Thursday, November 27, 2008

'Twas Thanksgiving Eve

'Twas Thanksgiving Eve, and all through the joint
KARnies sat in our undies, wondering "what is the point?"
The Anal Kid sat, drinking gin in his shorts,
while Xerxes lit farts, with thund'rous reports.
Iron Matron cursed fate as she huffed on her glue,
(and the last that I checked, so was Fleissmeyer, too).
And Foot in his wifebeater prowled the office's halls
cursing our fortunes and scratching his balls.

When out in the parking lot burst forth a noise
(and not of the stinky kind Xerxes enjoys...)
Away to the door we all ran, trudged and crawled,
slipped open the deadbolt and leaned on the wall.
Foot muttered "it's probably some addle-brained punk..."
when something appear'd thru the miasmical funk.

It opened our minds, like coffee stained folders;
A "Light-Worker", being carried on his followers' shoulders.
A dashing young fellow, so carefree it seems,
to be, yet, the vessel of all of our dreams.
And as we rubbed our eyes, and as Learned Foot groused
they came to us quicker than Charlie Sheen running to a Bangkok whorehouse.

"Now Matron! Now Foot! Now Alfredo the Head!
Now Fleisshammer, and...is that V-Toe'd guy dead?...
...it matters not. Tag it and bag it. Just screw it.
It's the season of thanks - so get out and do it!"

Like the hangover dissolving before Ibuprofin
we stirred from our funk, and desisted our loafin'
and to the Light Worker, Foot peevishly went,
looked him in the eye and enounced "Go get bent.
Be thankful for what? Our cash flow's molasses!
And my do-nothing "staff?" They're all just jackasses!"

And there, they both stood, like gunfighters of yore
(except gunfights have shooting, and this was a snore)
as Bill shuffled his feet, and Anal Kid grumbled
and back in rest room, Tucci yelled, cursed and stumbled,
the Light Worker appraised us, hung-over and wan,
and shook his head with disgust, and began:

"Good people - and yes, even all of you guys,
have much to be thankful for! Open your eyes!
There beer! Baseball! Turkey and bacon!
And we've not let institutionalized extragovernmental takin's!
You're healthy! OK - wealthy, wise, not so much,
but it's not a day for miracles, as such.
Anyway - give thanks for the things that you've got!"
Matron: "But what of the things we have not?"

The Light Worker: "Matron, you needn't be snotty.
If nothing else, thank God that you're not like..."

...

...

JOE TUCCI: "What? No ending for the poem?"

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "I got nothing, man. I'm sorry".

LEARNED FOOT: "That's it? All that writing, and you can't find one last damn word?"

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "Nope. I'm out. Total writer's block."

LEARNED FOOT: "Crap. Well, see you all on Monday".

Happy Bacongiving!

From the KAR Kookbook, we give you the tastiest bird evah. Impress the family with Turbaconducken. You may ask, WTF is Turbaconducken? It's chicken stuffed in duck stuffed in a turkey, all wrapped in bacon.

First, grab the ingredients—the most crucial one is 5 pounds of bacon. Then you may grab the birds.



Remove meat from wrapping, then rewrap every piece of meat with bacon. Do the Russian Nesting Doll thing with the fowl (chicken into duck into turkey), then gingerly layer the stuffed turkey with strips o' bacon.




Place in oven and bake all day. A perfect, worry-free way to sit back and watch football. You'll know when it's done. It should look like this:




When you're all done eating it, you should look like this:



By Monday, you should be able to return to work.

Happy Turbaconducken from all of us at KAR.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Quality Family Time

For Thanksgiving this year, I give you one of my favorite meal scenes:



Hercules!

A Timeless Thanksgiving Debate
























Happy Thanksgiving!



Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Bit of Advice for Amateur Law-Talkin' Guys

Some tips from a pro:

1) Don't represent yourself in court if you are clueless:

Paul Merritt, a district judge in Lancaster County, Neb., said he knows of cases in which parents lost custody disputes because they were too unfamiliar with such legal standards as burden of proof.

"The plaintiff rests on his pleadings yerhoner, what ever the hell that means."

2) If you title a blog post "The Law in MN" don't cite a statute from California.

3) To the extent you do cite a Minnesota statute - and this is important - BE SURE TO READ THE WHOLE THING AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS. For example, if you were discussing Minnesota's statute regarding, say 5th degree assault:

Whoever does any of the following commits an assault and is guilty of a misdemeanor:

(1) commits an act with intent to cause fear in another of immediate bodily harm or death; or

(2) intentionally inflicts or attempts to inflict bodily harm upon another.

In that statute, the word "immediate" carries the same import as the words "fear," "bodily harm" or "cause". Meaning, if you are in Stillwater and you direct a hearty "fuck you" via a blog's commenting section to someone in Edina, there are so many different ways that that is not assault in the 5th degree. Paramount among them: even if "fuck you" could be considered a threat, there's no way that any purportedly threatened bodily harm could be immediate from such a distance unless you had in your possession an arsenal of short-range ballistic missiles. In fact, I can't imagine any instance in which telling someone "fuck you" would ever constitute assault, unless you happen to be throwing a punch at that person at the same time.

It's a cannon of statutory construction: the legislature means what it says and says what it means; surplussage or accidental omission of language are not to be presumed. (And the passive voice should never be used.)

4) Failure to observe any of 1 through 3 above, will make you look dumb.

Go forth and sin no more.

Andee Got teh Gunn

Andee's Got a Gun
*Sung to the tune of Aerosmith's Janie's Got a Gun (cheesy midi here)*

Andee's got a gun
Andee's got a gun
Our whole world's come undone
He can't even spell the word "ton"
What are we gonna do?
Who is he gonna shoot?

They say when Andee got his rating
He spelled his name wrong on the form
But man, he had it comin'
Now that Andee's got a gun
RINOs will wish they were never born.

Andee's got a gun
Andee's got a gun
His dog is named Lugnut
He'll accidentally shoot it in the butt
Tell me now its untrue
What is Andee gonna do?

He's gonna jack a few RINOs
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under
(Even though he can't spell "under")
Knew that a Glock was gonna ease his pain

Run away, run away from teh Andee!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Run away, run away from the Andee!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Andee's got a gun
Andee's got a gun
His dog is named Lugnut
Pity that poor little mutt
What did teh Andee do?
Can't tell - he spells like poo

He had to take RINOs down easy
But shooting people is insane
He said cause everyone believes me
Ron Erhrdt's such a sleeze
He just can't shoot RINOs all the same

Run away, run away from the Andee!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Andee's got a gun
Andee's got a gun
Andee's got a gun
Lugnut is on the run

Andee's got a gun
His dog is named Lugnut
Now the pup is on the run (puppy, puppy what's your problem?)
'Cause Andee's got a gun (dude, that just ain't right)
Andee's got a gun (thinks Ron Carey is a knobgobblin)
His dog is named Lugnut (the party moved away from the right)
Andee's got a gun
His dog is named Lugnut
He's got a big beer gut
Andee's got a gun

Monday, November 24, 2008

Observations of Leftist Smiles

Lefty smiles = creepy.

Exhibit A:
Last Friday, I assisted with the Coleman/Franken recount in Minneapolis. Inbetween shifts and inside the break room, I noted Coleman folk were generally pleasant, Franken folk were generally funereal. Especially when Franken lost a vote in one precinct: the looooyers from out of state mastered the art of giving sourpussy.
Did I just write that? Well, it' is less gross than Cleveland Steamer. -ed.


Anyhoo: it's hard to imagine this guy (displaying a combo smilie/frownie) as Senator:



Exhibit B:
MinneSoros Independent & Strib mug shots. Some managed to turn the corners of their mouth upward, others not. It's hard to smile when you've been told to stay quiet. Or else. Click to see bigger smilies.




The StarTribune tried to broaden Nick Coleman's smile to give it a more cheerful effect.



