Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Super-Secret Photoshop Contest!

And I want you to be as scurrilous, petulant and insulting as possible (but not anything that'll get you sued).

Anyhoo, if you want some idea of what it might be about, read this post first. You should be able to figure it out.

E-mail me if you would like to participate (Swiftee - this is right up yor alley baby). I will send you instructions and the picture(s) to use.

Many are called, but few will be chosen. Well, more than a few. Perhaps a gaggle.

And I, For One, Welcome Our New Expensively Educated Overlords

I'd like to remind them that as a trusted Minnesota personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their property taxpayer money mines.

[A puzzled KARNation cries out together, "What the hell are you talking about???"]

Oh, I'm just following up on the recently-passed ISD 196 levy referenda.

If you are a taxpayer in this district who will be taking out a second mortgage to pay your steeply increased property taxes from next year forward, you may not want to read this. However, if you feel you have the stomach for this, I still strongly suggest that you duct tape your head, because it will explode. I'll wait.


District 196 has been noteworthy over the past few years because of the following:

1) It is the absolutely BEST school district in the entire universe. Period. This is always the first and last thing that leaves any 196 employee's or board member's mouth. Also, take a look at the real estate listings for South Metro properties. Note how many of them say something like "Desirable 196 schools!" There are several variations on this, but they almost always use an exclamation point.

2) The district is WOEFULLY underfunded. The School board has done a stalwart job of doing "more" with "less". It just scraped by for the longest time, and was quickly approaching mass teacher layoffs and limited bussing. And yet it has maintained the BEST darn schools in the universe.

3) The district has $30 million in reserves.

Well, the three separate levies all passed, due in no small part to the meager off-year election turnout. And now we have the projected revenue numbers for 2006 as affected by those levies.

Keep in mind: this is the best damn school district in the universe.

196 residents: one more warning. This will make your head explode.

Stop reading now while you still can.

OK. You've been warned.

Figures were found here.

The district's tax revenue from 2005: $51,988,792.

The tax revenue for 2006 (really: look away now): $75,759,414.

An increase of almost $24 million.

An increase of...

45.7 per cent.



With flatline growth in enrollment!!!!!

Which brings us to the title of this post.

If 196 was doing such a fine job of educating the youth of Apple Valley, Eagan and Rosemount before the levy increase, then I expect the little buggers to be moving objects with their minds by the time they graduate now. I fully expect that the level of education the kiddies receive from a district with $24 farging million more to spend on their education than last year will catapult each and every single one of them into Harvard or Yale (or Notre Dame for the dimmer ones) on a full ride scholarship, where they will learn quantum physics or Germanic philology that will enable them to become a superior uber-class that will rule the world and solve all its problems.

Because the better the funding, the better the education, right?

Please excuse me now.



Oh My...

...Aren't we full of piss and vinegar today. Who knew that Dementee's PiPress Moron Mail beat would yield a stupider letter than its counterpart across the river?

Yostie must not be picking which letters to publish anymore. Oh well; that's the PiPress readers' loss and our gain.

Can someone help me?

Someone please explain the logic of this one from today’s SPPP:

Women's rights still at issue

I recently tried to co-sign a loan with my daughter for a used car she was buying. I'm a stay-at-home mom and have five joint accounts at this bank. I have done business with the bank for over a decade.

We were denied the loan, because I don't have an earned income. My husband had to be called in to co-sign the loan.

With all the talk about family values from the far right, who control the economy, banks and legislation, I find it interesting that they do not appreciate the value of stay-at-home mothers and make it impossible for us to access our own money. I thought we dealt with this in the '60s.


Wow, Susan, you truly are a freaking idiot. The ignorance your letter spews is stupefying.

Show me, please, where the “far right” made a law forbidding a bank from allowing a married woman from co-signing a loan because she is a stay-at-home-mom without an income of her own. You can’t, Susan, because it ain’t there you stupid, stupid woman.

Perhaps the loan officer was being kind by offering you a phony excuse rather than denying you the loan because you are an irrational lunatic.

It’s amazing what Lefties like you want to blame Righties for.

What else do you want to pin on the “far right”, genital warts, toe fungus, your three functioning brain cells?

Besides, everybody knows it’s the Jews who control the banks.

Moron Mail

I'm beginning to resent these gay activists because they force me to blog about religion, albeit tangentially. Lately, as noted in a post below that I'm too busy to link, they've turned their ire on the Pope's (hardly) new no-gay-priests policy.

And once again we find something of a parallax (look it up): those who are able to read, comprehend and understand the reality of the situation versus those whose perspective is obscured by their own biases (gay = good; Catholic = bad), and inability to engage in rational though or formulate any kind of coherent argument, forcing them into the last refuge of the imbecile - name calling:

No link to pedophilia

A Nov. 29 letter writer argues that the Vatican's goal in banning gay priests is "to provide the Catholic Church with priests of strong moral fiber who are unlikely to prey on those in their care."

It is hateful rhetoric like this that continues to support the lie that gay people are pedophiles. Gay men are no more prone to preying on children than straight men. In fact, it has been well documented that the majority of pedophiles are straight men.


Not one to let the facts get in the way, like most of these drooling morons who poop out such assininity, note how Mr. Fuzzybutt sets up his brickbat with the phrase "banning gay priests". This is a distortion. They are banning actively gay priests. Just like they ban actively heterosexual priests. Again if I were a liberal, I'd be shouting:


but that's name-calling also; so I'd be no better than Mr. Fuzzybutt. As you can tell, I am better than Mr. Fuzzybutt once we get into the second paragraph:

"It is hateful rhetoric like this..."

Hateful? This is hateful:

"to provide the Catholic Church with priests of strong moral fiber who are unlikely to prey on those in their care."

That's not hateful. This would be hateful:

"to provide the Catholic Church with non-butt-pirating priests of strong moral fiber and not homos who are likely to prey on those in their care in their effeminate, limp-wristed ways."

That's hateful. Anybody disagree? But nobody said that (including me. I use those slurs for illustrative purposes only. I don't think in such vile terms). And is "homo" a worse slur than labeling someone with whom you disagree a "hate-monger"? Seems to me they would inflict substantial, if disimilar damage to their intended targets.

He follows up with the lefty conceit:

"support the lie"

and supports it with this blistering logic:

"Gay men are no more prone to preying on children than straight men."

Well, he's probably right.

But out of all the people mentioned on the news that were molested by priests over the past few decades, how many of them were girls? Hmmmm, Mr. Fuzzybutt? And are you really trying to tell me it's merely a "pedophile" problem, and not a "gay pedophile" problem?

