Friday, February 27, 2009

We Report. You Rewipe.

Long for the days when your ass touched soft cotton diaper material? Well, throw those rolls of TP away — I mean, RECYCLE those rolls and make the switch to Soft Cloth Toilet Wipes!
Using cloth toilet wipes actually has many advantages. For one, it's a lot more comfortable and soft on your most delicate body parts. It's also more economical, uses less paper, and saves you those late-night trips to the store. And cloth wipes can be used wet without any of the sopping disintegration that regular toilet paper is prone to. For a discussion of the practical aspects of using cloth toilet wipes, please check out our page detailing How to Use Cloth Wipes.

Wallypop customer Mary F. prefers to keep her wipes stacked in a basket next to the toilet, and her used wipes go in the wet bag hanging from the toilet paper holder.

Only $11 per dozen basic, $20 per dozen premium, hemp, or sherpa. And, look at the trendy designs!



KAR submitted a stellar design option to the manufacturer:



If anything, they'll make great golf club polishers for the 2009 MiLF. Hey, these would make a good prize for the event! Now we need a prize category. Your ideas welcome in the comments section.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Bobo The Foul-Mouthed Chimp Looking For New Home

Congress acted on new chimp ownership rules as fast as Bobo can fling poo on a zoo visitor:
Rep. Kirk said, "It is inhumane to cage primates in private homes. Besides the animal cruelty concerns, the interstate movement of pet primates creates serious public health and safety risks. The Captive Primate Safety Act takes important steps to address these concerns."
Travis was reported to have lived with a widow, eating lobster and ice cream at the table, wearing human clothes and entertaining himself with a computer and television. Lord knows what else (shudder) he did with his female owner.

So what does this mean for Bobo? We at KAR disagree with the new legislation and hope to place him in a loving home — where Bobo can be Bobo. He has made his choice quite clear, and we heartily agree.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Don't Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

This is easily the dumbest thing I've read this month:

For at least a decade Republicans have been shrieking and ranting about activist judges. Judges who will ignore law and precedent. Who will interpret our laws and our Constitution instead of upholding them. We all know the truth is that they just want judges who will rule in their favor.

So isn't it interesting to see Governor Tim Pawlenty suggesting that former Senator Norm Coleman's best chance of weaseling his old job back is via activist judges overruling Minnesota law and precedent?
[emphasis mine]

(Blockquoted) "I know some people have grown weary of this, but I think Norm Coleman has a good chance to get this turned over in the courts . . . The bulk of the dispute is over absentee ballots and which ones should be in and which ones shouldn't be in, or shouldn't have been in to begin with. Coleman is appealing about 3800 ballots, and Franken allegedly has about 900 ballots they're going through. The universe that they're dealing with is less than 5000 ballots, and Franken leads by 225 or so. So there are still a lot of ballots to sort out. But we may not know for a month, or for several months . . . It puts [Minnesotans] at a disadvantage when you only have one senator, and major legislation is being considered and debated. I would appoint someone temporarily, but the law doesn't allow it, I can only appoint someone for a permanent vacancy." [emphasis added by moron] (National Review)

It should surprise nobody that I found this nugget on the compendium of local left-wing lunacy, Minnesota Progressive Project (or as I like to call it "MN PP"). I actually think that the creation of this blog is a good thing, for I am certain that at some future time, the technology will exist that will allow us to take all of this self-isolated stupidity and launch it into the sun, disposing of it forever.

Anyway, if you carefully read the above quoted assertion (not recommended unless you are insane, like me) you can only reach the following 2 conclusions about the writer's view:

1) Republicans cannot avail themselves of the courts without being hypocrites &

2) He has no idea what the definitions of "law" and "precedent" are.

In Coleman's case, he is asserting that some absentee ballots were rejected for statutorily impermissible reasons. Or, alternatively, compliance with the statute was rendered impossible by the state (for example, signature lines being covered by address stickers. They may may win on these facts, they may lose on these facts. But there is a case or controversy there, and they are within their rights (and well within common decency) to pursue them. They have - as we law talkin' guys like to say - an argument.