I rest my face -- er, case.

OK, Now I'm Gonna Bring the Noize

Some corners of the local blogosphere (can we change that term? I really hate it. It sounds so Blog House. We need to call it something else. "Online community" is too sterile; "electronica" seems too hipsterish. I'm game for any ideas you may have. Let's retire "blogosphere" and replace it with a new, spiffy term. Until we come up with something satisfactory, I'll just use the word "bidet" in place of "blogosphere". And now that this parenthetical has gone on too long, I will have to start this entire post over. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused and thank you for your patience.)

Some corners of the local bidet have erupted into a fury of personal attacks, the outing of anonymous bloggers, threats of the airing of personal dirty laundry, promises of recriminations and further threats to recriminate any recriminations. Yes the cold November winds have turned the typical rhetorical loogies that are frequently hocked at fellow bloggers in the local bidet into hard icy missiles of eye-gouging acrimony.

And I want in!

I can "out" anony-bloggers and air dirty laundry with the best of em, and I can do so without any fear of serious retaliation. That is, unless someone thinks a couple of speeding tickets is especially scandalous.

*sigh* OK: a few speeding tickets.

And there was that one thing back in college... Oh, never mind.

Anyway I think it's high time to take it to these leftist mouth breathers. Let no stone be unturned! Let no shameful event in some loser's pathetic life remain unpublicized! They deserve it because they voted for different guy than I did!

So as it has come to this, I feel no compunction about taking down - "outing" if you will - a prominent leftyblogger. The safeties are off, no prisoners will be taken! I know that what I reveal here may be shocking or unexpected to some, but it's the absolute truth. Yes, hear now what I say:

Local blogger and former Minnesoros Independent correspondent Andy Birkey is gay!!11!1!1

Ha! Take THAT leftist jagoffs! And you can bet there's more where that came from!

I'm sorry it had to come to this, but the bidet ain't Disneyland pal.

UPDATE: The Minnesoros "Independent's" Editor in Chief Steve Perry has just sent me an email claiming that my outing of Andy Birkey is not such a revelation:

Dear Jerk:

Birkey has been openly gay for a long time. Nice try.

Love,

Steve Perry

PS You are a flaming twit.

A twit? I'm a TWIT???

Oh, them's fighting words. You are on my shit list mister.

More later.

UPDATE 2: You mess with the Foot, you're gonna get the horns.

Using my exceptional talent for google-fu I've discovered some skeletons in Mr. Perry's closet as well. First, apparently Mr. Perry was once a porn star who used the pseudonym "Ben Dover". What's worse, Perry was at one time the lead singer of the 80's crap rock outfit Journey.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both those tidbits are on wikipedia, so you know they must be true.

Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house or were ever associated with Journey...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

FAIL: Weekend Edition

It's not too hard to find a bounty of FAIL this week...

Franken/Coleman Recount: MPR has a pictoral poll that displays the intelligence of MN voters, like this fine example:



MinneSoros Independent "reporter" gets the boot from Coleman's campaign. Again. LOLZ!



While banks and car execs are begging for bailouts, our nation's newly-elected leader is avoiding tough questions and spooning with his homies in Chi-town:

CHICAGO – President-elect Barack Obama grabbed his lunch to go Friday and artfully dodged a question about the auto industry woes he'll inherit.

"We got the corned beef," Obama said as he made his way around the counter at Manny's deli. Asked by a reporter what he thought about the auto industry, he responded with a smile: "I got the corned beef."

And some dessert (which desperately needs Bill's help with decorating)...

Friday, November 21, 2008

The News in Haikus

And the food she ate
Was not so clean. And the worms
Ate into her brain.

Mayor tells ugly
Chicks to go where the boys are.
Herman takes a pass.

Madonna and Guy
Split up. Guy thanks Lucky Star;
She was Borderline.

Barack Obama
Reveals Don't Ask Don't Tell plan:
"Don't hold your breath." Gay.

Jolie makes deal with
People Mag: "Be nice, and I'll
Show you my boobies."

Stocks are like wild sex:
Up down up down up - WHOOPS you
Got it in the ass.

[NOTE: That last one may possibly be the greatest haiku ever written. I beg your ingulgence as I quit while I'm ahead.]

Moron Mail

He forgot to mention the UAW and their insane CBAs:

Who should get our help in tough times? The people who brought us the:

• 1926 Ford Model T
• 1932 Ford Deuce Coupe
• 1939 Lincoln Continental
• 1941 Willys Jeep
• 1955 Ford Thunderbird
• 1956 Chevrolet Nomad wagon
• 1957 Chevrolet Two Door
• 1963 Corvette Stingray
• 1964 Ford Mustang
• 1971 Plymouth Hemi Cuda?

Or banks and insurance companies? Name 10 classic American products from your bank or insurance company.

KEITH BONERS, WAYZATA

Ooooo! I love a challenge. I'll even go one better:

TOP 11 CLASSIC AMERICAN PRODUCTS FROM YOUR BANK OR INSURANCE COMPANY

11. Viatical settlements

10. Certificates of deposit

9. 20-year term life insurance

8. Free toaster when you open an account

7. 30-year conventional mortgage loans

6. TOTALLY FREE CHECKING!1!11!!!

5. Hot bank tellers

4. Passbook savings accounts

3. Accidental death or dismemberment benefits

2. Credit cards that earn you frequent flier miles

1. Compound interest

I'm also willing to bet that your normal personle possesses more things on my list than on Boners'.

(And as a telling side note, you may have noticed that the most recent "great car" the writer mentions last rolled off the assembly lines some 37 years ago.)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST!1!!1!!1

For some reason, our pal Ryan keeps posting pictures of himself on his ThunderJournal. You think he would have learned by now. Here's his latest:




Ryan insists that those are his real ankles, and that this picture has not been photoshopped or manipulated in any way. Please try to change that.
Link to original dirty mushroom pic provided on request.

It Would Be Shellfish for Me to Clam Up About This Scallop Recipe. Mollusk.



OK, tonight I'm going to try this bacon / scallop recipe I came up with earlier this week. If it works, I will share. If not, I'll probably spend my ThunderJournaling time barfing on my keyboard with a bout of Vibrio parahaemolyticus. If that happens, don't wait up for me.

No You Can't Haz Press Pass. Not Yours.

Mitch on the Minnesoros Dependent's unending kvetching about pretend journalists being kept out of Norm Coleman's pressers:

Except that the Minnesoros “Independent” is in no way “independent media”. Leave aside the (accurate, but for our purposes irrelevant) Soros connection; when departing staffers emerge from the Kool-Aid hangover long enough to point out that the “news outlet” that employed them really was a shrill partisan shill - a paid employee of the opposition, in fact - is Coleman and his staff obliged to treat them with the sort of deference and respect that they traditionally pay the Strib, WCCO or MPR?

I would add that you can easily separate "legitimate press" from the astroturfed bought "media" by their reasons for attending such a press conference.

The Strib, the telenets and MPR send reporters to get information that they think their consumers might want some knowledge of. In the current situation, that might be things such as what lawsuits might be filed, reports from the recount offices, how they think the Sec State is handling the whole thing and so on.

Outfits like Minnesoros Dependent and the Uptake don't really care for such mundane things (why should they? The Strib, the Pi Press, the local and some national outlets are already covering that stuff). No, like those creepy campaign workers who follow their candidates' opponents around with a video camera, these people are just looking for a fuck-up. They are far more interested in if there's a booger hanging out of the spokester's nose while he takes questions, or perhaps a major "get" like Norm Coleman accidentally pronouncing his opponent's name as "Al Fagman." When the campaign filed the answer to Franken's latest bullshit lawsuit? Not so much.

