Saturday, December 31, 2005

One small step for KAR...

one giant leap in the evolution of our blog. Click here to hear (ha!) our first REAL blogcast, or KAR Kast as we may call them. Laugh. Cry. Set your speakers on fire. We promise to work on our form.

Friday, December 30, 2005


No promises, but...

Bill and I may actually do an audio post this weekend. As we speak, Bill is feverishly decorating fruit pies learning how to use several cool audio aps that he downloaded, as well as aquainting himself with various audio production techniques.

Yes, soon you will be able to hear LearnedFoot's nasally drone and Nihilist Wannabee Bill's high tinny squeak!

The dream shall soon be a reality. Stay tuned for Radio Free Kool Flavor Aid.

Moron Mail

The Strib has employed a new tactic to subdue Moron Mail. Namely, they haven't posted today's drooling missives (the letters in today's edition can only be described as a "target-rich environment") online yet.

But I shall not be silenced!

I shall overcome!

I shall type it out myself!

I shall duct tape my head!

Free ad for the right

If the new talk radio station FM 103.3 needs an advertisement, why not let it pay for one instead of the Star Tribune giving it one on the front page of the newspaper?

I kept looking for that supposed "liberal bias" as I read the article... but it was all slanted to the right.

And here I will pause so that y'all can compose yourselves from the uncontrollable belly laughs caused by this moron's inability to distinguish between right wing slant, and merely a news story concerned with right-wing subjects.


Everybody ready? OK.

How about Air America Radio (AM950) [FREE ADVERTISEMENT! -ed.] Or the wonderful [heh. -ed.] FM107 (WFMP) [FREE ADVERTISEMENT! -ed.], a talk radio station popular [heh. -ed.] with women?

Please be fair and balanced - and only in the truest sense of those words!

THERESA FARTKNOCKER, Minneapolis Bundledinacocoonavoidinganyinfluencefromoutsidehertinyworldviewville.

Here is Theresa's definition of "fair and balanced in the truest sense":

Puff pieces about lefty radio stations aren't free advertising.

NOTE: Since both papers clear older stories out of their archives, and the debut of Air "America" is an "old story", you'll forgive the rather odd places linked to above, which carried some or part of those Air "America" debut articles. And yes, I know that the first link is to a story that first appeared in the PiPress. I included it to make up for a Strib story that I found in a Westnews database (a service like Nexis) but could not find reproduced anywhere on line.

So piss off.

Iron Maiden and the Rolling Stones Can Teach Us a Lot About Whose Side Time Is On

Time is ... on my side. -Iron Maiden, Rolling Stones.

Has 2005 been such a crappy year for you that you anxiously await its end? It has? Well, that's too bad, because this year, you're going to have to wait just a little longer to, in a drunken haze, kiss that ugly chick you've never met before at midnight at whichever crappy New Year's party you happen to be attending:

Scientists are going to add a "leap second" to 2005. The extra second will be added one second before 6 p.m. Central Standard Time on New Year's Eve.

Leap seconds are needed occasionally because modern atomic clocks measure time with great accuracy, while the rotation of the Earth can be inconsistent.

The rotation of the Earth has been gradually slowing down, so leap seconds keep the clocks and the Earth from getting out of synch with one another.

I'm sure that the slowing of the earth's rotation is the result of Chimpie McBushitler's stubborn refusal to abide by the Kyoto Protocols.

I wish I would have heard about this sooner, so I could have petitioned the powers that be to add that extra second during Major's Thursday free beer special. Just think of the stupid bar tricks you could do:

WAITRESS: Last call for happy hour special.

LEARNEDFOOT: [looks at watch] ...


LF: ...

WAITRESS: You're running out of time pal.

LF: Hang on...

WAITRESS: [Now looking at her watch] You've got ten seconds left.

LF: Just a little longer...

WAITRESS: 4...3...2...1...Time's u-


WAITRESS: You know, you just missed the special, pal.

LF: [Holds up clipped copy of news article about leap second] Not so fast. I got my order in with a nanosecond to spare. HA!

WAITRESS: [Reads article for a moment] Wow! Are you a twerp! Yet I find you irresistibly attractive.

LF: I get that a lot. Now make with the beer. Chop chop. It's not like we're going to get another extra second this year.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

They're Not Even Trying to Hide It Any More

I suppose you could support the assertion that the Nazi holocaust never happened by citing reams of "evidence" and "analysis" that just happened to all be published in the Iranian state media. I mean your theory would still be complete and utter bullshit, but at least you would have supported it with some sort of "authoritative" evidence. That would make you "intellectually honest."

In the same way that the Strib is today in its semi-weekly "ignore your own experience - the economy is shitty because we don't like who the president is and think that the top marginal tax rate should be returned to 75%" institutional (as in Bellevue) voice editorial:

On this point the evidence is clear: Despite billions of dollars in tax relief and fiscal stimulus, this is a subpar expansion. Since the recession ended in late 2001, gross domestic product has grown at an average annual rate of 3.3 percent. That's well below the postwar average of 4.5 percent. Measured against other recoveries, the current expansion also lags in job creation, wage growth and business investment, according to a new analysis by the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities in Washington, D.C. (Yes, the center is known for its liberal politics. But data from the Economic Report of the President show the same pattern.) Wages for nonsupervisory workers have actually gone down, not up, during this expansion.

Whoa, there cowpoke! Did I just read what I thought I just read?

(Yes, the center is known for its liberal politics. But data from the Economic Report of the President show the same pattern.)

I did.

So faced with the choice of basing an editorial on the data from the official source or basing it on the same data that has been run through the liberal "taxes are not high enough" sausage press, the Strib goes with the sausage press.

Ever seen sausage made? It's not pretty. But then, neither is Jim Boyd.

Since this "piece" is heavy on economic data and analysis, I'll assign the full fisking of it to a guy that has more economics chops in his pinky finger than Jim Boyd has in his entire blobby self:


But first, one general observation: If you read the whole thing, notice how you can almost see the editorialist who wrote this piece jizzing on himself while extolling Clinton's handling of the economy (by, of course, raising taxes), conveniently forgetting that in mere sentences before he wrote that the "recession ended in late 2001."

When did that recession start? When were the seeds of it sewn? Did this recession suddenly pop up because of some Bush policy made in the first couple months of his term, descend to Hoover-era depths over the summer (as the Dems tried to convince us in 2004) and then suddenly and miraculously evaporate despite Bush's policies?

Anyway, I suppose we ought to applaud the Strib for backing up their insipid assertions with something.


Sisyphus' Theme Song


Did you know that Monty Python wrote a song about Sisyphus years before anybody knew what his carreer would be? It's true!

P.S. If anybody can find an audio file of this online, please let me know. It's even funnier than the lyrics.

Sinus Haiku

Head full of mucus.
Want to pierce it with a fork
And drain the snot out.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A Very Long Poll

The "Top MOB Story for 2005" is up on the sidebar. One vote per day per computer. I'm not worried about cheating as the MAWB Squad has no dog in this fight.

I will post links to the backstories of each answer choice in this space as time permits.


Bogus Doug's martini adventure (no link currently available as Doug's super-reliable paid hosting service is down.)

Sisyphus reaps windfall from purchase of Halliburton stock

Dumb leftyblogger Moses (Charlton Heston?) actually believes that Sisyphus reaped windfall from purchase of Halliburton stock

Brian "St. Paul" Ward contemplates standing in a long line for a free burrito.

Topsy turvey MOB mayoral election results in a dark horse winner and the liberation of Kevin Ecker

Ryan Rhodes' "ginormous" poop

Governor snubs funny bloggers

James Lileks discovered to be moonlighting as Bob Balaban

Don't forget to submit your candidates for MOBster of the year.

Idiocy of the highest order

Read the following moose bile from today’s SPPP:

With regard to the letter concerning the execution of Tookie Williams, I think there is a simpler, more basic question we need to ask ourselves, as a society: Do we believe that a person can quantifiably and qualitatively change? Do we really believe this?

We say we do, but then we execute people who have had 20 years to read, study, think and grow as human beings. I believe that our execution of Williams was a crime more ugly and more horrific than his own crimes. [What the F&#$!] At a time when his soul and life were lost to him he found his way back from the darkness — then we killed him.

St. Paul

This moron must be related to the freak who my esteemed colleague fisked yesterday. You’ll recall STEVE SELFLOATHINGNUTJOBWHONEEDSTOGETALIFE OF HOPKINS claims that he is a racist simply because he’s been exposed to racism.

I believe he is in need of medication, but that’s another story.

As for terribly, horribly, woefully misguided John Hathaway of St. Paul, he also needs to be medicated or, preferably, incarcerated for the rest of his natural life in a home for the obviously insane.

It doesn’t take a trained professional to see that John Hathaway of St. Paul is a deluded SOB for believing “our execution of Williams was a crime more ugly and more horrific than his own crimes.”

Excuse me, John, you ragging lunatic. Would you like to rethink that statement and give it another try, or are you willing to stand by it and spew your dog vomit in the faces of the family members who lost their loved ones at the hand of an animal named Tookie Williams.

I’ve seen the absurdity of moral relativism before, but this is the most disturbing case I’ve come across.

Anyone who thinks like this cannot be mentally balanced. I’m not saying one cannot be against the death penalty – I for one have not come down on one side or the other – but to make such an absurd statement is the sign of someone who is not grounded in reality.

