger"
System of a Down - "B.Y.O.B."
Ted Nugent - "Stranglehold"
Ted Nugent's Original Guitar Duel Recording
Tokio Hotel - "Monsoon"
Tool - "Parabola"
Tool - "Schism"
Tool - "Vicarious"
Trust - "Antisocial"
Van Halen - "Hot For Teacher"
Willie Nelson - "On The Road Again"
Wings - "Band on the Run"
Zakk Wylde's Original Guitar Duel Recording

First of all:

"Trapped Under Ice"???? WTF???!!!

Any of the following songs off the Metallica classic Ride the Lightning would have been a much, much better choice:

"Fight Fire with Fire"
"Ride the Lightning"
"For Whom the Bell Tolls"
"Fade to Black"
"Escape"
"Creeping Death"
"The Call of Ktulu"
"The silent parts between each track"

Sheesh. I'd like to know how they came to pick that one.

Second - and more importantly - do you notice anything missing?

No Maiden.

!!!!!!!!!!

DAMMIT, I WAS TOLD "HALLOWED BE THY NAME" WOULD BE ON IT!!!11!11!!

How can you have a game called "Guitar Hero" without including an Iron Maiden track? It should be automatic. Releasing a Guitar Hero game with out a Maiden song is like producing a game called "Pan Flute Hero" and not including any tracks from Zamphir. And what's especially galling is that we are treated with the opportunity to play such shreddable hits from noted guitar-god acts like Fleetwood Mac and Anouk, whoever the hell that is.

Yeah, I'm going to buy it anyway. It comes with a drum kit and microphone just like "Rock Band". The drums would be good for Moonchild.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Cannot Disagree With the Logic, But Still...

The following actual conversation occurred between me and my almost-four year old son Moonchild yesterday while watching the Packer game. It has been only slightly embellished for dramatic effect.

MOONCHILD: Daddy?

LEARNEDFOOT: Yes?

MC: I like football.

LF: I like football too.

MC: I like the Vikings!

LF: YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE!!!!

MC: I liiiiike the Vikings.

LF: What - after all these years of indoctrination and self-discovery, you like the hated Purple?

MC: [Not listening] Can I have some steak?

LF: [Not listening] Even Viking fans hate the Vikings.

MC: Mmmmhmmm. But I like 'em.

LF: Go to your room!

MC: No!

LF: OK, fine. But why do you like the Vikings?

MC: Because they lose all the time.

LF: I just CANNOT BELIEVE than my son - wait... what?

MC: They lose all the time.

LF: I - I... well, uh... OK then.

MC: Can I have some steak now?

Meet the Alternative Boss

JRoosh's term as MOB Mayor has begun with the peaceful transfer of power, which marks the legitimacy of any democratic exercise. I would like to salute Banannanianan for the class and dignity with which he has carried himself throughout his term. Unfortunately, that means he has no hope of ever holding the office again.

Yet there has been much consternation from one corner about the outcome of that election. As Secretary of State for Life, it falls to me to quell the passions of those who feel they've been wronged.

Since the Anti-Strib has enough contributors to advance both a candidacy and constituency of its own, I think it deserves its own Mayor. This Mayor will not have the same broad powers or wide ranging influence of the MOB Mayor, but it will be a distinct parallel governmental entity free to accept of reject the capricious dictates of the MOB Mayor as it relates to them, and them only. All Anti-Strib contributors have been nominated, the polls will close on Wednesday, and the plurality vote getter wins, as I have no desire to rehash the whole month-long nominating process / primary / general election thing again. I'd like to go back to pointing out amusing things like this article I found via Fark as soon as possible:

Gay Pride Festival seeks to raise area's awareness

David Nye and his partner, Dick Hunter -

Wait... what?

Ha ha!

Anyway, poll's on sidebar. One vote for computer / proxy IP per day. Blah blah blah. Etc. etc. As an added bonus, Iron Matron's working on an Official Mayoral Seal. Vote for Sequel.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Comparative Narratives

First, some history:

The MOB Mayoral elections began back in 2005 in reaction to some of the pure stupidity surrounding the St. Paul mayoral contest. You'll recall that Randy Kelly was ousted by Brother of NonMonkey in that election on the basis of nothing more than Kelly's endorsement of George Bush. This apostasy would not be tolerated by the DFL, so Kelly had to go despite being a DFLer with a pretty solid track record running that city.


Obviously, then as now, the main import of the thing was more the story of the process than the outcome. Primarily a vehicle for satire, all kinds of themes popped up both by design (Dementee's November Surprise), and organically (a candidate's surrogate caught red-handed stuffing the ballot box). It was a lot of fun. So we kept doing it.


Because the focus was always on the road, rather than the destination, who ultimately won really didn't really matter. Each year, MOBsters nominated the people they wanted to see singled out for verbal abuse over the next 12 months, or themselves in some vainglorious attempt to - well, I don't know. And each year we were treated to the "campaigns'" over-the-top underhanded electioneering. Always funny. And I didn't have to write anything, which was always a super bonus.