This kind of whored out self-degradation is why they can't have nice things.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

This Post Is Brought to You by the Glad® Family of Products

Did you know that the fifth season of Top Chef, sponsored by the Toyota® Rav4™, Gardacil® and Campbell's® Soups, started its run last Wednesday. Neither did I.

I have to plead ignorance (brought to you by Sylvan Learning Systems™). I had no idea that a new season in the Kenmore® Kitchen™ was starting already. But then that's the only show I ever watch on Bravo® any more. Anybody else miss this seminal (sponsored by Viagra® - Viva Viagra!©) episode because of under-exposure (from our friends at Kodak®) to any advance publicity?

Dead Honky

What does Ayman al-Zawahiri and Harry Bellafonte have in common?

They're both Oreo-chucking morons:

Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader used a racial epithet to insult Barack Obama in a message posted Wednesday, describing the president-elect in demeaning terms that imply he does the bidding of whites.

The message appeared chiefly aimed at persuading Muslims and Arabs that Obama does not represent a change in U.S. policies. Ayman al-Zawahri said in the message, which appeared on militant Web sites, that Obama is "the direct opposite of honorable black Americans" like Malcolm X, the 1960s African-American rights leader.

In al-Qaida's first response to Obama's victory, al-Zawahri also called the president-elect — along with secretaries of state Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice — "house negroes."


I think that this is a watershed moment in the War on IslamoCommieNazis. Because there's no greater sin to the left than a racial slur. Hell, we've all become familiar with the local and national (especially the local) single-neuron lefty commentards that'll call you a Nazi simply because you have an opinion different than theirs; even if you're just opining on interstate riparian rights. I think old Ayman's (or as I like to call him, "A-Zaw") deeply stupid comment will inflame the passions of America's left enough to finally start taking the war against al Quaeda seriously. Or at least serve as the impetus to a serious of syntactically-challenged imbecilic blog posts comparing him to Michele Bachmann. In any event, all Americans can once again become united behind the cause of wiping these murderous psychopaths off the face of the earth; the differences between our various definitions of the term "psychopath" having become a nullity.

Fly airplanes into our buildings and bomb embassies? We need to understand why they hate us so much.

Use a racial epithet? Them's fighting words!

On a semi-related note, I wonder if Colin Powell is still a "house negro" after coming out for Obama. Or is he now a "house negro" for the new "house negro"?

Identity politics and race baiting can be so confusing. Maybe that's why those people are so crabby all the time.

Hitler: One Less Ball, Much Less Iron

This UK Sun story ties in with KAR's latest motto (in the green box, top of sidebar):
AN extraordinary account from a German army medic has finally confirmed what the world long suspected: Hitler only had one ball.

War veteran Johan Jambor made the revelation to a priest in the 1960s, who wrote it down.

The priest’s document has now come to light – 23 years after Johan’s death.

The war tyrant’s medical condition has been mocked for years in a British song.

The lyrics are: “Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall. His mother, the dirty b****r, cut it off when he was small.’
...

I don't think that ditty will give us an earworm. Can someone tell me what "B****r" means?

How did he lose a ball? In WWI:
Johan’s friend Blassius Hanczuch confirmed the priest’s account of how the medic saved Hitler’s life. He said: “In 1916 they had their hardest fight in the Battle of the Somme.

“For several hours, Johan and his friends picked up injured soldiers. He remembers Hitler.

“They called him the ‘Screamer’. He was very noisy. Hitler was screaming ‘help, help’.



How our world might have been different if the press and MSM let that news (and song) out.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Facts Are for People Who Don't Know Stuff™

The following is a KAR SimulFisk™, featuring usual suspects LearnedFoot, Ryan and the Head of Alfredo Garcia. Please do not try this at home; we are professionals. Parental discretion is advised.

LEARNEDFOOT: Hai guyz: this may be the dumbest NonMonkey column since the "Great Our Schools Are Burning / Captain Fishsticks Neuron Misfire of Aught-6" (GOSABCFNF06)!

The National Transportation Safety Board is able to explain structural failures. It is not much good at explaining governmental ones.

RYAN: As opposed to journalists with political agendas, who are ALL ABOUT explaining EVERYTHING, even at the expense of truth and logic. Little known fact that's little known and little, the vast majority of journalists, Nick Coleman chief amongst them, have a nebulous grasp on facts, which they mask through their ability to string together words in a somewhat coherent manner so they have the ring of truthiness. Over the years, Coleman has opined/whined about countless topic areas he knows nothing about, usually armed only with the first five Google search results as background information. The man is an intellectual deer tick.


THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA (THOAG): That's the thing about Coleman; he seems to have such faith in this idea that "journalism is above and beyond it all" that he thinks he can not only poo-pooh science, engineering and fact, but demand that we all accept his version of things on...blind faith?


The final report on the Interstate 35W bridge blames the collapse on an obscure bridge designer who, like 13 citizens trying to get home on Aug. 1, 2007, is dead. In effect, the NTSB adopted a conclusion reached days after the collapse by an outside consulting firm hired by Gov. Tim Pawlenty for $2 million -- the exact same cost as a plan to reinforce the bridge that had been rejected by the same administration: "The dead guys did it."

A very convenient theory. But there's one problem: Carol Molnau is still alive.

FOOT: Catch that? Carol Molnau being alive is "a problem".

NonMonkey wishes Carol Molnau was dead!111!1!!!!1

(After years of observing NonMonkey's - and certain leftybloggers' - logic twisting, context-mangling and profferings of imputed motives, I think I'm finally astute enough to give it a try of my own. How'd I do?)


THOAG: You did so well that "Tild" is on the line, and she says she's wearing a thong.


FOOT: Thanks for that mental image. It's like ricin for the soul...

RYAN: You know, it occurs to me; if Pawlenty and Molnau and the evil conservative agenda can be blamed for the I-35 bridge collapse, then doesn't it stand to reason they should be credited for every bridge and expanse that HASN'T collapsed? If so, their track record is simply STUNNING.

LEARNEDFOOT: I think the Pawlenty administration has done a solid job of keeping the Canadian invasion force at bay. We still fly the Stars and Stripes here, baby. Suck it imperialistic Cannuck pigs!

THOAG: If Coleman were a Republican (heaven forefend) he'd write something like "Sure the Canadians haven't invaded - but it's not because Tim Pawlenty spent enough money on repelling them".

On the morning after the bridge collapse, I wrote here that "both political parties have tried to govern on the cheap" and both have scrimped "on the basics." Still true. But the buck stops with the man in the governor's chair, and during six years in office, Tim Pawlenty has stopped billions of bucks designated for crucial highway and bridge projects. He has vetoed three transportation bills, including one that passed over his veto while he was engaged in a yearlong beauty pageant, trying out for Miss GOP V-P, a role that went to Caribou Killin' Sarah Palin.

RYAN: Um, first off, it's MOOSE Killin' Sarah Palin. Second off, what the hell kind of non-sequitur, logic-defying nonsense was that whole paragraph even about? It's like he's throwing literary spaghetti against the wall hoping something will stick.

FOOT: That's right, Ry. Her nickname is Caribou Barbie. She kills moose. Please do try to get your parroted casual slanders straight. Nimrod.

His complaints about being the target of premature and unfair criticism after the bridge fell should be viewed as the posturing of a guy who wants to be a standard bearer for the Republicans and needs to shake the mud off his feet.

FOOT: I'm trying to think of different word that describes "jumping to conclusions with no facts, but with a Republican in office". Help? "Premature factulation" perhaps?

"Partisan douchebaggery"? "Asinine"?

Is it unfair to link the bridge to the infrastructure problems that have grown much larger during Pawlenty's tenure? Hardly.

THOAG: "Infrastructure problems that have grown much larger during Pawlenty's tenure?" Measured how? Has physical entropy itself sped up in the past six years? Because that would be scary.

RYAN: It occurs to me. . . in an attempt to better distinguish my comments from those of Foot and Head, all input from here on will be in limerick form.