Judges generally do two things when rendering decisions. First, they make findings of fact. That is, they simply try to answer the question, "what happened." Which testimony was believable and relevant? If a Jury was involved, was its verdict supported by evidence? And so on.

The second thing a judge does is advance conclusions of law. What statutes, precedents and other primary law are relevant to the issues of the case? How are they to be interpreted? How much discretion is the court afforded by the applicable law?

And at the nexus of the facts and the law, lies the decision. How does the law as discerned by the court apply the facts found in the case.

Where judicial activism comes in, is where a judge refuses to find a critical fact, or refuses to apply the applicable law because of his or her own individual notion of what justice is. This is especially odious to the conservative since judges are (at least at the federal level) appointed and therefore not accountable to the people. This gives them an awful lot of power, something we as Americans (at least the sane ones) have traditionally balked at.

Secondly, a free ranging judge subverts the will of the people; something that flies in the face of democracy as we know it. When a judge or a court willfully ignores a duly enacted statute by the legislature, or finds some creative reasoning for invalidating it, they are in effect substituting their own capricious judgement for that of a lawmaking body elected by the people.

Given this definition of "judicial activism" (which I think are totally uncontroversial and commonly accepted), reread the blurb above. The only conclusion you can reach is that this kool aid-addled partisan hatchet man honestly believes (though he may not even know it) that any time a conservative avails herself of the courts, she is being a hypocrite and ought to be shamed out of it.

Seriously. Coleman's theory is nothing more than an assertion that Minnesota's absentee ballot law (specifically, section 203B.12 - see if you get any citations at MN PP!) was misapplied by some election judges. They'll either win or lose on that argument. But that's a long way from his team "hoping" that an "activist judge" will rule in their favor based on some capricious application of the law. If they are, MN PP doesn't cite any examples. But like I've said before about these people: the truth doesn't matter to them - only winning and power. Fascists.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Devil's in the Detailing

Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number. Its number is six hundred and sixty six.

The following is true.

This morning, I was alone in my car. My mind was blank. Just driving to work so I could make some bank. A stubby little truck from some auto salvage company ambled down the road in front of me. Specifically, the truck was owned by "aaa Auto Salvage." At the time I thought nothing of it other than how it was odd that the company's logo would use lower-case letters for its name.

At the first opportunity, I passed the slowly lumbering rig without much thought and even less effort. My puzzlement over the the salvage company's word mark forgotten as trifling and wholly uninteresting. After a fashion I glanced at my rear-view mirror as is my practice as a safe driver in all aspects of that activity other than obeying posted speed limits.

And what did I see? Could I believe? Those three lower case letters (also stenciled on the "mom's attic" jutting out over the cab's roof) staring back at me.

Backwards.

Those 3 lower-case a's as viewed in the mirror's reflection looked quite different, and certainly more sinister as I beheld them:

666 - the number of the beast.

I did a double-take and looked at the mirror again to make sure that what I was seeing was real and not just fantasy. And there it was:

666 - the number of the beast.

Just what I saw in that old mirror - were they reflections of my warped mind staring back at me? Spooked, I thought to myself - "is this real or just some kind of hell"? Those three letters seemed to mesmerize, like Bill's exquisite pies:

666 - the number of the beast.

In any event, I eventually turned off onto another street while the Demon Truck continued straight ahead in on its infernal path; possibly going on to run over puppies or something. It occurred to me that maybe I should inform the Law. But that would have been a silly waste of time.

Still, the whole thing might make a pretty sweet metal song. We could call it "Devil Went Down to Eagan" or something like that.

Friday, February 20, 2009

A Monkey Can't Get a Word in Edgewise.