Get back to me on that one.

Open Thread for Discussion on Sisyphus' Open Thread

Because Sisyphus is never afraid to broach controversial topics and push the envelope of civic discourse, it occurs to me that some may want to comment on his comments. Also, there are some (*cough* Chad *cough*) who simply cannot restrain themselves from invading the bandwith that was dedicated to Sisyphus' sole discretion. Therefore, in the interests of a free and open dialogue, this thread is for discussion of Sisyphus' open thread.

Abusers will be banned. In the interests of free and open dialogue.

Lieberman missed the Iraq talking points meeting

Sen. Joseph Lieberman is refreshing. I am not just saying that because he thinks things are going well in Iraq. It is refreshing to hear a voice from the other side of the aisle that can take a first-hand look at the overall situation in Iraq and give a positive report about progress made and prospects for our success. He obviously was too busy to attend the meeting of other high-ranking Dems where the talking points were delineated: War-for-oil, quagmire, lies and betrayal, illegal occupation, Haliburton, etal; none of these terms were in evidence as Lieberman gave a thoughtful assessment of post-Saddam Iraq.

No, Lieberman was full of good tidings, and that will brand him as a fringe element in his party. Remember: The Democrats have positioned themselves so that good news for Iraq and the U.S. is bad news for them. The last thing they need is one of their own painting a rosy picture of things.

Yes, refreshing. It's refreshing to see a politician who I disagree with on nearly all of his positions and policy ideas, and yet have no doubt that he has the best interests of his country in mind when considering those positions. I actually thought the same thing about Sen. Wellstone. I don't think you could find one thing that we would agree on as far as how this country should be run, but I never had any doubt that Wellstone thought his way was the right way. And he didn't abandon his positions for political expediency.

We need more Liebermans.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Open Thread for Sisyphus

KAR is experiencing languid traffic today. Not that we KARnies are traffic whores like certain other porn posting Anti-Local Newspaper blogs out there. But we do need to keep our value up, should we ever decide to sell our interests in this blog.

And what's more, I got nothin' (although I am still waiting for a memo being prepared by my underlings, that will serve as the basis of my first official act as the MOB Attorney General). So therefore, without further ado, KAR is pleased to present...


Sisyphus only please.

Reductio ad Bullshitium

Whenever I hear lefties deride some "Right Wing Spin Machine" or some similar nonsense, it never fails to bring a hearty laugh. Oh sure, their appearances are pretty funny: faces contorted with rage and spittle flying. But what really gets my laugh flag flying is the unintended irony from their stable of mouthpieces. If you want a good example of what I'm talking about, see anything Molly Ivins has ever written ("There is a LOOMING Social Security CRISIS!! Oh wait. Now it's gone.")

And their condescending expectation that their readers are a gaggle of dimwits is as outrageous as their irony is funny. Here's today's example, that you can read in its entirety by following that link (not recommended), or you can read this convenient summary that the Strib kindly inserted next to it in a graphic box:


1985: "I am and always have been a conservative and an adherent to the same philosophical views that I believe are central to this administration."

2005: "I'm not an advocate; I don't give heed to my personal views."

Ooooooo - they got him there!!!

Actually no. They don't. It's bullshit propaganda in its simplest and basest form.

I'll return to that momentarily. But first, a quick observation that ought to be hammered back into the B.S. pile from which it sprang. The author goes on to highlight Alito's proclaimed "disagreements" with many Warren Court decisions. The author points out that the Warren Court expanded civil liberties to the greatest extent in the history of the court, and goes on to castigate Alito on that basis. What the author glosses over is that 1) Alito said he disagreed with some, not all, of the Courts decisions; and 2) the Warren Court didn't do a whole lot of good for the civil liberties of white males, voters, employers or unborn children.

But back to my main point. Does anybody see a problem in that 1985 / 2005 comparison above that may be only charitably described as "disingenuous" (i.e. if I were a liberal I would be shrieking LIE! loudly and repeatedly)?



Yes, you in the back.


Yes, you may go to the rest room. Anybody else?

OK. I'll give it to you: In 1985, Alito was a lawyer applying for an attorney position in the Reagan administration. That quote came from his application materials. In 2005 he is a judge, nominated to be a Supreme Court justice.

I see some blank faces. Particularly on those wearing Che t-shirts. I will elaborate.

And I will try to type slowly, so the Che people can understand this:

An ATTORNEY is SUPPOSED to be an A-D-V-O-C-A-T-E. In fact there is a rule of professional conduct that requires an A-T-T-O-R-N-E-Y to be a ZEALOUS A-D-V-O-C-A-T-E for his client. When applying for a job where you will be required to be a Z-E-A-L-O-U-S ADVOCATE, it would help your chances greatly if you somehow demonstrated that in your cover letter or resume'.

And now you can see the other side of the coin coming, even if you arrive there via reductio ad absurdium (and I realize that liberals may have a tough time with this, because it runs counter to their concept of what the Judicial branch does): a J-U-D-G-E is P-R-O-H-I-B-I-T-E-D from being an A-D-V-O-C-A-T-E.

So, with a little thinking and a little context, one can easily strip away the poop-colored varnish and see that the thinking behind this article could only have been borne out of 1) a lazy, hysterical and dyspeptic intellect; or 2) this whiffle-nuts is trying to fool you.

And I'll leave that to someone else. My work here is done.

Monday, November 28, 2005


OK kiddies, here are the rules. First read this:

Spokeswoman Kathy Arberg said a piece marble about one-foot square, from what was thought to be dentil molding at the top of the [Supreme Court] building, fell about 9:30 a.m. (1430 GMT). There was no one on the stairs at the time, a half hour before the opening of the court's session.

The marble was above the inscription near the top of the building saying, "Equal Justice Under Law" and above the allegorical figure representing "Order," one of nine sculptured figures on the pediment.

Your task: predict who will be the first lefty blogger or pundit who will turn this into a hackneyed metaphor, and when will it first appear. Predictions are welcome in the comments section.

Once you have made your call, monitor your "adopted" lefty blogger/ pundit. If s/he fulfills your prophesy, send me a link. Ties (i.e picking the same person) will be decided on a closest-in-time basis.

Winner will be featured (flatteringly) in a future KAR header.

OK. I will go first:

NonMonkey, on Friday. Assuming that he ever writes again.

Good luck.

Intestinal Turpitude

WARNING: The following post is disgusting.