Before reading, yet again, about "the Bridge"
You should first grab some beers from the fridge
It's best to be drunk
When reading Nick's junk
Or when having sex with Melissa Etheridge.

Despite his post-Obama-slide conversion to a belief that Republicans need to reach out to moderates, T-Paw has embodied the knife-point anti-government agenda of those who think the best way to shrink government is to prove that it doesn't work. On Aug. 1, 2007, he may have felt the effort had gone a bridge too far.

"Premature?" How about unveiling plans for a new bridge while victims were in the river?

FOOT: You're right. We should have left a big crater where a thoroughfare used daily by tens of thousands of commuters used to be until NonMonkey had the chance to refute the NTSB's findings in print.


THOAG: How about, um, that's his job. He's not an ironworker or a salvage diver; he's a governor.

FOOT: OH! That's right. Thanks for the reminder Head.


How about hiring a firm supposed to investigate independently that ended up partnering with the NTSB and fingering the gussets (before the wreckage was examined)? Premature? A week after the collapse, Pawlenty declared it "unrelated" to any shortcomings in inspection or maintenance.

RYAN: Nick Coleman and the term "premature,"
Conjures mental pictures too gross to endure
A chronic maturbator,
Nick's a quick ejaculator
When viewing pics of Christiane Amanpour.

Fast work, T-Paw.

Reporters found differently: State officials had worried openly that the bridge might fail. Consultants had warned that it needed immediate maintenance. Molnau, Pawlenty's running mate, rejected plans to reinforce the bridge. Instead, MnDOT ordered a cosmetic fix, a repaving project that added about 300 tons to the bridge.


RYAN: Before the most important bridge collapse EVAR,
Nick wrote about the expanse exactly NEVER.
Not once did he detail
The bridge destined to FAIL
Yet now he's an expert. How clever!



FOOT: There is so much misinformation in that paragraph, I don't even know where to begin.

1) These unnamed officials didn't openly worry about the bridge failing. They slated it for replacement in 2020.

2) They didn't reinforce the bridge because that would have entailed drilling holes in the support beams, further weakening the structure and perhaps causing a collapse in its own right.

3) The repaving project was part of a routine maintenance regime.

4) The consultants also said that the bridge had at least ten years of life left in it.

5) You are a jerk.

THOAG: You. Are. A. Jerk.

Oh, wait - I'm jumping ahead of myself.

Follow the bouncing ball: MnDOT rejects a $2 million plan to reinforce a bridge that was deficient, fracture critical and the subject of fretting about a failure, in favor of a heavy repaving project.

THOAG: Oh, crap, now I gotta try this:

"Nick Coleman, the last in his class,
In college gave science a pass.
He went into reporting,
Spent three decades cavorting,
And now just pulls facts from his ass"


More scrimping: The resurfacing went ahead without a precautionary use of ground-penetrating radar that would have shown whether subsurface deterioration had taken place since the last exam, eight years earlier.

RYAN: Nick wields hindsight like a sword,
He can see all the signs left ignored
Yet where was this clown
Before the bridge just fell down?
Don't answer. I'm already bored.

Skipping radar saved $40,000

The radar would have cost $40,000. Instead, the state dragged a chain across the bridge, listening for thumps that might indicate problems. It would have been even cheaper to hire a dowser to check the bridge with a magic wand. And it would have worked just as well.

RYAN:

Yes, Nick's a structural engineer
A skill he picked up in just over a year
He's a jack-of-all-trades
Chock full of FAIL and AIDS
Journalism's not his only career.

THOAG: Closed-circuit message to Nick: Y'know what woulda been a real coup, Nick? If you could have found that a) an actual dowser, rather than a civil engineer, had recommended the chain thing, and b) found some empirical evidence that the chain thingie was actually a worse choice under the circumstances...

...since, y'know, both of them tested the roadway, and the gusset plates that failed were way, way below the roadway, and neither test would have found the fatal error, either in the real world or in yours. Y'know.

No Mere Mortal or Molnau could have kept the bridge from falling. Its doom was sealed at the dawn of time, predicted by Nostradamus, right after he got done inventing gusset plates.

THOAG: Coleman seems to have fun giggling at the word "Gusset". I wonder why?

Foot?

FOOT: I've given up trying to psychoanalyze NonMonkey's weird fixations because I'm not a shrink. Maybe he should give up second-guessing structural engineers for similar reasons.

On the plus side, I now have more time to think about things that make sense, like beer and bacon.

Wow. I pity the fools who live in high-rises built before automatic sprinklers were required by building codes. Man, those people will die fiery deaths! Unless, somehow, you know, the state might require retrofitting? Nah. Too crazy.

FOOT: Oh. My. God.

THOAG: Er, perhaps - and I'm not a journalist, so I'm not an expert on civil engineering or fire codes - but perhaps that's because fires happen all the time, and bridge collapses are, well, kinda rare.

FOOT: There are non sequiturs. And then there are these sort of super-duper non sequiturs that make so little sense that...

Just... wow.

THOAG: I think Nick has discovered the anti-sequitur.

Pawlenty has twisted himself like the bent gusset plate that was photographed and ignored.

LEARNEDFOOT COMPLETES THE THOUGHT: ..By NonMonkey's preferred candidate in the 6th CD, Former MNDOT Lead Gusset Ignorer Elwin Tinklenberg

RYAN:

Yes, a picture taken in 2003
Shows a gusset bent like a knee
But where was Nick then,
That nattering hen,
Could someone please revoke his degree?

At first, he swore off the No Tax Moonshine, saying the state would do whatever it took to ensure safety. But after being blasted by neo-cons for losing his religion, he went back on the sauce: Just a month after the collapse, Pawlenty re-attached his name to a list of "leaders" against any new tax.

My point is: Choices were made in funding, inspecting, maintaining and repairing a bridge that yes, had a design flaw, but stood 40 years and never should have collapsed.

Never. Ever. Collapsed.

FOOT: Should. Have. Never. Ever. Read. This. Column.

THOAG: Is that some journalistic voodoo? "If you write it twice, it's really true?"

The Titanic should have had watertight hatches on top of her compartments. The Hindenburg should have been filled with inert helium instead of explosive hydrogen. The Corvair should have pushed its center of gravity forward a few inches. The USS Juneau should have provided the means to vent a main-battery magazine fire faster to prevent the explosion that killed 90% of its crew, because ocean liners/zeppelins/cars/light cruisers just don't sink after colliding with icebergs/explode/go into uncontrollable spins/explode - or as Nick would say...

...Never. Ever. Sink. After. Colliding. With. Icebergs. /Explode. /Go. Into. Uncontrollable. Spins. /Ex. Plode.

It really is that simple, isn't it?

RYAN:

The Romans built wondrous creations
Bridges and aqueducts with solid foundations.
Yet even those crumbled,
Downward they tumbled,
Human beings can fuck up calculations.

Yes, Tim Pawlenty has a bad case of Potomac Fever, but he is Minnesota's governor and he needs to stop complaining about unfair criticism and take Big Boy responsibility for a catastrophic failure that happened on his watch.

FOOT: Meanwhile the Strib is crashing and burning. NonMonkey is currently a writer for the Strib. THEREFORE the Strib's demise is NonMonkey's fault.

Not using teh brain are fun!!11!!1!1!!

He has not said what any governor must say:

"Minnesota, your government let you down. I am sorry. We did not do our job. There are no excuses."


RYAN:

I could end with a witty limerick
But Nick's column has just made me sick
The man's a disgrace,
A major dickface,
In his ass is lodged a major league stick.

FOOT: A closing haiku

Wise men change their minds
When the facts change. NonMonkey's
Mind changes the facts.