Keep on mind, Dear John; your poster boy for rehabilitation never took responsibility for his crimes, never showed remorse, and never made so much as a statement that would lead one to believe he was truly sorry for the life he chose.

He was an animal – a subhuman killer who didn’t care who he extinguished. He got what he deserved and good riddance to the bastard.

I hope you never have to face what the families of his victims have been dealing with, but my bet is you would change your tune if you did.

Until then, good luck and keep your worthless bull shit to yourself.

NOW ACCEPTING NOMINATIONS (Because the Wizbang Awards Suck, and Are Probably Rigged)

2005 ends this week. One of the great traditions that always appears when a year bids us adieu, are the ubiquitous Best of the Year polls (one of which will appear here later today) and lists.

Because the Flavor Aid Report is the MOB's leader for meaningless polls, we now hereby open the nomination process for MOBster of the Year. We are soliciting your picks as to who was the most outstanding MOB blogger for 2005. The definition of "outstanding" is totally up to you.

Two simple rules:

1. You may not nominate yourself.

1a. If you are part of a group blog, you may not nominate a cohort.

2. Leave the name and link to your nominee in comments to this post along with an essay not exceeding 7 words as to why you think your nominee is worthy of this nonprestigious totally made up title.

An official poll will appear when enough candidates are garnered.

Also, stay tuned for a different year end poll.

Name Change Update

Bill has installed the new Flavor Aid Report header. Meet our new mascot: Skippy the Straw!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

An Extremely Important Message from the Managing Editor

If the ego-shattering hit to our import in the grand scheme of things political wasn't bad enough, it has come to my attention that the Kool Aid Report contains a grave inaccuracy.

Not in our content, but in our very name.

As many of you know, this blog was invented shortly after last year's election in response to the veritable army of lefties all barfing out the trope in every place possible that 52% of the electorate are a bunch of dumb and unteachably ignorant troglodytes. The "nya nya nya nya you're stupidheads!" meme became so pervasive, that it motivated us to spit back at all those "Kool Aid drinking morons."

Of course, the well-worn "Kool Aid drinker" cliche comes from the infamous incident where cult leader Jim Jones coerced hundreds of his followers into a mass "suicide" via a poisoned grape drink. Most people think that drink was Kool Aid. In fact, it was not.

The cyanide vehicle Jones chose to exterminate his flock was a cheap knock-off of Kool Aid called "Flavor Aid". I've never had Flavor Aid before, but I assume that it was the Grain Belt of fruit flavored soft drinks. You know: an affordable crappy substitute for a quality product.

In any event, for the sake of accuracy, we can no longer call this blog the "Kool Aid Report". Since Jim Jones never served Kool Aid, the phrase "Kool Aid drinking moron" was devoid of meaning ab initio. Instead, the phrase should be "Flavor Aid drinking moron". "Flava Aid" is an acceptable substitute if you're going for those urban sensibilities.

Since it would be wrong to continue naming this blog after an historical inaccuracy, effective immediately (or whenever Bill makes the new header), the Kool Aid Report shall henceforth be known as "The Flavor Aid Report." Consistent with this decision, we will also have to replace Kool Aid Guy with a Flavor Aid-appropriate mascot.

Please update your - er, whatever - accordingly.

BOMBSHELL!!! KAR to Have no Impact on 2006 Elections!

Who'da thunk it?

Once again, a major local newspaper writes yet another article about local blogs without even mentioning KAR.

Oh no - don't weep for us. We KARnies have come to embrace our outsider status. While universally ignored by the MSM, National Radio Hosts and large Instabloggers, we've still managed to pile up decent statistics. We come from a pure place.

It's because we're all about the love. We inhabit the Planet Lovetron.

That's why it's so fun to be haters. Let the hating begin:

Blogs - the sometimes insightful, sometimes profane, online interactive diaries rapidly proliferating on the Internet - have infiltrated politics as you know it.

Profane? Pffft. Never! Check out this shit:

In Minnesota - where a vibrant political blogging community has emerged - bloggers are hoping to play a big role in the 2006 campaign, a potentially pivotal year in state politics. Several bloggers already have launched sites focused on the U.S. Senate race.

Yes: vibrant! A vibrant community consisting of about 4 or 5 blogs; or so the article makes it seem.

Erm. Let's just skip to the fun part:

Experts say readers typically look at blogs more in line with their own political ideologies, and that reduces their impact.

"There are some right-wing blogs that even if you tried to have a conversation with them, it's essentially a bunch of frat guys having a party and doing a beer dance,'' said Michael McIntee, producer for the Inside Minnesota Politics blog and podcast. "And that's not useful; it's pretty much making noise."

We're a bunch of "frat guys" having a "beer dance". Would that we could. My goal for 2006 is to make KAR the first blog where you can get beer. Whoa would that be a traffic booster.

Anyway, blah blah blah echo chamber blah blah blah no "conversation" blah blah not useful blah blah blah blah blah. So sue us.

Wait a minute. Is this the Mike McIntee who...


Related side note: have you noticed that McIntee's whole "I'm suing MDE for copyright infringement" seems to have gone away? Just an observation.

Another observation: notice how this article insinuates that Douchie McDouchebag is an expert (i.e. "Experts say readers...")? An expert on what exactly? Blogs? Politics?

Actually, the only thing I can think of that McIntee may qualify as an expert of is "being an asshole".

Anyway, McIntee seems to think that blogs like (I'm assuming) ours are "not useful". He's probably right. I mean, how much impact is a blog that gets 250 hits per weekday going to have on an election that will see hundreds of thousands of voters? Especially when what we do is basically preaching to the choir.

On the other hand, I'm sure that a fine, seriously sober blog like McIntee's Inside Minnesota Politics has the necessary gravitas to not only lend it's content a good deal of cred, but is also an indispensable part of any political junkie's daily reads. That certainly might have an impact on the upcoming elections.

Then again, maybe not.

Moron Mail

Even though the Nihilist in Golf Pants is your one-stop home for all of your Brokebutt Mountain Bareback Mount Him Poopdick Mountain Brokeback Mountain humor-related needs, I'll cover the letters to the Strib angle here.

And so onwards in this Brave New World, where the word "cowpoke" now has a somewhat different definition than in days past (the name of the writer has been changed to protect the insipid):

See 'Brokeback'

I encourage anyone who has compassion and an open mind to go see "Brokeback Mountain." It is so much more than a "gay cowboy" movie.

At a time when so many of us are lost in what legal rights gays and lesbians should have, this movie shows so much of what real love is. The love Ennis and Jack have is just as real and just as relevant as that of any heterosexual couple.

Niles T. Ingolfpants, PLYMOUTH.

Indeed the love is just as real as that of any other couple who both betrayed their spouses to engage in gross fuzzy-butt-man love. Possibly involving assless chaps.

What's next? Are you going to tell me that King Kong is an allegory for the racist legacy of the 19th Century American slave trade?

Uh oh:

Skip 'Kong'

A Dec. 21 letter writer who enjoyed "King Kong," in dismissing James P. Pinkerton's Dec. 20 insightful commentary on how the movie is racist, wants to know, "Why does it have to be dissected?"

The reason is this: It is important to acknowledge those subtle and not-so-subtle influences in our society that cause harm to the self.

The racist messages in this movie don't go away after you leave the theater. They stay in the heart and mind, and will, in time, overflow into perceptions of those who are not a white, middle-class, suburban and middle-aged male like me.

As much as I do not want to be a racist, I am. Why? Because I have been exposed to racism; mainly, but not always, against my will. For my own good I need to dissect those things that may enhance my already twisted views of race.

That is why I won't be going to see "King Kong" no matter how "amusing, entertaining, predictable yet suspenseful" it may be. Garbage in, garbage out. I have too much garbage in me to contend with as it is.


Errrrrrrrrrr. Or maybe -just maybe - (and I may be going out on a limb here) it's a film about a ten-story tall ape run amok in Manhattan, complete with cool special effects, lots of violence and a hottie boombalottie leading lady.

Steve's right about one thing: he does have a lot of garbage in him. Hopefully next time, he'll try to keep it inside.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fisking the Grinch Bitch: Part 2

Welcome back to you all,
My readers so dear.
To view the first part,
Simply click this link here.

One more reminder
The parents don't flip their lids:
The language in the post below
Is definitely not for kids.

Thus we return to this tale
Told by the schnookiest of schnooks.
And we continue to pummel
On this dumbshit called "Brooks":

Then he said with a smirk, "I know just what to do
To destroy all the joy in the land of the Who!
I think I can end that PC Who peace.
This year, not one Who will enjoy his Roast Beast!

And here I must ask:
What what planet is Brooks from,
Where the PC movement hasn't caused division
And is not universally regarded as dumb?

No, the real Grinches who destroy and demean,
Are the fucknobs who sue at the sight of a manger scene.

"Here's just how I'll do it:
I'll tell each Who Christian
That the liberal Whos have devised a new mission
To take away Christmas!
To mock and destroy
Till no little Who Christian is left with a toy!
And when secular Whos -- most likely Who Jews --
Attempt to deny it? Why,

"I'll bluff and I'll lie; I'll sow seeds of mistrust.
Soon they'll form battle lines into
Who 'THEM' and Who 'US,'
Based on which Whos prefer
To sing out, 'Merry Christmas'
And which Whos say, 'Kwanzaa!'
Or 'None of your business!

