Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How JB Doubtless Perpetuates Lies

Blood is freedom's stain. -IRON F**ING MAIDEN

Funny how JB Doubtless takes the word of a drugged out metal guitarist and a married-into-prominence publicity whore's word over the God of Metal's.

Sorry JB, they're lying to you. And you bought it pal.

How do I know?

Well first, I've got an eyewitness to Iron Maiden's historical rep in regard to America and conflagrations in the Middle East. I'll reprint it here because it has a nice shoving-JB's-nose-into-his-own-bullshit effect to it:

I saw them once, back in 1991 on the No Prayer For the Dying tour, during Operation Desert Storm. Someone in the front row handed Bruce [Dickinson] a very long banner. He looked at it, nodded his head, and hung it across the stacks of amplifiers for all to see. It said, SEND EDDIE TO F**K UP SADDAM. That got the biggest round of applause that night. I also remember Bruce introducing "Die With Your Boots On" by dedicating it to the troops and declaring that "If any Iron Maiden fans happen to be anti-war protestors, you can go f**k yourselves". What a great show. The music was good, too.

Second, I have it on good authority from National Review.

Let's see here... who to buy into?... a guy who gets drunk and fisks Bruce Springsteen songs, or John Miller from National Review Online.

I think I'll go with NRO on this one.

Oh, and during this year's Ozfest, didn't Ozzy try to perform "War Pigs" in front of a back drop comparing George Bush to Hitler (only to be nixed by drummer Bill Ward when he found out about it)? Why, yes. Yes he did.

If you look up gullible in the dictionary, it says: "YOU'VE JUST WON A LIMITED EDITION SHARON OZBOURNE FLAMING BULLSHIT I-POD!!"

More later, when my research guy gives me more info.

Until then: take it back JB. There's blog cred issues at stake here.

The Condensed RFK Jr.

Fucking idiot.

Kofi? Where are you, Kofi?

A few questions for all you United Nations-worshiping Left Wing pricks:

Where's your beloved UN now?

Where's Kofi now that Katrina has left unspeakable devistation in her wake?

Why has he not commented on the death and distruction?

Kofi!! Come out, come out wherever you are!

Come on, you spineless bastard, poke your head up and say a few words to make us all feel better.

Pretent you lead an organization that can actually help people, as opposed to ripping them off through your corrput programs.


I Am Only Doing This Meme to Demonstrate That the Music Scene King Banaian Got Stuck With Could Have Been Much, Much Worse

So there's this meme going around: get the list of top 100 songs from the year you graduated high school here, copy it into your blog, bold the ones you like, and strikeout the ones you hate.

Problem is, I hate memes and try to avoid doing them.

Problem with that is King Baniaananan feels as though he got the shaft with his list.


Come King, let me show you the craptacular music I had to endure my senior year: 1990.

Yes, 1990 was the year that such artists as Bel Biv Devoe, Sweet Sensation, Vanilla Ice, Biz Markie and Milli Vanilli leapt into the spotlight, barfed a single or two onto the charts (or in Milli Vanilli's case, dry-heaved it) and then disappeared back into the obscurity from whence they came. My most common reaction to the "artists" who charted a song in 1990 was "who the hell is that????" And unfortunately, of the ones I did recognize, they were all too often Michael Bolton.

About the best thing I can say about this list, is that I am able to complete this meme without having to close the overstrike tags too often:

1. Hold On, Wilson Phillips
2. It Must Have Been Love, Roxette
3. Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O'Connor
4. Poison, Bell Biv Devoe 5. Vogue, Madonna
6. Vision Of Love, Mariah Carey
7. Another Day In Paradise, Phil Collins
8. Hold On, En Vogue
9. Cradle Of Love, Billy Idol
10. Blaze Of Glory, Jon Bon Jovi
11. Do Me!, Bell Biv Devoe
12. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Michael Bolton
13. Pump Up The Jam, Technotronic
14. Opposites Attract, Paula Abdul
15. Escapade, Janet Jackson
16. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You, Heart
17. Close To You, Maxi Priest

18. Black Velvet, Alannah Myles
19. Release Me, Wilson Phillips
20. Don't Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville
21. All Around The World, Lisa Stansfield
22. l Wanna Be Rich, Calloway
23. I Remember You, Skid Row
24. Rub You The Right Way, Johnny Gill
25. She Ain't Worth It, Glenn Medeiros Featuring Bobby Brown
26. If Wishes Came True, Sweet Sensation
27. The Power, Snap
28. (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection, Nelson
29. Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dayne
30. Don't Wanna Fall In Love, Jane Child
31. Two To Make It Right, Seduction
32. Sending All My Love, Linear
33. Unskinny Bop, Poison
34. Step By Step, New Kids On The Block
35. Dangerous, Roxette
36. We Didn't Start The Fire, Billy Joel
37. I Don't Have The Heart, James Ingram
38. Downtown Train, Rod Stewart
39. Rhythm Nation, Janet Jackson
40. I'll Be Your Everything, Tommy Page

41. Roam, B-52's (The only decent B-52's song; meaning it wasn't migraine-inducingly annoying)
42. Everything, Jody Watley
43. Back To Life, Soul II Soul
44. Here and Now, Luther Vandross
45. Alright, Janet Jackson
46. Ice Ice Baby, Vanilla Ice
47. Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli
48. Have You Seen Her, M.C. Hammer
49. With Every Beat Of My Heart, Taylor Dayne
50. Come Back To Me, Janet Jackson
51. No More Lies, Michel'le
52. Praying For Time, George Michael
53. How Can We Be Lovers, Michael Bolton
54. Do You Remember, Phil Collins
55. Ready Or Not, After 7
56. U Can't Touch This, M.C. Hammer
57. I Wish It Would Rain Down, Phil Collins
58. Just Between You and Me, Lou Gramm
59. Something Happened On The Way To Heaven, Phil Collins
60. Black Cat, Janet Jackson
61. Can't Stop, After 7

62. Janie's Got A Gun, Aerosmith
63. The Humpty Dance, Digital Underground
64. I'll Be Your Shelter, Taylor Dayne

65. Free Fallin', Tom Petty
66. Giving You The Benefit, Pebbles
67. Enjoy The Silence, Depeche Mode
68. Love Song, Tesla
69. Price Of Love, Bad English
70. Girls Nite Out, Tyler Collins
71. King Of Wishful Thinking, Go West
72. What Kind Of Man Would I Be?, Chicago
73. Get Up! (Before The Night Is Over), Technotroic
74. Here We Are, Gloria Estefan

75. Epic, Faith No More (Which asked the immortal question: "What is it?"; and answered: "It's it.")
76. Love Takes Time, Mariah Carey
77. Just Like Jesse James, Cher
78. Love Shack, B-52's
79. All Or Nothing, Milli Vanilli
80. Romeo, Dino
81. Everybody Everybody, Black Box
82. I Go To Extremes, Billy Joel
83. Whip Appeal, Babyface
84. Oh Girl, Paul Young
85. C'mon and Get My Love, D-Mob With Cathy Dennis
85. (It's Just) The Way That You Love Me, Paula Abdul
87. We Can't Go Wrong, Cover Girls
88. When I'm Back On My Feet Again, Michael Bolton
89. Make You Sweat, Keith Sweat
90. This One's For The Children, New Kids On The Block
91. What It Takes, Aerosmith
92. Forever, Kiss
93. Jerk Out, Time
94. Just A Friend, Biz Markie
95. Whole Wide World, A'me Lorain
96. Without You, Motley Crue
97. Swing The Mood, Jive Bunny and The Mastermixers
98. Thieves In The Temple, Prince
99. Mentirosa, Mellow Man Ace
100. Tic-Tac-Toe, Kyper

Worst. Year. In. Music. Ever.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

DEMENTEE MAD AT DOUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





So anyway, while I don't mind others disagreeing for whatever reason, "moonbat" is rarely on the menu here anymore.


Moron Mail

If I were an idiot with no life and only a tenuous awareness of the world around me, yet still had the same right-leaning political philosophy, I might write a letter to the Strib that went like this:

Thanks to Teddy Kennedy and his gluttonous appetite and unquenchable "thirst" there are about a thousand fewer tons of food and bottles of Chivas Regal to help the displaced people in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Isn't the point of Chivas Regal to help comfort those displaced by natural disasters?

Pretty lame, huh? I mean how low is it to take a natural disaster that has impacted hundreds of thousands of lives and use it to take a cheap shot at a politician many dislike?

Not to mention I have no idea what Teddy drinks now. For all I know, it may be Dewars or Crown Royale. If I were to actually send something like that in, I would be rightly chastised as a no-nothing jackass shooting off his mouth. And the Strib would be right not to publish such a letter.

Oh wait:

Thanks to President Bush and his unjust and ill-conceived war in Iraq, there are about a thousand fewer Army National Guard members in Louisiana to help in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Isn't the point of the National Guard to protect us at home and help out in natural disasters?

Blarn3y P3t3rs0n, Minneapolis.

Not only has twittledick here blessed us with that refreshingly original and underused phrase "unjust and ill-conceived war" (does Michael Moore write all these letters and them dole them out to fellow travelers to send in?), but he's tacitly trying to tell us that there aren't going to be enough Guardsmen to participate in the cleanup and relief.

I smell a talking point...

