Friday, November 04, 2011

Why Twitter Sucks and Is Bad

Twitter annoys me.

Well, it's not really Twitter itself that sucks, though it certainly does share some guilt as an enabler (more on that in a moment).  Twitter is a perfectly fine communication medium in and of itself.  Heck, I learned about Michael Jackson's death on Twitter.  Of course, I also read the news about Jeff Goldblum's and Bill Cosby's deaths on it as well.

It's really about the people who use it without regard to the followers whose timelines are crammed with inane, incoherent, redundant and incomprehensible crap. In a timeline of an hour's worth of accumulated tweets, one has to weed through approximately 400 pieces of chaff to get to two kernels of something that bears a resemblance to being even somewhat worthwhile.  To wit, in no particular order (and here, if you use twitter, I'm probably going to indirectly insult you in some way):

Stupid, half-assed memes

@Penileimplant We hold these wieners to be self-evident. #replaceawordinthedeclarationofindependencewithwiener

Some of these are amusing.  Most make you instantly regret using the precious seconds of your life to read this tripe. All outlive their usefulness after you see about 50 of them.

Hearing half a conversation

@TrampyMcHoho Oh, yeah @Fleenborowitz, well your just dumb for tweeting that.

@TrampyMcHoho Sorry for flying off the handle at you @Fleenborowitz. Of course I dip my cat in mayonaise.

@TrampyMcHoho LOLOLOLOL #drycleaning

Since I follow TrampyMcHoho (and, hey - who wouldn't?) and not Fleenborowitz, I only see half of this exchange because - this is important people, so listen up - TRAMPYMCHOHO DIDN'T USE THE "REPLY" BUTTON WHICH WOULD HAVE EFFECTIVELY HIDDEN THESE TWEETS FROM MY TIMELINE AND SPARED ME THE EXERCISE OF WASTING BRAIN CELLS ON TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL SHE'S TALKING ABOUT EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE!

Ahem.

Illiterate, bromide-spouting athletes

@KillerMcLinebacker Goign inta Philly an gonna get all up there shiznit! #Godisgreat #excellence

Self explanatory.

Retweet whoring of illiterate bromide-spouting athletes

RT @Duckfacedguido Yo @KillerMcLinebacker; Can I get a RT for the biggest @KillerMcLinebacker fan in south Utah!

Just because daddy never loved you - well, actually, it's easy to see why daddy never loved you.

News feeds that try to report everything

@NewsBreakage Rblarghistan's Minister of Poultry announced today that he may consider retirement at some point.

LearnedFoot announced today that he is unfollowing your sorry ass in favor of a news organization that's a bit more selective about what it tweets.



Twitter evangelists

There's been a nugget I've seen retweeted a number of times that pretty much sums up why I view Twitter as less of a medium and more of a pathology.  It generally goes something like this:

@Sadsackloserface Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met.  Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

Actually, this just means you suck at making friends in the corporeal world.  If I ever build up such a vein-popping admiration for people I know only through their (albeit well-crafted) 140 character bursts of mental flatus, it will be time for me to retire alone to the wilderness, wearing naught but a rabbit fur loincloth.

Play by play of TV shows / sports games / political debates I didn't watch

Few things make me want to gouge an eyeball out with Helen Thomas' dick more than opening my timeline to see 500 tweets giving the blow by blow action of last night's Dolphins-Browns tilt.  Live blogging served this purpose just fine.  Also, if I didn't watch the show / game / debate last night, it wasn't because I wanted to piece it together the next morning through tweets.


And now I'm off to post the link to this rant on Twitter.  Please retweet.

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