Oh Rosa, list me one lie
Oh please please please please
Surely you can name one Bill lie
Unless you're a rhetorical dicktease.

I'm scanning the column
And see not one - not one - supporting fact.
The truth is he never lied
And you are a stinky ass crack.

There is no bluff or lie
That you can point to today.
But it must be some sort of liberal reflex
To call nonliars liars anyway.

They'll get so confused and so MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD
That they won't even notice the way
They've been HAD!
They'll be so busy squabbling
They won't notice the war!
They won't care if Who rich
Start to trample Who poor!
"Forget torture, and terror, and taxes and health!
They'll waste all their time on some red-hatted elf.
"And the Who Consti-Who-tion?
They'll stretch it or burn it!
If it came as a gift, they would try to return it

Ahhh there it is;
Because it's so notable, I have to mention
This particular lefty trope
Directly led to KAR's invention:

"You're stupid! You're dupes!
You're easily manipulated!"
Us red staters were told
While these "intellectuals" mentally masterbated.

"Your unteachable ignorance makes us tear out our hair,
You vote like goober globbers, and wave flags like rubes at the fair!"
On points like these it's not wise to linger
Better to move on and flip her the rhetorical finger:

People like Rosa calling people like me dumb
Is so funny, and I love it.
But so far she has a thesis without support,
Which is truly stupid - so she can shove it.

"The Who Christians will think that they fight the good fight,
They won't know that they're puppets of the Fox-ville Far Right.
They'll forget all that DRIVEL about faith, hope and LOVE
And say 'Merry Christmas' with a sneer and a shove.

Did you catch that
Oh ye', 75% of the nation?
You're puppets and dupes!
This is what we call "stupidity inflation."

"But I? I will prosper! My ratings will soar,
And maybe at last they'll forget I'm a BOOR.
Then for every Who Christmas tree
A most fitting adornament:
My O'Reilly MUG on the tackiest ornament!"

Pay attention so you get what I mean:
Rosa calling Bill a "boor"
Is like the hostas in the garden
Calling the lawn "green".

And this dumbfuck Rosa doesn't know it
Since she has the brain of a flea,
But all the profits from Bill's swag
Goes to charity.

Not that it matters,
To her, Bill's a beast
Any resemblance to "truth"
Doesn't matter in the least.

... And what happened then?
Well, the rest's up to you.
But I know what I'd like this holiday season:
A little less NOISE and a little more reason.

Well, if it's "reason" you seek, here's what you sensitive atheists must do:
Every time you see or hear the word "God" in public, resist the temptation to sue!

For, while you think Christans always get their way
And you may have had the law bended
There still is no Constitutional right
For you not to be offended.

If a nativity scene in the public square
Constitutes the "Establishment of Religion,"
Then I'll wager that drinking a quart of antifreeze
Will improve your vision.

So Who Christians! Who Buddhists! Who Muslims! Who Jews!
WHOever you are, just say NO to Fox "News"!
If you don't want to lose the whole Who Consti-Who-tion
It's time to reject the Far Right Revolution.
So turn off O'Reilly and everyone shrill,
Let's have some peace
And old-fashioned GOODWILL

Thank God this rant is over
I'm sick of this retard.
Hey Rosa: shove it up your Christophobic ass
And then twist it really hard.

To the rest of you out there
Who possess more than one brain cell:
Merry Christmas, Happy Channakah Honnukah Festivus
And we wish you all well!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Grinch This, Bitch: Part One

All the KARnies in KARnation
Were happy and smiley.
But not Rosa Brooks,
Who hated Bill O'Reilly.

Defending Bill O'Reilly
Is something that makes us flinch
But this time is different
Since Brooks hijacked the Grinch.
Rosa hate hate hate hated the Factor
So we feel compelled
To crush this bitch like a tractor.

We'll fisk her to death
And ridicule her brain fart,
But since rhyming takes time,
I'll do it in two or three parts.

So you can read the first installment
And then take a nap
And then later, part two
Will fall into your lap.

One more announcement
Before I lance this bunyan:
The language herein
Is not suitable for young'uns.

So let's get this show going
With no further ado,
Here is Part One.
Stay tuned for part two:

The Whos down in Who-ville
Were a tolerant lot:
Who Christians, Who Muslims -- a Who melting pot.
Who Hindus! Who atheists! Who Buddhists, Who Jews!
Who Confucians, Who pagans,
And even Who Druse!
The Who First Amendment's Establishment Clause
Said, "No crèches in courts," and the Whos loved their laws.
Because somehow ... they worked. The Whos rarely fought,
Mostly, each Who did just what he ought

Ah, but what Rosa seems to ignore
That must give you pause
Is that the very same amendment
Contains the Free Exercise clause.
Though she is right:
The law worked well (it seemed),
Until some dickhead contended
The Pledge hurt his self-esteem.

Every Who down in Who-ville
Loved the Consti-Who-tion a lot.
But the O'Reilly, who lived up in Fox-ville,

The O'Reilly DETESTED the Who Consti-Who-tion,
He thought it was some sort of liberal pollution.
Now, please don't ask why, for I really don't know.
Perhaps it had something to do with his show.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
Or it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his RATINGS
Were two sizes too small

Oh, so Bill hates the constitution -
If I get what you mean -
Because he doesn't see a right
In it to self esteem?

That is rather base,
And a stupid assertion.
I would kick your ass,
But it's not worth the exertion.

And if you did any research
You would plainly see
That Bill O'Reilly
Has the highest rated news show on cable TV.

So let me ask you Rosa
At the risk of being crass:
Are you a lying sack of shit,
Or is your skull filled with gas?

Well, whatever it was, bad ratings or tight shoes,
He stood there one Christmas, just hating the Whos.
"They're so multicultural," he sneered, "and wherever they're from,
They lack the good sense to just launch a pogrom!
There's no Who ethnic cleansing, no Who Inquisition,
If this PEACE can't be stopped, I may lose my position.
Those sensitive, tolerant Whos! It's quite grating.
I must think of something to fix my show's ratings!"

You liberals are funny
When you don't make me snore.
I'm surprised the Nazi reference
Came as late as Stanza Four.

Again with the false assumption
About the "low ratings"
Not to mention your thinly-veiled
And dimwitted race-baiting.

Here's a news flash, Rosa
And you won't like it a lot:
This "multiculturalism" you so love
Is the enemy of the "melting pot".

Where ages ago, diverse peoples assimilated
Now all we get is bitching about "cultures" deflated.

It should be apparent by now
That Brooks' head is full of goo.
But you'll have to tune in later
For installment number two.

The Code Pink Guide to Sucking All of the Fun Out of Christmas While Making a Fool Out of Yourself and Embarrassing Your Children in the Process

Somehow, this made me hope that Ralphie grew up, traded in his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for a bazooka, and is currently stalking the Afghani countryside picking off bomb-wielding nutjobs:

Every holiday season manufactures prey on our children with pro-war propaganda disguised as innocent toys. Don't let your child be a victim of G.I. Joe! As you're out buying holiday gifts, make a point this year to show little ones that war is not game. Set an example for the children in your life and use the opportunity to teach them non-violence.

"Don't let your child be a victim of GI Joe." Heh. I believe they're thinking of Chucky here. And let's all remember that Chucky started out as a cute, nonviolent pacifist doll.

Boys like action. Period. There are two outlets for the action oriented young male: sports or toys that feature a combative theme. If you run it through a basic chicken / egg analysis it's clear that "violent" toys exist because boys are aggressive. "Violent" toys do not make "violent" people. Just for the edification of you Pinkies out there who never saw that Time Magazine article that declared the earth-shattering discovery that males and females are different, I can clue y'all in. I was blessed with one child of each gender, and have been able to discern certain patterns of behavior in their play:

THE GIRL: Despite a strong early influence from Dad where she briefly dabbled in basketballs and dinosaurs, her toy time tends to exclusively involve dolls, play tea sets and dressing up like one of the Disney Princesses.

THE BOY: His toy time exclusively involves trying to destroy things. And "toy' is defined as "anything".

Personally, as a parent I would much rather The Boy obliterate an ersatz Evil Guy Headquarters Fortress by the proxy of GI Joe's Kung Fu grip than the DVD player with the contents of his sippy cup. I think he would too.

Oh, but pity the poor children of Pinkies. This year for Christmas, little Billy or Joey will be getting a) screwed on the gift haul and b) a parent acting like a tool in public. Code Pink's suggestions for Holiday Celebration:

Dress up in awesome pink camouflage gear or wear a fun holiday costume like an elf and stand outside stores that sell war toys with anti-war toy banners reminding gift buyers to shop responsibly. Hand out flyers to shoppers about why they shouldn't buy them and give them suggestions for alternative gifts they can purchase for the little ones in their lives.

Little Billy will be so proud of mommy. "Hey, Mom? Can you make me look like an even bigger dork? Is that possible? I don't know you. Get away from me before somebody sees us together."

Get a bunch of friends to go with you to each buy a war toy, and then go back to the store later to return them. Create long complaint lines, showing other customers (and hopefully you've called the media) why war toys are bad. Talk directly to store owners and managers and ask them to stop selling war toys. Tell them you and your friends are considering no longer shopping at the store if war toys continue to be sold. Make buttons that say, "Say No to War Toys" or "War is Not a Game" and offer them to the employees.