And over the last 3 elections, we have seen different themes to these stories: Bogus Doug's dark horse win in a scandal plagued election; Teh Andee carpet bombing the electorate with sleazy virtual lit drops and his mockup of Kevie Ecker on the cover of "Gay Monkey" magazine (Andee - a link would be appreciated); and who could forget Baniaiaiaiaian boring everyone into submission during his successful bid, in the MOB's only semi-clean election?


Anyone remember what any of those folks did as Mayor? Other than Bogus Doug posting pictures of "his" cute new puppy for sympathy to avoid being impeached, I can't remember a single thing any MOB Mayor ever did. That's because they didn't do anything other than place a hastily rendered graphic on their blogs' sidebars for a year.


We do remember the narratives, though. That's the point.


And this year's narrative failed to disappoint when its climax saw some self-proclaimed conservatives acting like deranged Democrats. To wit:


1) Throwing out accusations of cheating and suppression by the other side where no evidence exists of either other than the fact that their side is losing;


2) Attempting to cheat themselves;


3) When called out on that cheating, calling names and hurling insults - albeit provoked into being by a purposely incendiary post. (Although I do deeply appreciate Jim's call for unity through bacon. That was nice.)


We've seen that pattern on the national scene in every election since 2000. If the pattern holds, I suspect that what follows will be cries of "He's not my mayor!" or "Selected not elected!" However, if I start seeing bumper stickers, that may be the cue to piss on the dogs and call the campfire on this MOB mayor thing. What is certain is that the name-calling and irrational rage over a fictional election will go on by those developmentally-arrested few who will not suffer themselves a fraction of what they dish out.


What does this all mean?


Meh. Hell if I know. I just drive the narrative. You figure it out.


In any event, that leaves us with the results. Roosh was winning big and winning fair before the brazen cheating attempt on Marteeeeen's behalf. And yes, appealing to a high traffic blog with no connections to the MOB - indeed, one that was completely unaware of its existence - to send readers over and pull the lever for a candidate none of them have ever heard of is cheating. It's like importing homeless people from China and bribing them with cigarettes to vote for Barack Obama under phony registrations provided by ACORN. MOB Mayoral historians will recall the 2005 election in which the MAWB Squad got run from the election for less egregious fraud, paving the way for Bogus Doug's ascension to becoming the eventual Jimmy Carter administration of MOB Mayoral politics.


So Roosh wins. Joe the Plumber would have wanted it that way. He gets to display the Great Seal of the Office of Mayor, use the Official Letterhead, take the blame for everything that goes wrong and get gay baited for the next 12 months.


Why anyone would want to be Mayor is beyond me.


Oh, we need to administer the oath. Would Mr. Roosh please stand at the podium and place your hand on the copy of Dave Barry Sept Here please. Repeat after me:


I, [name] do solemnly swear. So help me God.


Congratulations to our new Mayor. The peevishly whiny old mayor shall remove the Great Seal from his blog anon. Mr. Roosh now has control of the seal:


All MOBsters may commence insulting your new mayor. All leftybloggers may commence race-baiting him.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The "Jerkweed" Just Caught Wind...

...And your chances are over.

The lesson here: never, ever insult the Sec State For Life (or his friends). Especially if he already thinks you're a limp-dicked dumbass.

'Grats Roosh!

ON FURTHER REFLECTION: Given their crack-whore unhealthy obsession with this election, I think it's in everybody's best interest if the 49 contributors for Anti-Strib be forever banned from holding the office of Mayor.

Really: don't ever piss me off or insult my intelligence. I'm Italian.

Poop The Vote!

Looks like Stop Poop signs are needed in St. Cloud STAT:

ST. CLOUD, Minn. -- A St. Cloud man, and self-proclaimed John McCain hater, was arrested Wednesday for putting bags of dog poop in the bed of a pickup truck with McCain-Palin stickers.

The owner of the truck said he put McCain-Palin campaign stickers on his truck about two weeks ago. Shortly after, he started finding small bags of dog poop in the back of the truck.

Wednesday morning, the owner’s mother saw a neighbor putting bags of poop in the truck and called police.

David Vandelinden, 45, of St. Cloud was identified as the suspect, and admitted to placing the dog poop in the truck because “he hates McCain.”

Vandelinden was issued a $183 fine for littering and unlawful dumping.

Unlawful dumping. Heh.

KAR could send a sign to King Baniaiaianain (as he lives in the Cloud) to give to the McCain supporter, as long as he promises to say the magic slogan:

video

MOB SECRETARY OF STATE ELECTION SHENANIGANS INVESTIGATION: OFFICIAL REPORT

The soon-to-be former mayor (joining the ranks of such luminaries as Bogus Doug and Andee's Fuzzy Head) has called for an investigation into possible voter fraud in the MOB election. Because we strive for fairness and transparency, we hired an independent counsel from the Hennepin County Attorney's office to conduct the investigation. The following is the report on his findings:



MOB VOTING PATTERNS: A VERY SPECIAL INDEPENDENT REPORT


By: Mike Freeman.