Yep, the moonbats are trying to set it up so that GW Bush gets the blame should anything in the aftermath of Katrina go wrong or take longer than expected. I've heard estimates that some will be without electricity for up to 3 weeks. How much do you want to bet that 2 weeks from now we'll hear some brain-damaged Kos wannabe saying "If those Guard units were back here in the States instead of in Iraq fighting an illegal and misguided war, everybody would have had their power back on by now"?

Feh. For the record, nobody is concerned about the number of Guardsmen available for the hurricane relief effort. From the AP story that Dead-Flies-for-Brains must have read before making us all stupider for having read his cliche-ridden garbage:

(First, in the interest of intellectual honesty, here's the line that Super Twerp got his info from)
Some 6,000 National Guard personnel from Louisiana and Mississippi who would otherwise be available to help deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina are in Iraq.

Even odds that the source of that little nugget came from MoveOn, Code Pink or some other drool merchant organization. But then we read further:

Even so, Pentagon spokesman Lawrence Di Rita said the states have adequate National Guard units to handle the hurricane needs. He said about 6,500 National Guard troops were available in Louisiana, about 7,000 in Mississippi, nearly 10,000 in Alabama and about 8,200 in Florida.

So to you Barney Butthead, I say "Shut the hell up and pass the Chivas".

Monday, August 29, 2005

OPG: Dispatches From the Road

I checked my e-mail this morning and found several communiques from our beloved Obnoxious Packer Guy. It appears OPG is on a road trip:


Friday Aug. 26, 2005. 11:00 pm


I'm pretty wasted right now. I still have a bad taste in my mouth (think "Blatz") from my misguided protest of Bob Slowik. I've decided that the best thing to do to cleanse my soul is to go on a pilgrimage. I hit the road tomorrow. Where am I going? It's a surprise.

I'll be in touch.


Saturday Aug. 26, 2005. 9:00 am.

I'm making good time. After driving a little under 3 hours, I'm taking a break at a watering hole in Matoon, Illinois. Having some grub and a few pops (of the barley variety) before I hit the road again.

I feel a little uneasy here in the Belly of the beast. They hate the packers here. Their hatred is no doubt fomented by Bears coach Lovie Smith's pronouncement before last season that "beating the Pack is priority number one". And dagnabbit if they didn't do that.

Lovie Smith is a terrific danger to the Pack. He's made Soldier's Field a launching pad for bravado laden rhetoric and lousy football. I'm sure Mike Sherman and Ted Thompson would like to take him out. My question is: why don't they? I mean they could do it. They have a duty to take out Lovie. They should just take him out. Have Nick Barnett overrun a tackle into the Bears' sideline and level him or something.

More later,

Saturday Aug. 27, 2005. 7:30 pm.


I've stopped at a bar somewhere in Arkansas for a bite and some brews. I'm getting close to my destination.

Oh, and sorry about that whole "we gotta take out Lovie Smith" thing. I didn't mean it.

Anyway, I love your "Moron Mail" features. I've been musing myself about all those stupid letters to the Strib and thought I might try my hand at writing one. Here's a letter to the Strib that I'd write if I were a mouth-breathing, talking-point perpetuating imbecile:

Many letter writers lately have been concerned about the morale of the troops fighting in Iraq, as well as the morale of those National Guard units about to be sent to the war zone.

I wonder what degrades that morale more: concerned citizens at home exercising their freedom to protest a war they think is unjust, or finding out that the Bush administration started the war based on lies regarding phantom weapons of mass destruction?

Pretty good huh? I crammed 2 talking points into one paragraph. And I pretended I didn't know what the word "lie" means. How about this one:

In this cynical age, Katherine Kersten's loyalty to President Bush is perhaps admirable. The problem is that blind loyalty can block new thoughts, and often the ultraloyal have to contort wildly as they justify.

For example, in explaining the rise in dissent against the war, Kersten doesn't blame mismanagement, she blames the media, because they report bad news. Apparently all we need to do is read happy news, and we'll win the war.

Also, in an attempt to add "context" to public perception, she distorts history with amazing gall. First she associates the goal of fighting in Iraq to the goal of fighting in World War II (did Saddam attack the U.S.?), then she argues -- jaw-droppingly -- that the 1968 Tet Offensive would be viewed as a victory if only the media hadn't reported how many Americans were killed.

But Kersten's main defense of the war is the old neocon trick: She slimes people, suggesting that antiwar views are self-serving, or anti-soldier, or uninformed, or calculated. Take your pick, I guess.

Kersten is unquestioningly loyal to the president, but is she loyal to truth?

As you can see here, I employed both misdirection (i.e. a rolling body count is the only news worth reporting from Iraq) plus a variation of the whole "why do conservatives hate freedom" meme. I think that also combining the latter with the common accusation that any writer who dares to agree with the President is an arm of Karl Rove's propaganda machine is pure genius. And note also my use of the meaningless label "neocon".

I will announce the destination of my pilgrimage next time I write you.


Saturday Aug 27, 2005. 11:47 pm.


I have arrived here in New Orleans. Yes, my pilgrimage is to the Louisiana Superdome - the venue in which the Pack scored their third Lombardi Trophy back in 1996. I decided to drive straight down to the Quarter, since after such a long journey I need to get my drink on.

The Quarter is surprisingly quiet. I wonder where everybody is?

More tomorrow,


Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 1:00 pm.

Dude, the Quarter hella SUCKED. All the bars were closed. I thought this was supposed to be a party town.

I'm now outside of the Superdome, resplendent in my Mark Chmura jersey, cheesehead, cheese tie and Green -n- Gold beads (when in Rome...). The traffic was horrible, but I made it. There are A LOT of people - thousands maybe - here standing in line to take the tour. Yes - I'm writing an e-mail while in line at the Superdome! I've been fortunate enough to get a wifi signal just about everywhere I go! Hope my luck keeps up. I had no idea this tour was so popular.

Looks like rain. More when I'm inside.


Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 3:30 pm.


Man it took a long time to get inside! But it's worth it! This is an AWESOME tour. There are no tour guides - they just let you wander around the stadium. I already have found the Saints' locker room and put Icy-Hot in all the jock straps. Heh heh.

The best part: they give you a cot in case you want to stay the night. Sweet!

I'm going to explore some more. I'll be back later.


Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 9:00 pm.


The roof is starting to leak. Some dome.

Monday Aug. 29, 2005. 8:00 am.

That was a pretty comfortable cot. Never spent an entire night in an NFL stadium. I almost accomplished the feat back in '94, when I pitched my tent at the 30 yard line at Lambeau. Made it 'til about 11:00, and from there spent the remainder of the evening as a guest in the Brown County Jail.

Anyway, I'm all packed up and on my way to the door. All in all a successful pilgrimage. I'll --

HOLY F***ING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That is all I have heard from OPG.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Defame & De Fortune, or: Slander Me Again and I'm Libel to Sue You

Swiftee posts on Checks and Balances' (link heretofore embargoed) followup to its brain turd yesterday. Go read it now.

Swiftee didn't mention the last line of C&B's "article," which was written in a teeny weenee font at the bottom of the page, where this Towle character is exhorting his fellow moonbats to lawyer themselves up and unleash the hounds of hell on MDE (emphasis mine):

It appears to us here at Checks & Balances that any enterprising individual who feels they have been defamed or misrepresented is well within their bounds to learn the name of the person who originally anonymously registered the above domain names and call for their public release.


Without getting into the finer points of the law of defamation / slander / libel, I will just enlighten Mr. Towle as to his situation regarding that law:

* MDE has said that because of his blog, he has received threats of violence, lawsuits, and arson to his home.

* Contrary to your assertion yesterday, Jerry Plagge is not MDE.

* Your assertion has put Plagge out in the open to the same threats that MDE has endured, although now the violent moonbats can use a phonebook to find his address and phone number.

* If you wish to use the "public figure" / "Public concern" argument, be advised your "research" and hastily reached conclusions fit quite neatly into the "reckless disregard for the truth" element of a defamatory tort.

But by all means: please keep writing about "slanderous" bloggers.


Nonmonkey is the Archie Bunker of our times: fiercely bigoted, perpetually crabby, cloistered in his own little realm where the only good news is the news he can complain about. The problem with this type of existence is that he often must look really hard in odd places to find a fellow useful idiot that shares his dim view of "reality".

And so Nick goes off to the fair, desperate to turn it into a miserable milieu of ennui and hopelessness:

Add food for thought to what you'll consume at the fair

Oh look: Nonmonkey is giving us "food for thought". See, he knows stuff.

The State Fair is where we go to catch a glimpse of ourselves, to find out how we're doing, to look in the mirror and check the mood of Minnesota. No one person can take it all in, and not even the combined effort of every newspaper and TV station in town can quite capture the mood. But after a first stroll around the fair Thursday, I say: The mood is not good.

This is the type of journalistic research NM is famous for: he pokes his head into a situation, takes a quick look around for anything - anything - he can expand to Brobdingnagian proportions that allows him to "prove" his thrice-weekly thesis; namely "the world sucks and wingnuts are to blame".

Ever since 9/11, there has been an edge to the fair, a throbbing anxiety that has murmured just below the sound of screams and compressed air machines. But this year, it has seeped in a little deeper, becoming an actual undercurrent of discord.