I can picture that phone call to the media:

MOONBAT: Hello? WCCO news? Yes, I have a news tip... Well, today at noon, three of us Code Pinkers will be returning toys to the local Target and generally making a spectacle of ourselves...Yes, I do know that lots of people act like fools when they return Christmas gifts, but you see, these are war toys...Hello?... Hello???

Actually, I hope they try this. Maybe they'll find out that people trapped in long lines being held up by belligerant attention-whoring assholes aren't so much willing to hear self-righteous preaching as they are disposed to violence.

And don't forget about publicly performing Code Pink's unintentionally hillarious Christmas Carols in public to ensure that the humiliation of your child is cheery and complete. "John Ashcroft is Coming to Town" is my favorite. It indicates that these lickknobs have been too busy sewing pink cammies to notice that he's not the AG anymore.

As with the suggested antics, the gift "ideas" are a hoot also:

Ask your child's teachers to talk about the negative impact of war toys and start a campaign to ban war toys on the school playground. Suggest a toy exchange for the school, where children turn in their war toys and get some cool, peaceful toy like a hot pink Frisbee. Make it a class project and involve the children in setting it up.

I guaran-damn-tee you, that within 5 minutes of receiving those pink frisbees, those good little peaceful boys will be winging them hard at the heads of other good little peaceful boys and girls. Or setting them on fire.

Rather than buying a gift for someone you love, make a beautiful coupon and give them a gift of your time...

"Wow! A coupon! Thanks mom. Did you keep the receipt? Can I exchange this for a coupon that entitles me to be left alone by you? No? How about some socks?"

MAKE SOMETHING. Have you ever wished you had more time to... draw, sew, paint, knit? If you can take some time, treat yourself to a local crafts course to learn to throw pots, knit scarves or make other personal items that you can give to people you love!

"Hey, thanks for the groovy oven mitt with two thumbs! In three years, when I'm 10 and able to use the oven, I can wear it."

BUY LOCALLY. Find out about local merchants in your area to support, but go the extra step of finding out about the goods they carry and where they come from. DonÂ’t shop at Wal-Mart!
Given the source, I'm going to interpret this one to mean: "Shop at Wal Mart."

BUY ETHICALLY. Globalize fair trade. If you don't live in a hotbed of local merchants who give back to the community, you can still gift consciously.

"Globalize fair trade." Does anybody know what that means? Does Code Pink know what that means? No. It's a made up lefty-jargon phrase that in reality means "don't buy anything made by an American corporation other than Ben and Jerry's".


Yeah, that'll be a hit.

Do you really need anything else?


Why not exchange absolutely no presents at all!

Because it's a stupid idea, the kids won't go for it, everybody else who is not on the same moonbat planet as you will take it as a slight, and it generally sucks the fun out of the tradition.

People may be put off for a moment at first, and you can see why.


In the season of conspicuous consumption,

Actually, for those of us with a more stable disposition, it's the season of giving. But there's certainly nothing wrong with consumption. Your welfare checks need to be funded somehow. Otherwise, you'd have no time to stand in gift return lines making an ass of yourself while wearing pink camouflage and singing stupid parody Christmas Carols that don't hold a candle to a truly well done parody song, because you'd have to be working.

asking for less, rather than more, is a radical act.

And a radical act is an easy thing for a radical to do...

They'll understand when you show them this statement.

If they're a flaming moonbat, they will. If they're members of the non-brain-dead community, probably not so much.

For children, buy gifts that reflect your values--not violent gifts or violence-oriented video games.

What if violent toys and video games do reflect my values? I mean does anybody really want to see Skelator control Castle Greyskull and all of Planet Eternia. He needs to be subdued somehow! And just because your character sometimes gets low on hit points doesn't mean that the merry band of Final Fantasy adventurers led by Maria and Frioniel should ever stop battling the forces of evil that wish to enslave the citizens in the Paramekian Empire. Are you telling me that the war against the Paramekian Empire is a quagmire???!!!

And sit down with your children to explain to them why the planet needs people to stop buying things that use up the planet's rapidly decreasing resources.

This one just gets a *sigh*.

I can see little Billy's letter to Santa now:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is adoption papers.

I've been good. Really good: I haven't killed my moonbat mother yet.


People I Hate #2

Large women.

Walking Waddling.


Verrrrrry slowly.

Side by side.

Down a long corridor.

In front of me.

So engrossed in their stupid conversation.

About how they groom their f#$ing dogs.

That they are totally unaware.

Of the mile long queue of people amassing behind them.

Who just want to pass them and get to their desks.

Moron Mail - Or Is It Something Worse?

I read a letter in an "out-take" of the Star-Tribune for today ("out-takes" being copies that had a mistake, so they were pulled from circulation before delivery).

It said:
Quack quack quack Wellstone quack quack quack quack quack happy to pay for a better Minnesota quack quack quack secondhand smoke quack quack selected quack elected.


John and Eve O'Brien-Flederbein
Not sure what that means.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

"Gimme a Blonde With Big Tits and a Hatfull of Viagra, and I'm Off to Vegas"

While everybody's talkin' about the Feds wiretapping people, KAR must note the passing of a true paizan'. This week, we lost Vinnie "The Chin":

Vincent "The Chin" Gigante, the New York mob boss whose crazy act aimed at frustrating investigators earned him the nickname "The Oddfather," died Monday at a federal prison medical facility in Missouri of apparent heart disease. He was 77.

Once a driver for the late Mafia boss Vito Genovese, Gigante rose from being a mob street tough to the head of the crime family that bears Genovese's name.

Among Vinnie's more notable achievements was his avoidance of doing hard time for the attempted whacking of that ratshit bastard Frank Costello (*spit*).

Fans of the totally fictional show The Sopranos (there is no such thing as "the mafia" *spit*) will remember how Uncle Junior, inspired by The Chin, pretended to be stugatz crazy in public to delay his trial.

Unfortunately for Vinnie, acting like a gavone didn't work out too well for him, eventually getting pinched on a racketeering charge. He was doin' 12 large in the Federal Pen, with an extra three added on later for his whack-job act.

Riposa nella pace.

Would You Believe that There Is Something Out There That's Worse than Spinach Gratin?

It's been about two months since KAR revolutionized blogging by conducting the first known recipe fisking. It was an awful concoction called "spinach gratin" which wasn't fit to be washed down the gullet with even something so vile as Grain Belt.

I've discovered that there exists an even more sinister and disgusting affront to culinary sensibilities in the gratin family of "food".

Brace yourselves. You may even want to duct tape your mouth.

I give you Cauliflower Gratin.

God help us all.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About the Dangers of Asking a Rhetorical Question When You Don't Know What the Answer to it Will Be

Questions are a burden,
And answers are a prison for oneself. -Iron Maiden.

Powerslave: meet Power Liberal.

Regarding Wiretapgate, Smartie (BTW: sorry I missed you guys on Saturday night, thereby depriving you of the opportunity to buy me a beer) poses the question rhetorical device:

I guess it's okay as long as your man is in power, right?

Try a thought exercise for a moment. Imagine if, following the Oklahoma City bombing, Bill Clinton had personally authorized secret wiretaps and FBI spying on not only the Militias, but also on other right-wing groups like the Federalist Society, the John Birch Society, the College Republicans, etc. Would you feel that was justified based on the fact that a right wing domestic terrorist organization had just killed hundreds of Americans? Why or why not?

(As Bruce Dickenson sang in that same song quoted above: "Kill the engine / Drop your bombs and let it burn.")

I don't recall any outrage when Bill Clinton signed an executive order in February of 1995 (was that after the Oklahoma City bombing?) authorizing warrantless "physical searches" for the purposes of obtaining foreign intelligence information.

Clinton's deputy AG Jamie Gorelick helpfully argued Bush's current case some five years before 9/11:

The Department of Justice believes, and the case law supports, that the president has inherent authority to conduct warrantless physical searches for foreign intelligence purposes...

I bet Teddy Kennedy busted a blood vessel when he heard that.

Or not.

Nor do I recall it even being reported (though granted, I was 7 at the time) that the Most Moral Man to Ever Occupy the Oval Office and Be Attacked By a Vicious Bunny likewise authorized warrantless "electronic surveillance" to acquire foreign intelligence.

So yeah, I guess the level of outrage does have something to do with whether or not "your guy" is in office. To a certain extent.

White flags shot to ribbons,
The truce is black and burned.
Shellshock in the kitchen...

Damn, I haven't listened to Powerslave in a while. I think I'll give that bad boy a spin today.

UPDATE: WHEN LEFTIES ATTACK! If you look at the comments to this post, you will note that it is a tangled mess of crossed wires and missed points (in both directions) hastily dashed off. So in the interests of being perfectly clear here, I will just explicity answer Smartie's question, which in and of itself discredits the assertion of his post:

First let's note that Smartie's analogy turns way way south when he mentions the Federalists and the Birchies - unlike Bush's surveilance on militant Islamicists, there would have been no rational reason to suspect either of those organizations in the OKC bombing. Bush's net in question was not that broad. That aside, I would have been perfectly fine with Clinton ordering surveilance of this kind that is being attacked by lefties so vehemently on so-called right wing malitias that might reveal either the perpetrators of that terrorist act, or reveal any plans for future attacks.

So there.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Now that one hand is tied behind our back, let's cut off the free one

Al Qaeda must just be laughing their heads off (no pun intended) reading this stuff.

He Forgot One

Hey look: more B-material C-material D-material!

