Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Total Recall -or- The Broadway Musical "Rent" Can Teach Us a Lot About Political Featherbedding

So let's get this straight:

* Public unions donate bigtime money to Democrats running for office.

* Democrats running for office use the money to get elected.

* Once elected, these Democrats (if a sufficient number of them get elected), as one of the duties of their office, bargain with these same unions - who gave them all that money to get them elected - to set the level of their members' pay, benefits etc.?

Most people would call this, charitably, patronage; or uncharitably, "legalized bribery by proxy".  Such models are fine in sewers like Chicago where they've come to be accepted practice over dozens of years. And you know, Illinois is the model of fiscal stability, so whatever.

But if you really think about it, it's kind of a shitty deal for taxpayers, who effectively have no spot at the bargaining table, even though they are funding whatever contract is reached.

Side note: ever notice that it's fine-to-the-point-of-recalling-a-Governor for unions to throw money at candidates so that those candidates in turn will throw more money from the public treasury back at them.  But if a corporation donates money to a PAC these same people start shrieking like a bunch of little bitches about how "unjust" and "corrupt" the system is.

That is why I try to ignore those people.

So a guy comes along who runs for governor saying he's going to change that if he's elected, and does.

That, of course, cannot stand (even though 52% of the voters in Wisconsin said it could as recently as last November).

And thus the Wisconsin recall of Scott Walker is in full swing:

Organizers of the effort to recall Wisconsin Republican Gov. Scott Walker from office said Monday they have collected 300,000 signatures, more than half of what is needed to force an election.


The United Wisconsin coalition needs 540,208 signatures by Jan. 17 to force a recall election sometime in 2012. They reported Monday that over half the number needed had been collected in just 12 days, with signatures coming in from all 72 Wisconsin counties.


The recall drive was motivated by anger over Walker’s proposal effectively ending collective bargaining rights for most public workers. The law passed in March despite massive protests and the fleeing of all 14 Democratic state senators to Illinois for three weeks.
Assuming all the signatures are valid (I don't - because I don't trust these people, that's why) the entitlement addicts are already halfway to their goal of 540,208 signatories to their petition.

540,208...

You know, this makes me want to...

...

SING!



SEASONS OF RAGE

(Sung to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from the musical "Rent".)

Cheesy midi version here. Sing along!

[ALL:]
Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures;
Five hundred forty thousand
Bitter Democrats

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
Why do lefties act - act like brats?

In petitions - In elections
In outrage - In union cash
In bitching - In moaning
In slanderous TV ads up the ass!

In - Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures;
How Do You Measure
How many suckle at the state teat?

How about rage?
How about rage?
How about rage?
Vein-popping rage.

Elections of rage.
Elections of rage.

[UNEMPLOYED GENDER STUDIES MAJOR / PROFESSIONAL ACTIVIST:]

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
Five hundred forty thousand
Addresses and names

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
How do you measure how many people
Ride the state gravy train?

[TOOTHLESS UNION GOON:]

It's past time that we turn
To a stupid recall election
The bridges we will burn
To keep that big fat pension

[TOOTHLESS DEMOCRATIC STATE SENATOR:]


It's time now - to campaign
Election season never ends
Let's start a PAC
Donate your dues to your Democrat friends

[THE SONG ENDS HERE AS THE STATE SENATOR FLEES TO ILLINOIS]

Monday, November 28, 2011

How Would You Like to See the Vikings' Season End?

SCENARIO 1:

Now.  Please.

SCENARIO 2:

The Vikings show once and for all they can't even fail correctly by running the table, winning their remaining games, and getting the 8th or 9th pick in the draft, which they use to draft a long snapper.

SCENARIO 3:

Planning for the future, the Vikings trade soon-to-be-over-the-hill running back Adrian Peterson for a 3rd and a 4th round draft pick and the nephew of Herschel Walker.

SCENARIO 4:

Minnesota Attorney General Lori Whatserface (Hatch?) obtains an indictment and conviction of Zygi Wilf on racketeering charges and has him deported to Sweden even though he claims that he's not from there.

SCENARIO 5:

Can we please stop talking about the Vikings?

SCENARIO 6:

A drunken 350 pound Viking fan sitting in the upper deck of the Metrodome at the Viking's final home game mistakenly thinks she sees an image of Tim Tebow in her basket of nachos.  Overcome with emotion she strips naked during the 3rd quarter, takes to the field and starts humping the east goalpost.  The remaining crowd, all bolting for the exit at once to avoid seeing such a thing (though the Vikings losing by 4 touchdowns at the time doesn't help), causes a sudden decrease of air pressure leading to the second roof collapse in as many years. Zygi Wilf, disgusted, doesn't wait until the end of the game to move the team to Des Moines, and also buys most of northern Ramsey County, renaming it "Zygiland" and allowing it to be annexed by Canada.  Governor Dayton emerges briefly from his office, says something incoherent to the press, and then crawls under his receptionist's desk to suck his thumb.  With nowhere else left to turn, Minnesotans try to become Packer fans only to see Wisconsin's governor mobilize the Wisconsin National Guard to the banks of the St. Croix River holding large banners reading "GET BENT YOU NOUVEAU-HOSER BANDWAGON JUMPERS!"