So maybe you've heard about the outrage coming from the outrage-based community over an editorial cartoon which made use of a well-known cliche that happens to feature a monkey. We have a black president now, after all, so the Keepers of the Language are mandating that all stylebooks must be updated to prevent the word "monkey" from appearing within any proximity of anything Obama has ever had anything to do with.

But what does the simian-based community think of this flap? Their opinion seems to have been lost in the all-signal-no-noise sputtering of the race-baiting jerkasses. Bobo would like to make his feelings known, dammit!

NOTE: Three things for the sake of clarity:

1) Yes, I am aware that chimps are apes, not monkeys.

2) Since Pelosi was the driving force behind the bill, the whole thing seems rather moot, if you ask me. That is, unless "monkey" is also a slur for "rubber-faced blue-blooded skeezebags from San Francisco."

UPDATE:

3) PACKAGE! *snicker*

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So, Foot...Where Have You Been?

I needed a break. Thanks for asking.

A break from what?

I needed a break from the stupid. Let me back up and explain.

Blogging - when it's at it's best - is primarily about engagement; engagement with ones readers either intellectually or temporally through comment threads; engagement with co-bloggers; engagement with other bloggers. It's no small thing, really. Even in as large and robust of a blogging "community" (I hate using that word, but it will have to suffice) as the one we have here in Minnesota, all us bloggers have at one time or other connected directly or through a series of attenuated links. And even with our nonblogging readers, there have been built many more connections beyond that which we may have foreseen or even intended. For example, KAR - despite regularly eschewing matters of national interest - has readers in places like Florida, Colorado and Los Angeles. These are people that should not expect to be exposed to someone like, say, Nick Coleman, yet for some strange reason like to see us pound on him.

And that's all nice. And I like it that way.

But by far, the most prominent connection - and readership demographic - is that between and amongst other bloggers in our genre. We all read each other's daily scribblings, even those from across the aisle, and sometimes comment on them. For a while there, it was more of a social scene than it was an attempt at amateur punditry by aggregate. And it was fun.

Unfortunately, when Bill and I started KAR way back in 2004, the genre we waded into was the then already overbloated political one. And I have to say that I have grown weary of it. It's no longer about conversation or engagement. Instead, it's become nothing more than two factions shouting at each other. It's become non-stop campaigning and character assassination. It's become a vehicle for messianic wannabes to feed their egos. It's become a never-ending vendetta against people never met, but loathsome all the same, because those other unspeakables voted for a different guy. It's become worthless.

It's no longer fun.

I started down this road a while ago. I think it was sometime last spring. Maybe earlier. I made a vow to myself that I would not write about anything that I didn't know backwards and forwards. I also pulled back on the baseless ad homina (baseful ad homina still being acceptable) as a way to vent or played for cheap laughs. Thus, most content not having to do with certain areas of the law, bacon and bodily functions went out the door, along with a certain amount of traffic. So be it.

But I think what brought it all home for me - the final straw - was this. I don't think I've seen any politician - and very few people for that matter - treated as brutally and unfairly (though they may have been merely doing as they were told) as Norm Coleman was during this past election. The blogs on the deranged left threw every lame-assed thing they could dig up or imagine at this moderate (former Democrat) Republican from the absurd ("he's got an 'unconventional' marriage *wink*wink*) to the meaninglessly absurd ("his wife wasn't in the kitchen when they filmed that ad OMGWTFBBQ!1!!1!!"), to the specious ("he rented a MANSION of $600!1!11!1") to the absurdly specious (some guy tried to funnel him money even though no money ever reached Coleman, or from what we can tell, even changed hands), to the absurdly absurd ("OMG Coleman's campaign totally crashed his own website!1!!1!111"). That link above goes to my post about that last one. Aaron Landry, during one of his vanity googling jags, found it, and left this comment:

Maybe you should read the evidence I posted before calling me a liar.

I did read the "evidence" he presented. The most compelling of it was that the webmaster (or whomever) pointed the IP address to a dead end, shortly after it got a Drudge-o-lanche.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's not exactly the "evidence" he presented. He left out any reference to the Drudge-o-lanche.