In the course of pounding the crap out of James Pinkerton's insipid commentary about how King Kong is racist, Ryan Rhodes puts to rest the myth of proving stuff with a Google search:

[Pinkerton:] Indeed, a Google search using the words "King Kong racism" yielded 490,000 hits.

[Ryan:] Oooh, a Google search contest! Let me try!

346,000 hits for "My+butt+stinks."

166,000 hits for "packers+suck+ass."

1,260,000 hits for "white+men+can't+jump+racism" Yes, really. Surprised me, too.

In other words, Google search results don't prove DICK.

On the other hand, if you do a Google search for "ryan's + ass" you get 3,800,000 hits.

Which seems about right.

This Tells You Everything You Need to Know About the Strib's Grasp of Reality

Note the use of the word "staunch" (defined as "steadfast in loyalty or principle") in today's institutional stinky pile o' crap:

Even staunch Republicans such as...

Wait for it...


Sens. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina and Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania...

And now we all enjoy a hearty laugh!

I wonder if the "perceptive" and "non-partisan" Jim Boyd wrote this one.

An Interview With OPG

Many have lamented the lack of posting by Obnoxious Packer Guy. I managed to locate him, and below is a transcript of a telephone interview I conducted with him.

LF: You've been MIA for some time. Where have you been?

OPG: Well, 'bout a month ago, some "friends" of mine staged an "intervention." According to them, I hadda "alcohol problem." They checked me into a "rehab" facility, where I hadta address my "addiction." I was recently discharged.

LF: So you're clean and sober now?

OPG: Yep.

LF: Good for you. How are you handling your new sobriety?

OPG: No problems. Watching that sorry excuse for a football game last night was a little [*hic*] rough. But I's-a made it through [*hic*] OK.

LF: You don't sound -

OPG: Can I tell you something, Foot?

LF: Sure -

OPG: I love you, man!

LF: I, uh love you too?

OPG: Hey! You hittin' on me [*hic*]???!!! What are you, some kinda homersekshul?

LF: You're drunk right now, aren't you?

OPG: No I'm not!

LF: Yes you are.

OPG No I'm not.

LF: Yes you are.

OPG: No I'm not.

LF: Yes you are.

OPG No I'm not.

LF: Yes you are.

OPG: No I'm not.

LF: Yes you are.

OPG No I'm not.

LF: Yes you are.

OPG: ...

LF: Hello? OPG?

OPG: Hello? OPG not here now. This Dementee.

LF: Dude, that is the worst Dementee imitation I have ever heard.

OPG: Not imitating. Me real Dementee. Me hate moonbats. Me gonna eeeeeeat you. And so on... [*hic*]

LF: I'll call you back later.

OPG: Me go help Bill decorate pies now.

LF: Goodbye.

Monday, December 19, 2005

It Was a Gay Old Time

The latest MOB Gala can be summarized in two words:

"Assless chaps."

I understand that this might not make any sense to those of you how did not inhabit the same bizarre alternate universe as Atomizer and I did sometime after we had each finished off our fourth beers. I think the whole assless chaps thing began with the Nihilist in Golf Pants' endless fulminating about the new gay cowboy film Brokeback Mountain. An offshoot of the conversation turned to the hypothetical question: what do gay cowboys wear? We easily reached the obvious answer:

Assless chaps.

Chad the Elder pointed out that since chaps only cover the front part of the body, all chaps are by definition assless. Atomizer and I defered to Elder's obviously superior knowledge of gay cowboy-wear, but we decided to stick with the redundant "assless chaps" term because it sounded funnier.

And so with that term imbedded firmly in the front of our minds, everything that we encountered afterward came back to assless chaps.

While I was sitting at a table with the short-term memory-impaired King Banaiididkaanaianaian, he posed the uber-cogent question: "Are smoking bans a regulatory taking." Having some knowledge in this field, I replied: "no".

King looked at me as though I had just walked into the room from my native home Pluto, and asked"And you are..."

"LearnedFoot. Perhaps you've heard of me. I have a blog."

King, shook his head looking puzzled and said, "Enh?"

"You moderated the Flash v. Foot Football Picking Contest. Remember?" I pressed.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you," He obviously had given up trying to place the name. "So, anyway, maybe we should ask a lawyer about that smoking ban question. Is Hinderaker here?"

"Ahem," I was getting annoyed, "I am a lawyer."

King looked at me quizically, paused for a long moment, and then asked "And who are you?"

I ignored him, and proceeded to cobble together my memory of the law of so-called regulatory takings. This far out of law school I was left with basically the bar exam version of the law, which was adequate enough to attempt to explain it to him.

I told King that, generally, a regulation would only constitute a taking if it deprived the property owner of all economic use of the land. Therefore, in a hypothetical situation where a government body outlawed the sale of assless chaps in a certain geographical area, a store that dealt exclusively in the retail of assless chaps would probably have a good takings case against that government body, since the only business that was being carried on in that retail store would now be illegal.

On the other hand, if the government passed a law that merely restricted the wearing of assless chaps in public, the owner of the assless chaps shoppe would not be deprived of the same level of economic value because although his customer base may shrink a good deal, he may still freely pedal his wares.

King digested what I had said for a moment and then said, "Hi. I'm King. Are you a blogger?"

Other notables from the evening:

* Atomizer came very close to beating up a homeless guy. I'll let him tell you about it, if he so chooses.

* The Whitest Person on the Planet took lots of pictures. Go there and keep scrolling.

* I talked at length with the MOB's newly corronated mayor. Among other things, we discussed whether or not he should impose a dress code for these MOB parties, and if so, should assless chaps be allowed.

* I met the latest MOBster to put a hurting on the MSM. On a couple occasions, I asked him to watch my beer while I went off on one misadventure or another. Let's just say that he's a better media watchdog than he is a beer watchdog.

* Swiftee and Mrs. Swiftee were there. Swiftee was sporting a cowboy hat. He warned me that if I made an "assless chaps" crack about him that he would kill me. So I'll just leave it at that.

* Chief offered me one of his outstanding MOB t-shirts at a deep discount in exchange for putting his site on our "Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll. I never realized that this was such a coveted honor. Also, if he would have waited for another several months, I might have gotten around to putting him on the ROF anyway. It just goes to show that I can be bought.

As far as I know, Chief did not offer any MOB-imprinted assless chaps for sale.

* Flash made good on his debt to me following the hurting I put on him in the Foot v. Flash Football challenge (see my sidebar for final score). The tourney's not until March, but Flash and I need to start thinking about the format and prize for our NCAA smackfest. I'm thinking a full bracket type of deal, with the loser paying the winner a pair of assless chaps or a case of beer. Your thoughts Flash?

* I also talked to the following people, none of whom were wearing assless chaps:

Triple A

Homeboy Steve Gigl and MLW (HLW?).

Kevin Ecker (We had a 45-minute conversation about how close we lived to each other.)

Cake Eater Chick (Actually, I didn't talk to her, but she did grab the ball on my Santa hat, so she gets mentioned.)

Douglas Bass

The Night Writer and Family.

Surly Dave

Guy Collins from the aformentioned Freedom Dogs

David Strom who not only told me that the Channel 5 At Issue debates are taped on Thursdays, but also hinted at what pants host Tom Hauser wears when he's behind the anchor's desk - if you know what I mean...

Da Psychmeister

Mitch Berg (Who held court in the back corner of the bar with his date. Curious. He was a popular attraction, though: at one point in the evening, the line of people waiting to talk to him snaked to the opposite end of the room. How rediculous!)

And, as always, the chapless Fishsticks.

If I forgot you, please remember that I was drinking beer.

* Finally, I am sure many are aware of The Incident. I will not recount it here. Suffice it to say that everyone who witnessed it were very grateful that none of the parties to The Incident were wearing assless chaps.

If Bush Were President in 1944....

Header Stuff

There's a new album cover from Bill (not the one I had asked for - but what the hell - he is the Art Director). Also, the MOBfest yielded a new header quote.

More on the MOBfest later.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Designated Fisker's Designated Fisker

King Baaanaisainndaaianfnaian turned on the Dementee Signal yesterday. Dementee was nowhere to be found. So it is up to me to put forth the fisking that this steaming pile of yak poop so richly deserves.

A word of warning: duct tape your head.

Pay attention, communist liberal slime

Any tolerance for gay people, even if it's listening to Elton John, is perverted.
By Mat Koehler

You can tell right away the level of intelligence we're dealing with here. He can't even spell his own first name correctly.

If you've ever had an impromptu chat with an extreme right-wing conservative nut, you probably escaped the conversation before you got a sense of the rationale. Luckily, I've decided to devote this week's column to explaining the radical conservative mind-set in a way we can all understand (and emulate).

I've actually talked to JB Doubtless on a couple of occasions. It was always about bourbon. Not really a whole lot of room for "rationale" when you're talking about bourbon.

And I like the clinical anthropological tone Mat sets here. "I spent a year living amongst the Wingnut in their own habitat. What follows is what I have learned about these exotic yet barbaric creatures..." It creates the illusion that he actually has something intelligent to say. He explodes that illusion in short order:

First of all, the Daily and all its readers are no-good communist bastards.

I read the Doily (that's what we called it) every day when I attended the U. Therefore, I am a no-good communist bastard. Unless Mat is taking a single conversation that he had with one (probably drunk) conservative on campus when he (Mat, not the drunk conservative) dared to poke his head out of the Women's Studies department offices, and stretching it to characterize an entire, large group of people.