Following two separate Thanksgiving feasts, I have come to realize that my body no longer processes turkey as well as it used to. How do I know? The farts.

Oh these are no ordinary farts. These post-turkey farts are some of the vilest, loudest and most powerful emanations that have ever emerged from my butt. While the the aroma is sickening, and the noise was impressive (think foghorn), the most notable characteristic of these turkey byproducts was the sheer volume of gas per fart (VPF). The price of natural gas actually dropped like a rock over the weekend pursuant to replenished, easily accessible supplies coming out of my butt. In bed with Mrs. Foot last night, her threats escalated quickly from banishing me to the couch, to divorce, to death.

They were B*A*D.

Have you ever farted when you were sleeping, and it was so loud you woke yourself up? That's nothing. I had one of those last night. Except it wasn't the sound that woke me up. What did wake me was the impact when a fart actually propelled me out of my bed and into a nearby wall.

And don't even get me started on the pooping.

Even though the gastric tribulations subsided sometime last night, I can still smell the pungent, sickening aroma.

Oh wait. That smell isn't my gas. It's a letter that came out of someone else's sphincter:

I'm so glad the Vatican has clarified this for us. Gays and lesbians actually have the ability to suddenly become straight just by thinking that they are -- over a period of time, of course.

I guess that means if I should become pregnant and suddenly feel like I don't want to be ... I won't be! Wow! What a concept!


Whooooweeeee! That's a ripe one! And it's been sitting around since yesterday.

The overwhelming stench [*cough*] prevents a full fisking [*cough*] (and frankly the inherent abortion snark she opens herself to is both too easy and too tragic), so let's just take a look at the article that Ms. Beefer refers to:

Reiterating its stand against sexually active gays in the priesthood, the Vatican also says in a new document that men with "transitory'' homosexuality must have overcome their sexual tendencies for at least three years before entering the clergy.

Let's do a quick remedial reading lesson here, before I have to run off to the john.

Note the juxtaposition of the first two sentences there. First, it tells us the Vatican reiterates its stand against sexually active gay priests; which is not really earthshattering news, since it also prohibits sexually active heterosexual priests - y'know: that vow of celibacy they all must take. It then goes on to tell us that the Vatican will allow something called "transitory" gays in after 3 years of non-gayness.

It doesn't say "all gay men."

Just "transitory" ones.

It never said anything about all gay people overcoming their gayitude.

And it was only in regard to qualifications for priesthood - not something that Beefer probably wouldn't give a turkey fart about anyway. Unless, of course, it touches on one of her pet causes.

About which, thankfully, the Vatican doesn't give a flying turkey fart.

But Ms. Beefer has to ignore that tiny little fact because she had an oh-so-clever little snark that the Strib (and unfortunately, us) just had to hear about. Not to mention that she is guilty of the same sin that she accuses the church of: she implicitly denies the possibility that there may be some gay folks that could go straight, while accusing the Church of holding that the possibility extends to all gays.

I think she's wrong. I used to hate buffalo wings. Now, I practically subsist on them. But there will always be people who despise that tangy-hot buffaloey goodness, and there are those who will always love it. And there are some who will pass through that revolving door in and out of buffalo bliss in their lifetimes.

Uf da. Just thinking about buffalo wings makes my need to poop even more urgent.

Gotta run!

LearnedFoot Emerges from His Tryptophan and Beer Coma

Oh look. I have a blog. Maybe I should write something...


Friday, November 25, 2005

Turkey Bowl Update

If you had me on your fantasy football team, you're in good shape. I had approximately 100 yards receiving with one touchdown - a dramatic (and studly) 60 yard reception on a skinny post where I got behind the free safety, the QB threw a perfect pass, and what resulted was a foot race to the end zone. Given that I'm one of the best athletes in the MOB (and if anyone would like to challenge me on that, I can provide links and pictures) giving chase was futile.

What? Did YOU scortch a rather tight zone defense this weekend? No? Then shut the hell up. It ain't bragging if you can do it.

Plus I am the Risk Champion of the year, so y'all better get your attitudes in line. I am not a man to be triffled with.

I'm Still in Iowa, and the MAWB Squad's Prospects of World Domination Seem to Be Dwindling By the Day

One of the highlights of my family's Thanksgiving tradition is the Annual Post-Dinner (and nap) Full Contact Risk Game. The competition is always intense, and the smack flies freely. Intentionally bad advice is offered to the greener participants. Alliances are formed. Alliances are broken; usually on the same turn. The winner's prize: an aesthetically pleasing monochome gameboard, and the right to lord your victory over your opponents for an entire year.

Yesterday, employing the North American Gambit, eventually neutralizing one opponent's Afro-Latino Hegemony, all the while maintaining an uneasy Nonagression Pact with BrotherFoot, I realized my dreams of Stylized World Map domination. Thereby answering that age-old question thusly: Why, I am your daddy.



Sorry dude. Must've been a hallucinogenic mix of tryptophane and beer.

wOOt WoooHoooo!!!

Later today, Turkey Bowl XXVII.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Hi!... I'm in Iowa!

But that doesn't mean that I cannot wish each and every one of you a very happy Thanksgiving.

Unless you are Michael "DFL Bobo" McIntee - in which case, I hope that you break out with painful boils carbuncles and your penis falls off.

If you had one to begin with.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Oh Look: A Lefty Being a Dick!!! Redux.

Here is my first impression: it's a stunt. A fishing expedition. An attempt by a couple of penis heads (probably at the suggestion of other penis heads) to see if they can intimidate MDE's server to cough up his name.

Two reasons why I think this:

1) Available remedies. Did MDE's posting of a picture (with attribution and linkage) from a second third fourth fifth thirtieth-rate blog cause a financial loss to the penis heads who run that blog? (Answer: no).

And do they really have the cash to pay an attorney to get (a) a subpoena to compel the server to disclose MDE's name, and (b) prosecute an action for injunctive relief to remedy an alleged wrong that MDE has already rectified and probably will not repeat?

2) Rule 11 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.


Why does all the interesting shit happen when I'm going out of town?

I've been in touch with the Exposer, and as soon as he comes through with some of the information I requested, I'll be better able to tell just how serious the penis heads are.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Calling all law talkin' guys and gals!

Our friend MDE is being harassed once again to reveal his identity. This over some bogus (in my opinion, but I did not go to law school) charge of copyright infringement, even after removing the offending image. Take a look at the post where he explains it and asks for the help of his fellow bloggers.

Hi Dementee

OPG here. I'm sorry, I was entranced while contemplating this:

And this:

And this:

But that is a cute little second-tier franchise you've got there!

