Friday, February 24, 2012

A MOB Party Tipsheet and Etiquette Guide for Losers

Since the semiannual MOB party is tomorrow, now would be a good time to review the guidelines for proper behavior and share a few tips to make it an enjoyable experience for everyone.
* There are only a handful of regulars that can pull off a Hawaiian shirt.  You know who you are.  If you can't, we will all know who you are.

* If King Rep. Baniaiaiaian is present, all attendees must - MUST - approach him and implore him to introduce a bill legalizing craps games in Minnesota casinos.  Then make a crack about his tie and hairspray.

* If you want to meet everybody in the room, hit up Mitch.  He will introduce you to literally everybody in the room.

*  That said, there will be many, many attendees you definitely don't want to meet.

*  Please, if you eat, unless she stabs you in your groin with a fork you should tip your waitress at least 15% for adequate service (20% for good service).  If you are only dealing with the bartender, $1 per drink is perfectly fine. Don't embarrass yourself.  Bad tipping is for leftists and the Nihilist in Golf Pants. 

*  Should you find yourself without a lighter, the glare off Captain Ed's head is usually sufficient to ignite your stogie.

*  As a general rule, the funniest and best conversations are among the Catholics in attendance (Ed, Sisyphus, The Nihilist, Atomizer, Brian Ward,  me etc.).  A notable exception to this rule is Chad the Elder who will bore the holy living crap out of you with a detailed breakdown of his NCAA Hockey brackets.

*  That said, we probably won't want to talk to you because we will be busy exploring new and innovative methods of ripping on the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

*  If you feel compelled to distribute business cards promoting your Twitter handle or your crappy little rantblog, you need to seriously examine where your life went so horribly, horribly wrong.

*  Be forewarned men: the urinals in the Old Mexico men's room are so close together you may have to go to confession after you pee.

*  Paulbots: you're all loony-tunes and I'm not interested in your erroneous ignorant laughable to the point of self-parody "insights" on Constitutional Law.  If I want a good laugh at the expense of someone's legal ignorance, I'll go to something actually interesting, like the Topco decision

*  Yeah yeah, I'm an "Enemy of Liberty".  Whatever.  Go away.

*  At the end of the evening it has become customary - nay! a Christmas-level tradition - for every partygoer to give me $5 for brightening their lives and generally making the party a success.  I can provide change if necessary.

Hopefully, if everybody observes these simple guidelines, we can all have a good time and finally get craps legalized in Minnesota.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The King of Memes

Our old pal King Baniaiaiaiaiaiain + Union activist jackwagons = KAR gold baby!

Check it:

When John Pederson, Steve Gottwalt and King Banaian scheduled Friday night's town hall meeting at St. Cloud's Public Library, they had no way of knowing that public employee unions were planning on disrupting it. Things didn't get ugly immediately but it didn't take long before things got out of control.

***

In fact, the most confrontational moment came when Rep. Banaian was answering another right-to-work question. Jerry Albertine interrupted, saying “Don’t sit there with your hairspray and your tie, you’ve never worked labor, and say you know what the unions are about.”

Oh snap!

Ladies and gentlemen: the birth of a meme!



Make your own!

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I Agree With Keith Ellison

...But I think he doesn't nearly go far enough:

U.S. Rep. Keith Ellison, D-Minn., joined by representatives of student, senior and disabled voters, called on Minnesota Democrats to unify in opposition to a photo ID requirement for voting.


He said that while most Minnesotans carry an approved, government-issued photo ID, "that's not true of everybody. And this democracy has got to work for everybody."

Right on! Testify!

Opponents like Ellison say there is no proof that there is a problem now that would be solved by photo IDs. They view it as an attempt by Republicans to suppress the voice of elderly, disabled and poor voters who are most likely not to have a current-address ID.

I totally agree with this, but there are other voting practices already on the books that are just as onerous as requiring ID.  I am speaking, of course, about voter registration.

In order to vote in Minnesota, you must be registered. There are 2 ways to register in Minnesota: before the election or on the day of the election.  The Secretary of State's website "explains" this Byzantine, confusing process:

Registering before Election Day



You may register to vote by completing a Voter Registration Application and submitting it by mail or in-person to your local election official. Find contact information for your county elections official by using the Election Official Directory.


Seriously. You have to 1) fill out an application and 2) mail it.  Since when do I have to "apply" to exercise my God given rights under the Constitution?

And secondly, what about all those poor people who don't have a budget for stamps? Or lack the means to go out and get them?

I'll tell you what about them: DISENFRANCHISEMENT!!!!!2!111

But that's OK, says The Man, since you can register at your polling place on Election Day:

Registering on Election Day



If you are not registered to vote or need to update your registration information, you may do so at your local polling location on Election Day as long as you can provide proof of residence.