Anybody who's been to the fair in the past 3 years ever observe this "edge" NM is talking about?

I didn't think so. It's a figment of his fertile (pun intended) imagination.

And note: after "one stroll" through the fair grounds, early on the FIRST DAY of the fair, NM already notes this edge has descended into a meaningless NM trademark rhetorical flourish an "actual undercurrent of despair."

You won't have to notice it if you don't want to spoil your end-of-summer party. But it is as plain as the polls that show deep disapproval of the way the unending war in Iraq is going and with the deafness of the country's leaders -- of both parties -- to growing questions about the direction of the United States.

Yes, desperate for yet another diatribe against the war, he uses the STATE FECKING FAIR as the backdrop. On Planet Nick you can go from deep fried Twinkies on a stick to Mosul in the bat of an eye. Can you say "one-trick monkey"?

I stood at attention Thursday as National Guard soldiers raised the American flag outside the Leinie Lodge and we observed a moment of silence. Nearby, in a familiar tableau that was unsettling, a man lay flat on his back in the intersection of Dan Patch Avenue and Cosgrove Street, attended by ambulance workers while a small crowd gathered. I was thinking of lima beans.

This is what I like to call a "Ryan Rhodes Dream Graf". That would be the part of a NM column that simultaneously drips with stilted self-promoting condescension, non-sequitur and patent unintentional absurdity while at the same time not doing a thing to advance the narrative outside of providing a hamfisted segue to the meat -as it were - of NM's story. A RR Dream Graf typically, but not always involves a St. Paul White Castle.

I'll leave this one to Ryan, and content myself to call NM a moron, and move on.


I had just left the crop art exhibit in the Horticulture Building, where I found the usual depictions of celebrities and pop icons -- from portraits of Pope John Paul II to one of Johnny Cash, amusingly composed entirely of various seeds all of which, befitting the man, are black.

But there were edgier works, too, including a life-size immigrant worker scarecrow. The champion scarecrow wears a sombrero and a crucifix, has a face made of burlap and has a pamphlet in his pocket about how to learn English. Created by Laura Burlis of Minneapolis, this scarecrow isn't about the fears that trouble crows. It's about the ones that trouble America.

[Dramatic music]BUM BA BUM BUM[/Dramatic music]

So, NM's whole thesis is based upon 1) Some sort of gestalt he felt with the wandering crowds on a single loop of the fairgrounds; and 2) Artists. Who ply their craft. In the medium. Of seeds.

Journalism doesn't get much better than this.

Allow me a quick digression so that I may try my hand at Nonmonkey style analysis:

The St. Louis Cardinals suck. The Cards have no less than 10 players on its roster whose batting average is below the super dismal .225 mark.

They also have three pitchers with an ERA of over 10.00 (yes 10!).

Oh wait. They're the best team in baseball! How can that be, in light of the above facts?

Moving on...

One award-winning crop-art display was a miniature military cemetery, complete with a seed-art Old Glory and gnarled trees standing amid a somber scene of graves laid out in rows. Each grave, bearing a painted number, was represented by an upturned lima bean. "In Tribute," was the title given by artist Steve Dahlberg of Minneapolis, who added: "1,863 casualties as of 8-20-05."

Dahlberg put the finishing touches on his work last Saturday. By the time the fair opened, 11 more had died, including another Minnesotan.

And here, I must refer you back to that graf above that contained the line "but it is as plain as the polls that show deep disapproval of the way the unending war in Iraq is going". If the only news you get from Iraq is the Gleeful Rolling Body Count variety that the Strib, the New York Times, WaPo, CNN, the Big Three Nets and, as we see here, NM himself deals in, then it's not too hard to explain those polls. Well, there is also the pollsters' tendency to oversample Democrats.

Please allow me a moment to duct tape my head before I impart the next excerpt. I suggest you do the same.

One provocative art exhibit is an installation of communion wafers by St. Paul artist Margaret Hilger. The piece is called, "In God's Name: America's Holy War," and consists of hundreds of wafers spilling onto an altar, each printed with a date, presumably the dates of troop deaths in Iraq. Many visitors passed "America's Holy War" without reacting, perhaps missing the message. Others stopped in their tracks.

"It's a very good statement," said Lucille Matousek of Mankato. "We are sacrificing our young people for nothing, in a pseudo-religious war."

Oh barf.

That's all I can say.

Barf barfity barf barf.

Hey, wait one cotton candy-pickin' minute! I though this war was about oil! Oh well, if NM's "truth tellers" are now telling us it's a "pseudo-religious war," then I guess that it is. Crop artists are so much more tuned in to reality then us troglodytes. Except when they're hitting the bong, that is.

In the Marketplace of Ideas, you'll find Hilger's in the Less-Than-a-Dollar Closeout bin.

Lana Thormodsgaard of Colorado, who was in town to see her three Twin Cities-area sons, was knocked almost speechless. She felt "assaulted" by Hilger's work at first, but after staring at it for a while, it started to make more sense to her.

"We are in a spiritual war," she said. "It's exactly what God did when he sent Jesus into the world. He declared war on the principalities and powers of the Evil One. It is a holy war."

"Evil One." Heh. It's just so precious how NM gets a quote invoking religion so that he can prove his bona fides to all those wingnut Christians he abhores. Not the first time he's used that little trick.

Does anyone else find it strange that Nick didn't encounter anybody who found this work obscene? Or dullwitted? Or ugly?

No. That wouldn't serve his thesis.

I don't know if that's what the artist intended (I couldn't reach Hilger) [as if he tried. Or he did reach Hilger, and Hilger just didn't tell NM what he wanted to hear. -ed] But there is not just food on a stick at the fair. There is also food for thought. No one ever said a fair is just fun and Ferris wheels.

No, in post 9/11 Minnesota, fairs are edgy, depressing affairs with an undercurrent of discord.

Here's some food for thought, Nick: did it ever occur to you how chronic bitch-merchants like you might react if those you condemn actually took your advice?

Like if we didn't go into Iraq. Saddam would still be jerking the inspectors around ,and all you people would either be complaining that a) Afghanistan was a "quagmire"; b) "nothing" was being done in the "War on Terror"; or c) agitating to insert our military into a civil war in some place like Sudan.

Like if cops were more "proactive" against inner-city drug dealers. Then y'all would be crying "foul" about the overt racism of the Minneapolis police harassing young black people.

Like if everybody donated books to a school that had bare library shelves. Then you'd just scream that that wasn't the problem (though you had actually said that it was), and that the "real problem" is that the school doesn't have enough funding - to presumably buy the books that the school had just gotten for free through the generosity of the public.

Heh. That last one did happen.

Enough of your chronic bitching. Stay in your hole and wallow in your own misery. Leave the rest of us out of it.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


I think that I need to clear the air, since an innocent person is being harrassed by by a couple of idiots who think that looking around on constitutes "research":

I am MDE. Well, actually, V-Toed Bill is.

This guy is not MDE.

Go ahead: look it up on blogshares.

That is all.

V-TOED BILL ADDS: I am NOT the MDE. But I think Dementee is...


UPDATE FROM LF: From the comment thread: Bogus Doug claims that he and his wife are MDE. I tend to believe him as his blog is listed on blogshares.

Curiouser and curiouser.


THE HEAD O' ALFREDO GARCIA ADDS: I may or may not be MDE. But I will say this:

If I'm going down, I'm taking Sisyphus with me! MWAH HA HA HA!

UPDATE FROM LF #2: The following people have come forward to identify themselves as MDE in the last hour:

"Conservative Minnesota"


UPDATE FROM LF #3: It goes without saying that since niether Conservative Minnesota nor vikingvx are not listed on Blogshares, their assertions cannot be confirmed.

UPDATE FROM LF #4: Swiftee emails:

I'm MDE you lickspittle twatfaces! You want me? Come an' get it, beee-yotches!!!! LALALALALALALALALALALA!

LF Notes: Pair o' Dice is listed on Blogshares, so Swiftee could be telling the truth. Though oddly, someone named "Ian Mykel" owns 80% of Po'D shares.

So my question to Swiftee is this: why do you call yourself "Tom" when your real name must be "Ian"?

UPDATE FROM LF #5: Robert Novak and Judith Miller have both e-mailed to tell me that they know who MDE is, but aren't telling.

Novak added: "This whole thing is bullshit"


UPDATE FROM LF #6: Bogus Doug, who had previously admitted that he is MDE, is now hinting that his real name is not "Doug" but "Gerry Daly". Blogshares confirms this information.


UPDATE #7 (FROM THE HEAD): Sisyphus denies being MDE. I don't believe him. I will be checking this out on Blogshares.

UPDATE #8 (FROM LF): We cannot verify whether or not Sisyphus is MDE. However, during our investigation we did discover that he does own Halliburton common stock. From this we can conclude with certainty that Sisyphus is the CEO of Halliburton.


UPDATE #9 (FROM V-TOED BILL): Robert Novak has been suspended from KAR indefinitely.

UPDATE #10 (FROM LF): MDE himself has e-mailed us:

I am not MDE!

Curiouser and curiouser...

UPDATE #11 (FROM LF): In by far the wierdest twist of this developing story, the MOB's token lefty Flash has exposed himself outed himself as the Exposer.

Blogshares confirms.