Did they ever get one of these? Ever?


OPG Where Are You?

Has anyone seen OPG? I want him to explain why his beloved Packers and Saint Bret could lay down like dogs on national televison and let the amoral pig-filled Vikings beat them.

Oh, I Forgot One

In the list of gay marriage canards found immediately below, I forgot to mention a common one:


And you are a mouth-breathing Cro-magnon who can do no better than slander people who think - validly - that your proposal offers little, if any, benefit to society.

They Should Change the Rules of Major League Baseball to Accommodate Double Amputees

Self absorption alert! And really, I'm beginning to think that's all the push to legalize gay marriage is about:

Designed to endure

A Pastors Summit met earlier this month to discuss preserving marriage as they know it. It has been pointed out many times that can only be done by addressing the problem of divorce.

Well, let me suggest a way to reduce divorce in heterosexual marriages. Legalize same-sex marriages! Many of us who attempted traditional marriage would not be increasing the American divorce rate if we had the opportunity to love and unite our lives with the person we were intelligently designed to love.


You'll be surprised to learn that Rev Lovejoy (not his real name) is not a Unitarian. I checked.

So if we read between the lines here - hell if we read the lines themselves - we learn that the good reverend 1) knew he was gay; 2) married a woman anyway; and 3) divorced her when he finally recognized that being married to someone who attracts you in the same way a dead raccoon might isn't all its cracked up to be.

I find that Nancy Pelosi is an unattractive, annoyingly vile harpy woman. But since there's no one else around, I think I'll marry her! Because the law provides for marriage so, dagnabbit, I'm gonna use it!

Abject. Drooling. Stupidity.

Let's face it: advocates of same-sex marriage really want validation, not equal rights. It becomes more apparent when you tick off the canards that they pass off as arguments:

We want/need health care coverage for our partners.

Well, the health care industry already is getting the piss regulated out of it. What's one more rule? Does this merit destroying a cornerstone of our society (more about the cornerstone thing in a minute).

We want to visit our partner in the hospital.

See immediately above.

People should be able to marry the person he or she loves.

This will be a shock to those of you who think that "emotional intelligence" is on a par with "rational intelligence," so duct tape your heads so they don't explode before you read the following.

Marriage isn't about love. At least as far as the law is concerned. Sure, it's necessary to make a marriage last longer than your typical Hollywood PR stunt, but, oddly enough the state doesn't require it. Take a gander at Minnesota's marriage statute:

Marriage, so far as its validity in law is concerned, is a civil contract between a man and a woman, to which the consent of the parties, capable in law of contracting, is essential. Lawful marriage may be contracted only between persons of the opposite sex and only when a license has been obtained as provided by law and when the marriage is contracted in the presence of two witnesses and solemnized by one authorized, or whom one or both of the parties in good faith believe to be authorized, so to do. Marriages subsequent to April 26, 1941, not so contracted shall be null and void.

For those with a short attention span, here's a breakdown. To get married there must be 1) 2 people; 2) of the opposite sex; 3) who are capable of, and do consent to marry (unless exceptions found here or in other sections apply); 4) a license; 5) two witnesses; 6) solemnization (by wedding, judge, etc.) (Note: the consanguinity proscriptions are contained elsewhere, so all you pervs out there that want to marry your grandmother are not off the hook).

Note the absence of a "love" requirement. Or a "fondness" one. Or even a "doesn't make one vomit by his or her very presence in the same room" requirement. In fact, the statute even labels it a "contract". I don't know about you, but the very invocation of that word, which calls to mind similar unarousing things as the Parol Evidence Rule and the Statute of Frauds, is enough to make this blogger flaccid for a long time.

The horse is dead. Let's move on.

We want to be able to have the intestacy laws account for us too, so that our property goes to the correct people when we die.

It's called "a will".

In the same vein, the estate tax laws (specifically the marital exemption) don't apply fairly to same sex couples without a legally recognized marriage.

Oh, so now the estate tax is something that's bad, and to be mitigated and avoided? Aren't you the same people who typically want the estate tax to be as high as possible since dead rich people make the easiest targets for taxation?

Sorry about the broad generalization.

A two sentence amendment to the Internal Revenue code could fix that if the interest is there.

Society benefits from stable relationships.

True. You got me there.

But since when is state sanction necessary for the existence of a stable relationship? You people really need to be able to cut the cord and do something without a government program.

Divorce harms marriage more than gay people would.

This is like saying that I harm the institution of baseball because I can't hit a slider. This is the most retarded trope I have ever heard. If drooling doofusses like the Reverend actually engaged their brain before screwing up their lives (and typically, as in the Rev's case, an innocent third party too) there'd be less divorce. See the problem isn't with the law. The problem is with the people who misuse it. Like Reverend Lovejoy.


The purpose of marriage is this and nothing more:

To propagate the species, and provide a basic social unit conducive to the successful production and care for children.

And gay couples can't make babies.

I understand that that's a rather "evolutionary" perspective - after all I'm a theocratic wingnut, right?

[Rereads entire post] Huh. How about that? Not one religion-based argument. Fancy that.

RYAN RHODES INTERRUPTS: This post is missing one thing...

LF: What's that?

RYAN: A "booger" or "poop" reference.

LF: You got it!

Reverend Lovejoy's letter was so sickening, that it made me poop boogers!

RYAN: Yay!

Monday, November 21, 2005

It's Official!

Jimmy Carter has certified the MOB mayoral election results. So you *know* that the election was legitimate.

And thus ends one rollicking narrative.

Until next year, when Doug's term expires...

Why the Left must be Destroyed

Now that I’ve “voluntarily” conceded the race for mayor, it’s time for me to get my life back to that which is my idea of normal.

The Left wing in this country – and I’m convinced it has morphed from a wing into an entire damn bird (Dodo bird to be precise) – needs to be crushed, destroyed, made extinct. Their mouthpieces need to have their tongues cut out and their voice boxes removed. Hands, feet, eyelids and any other body part that can be used to communicate must be surgically detached.

I know we can’t do all of them at once, so I nominate Chris Matthews to go first.

Here’s what Chris had to say at a recent speech he gave to a bunch of college students at the University of Toronto:

The period between 9/11 and Iraq was not a good time for America. There wasn't a robust discussion of what we were doing," Matthews said.

"If we stop trying to figure out the other side, we've given up. The person on the other side is not evil -- they just have a different perspective."

He said Bush squandered an opportunity to unite the world against terrorism and instead made decisions that have built up worldwide animosity against his administration.