How would you like to see the Vikings season end?
SCENARIO 1
SCENARIO 2
SCENARIO 3
SCENARIO 4
SCENARIO 5
SCENARIO 6
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The MOB is Dead. Long Live the ORGASMB!

UPDATE: WELCOME DUMP BACHMANN WINDOWLICKERS!!! Speaking of kooks and nutballs...

Now that you're here, please go away and return to stalking people or seething in impotent rage in your basements, or whatever the hell it is you do. But do please say "hi" to former Screw magazine "cartoonist" Ken Weiner for me! Then watch him jump into the closet and hide like a little girl at the very mention of me!

BOO!

************

Perusing the postings by several folks in the Minnesota Organization of Blogs Facebook page and elsewhere, I have made a regrettable observation:
The MOB has achieved a critical mass of crackpots and kooks.  It's time to bail. 

The impetus of my epiphany came for the following exchange.  My first, and last on that forum.  The context is unimportant.

KOOK 1: Blah blah blah BLAH BLAH blah blah THE JEWS!!!!! blah blah blah blah [indecipherable conspiracy nonsense] blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!

KOOK 2:  [Nearly iindecipherable declaration of approval for Kook 1's assertions, along with more nonsense expressed through a slew of misspelled words.] RON PAUL!!!!!

ME:  We need a MOB Facebook page for non-lunatics. 

[What follows is - I shit you not - the verbatim replies to my admittedly provocative comment.]

KOOK 1:  For Foot, ignorance is bliss! Have fun in your circle jerk!

KOOK 2:  @foot your funny why don't we delete your posts at every turn and shut your mike off when u speak and when u eventually do I'll label u a fascist freak...

ME:  Like I said...

KOOK 1:   Lucky for me, Foot, you or those that DO NOT THINK FOR THEMSELVES do not define me. You describe yourself well!


Diversifi your infolio, otherwise you are just talking to yourself!

[Note: after this exchange, I deleted my comments so that it looks like the Kooks are talking to themselves.  Just like when they're offline.]

I don't want to be associated with these insane knee jerkers any more.  I therefore and hereby with all due speed, humility and regret secede from the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers effective immediately. The MOB is over, most of you just don't know it yet.

However, as nature abhors a vacuum, I have created a new blog alliance that can be sucked into the place of esteem the once-great MOB once held.  I invite all bloggers of goodwill, sanity and - most importantly - coherent thought to join me in the new Organization of Really Great And Sane Minnesota Bloggers. We even have a Facebook page.  It is a closed group requiring moderator approval to join.  That way, we can keep the kooks out.  While the insane political types can be amusing to watch, like Jesse Ventura, they should never be allowed to influence anything or make themselves representatives of the whole because of their outspokenness.  Like Jesse Ventura.

I am now accepting applications for this new blog alliance.  You're blog is guaranteed acceptance if you meet the following three requirements: 1) You don't believe that America is run by a cabal of Jewish bankers bent on world domination; B) You are otherwise free from paranoid delusions; and 4) you can construct a coherent sentence with passable grammar and most of the words spelled correctly (sorry Teh Andee).  You can apply in the comments to this post or on the Facebook page.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011

WE WIN!

In a move that can only be attributed to the return of KAR and the existential threat that bore on its mission, longtime KAR pincushion The Minnesotaoros Monitor "Independent" is calling the dogs and pissing on the campfire:

I am writing today to announce the closure of the Minnesota Independent. After five years of operation in Minnesota, the board of the American Independent News Network, has decided to shift publication of its news into a single site, The American Independent at Americanindependent.com.


Ah, taking it national! This will inevitably lead to literally tens of people throughout the country frequently mumbling "Who the hell is Bradlee Dean and why do these hunyucks keep writing about him?"

This is part of a shift in strategy, towards new forms of journalism made available as technology has advanced,

So now they're going to beam leftist BS masquerading as "news" directly into your brains now, apparently.

and an increasing emphasis on national coverage and issue-based coverage from our network.

Because the glorious advance of technology has made local politics obsolete!

Over the coming months, AINN will announce a number of new journalism initiatives that will continue to advance our mission of producing impact journalism in the public interest.


More concentrated Sorosbucks and a tab on the webpage dedicated exclusively to Bradlee Dean!

To some this move may seem to mean that The Center for "Independent" Media (or whatever Orwellian moniker they go by now) sees Their Guy in the White House in trouble a year out of the election and decided their resources might be more effectively marshaled toward helping get his sorry ass reelected rather than by constantly reporting on every bowel movement of some third-rate kook radio preacher. Oh, and the Republican primaries are about a month away too...
 
But those familiar with KAR know better.  They know: we scared them shitless.
 