UPDATE #12 (FROM LF): Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Who MDE Is

I just remembered that Iron Maiden had a song titled "Revelations". And I'll be damned if the song wasn't as prophetic as its title indicates:

The watcher in the ring:
It is you
Oh, it is you.

Get it? The "watcher in the ring" refers to the guy "watching" Minnesota Democrats!

And as the IM prophesy says, that watcher is *you*.

I am looking all of your asses up on blogshares.

UPDATE #13 (FROM LF): OK, here's the wrap up based on all the cicumstantial evidence KAR has uncovered.

The following people are not MDE:

V-Toed Bill
Jerry Plagge

The following people are MDE:

The Head of Alfredo Garcia
Bogus Doug a/k/a Gerry Daly
Mrs. Bogus Doug a/k/a Mrs. Daly
"Conservative Minnesota"
Tom Swift a/k/a Ian Mykal

The following person is the CEO of Halliburton:


We're through the looking glass here, people.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I Am Invoking Moral Authority Rule Number 2

Oh look! District 196 wants anooooooooooooooother levy referendum:

Voters in the Rosemount-Apple Valley-Eagan school district likely are going to be hit up for more of their tax dollars at the ballot box this November.

District 196 administrators say they need additional property-tax money to stave off widespread teacher cuts and to keep the schools afloat after two years of frozen state funding, despite an increase to the general education formula approved by the Legislature this year.

Superintendent John Currie wants to bring referendums on three tax levies to voters this fall:

*A new 10-year, $500-per-pupil levy that would cost taxpayers more than $14 million annually.

*The renewal of a 10-year, $106-per-pupil levy originally approved in 1995. This would cost about $3 million annually.

*An eight-year extension of the existing $500-per-pupil levy that is set to expire after 2006.

"We are just trying to keep in place the programs we have going," [OK, that would explain the extensions, but what about the *new* $14 million levy? Jerk. -ed.] Currie said. "We're not talking about adding anything new. This is the reality of the situation we are in."

OK John, let's talk about the little reality that you've put taxpayers in:

You finally passed - a what? - $300 million levy in 2002. This was after threatening to cut bussing, and *just* before you serendipitously "discovered" millions of dollars just laying around.

You passed a bond issue during a referendum election that was suspiciously held in June 2004. Nifty time for an election, doncha think? Right when nobody (except for, of course, teachers administrators etc. who I'm sure got plenty of notice) is expecting it. Sneaky weasels.

The "reality" is, douchebag, that a lot of people who bought houses they thought were affordable 2 years ago, are coming to find that their ever-higher escrow payments are creating a brand new reality.

And now you want more money?

And don't even get me started on vouchers, you crapweasel.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO FELLOW 196 RESIDENT ATOMIZER: Meet me at my place. Bring your special little "picnic basket". I'll supply the vermouth and olives. Then we can go to the Dist. 196 HQ on Diamond Path and barf on it.

Pounding the Crap Out of an Insipid Talking Point

I think Maureen Dowd was the first to use it. But she's a semi-insane self-loathing feminist who often drifts into and out of lucidity.

But the Strib editorial board must have gotten the memo, as indicated by today's institutional voice dreck. When you hear a familiar phrase in a Strib editorial, it's a certainty that it went from Lackoff's lips to Steve Berg's ears.

I'll avoid being too coy by giving you a hint as to what the moonbat talking point is in this excerpt from today's Strib drivel (HEY! New word: Strivel! Me so smart):

A new antiwar movement is being born this summer on a Texas roadside. It presents a much different face -- feminine, older, wiser, and filled with grief and righteous indignation. The face is that of mothers who lost sons and daughters in Iraq, first Cindy Sheehan of California, and now more, including Minnesota state Sen. Becky Lourey.

The moral authority of the blossoming movement's face is undeniable and, despite concerted conservative efforts to discredit it, unassailable. Even those who disagree with the antiwar encampment's contention that the war in Iraq is delivering none of its promised gains for this country are obliged to concede that Sheehan and other Gold Star mothers have the right to express their sorrow and anger as they see fit.

Were you able to figure out my subtle clue?

Good. Let's continue.

'Kay, in order to have moral authority to speak on the topic of the war (but only if your position is anti), you must have lost a child in that war.

Fine. But let's be intellectually honest here, shall we, you drooling imbeciles?

Here are the new rules of debate and public discourse as framed by the luminous geniuses at the Strib:

1) You are without moral authority to speak out against this country's energy policy as it relates to petroleum unless you:

a) do not ever use a car or bus to get anywhere,

b) the electricity for your dwelling is wholly supplied by your own windmill (that is not lubricated by any petroleum product);

c) you only patronize businesses that generate their electricity with their own windmill; and

d) your bicycle contains no plastic.

2) You are without moral authority to speak about a perceived lack of school funding unless:

a) you pay property taxes; and

b) you send / have sent your children to a private school, thereby subsidizing your own children's education in whole, and someone else's children in part.

Note to Rule 2: You may be allowed to broach the issue of public school funding if you eschew speaking ill of, and get down on your knees and thank, one of those parents who does pay their children's own way through school while continuing to subsidize the education of strangers. The import of this note is that we will never ever see another idiot column on the topic of public education by certain neo-socialist non-simian "journalists".

3) You have no moral authority to advocate for higher taxes "on the rich" unless you are a member of "the rich".

3a) If you live in a hovel on the east side of St. Paul and you put a sign in your yard that reads "Happy to pay more for a better Minnesota" knowing full well that any tax increase handed down from the capitol would never make you "pay more" taxes, you have no moral authority on anything. Period.

4) You have no moral authority to say that the "Packers suck," or any statement of similar derision, if your team has never in its history had a lead in the Super Bowl.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Moron Mail

The syntax-challenged community checks in today:


A quick observation: whenever a letter to the editor begins with the word "so", it is a 99% certainty that what follows is a smug, self-satisfied and precious missive that implodes upon itself in a vacuum of clear thought.

the president is headed off of his Neverland ranch

"Neverland ranch". Precious.

to campaign for his war in Idaho and Utah.

WE'RE AT WAR IN IDAHO AND UTAH???!!!!!!!! Why hasn't the MSM covered this story? Did those bastard Canadians invade? Where's my gun? We must rush to the defense of our western squarish-shaped states!

Why not attend a forum in Minnesota or California or Illinois?

Or, a better question might be "Why attend a forum in Minnesota, California or Illinois?"

It is obvious that he has no logical answers to explain American deaths in Iraq.

Putting aside the obvious non sequitur here, there is a logical answer to explain American deaths in Iraq:

Animals who, in the name of "Islam," are indiscriminately killing peaceful people who merely want to get on with their lives and have a hand in their government. Americans are dying trying to eliminate these people whom some of you (not naming names here, Shel) seem to tolerate.

Sh3ld0n W!nn!g, Crystal.

There's your "logical answer" pal. Not that it hasn't been repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again while nimrods like you (intelligent as I'm sure you think you are) still can't quite wrap your heads around it.

Of course it's difficult to wrap your head around anything when it's stuck so far up your butt.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Infringing the Copyright of Iron Maiden Songs

'Cause you know that you've heard it before...
-Iron Maiden

Iron Maiden has always been respectful of the intellectual property of others. For example, back in the early '80s, the crew recorded a song based on Frank Herbert's sci-fi classic "Dune". They sought permission from Herbert to title this song "Dune". Herbert reportedly denied them that permission on the basis that he hated heavy metal. So instead, the boys titled the song "To Tame a Land".

Then there are other "artists" who aren't so classy.

Take has-been diva and all-around annoying know-nothing Barbra Streisand. She has just released a new single that is a blatant rip-off of one of Iron Maiden's classic tunes.

But don't take my word for it. Compare for yourself:

Babs' new simple-minded exploitation tune released in 2005:

Stranger in a Strange Land

Iron Maiden's erudite retelling of an arctic exploration that ended in tragedy, released in 1986:

Stranger in a Strange Land

To recap:

Maiden in 1986: Stranger in a Strange Land

Babs in 2005: Stranger in a Strange Land

Normally, I am very critical of our over-litigious society. Therefore I think that fact lends some weight to what I'm about to say:


Besides, it appears that the boys need an outlet to vent their anger. I can think of no better method to do so than to take down a pompous windbag like Streisand.

(Kool Aid toast to charter IMOB member Dave)

Monday, August 22, 2005

Why the Air America Story Matters

There’s been a bit of discussion surrounding the infamous “loan” to “Out of” Air America Radio of late and the most oft noted reason for the lack of MSM coverage is the radio network’s lack of audience (cleversponge wrote: Nobody listens to Air America. That's why it's not in the paper) and, therefore, relevance to the political dialogue.

Sorry, Cleversponge, you put forth a lousy argument.

Regardless of audience size, in OOAA we have a highly touted Liberal radio network that hit the air in 2004 with more fanfare than any PR flack could hope buy. This collection of would-be radio professionals – and some who actually have spent their lives in a radio studio – was the recipient of the biggest press orgy in years.

They powered up their transmitters with the Bush Administration clearly in the crosshairs and the arrogance of Al “Republicans always lie” Franken dripping from the speakers of anyone who could find them on the dial.