First a question: Why do these pricks always have to go out of the country before they start vomiting such vacuous rhetoric?

Now, for some fun: What Chris Matthews has done is put the philosophy of the Left into a single-sentence nutshell.

For him and his like-minded Lefty friends evil is not strapping your body with explosives and killing as many innocent people as possible. Evil is not hijacking airliners and smashing them into building in an attempt to kill thousands. For Mr. Matthews evil is not kidnapping people and beheading them on camera.

No, to chuckle-headed assholes like Chris Matthews we in the US are evil for not taking the time to understand why these subhuman dirtballs want to kill us.

Let’s read the quote again: "If we stop trying to figure out the other side, we've given up. The person on the other side is not evil -- they just have a different perspective."

Chris, I would love to figure out the other side. I want to figure out where they live and work and kill as many of them as possible. I would love to see the blood flow from their veins and watch them die in the streets while rocks and bottles are thrown at them.

I want to figure out a way to gather them into a large stadium – the Rose Bowl will do – and kill them in a very slow and painful way. I want to hear them screeching in pain and screaming for Allah.

I want them to feel the pain they’ve inflicted on their innocent victims. I want dismemberment one small appendage at a time. We’ll start with a finger or toe and work our way from there.

What you and your Lefty friends don’t get and what the rest of us understand, Chris, is what the Islamofascist pigs want, what drives them to blow themselves up is one thing –Islamic domination of the world.

A single theocracy ruling the entire world is what they seek and they will stop at nothing to achieve it.

How, my dear, misguided, vacuum-headed Chris, does one begin to negotiate with someone whose definition of success is your death?

You need to go away now, Mr. Matthews. You and anyone who holds the same dangerous opinion; that terrorists are not evil, that they just come from a different perspective.


Dementee issued the following statement at an 11:00 am CST press conference:













Another revelation has rocked a mayoral election that has aready seen three instances of ballot box stuffing (don't think I haven't noticed ladies), allegations of past criminal activity, the disqualification of a candidate, death threats, recriminations, dirty campaigning and at least one Breakfast Club parody. Today, an anonymous source has leaked more photos that reveal candidate Dementee's checkered past. These new images, which you will see exclusively on KAR, spell certain doom for the Dementee campaign with mere hours left until the polls close.

First, a photo taken by a former neighbor when Dementee was shacking up with Crack Whore Barbie. Apparently they engaged in a less-than-upstanding lifestyle:

Another photo that our crack expert staff (Bill) deems "authentic" sheds light on Dementee's foreign alligences in the early 2000's:

Finally, our crack research staff (Bill) pursuing an annonymous tip, dug through the archives of various prominent newspapers and discovered a long forgotten dalliance:

There has been no comment from the Dementee camp on this rapidly unfolding scandal. Stay tuned to KAR for all the latest developments.

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Breakfast Club 2: KARnies in Stir

[Cue song: Simple Minds' Don't You Forget About Me. It is Saturday. Several shots from behind of 6 different men walking into the entrance of an otherwise empty public library somewhere in Wright County.]

(Da daaaaaa)Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(Da Daaaaaa) Oooooooo oooo ooo ohhhh
(Da daaaaaa)

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You (da da da daaaa) Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You (da da da daaaa)Forget About Me

[The men gather at a couple of large tables in between the stacks.]

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Well, this certainly is a pisser.

NIHILIST WANNABEE BILL: Yeah. I have gifts to wrap. Why the heck do we have to be here anyway?

LEARNEDFOOT: Because the MAWB chicks are mad that I caught them cheating in a meaningless election. It was a blow to their ambitions, and thus their egos. They felt that I needed to be punished.

BILL: But why do we all have to be here?

HOAG: You know how some guy does something bad to a woman, the woman will then impute that wrong to the entire male gender? This is along those same lines. If you'd like more information on this phenomenon, read anything ever written by Maureen Dowd. It's sad, really.

LF: Lest we not forget, Head, none of us did anything wrong. [Notices someone he does not recognize sitting at another table.] Hey, who're you?


LF: Why are you here?

KEV: Those MAWB chicks don't like my frequently misogynistic, though tongue in cheek, writings.

OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY: Typical humorless women. Want a pull off my flask? It's 180-proof brandy. [Holds out his flask]


[Kevin takes a long swig. Meanwhile, Dementee starts gnawing on a large book in the corner of the room.]

KEV: Ooo. That makes me feel tingly.

OPG: Yep, half-a-bottle of this stuff, and I'll have to take you home in a bucket.


[A door flies open, and a diminuative but stern-looking woman stomps into the room, followed by an even smaller, wimpy looking "man".]

CATHY: Okay you worms - let's get one thing straight from the get go - I am in charge here. You will do everything I tell you to do when I tell you to do it. You are being punished by me. I have absolute power here. Do not mess with me. I play soccer. If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns! [Makes bull-horn symbol with her fingers.] As part of your punishment, each of you are to write a 5,000 word essay about why the MAWB Squad would be good global dictators. Any questions?

HOAG: Who's the dork with you?

CATHY: This is Stan. Stan will be my eyes and ears. You won't be able to fart without me knowing it -

LF: Actually, when Dementee farts, everybody knows about it.

[Raucus laughter erupts among the KARnies. Dementee farts. More laughter.]

CATHY: Keep it up gentlemen. Just keep it up... [makes the bull-horns finger symbol again, then storms out of the room, leaving Stan behind.]

KEVIN: So now what do we do?

LF: I know! Let's beat up the twerp!

STAN: Darrrrrr... [drools]

[The KARnies pound the living crap out of Stan leaving him in lump on the floor, face down in a pool of blood and drool.]

HOAG: Heh. That was fun!


[The door flies open again. Cathy walks briskly into the room followed by a large group of dull looking people, many of them drooling. She sees the bloody remains of Stan on the floor, and sniffs.]

CATHY: I have an extra-special diabolically evil punishment for LearnedFoot. These people behind me all wrote letters to the Strib that were mocked by Foot.

[Dementee's eyes grow wide.]

CATHY: Payback's a bitch, ain't it Foot? Now you have to deal with all these angry -

[Dementee pounces, and swallows the lot of the moron mailers whole.]

DEM: *burp*

CATHY: Hrrumph! [Storms out of the room. Goes to the library's computer room and surfs porn.]


[Cathy leaves the detainees alone for a while. During this time, they engage in various hijinx, drug experimentation, and deep heart to heart conversations. In the end, they have gained a better understanding of each other, and indeed, of the human condition.]

