Monday, January 03, 2011

Bachelor Premiere Liveblog LOVEblog

Aaaaaand we're back. Refresh early. Refresh often.

(This Liveblog is dedicated to Ryan.)

7:05 - Late start. Mrs. Foot was hogging the laptop.

7:06 - The new - er, old - Bach proclaims he's ready for love. Six year old Moonchild replies "no you're not"! Oh SNAP!

****** COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME TO PEE *********

7:10 - Bach has a big "F" tattooed on his back. Make up your own obvious joke here.

7:11 - We meet our first B-ette: a dentist who talks to statues. I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE'S STILL SINGLE!

7:12 - B-ette #2 is an embalmer. I swear I am not making any of this up.

7:13 - B-ette # 3 is a weeper.

7:15 - B-ette # 4 is a cat person. I think this season is going to end just like Brad's first one.

7:16 - #6 is a single mom. RUN AWAY BRAD!

7:17 - #7 is a "manscaper". She rips the hair off of men's scroti. Sounds about right.

7:17 - Aaaand this catch is an aspiring vampire. PERSONAL NOTE: Starting 2nd glass of Bushmills.

7:17 - This Bachelorette is a country-western lyric who wishes she were dead. This Brad is one lucky guy.

***** COMMERCIAL BREAK ******

7:23 - THE BACHELORETTES ARE IN THE LIMO - REPEAT - THE PSYCHOS ARE IN THE THE PADDY WAGON.

7:25: CHRIS: Why would you do this again Brad? BRAD: I am a better man now. ME: No, you just are having trouble getting laid.

7:26: BACH: "I went thru years of therapy". And I foresee several more after spending six weeks with these freaks.

7:28: Bach's former dumpees are in the house! This would be dramatic except for the fact that sometime last season, The Bachelor had a "where are they now?" episode where the two babes said they were cool with him.

******* COMMERCIAL BREAK *********

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I will have to take a short break around 8:00 to put kids to bed. Please don't think I've abandoned you.

7:32 - Bach: "I feel like an idiot". So do we Brad. So. Do. We.

OBSERVATION: Brad reminds me a little of a less-douchey or more well-endowed Brett Favre.

7:34 - BOOOOOOORING! This dumpee interview would be a lot more interesting if the girls started a catfight and started tearing each other's clothes off.

7:34 - ...And then started making out.

7:38 - Something to ponder during the commercial: Why do people google the phrase "hockey sucks"? According to my sitemeter, a lot of them do, and then leave turds in my comment threads. It's like an entire sport has an inferiority complex. Discuss.

7:42 - HOLY CLEAVAGE!

7:42 - Hit her back! You pussy.

7:44 - FUN GAME: Take a drink every time the Bach sez "I love you already". Have the poison control center on speed dial.

7:45 - Drink!

7:46 - OK. Crazy Dentist Chick is pretty smokin'. I'll cop to it. Still wouldn't let her near me with a drill.

PROTIP: Ladies, fangs = dealbreaker. Call me shallow, but I'm just speaking truth.

7:51 - Still waiting for the Token Black Chick Who Will Make It to the Second Round to Placate the Diversity Crowd, But No Further™ (TBCWWMISRPDCBNF).

7:56 - The blonde insurance agent looks a lot like annoying orange.

7:58 - What the hell was the point of that?

7:59 - She's wearing ruby slippers, because she's from Kansas. Get it?

8:00 - I'm from Milwaukee, so I'm wearing cheese. Get it?

8:01 - Oh my. Keltie just let America know that she shaves her cooter.

8:02 - Mrs. Foot finally chimes in: "Where do they find these people"? Um, Kansas?

8:02: This one's a foodie. Brad looks like he'd like to eat her. (It's after 8; I can work blue now.)

BEDTIME FOR THE KIDS.

During the break, ponder the fact that no matter where you live, I now have a worse governor than you do. Unless you live in Minnesota. Then we'd be tied.

8:11 - Bach tells the ladies that if any of them wants to leave because they don't want to date a scuzzy retread, they can go. Shockingly, none of the publicity whores "Bachelorettes" accept the invitation.

8:18 - The only one that hasn't annoyed Mrs. Foot yet is the North Carolina country song babe.

8:19 - 5th glass of Bushmills

8:20 - We may have a televised waxing. The first since the Packers played the Vikings in the Metrodome in November.

8:21 - "Waxed Package" - THAT SHALL BE THE NAME OF MY BAND!!!!!

8:22 Mrs. Foot would like to know who calls a man's harry ass a "booty".

8:23 - That chick's singing just made the rest of Brad's hair fall off.

8:23 - There is NO WAY those are real.

8:24 - Sisyphus asks in the comments: "Does he get to sleep with all of these chicks"? Long answer: Not. Enough. Penicillian. In. The. World.

Short answer: Yes.

8:29 - Earth's greatest threat? Ryan Rhodes after eating a bulb of elephant garlic?

8:30 - I have decided to perform the remainder of this Liveblog while drinking my 6th glass of Bushmills and playing "Day Tripper" on the guitar.

8:31 - And hedflensajlfnd.n.fngsd; kbmngks;dfmgskmgkasmfgalkmlkmsm. Shit.

8:33 - Alright, here we go with Fangs.

8:35 - On the one hand, she's cool and sexy. On the other hand SHE'S A FUCKING PSYCHO!

8:36 - Give the rose to Fangs. PLEASE!

8:37 - Mrs. Foot wanted Emily to get the First Impression Rose®. We were both outsmarted by Brad Womack, who gave it to Ashley.

8:38 - Now searching for razor blades after realization that I was outsmarted by Brad Womack.

8:41 - I want to beat up the song "Turn the Beat Around". Then kill it and eat its children.

8:42 - BTW, I believe that "Turn the Beat Around's" children are "You Turn Me Right Round" and anything by the Bay City Rollers.

8:45 - OMG teh rose ceremony! EVERYBODY BE QUIET!

8:46 - Bach: "Three years is a long time to change." Huh?

8:47 - OMG FANGS GOT A ROSE!

There is NO WAY the producers had anything to do with that. This is *reality* TV after all.

8:48 - The esthetician got a rose followed by the shaved cooter chick. I SMELL A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY (among other things...ewww).

8:50 - Good God - how many roses are there?

8:51 - Chantelle *M*? You mean there's more than one Chantelle????

8:52 - Confirmed: there are 2 Chantelles. There are zero Bridgets.

8:55 - OK fellas -there are at least 15 skanky babes out there that are definitely on the rebound. Unfortunately, none of them have fangs. Go get 'em!

8:56 - This historic Liveblog is over! (Stay tuned for Castle.)