I, the independent counsel investigating matters relating to the MOB Mayoral election, have concluded all inquiries and make the following finding:

NO SHENANIGANS.

The Office of Independent Counsel considers the matter closed.

There. The matter is settled. Another MOB Constitutional crisis successfully averted by your Secretary of State for Life. You're welcome.



UPDATE: Over on one of the short bus blogs, one of the candidates is shrieking:

Breaking: Calls for Independent Investigation of Voter Fraud go unheeded!

She then goes on to link to this Official Report of the Independent Counsel. Cue:


Are You Sure he Was a Bears Fan?

Sports illustrated has it's NFL stadium power rankings out. Based on several different factors such as food quality, tailgating vibe, team quality and fan IQ, was there any doubt which stadium would rank #1?

Best part:

What is the worst incident you have witnessed against an opposing fan or yourself at the ballpark?

"An old man who probably had season tickets since the Hayes administration kept yelling at us to 'Sit down, you kids act like you've never been to a game before? Sheesh.' Well, no, actually, we hadn't, because fossils like that guy have been clutching on to their season tickets year after year and keep out those of us who are actually excited to be there."

"I've seen beer dumped down the opposition's back and wet willies every time the Packers scored."

"Two older women in their late 70s were sitting behind two Bears fans at a Packers-Bears matchup. The Bears scored a touchdown and the Bears fans stood up and cheered. The two old ladies dumped their beers on them when they sat down. Hilarious. The Bears fans didn't know what to do."

"Because people can lose season tickets, very little trouble occurs, in fact, I have seen a Bills fan receive free beers from Packers fans. That doesn't really make up for being a Bills fan, but it is a start."

[Scrolling down...]

[Scrolling down...]

[Dooooooooowwwwwn....]

Ah, there it is. Coming in at #30 - third last - Yoooooour Minnesota Vikings.

Scrolling down past the overpriced ticket rating, mediocre food review, and short bus level fan IQ, we are treated to this:

What is the worst incident you have witnessed against an opposing fan or yourself at the ballpark?

"One man dropped his pants and laid his [Viking, um...helmet] on the head of an opposing fan."
Classy! I bet he was sober too.

"At the end of a game, the throwing of plastic bottles and half-full beer cups at a Chicago Bears fan with Down's Syndrome who wasn't moving as quickly as others toward the exit doors. It was the most disgusting behavior I have ever personally witnessed at a football game."

And judging by the Viking fan IQ rating, the person with Downs Sydrome was probably the most intelligent guy there.

BONUS:

What is your favorite memory from a game at the stadium?

"Tony Dorsett's 99-yard touchdown run."

Good thing SI didn't take the radio play by play guy into account. That would have pushed the Vikes all the way down to 97th place.

(Obnoxious Packer Guy is unavailable to comment, as he has not yet returned from his Thursday morning beer pong league.)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Moron Mail

Poor put-upon ACORN rushes to its own defense by writing a letter to the Strib:

ACORN has just completed the largest, most successful nonpartisan voter registration drive in U.S. history. We helped 1.3 million low-income, minority and young voters across the country register to vote, including more than 42,000 new voters in Minnesota. In order to complete such a massive project, we hired more than 13,000 registration assistance workers.

Any large voter registration operation will have a small percentage of workers who turn in bogus registration forms; their goal clearly is not to cast a fraudulent vote. It is simply to defraud their employer -- in this case, ACORN -- by getting a paycheck without earning it. In nearly every case, ACORN discovered the bad forms and called them to the attention of election authorities, put the forms in a package that identified them as suspicious, encouraged election officials to investigate, and offered to help with prosecutions.

We are required by law to turn in all forms, but instead of just turning them in and figuring that it is the responsibility of the board of elections to figure out which are valid, we spend millions of dollars verifying that forms are valid.

The goals of the people orchestrating these attacks are to distract ACORN from helping people vote and to justify massive voter suppression. That's the real voter fraud. The noise about a small fraction of the forms ACORN has turned in is meant to get the press and public to take their eyes off the real threat.

PETER MOLENBONAAR, ST. PAUL;

CHAIR, MINNESOTA ACORN


Indeed, not only are ACORN's officers defending its actions (why wouldn't a non-profit pay employees by the number of registrations instead of engaging in that old tired tradition of enlisting volunteers?), but some of ACORN's customers have also written letters. Here are a few (with names edited in the usual Moron Mail way):

Dear Whoever:

As busy professionals, we are always on the road and don't have time for the time consuming process of registering to vote. I am glad that ACORN is around to accommodate us, and we are really looking forward to voting in Las Vegas this November.

Sincerely,

THE DALLAS BONER COWBOYS OFFENSIVE LINE

Another:

Sirs:

Thanks to ACORN, voter participation in Indianapolis is going to be at its highest level ever! Because of their efforts, over 100% of this city's residents can now vote in this historic election.