Since then there have been numerous articles written about the greatness of Al Franken and OOAA. Almost non-stop coverage of how OOAA is bringing the other side of the story to America. Finally, we have a balance for Rightwing talk radio. Unfortunately, we’ve not been told the whole story.

The poor finances of the network were almost overlooked. Certainly it was reported when the management and ownership changed, but any inquiries into the financial health were pushed aside or reported by so few news outlets one would have to believe all was well.

Now, a bit more than a year after the network’s launch, Franken is openly considering a run for the US Senate against Senator Norm Coleman and OOAA is under investigation for possible criminal activity.

Senator Rod Grams was targeted by the S&S in a series of very unflattering reports about the criminal activities of his adult son while he was running for reelection. If you remember right, the senator was never implicated in any wrongdoing, but the S&S saw fit to ignore that – until late in the article that is.

I want to know what Al Franken thinks about the scandal brewing around him employer – and I shouldn’t have to listen to his show to hear it.

Bottom line: This is a story, and, potentially, a big one. Eventually the S&S and SPPD will have to admit to that and report it.

OPG: I'm Sorry, and I'm Hammered

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here is the latest dispatch from Obnoxious Packer Guy. Previous coverage by KAR and Nihilist in Golf Pants of OPG's confrontation with Bob Slowik are (in chronological order) here here here here here and here.


Dude. I'm here on location at the Up and Under Tavern on the East Side of Milwaukee. I'm on my 7th pitcher and feelin' fine.

LKFMSMFvcvc ,fcvdas./zflf;dlgfdsgk/;dlksaGgfggggggggggggggggggggggggggg


I had to return home because the fine proprietor of Da Up-n-Under told me that she had been experiencing cash-flow problems since I left. Being the charitable soul that I am, I immediately abandoned Camp McKenzie at the foot of Bob Slowik's lzdskvmldm

Sorry. Fell off my barstool.

Well, I've been here alone - save for Kowalski the bartender - since 10am, so I've had a little time to do some soul searching. This is somewhat hard for me to say, but here it goooooooooooooooooooooooooool,vcx cdas vasdv avva

Ahem, goes:

I'm sorry. I've been an ass. For me to use the pants-soiling of my young daughter in an attempt to humiliate an NFL coach is unforgivable. Sure, I have a right to speak my mind; but just because some right exists doesn't mean that said right ought to always be exercised. Especially in the cynical and crass way I did it.

I allowed myself to become manipulated by certain factions of the radical fringe of the far-flung Packer Nation. Most notably the "Houston Cabal" and the Svengali-like Packalope. I now realize that they used me to aVDS SVCZVCVD
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSBV Sbbbn fc dfn dng xnf nx
advance their own anti-Slowik agendas. I am above that, and should have respected my daughter's incontinence by not being taken in by them.

Again I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(Whoops, passed out for a moment there)


Now I must turn my attention to my true mission in life: informing anybody who'll listen that the Bears suck.

Out. srd gshtsr jnsmnshjnzath hmnyjndt

UPDATE: I just took another look at the Packalope's picture, and he looks an awful lot like Sisyphus...


UPDATE 2: The Bears suck.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Strib, Your Bias is Showing

You know that story about the emerging scandal over at Air "America" where that network got a loan from a pool of money intended to go to poor and disadvantaged kids? If you read the Strib, you probably don't. The Strib thought the story was so unimportant that it didn't even dedicate one of its own reporters to it, opting instead to use the copy that appeared in the NY Times (CAUTION: Link is to Power Line). I don't recall that the story ever appeared on the front page. I think it was on something like page A19 (can anybody tell me where that story appeared? It sure as hell wasn't on page 1).

In today's Strib - and you wouldn't know this unless you got the Dead Tree version - there are three stories that appear on page A1 (in the South Metro edition):

The Northwest Airlines mechanics strike. A bigtime local story, to be sure.

The obscene Vioxx verdict. OK, I can see that as a page one story.

[Here you should be mentally replaying that old Sesame Street song "One of These Things is Not Like the Other / One of These Things Doesn't Belong...")

Rush Limbaugh's and Sean Hannity's ratings are cratering in the Twin Cities market.

Written by Deborah Caulfield Rybak. Now where of I heard that name before...

Rybak (isn't she related a politician or something?) does manage to somewhat mask her glee while reporting:

Locally, conservative-talk icon Rush Limbaugh's show has lost 43 percent of its audience among 25- to 54-year-olds in the past year. Sean Hannity's show is down a whopping 63 percent. The shift is serious enough that "we're weighing where these shows fit for us in the future," according to Todd Fisher, general manager at KSTP (1500 AM), which carries both syndicated programs.

Is this news? You bet. Page one news? Only if you are talking about the front page of the Variety section; ya' know the part of the paper that is dedicated to covering stories about local media and entertainment. Hell, at best, it's a page 3 story in the Metro section.

IS it that slow of a news cycle that the Strib has to bump features from the Variety section to the front friggin' news page?

Isn't there something historic going on in Israel right now? And what? Didn't any servicemen die in Iraq yesterday?

Isn't Air America being sued for something like $2.5 million? And aren't they involved in a financial scandal that the big city dailies found to be irresistible page one fodder for the last 5 years?

Oh that right wing media.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Rebuking Bill Maher Isn't All That Hard

...It's kind of like playing Trivial Pursuit against a retarded child.

But Mitch Berg - not one to back away from a slam dunk - does so to one of Maher's more famous brain turds.

Pffft. I can do better than that. I can take down just about anything that has dribbled out of that little twerp's "brain".

To hear Maher talk, one gets the impression that he thinks he is the smartest guy that ever trod this earthly coil. Yet nobody with an IQ that can compete favorably with a french fry would ever - EVER - think that this movie was so good that he'd want to be a part of it. Or this one. Or this one.

...Or this one.


Colleen Rowley for Congress

The former FBI agent, Time co-person of the year and, seeker of anonymity, was on Rosenbaum and O’Connell today on KSTP-AM 1500. A caller asked a three part question:

Do you agree with Cindy Sheehan that President Bush is the world’s biggest terrorist?
Do you agree with her statement the Israel should get out of Palestine?
Do you agree that it was an Israeli cabal that got the US into Iraq?

The response to each began with, “I wouldn’t choose those words…”

Oh, really. Tell me, Colleen, what words would you choose?

For a recent arrival on the political scene, she sure has picked up on one of the great tricks. To the untrained ear, it seems as though Ms. Rowley is disagreeing with Sheehan’s statements, but we know better. Don’t we KAR loyalists?

The would-be congress chick is actually saying, “Damn right I agree with Cindy, but I sure as hell can’t say that or my run for Congress will never get out of the gate.”

Either you agree with the Sheehan or you don’t. God, I hate it when people don’t answer a simple yes or no question with one of those two options.

You, Colleen, have just crossed over into the realm of a disingenuous politician who is more concerned with getting and keeping power than being truthful with your, in this case, potential constituents.

If you had provided a mealy-mouthed answer like that to a superior at the FBI, they would have dressed you down in front of whomever what around.

Try as you might this little sojourn will dog you through the 2006 election. You simply cannot attach yourself to the Sheehan Express as it goes off the cliff and expect to escape unscathed.

Have fun at Camp Casey, Colleen.

Moron Sioux Mail

Wow, the intellect:

Easy when it's not you

The controversy over the NCAA ruling on nicknames alluding to Native Americans is very simply resolved.

Simply change the names of the teams to things like the Honkies, Whining Yuppies or the White Trash, and design cartoony logos depicting prissy, uptight or fat, sloppy Caucasians, and see if we still get people carping about "P.C. run amok."

You'll probably find that those who make the most disparaging remarks about political correctness do the loudest squawking when their own toes get stepped on.

K3v!n Daws0^,
Long Pond, Pa

I will pause a moment to allow readers to soak in this blindingly lucid logic.

OK. The premise here seems to be that "Fighting Sioux" is an insult on par with "white trash".

Because collegiate sports teams want to emulate the worst, the weakest, the most ignoble of society in the arena of competition.

So universities that carry Indian nicknames are actually deprecating themselves.

I wonder what anyone of Sioux or Seminole descent thinks of that:

"Fighting Sioux" = "White Trash"


I wonder what the equivalent of "Fighting Irish" is? "Effete Wiener", perhaps?

Bizarro Foot?

I read the "editor's notes" to this post this morning, and besides laughing my (firm yet supple) ass off, I got a strange feeling:

NOTE: We here at C[lever] P[easantry] do not apologize to the residents of Hastings, Eagan, or Eden Prairie. We graduated H.S. from Bloomington Kennedy and we think you're nuts...with your fancy gyms, outside district recruiting, and overprivileged children.

Bite us. Bite us and our crappy sports teams.

NOTE TO NOTE: CP played in many a losing BK sporting event.

NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE: You may have noticed some bitterness in the post.

NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE: CP deals with the bitterness by taking his rich neighbor's 13-year old, Holy Angels attending, 120 pound child to school on a 8-foot b-ball rim.

NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE TO NOTE: CP brings the funk on the two hand dunk.

This sounds like something I would write! But haven't. Although I have had the following haiku rattling around in my head for a while, but haven't found the appropriate time to publish it:

School is in session
"D" me up you little bitch
And I'll dunk on you.

What's stranger: CP's a lefty blog.

Is cleversponge my Bizarro World counterpart? Am I his?