I'd like to thank Ryan (AKA "Xerxes") and Mitch over at Shot in the Dark who contributed to this victory through their persistent mocking and cajoling of the CIM (OWOMTGBN) over the years.  While KAR could have done it without you, it may have taken longer.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Why Twitter Sucks and Is Bad

Twitter annoys me.

Well, it's not really Twitter itself that sucks, though it certainly does share some guilt as an enabler (more on that in a moment).  Twitter is a perfectly fine communication medium in and of itself.  Heck, I learned about Michael Jackson's death on Twitter.  Of course, I also read the news about Jeff Goldblum's and Bill Cosby's deaths on it as well.

It's really about the people who use it without regard to the followers whose timelines are crammed with inane, incoherent, redundant and incomprehensible crap. In a timeline of an hour's worth of accumulated tweets, one has to weed through approximately 400 pieces of chaff to get to two kernels of something that bears a resemblance to being even somewhat worthwhile.  To wit, in no particular order (and here, if you use twitter, I'm probably going to indirectly insult you in some way):

Stupid, half-assed memes

@Penileimplant We hold these wieners to be self-evident. #replaceawordinthedeclarationofindependencewithwiener

Some of these are amusing.  Most make you instantly regret using the precious seconds of your life to read this tripe. All outlive their usefulness after you see about 50 of them.

Hearing half a conversation

@TrampyMcHoho Oh, yeah @Fleenborowitz, well your just dumb for tweeting that.

@TrampyMcHoho Sorry for flying off the handle at you @Fleenborowitz. Of course I dip my cat in mayonaise.

@TrampyMcHoho LOLOLOLOL #drycleaning

Since I follow TrampyMcHoho (and, hey - who wouldn't?) and not Fleenborowitz, I only see half of this exchange because - this is important people, so listen up - TRAMPYMCHOHO DIDN'T USE THE "REPLY" BUTTON WHICH WOULD HAVE EFFECTIVELY HIDDEN THESE TWEETS FROM MY TIMELINE AND SPARED ME THE EXERCISE OF WASTING BRAIN CELLS ON TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL SHE'S TALKING ABOUT EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE!

Ahem.

Illiterate, bromide-spouting athletes

@KillerMcLinebacker Goign inta Philly an gonna get all up there shiznit! #Godisgreat #excellence

Self explanatory.

Retweet whoring of illiterate bromide-spouting athletes

RT @Duckfacedguido Yo @KillerMcLinebacker; Can I get a RT for the biggest @KillerMcLinebacker fan in south Utah!

Just because daddy never loved you - well, actually, it's easy to see why daddy never loved you.

News feeds that try to report everything

@NewsBreakage Rblarghistan's Minister of Poultry announced today that he may consider retirement at some point.

LearnedFoot announced today that he is unfollowing your sorry ass in favor of a news organization that's a bit more selective about what it tweets.



Twitter evangelists

There's been a nugget I've seen retweeted a number of times that pretty much sums up why I view Twitter as less of a medium and more of a pathology.  It generally goes something like this:

@Sadsackloserface Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met.  Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

Actually, this just means you suck at making friends in the corporeal world.  If I ever build up such a vein-popping admiration for people I know only through their (albeit well-crafted) 140 character bursts of mental flatus, it will be time for me to retire alone to the wilderness, wearing naught but a rabbit fur loincloth.

Play by play of TV shows / sports games / political debates I didn't watch

Few things make me want to gouge an eyeball out with Helen Thomas' dick more than opening my timeline to see 500 tweets giving the blow by blow action of last night's Dolphins-Browns tilt.  Live blogging served this purpose just fine.  Also, if I didn't watch the show / game / debate last night, it wasn't because I wanted to piece it together the next morning through tweets.


And now I'm off to post the link to this rant on Twitter.  Please retweet.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

V

[Several hours later.  Kool Aid Guy feeling better.]

KOOL AID GUY: So what did I miss?

BILL: Well, Apple Computer now makes phones.

KAG: That's good!

BILL: At first you could only use them with AT&T

KAG:  That's bad.

BILL: There was an outbreak of bird flu, followed by an outbreak of swine flu.

KAG: That's bad!

BILL: Both strains killed a total of three people.

KAG:  That's, er...good.

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: The President is a black guy now.

KAG:  That's good!

HOAG: He's an unapologetic socialist who is way out of his depth.

KAG:  That's bad.

OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY: Brett Favre played for the Vikings.

KAG: That's bad!

OPG: He completely destroyed the franchise for years to come.

KAG:  That's... totally expected.

ANALOG KID: This gag was totally ripped off from The Simpsons.

KAG:  That's bad.

Awkward silence.

HOAG: In other news, nobody reads blogs anymore. Wait. [Checks analytics and comments.] Yep. Nobody.

KAG: Why is that?

BILL: Because everybody uses Twitter now.

KAG: What's a Twitter?

HOAG: It's like sending text messages to the world while getting stalked by creepy people.

KAG: Why in the world would anyone want to do that?

[A door flies open.  LEARNEDFOOT stumbles into room.]

LEARNEDFOOT: Why indeed!

BILL: Uh oh.  I feel a rant coming on...

[And scene.]