And I say "large" cognizant of the fact that he is purporting to describe only the "extreme right-wing conservative nut." It's a good bet that his view of the ERWCN is anybody to the right of Che.

Otherwise, what possible threat could an extremely small insular ideological minority pose to merit printing a breathless screed about them?

Yes, this means you.

Like I said...

College campuses are so overrun with liberal students because there are stupid, anti-American professors teaching classes and because the Daily propagates leftist lies to people who don't know any better than to accept them.

No, college campuses are overrun by liberal students because there are a lot of kids who are long on an overestimate of their own intelligence and short on any meaningful life experience (e.g. paying taxes, raising children etc.). And the only people who buy the crap that the Doily pedals on its op-ed page are already in the choir.

Being one whom Mat would characterize as a "Wingnut," he sure isn't painting a very accurate picture, er, caricature of me, is he?

So what should you believe? The truths presented by the right wing, obviously. The core idea is that every day America is becoming more and more corrupt with things called "opinions." These untrue viewpoints threaten the freedoms our forefathers promised, like the right to own assault weapons and the right to deport gays, immigrants and liberals from our borders. Without these entitlements, the United States will endure a quick moral decline, and our kids will be destroyed by God himself.

Never heard anyone talk seriously about the desire to deport gays, liberals or legal immigrants. I have heard gays and liberals talk seriously about fleeing the country because of the results of an election though...

And let's briefly explore that "freedoms and rights" snark.

Let's talk about those campus assaults on the First Amendment otherwise known as "Hate Speech Codes". Remember those? Obviously speech codes are a right-wing nutjob assault on our freedoms and rights...

Oh wait. Those are policies promulgated by liberals, aren't they?

But this is just one small fact in the vast knowledge base of the far right.

Oh that was a "fact" huh?

Another thing you must know is that over time, opinions get more dangerous.

And they must be squelched! How about a speech code?

And I bet Mat condemned those students who stole all the student newspapers at Georgetown (or was it Columbia?) because it printed a paid advertisement from David Horowitz? Weren't they squelching "dangerous" opinions?

Oh, in that case it's acceptable.

Take the sicko, leftist theory of evolution, for example. That commie hell-demon we call Charles Darwin actually believes science can explain why there are many different types of animals. Clearly, everything happens because of spontaneous generation and God's will. Scientist mumbo-jumbo is Satan's attempt to negate God's creation, and, as you can tell, this has put our nation in a grave state.


If these people's opposition to teaching Intelligent Design wasn't merely a thin pretense to mask their antipathy for evangelical Christians, perhaps the rhetoric wouldn't get so overheated (nota bene moonbats: I personally am against teaching ID in the public schools. But I also don't think that it's a big enough deal to match the overwrought rhetoric from both sides in general, but from one side in particular.)

Well, this and feminism. Chicks were denied the right to vote for more than 130 years in the United States, and then, of course, when suffrage came about, the evil anti-American "Democrat" party was created.


The consensus among the extreme right is that women were designed for homemaking.


Heck, even super-conservative Ann Coulter should shut her yapper - she's on the right track, but she should get a husband to talk for her.


Dude, who was this guy you were having a conversation with?

No, don't answer that. I'll answer it for you:

His name was Figment of Your Brain-Damaged Imagination.

One of the most important tenets of true conservatism is the notion that anyone with even a hint of a liberal belief is a total Marxist pig.

No. Unless that hint includes the belief that the top marginal tax rate should be 75%, and that the federal government should either control or regulate virtually every industry or aspect of a business.

Now go look up "Marxist" on Wikipedia, and see how close I am.

If you're against Wal-Mart, for instance, you're against capitalism, and if you're against capitalism, you must be a communist. It's that simple. If you stray from the right edge, you fall in hellfire.

No. If you're against Wal Mart, you're against JB Doubtless.

And if you're against capitalism, what else would you be? A socialist? Some famous dead guy once said that "communism is merely socialism in a hurry."

Perhaps if you opposed capitalism and communism, you could be a proponent of the barter system, or a hunter-gatherer economy.

How progressive!

Also, if you have any tolerance for gay people - even if it's just for Elton John - you are a pervert. Even though homosexuality is demonstrated in most animal species on Earth, it is a conscious decision created by liberals and imposed on our children.

I know a lot of conservatives who like Elton John. Just not JB Doubtless.

Eating one's own shit is also demonstrated in many species on earth. And just because other species engage in rump ranging doesn't make it any less ookey for some of us to imagine two guys kissing or befuddlement at some people's desire to stick their dicks into another man's furry butt.

It's just the natural reaction, you might say. We can't help who we are.

And what part of "I could care less what you do in your bedroom, just don't be a jerk" don't you understand?

Certainly not the "don't be a jerk" part.

Radical conservatism makes perfect sense. If you disagree, you just don't understand, so grow some balls, buy a truck, carry a gun and read this again. Then maybe you'll see.

Wow what a limp-wristed, effeminate, lisping homo!

I'm sorry. That was intolerant and perpetuating a stereotype. I'll try to be more like "Mat" in the future.

Two really stupid letters

As found in today’s Pioneer Press:

Bush always heads in wrong direction

Once again, President Bush has flown in the wrong direction. When Katrina blew in, he was in Texas. On the first horrific day, he promptly flew, to Arizona for a fundraiser, then on the next to California for more of the same — not a care in the world had our commander in chief.

On Dec. 9, with hunger, homelessness and degradation increasingly horrible down South, his compassion drove him to fly north to aid and abet his sycophant Mark Kennedy, then hop back into his Cadillac limo and away to the East again. The buck stops there?

Golden Valley

People like George D. Peterson consistently fail the logic test. Does this moron expect W. to set up the Whitehouse in New Orleans?

That sounds like something Clinton would have done and it is a worthless gesture, George. Pure window dressing and nothing more is what that kind of act is good for.

In other words, perfect for a crackpot like our friend George D. Peterson of Golden Valley. Why do something real when one can feign sympathy, hug a few victims and move on.

Last month former U.S. Senator Max Cleland, a wheelchair-bound disabled Vietnam War veteran, flew here for Veterans Day. He took the time to visit wounded soldiers at the VA Medical Center's new "polytrauma" unit. It's the lead national facility in a new program designed to deal with the alarming increase in brain injuries being inflicted by the powerful bombs used in Iraq. Cleland is concerned about our commitment to provide long-term care for these heroes.

On Dec. 9 another Vietnam-era veteran-turned-politician flew into Minneapolis for a political fundraising event. President Bush drove right past the VA Medical Center on his way downtown, but unlike Cleland he wasn't able to visit the polytrauma patients. To be fair, though, every wounded soldier able to pay $1,000 for lunch did have an opportunity to hear him talk about our success in Iraq.
Maybe he'll stop by next time.

The writer is a Navy veteran.

I guess Mark Piscioneri has absolute moral authority because he served in the Navy.

Thank you for your service, Mark, but let’s try to approach the situation with some clear thinking.

First of all, let’s talk about the many times President Bush has visited the wounded, the families of those who are serving and, most importantly, the families of those who have been killed in action.

Moron Mail

If you look up "Logic Impaired, Ineptly Conceived, Totally Stupid, and, Not to Mention, Inapt Analogy" in the dictionary, you will find this letter:

The bad old days

If the United States operated as progressively as Hennepin County has with regard to its relaxation of the smoking ban, we'd be counting the days to the reinstitution of Prohibition, the rekindling of women's fight for suffrage and the reinstatement of Jim Crow laws. Nice work, commissioners.


Allow me to laugh at the use of "progressive" here - a term that has been so stripped of it's meaning, as demonstrated clearly by the letter above - that it has come to mean "whatever far left-wing dingbat idea is trendy".


Now let's do some compare and contrast:

* Actually, the institution of prohibition was considered "progressive" at the time.

Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

* The abrogation of Jim Crow laws ended racial segregation thereby fulfilling the 14th Amendment's guarantee of equal protection under the law for all citizens, resulting in an expansion of legal and human rights for those theretofore oppressed.

The smoking ban fulfils no constitutional guarantee. Instead, it constricts a specific property right (use of one's property to allow for otherwise legal behaviors within its bounds).

* The 19th amendment again expanded a right to include all citizens in good standing.

And again, the smoking ban constricts a property right. Conversely, please show me where in the Constitution it says "The right to return home from a tavern in an unstinky state shall not be abridged."

* The repeal of prohibition, the striking of Jim Crow laws and women's suffrage were not "progressive" in the modern usage of that term, but were all the morally correct, politically sound and prudent things to do.

Smoking bans are "progressive".


Now that I have your attention, here is the real topic of this post:

Free beer.

The Girl and I had a Daddy / Daughter date last evening. We went to the newly-opened -

MOONBAT TROLL: Ha ha! Look everybody! He's going on a date with his daughter! I told you these wingnuts were inbred hicks!

[LearnedFoot grabs his sawed off shot gun, pumps it once, and blows Moonbat Troll's head off.]

Ok where was I?

Oh yeah: we went to the newly-opened Apple Valley branch of Major's Sports Cafe. I have been to the Bloomington outlet of MSC a couple of times, and loved it. From all appearances, it's a sports bar. Then you look at the menu...