And if so, does he write his haikus in a 7-5-7 pattern. Or is the Bizarro World version of haiku a sonnet?


Thursday, August 18, 2005

Big Tobacco is at it again

Here come the lovers of the nanny state, asking “Big Government” to counter the actions of “Big Tobacco” for (legally) advertising it’s product.

The sanctimony that drips from this editorial is almost enough to make me vomit the partially ingested pork loin I ate for lunch. Not to mention the salad.

Have you ever seen lettuce in vomit? It’s really rather disgusting. One might even say, “Off-putting.” I saw lettuce-laced vomit just once and, I gotta tell ya, I couldn’t finish my own meal.

The fact that the vomit landed on my plate certainly played a role in my sudden loss of appetite, but I could have salvaged some of the chunks, my food not the vomit (although some of the vomit wasn’t so digested as to render it inedible), but decided I’d rather…humph…have another…humph…humph…I gotta…humph…go…I think I’m…humph…gonna....


OPG to Sisyphus: "Let Me F***ing Exploit My F***ing Grief in Peace, You F***ing Fascist. Oh, Wait. Never Mind."

EDITOR'S NOTE: What follows is OPG's response to the distastefully scurrilous attack upon this poor, grieving fellow by a member of the Vikings Fan Daisy Chain Noise Machine.

And for the record, contrary to Sisyphus' assertion, KAR is biased against nothing, save for stupidity and all things Viking-related (which is often the same thing). What follows are the words of Obnoxious Packer Fan.


Let me begin by saying that I shouldn't even dignify an unprovoked rhetorical assault on a grieving Packer fan with a response. Such classless behavior is to be ignored rather than encouraged.

But then I thought that this Vikings neo-fan, while gloating about a single playoff victory by his beloved Vikings last year - which resulted in nothing better for the Vikes than a lower draft pick - really merits a sanctimonious and insulting response. Sure, I could go into how his team one year went 15 and 1 while failing to make it to the Super Bowl; or how that same franchise has been to four Super Bowls in its history and never once, in any of them, had the lead.

I like to call it "Packers Envy".

But I won't stoop so low. I will try to show some class, and merely address this neo-fan Sisyphus' allegations.

FIRST. I am sure there is a picture of me out there somewhere showing me kissing Bob Slowik on the cheek. So what? I'm an obnoxious Packer fan. I kiss Packers whenever I get the chance. It is what I do. I have the restraining orders to prove it.

SECOND. I did once say that Slowik was "a great defensive mind". I was told that by both Mike Sherman and a Packers website. I always believe everything I read or hear from those sources. Besides, what I said before Slowik's suckiness became apparent is irrelevant. He waged a "nuclear war" of ill feeling and shitty defense in Green Bay, and should be called to account for it.

(Hmmm. "He waged a nuclear war of...." What a stupid, reality-impaired and unhinged thing to say. I wonder where I got that idea from.)

Do I sound righteously indignant? You bet I am.

THIRD: "Bates laid an egg as Defensive Coordinator and Interim Head Coach of the pathetic Miami Dolphins"

Uh. No. As head coach, Bates tripled the win total of his predecessor. Bates' predecessor, Dave Wannstedt, went 1-8. Bates went a respectable 3 and 4 with the same steaming turd of a team. Keep in mind the situation he inherited: 1) the Dolphins' star running back abandoned his team for the bong; 2) Star receiver David Boston got hurt and then failed a steroid test; 3) Their tight end got arrested. Still Bates managed to beat the eventual Super Bowl champs.

And if you look at the numbers, you'll see that Bates' defense really wasn't the Fins' problem. In fact, the team's defensive stats sagged once Bates was distracted by his head coaching duties.

Plus he's been a DC for 15 years. You don't have that long of a career if you suck.

FOURTH: Oh crap! I'm out of beer!



Er, I think Slowik has gotten my point. I'm going home. Time to abandon "Camp McKenzie".

My next report will be from some tavern on the north side of Milwaukee. Until then: peace, out.

And: the Bears suck.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Can't Make It Up

Over on OSL's blog, a quote from make-believe radio personalty Wendy Wild:
[Michele Bachmann] really did take a personal video camera on a metro light rail train and secretly videotape citizens riding... then played the tape for the Senate and accused people of stealing rides because she didn't see them buy a ticket.
OSL's response:
Yup, fact is stranger than fiction with Michele Bachmann
This from a person who's gotten four months of mileage out of a grainy picture of a woman sitting on a curb.

Yep. Truth is strange.

Reaction to OPG's Vigil

This would have qualified for Moron Mail, if only I knew what this guy was talking about:

Frederick Kagan's Aug. 15 commentary "Keep the troops in Iraq so we can finish the victory" shows that his head is in the sand.

He claims that "the insurgents in Iraq are not able to undertake militarily meaningful attacks on U.S. troops." Tell that to Cindy Sheehan and the other 1,800-plus mothers of fallen Americans.

J0e Cr@ven, E@g@n

Cindy who?

Well, I'm not informed enough about this Cindy person, so instead I'd like to share some of the voluminous comments KAR has received regarding our occasional guest blogger Obnoxious Packer Guy's protest at the end of Bob Slowik's driveway:

* What the hell is this moron doing? Doesn't he have a job? Does he honestly think he's more important or has something more valid to say than all those other suffering Packer fans? -Ted

* What a grandstanding jerk! I think that it is abominably cynical to use a family tragedy like a scared three year old wetting herself to stiffle the voices of those who think he is wrong, and to club a coach who was only trying to do the right thing by making the Packers' defense better. -Biff

* I feel sorry for OPG's family. - Trish

* Hey! OPG! Get a life! -Phil

* This attention monger's 15 minutes are up in 5...4...3... - Fred

* Typical Packer fan: Always going for the well-crafted publicity-mining spectacle rather than actually thinking about sound defensive strategies. - Bob

* Sheesh! Next you'll be telling me that Michael Moore is taking up his cause! -Frances


I bet they're all Vikings fans.

Headlines From 2015

Since KAR is the only blog to have a crystal ball, we like to peer into the future from time to time ("time to time" being defined as once every 10 months) and see what the big news stories will be.

Today we look to 2015, and explore the big news that Power Line will cover in 2017:

Cities 97 FM Begins 10th Year of Marc Cohn Tribute
Only song local station has played since 2005 is "Walking in Memphis"


Florida State Wins College Football National Championship
Pink Hearts defeat the UCLA Blue Moons 27-21


Maureen Dowd First Woman to Take Revolutionary Penis-Growing Drug
NY columnist declares: "This is my ticket to a happy life!"


Network's CEO hails latest revenue-raising strategy as "Smashing success"


NCAA Bans Lucky Charms Derived Nicknames


Freakishly Fertile Newspaper Columnist Sires 1,000th Child


Kentucky Triangles Defeat NC State Dodecahedrons to Take Men's Basketball Championship


NCAA Bans Polygonic Nicknames


Hungry Minnesota blogger suspected in feeding frenzy


NCAA Sues NIT for Antitrust Violations
Cites NIT policy of "letting tournament invitees use whatever nickname they want" as anticompetitive practice.


Giant Lizard Stalks Tokyo!


Space Shuttle Pinto Lands Successfully, Explodes on Tarmac


In Fit of Confusion, NCAA Accidentally Bans Self

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Carnal Kool Aid

That long wedding is finally over (it was a Catholic wedding). The reception has ended. The open bar tab has been paid. Several bridesmaids have been debauched. The Happy Couple has retired to their suite for a triple-X throwdown.

Let's give them some privacy: don't look at the header. But if you must...

OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY INTERRUPTS: I forgot to mention before: The Bears suck!

You Down Wit' OPG? (Yeah, You Know Me)

NOTE: Today KAR is proud to introduce the premiere posting of our special guest blogger Obnoxious Packer Guy. We expect that OPG will be making frequent contributions (via LearnedFoot) throughout the coming NFL football season.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: OPG was supposed to post something last Friday, to follow the Packers' first preseason game. Unfortunately, he was incredibly drunk. He has now sobered up to the point where he is somewhat able to manipulate a keyboard.

What follows is the beer-soaked pigskin wisdom of Obnoxious Packer Guy:


This is Obnoxious Packer guy here on location at the end of Bob Slowik's driveway. I have been holding a vigil here for five days now to demand that Slowik, the former Packers defensive coordinator, meet with me and answer some questions. Slowik's one-year term as defensive coordinator was an absolute and unmitigated disaster. As a result, the Packers defense has worsened, and millions of our best and brightest - Packer fans across the country - are suffering.

My questions are simple, and Packer fans everywhere deserve to have them answered:

I want to know what the hell he did to piss off all-pro cornerback Mike McKenzie so bad, that he refused to play and demand to be traded.

I want to know why he thought it would be a good idea to frequently blitz two linebackers, both safeties, a cornerback and four or five guys off the bench on second down?

I want to know why, when he did blitz all those people, none of them ever made it to the cornerback.

Hang on a sec - there's some cars coming, so I need to lead a chant:

Slowik led
McKenzie fled!

Slowik led
McKenzie fled!

I would like Slowik to tell me how he fooled all those Packers defenders into thinking that his bizarre blitzing scheme was actually the next incarnation of the fabled "Steel Curtain". He had everybody so fooled that even Darren Sharper remarked during last season's training camp: "I dare any offensive team to throw the ball at our secondary now. I double-dare them. I quadruple-dare them to test us as a secondary."