He also failed to consider what good crashing a site meant to find witnesses (the site allowed people to look up their absentee ballots to see if they were rejected) in an ongoing court case would do. A case, mind you, not being tried by a jury (so any attempt to create a PR stir by faking the popularity of this site would be useless on top of being counterproductive).

And there it was. Truth - or at least the search for it -is of no importance to these people. They're just selling a product like so much spam. And they do it so well that they won't even take a moment to think about things that tend to undermine (or in this case, completely obliterate) their point. They've got reputations to assault! Onward!

So in much the same way as I delete the spam mail rather than replying to each one with a strongly worded letter to their authors asking them at what point their lives went so horribly, horribly wrong, it's time to drop out. Spam is no fun. Neither are poli-blogs anymore.

There are those who say that such stupidity ought to be countered. As noted anecdotally above, it's a fool's errand. The best part of it all, is that I can make it all go away by just closing my eyes to it. If more people did that, well, the world would be a much better place. And I should also point out here that there are as many offenders on the right side as there are on the left.

The other remaining good part of blogging is that KAR can be anything I want it to be. In a certain way, it always has been. And it will continue to be. But I can no longer be part of the conversation in the so called "poli-blogs". It's futile and stupid.

Not to say there aren't still good blogs out there. But I only read a handful anymore. Among the few I still read daily are Shot, Fraters, the fitting and starting but always brilliant Bogus Doug, Ryan Rhodes, the Nihilist et al. Those guys all can write, and they all to some extent can demonstrate having a life beyond politics. There are others too, and you can still find them on the sidebar.

As for KAR? I will still be here, plugging along, maybe just not as often as I have. But don't expect any deep analysis of the stimulus package (outside of giggling at the use of the word "package").

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Open Thread - with Frank Zappa lyrics

Foot has been on hiatus, so I'll take this opportunity for a thread to add your deep thoughts in the comments section. The only requirement is that it contain lyrics from a Frank Zappa song.

A sample of the late, great Zappa's prose:
Y'know, my python boot is too tight

I couldn't get it off last night

A week went by, an' now it's July

I finally got it off

An' my girl-friend cry

"You got STINK FOOT!

STINK FOOT, darlin'

Your STINK FOOT puts a hurt on my nose!

STINK FOOT! STINK FOOT!
Go to it, KARnies.

American I-dull

Two gals from Minnesota have advanced to the next round of American Idol. Jesse Langseth, sister of Jonny Lang and talented, passed (the show will air in the next two weeks). Casey Carlson sucked the big FAIL last night trying to sing a vintage Police tune. My eye is still twitching after hearing part of it on the news. But because she's a hot babe, she got to the next round.

The real winner is this young lady who auditioned on Canadian Idol:

Monday, February 16, 2009

Moron Progressives Seek 1900% Increase in Beer Taxes

Ever heard of progressive taxes? This proposal out of Oregon gives it a whole new meaning:

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Five Oregon state lawmakers want to impose a hefty tax on beer and have introduced a bill that brewers say would cripple them.

Four Portland legislators joined a Springfield senator to introduce Oregon House Bill 2461, which would impose a $49.61 tax on each barrel of beer produced by Oregon brewers.

Why the proposed tax? Probably because these legislative idiots spent themselves into oblivion and want breweries and beer drinkers to bail them out. To be fair, they haven't raised malt beverage taxes in 32 years, but this proposal raises it 1,900%.

House Bill 2461 has been introduced by Portland Reps. Ben Cannon and Michael Dembrow, Portland Sens. Jackie Dingfelder and Diane Rosenbaum, and Springfield Sen. William Morrisette.