BILL: What time is it?

HOAG: Noon.

BILL: It's only noon??!!! When do we get out of here?

LF: Actually we can leave any time we want. Nothing's stopping us. Hell, we didn't even have to come here in the first place.

BILL: Then why did you make us come here?

LF: I figured it would make a good "Breakfast Club" parody.

OPG: I'm out of brandy and I'm bored. I need a beer. F&$% this noise - I'm outta here. Who's with me?

[Everybody nods in agreement]

HOAG: Don't forget: before we leave, we need to drop one more F-bomb so we can get the coveted "R" rating.

[They all look at each other. Momentary silence.]

BILL: F%#$!!! [inmediately covers his mouth with his hands and looks shocked at his own out of character behavior. The others look at him with admiration, proud of his evolution from a milquetoast goody-two-shoes to a rebel. They all laugh warmly.]

KEVIN: What about that essay we were supposed to write?

HOAG: Fuhgiddaboutit. We don't need to do no stinkin' essay.

KEVIN: You know, I think I'd like to leave one anyway. [Grabs a piece of paper and a pen, and quickly scribbles something while The Head reads it over his shoulder. When Kevin finishes writing, the Head nods approvingly.]

HOAG: Boys - I think this guy might be one of us now. [Slaps Kevin on the shoulder.]

[Music begins to swell. Cut to a shot of the library entrance. One by one the detainees walk out of the library. Dementee looks back over his shoulder and sees Cathy looking out the window, having a hissy fit at the KARnies' impudence. He flips her the bird. Cut back to inside the library. Cathy runs into the stacks area to chase the boys down. She notices Kevin's essay laying on a table and stops. She picks it up and reads it. After a moment her face contorts to a visage of complete digust, and she slams the paper down onto the table. The camera zooms in to reveal what is written on the page: "Get bent!"

Bill is the last to exit the building. He pumps his fist in the air. Freeze frame. Credits.]

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :La la la la la. La la la la. La la la la la la la la...

Anything for a bit of pleasure

As I read this letter to the editor in today’s SPPP (free registration required), I was waiting for young Amy of White Bear Lake to say that she has thrown away her allegiance to the purple \ and is now firmly in the camp of the Indianapolis Colts.

Imagine my surprise when I read the last sentence of this seemingly innocuous missive:

It is sad that I must push aside moral standards just to be a fan of the Vikings football team.

This is either a teachable moment for Amy or an opportunity to every heterosexual male on the University of Indiana campus.

If she’s willing to “push aside moral standards” just to cheer for her hometown team, imagine what she’ll be willing to cast aside when she’s feeling randy after a few toddies.

My advice: Get going boys.

In the meantime, I should pass along her name to the guys that purportedly submitted the following personal ads to the Dublin (Ireland) News:

1. Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

2. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancie, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

3. Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

4. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

5. Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

6. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

7. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

Here's hoping you have a happy weekend and that you all "get a little."

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Not-Really-Well-Thought-Out Quote o' the Day

Saint Paul councilthing Dave "Stalin" Thune on why expanding the city's smoking ban to include bars won't cause widespread bar closings:

"If New York City can do it, St. Paul can figure it out, it really can," said Thune...

...Because unlike New York, St. Paul has an enormous and vibrant tourism industry to cover the loss of local business.

And here you get a bonus Blantantly Communist Remark o' the Day:

adding that he'll try to come up with promotional funds to help out neighborhood "watering holes."

Gee that's a grat idea! It kind of like saying "I'm going to rip off your arm. But that's OK, because I'll buy you a prosthesis to replace it, and make the taxpayers pay for it."

[Guinness guys] BRILLIANT! [/Guinness guys]

How do morons like this get elected?

Don't answer that. I already know.

I am outraged

Not since Marion Barry was framed by a Washington D.C. hooker, has there been such outrageous allegations hurled at a mayoral candidate.

As my good friend said at the time, "The goddamn bitch set me up."

I am disheartened by this ugly turn of events. Never have I encountered such scurrilous attacks against my character. I hope these false accusations do not dissuade the good people of the KAR Nation from voting for me.

Therefore, an effort to reclaim my good name, I’m offering a tube of cookie dough smack to anyone who sees through this attempt to sway the electorate and votes for me.

Peace out, Brother Barry.

Moron Mail

Speaking of "noteworthy poop," here's a letter from a guy who appears to have trouble forming a coherent thought:

In a Nov. 14 letter, the writer asserts that American culture survives because it adopts portions of other cultures while retaining its original American cultural essence. This must come as quite a shock to the original Americans!

Uh oh. Here comes another rant about the plight of the American Indians. Dude, Columbus day was last month.

"The land of the free" is now carved up into plots of private property, and one can hardly walk five miles in any direction without trespassing.

I see, it's going to be a Socialist jeremiad against the evils of private property.

Just a quick aside, back before one "couldn't walk 5 miles with out trespassing," one couldn't walk more than 5 miles without getting eaten by a bear. Is that really preferable?


The original environment of this nation has been terraformed or paved over. Barter is gone. And don't even think about going to a remote forest, to build a little hut and live off the land!

Ah it's not a a rant about the plight of the Indians or Socialist propaganda. The point of this letter is to call us back to a simpler time; a saner style of living.

It's always been my dream to reside in a little hut in some remote forest and live off the land. Especially if I could get the hut by bartering for it.

Perhaps what he meant was that the dominant culture makes a few paltry conciliatory gestures to newcomers, and allows them to open up a restaurant. Wow.

Wow indeed! I have no idea what the hell this guy is talking about.

What I am quite sure of is that the recent rioting in France was not because, in the writer's words, "Multiculturalism does not work." The real culprit was -- and is -- economic disparity.
Ah ha! This letter is not about Indians or a Socialist deconstruction of private property or decrying urban sprawl while calling for a simpler lifestyle or immigrants opening restaurants.

It's about the French riots.


Didn't see that coming.

Since France is basically a Socialist paradise with a gigantic welfare state, and the rioters all belong to a single ethno-religious group, I'm going to hazard a guess that the problem is multiculturalism and not economic disparity.

ANDR3W C. WILLFART, ROSEMOUNT (name altered to protect the confused)

Thanks for playing Andy! Please write more letters to the Strib. This was actually pretty fun. I had to keep my head on a swivel to follow you.

And that, my dear Ryan, is how it's done.

Epistula Moronus Interuptus

Here's a drooling imbecile:

In spite of President Bush's statements regarding who agreed with him about invading Iraq, there are two simple points to remember: The people who hit us on 9/11 are still at large four years later, and the people we are now fighting were not involved.