Well, other teams did take Darren up on his dare. The carnage wasn't pretty.

Here come some bicyclists. Need to start another chant:

Hey hey Bob Slow-uk
How much does your defense suck?!

Why me? Why do I lead this crusade? Because I am a victim.

One game last season - I don't remember against whom - when the opposing team's offense lined up, it was clear that they were going to run a y rip 32 weak trap. The same play they'd run to great success 14 previous times that game -

What's that? What's a "y rip 32 weak trap" you ask?

That's a run play where the slot receiver goes in motion to the right, the left tackle chip-blocks his defensive end, and goes out to block the will linebacker. Meanwhile the right guard pulls and blindsides the defensive end that is coming free causing a big hole to open on the weakside through which the halfback may run.

I'll translate for Vikings fans: the quarterback hands the oblong brown thing to the guy lined up behind him, the large men in front of the quarterback do some neat blocking tricks and -

Oh, hell. Here's a picture.

Anyway, it was clear that the other team was going to run this play again. The announcers in the booth saw it. Little old ladies in nursing homes saw it. My son, still in utero, saw it. I saw it.

Bob Slowik didn't see it.

He blitzed the entire team over the strong side, yielding a touchdown.

I screamed and jumped up and down and generally threw a fit. My daughter was so scared, she started sobbing and made a pee pee in her pants.

Bob Slowik traumatized my daughter.

And now he must answer to me. And he must answer to all Packer fans who have preschoolers with soiled undergarments because of his ill-conceived blitz packages.

Oh, here come some pedestrians:

Offense, defense special teams
Bob Slowik runs crappy schemes!

So here I sit, beer in each hand, waiting for Slowik to come down from on high and comfort me. I am not holding my breath.

Someone told me the other day that he was "watching films". So, this jerk has time to watch movies, but he can't come down his driveway and comfort a heartbroken Packer fan? What a jerk.

Oh, sure: he may have been watching game or practice films for preparation in his new job as defensive backs coach for the Broncos. I don't buy it. When Slowik was in Green Bay, it was painfully obvious that he never watched any game films. Why would he start now?

I'm still waiting...

There's a rainbow off to the east - God's sign of hope. Perhaps the Big Guy is talking about the Pack's new DC, Jim Bates. Perhaps Packer Nation will be able to get on with its life.


This has been Obnoxious Packer Guy, reporting live from Bob Slowik's driveway.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Out Of Air America Minnesota

I’ve been to the web site and, wow, this is an organization on the move. Just check out the WEMUSINGS (all caps is amateur) as compiled by “your humble webmaster.”

I know most of you won’t click on the link, so let me give you a summary of what you would find:

· The comedy stylings of Will Durst are first on our stop. According to WEBMUSINGS (emphasis mine), “Mr. Durst shares his thoughts when the spirit moves him (usually about once a week), so check back often for new Durst Diatribes.” [The last submission was on June 23. If Will’s getting paid, he owes OOAAM for 7 weeks of work. Where are you, Will? Where’s the funny stuff? Have you run out of material the same way the Left has run out of ideas?]

· Next is the Nanocelebrity Theatre. The initial installment, dated February 26, 2005 is the only installment. The reason is quite obvious if you read the reason for the existence of this lame piece of cyber-crap: “If you ever helped an Air America host, do tell! Click on the Nanocelebrity Theatre star for details.” [you read right, if you've ever helped a host you have to let the people know, because the host certainly will not. Remember, in the world of the Socialist everything is community property]

· Then there’s the Webmasters’ Favorites. As if anyone gives a flying fart what this numb-nuts thinks is cool, he (I'm assuming gender) has given us a list of his favorite sites. In this case, however, there is but one listed: We Are Not Afraid. [That's it, millions and millions of sites out there and Chuckles the webmaster can only come up with one. The Kerry/Edwards site must have been taken down.]

It all makes sense; brainless programming and a worthless website go together like Boones Farm wine and Velveeta processed cheese food.

The webmaster calls himself “humble”, and for good reason. This guy must have gotten the job because he can spell Java Script and knows what the acronym HTML means.

The description of WEBMUSINGS sets the expectation that the material will be frequently updated, that one will want to check back often for new fun and exciting material. What a disappointment – kinda like the programming at OOAAM.

The NARN guys (radio monopolists that they are) refer to this train wreck as amateur radio.

I think that’s demeaning to amateur radio people everywhere.
Look for things to get better late this fall after OOAA management hits up Jerry's Kids for a loan. I'm betting the applicaiton will be filed shortly after Labor Day.

KAR Will No Longer Carry The LearnedFoot Super Quiz

A little over a week ago, the Strib scrapped the popular "Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz" from its comics page. The decision drew fire from goldbrick do-nothing low-level employees everywhere and from the Nihilist in Golf Pants. The Nihilist, heretofore not offended by the mind-numbingly offensive stances the Strib's editorial page often takes (though always content to complain about it), finally pulled the trigger and cancelled his subscription.

It now appears that it was all a clever gambit by the Strib to induce the Nihilist to cancel. My theory is that without the withering scrutiny the Nihilist imposes, the Strib is free to print even stupider and more offensive crap (see e.g., Syl Jones' latest steaming turd - insanely stupid even by Syl Jones standards.)

Now free from the specter of Nihilist's blogospheric wrath, the Strib now feels it is safe to run the Super Quiz once more. Given that there is often a disconnect between what people say and what they are really thinking in order to avoid undue conflict, I will include in brackets what the Strib's features editor really wanted to say, but couldn't, because of editorial decorum:

You've [Nihilist has] called. You've [Nihilist has] written. You've [Nihilist has] threatened, insulted and begged. We've heard. You like some of our changes, but not all.

Beginning Aug. 22, [Since we've finally gotten that annoying blogger off of our case] look for the following: Monday through Friday, we'll run both the bridge column and the Isaac Asimov Super Quiz. We also are glad [that Nihilist is no longer a subscriber, and] you're enjoying the addition of Sudoku, and we'll be increasing the grid size [as well as the stupidity gradient on the opinion pages.]

Thank you for your feedback, comments and praise. This was a wonderful reminder of what great readers we have [now that Nihilist no longer counts himself among them].

Dear Left Wing Fraud Machine: Please Get Help!

Dear Sociopathic Dingleberries:

I apologize for not being in touch lately. I've been "off the reservation" for some time. As I am sure you are aware, fabricating fake controversies can be quite time-consuming. Rumor has it that Power Line actually got to today's topic a week ago.

Geez, I am slipping.

Anyhoo, Alert Reader and Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo pointed me to this alarming report from the American Center for Voting Rights.

The press release linked above features this statement, summing up your disingenuity quite well (emphasis mine):

The ACVR Legislative Fund report, "Vote Fraud, Intimidation & Suppression In The 2004 Presidential Election," finds that while Democrats routinely accuse Republicans of voter intimidation and suppression, neither party has a clean record on the issue. The report finds that paid Democrat operatives were far more involved in voter intimidation and suppression activities than were their Republican counterparts during the 2004 presidential election. Examples include paid Democrat operatives charged with slashing tires on GOP get-out-the-vote vans in Milwaukee and an Ohio court order stopping Democrat operatives from calling voters telling them the wrong date for the election and faulty polling place information.

Yikes! Pretty unequivocal! You can read the whole report here.

Oh, I know: you're saying to yourselves that the ACVR is a partisan Republican activist group hiding behind the term "nopartisanan" to lend itself cred....

...until you read that the chairman of ACVR's board was at one time the Executive Director of the DNC who began his political career in Jimmy Carter's 1976 presidential campaign. That kinda defeats your popular tactic of assailing a detractor's cred rather than dealing with the detractor's charge.

I'm sure that you are also muttering frustratingly to yourselves something about how the report also details Republican acts of intimidation and suppression.

Well, ya' got me there.

Although those sorts of things have been going on for time immemorial; on both sides.

And the report also states that the shenanigans perpetrated by Republicans were far outstripped by those by Democrats.

Oh, and I can name no Republican that cried "SUPPRESSION! DISENFRANCHISEMENT!" before the polls even opened like a lot of you folks did.

And that doesn't even take into account all the acts of straight up ballot box stuffing that you crapweasels got away with.

As it turns out, the Milwaukee Jenitel has peeled another layer off the onion and discovered yet another innovative method you wankers used to artificially inflate Kerry's totals. You can read about it here, or wait until Power Line gets around to it next month.

All of this indicates to me that you folks should really find a good shrink. Projection is one of the most primitive defense mechanisms the brain employs - second only to denial. Perhaps a good psychiatrist could get into your primitive minds, root around for a while and get to the nub of your problem. Hell, maybe the shrink might even find a fresh idea while he's in there.

I wouldn't bet the farm on it though.

Yours in Seething White-Hot Spite,


Friday, August 12, 2005

Is It Really Possible That Someone Can Be This Stupid?

OSL showing the tight logical reasoning she has become famous for:

Mitch, I am skeptical of that email because it's rather odd that the person would have waited 3 months to send an email about this.

Well, er, if OSL had have read the e-mail...

