Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Aim Low, Shoot Low


LearnedFoot's First Postulate of Blogging provides:

Any blog with the word "dump" in its name is a waste of bandwidth run by losers and misfits who can't get laid. And if on the off-chance, they could get laid, they're probably lousy in the sack. And they're morbidly obese too.

And so it is that a new raft of "Dump" blogs have been born. And while the original Dump blogs focused their ire on federal and state lawmakers, this new breed seems to have set its sights a bit lower. Now they're going after fellow bloggers.

To wit: we consumers of the electronically written word have now had inflicted on us Dump Brodkorb (and it's not-quite-pulled-off mirror site Dump Michael Brodkorb). This one was apparently promulgated by a GOP activist who doesn't like the idea of Michael Brodkorb running for the vice chairmanship of the Minnesota Republican Party.

Way to reach for the stars there, fella. Were you not significantly outraged enough to start a blog calling for Rusty Gatenby to grow back his moustache?

Yes, we have finally hit bottom. No, wait...

Now we have hit bottom.

As the last of the superstructure and ceiling beams of the once promising online publishing phenomenon crashes down about our ears in gnat swarm haze of personal vendetta and cheap shot blogging, I say the time has come for all ThunderJournalists (and bloggers) of goodwill to cry "STOP!" to these low rent smarm peddlers. We need to show the world that we are not all a bunch of over-wrought losers with a way WAY overinflated sense of self-importance who think that if we could just win our latest windmill tilt The Word Would Get Out and the world we become a better place on the impetus of our brilliant series of posts about how That Guy We Hate sucks. Just most of us are.

How do we do that? I haven't the foggiest clue. But it probably involves cock punching dumpbloggers.

Another solution might be to show a unified front of impertinent irreverence.

As it so happens, the annual Online Celebration of Fetal Dismemberment otherwise known as Blog for Choice Day approaches. Again this year, it will be held on January 22. Which leads to LearnedFoot's Second Postulate of Blogging:

The vast majority of "feminists" who participate in Blog for Choice Day are either constipated skankholes who haven't had a good shit in years or morbidly obese and unctuous lonely males desperately tring to curry favor with some woman - any woman - in a futile effort to get laid. And they probably suck in the sack too. In fact, if you are morbidly obese, you by definition "really suck in the sack" because your condition prevents you from engaging in even the most basic sexual activies such as "being on top" without killing or rupturing the inner tube of your partner.

Sorry. My postulates tend to get a bit windy and mean-spirited.

In the past, KAR and many of KAR's satellite blogs celebrated Blog for Choice Day by holding our own blogswarm about a more worthwhile topic. Two years ago, it was Blogs for Uranus; last year we had the unforgettably delicious Blogs for Bacon. Those were good times that yielded some fantastic writing.

But given the current toxicity of the local blogging environment, I think we need a Blogs for (Blank) theme that's a little less trite. So this year, we here at KAR are initiating the first annual Blogs for Mirth Day.

[ATTENTION IRON MATRON: We need a logo for this. Get on it stat.]

On January 22, all participating bloggers should resist the temptation of writing their 300th post on the Franken Coleman race or that 25,000 word essay on the broader ramifications of the TARP program on the taconite mining industry in Upper Michigan, or even *ahem* American Idol. Instead, blog about bodily functions, sex jokes, boobies or pooping. (Yes, pooping is a bodily function, but it deserves its own mention.) Whatever, as long as it's impertinent, irrelevant, nonserious or possibly gross. But do try to go for teh funny. The world can live without your cutting wisdom for a day.

Separately we can never overcome the drivel that floods the internet. But together, we can drown it out with our own slightly more amusing drivel! Mark your Calendars:


UPDATE: Or should we call it "Blogs for Drivel Day"?

UPDATE 2: "Blogs for Crap" maybe? Suggestions welcome.

UPDATE 3: Iron Matron is almost done making the graphic. I haven't seen the finished product yet, but I can already say that it will be full of awesome.

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