Love,

SOME INDIANBONERAPOLIS GUY

One more:

Hey Minnie: I get to vote this year. Thank you ACORN!

Meeska Mouska,

MICKEY BONERMOUSE

And I just recived this one [emphasis mine]:

Drudge suggests ACORN did something wrong in submitting the registration form in the first place. But ACORN shouldn't be in the position of deciding which registrations are legitimate and which are not; that's why we have elections officials. There are two clear problems with placing that burden on a private organization.

First, private organizations shouldn't make decisions about which forms are submitted because there would be too much potential for wrongdoing in such a scenario - an organization shredding voter registration forms for people attempting to register in the "wrong" party, for example.

Second, it may seem obvious that some forms are illegitimate. That's Drudge's point here - Hahahaha, they tried to register Mickey Mouse! Fools! But here's the thing: there are 32 people named "Mickey Mouse" listed in the White Pages nationwide, including two in Florida[.]

GEORGE BONERSOROS

But wait! What did that ACORN guy write to the Strib again? [Scrolling up to top of post...]

We are required by law to turn in all forms, but instead of just turning them in and figuring that it is the responsibility of the board of elections to figure out which are valid, we spend millions of dollars verifying that forms are valid.

D'oh!

(Oh, and for what it's worth, there's also a Homer J Simpson, two Ned Flanders and a Snidley Whiplash listed in the White Pages.)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Earth to Morons

My goodness but there seems to be an awful lot of traffic coming this way through anonymouse proxy services. If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone is trying to commit election fraud.

Which is dumb seeing as I've already explained that pollhost uses cookies, not IP screening.

Eh. No one ever accused those people of being rocket surgeons. Or literate.

English, motherfuckers - do you speak it?


Wow. That's the second post today in which I dropped the MF Bomb. I must be filled with head-exploding rage.

Oh, and if you're going to go to such elaborate lengths just to help someone else win a parody election, you really ought to get out more, and should definitely restrict your own access to sharp objects. Just a helpful suggestion.

Yes We Can Hope That You Can Believe In Change and the Audacity of Pie


(T.O.T.P to Iron Matron)

And the Jellied Brains of Those Who Remain Point the Finger Right at You

***recomposing self***

It is time to vote in the Most Important October Election in Your Lifetime. Usual place usual rules.

The historical stakes are high. Seventy-two hours from now, David Strom could very well see his dream of becoming the First Lady of the MOB realized.

YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

SO! FULL!!!! OF!!!!!! RAGE!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

QUICK - SOMEBODY GET ME A PUPPY! I NEED SOMETHING TO KICK!!!!!


ARRRRRRGHHH!!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!

SO ENRAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't enraged last week. I wasn't enraged yesterday. I wasn't even enraged this morning. But some people keep telling me that I'm full of rage. And you know what?

THAT ENRAGES ME!!!!!!!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE YOU!

AND I HATE YOU!

AND YOU THERE - YEAH YOU: EATING THAT CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH IN YOUR SQUALID LITTLE CUBICLE WHILE READING THIS! KNOW WHAT?





I HATE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!



DIE!


CHOKE ON MY RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH, WHAT'S THIS NOW????!!!!

SOME DIMWIT THINKS THAT MY HEAD IS EXPLODING?????

Well, I do have a little sinus pressure left over from that cold I had....


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!

ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE WANT TO TELL ME WHAT MY EMOTIONS ARE OR WHAT THE CURRENT RELATIVE PRESSURE STATUS OF MY INTERNAL BODY PARTS IS???????? ANYONE????


DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE MOTHER FUCKER DIE!!!!!



SO.

FULL.

OF....

...


...

*Ahem*

Actually, I feel better now.

Forget what I just wrote here, thanks.

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Farewell to King -or- How to Cheat at Free Online Craps Games in 11 Easy Steps

Bananaman and Marteen have submitted their scores and we have Roosh's opponent. But first, I'd like to extend a heartfelt statement to both of those candidates - well, mostly just Banaiaiaiaiain - regarding your craps play:


You sicken me.


Given the rules you were provided, you could have ran up your bankroll in a very short amount of time. Remember when I wrote this?

(Wavy lines indicating flashback)


The game may be reset as many times as desired...


(Wavy lines indicating return to present.)


In effect, the contestants were given as many "do overs" as they wanted. Meaning the smartest play in a game such as this required very little knowledge of craps at all, and also very little time unless you are really unlucky:


STEP ONE: Find the horn bets. These are the highest paying bets on the layout, and as a very helpful added bonus, they even tell you RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE at what odds they pay out.






STEP TWO: Determine the maximum bet limit each of the horn bets. In this game, the max on deuce or boxcars is $17; on trey or yo-leven it's $35.

STEP THREE: Do math. Upon doing math, you will learn that betting the maximum on deuces or twelves ($17) will get you $510 if you hit that roll. Betting the max on trey or yo-leven ($35) returns $525 at 15 to 1.