Stupid Is As Stupid Votes

Here's a glimpse of the half of America who voted for The One, by filmmaker John Ziegler. Warning: gulp down a double martini (hold the olives) first:

Monday, November 17, 2008

Goonchild

We talk a fair amount of sports here. From predictions, to betting strategies, to the relative merits of the various sports, to the sexcapades of certain professional football squads, we've covered a lot of sporting turf. So you can take it to the bank as Revealed Truth when I tell you this:

There is no more entertaining sport to watch in the known universe than 4-5 year-old floor hockey.

Moonchild started playing 4 weeks ago - his first "organized" sport. And I gotta say, I'm hooked. There's nothing quite like the adrenaline tweaking frenetic chaos that is 4 and 5 year-olds playing floor hockey. Basically it's a scrum of 10 kids flailing away at a little orange plastic puck, usually hitting nothing other than the other players' ankles. When the puck finally does get free, the kids who aren't left on the floor bleeding or otherwise incapacitated by repetitive blunt-force traumas swarm after it obsessively regardless of their respective positions.

Oh, and then there are the goalies who tend to get bored, so they sit down in the crease and pick their noses most of the time.

Moonchild has taken to the sport remarkably. He flies around after the puck like a roided up linebacker on crack. Sometimes Often he gets a bit too aggressive, and starts hitting, pushing, hooking, slashing, spearing, checking, pulling or tackling the other players. Regardless of which team they're on. He is focused on and has committed himself to a single mission: HIT THE PUCK. Doesn't matter where it is on the floor. Doesn't matter who's in control of it. Doesn't matter which direction he hits it. Just as long as he hits it and none of the other 11 pain-in-the-ass players gets in his way, nobody gets hurt.

Of course, most of the other 11 players on the floor subscribe to the same philosophy. That's what makes the game so fun to watch.

I think he's finally starting to get it. Last week, I had to pull Moonchild out of the game 3 times to yell at him for mindlessly trying to brutalize members of the other team. The third time was especially egregious: some kid did something he didn't like so Moonchild took a swing at his ankles with his stick, tripping the kid. I pulled him over and told him in extremely forceful terms that he needed to dial back his goonery. He indicated compliance and ran back toward the action. As he was on his way to the puck scrum, some kid on the other team cut him off.

Moonchild absolutely leveled that kid with a vicious cross check and just kept on running.

I let it go. If Derek Boogaard can get paid big-time money for doing basically the same thing, who am I to restrict Moonchild's development? And develop he has. In his game last Saturday, Moonchild scored two goals.

One for his team, one for the other team.

At least we're getting somewhere.

GLBT Activists Seek Their Own Doll Store To Compete With "American Girl"

(November 17-KAR News International) Dozens of GLBT activists demonstrated in Minneapolis Saturday protesting the media hype over the new "American Girl" doll store opening at Mall of America. Their message was overshadowed by the Prop 8 protesters, but KAR News found a much more interesting "story within a story."

As protesters gathered at the government center, long lines of eager girls and enabling parents formed at MOA's American Girl store opening to purchase $90 dolls and spend even more on accessories.

Meanwhile in downtown Minneapolis, GLBT activists complained that there are no doll stores that cater to their community. Said one otherly-gendered activist: "I never had a doll that represented me and my sexual preference (which I'm still not sure of). I was stuck playing with trolls."

Other activists vow to open their own store in the Uptown area: "American SheMale." Dolls include adoption papers, including a fill-in-the-blank sexual orientation (erasable ink pen included). One of the more popular dolls is Gay Bob:



Featuring: BALL JOINTED and FLEXIBLE penis. FLEXIBLE hips, elbows, knees, hands, feet and boots. BALL JOINTED neck, shoulders and hips. INTERCHANGEABLE hands, feet and penis. Includes commemorative dog tag, play safe condom for you and the Rebel, official booklet and Certificate Of Authentication. $69.95
The store, located next to Victor/Victoria's Secret on Lake Street, is expected to open in time for the holidays.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Need a Chef

Or at least someone who knows his/her way around shellfish. I have a cockamamie idea that I think might be great, but I don't want to turn my house into America's Test Kitchen only to find myself cited as a cautionary tale by Alton Brown (may peace be upon him) on Good Eats.

If you fit the description, respondez vous in comments por favor. Grazie. Skol.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The News in Haikus

Available soon:
The vibrating toilet seat.
Ryan ecstatic.

Kanye: "I'm the voice
Of this generation." Cops:
"Voice it to the judge."

Facebook removes pages
Of neo-Nazis. Oddly,
Mitch Berg not friended.

Design flaw, loads doom
Bridge. Oberstar claims physics
Has right-wing bias.

Virtual sleuth finds
Virtual adultery.
Then, real divorce.

Vital travel tip:
If you had spicy dinner,
Don't poop in plane's loo.

Another paper
Finds online commenters tend
To be douchey trolls.

For American
Macro-brew swill, you can't beat
New "old" Schlitz. Really.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thus Spake Bennahuma

Damage control! We need damage control STAT!

As we gear up for a new year, the Center for Independent Media is reorganizing in order to save our cash for the 2010 election cycle better fulfill our mission of impacting public debate and advancing George Soros' agenda the common good through quality journalism.

We are streamlining operations with a more centralized editorial system YOU SHALL OBEY to support the entire news network as it grows, with more full-time writers and fewer part-time writers. Our reorganization will allow us to deepen and strengthen coverage of solely republican sex scandals, hypothetical yet unproven Republican corruption, rumor, innuendo and Steve Perry's fevered crap in the states we wish to dominate serve and lay the foundation for expansion to new states in 2009 and beyond.

We are grateful to those useful idiots talented and creative people who have outstayed their usefulness helped us elect Democrats reach our goals thus far, and we look forward to continuing our history of propagandistic excellence in journalism as we grow to meet the demands of the future
.

David S. Bennahum is President & CEO of the Center for Independent Media, which publishes the Minnesota Independent, and is a former Media Matters Senior Fellow.

[Cutesy edits mine]

Good thing I was able to get a hold of the first draft of this "Publisher's Note", otherwise we may have never known that the connections between Media Matters and CIM ran deeper than just the rental of office space, as this totally editable Wikipedia article implies. I mean if you're going to graciously include a section about "criticisms" you should at least get those criticisms right. Nobody said that Media Matters funded CIM. Duh. Media matters isn't in the business of "funding" anything. We merely pointed out that the ties between who funded them and the rather incestuous nature of their personnel moves indicated that neither of these organizations were "independent" and were both founded to accomplish the aims of their far left-wing donors under the guise of detatched "journalism".

That's all. Like I said, good thing Wikipedia is editable. Because it would be a shame to just let that half truth just sit there. You know, unedited.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Adjusting to Life as a 527

Now would be a good time to review Internal Revenue Code section 501(c)(3):

(c) List of exempt organizations

...

(3) Corporations, and any community chest, fund, or foundation, organized and operated exclusively for religious, charitable, scientific, testing for public safety, literary, or educational purposes, or to foster national or international amateur sports competition (but only if no part of its activities involve the provision of athletic facilities or equipment), or for the prevention of cruelty to children or animals, no part of the net earnings of which inures to the benefit of any private shareholder or individual, no substantial part of the activities of which is carrying on propaganda, or otherwise attempting, to influence legislation (except as otherwise provided in subsection (h)), and which does not participate in, or intervene in (including the publishing or distributing of statements), any political campaign on behalf of (or in opposition to) any candidate for public office.

(Emphasis and super-duper emphasis mine).

The Center for Independent Media is a 501(c)(3) org.

Let's go back and have a look-see at what two of those soon-to-be Minn-"dependent" alumni had to say regarding their editorial direction from the higher ups. Priesmeyer:

I feel like we were hired to be nothing more than shills for their platform under the guise of a mission focused on creating journalism that was "independent" and for the "common good." If I had been told I was a shill for the Democrats, I never would've written for the site. I guess that's why the CIM told editors and writers that our job was to write about major issues, like the economy and housing, that were important to local readers.