To register at your polling place on Election Day, you must bring one of the following with your current name and address to verify your residence in the precinct :


•A valid Minnesota driver’s license, learner’s permit, Minnesota ID card, or receipt for any of these


•A valid student ID card including your photo, if your college has provided a student housing list to election officials


•A Tribal ID card that contains your picture and signature


•A valid registration in the same precinct under a different name or address


•A notice of late registration sent to you by your county auditor or city clerk


•A voter registered in the same precinct as you who can confirm your address with a signed oath


•An employee of the residential facility where you live who can confirm your address with a signed oath


•Both 1) a photo ID from the list below, and 2) a current bill from the list below with your current name and address in the precinct

To recap, the same-day voter registration rules discriminate against:

* People without photo IDs (!!!!)

* People who are not students

* Non-Native Americans

* People who previously registered in the same precinct at a different address under the same name (or a different name / same address and now I have a headache)

* People not residing in group homes

* People who don't get the required permission to register late

* People who don't have both 1) a photo ID and 2) a friend.

And in addition to those mentioned above, it impacts minorities and old people even more because, if certain general rhetoric is to be believed, everything does.
 
I also assert that there is no evidence of any problems that the voter registration process is meant to address.  Why can't people just go to the polls and cast their vote? I'll tell you why: because they want to disenfranchise the lazy, inept, apathetic and stupid, that's why!  And those people have rights too.
 
And since the lazy, inept, apathetic, and stupid comprise a fair chunk of Rep. Ellison's voter base, I think he should join us in eliminating this appalling suppression of our basic rights!
 
END VOTER REGISTRATION REQUIREMENTS NOW!

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Extremely Narrow and Incredibly Dumb

R0n P@u1 may be a decent candidate and a decent guy.  I have no way of knowing this for sure since his primary campaign messaging system seems to be the evangelizing of his most ardent supporters.  If that is indeed his strategy, he needs to hire a bigtime PR firm right now.  Ideally, it would be a PR company that specializes in running around duct taping the mouths of all your most ardent supporters shut.

You know them: they speak or write in a stilted, sage-like tone imbued with the absolutely certainty that they have All the Answers. Even when they are bloviating about how the Fed is unconstitutional (it's not), or pontificating on their infallible interpretation of the Constitution (almost always wrong), or about how Jews hate Sharia law because Sharia law forbids payment interest and the Jews are all bankers (they, er - ah just stick an icepick in my eye), they come across with a certain smug attitude that can only come from someone who lives in a world completely devoid of shades of grey.

That was all a long way of saying that they are, or should be, extremely annoying to anyone who has had to think critically about anything ever.  If you think, for example, that there should be at least some kind of public safety net, since it's not in the national interest to have corpses of people who've died of starvation rotting in the gutters, why then YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF LIBERTY AND SHOULD GO TO CUBA YOU COMMIE LIBERTY HATING LIBERTY HATER!

Which brings us to the following tweets that somehow got wedged into my timeline the other day:

Their keynote speaker [Allen West, I think -ed.] is right in line with at least one of the dinner's fascist namesakes. Who needs Habeas Corpus?

This tweet was regarding some Minnesota GOP confab called the "Reagan-Lincoln Dinner".  I think.  Inside baseballers can correct me if I'm wrong.  But I'm sure that it's the "Lincoln-Reagan" something.

This tweet from someone else soon followed:

Look at the name of the dinner-- #Lincoln would have loved #NDAA. He was all over baseless, unconstitutional detentions.

Lincoln was a...

Fascist. 

Because he suspended the writ of habeas corpus -

Hang on here a sec.  I need to put my brain back in my head.

...

There. Continuing where I left off.

suspended the writ of habeas corpus (big inhale) DURING A CIVIL-FUCKING-WAR.

BEARDED UNION INFANTRYMAN: Sir what shall we do with those 300 Reb prisoners we just done captured?

BEARDED SARGEANT: Dunno yet.  Corporal Jebediah still a-draftin' the charging papers.

BUI: What we chargin' them with, sarge?

BS: The same things as those thousands of others we done captured before: SHOOTING AT US DURING A CIVIL-FUCKING-WAR! Consarn it.

Maybe they should have just slaughtered the prisoners like King Richard did at Acre during the Third Crusade.  That worked out well for him.

Oh wait.

Anyway, I find it interesting that, in the Paulbot calculus, Lincoln's suspension of habeas wasn't outweighed by his other accomplishments in the advancement of liberty.  Things like, oh, I don't know, ENDING SLAVERY?

When you see the world as only black and white, you can only pick one color.  When you do, it often makes you look stupid. No matter which one you choose.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The News in Haikus

Broken nose, black eyes.
I guess that the puck was seared,
SEARED into his face.

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Pay the city, please.

Don't Cry, Heidi, our
Wedding Day was a Prayer for 
The Dying. Crazy.

A Coronal mass
Ejection to blast stream at
Earth. Hot gigity!