May they be slammed with emails, calls and faxes opposing it, then crawl back into their collective communes and come up with a better idea. F-ing morons.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

KAR-Approved Books For Kidz

As we take a brief break this weekend from ThunderJounaling (Check the right sidebar for Foot's ThunderTwittery), enjoy some books recently added in the children's section of the KAR library:







And this group of titles we're in the process of acquiring:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
16. Strangers Have the Best Candy
17. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
18. You Were an Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares Are Real
23. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
24. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
25. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Can Haz Monsters?

Who'd have thought we have a local producer who's putting out a show on unknown life forms?
Whether they're tracking Big Foot, looking for the Loch Ness monster or searching for giant squid, the "MonsterQuest" team is always on the hunt. The brainchild of Blaine producer Doug Hajicek, the show (8 p.m. Wednesdays; History channel) features investigations of unknown animal sightings from around the globe.

On local monsters: "There is stuff that happens within 80 miles of the Twin Cities. We have things like the Cumberland Beast in Cumberland, Wis., right across the border. There are very good, consistent sightings in the spring and fall in the St. Croix area of a Sasquatch or Big Foot creature. We have Peppy, a sea monster that's been seen in Lake Pepin. Minnesota and Wisconsin are not monster-free."
No shit, Sherlock. KAR scouts have posted many a monster sighting in Minnesota...

"Gay Sasquatch" at RNC Convention last September:




Some form of non-monkey, captured in this photo in disguise seeking prey after getting laid off at the Strib:




And the most elusive of all (pictured only once in a grainy photo) Mushroom Man.

No, This Is Not a Repeat from 2008. Or 2007. Or 2006. Or...

I interrupt my ThunderJournaling retirement to present the following tired story:

Brett Favre informed the New York Jets on Wednesday he will retire after 18 seasons, ending a record-setting career in which he was one of the NFL’s premier quarterbacks.

The 39-year-old instructed agent James “Bus” Cook to tell the team of his decision, six weeks after Favre’s only season with the Jets ended in disappointment as New York failed to make the playoffs.

In an e-mail to ESPN, Favre said he has no regrets about ending his career in New York and praised owner Woody Johnson, general manager Mike Tannenbaum and fired coach Eric Mangini
.

I have two reactions to this:

1) I call bullshit.

2) The Favre Threat Level on the sidebar has been reset to yellow.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Flashing

So that's why he goes by the moniker "Flash":





Forgive me if I don't scroll down.

Ride Pelosi!!1!

Friday, February 06, 2009

KAR: Now With BACON

Try it. It's delicious!

OPEN THEARD FOR ASSPIREING DOOSHBAGGS! LOLOL!!111

Difficulty: All submissions must resemble a typical YouTube comment.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO RYAN: I am expecting wonderful things from you.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

An Alternate Reality....of Dorkiness!

In The Matrix, Neo is required to take either the red pill or the blue pill.

What would have happened had he taken both? Discuss. (Morpheus reaching into his gullet and retreiving them with a smooth, digitally-enhanced kung fu move is not a valid answer.)

The Most Obvious One-Liner of the Day

Bill Gates, the billionaire founder of Microsoft and a renowned philanthropist, let loose a swarm of mosquitoes at a technology conference in California...

Rolling out the new version of Vista already?

HAY-OHHHH.

I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

[Link]

Piercing Commentary

During the 10 or so minutes of American Idol that I was able to watch last night in between deflecting the various objects Moonchild was hurling at my crotch, I noticed something about a lot of contestants' faces. An overwhelming number of them had shards of metal impaled on various parts of their faces. I found it disturbing.

Piercing has come a long way from the ear lobes. Back in the early '80s, after years of struggle, non-gay men finally won the right to pierce their ears (one ear only) and not be considered a nancy boy. This was met with some consternation by the crusty Baby-Boomers; a group who defined their generation by dropping acid and fucking each other in public during huge music festivals. In other words, nobody took what they had to say on the matter too seriously.