It ain't bar food. Oh sure, it has buffalo wings (which are quite good). But it also has prime rib. And it's not that crappy gristle-riddled shoe leather prime rib that you can get at the Cherokee Sirloin Room; it's well cut, appropriately seasoned, and cooked competently -


Anyway, I thought it'd be a good place to dine with The Girl for an hour before we had to pick up The Boy from Grandma's. So off we went. Shortly after we were seated the waitress came over to take our drink orders. She informed me that it was happy hour.

"Oh. What are your specials?" I queried.

"Free beer from five until six," came her stunning reply. I glanced at my watch: 5:03. Thinking that this offer was surely too good to be true, I pressed her to find out if the beer that was being offered wasn't just a plastic Dixie Cup half full of some undrinkable crap like Grain Belt.

"Which beer is free?"

She proceeded to list all the beers they had on tap.

I sat stunned and motionless for a moment. I quickly regained my wits when I realized that my watch was relentlessly ticking towards six o'clock, and ordered a Summit.

"Can I have a free beer too?" The Girl asked me.

"Not until you're fifteen. You can have a Sprite," I told her.

"Yay!" At this moment we were both extremely happy as the waitress went off to fetch our drinks.

55 minutes and four beers (full pints!) later, I paid the tab and asked her if this free beer thing was merely a temporary, grand opening-related deal. She told me it was not. Free beer Thursdays - every Thursday - between five and six o'clock. I drooled on myself and nearly broke down in tears.

Those of you MOBsters who reside in or near the lovely and bucolic South o' the River Suburbs hear my plea: let us form a South of the River division of the MOB to meet occasionally at Major's. This place must not repeat the fate of it's failed predecessor, Bilimbi Bay. We need to keep Major's open.

Added bonus: being in Dakota County, there's no smoking ban for miles around.

Top 11 Defenses The Love Boat 4 Will Raise at Trial

Charges have been filed. Here's what you can expect the Love Boat 4 to say at their trials:

11. It is not a crime to perform fellatio on a Wizzinator.

10. "I thought those two hookers were my wife!"

9. A stripper appeared to have something caught in her eye. Smoot tried to remove it with a dildo, but missed.

8. McKinnie: "I thought she was a steak."

7. "We're all gay."

6. Daunte may have made a pass at a stripper, but as usual, he didn't complete it.

5. Prostitution is illegal in Georgia, so those women couldn't possibly be hookers.

4. Daunte: "She was just snapping me the ball."

3. It all depends on what the meaning of "using a double-headed dildo on two women in the presence of numerous people" is.

2. Daunte may have been holding a stripper by the buttocks for a short period of time, but when the bartender lightly tapped him on the shoulder, he immediately dropped her.

1. "You criticize us when we don't score; and you charge us with misdemeanors when we do?!!!"

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declares: "the Nazi Holocaust is a Myth."

Fair 'nuff.

It's fun to play the Imaginary History Game! How about a couple more declarations of "truth":

The Shah's exile was a myth.


Iranian sovereignty is a myth.

Get some heads of state of important countries saying those things, and watch old Mahmoud's butt pucker.

People I Hate #1

That chick on the McDonald's commercial that is played ad nauseum on channel 11 every morning. You know the one:

And tomorrow I'm getting a pool boy. And I don't even own a pooooooooooool.

Please go away Pool Boy Skank.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Exchange Program

I've hijacked an open thread at Residual Forces.

Two points

Point 1

Mike Kaszuba, Mary Lynn Smith and Myron P. Medcalf of the Star & Sickle are condescending pricks.

As evidence I submit this article about the smoking ban roll back and, in particular, the paragraph below:

In a decisive but narrow vote, Hennepin County elated bars and their customers by becoming one of the few local governments in the country to adopt a smoking ban and then roll it back to placate bar owners who complained it was crippling them financially. [emphasis mine].

There, there little bar owners. You can stop your whining now. We’ve decided to let you make a living after all. Aren’t we great parents?

Point 2

Out of Air America Radio is DOA.

Would someone please tell the lefty who maintains this page to update the thing more than once every 6 months? It will really help his traffic levels.

More Christmas Cheer

Kevin's blog went fubar. What makes it doubly tragic is that he barely had any time to enjoy his liberation from the MAWB Squad.

So in a small attempt to cheer up Kevin and his 10 or 20 readers - if only for a fleeting moment -I offer this (Flash animation with sound).

NonMonkey Forced to Abort in Mid-Cheap-Shot

How much does this guy make? For what? This?

But first, let's talk about a Norwegian sailor named Johannes Larsen, who jumped ship in New York City and became an undocumented American. Larsen was the maternal grandfather of former Attorney General John Ashcroft, author of the Patriot Act, now a professor at Regent University, which calls itself America's "pre-eminent Christian university."

That's right: Ashcroft is a descendant of ship jumpers. How does that eagle soar, pal?

Not very far, as we're about to find out, pal:

He jumped off ship," Sjursen said. I gasped: "Was he an illegal immigrant?"I think he did the paperwork and got [to be] American later," Sjursen said.

So then the answer is "no." Ashcroft's grandfather did it the right way.

One gets the feeling that Nick was typing on deadline. For if he had the time to get to the St. Paul White Castle to find another story, this "column" would never have seen the light of day.

Oh, and one more thing before I release you back into the wild, Nick:


Why don't you go jump into a harbor? Dumbshit.

Perhaps She Shouldn't Help Her Children With Their English Homework

Fishsticks receives a quick reply to his latest column from a public school bobo. Maybe he missed the irony inherent in the letter, or maybe he has too much class to point it out, but Sticks failed to address some revealing mistakes in the correspondent's semi-insulting screed. Fortunately for you, I have a sharp eye and no class. Keep in mind that Sticks' critic was once a teacher and has, presumably, helped her children with their homework:

After teaching a couple years long ago and having two boys in public schools here in St. Paul, I know the problem with falling scores, [should be a colon here, not a comma -ed.] parents. Yes, for every one parent actively involved with their [disagreement in number - i.e the plural "their" as pronoun for "one parent" -ed.] child's education there are ten that are not. It is easy for a parent to show up at one meeting and complain, [sentence should end here, and begin a new one with the next word. -ed.] it is hard ["difficult" would be a better word. I'll let it go as a stylistic preference -ed.] sitting down every night to see what your child is doing in school. It is hard to turn the TV, Gameboy or whatever off [should read "to turn off the TV..."; while this construction is not technically a split infinitive, the potential confusion to the reader is similar. -ed. ] and make your child do the homework or read a book.

A teacher in middle school on up has your child for maybe fifty minutes along with 30-40 other children a day, [should be a semicolon or a new sentence here - not a comma -ed.] do the math for how much attention can be given to any one student. [If you actually do the math, you will realize that this can't possibly be what she meant. -ed.] I found in a discussion about education with my colleagues at work that the voucher proponents spent less time with their children than the public school proponents. [Strawman alert! Gross unfounded generalization alert!. -ed.] So long as parents rant and rave about their "schools" and fail to even moderately follow their children's DAILY progress [Should be comma here. Stylistically, this sentence would be better constructed if the "schools will do poorly" clause appeared at the beginning of it rather than at the end .-ed.] schools will do poorly. Parents are responsible for seeing their children do their work [Need comma here. -ed.] and they have a responsibility to the community's children to financially support our schools.

Also [Comma! -ed.] wake up and smell the coffee, [Cliche'. Also, sentence should end here.] it is easy for a family making $100,000 to be involved [Another gross, unfounded generalization. Also needs a comma here. -ed.] but by a large margin they are not involved [Unfounded assertion. -ed.] , so how does a family of long hours and modest means have the luxury of time and money? [End of run-on sentence; beginning of a new one. -ed.] Social and economic ills effect [Should be "affect". You were a teacher?-ed.] education despite the belief by [Should be "of," not "by". -ed.] the public school bashers, but the same bashers are most likely clueless to their own children's education [SYNTAX interrupts: "Help! I'm being tortured!" -ed.] because they care more about their money than they truly do about their children's education. [Yet another unfounded assertion and gross generalization. -ed.] So who really is delusional? [Gratuitous ad hominem, you dumbass. -ed.]

Wow! Syntactically impaired. Substantively impaired. [Sentence fragments. -ed.]

Oh, shut up.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Since I am unable to speak truth to power (Democrats currently being out of power) KAR's last best hope for a major award falls upon the broad shoulders of Sisyphus.

Sisyphus only please, Chad.

The mayor’s wife shows her ignorance

NOTE FROM KAR's MANAGING EDITOR: Deborah Rybak is RT's sister in law, not his wife. For those of you looking for a cheap "gotcha" snark, please note how long it took us to issue a correction as compared to how long it will take the Strib to issue one for the errors Dementee illustrates below. Also keep in mind that Dementee is not a "professional journalist," but rather is a moonbat-snarfing monster. Thank you.

Deborah Caulfield Rybak attempts to report on the lineup changes coming to the Rightwing talk radio behemoth, KSTP-AM.

I say “attempts” because she can’t get even the simple things right. I’m fairly certain she’s never listened to the station – how could a good leftie tune-in to listen to a bunch of racist, sexist, homophobic, warmongers – but the least she could do is look at the web site to find out what the current line up is before comparing it to the new.

For example, Mrs. Mayor writes: Tom Mischke, long the keeper of the 8-10 p.m. spot -- considered a perfect location for his eccentric brand of broadcasting -- will move to 5:30-7:30 p.m.