They're still at large, huh? I'm guessing that by "at large," Ken means -

Wait a minute. What's this?

Aw, c'mon man! You can't steal my schtick. Did Nonmonkey retire or something?

Or maybe Ryan hasn't taken a noteworthy poop lately.

I Think She's Confused

Sour grapes at the MAWB Squad for getting busted:

The way Foot changes the rules to suit him proves he's a closet Democrat and this whole voting scheme is only a ruse to keep the electorate happy.

Closet Democrat? Er, I wasn't the one stuffing the ballot box. BTW, it's interesting to note that the voter "turnout" is somewhat lower now that the Broads aren't in the running.

Do these ladies think that it's a good idea to provoke a blog that has successfully harnessed the awesome destructive power of the Starland Vocal Band?

Rest assured, dear citizens of KAR-Nation, that as long as we are on the watch, these diabolical, cheating, power-hungry womyn will never achieve their goal of world domination. We've got a nuke the Starland Vocal Band.

This is war.


Incriminating photos have come to light that could destroy Dementee's mayoral campaign.

First, a surveillance camera caught him during the commission of a crime.

The second, a police artist's depiction of an eyewitness account, shows that the motivation of the crime may have been to fund an illicit habit.



Whatever the hell you're doing that's making this page, and others, look goofy: please stop it.

Thank you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Taking a page from the Democratic Party of Wisconsin's playbook, compelling evidence has come to light that indicates lackeys of mayoral candidate MAWB Squad have been engaging in massive ballot box stuffing. There were a number of irregularities apparent during the primary stage of the election. Among them, on several occasions, an unexplainable surge of 5 to 6 votes were registered for the MAWBsters in a very short period of time whenever one of its challengers came close to, or surpassed them, in various stages of the election. Also, during one period, three votes were counted to the MAWB Squad while KAR's site meter indicated that there were only 2 visitors on the site at that time.

These irregularities were duly noted when they occurred, but they did not alone constitute sufficient evidence of fraud.

Which brings us to this comment thread - the smoking gun, if you will (please forgive the Eva-like cut-and-paste job):

I keep trying to vote often but they keep kicking me out. What is it worth for me to add 9 more names to my e-mail address?
Your neighbor to the north Saint Cloud
Posted by:
Stan November 13, 2005 at 09:32 AM

Dear Stan,
I am truly touched by your willingness to influence the election. For the public record, I must gently chastise you for attempted voter fraud. Of course, once MAWB Squad has won, there will be a cush job awaiting you along with other benefits (MOB vehicle, health club membership, MOB Visa card, etc.). MAWB could use a man like you, Stan.
Hope you weathered the storms last night. I'm not too far south of you in scenic Wright County.
Posted by:
St. Kate November 13, 2005 at 07:36 PM

I have found the secret, tell you more after the election. Bahahahahaha.
Posted by:
stan November 14, 2005 at 09:15 AM

There you have it. Conclusive evidence that the MAWB Broads have participated in a conspiracy to rig an election. What the hell do they think this is? Milwaukee?

There also have been reports that the tires on Sisyphus' car were slashed. No connection to the MAWB Squad can be made at this time, and an investigation is underway.

Given that the legitimacy of elections is a pet issue of mine, the following remedies will be applied:

1) The MAWB Squad is disqualified from this election, and is replaced on the ballot by the next highest vote-getter (which would be Bogus Doug).

2) This "Stan" guy - whoever he is - gets the death penalty. Or at least the blog equivalent of the death penalty, when we figure out what that is.

The new runoff between Dementee and Bogus Doug will end on Monday. Please guys: try not to drag this election any farther into the sewer than those chicks did.

I direct this final comment at the Broads themselves:

How in the hell do you expect to take over the world if you can't even get away with rigging a satirical election? You really need to go back to dictator school. Or find yourselves more competent bootlicks.


In the interests of an informed electorate, I offer this short debate between the candidates.


DOUG: Back off dude, or I shall spill a martini on you.

*End of debate*

Here is Bogus Doug's fact sheet:

Candidate essay: I like wine!

Endorsements: Rew, Howard Dean, Nick Coleman, the American Communist Party, Socialist Alternative, Code Pink, and NAMBLA.

Game on gentlemen. May the best candidate with a penis win.

Top 10* Things on KAR That Are Made Up or Exaggerated For Humorous Purposes

* (One worse than a top 11 list)

For those in the Surreality Based Community that have a hard time with humor, here's a little primer to help you better understand KAR:

10. OPG is actually a fictional character, created so LearnedFoot can rant about football and insult Vikings fans with impunity.

9. Dementee doesn't really eat people.

8. Dementee doesn't always talk like Cookie Monster.

7. Iron Maiden really can't teach us all that much.

6. Bill is actually better at gift-wrapping than at berry pie decorating; not vice versa.

5. Kool Aid Guy never got married. Or divorced.

4. We actually think Millard Fillmore was a crappy president.

3. We all think Mauve is a crappy color.

2. We never had a clandestine nuclear program, even though a certain local columnist thought that we did.

1. We were not really breathlessly outraged at the Strib for mentioning Power Liberal.

Hope that helps.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Thirteen (Months) Going on Thirty (Years)

They grow up so fast!

Last month The Boy (nee LittleFoot#2) turned one. His development has accelerated since. For starters, he now has a 5 word vocabulary. Oddly enough, his first two words were "Dada" and "bottle" ("ba"). I wonder how that happened...

Not only is he making a run at being the next Cicero, but he can walk by himself for about 6 feet. And he's got a live arm - meaning that when he throws one of his 79 balls at my forehead from point blank range, it often hurts. But Saturday, I received the first true indication that my Little Guy is truly growing up.

He got his first credit card offer in the mail.

Platinum Level!


Two of them, actually, but they were both from the same card issuer, which I will not name (I'll just say that it might be what's in your wallet, and leave it at that). Tonight, I'm going to help The Boy fill out the forms (with crayon) and send 'em in. Just to be darn sure that the credit card company is aware of what it's getting itself into, I'll fill in his birth date for him so that it's legible. October 26, 2004.

Then, 6 to 8 weeks later when that Platinum Card arrives, we're off to Best Buy so he can buy himself a *phat* home entertainment system. There's nothing like watching Baby Einstein on a giant plasma screen in surround sound.

Maybe The Boy can pick up an employment aplication while we're there. I hear Best Buy hires aditional help for the holiday shopping season.

