Tuesday, December 06, 2011

KAR FAQ - Extreme Makeover: Bobo Edition

Time once again, after a long absence, to reach into the hypothetical mailbag to extract conjectural reader questions and provide theoretical responses as if they had actually been real.

So, you're uh back then.  Huh?

Yes.  I guess.

Well, that's something then, isn't it?

I suppose.

I know that you are a must-read inside the State Capitol.  Is there anything you'd like to say to our elected representatives?

Yes.  *ahem*

Build the Block E casino.  Build it now.  Build it large.  Make it nice. Now.

Oh no! Surely you don't support the expansion of gambling! Think about all the secondary effects and new gambling addicts!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???!!!?1!!/??

I don't give a flying crap about the children (other than my own - the ones I'm responsible for). I can throw craps in Nevada and Wisconsin and even Io-freaking-wa, but in Minnesota I am not allowed to wedge my way into a crowded $10 table next to the stickman - as is our God-given right as sentient human adults. What kind of pansy are you anyway?

B-b-b-b-b-but what about the Indians?

What about 'em?  Block E is planned to be an upscale (think: Belaggio) joint in downtown Minneapolis - 30 miles from the nearest Indian casino. The two casinos would appeal to two different types of clientele.  Block E would draw the swanky martini-swilling Don Draper crowd as well as visitors staying downtown for the annual comic book or Furry conventions.  Mystic Lake won't lose an iota of their current target demographics: dessicated elderly slot jockeys hooked up to oxygen tanks and frat boys who think they know how to count cards.

But if it makes you feel any better, allow the Indians to host craps tables too.  It can be like downtown Vegas vs. the Strip 500x odds versus 5x odds and low vs. high table minimums.

You state a compelling case!  And the Vikings could then build their stadium without any taxpayer money!

Whoa there, Petunia!  I never said anything about giving any money to the Vikings.  That would just be stupid.
Moving on, I have a question that I am sure is burning in every mind in KAR Nation: Is Bobo the Talking Chimp® still alive?

Yes he is. And he is now 73% creepier. Bobo?

What ever happened to the MOB Mayor?

I don't know. I've been on hiatus for two years.  You tell me.

Well, the mayor was this guy named Johnny Roosh.  But he disappeared and hasn't been heard from in a long time.  The ensuing power vacuum has sown uncertainty and discord throughout the MOB.

The MOB is dead, remember? ORGASMB is the big new thing.


Oh come on! "ORGASMB" is just some silly fake thing you came up with to brilliantly express a point through satire like you always do.

ORGASMB is real, alright.  You just can't fake something like ORGASMB.

Whatever. Will you please moderate an emergency special election for MOB mayor anyway?  A desperate MOB neeeeeeds you!

*sigh* I suppose.  Coming soon, I guess.  But I warn you: in recent years, the MOB mayoral election has meant nothing but ennui and ruin to those unlucky enough to win it.  In fact, you have to go back to the first Mayor to even see anything even remotely resembling excellence in the office.  But I could be wrong.  I'm out of touch, and it's been a while since I thought about any of this.

Mister, we could use a man like Bogus Doug again.

Yeah...um, about Bogus Doug...

What?

[Discrete whispering]

...

Wow.

This KAR FAQ is over!

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