Freelancer Britt Robson:

However, Robson — who writes about arts for MinnPost and sports for The Rake — was caustic in his view that MnIndy's Capitol overlords. He says CIM's national staff was less interested in the organization's professed mission — "a nonpartisan nonprofit organization that operates an independent online news network in the public interest" — than boosting the party of Barack Obama.

"I was working with them fairly closely during the Republican convention and privy to interoffice emails," Robson explains. "The type of things non-local editors were into were very party-race stories, particularly stories that embarrassed Republicans and promoted Democrats."

Oh man, would I like to see those emails. I wonder if the IRS would be interested too.

Oh, here's one:

Memo to Center for Independent Media employees

Hi, everyone. I know the last 24 hours have been a lot to think about. We also understand that one of the the assets of online media is that everyone knows lots of reporters, and has established very close relationships with their media, both local and national. I need to ask you all to please not respond to media questions about the CIM and our restructuring process.
If you receive any calls or emails, please forward that information on to me so I can direct inquiries to the proper channel. It is imperative that you do not talk to the media yourself about this issue. Any violation of this will be grounds for immediate dismissal.

Consider the barn door closed! Hey! Where'd all the cows go?

And then there's this story, where two management-level CIMers in the home office can't even get their alibi story straight; perhaps the impetus for the above leaked memo:

"We're in economic hard times. We're a non-profit that's dependent on philanthropy," [ CIM's national editorial director Jefferson] Morley said. "We gotta plan for the future just like everybody else."

Two paragraphs later:

But Colorado Independent publisher David Bennahum said the decision to reorganize was made before the economic crisis, though he said he couldn't pinpoint the exact time the decision was made.

My guess it was right around the time all the major news organizations called the election for Obama.

There'll be more to this story, I'm sure.

(Oh please God let there be more.)

DISCLAIMER: Lest anyone think I'm being a - ahem - bully for insinuating the whole loss of tax exempt status thing, it should be noted that the Minn-dependent and it's sister organization has not been above such things in the past.

Because Some Dogs Apparently Have Not Yet Been Trained to Speak English

This will seem blindingly obvious to those who have more than two brain cells to rub together. Unfortunately, there is at least one leftyblogger who doesn't. So just to clarify:

This is not an example of bullying, thuggery etc. Not even close. You would have to be a dolt to think otherwise.

This, however, is bullying and thuggery depicted in its commonly understood usage.

Not that a myopic dog who thinks the substance that comes out of its butt is "wisdom" would ever understand...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Shocking Swedish Sex Ring

This article is just filled with awesome. Like this:

But the man was quick to defend his relations with a bitch he bought online from a city-dwelling family...

and this:

Any of the times I did anything with her she was the one who backed into me and provoked it. She was in heat and made herself available. There were also times later when she didn't want to and then I backed out immediately.

and this:

At one meeting in a small village in Småland, five men waited for a woman who had promised to bring along two dogs. But when she was unable to make it to the meeting, the men spoke instead of their experiences, including a previous visit to a colleague they referred to as "donkey man".

aaaaaaaand this:

"Should it be permitted to stroke a bitch's teats with love...?"

Snort!

Relax, Jeffie the Donkey Man. They're just talking about bestiality.

BONUS:

Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog, in order to allow the dog to lick off whatever is spread on the genitalia?

That line and the one preceding it is especially full of WIN since they were uttered by Sweden's Agricultural Minister.

Why Do Leftist Propaganda Spewers Hate the Middle Class?

It may sound odd coming from a guy like me who has intensely enjoyed shooting the Minnesoros "Independent" (more on the scare quotes in a moment) for sport, but this is sad:

The post-election pruning begins in the local media. Minnesota Independent reporter Molly Priesmeyer was told today that her position and one other has been eliminated.

The other position is that of Andy Birkey, whose beat was covering "GLBT issues and the Religious Right." (Which for what its worth strikes me as similar to assigning David Duke to the African-American community affairs beat). What really stuck me though was a comment to one of the above-linked posts Priesmeyer left regarding the sackings:

The worst part is that they touted creating a sustainable news site, one that lasted well beyond the election and focused on local news and issues. Not only do I feel disappointed, I feel cheated.

I feel like we were hired to be nothing more than shills for their platform under the guise of a mission focused on creating journalism that was "independent" and for the "common good." If I had been told I was a shill for the Democrats, I never would've written for the site. I guess that's why the CIM told editors and writers that our job was to write about major issues, like the economy and housing, that were important to local readers
.

Last December, on the matter of sock-puppetry in general and the Minnesoros "Independent" in particular, I wrote:

Of course they don't tell CIM fellows what to write. The sugar daddies funding the operation already know what will be written. I mean, if you get enough leftybloggers in one room, one thing you can bet they won't do is hammer out a compelling defense of of the flat tax. No, the import of the funding sources relate not so much to the editorial content, but to the blog's raison d'etre. And George Soros doesn't give a flying crap about "citizen journalism" in any sense that it would benefit the public at large. He wants liberals in power, and he wants them left alone. That's it.

Side note: a certain zombie-hating-Paul-Allen-adoring-left-of-center-yet-still-lovable frequent commenter took me to task for this observation. Specifically asking incredulously:

You are saying that political donations may have undue influence on a person?

Given Molly's story, I will preemptively accept his late acquiescence to my point.

We have taken a fair number of shots at Priesmeyer here. She deserved all of them. She didn't deserve this.

With all the slams we take to each other, from the good-natured to the vicious, we should draw the line at a person's well-being. We don't exalt in the loss of some other individual's livelihood. Whatever you may think of Sorosblogging (and if you've read KAR for any amount of time, you know we don't think much of it) that was her livelihood; and she was kicked to the curb in an unceremonious fashion because the propaganda needs of the left wing only require a skeleton crew for the next year or so. And they did so after enticing her in the door with promises of a long-term gig. This should serve as a cautionary tale to any future aspiring rent-a-bloggers. You can take these kind of jobs and claim that you're "independent" and that you can't be bought. Truth is, they already bought you, and you didn't even know it.

I would say that some folks over at the Center for Independent Media ought to be ashamed of themselves, but that would require them to have a capacity for shame. Past shots at Molly aside (we still stand by them), we KARnies wish her well and good luck at finding more - er... reputable employment.

XERXES UPDATE: As an infrequent KARntributor, I should note I divest from my fellow KARnies in one small regard. While it is, indeed, unfortunate Ms. Priesmeyer has been so unceremoniously (though completely predictably) kicked to the curb, it should be stated, for the record, only the most self-delusional of morons can't see what the MinnIndy is, and basically always has been. To stake a long-term career on that flash-in-the-pan "media" arm was, and continues to be, incredibly foolish.

LEARNEDFOOT DEMURES TO XERXES: Only slightly, though. The story here was the utter sliminess of CIM, not Priesmeyer's gullibility. They sold her a bill of goods, and she bought it partly because said goods were offered by fellow travelers. ("How could such enlightened progressives who are always looking out for the little guy possibly ever screw me?") She's not totally blameless for her fate, but that doesn't excuse CIM's quasi-predatory sleaziness. That's the central fact I'd like to keep out there as CIM still is a going concern.

Green Jobz Coming to Minnesota!

What a relief to know that the state of our state economy could green up with new green jobs, according to our Guv's new proposal.

Pawlenty held a state Capitol news conference to announce a "Green Jobs Investment Initiative" aimed at helping the state take fuller advantage of an emerging field.

The initiative includes a new "Green JOBZ'' program that provides the same tax exemptions for qualifying green jobs projects already available to businesses under the existing Job Opportunity Building Zones program. Besides that $10.25 million, it includes $80 million in other tax breaks to boost business investments, half of which would be aimed at green jobs projects for small businesses and for businesses promoting the state's renewable energy goals. A year ago, the state committed to generating 25 percent of its electricity from renewable sources by 2025.