STEP FOUR: More math: determine which number is larger: $510 or $525.

STEP FIVE: Conclude that $525 is indeed larger than $510.

STEP SIX: Shit, which bet gets me the $525 again?

STEP SEVEN: Yeah, right: trey or yo.

STEP EIGHT: Bet $35 on EITHER the 3 OR the 11.

STEP 9: Roll.

STEP 10: If the roll wins your bet, STOP. You are now up $525. Worst case scenario: your opponent has thought of the same thing and has also won the same amount, meaning you ought to prepare for the second tiebreaker by brushing up on how to cheat at free online mini-baccarat.

STEP 11: If the roll isn't 3 or 11 (whichever one you bet), then REFRESH YOUR BROWSER, and start your bankroll over at $999. The horn bets are one-roll bets on the next roll, so if the dice show something other than what you bet, you lose on that roll. Repeat steps 8 through 11 until you win.

It's so simple, and takes so little time, you'd think that even a professor of economics could figure it out.

You'd be wrong.

Margaret Marteeeen slaughtered the soon-to-be-former mayor, racking up a robust $457 (and apparently making her 9-point on her last roll) to Banaiaiaian's aenemic and half-assed $50, earning her the right to face off against JRoosh in the general election.

Polls open tomorrow.

Obama, Pie Decorator

This one's for Bill:

Saturday, October 11, 2008

FAIL - Weekend Edition

So many fails, so little time.

I'll take first position, as my candidacy failed to get above 4th place for MOB Mayor. Thanks to those who voted and tried to cheat on my behalf.

Speaking of candidate FAILs, John McCain gets booed for being a weenie and not pwning Obama more on the campaign trail.
As it is, it’s a sad, strange situation to have one candidate forced to stick up for the other candidate in front of his own audience.

Campaign ballot typo FAIL:





I see that our new KAR contributor is also pictured at FailBlog. I show this only to motivate D. Ingle to post more often.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Just Another MOB Election

Before I get to the primary results a couple of notes on the voting process:

1) I've seen a lot of discussion revolving around different methods of stuffing the ballot box. One of them was put forward by somebody who said s/he accessed a bunch of different IP addresses to circumvent the one vote per day rule. For anyone who tried this I have one thing to say:

You are a moron.

You see, the pollhost vote limitation algorithm relies on a cookie, not an IP addy. Cookies go on your computer and stay there no matter what IP address you are using. So, if you lugged your laptop to 15 different Starbucks' in hopes of gaming the system, all you really did was waste a lot of gas and drink WAY too much coffee for one single solitary measly vote. Way to go moron.


I 'm not saying that there might not be some sort of IP screening algorithm in there somewhere, but past experience has shown that we must look to the cookie. In fact, it's likely a combination of the 2.


2) That said, I have noted that in the past, the pollhost cookie algorithm hasn't always worked right, sometimes allowing more than one vote in a 24 hour period, sometimes prohibiting votes cast past the 24 hour dark period. It's a free service. What the hell do you expect?


3) And with that said: even when it is working correctly, 23 hours and 45 minutes is not 24 hours. Wait the full day before bitching, Snowflake.

4) Voting from Blackberry devices has been hit or miss (mostly miss) in my experience. If you voted via one of these things and your vote wasn't counted, join the club.

And now some thoughts on the primary itself:

A) Another bullet dodged: we will not be subjected to another The Andee administration.

B) At some point, we here at KAR are going to learn our lesson and only put forward one candidate instead of splitting the ticket. Yes, Bobo + Iron Matron = FAIL. It's a tried and true losing strategy going on 4 years now.

C) I CALL SHENANIGANS!!!!!1!!1!11!1!!!111!!!!


There is no way - NO WAY IN HELL - that Teaparty got 15 votes without cheating!

Ha ha. I keed. Of course, the question on everyone's mind is:


"How the hell did JRoosh cheat?" And my answer is, "er...duh."


I have no idea. what I do know is that when I went to bed, Roosh had something like 45 votes to Marteen's 50. When I checked this morning, he had about 50 more votes while Marteen only garnered 5 overnight. I have only this to say to Roosh:


Well done, sir. Well done.


Well, if it was really Roosh behind it anyway. I have reason to believe it wasn't since the overwhelming number of overnight referrers came from the same site; a site known for its penchant for pissing off a lot of people though tortured and barely literate prose. I would not be surprised at all if there were some cabal out there who made a concerted effort to undermine that site's chosen candidate.


If that is the true scenario, they failed. Sort of. Which brings us to the primary results:






Yes, Roosh is in! And the second candidate is...


....



YET TO BE DETERMINED!!!!


We have a tie for 2nd place between the incumbent King Bananaman and the aforementioned and possibly screwed Margaret Marteeeen. And as the incredibly astute Professor Jacobs informed us yesterday, this tie must be resolved in some manner.