The truth: Mischke hasn’t been the “keeper” of the 8-10 spot for a couple of years – maybe longer.

Mrs. Mayor's Sister In Law: Chris Krok will move to a later slot, 7:30-10 p.m

The truth: Um, no. Actually his show will end when it does now, but it will start 30 minutes earlier than currently.

Am I picking nits? Perhaps. But when the entertainment writer for the local liberal rag can’t get it right, how can one expect them to get the big things right.

Remember to cast your vote for Dementee.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Just Learned an Interesting Factoid in a CLE!

NOTE: I titled this post aware that there might be some in the Cognitively Deficient Community who would seize upon the word "learned" and write something stupid like: "Intellectually incurious wingnut finally learns something!" Instead, you should focus on the word "interesting". While I have learned a lot of things in CLEs, I am confident that few of our readers would find something like "redefining per stirpes distribution of estates" even remotely worth reading.

Most of you are aware (or maybe not) that when an appellate court issues a decision, it can be comprised one or more of three different types of opinions.

First, and most familiar is the opinion of the court - the court's actual legally binding and precedential decision:


...Therefore the court finds that the appellant's case is wholly without merit, and we affirm the lower court's decision. We also hold that counsel for the defendant is an ugly doodie head.

Second, most of you have heard of the dissenting opinion:


...Because I believe that appellant's case was fully meritorious, and that counsel for the appellant is a straight up hottie, I respectfully dissent from the court's opinion.

Then, a decision may feature one or more concurring opinions:


...While we concur in today's decision, I write separately to note that the three pronged test the majority applied to measure appellant counsel's hotness is fast becoming out-of-date. I believe that the court needs to move away from the so-called "Big Hooters" standard and lend more weight to the prong which takes into consideration ass lusciousness.

But what you didn't know is that there's is a fourth type of opinion that a judge or justice may issue: the "dubitante". A dubitante is the judicial equivalent of a punt.


...I dunno. I s'pose she is kinda ugly. Can I have some pie now?

Here's a link to a recent case with a dubitante (concurring) opinion.

You'd think that a $75,000 law school education would have included some mention of this.

Poll: Lileks Is Balaban

As if the outcome was ever in doubt. 41% of poll respondents sided with me on the Great Lileks Lookalike Controversy of '05. That response edged out "Who is Lileks?" which came in with 33%.

Only 14% of pollees have taken multiple pucks to the head.

One observation: it's interesting to note how there are far far fewer votes registered in these polls when the MAWB Squad has no stake in the results.


Since we're on the subject of polls, I direct you to Bogus Gold, where Doug commences the annual year-end self-congratulating awards season with a poll for an award named after Jim Boyd.


Our very own Dementee is in the running so go vote for him before he does something you will regret.

Finally, I installed a new poll on the sidebar. Let's put our heads together and determine the most puzzling mystery of the year: just what the hell Mitch Berg had going on last Thursday night.

This oughta tell you all you need to know about Left's morals

Howard Dean has been fond of saying lately, among other things, that Democrats and Liberals are the standard bearers when it comes to moral authority and character. I'm really glad to hear that because I was getting confused.

These are the same people who would have Stanley "Tookie" Williams knighted, sainted, and generally celebrated as an exemplary human being. This guy shot at least four people in cold blood, and is arguably responsible for countless deaths by virtue of starting a terrorist group called the Crips.

These are also the same people who have blinding, irrational hatred for President Bush. This man has only liberated two countries and 52 million people from despotic regimes, put the middle east on a path toward a more tranquil future, and dedicated vast amounts of financial and medical resources to fighting AIDS on the African continent.

Thanks Howard. I see things much more clearly now.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I'm Afraid I'll Have to Give Up My Seat at the "Hitter" Table

As one of the brightest stars in the MOB blogging pantheon, I was invited to sit at the prestigious "hitter" table at the upcoming MOB gala. Unfortunately, some disturbing facts have come to light apropos (correct usage, Mitch?) the nature of some of the others who will be at that table (emphasis mine):

Apparently Mark Yost, ultra-conservative editorialist, is going to explain over the next few weeks why education funding should be cut. If only once Yost and columnist Craig Westover would at least be honest in their attacks on public education, I could respect the position they took with honest disagreement.

The truth is, they hate the teachers unions because radical conservatives hate all unions. The teachers unions are overwhelmingly liberal because they are made up of intelligent and educated people who are overwhelmingly liberal (college students and professors, for example).

Yost makes fraudulent arguments comparing apples and oranges based on incomplete and meaningless statistics (comparing amounts spent per student at the end of World War II and today, for example, without considering the vast societal changes that have taken place in those 60 years).


As many of you know, Mark Yost and Craig Westover (a hobby columnist), are frequent denizens of the Hitter table. Now, I'm sorry if I come off too superior here, but I cannot and will not share a table with two ultra-conservative, dishonest, hate-filled, radical, uneducated, dumb and fraudulent school-budget cutting reprobates. I would much rather converse and pour libations with more moderate, even-tempered, reasonable, non-bomb-throwing folk like Mr. Olson.

Sisyphus can have my seat.

A Question for the S&S Fascists

Dear Star & Sickle,

Are you done, yet? Will this be it? Can I count on you to crawl back into your holes and let us go on with our lives, or do you plan to continue advocating the chipping away of rights until all of us are forced to live your vision of what our lives should be?

Under what circumstances can I expect you to side with smokers? Will you do so when Dave Thune and his guilt-fueled anti-smoking campaign attempts to ban smoking on city streets, in private automobiles, in private residences? When will it be?

Tell me now, so we don’t have to continue reliving the same debate over and over again.

‘Cmon you chicken-shits, take a principled stand, go the whole nine yards, eat the whole enchilada. Tell us what you really want. What’s the endgame? I know it isn’t going to stop now.

When MPATT and their anti-smoking fascists are done destroying the bar and restaurant industry, they will move on to the streets, cars and houses. Make no mistake about it.

And you, my self-righteous little pinheads, you will be in the crosshairs one day as well. If I were you, I’d enjoy the double mocha lattes while you can, because it is a matter of time before the social engineers get hold of your favorite vice and render it obsolete because of the negative effects of caffeine.

When that day comes, I will be in the front of the line to say, “I told you so.”

Supertramp Can Teach Us a Lot About Nonmonkey's Torture Policy

The questions run too deep
For such a simple man. - Supertramp

LOGIC: Hey man. Do you know a lawyer?


LOGIC: I want to sue Nonmonkey and press charges in the International Criminal Court.

LF: Yow! What did he do to you?

LOGIC: He tortured me.

LF: Tortured you???!!!

LOGIC: Yeah. Tortured me.

LF: Wow. How did he torture you?

LOGIC: Well, this is the rhetorical equivalent of the thumbscrews:

The ["inflammatory" report released by Governor Pawlenty on the costs of illegal immigrants "undocumented aliens" on Minnesota's economy] attributes 85 percent of the cost of "illegal immigrants" to educating their children. Irresponsibly, however, it lumps 11,000 children born on U.S. soil -- who thus are American citizens -- with 7,000 children who are undocumented aliens. So most of the education cost (60 percent) is spent on U.S. citizens! As for the rest, the Supreme Court ruled in 1982 that all children are entitled to a public education, regardless of their immigration status.

LF: Oh man. That sounds stunningly painful! The report he mentions is about the costs caused by illegal immigration. Then he says that the children born to illegal immigrants in America don't count because they're US citizens. THEN he tries to obfuscate this by mentioning an irrelevant fact about the Supreme Court. That had to hurt.

LOGIC: Yes. A lot. Whether or not the kids were born here or not, their parents were still illegals, and hence the education of said kids can be fairly attributed to illegal immigration. To wit: the state would not have incurred those costs if not for illegal immigrants.

LF: Cruel!

LOGIC: That's not all.

LF: Oh no?

LOGIC: No. He then stretched me out on the rack. You know how he always writes about how poverty rates are increasing and the US economy is in the toilet?

LF: Why yes. Here is one example. Though, I note that it's been expunged from the Strib's archives.

LOGIC: That's what I'm talking about. Well, read that, and then read this - a quote he uses to support his, er, whatever it is:

"Illegal" immigration is an inevitable product of a growing economy and tightening immigration laws, says Donna R. Gabaccia, director of the Immigration History Research Center at the University of Minnesota. "When there's a prosperous local economy," she says, "it attracts immigrants."


LOGIC: Heh heh. Good one.

LF: Thanks. Well it certainly looks like he treated you rather harshly.

LOGIC: Straight up, Foot. But there was more.

LF: More?!

LOGIC: He dragged out the *gulp* iron maiden.

LF: Iron Maiden? Sweet!

LOGIC: Not that Iron Maiden you doofus. The bad kind.

LF: Oh.

LOGIC: And that joke has already been done in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

LF: Sorry. Tell me about the iron maiden.

LOGIC: I - I can't. It was too awful. But if you really must know all the hideous details, you can read about that ordeal here, from the man who liberated me.

LF: I gotta say, that's not so much torturing you as it is so much petard hoisting.

LOGIC: We're talking about Nonmonkey here - don't you mean retard hoisting?

LF: Ha ha haha hahahahahahahahahahaha! Nice!

LOGIC: I managed to maintain my sense of humor through all this. In any event, intellectual dishonesty harms me too. It's an emotional rather than a physical abuse; but it hurts nonetheless.

LF: True dat, yo.