Piercing Commentary

During the 10 or so minutes of American Idol that I was able to watch last night in between deflecting the various objects Moonchild was hurling at my crotch, I noticed something about a lot of contestants' faces. An overwhelming number of them had shards of metal impaled on various parts of their faces. I found it disturbing.

Piercing has come a long way from the ear lobes. Back in the early '80s, after years of struggle, non-gay men finally won the right to pierce their ears (one ear only) and not be considered a nancy boy. This was met with some consternation by the crusty Baby-Boomers; a group who defined their generation by dropping acid and fucking each other in public during huge music festivals. In other words, nobody took what they had to say on the matter too seriously.

In the 90's, head jewelry moved to the nose, the eyebrow and points south. For purposes of this column post, I'm not concerned with the "deep south" if you know what I mean. I'm more concerned about the stuff you can see on the average clothed person because a) it's public and therefore a fashion statement indicative of some Larger Truth about our culture and 2) thinking about those nether-piercings makes me want to cross my legs so hard that I may dislocate my femur.

Anyway the nose piercings - when they first started becoming common - bothered me a little. There's something about having a piece of metal sticking out of your nose that turns even the most attractive woman completely undesirable. I don't know about you but nothing screams "SEXY!" like looking as though you have a metal booger hanging out of your schnoz. And that's just the loops. Some chicks wear studs in their noses, which from a distance of 5 feet or more, looks just like a huge shiny zit.

But last night on Idol, I saw a guy who had his cheek pierced. His cheek.

Seriously: WTF?

What the hell is the point of piercing your cheek? It doesn't look edgy. It doesn't look cool. The only statement I can think one might be making by impaling a rod of metal opposite the premolars is "I am so uncreative that the most creative way I can think of to express my individuality is to drill a hole in a part of my face that no one has thought of yet."

Or possibly: "I'm a massive tool."

Then there was the idiot who had a metal stud on either side of that little vertical crease under the nose. My first thought when I saw that was not: "wow does he look awesome - and that fauxhawk really brings the look home!" No, it was more like "Ah that must be where you attach the jumper cables."

So in conclusion: GET OFF MY LAWN!!11!1!