As Secretary of State for Life, I have devised such a manner. The second candidate will be determined by...


A CRAPS GAME!!!!!1!!11!


(And here I note: it is times like this where I absolutely cherish my role as Secretary of State for Life.)


Here are the rules:


Both Banaiaiain and Marteeeen shall play this online craps game. (Remember that? Yep, nothing on KAR happens without a reason. Except for the poop humor.) They will have until Monday to garner the best score possible in that game. The game may be reset as many times as desired, but note that each contestant will be unaware of the other's score. Once you have a score you're comfortable with, email me a screen shot of the game with your score clearly visible at:

koolaidreport (at) yahoo (dot) com.


The candidate with the highest score (or the smallest loss) faces off against Roosh in the general on Tuesday.


But Foot, I have no idea how to play craps!


Well, you have until Monday to learn. You can start here. I suggest $5 pass line with maximum odds, but that's just me.


Screenshots of your scores to me by NOON MONDAY.


If only all elections were this fun.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

He Blinded Me With Political Science

The MOB Mayoral primary is the most watched political race this week. As such, its importance demands expanded in-depth coverage from a premium ThunderJournal like KAR. To that end, we have drawn on the expertise of the local media's political go-to guy, University of Minnesota political science professor Larry Jacobs to analyze the ongoing primary election.

What follows is my interview with Professor Jacobs.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you for joining us today, professor.

LARRY JACOBS: My pleasure.

FOOT: What are your observations on the race thus far?

JACOBS: Well, this is a fascinating thing to watch. You've got 9 candidates in the primary, and all of them have gotten a certain number of votes. Some have gotten more votes. Others have gotten fewer. But they all have votes, and there are people out there voting for them.

FOOT: Interesting. Can you tell us about some of the specific candidates that stand out to you?

JACOBS: Well, first there's Margaret Marteeeen. Her name appears first on the ballot and, when you place your vote and go to the results page, there's a pretty red bar next to her name. I also like Baniaiaiaian's bright yellow bar. Bobo's green bar strikes me as well, since my favorite color is green.

FOOT: Let's stay on Bobo a second. Bobo has run in every mayoral election ever held, yet has always been met with a tepid response by the electorate despite his overwhelming popularity outside the milieu of MOB politics. How do you explain this?

JACOBS: Bobo is a very interesting candidate in that he is neither human, nor real. We rarely see fictional characters or talking animals run for office in America outside of St. Paul. I think Bobo's candidacy presents a dilemma for the average voter.

FOOT: And that dilemma is...?

JACOBS: Why, whether to vote for him or not, of course.

FOOT: I see. Fascinating. Fascinating. So, what are your predictions for the outcome of the primary?

JACOBS: Keep an eye on Marteeen. She is currently in the lead, and if she holds it, she will be one of the two candidates to advance to the general election. The other candidate to advance to the general election will be the one - now pay attention because this is important - the one with the second highest vote total. Now, here's the rub: it is possible that a candidate could overtake Marteen in the final 24 hours. If that happens, Marteen can still advance to the general, but only if she has the second highest number of votes. So you see, at this point in time, there are two ways she can get the nomination.

FOOT: Wow. That is mind boggling. Do you see any dark horses in this field?

JACOBS: I think Ecker, Bobo, JRoosh, Iron Matron, Baniaiaiain, Teh Andee, and Nightwriter all have a chance to get to the general if - and this is important - if they can get the requisite number of votes to finish in the top 2.

FOOT: What about Teaparty?

JACOBS: He's clearly gay.

FOOT: Well, duh. That's obvious. I mean, do you see him getting the "requisite number of votes" to make the top 2.

JACOBS: He may or he may not. But he could, unless he doesn't.

FOOT: One final question: how do you see the general election shaking out?

JACOBS: Well, predicting anything like that this early in the game is tricky business. But I see the winner getting the highest number of votes in the general election, and getting either the highest number or second highest number of votes in the primary. This is really where the rubber meets the road here, Foot. You see, the winning candidate who will serve as the 4th Mayor of the MOB will have to finish strongly both in the primary and the general election. One or the other won't cut it. For example, a candidate could win the popular vote in the primary, but get blown out in the general and thus would not become Mayor. However, the second place candidate in the primary could finish first in the general and thus win the election. A candidate may also finish second in the primary and second in the general. If that's the case, that candidate also loses. It's a very tricky process, replete with all sorts of perils.

FOOT: What if there is a tie?

JACOBS: If there's a tie, it will have to be resolved in some way.

FOOT: Professor Jacobs, always a pleasure. Thank you for your keen insights into the Most Important MOB Mayoral Election of our lifetime.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Silent But Deadly

Were tacos on the menu at Coon Rapids High School?

Speaking of gas, another house succumbs to a possible blue-flamer.

Speaking of explosions, the "'Splode the Vote" Primary election is on for your next MOB Mayor. See graphic below as your voter guide, and cast your vote for Iron Matron in the sidebar.



