A MOB Party Tipsheet and Etiquette Guide for Losers
Since the semiannual MOB party is tomorrow, now would be a good time to review the guidelines for proper behavior and share a few tips to make it an enjoyable experience for everyone.
* There are only a handful of regulars that can pull off a Hawaiian shirt. You know who you are. If you can't, we will all know who you are.
* If King Rep. Baniaiaiaian is present, all attendees must - MUST - approach him and implore him to introduce a bill legalizing craps games in Minnesota casinos. Then make a crack about his tie and hairspray.
* If you want to meet everybody in the room, hit up Mitch. He will introduce you to literally everybody in the room.
* That said, there will be many, many attendees you definitely don't want to meet.
* Please, if you eat, unless she stabs you in your groin with a fork you should tip your waitress at least 15% for adequate service (20% for good service). If you are only dealing with the bartender, $1 per drink is perfectly fine. Don't embarrass yourself. Bad tipping is for leftists and the Nihilist in Golf Pants.
* Should you find yourself without a lighter, the glare off Captain Ed's head is usually sufficient to ignite your stogie.
* As a general rule, the funniest and best conversations are among the Catholics in attendance (Ed, Sisyphus, The Nihilist, Atomizer, Brian Ward, me etc.). A notable exception to this rule is Chad the Elder who will bore the holy living crap out of you with a detailed breakdown of his NCAA Hockey brackets.
* That said, we probably won't want to talk to you because we will be busy exploring new and innovative methods of ripping on the Nihilist in Golf Pants.
* If you feel compelled to distribute business cards promoting your Twitter handle or your crappy little rantblog, you need to seriously examine where your life went so horribly, horribly wrong.
* Be forewarned men: the urinals in the Old Mexico men's room are so close together you may have to go to confession after you pee.
* Paulbots: you're all loony-tunes and I'm not interested in your erroneousignorantlaughable to the point of self-parody "insights" on Constitutional Law. If I want a good laugh at the expense of someone's legal ignorance, I'll go to something actually interesting, like the Topco decision.
* Yeah yeah, I'm an "Enemy of Liberty". Whatever. Go away.
* At the end of the evening it has become customary - nay! a Christmas-level tradition - for every partygoer to give me $5 for brightening their lives and generally making the party a success. I can provide change if necessary.
Hopefully, if everybody observes these simple guidelines, we can all have a good time and finally get craps legalized in Minnesota.