So what kind of new green manufacturing "jobz" can we look forward to? KAR investigators snooped around and found some green products we could manufacture in Minnesota:

There's never a shortage of green snot...

... or poop on your green lawn.

And my favorite: Grass Gas! Researchers are developing another bio-fuel from llamas raised locally. With grass, there's no need to rotate crops as with corn. Llamas are small, sustainable and portable. Grass goes in, green spit comes out — and you're ready to top off the tank!

A local manufacturer shows the process:


Look for llama futures to skyrocket, so invest now. When it comes to saving the planet and our economy with green jobz, make KAR your first stop for ideas. You're welcome, Governor.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Annual Edmund Fitzgerald Earworm Post

It was 33 years ago today that 29 brave mariners gave their lives so that Gordon Lightfoot's career would not be defined by the song "Sundown".

In keeping with local internet tradition, here is the obligatory link to Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" which will latch onto your brain like some sort of aural cockle burr for the next 5 weeks.

It Was 4 Years Ago Today Last Wednesday

...that KAR was born, and thus unleashed a brave new world full of pie-decorating jokes, Iron Maiden philosophy, poop humor and other utter nonsense to literally dozens of people.

No special celebration this year. So very very tired. If you're in the mood for such self-reverential foolishness, go back and watch this video again (except wherever it says "three" mentally substitute "four" and maybe imagine a few pictures from the 2008 MilF to modestly update your experience).

OK maybe we'll do a birthday header. Matron?

Iron Matron adds: button added. Happy Birthday to us!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

DQ Names Burger after Mark Ritchie



Would you like a recount with that?

Friday, November 07, 2008

Like Mussolini and Kennedy

I'd like you to take a very scary test. Please print off this post onto a piece of paper and follow the directions.

==================

With a pencil, completely fill in the oval next to the choice that indicates your preference:


TOFU----- ()
BACON--- ()


I'll just wait here until your are finished taking the test.

...

[Twidling thumbs]

...

...

[Whistling]

...

[Singing absently]

♫ ♪ I know your anger. I know your paaaaaaain. ♪ ♫

Oh -

Everybody done? Good. Pencils down.

Did you completely darken either the tofu oval or the bacon oval?

Congratulations! Either way you passed! (But remind me never to attend a dinner party at Mr. Banaiaiaian's house.)

But what of the others at the bottom of the curve? What about those that answered thus:

TOFU----- () YES!
BACON--- ()

or:

TOFU----- () X
BACON--- ()

or:

TOFU----- (X)
BACON--- ()

or:

TOFU----- ()
BACON--- ()

or:

TOFU----- () ♥♥♥
BACON--- ()

or:

TOFU----- () ←
BACON--- ()

What kind of people are these nippleheads that don't even possess the capacity follow the simplest of directions?

Why, they're the same people that will be deciding the outcome of Minnesota's Senate race!

Oh, and Mark Ritchie is in charge of the recount.

Have a nice day!

UPDATE: Did I mention that Mark Ritchie is our Sec State?

Nothing to see here. Move along.

Neon Lights. Nobel Prize.

The LearnedFoot Postulate:

The closer in time to Barack Obama's innauguration we come, the probability that the entire lyrics of the song "Cult of Personality" can be fully reconstructed piecemeal by blog post titles approaches 1.

It's like Godwin's Law, but easier to mosh to.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

I Can't Believe It took This Long

One of the nodes of SorosNet is getting sued for libel:

Leaders at The Michigan Messenger said today that a story published about Election Day voter challenges was accurate and that they're fighting a defamation suit filed by a GOP official.

Oh, they're calling them "leaders" now? Have they finally dropped the "journalist" / "reporter" / "editor" conceit? This reporter wants to know!

The Web site quoted Macomb County Republican Chairman James Carabelli in a Sept. 10 article as saying that Republicans "will have a list of foreclosed homes and will make sure people aren't voting from those addresses."

Carabelli said in a lawsuit filed last week in Macomb County Circuit Court that he never made the comment. He's asking for monetary damages and attorney fees
.

Wonder if that interview was taken via e-mail.

*snicker*

Jefferson Morley, editorial director of The Michigan Messenger and its parent organization, the Washington-based Center for Independent Media ["CIM" -ed.], said today in a conference call with reporters that the article was accurate and that the Web publication is standing behind reporter Eartha Jane Melzer.

"We've reviewed Eartha's phone records and e-mails to recreate what Eartha reported and how she did it," Morley said. "This review of the record leaves no doubt that the conversation with Mr. Carabelli took place, that the question of voter challenges was discussed, that Mr. Carabelli said what he said, that Eartha reported those comments immediately and accurately to her editors, and then to readers."

Michigan Republican Party spokesman Bill Nowling said the two may have spoken about foreclosures, but Carabelli never said the words that Melzer reported.

"It's not a question of, 'Well, he kind of wavered on whether he said it or not,'" Nowling said. "He's been vociferous ... (that) he didn't say it, that it was the reporter who kept trying to angle this story with leading questions, and that the quote attributed to him was pieced together or fabricated."


Here's a teachable moment all you activists, party officials, politicians and right-leaning human beings. Nota bene: never - NEVER - talk to these people. Ever. They are pushing an agenda, not news stories. If these trolls actually contact you, you can rest assured that you will only be quoted accurately once your quote has been sanitized of its context and wedged into whatever template serves their political ends. Period. End of story. Besides, responding to these hatchet jobbers lends them a certain credibility they do not merit.

Nowling added that there "never has been, never will be" a plan by the state GOP or county GOP leaders to use foreclosure lists to challenge voters on Nov. 4.

The Michigan Messenger story drew national attention and outrage from some bloggers and political commentators.

It also prompted the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, the Democratic National Committee and several Macomb County voters to file a lawsuit in federal court in Detroit asking for an injunction prohibiting the Macomb County GOP, the Michigan Republican Party, the Republican National Committee or anyone connected with them from challenging Michigan voters whose homes are on foreclosure lists.

Which is the whole purpose of CIM's being.

It'd be sweet if this suit yielded a big verdict. But even if it isn't successful (libel suits rarely are), I hope it at least results in a long, protracted and extremely expensive process. Hey- the CIM is funded largely by liberals with deep pockets. Spread the wealth baby!

Its Thyme 4 Sum Knew Blud in teh State Ripublicun Rebulickin GOoP Leedership

Teh 4mer MOB Mayer, Teh Andee is making rumblings about his desire for, um, change at the top of the state GOP leadership. We at KAR think that this is a fantastic idea for a running gag and are prepared to jump in behind Andee's run for party chair with both feet. We feel that we would be ideal in the role of Andee's communications director. God knows he needs one.


Let the campaign begin! Run Andee run!


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

OK, So Who Won the Scotch?

I'm not waiting until the damn recount is over. We'll take the results of the Senate race as they stand now, which is Coleman even (rounding to the nearest half per cent).

You all can do your own math and tell me if I'm wrong, but I think that the Spawn of Satan himself: that government-bathtub-drowning seed of Nosferatu DAVID STROM won, garnering the most cash possible on a single card with a $200 bankroll. He hit a 4-way $200 parlay, which at 11 to 1 pays out at $2200.

Strommie can contact me as re: mode of delivery of the Scotch.

Also, it appears that the Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System does not work well for election wagering.

A New Biennial KAR Tradition Is Born

So as it was in 2006:





It is again in 2008:





BONUS FAIL: The creepy guy at the Dump is calling for Bachmann's censure. For what, we do not know. We'll dispatch our crack team of forensic psychologists to find out as soon as we find some willing to do this sort of work for free.