Publish Post

I can do that MOB thug thizzle thing better than the other candidates.

Blogrolla Akbar!

Well, that's inetersting.

Blogrolling's been hacked by some Muslims.

Snot -or- How Leftwing Assnozzle Bloggers Are Chilling Free Speech

I have a bitch of a cold. In the past 24 hours, the various cavities in my head have produced roughly forty gallons of mucus.

Speaking of head cavities and mucus, allow me a moment to discuss local lefty bloggers and their chilling effect on free speech.

Because of my cold, I was going to blow off posting today, and instead post an amusing graphic promoting KAR's own Bobo the Talking Chimp in the current MOB Mayoral election. There's this site, that allows you to create an Obama "[blank] we can believe in" poster. In the blank you can put whatever you want, and the site will spit out the image with your words incorporated in the graphic, just like Ha Ha Guy and those ubiquitous mock inspirational posters.

So, I was going to fill in the blank with the phrase "A talking monkey," upload the resulting graphic, caption the post "Vote for Bobo," publish and then go blow my nose for an hour an a half. Well, I got to step 2, and then I realized that if I posted the picture, I would inevitably have to endure a shitstorm from a host of deranged leftybloggers clutching their pearls in faux outrage, screaming "RACIST".

Yeah, out of context, a picture of Barack Obama underneath the words "A talking monkey" would probably be worthy of scorn. In context everybody would get that I'm not referring to Obama. But do you really think Weiner, Bodell, the Wedge, Spot the Toothless Dog and the other drooling snotballs out there would let context get in the way of affirming their ill-conceived notions?

Of course not. They traffic in slander and innuendo because we believe the top marginal tax rate should be 5% less than they do. On that basis they despise us, and therefore we must be marginalized by whatever means necessary, no matter how moronic or dishonest.

So the Bobo campaign's paws are tied. I suppose I could appeal for a sympathy vote?

Anyway here's a free online craps game to play. Courtesy of the Bobo campaign.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

It's on Like a Tampon

The primary election for MOB Mayor has begun over there atop the sidebar. One vote per computer per day. Cheaters will be dealt with in such a manner so as to render their chances of winning as nil.

Candidate profiles here.

NALBS = WIN!

Overconfidence can be a killer. One has to be very careful running smack about one's favorite, say, professional baseball team. Because time and again we've seen a lot of people who don the home team's color's - red and blue, for example - running their mouths in all manner of derogatory ways until a lethal combination of bad luck, misplaced confidence and plain old incompetence drops the hammer and makes them look foolish.

Such as it is with sports betting, with the dangerous exception that there is real money on the line. One cannot get too over confident and start throwing around hundies without carefully calculating the odds and considering all possible outcomes. This was the sort of attitude I brought with me into the sports book over the weekend.

Now, my brother and I spent a lot of time at the craps table. In fact, by our second day in Vegas we were on a first name basis with much of the Monte Carlo craps crew (and here I'd like to give a shout out to Cindy, Bev, Michael and Quiet Jimbo on the stick - you all are consummate professionals). We missed much of the MLB and college football games whilst concentrating on whether to bet double or triple odds on a shooter who looked like he might have potential. Just like Pete Rose, I didn't bet on baseball, so I didn't watch much of that. I'll leave that analysis to others.



Anyhoo - like I said, I wasn't going to get too smug about the NALBS with real money riding on the line. I decided to take a more conservative approach, and merely bet one parlay. The casino decided to force me to pull in further, by taking 3 games off the parlay cards: Cowboys / Bengals, Packers / Falcons / and Steelers / Jags. I had already voluntarily pulled the Vikes / Saints tilt off the board, as I wasn't going to be in town for the Monday night game, and I was reluctant to use the pay-by-mail service, should success warrant.



I also did not make any NALBS plays on lines that moved more than 1.5 points from the line the Nihilist used. I wanted the system to have as much integrity as possible. So, with a limited number of games, I applied the NALBS on the Nihilist's three most rancid picks (out of the 6 or seven possible games left) for a 3-leg parlay, $20. I took the Giants (-7.5), the Bears (-3.5), and the Panthers (-9.5).



Success! All three of those games turned out to be blowouts of epic proportions. I was calculating my payout for that bet by halftime. At 6 for 1, the bet returned me a healthy $120. I also made a separate non-NALBS $20 7-leg money card bet (just pick the winners - no spreads) that returned me $140. Another non-NALBS 6-way teaser for 20 fell just short with the Chargers' loss to the Fins.



I write this post not to brag, or run smack at lesser football bettors. But after first annihilating Flash in a season long football picking contest, devising the NALBS and then using that system and my own to bring home some good sized bling, I think I'm finally vindicated in my view that there is no better handicapper than me in the Minnesota blog-o-sphere.

After all, it's the results that really matter. I'll bet those totally hypothetical smug fans I mentioned in the first graf running their damn mouths all season long only to have their fortunes reverse in three games' a moment's time are pretty damn quiet now. Meanwhile, I'm still spending that money. No disgrace.