Monday, January 23, 2012

fleen

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING COMIC STRIP IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYONE.  VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.


fleen by learnedfoot


Friday, January 20, 2012

Attention Lefty-Bloggers: Meet the New Guy Who Tells Everybody in the MOB What to Write

The polls are closed, and for the first time in MOB election history, we have a winner on the first round of balloting.

But first, let us pause to make fun of the also-rans:

ECKER -  13 votes; 18%.

We all knew Kevie would finish in 2nd place.  That's because the saying goes "nice guys finish last". There were 4 other guys below him.

STEWART - 12 votes; 17%
I know John to be a great guy, which makes me think that his failure here was that there were many voters who misunderstood the meaning of the "Master of Sausages" moniker.

REDSQUIRREL - 7 votes; 10%

Early analysis of exit polling indicates the Redwombat, or whatever his name is, managed to vote for himself 7 times.

BEN - 2 votes; 3%

Early analysis of exit polling indicates that Ben was too incompetent to vote for himself more than 2 times.

And so our runaway winner and new Mayor of the MOB, with 38 votes (53%), is Mr. D of Mr. Dillitant's Dillatantes Dellattante's D's Neighborhood!

[polite applause]
 
It's not hard to see the reasons behind Mr. D's historically successful campaign. [BEGIN TRUE NORTH-WORTHY ACTIVIST INSIDE BASEBALL QUOTE] He had a solid ground game in a low-turnout year, with enthusiastic volunteers phone banking and caucusing with a microtargeting strategy that increased his voter ID efforts.  Lit drop. [END TRUE NORTH-WORTHY ACTIVIST INSIDE BASEBALL QUOTE]
 
Mr. D may assume the office immediately, wielding his power like a spiked mace made out of nerf.  That's inflatable.
 
Oh, and he also gets to display this totally copyrighted logo on his site:
 

There will be a swearing-in ceremony at the Winter MOB Party at that Mexican joint in Roseville on February 25th.  Hopefully that takes place before the recall efforts begin in earnest.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Most Important Election of This Generation Month

The polls are now OPEN!!!111!!  It's right over there, atop the sidebar.

Since it's been a while, let's recap the rules:

1. One vote per computer, per day.

2. Excessive abuse of Rule 1 will be dealt with by the MOB-SOSFL in an appropriate and capricious manner.

3. Polls close Friday. If I remember.

4. If no single candidate gets more than a simple majority of votes, there will be a runoff election next week between the two candidates with the highest vote totals.  No, that's not ranked choice voting so shut the hell up.  Only moron governments use RCV.

Just a reminder that all candidates are encouraged to continue insulting each other throughout the election, and indeed, after its over as well.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The 2011-2012 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 3 - Closing Arguments

BREAKING NEWS: KAR has just learned that Bobo the Talking Chimp has suspended his campaign for MOB Mayor.  Sources close to the campaign tell KAR that he had an inappropriate relationship with a banana.  Bobo has only released this cryptic statement.

On to the final debate question.

RULES: Candidates may answer the following question in the comments to this post, or on their own blogs with a link back to in the comments to this post. I know the typical KAR reader doesn't fully apprehend the concepts of "leaving a comment" or even general engagement, but I have faith that they will somehow figure it out. Poop fart poop fart booger wiener.  Vagina.

QUESTION: Which ONE (no more, no less)of your fellow mayoral candidates is the least suitable to be MOB Mayor? Please explain why this person would be an embarrassment / pose an existential threat to the art of blogging / just sucks in general.  DIFFICULTY: You may NOT use capital letters, punctuation and the letter 'b'.

Please not that this is the final debate question.  Initial polls will open Monday.  Good luck to all the candidates.  Except that squirrel guy, whoever the hell he is.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

The 2011-2012 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 2

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we're back. Sorry for the delay.

I was going to have a "Rate the Debate" followup to the first question, but I shelved it because a) I think voters should make up their own minds as to who won without input from outside influences who might have an agenda or wish to advance a prefabricated storyline to generate traffic (not that that ever happens in politics), and 2) I didn't feel like writing it.

So let's just say that most polls showed Kevin Ecker taking 2nd place.

RULES: Candidates may answer the following question in the comments to this post, or on their own blogs with a link back to in the comments to this post. I know the typical KAR reader doesn't fully apprehend the concepts of "leaving a comment" or even general engagement, but I have faith that they will somehow figure it out. And no, Ecker, you don't need weapon anywhere in this process.

Please watch the following video:
 

 
Can't. Stop. Laughing.
 
Anyway, here's the question; a two-parter:
 
The once stalwart Nihilist in Golf Pants blog has devolved into a cheap (and bad) sports betting advice site. Please answer both of the following:
 
1) What do you think are the causes of its decline?
 
2) Would you use the MOB Mayor's power of eminent domain to take the blog?  If so, how would you rehabilitate the property, or to what new use would you put it?