America Shows It's "O" Face

Please bear with me. I drank an awful lot of wine last night (a nice Castle Rock Cabernet, if you must know; a 2006 Napa, which was surprisingly good given that many of the California Cabernets I've tasted from the 2006 vintage have ranged from underwhelming to awful), and then I spent the better part of the evening trying to get Mrs. Foot to let me do to her what our New Democrat Overlords will be doing to us for the next two years. I'm tired and have a short attention span right now. Therefore, it's best not to look at this post as an essay, but rather a series of semi-related rants that may go off on some weird tangents. (Like that parenthetical about the wine above, for example. Oh look! A shiny thing!)

While the results last night pretty much bore out what we already knew from polls and other predictive evidence, there's still this thin film of cognitive dissonance that tugs at me. It's not Obama's win. I get that. Of all the presidential candidates the Dems have thrown up over the past couple of decades, Obama is the one that by far has made my skin crawl the least. His followers supporters creep me out so much more (Dancing in the streets because of an election result? How banana republicish.) I'm obviously not alone in that assessment. No, my problem is with the stupidity of the national Congressional results.

Let me get this straight: according to the exit polls reported on the various nets last night, we are to believe that the economy was the single most important factor for voters. Yet the voters saw fit to increase the majority of the party (and reelect two of the main culprits) who caused the damn problem in the first place.

Oh no, Foot. You're wrong. It was Bush's disastrous economic policies that caused the economic-

Oh really? Which policies were those?

Er...uh..

Can't name one can you?

He refused to regulate -

Bullshit:

The Bush administration today recommended the most significant regulatory overhaul in the housing finance industry since the savings and loan crisis a decade ago.

Under the plan, disclosed at a Congressional hearing today, a new agency would be created within the Treasury Department to assume supervision of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the government-sponsored companies that are the two largest players in the mortgage lending industry.

The new agency would have the authority, which now rests with Congress, to set one of the two capital-reserve requirements for the companies. It would exercise authority over any new lines of business. And it would determine whether the two are adequately managing the risks of their ballooning portfolios.

That was back in 2003. It was blocked by the Democrats, many of whom were reelected last night. It should also be noted that part of the strategy (which continues to this day when anyone dares mention the facts) they employed to stymie this regulatory scheme was to play the race card.

You may have noticed that the card has significantly decreased in value over the past 24 hours.

You're making me cry.

Good. Now go fuck off.

So yeah, there's that. And then there was the network coverage...

Watching NBC's Ann Currie is the television journalism equivalent of gargling Scorned Woman hot sauce when you have a mouth full of canker sores. Last night she was she played the role of NBC's Poll Goddess. At one point early in the coverage she actually said the following (paraphrased from memory):

X voters in [Indiana I think] reported that race played a factor in their presidential vote. But the interesting thing here is that of those voters, Y per cent voted for Barack Obama anyway.

"Anyway"?

Think about it Ann. Try not to hurt yourself.

And then there's Al Franken. Seriously, WTF? How that jackass could get enough votes to necessitate a recount baffles me a little and embarrasses me for Minnesota a lot.

There. End rant.

For those leftybloggers out there trolling for a little schadenfreude, that's all I got. Sorry. He is my president. He was elected, not selected. Somewhere in south Chicago there isn't a village missing an idiot. My happiness is not dictated by who's in office. I'm still an adult, and you're still a spittle-chucking rage-addicted child. What Nihilist said.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah: stay outta my booze!

I'm Every Person You Need to Be

I can't seem to get this song out of my head, and I have no idea why.

*sigh* Whatever happened to Vernon Reid? Or Body Glove?

Hold Your Tickets

Still waiting on final numbers for Prez and MN Senate. Though it looks like that Senate outcome is going to destroy a lot of cards.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

KAR: Your Home for Hypothetical Election Wagering

NOTE: BE SURE TO CHECK UPDATES NOTED JUST ABOVE THE BOARD

Since I am the Minnesota blogosphere's preeminent sports handicapper, I thought I'd apply my talents for today's election. Below are my point spreads for the various major Minnesota races and the presidential race. These are the rules:

1) Make your picks against the spread in the comment thread. Spreads are based on percentage of the vote (i.e. "-3" means the candidate is favored by 3 percentage points).

2) Indicate the amount you want to bet for each wager. Maximum bet for any single wager is 100 (hypothetical) dollars. Minimum is $10.

3) Straight bets pay 10 to 9. For example, if you want to win $18 on a wager, you need to bet $20. (the usual is 11 to 10, but the math is easier this way). ONLY MAKE WAGERS ON STRAIGHT BETS IN MULTIPLES OF 10.

4) Two-way parlays pay 2.5 to 1. Three way parlays pay 6 to 1. Four-way parlays pay 11 to 1. No action on five or more. Ties lose.

5) No teasers. No "buying the hook".

6) I may move the lines from time to time, based on the action. That's how real books do it. So when you place your "bets" make sure you indicate the spreads they're based on. If you fail to do so I WILL ASSIGN THE MOST RECENT SPREAD AND EDIT YOUR COMMENT ACCORDINGLY. (Note: I may edit some comments for format or clarity - but not content - to make the tally easier in the end. If you don't trust me, take a screen shot of your comment / bet after you post it.) If a spread is changed, I will strike-through the old spread on the board and publish the new spread in bold to its right. The spread that applies to you is the one in effect when you make the wager (which is why it's very important you indicate it when you place your bet).

7) Final scores will be based on the percentage spread, rounded to the nearest half-percent. Third parties will not be considered. So for example, if Norm Coleman gets 49% of the vote, Franken gets 45% and Barkley wins the remaining 6%, the final score is Coleman 49, Franken 45 and the loser votes for Barkley are disregarded. A bet for Coleman favored by 1 wins in this scenario. In the unlikely event a third party does win, there will be no action: straight bets are pushes, parlays are reduced by one play. In the less unlikely (but still improbable) event that a 3rd party finishes second, there will still be action on the bet, the spread being determined by subtracting that number from the winner's.

8) NO BETS AFTER 7 PM TODAY. Moonbat and wingnut wagers alike are accepted. After all, what's more non-partisan than a point spread?

9) Whoever wins the most amount of money based on their bets wins their choice of a six pack of premium beer -or- a 3/4-full bottle of Laphroaig Single Malt Scotch (tried it - way too peety for me).

UPDATE: Forgot to mention your hypothetical bankroll. You can make up to $200 in bets. Only winnings and losses will be counted, so if you only make $150 in bets, that DOES NOT COUNT as $50 toward your total score.

UPDATE 2: Pursuant to the Nihilist's request, we've added the Legacy Amendment referendum to the board for your wagering pleasure.

UPDATE 3: Clarification: the presidential race wager is based on NATIONAL popular vote.

UPDATE 4: Some lines have moved - 11:05.

UPDATE 5: More line adjustments 12:17. PLEASE BE SURE TO USE THE MOST CURRENT LINE WHEN MAKING YOUR BETS.

NEW RULE: Animals and those pretending to be animals are not eligible to play.

UPDATE 6: More line motion at 1:08.



THE BOARD
(ALL CAPS indicates incumbent)

MN SENATE

COLEMAN (R) -1 -2
Franken (D)

MN HOUSE

CD 1:

WALZ (D) -14.5
Davis (R)

CD 2:

KLINE (R) -12.5 -11
Sarvi (D)

CD 3:

Madia (D) Pick
Paulsen (R)

CD 4:
McCOLLUM (D) -19 -20
Matthews (R)

CD 5:

ELLISON (D) -18.5 -19.5
Davis-White (R)

CD 6:

BACHMANN (R) -.5
Tinklenberg (D)

CD 7:

PETERSON (D) off
Whatsizface (R)

CD 8:

OBERSTAR (D) - 18
Some guy (R)

PRESIDENT

Obama (D) -4 -4.5
McCain (R)

***NEW*** LEGACY AMENDMENT SALES TAX

Yes Pick
No -1

Good luck, and please practice responsible hypothetical wagering.