Friday, October 03, 2008

The MOB Mayoral Debates -- Debate #5: Final Remarks

Rules? Yeah, we got 'em:

1) The debate shall take place only within the thread appurtenant to this post. Please do not post your debate answers on your blog, since nobody reads it.

2) Only mayoral candidates, the moderator and Sisyphus may post comments in this thread.

3) The candidates shall discuss only the debate topic or question presented in this post.

4) The MOB voters have the right to know the candidates' positions on the vital issues of the day, like the possible sexual proclivities of their opponents. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR LIFE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO STRIKE ANY CANDIDATE FROM THE BALLOT WHO DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PARTICIPATE IN THE DEBATES.

TOPIC: Closing arguments

DEBATE: Insult, debase or speculate on the sexual orientation of your opponents in the vilest manner possible. Let's see if we can keep this thread running until Tuesday, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Polls open next week.

Friday FAIL

If ACORN can register dead voters, we'll put up dead candidates.

More Predictable Than a Cubs Choke Job

Because I already know who I am voting for, I see little reason to watch any debates. So I didn't tune in last night. Watching the World Series favorite Chicago Smugs Cubs getting the living shit pummeled out of them in Wrigley was a way more entertaining use of my viewing time.

Still, I am a little interested in how the debate went. To the internet!

...

Hurray! Palin won.

No, wait...

Boo! Biden won.

Baseball is much more satifying, even when the Brewers couldn't get a hit if they were swinging at a tee.

The internet: still fucking worthless.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

How to Deal With Stupid Interview Questions: A Candidate's Guide

I've been hearing some things about one of Katie Couric's interview questions of Sarah Palin, "What is your least favorite Supreme Court decision?" An incredibly stupid question, it's sort of like asking Katie Couric "which is your least favorite US Code provision?" Despite the Court's long history and vast body of work, you're not going to find a whole lot of people that can name more than 2 or three captions, and even fewer who can describe the holdings.

But it was obvious that the unwatched perky soon-to-be-former anchor already knew the answer before she even asked the question (which, I understand, she also asked of Slow Joe): Roe v Wade. (For the record, Slow Joe cited a Supreme court case that overturned a law he authored.) That incredibly obvious answer does nothing for Palin: the pro-lifers who would vote for her anyway get their satisfaction, and the drooling harpies who wouldn't go hysterical claiming that this woman hates women and she shoots moose.

This is the level of intellect we're up against which is why I am dismayed that we're losing to these people.

I, as a candidate for veep, would have a much better answer:

KATIE: Which Supreme Court decision do you disagree with the most?

LEARNEDFOOT: United States v. Topco.

KATIE: But don't you think that women have the right to - WHA-?

LF: Those of us in the know just call it "Topco".

KATIE: Preposterous, I've never heard of such a case.

LF: Well then, shut up and be educated.

[Eyes roll back into head as I go into law school case recitation mode] Topco related to a group of independent grocery stores that formed a cooperative in order to leverage their collective buying power with suppliers of "store brand" food items. You know, canned vegetables and such. The agreement allowed them to bulk purchase from suppliers at a lower cost for specially labeled products that would allow them to price compete with the big grocery chains in that product market who had the economies of scale to be able to get such bulk discounts on their own. For a store to be included in the cooperative, they had to abide by certain exclusive territories; one store per territory could sell the Topco brand. The Supreme court held that the exclusive territories were a per se violation of the Sherman Act, because, well the court had always previously ruled that exclusive geographical territories were a per se violation. The Court cited in its "reasoning" that while interbrand competition (eg Topco vs. Dole) was increased, intrabrand competition (eg Topco brand sold at store 1 vs. Topco brand sold at store 2) was harmed. This is patently ridiculous since why would these grocers even bother to form such a cooperative in the first place unless they desired to sell a more competitive product? The Court's action did the opposite of what the Sherman Act was intended to prevent, to wit: harm to market competition. The Court here had a golden opportunity to replace the old per se rule of geographical markets - a completely court-constructed standard -with the more appropriate Rule of Reason, and they failed miserably. The result: Topco - a cooperative of small businesses - was prohibited from competing with large, impersonal corporate stores and Middle Class Little Guy who wanted to do right by the small business owner in the community was forced to pay more for his canned peas.

KATIE: Duh...er... huh?

LF: Oh, and Dredd Scott was a pretty rancid decision as well.

See how that worked? Not only did I make the smug and condescending TelePrompTer drone look like a complete fool by erruditely describing an obscure case in a field of law with which most people are unfamiliar, but I also took down 5 or 6 Democrat shibboleths without abandoning my conservative principles in the process. And I took any possible follow up she had planned out of play, since she wasn't expecting such an obscure case. Plus, anyone left (most people) who had absolutely no clue what I just said, will think I'm a really smart out-of the box intellectual, because they have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but it sounds detailed and knowledgeable (which, of course, it is).

Campaigns, please insert this one into your playbook.