Especially the parts that say:

I saw your piece on the Sixth District [published last week -ed.] and followed some of your links.

and (emphasis mine):

In the last day I've read some of the coverage of this incident in some of the other "blogs" (Dump Bachmann, Eleventh Street, New Patriot, Kool-Aid, Shot In The Dark)...

Ya' know, maybe - just maybe - Angie the e-mailer wasn't reading any blogs that were talking about Bachmann "hiding" in bushes back in April. Maybe - and I realize this might be a stretch for certian tunnel-visioned self-promoting slime merchants - Angie saw the Head's "Disappointed" post, followed the links, rooted through some archives, and pieced the story together.

Naaaaaaaaaaaaw. Couldn't be, since everybody has been reading OSL's blog from the very beginning!

Silly me. Just never mind that I said anything.

Oh, and one other thing:

Secondly, the Kool Aid Report has posted fake comments on their site...

Uh, no. I will from time to time modify comments from the drooling morons that OSL points over here. But if OSL is talking about the commenter known as "anevafan": KAR has nothing to do with that. We actually think "anevafan" is a legitimate (as far as that term can go to describe OSL's ilk) Dumpster.

Not that anything I write would matter to her anyway. Hell she probably doesn't even read it.

Proof positive that racism is dead

The great Sandy Stephens ticket flap is proof positive that racism is dead and buried, at least in Minnesota.

For those who might have missed it, the UofM decided to honor it’s greatest football players by printing faces and names on the tickets for each 2005 home game. Unfortunately, everyone who saw the ticket featuring Sandy Stephens failed to notice that his last name was misspelled, Stevens.

Idiotic, to be sure, but an illustration of racism?

According Mahmoud El-Kati, a retired Macalester College professor, it sure is:

"I can see black people being upset about that because it's who we are and what we are and where we are; that's the way it's always been," El-Kati said. "You can take Sandy Stephens and multiply the slight 1,000 times because of the general insensitivity toward African-Americans in society…My God, how do you misspell Sandy Stephens?"

This is the most insanely ridiculous piece of crap statement I’ve ever heard. To take a simple misspelling and turn it into a case of racism is proof positive that racism in Minnesota is dead.

If this is the best example El-Kati can come up with to illustrate that racism runs rampant through the state and country, he has too damned much time on his hands.

I know what our friends on the Left will say: “Even if it’s perceived racism, man, it’s still real. Everyone knows perception is reality, man.”

Oh shut the hell up. Perception is perception and reality is reality. Some times they are one in the same and sometimes not. In this case it’s not.

If El-Kati continues down this road I want him to produce proof – real proof, not perceived proof – that someone, make that everyone, who had a hand in proofreading the tickets purposefully misspelled Stephens’ name because he was black. Then I want him to explain why Carl Eller’s name was spelled correctly.

Last time I checked he is also black.

That was my perception, at least.

Conveniently Shifting Degrees of Skepticism

The story so far (just root through the past week's posts - No time for links):

I called Obsessive-Stalker-Loser (OSL) a self-important ninny for making an absurd blog posting that was written like (and was intended to be) a press release.

She responded that I was envious of all her traffic (and I still don't get the connection between my imagined envy and her hubris. But then if you've ever followed her droppings around the internet you'd know that she has a PhD in Cognitive Dissonance).

I pointed out via her site meter, that her stats were nothing to be envious about.

She asserted that I was bad at math since apparently the number "134" means "5479" on her planet.

Then she password protected her site meter.

KAR then began the Great Fake Internal Conflagration of '05. OSL bought it hook, line, sinker, pole, fisherman and boat, and used it to pillory Bill Dementee and me as being narrow minded party hacks.

Then KAR received the e-mail from Angie, and published her observations.

Meanwhile in Cleveland, Dementee got drunk and proposed a hostile takeover of NARN.

OSL immediately proclaimed Angie's e-mail to be a fake and hypothesized that it came from a staffer of Bachmann's who is also named "Angie". As everybody knows, there are only 4 or 5 people in the entire state with that name.

So lets break it down:

* Site meter says that her blog gets mediocre traffic: OSL is incredulous.

* KAR stages a meltdown that she can use to make us (mostly me) look bad: OSL buys it without further question.

* KAR receives an e-mail that pretty much let's the air out of one of her blog's two tricks: OSL is not only skeptical, she proclaims it a fake; offering no evidence to back that assertion.

Do you see a pattern here?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Things Other Than Obscure Stats that Make Baseball Great...

...Like National Treasure Bob Uecker, the Milwaukee Brewers radio announcer. And his sidekick Jim Powell ain't half bad either.

During the postgame show yesterday, Uke and Powell found themselves with one last segment of airtime, and nothing else to say (paraphrased closely from memory):

Uke: You are listening to Brewers gameday on the Brewers Radio Network. Ben Sheets and the crew loosing a tough one today, three to nothing.


Uke: The Brew Crew has the day off tomorrow. So they won't be here. Jim and I will be here, practice if ya' wanna come down to the park and - I dunno - run the bases or something - we'd appreciate it.


Uke: What are you doing tomorow Jim?

Jim: Absolutely nothing.

Uke: That's great.


Jim: Well, I do have to wash your boat.

Uke: Oh yeah! You take care of that, buddy. It's sitting in about 6 feet of dirty water. I should probably use it sometime...

Jim: Yeah


Uke: Well, so long everybody...

Nonmonkey's Inanity Stands the Test of Time

As much as I'd like to pile on pursuant to this, I wouldn't be fulfilling my blogging duties if I didn't mention the following.

Back in KAR's infancy, I had my first opportunity to fisk a Nonmonkey column. It was a truly revolting piece, replete with spittle-flecked invective, and nary a coherent thought to be found. You'll note in that piece (no longer available on the online version of the Strib), that before Nonmonkey discovered bloggers, he used e-mailers to angry up his blood.

The part of that brain turd with which I had the most fun, was this:

You sent me a ton of angry mail, Red: letters giving me "a one-fingered salute," telling me the '60s are over, that I should shut my cake-hole, and sending me a map of the country that seems overwhelmingly red. Until you study it closely while thinking about where you'd like to go on vacation someday. Do that and you discover that all the places you want to visit are blue.

I was incredulous that NM - the guy who knows stuff - had never heard of all the popular vacation destinations in Florida, North and South Carolina, Texas, Nevada (you know: the state that Las Vegas is in), Arizona, Colorado, Montana... cetera.


This came to my attention via Drudge today: the top five most liberal cities in America.

Now surely on NM's planet, since the "red" states are so backwards, dumpy and rundown that nobody - NOBODY - would ever want to visit them, the "bluest" cities in the country must be the pinnacle of urban living; the most desirable places to live; the Shangri-est of American Shangri Las. Right?

Let's look at the list:

The fifth most liberal city: Oakland, California...

The bastard child of the bay area.

The fourth most liberal city: Washington D.C.

"The bitch set me up!" (And that quote was from the city's one-time mayor.)

The third most liberal city: Berkeley

A disappointing showing for this moonbat paradise. I can't speak to the niceness of the city since I've never been there, but I do know that the Bay Area (save for Oak-town) is quite nice. I'll give this city the benefit of the doubt. It better serves as the exception that proves the rule.

The second most liberal city: Gary, Indiana.

I know that there is more than one of you out there that snickered at the mere sight of the name "Gary, Indiana". It's a common reaction to the city that's most frequently used as the punchline of a joke.

If you've ever been to Gary, you already know what the song "Purple Haze" was really about.

And the most liberal city in America is:


[The gathered audience murmurs to itself: "oh, it's got to be someplace nice"]

Detroit, Michigan.

The city where the most common friendly greeting is "I'm gonna bust a cap in yer ass".

There. Now that Nonmonkey has a guide to where the most enlightened voters live, I'll bet he's already shopping for homes in one of those five bestest municipalities in the country. I'm sure will be seeing the tail lights on the moving van soon. It's not like he has to do a daily radio show anymore.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Unintended Consequences

Learned Foot spilled the beans, such as they are, on what's been going on.

But as he mentioned, sometimes the unintended consequences are the best part.

Foot forwarded me this email earlier today, sent to the KAR email address. It's from "Angie" in Burnsville; she asked us to withhold her full name and address:
I saw your piece on the Sixth District and followed some of your links. And I was amused to see a photo of Senator Bachmann supposedly "spying" on a rally at the capitol last spring.

I was there, and if anyone thinks that she was "spying" they are mistaken.

I remember that day. I was downtown taking care of some business at the Department of Revenue building. I was walking past the Capitol, noticed a rally, and saw Senator Bachmann sitting on the curb. I know the Senator, I've seen her at events around Stillwater before. She's my mother's Senator. She looked like she was sitting and messing with her shoes. But ther'es no way she could have been spying, since she faced away from the rally. She looked like her feet were bothering her. I know that feeling!

In the last day I've read some of the coverage of this incident in some of the other "blogs" (Dump Bachmann, Eleventh Street, New Patriot, Kool-Aid, Shot In The Dark) and I'm astounded that anyone would look at the photo and at the scene I saw and call it "spying through the bushes" or whatever. I wonder if any of them were there, or saw what I saw, and remained silent about it? It makes no sense to me. It seems wrong.
Koolaidsters? Looks like there might be two sides to this story!

As far as my evaluation of the Sixth District GOP candidates goes, I might have to revisit things.