In the 90's, head jewelry moved to the nose, the eyebrow and points south. For purposes of this column post, I'm not concerned with the "deep south" if you know what I mean. I'm more concerned about the stuff you can see on the average clothed person because a) it's public and therefore a fashion statement indicative of some Larger Truth about our culture and 2) thinking about those nether-piercings makes me want to cross my legs so hard that I may dislocate my femur.

Anyway the nose piercings - when they first started becoming common - bothered me a little. There's something about having a piece of metal sticking out of your nose that turns even the most attractive woman completely undesirable. I don't know about you but nothing screams "SEXY!" like looking as though you have a metal booger hanging out of your schnoz. And that's just the loops. Some chicks wear studs in their noses, which from a distance of 5 feet or more, looks just like a huge shiny zit.

But last night on Idol, I saw a guy who had his cheek pierced. His cheek.

Seriously: WTF?

What the hell is the point of piercing your cheek? It doesn't look edgy. It doesn't look cool. The only statement I can think one might be making by impaling a rod of metal opposite the premolars is "I am so uncreative that the most creative way I can think of to express my individuality is to drill a hole in a part of my face that no one has thought of yet."

Or possibly: "I'm a massive tool."

Then there was the idiot who had a metal stud on either side of that little vertical crease under the nose. My first thought when I saw that was not: "wow does he look awesome - and that fauxhawk really brings the look home!" No, it was more like "Ah that must be where you attach the jumper cables."

So in conclusion: GET OFF MY LAWN!!11!1!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I Got a Bad Feeling About This

Some dateless wonder calculated the cost of building a Death Star:

A guy called Ryszard Gold—who probably is an alien villain from the Outer Rim planets and got a 49-point score in our Geek Social Aptitude Test—made the calculation of the most basic Death Star's price with current materials and space transport costs here on Earth. Here's a quick summary:

• First, assume that 1/10 of the 17.16 quadrillion cubic meters of the Death Star is something other than empty space and 6/10 of the total volume is pressurized space.

• That will require 1.71 quadrillion cubic meters of steel, about 134 quadrillion tonnes. That's $12.95 quintillion in current 2008 prices, and that's without counting strange alloys and elements.

• Shipping that to space will cost $95 million per tonne: So add $12.79 septillion in transport.

• Now you need to add air, which will require 8.23 quintillion cubic meters of Nitrogen, and 1.65 quintillion cubic meters of oxygen, for a total delivery cost of $2.81 septillions and $212.46 quintillion.

The total: $15,602,022,489,829,821,422,840,226.94
.

Would not be surprised at all to find this baby in the Senate version of the Stimulus bill.

Embrace the Suck

Yes, my ThunderJournaling has sucked this week. But at least I have a good excuse:

I just don't care.

KAR'S 1 BILLIONTH POST!!1!11!!!!

If a powerful Republican did this, leftyboners wouldn't shut up about it for 6 years:



500 million???? That's, like, twice the population of San Francisco!

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Side Effects Include FAIL

Top 11 Beer Brand Names that Sound Like Euphemisms for Taking a Shit

Hint: insert the words "taking a(n)" before each beer.

11. Asahi Super Dry

10. Rogue Brutal Bitter

9. Newcastle Brown

8. Grain Belt Premium

7. Dos Equis

6. Guinness Stout

5. Surly Bender

4. Bell's Best Brown

3. Anchor Steam

2. Surly Furious

1. Schlitz

Cognitive Dysentery

Far far far left-wing nutjob the Wege who, for the last 8 years, never saw a Republican he wouldn't slander:

It’s tiresome when the loyal opposition is not loyal, or even opposite (just contrary).

Join the fucking club.

Obama's only been in office 2 weeks; try to pace yourself.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

"I could come up with a better open thread with half my brain tied behind my back." --Sisyphus, February 3, 2009. 8:52 am

Sisyphus only, please.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Bacon Pron

Drool.



Open Thread for Everybody

Difficulty: All comments must reference a Rush lyric.

You know we've told you before, but you didn't hear us then: new world, digital and working men, and analog kids only, please.