Some People is Not Real Good With English

For the edification of some who sorely need some reading comprehension help, I offer the following:

Satire (n)

1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn

2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly

I would add that critical reading skills and a sense of humor are a prerequisite to understanding satire. If you don't have those, please stop reading KAR. Really, you're just giving yourself a migrane, so what's the point?

MORE: Oh, and by the way - if you gave this piece the nuanced reading that it required (as Rew was able to do) you would have noted a subtle self-deprecating strain running through it. So out the window goes the effectiveness of all your "self-important," "arrogant," "thin-skinned," "narcissistic" insults. And as many of us have seen, when you lose your petty little ad hominae and diversionary rhetorical flourishes ("ECHO CHAMBER!") , you pretty much have nothing left.


The votes have been tabulated, and no candidate was able to muster a majority of the vote. The polls will open later today for you to vote for one of the two highest vote-getters.

But before I get to that, I would like to thank all candidates involved for running clean, civil campaigns. Let's hope this final stage will be a little more acrimonious.

First, some of the losers would like to give their concession speeches:

From candidate Bogus Doug, who finished one vote short:

You are all a bunch of chuzzlewits! Where's my wine?

From Atomizer who was well out of the running:

Election? What election? Where's my martini?

From Sisyphus, who fell 6 votes short:

Go Arsenal! Where's my Absinthe?

From Mitch Berg:

All I can tell you, is that this loss gives me a soul crushing ennui. Where's my car? I think somebody stole my car right outta my garage!

David Strom, who failed to garner more votes than 'None of the Above" could not be reached for comment. Instead, here's a file photo:

And now here's a fact sheet on your runoff candidates, presented in the fair, evenhanded and unbiased manner that you've come to expect from us:



Endorsements: The Acerbic Irrelevancies Party. God. Chef's Union Local 494.

and his opponent...


Candidate essay: First the MOB - then the world! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!! We also make a mean tuna-noodle hotdish!

Endorsements: Rew, Howard Dean, Nick Coleman, the American Communist Party, Socialist Alternative, Code Pink, and NAMBLA.


Good luck to both of the candidates! Polls close on Friday.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Silly Me! I'm Not Oppressive; I'm a Satirist!

It occurs to me that I am not oppressive. I reach this conclusion for three reasons:

1) If I were truly oppressive, everybody would have sent me $100 by now. Nobody has.

2) Pursuant to my exhortations, the Strib would devote their entire Blog House feature to KAR every week. That is, after all, at the root of the drooling imbicile's complaint. I am confident that the Strib will continue to ignore KAR, just as KAR will continue to ignore the Strib's political endorsements.

3) Er, the dictionary:


1 a : unjust or cruel exercise of authority or power; b : something that oppresses especially in being an unjust or excessive exercise of power


1 *** b : to crush or burden by abuse of power or authority

While the insertion of the word "poop" into blog names may be fairly construed to be an "abuse of power or authority," I'm pretty certain that the good folks on KAR's blogroll - up to and including those at The Nihilist in Poopy Golf Pants - never felt crushed or burdened by it.

So, dumbshit, pick your artless, humorless entrails up off the floor and go away.

Are Ya' Ready for the Oppression?

I notice that the balances of my various offshore accounts have not changed.

[Emperor Palpatine] So be it, Jedi [/Emperor Palpatine]

I have proceded to oppress the rest of you wretched urchins in the "Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll. It is too late to beg for mercy.

Just as this same lefty blog exposed Sisyphus' war profiteering through his purchase of a large block of Halliburton, so I have been outed as an oppressor. Unfortunately, it just means that I am able to brazen about it now.

Heel to, my slaves!

Oppression Haikus

Submit to Foot's will.
For he is the oppressor,
And you're the oppressed.

Ever wonder why
Bill does not blog very much?
Foot's oppressing him.

You Make Me Sad

How do you people expect me to oppress you when you stubbornly insist on being disobedient.


I have oppressed two more of you quivering worms on the "Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll.

I better start seeing that cash soon, or the amount of oppression I'm going to pour on your sorry asses will be more oppression than you will be able to bear.

Apparently You People Are Not Familiar With the Concept of "Oppression"

It has now been one hour since I demanded that you, my oppressed, pay me fealty (in the amount of $100), otherwise I would oppress you further. Not one of you lowly maggots has complied.

Fine. I'll need to make an example of someone.

I direct your attention to the "A Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll on the sidebar. You will note that I have begun to REALLY oppress Nihilist in Golf Pants.

As you can see, I mean business. My middle name didn't become "Oppression" because I'm a lightweight.

If you do not comply with my demand in one hour, I shall continue oppressing other bloggers in a similar manner.

Still Waiting...

I have yet to receive any tribute payments from you, the scrubs whom I am oppressing.

Don't test my patience. If you think you're oppressed by me now, just wait until I really start oppressing you.

Help, Help! You're Being Oppressed!

One of the duller witted bleating sheep, MNObserver, again provides me with material:

PROPOSITION: Liberals are angry, humorless people who wouldn't get a joke if it bit them in the ass.

Evidence against proposition.

Compelling evidence for proposition.

Of course, I do pride myself on the fact that you need to have a higher IQ than a cabbage to actually appreciate some of the humor here.

But for those that don't, we sometimes offer poop humor as well.

Oh, and apparently I'm oppressing y'all.

No, wait. Let me quote her. This is precious:

Learned Foot, Oppression is thy middle name.

..Because of this post????

ANNOUNCEMENT: Everybody is to remit $100 to me at once, or I shall oppress you further.

MNOb claims to be an attorney. Who wants to bet her area of practice is PI? I can afford to make a bet like this since I am about to experience a windfall funded by my oppressed minions.

MEMO TO MNOB: In the off-chance that you were trying to be funny, please stop. Go back to what you do best: displaying a stunning lack of comprehension and regurgitating DFL talking points.

MOB Mayoral Race Update

With one day left in the election, the MAWB Squad Broads hold a slim 5 vote lead over the next closest candidate, Dementee. Sisyphus and Bogus Doug are close on Dementee's tail (and they might want to be careful about that - moonbats make him gassy).

It is instructive to note that the MAWB squad is the officially endorsed candidate of the Power Liberal. If you need guidance as to whom *not* to vote for, look no further.

The polls will close tomorrow. If no candidate can muster 50% plus 1 vote, then there will be a runoff between the top two candidates (none of that strong-third-party-sticking-us-with-a-candidate-that-only-got-35%-of-the-vote nonsense here people!)


Sunday, November 13, 2005

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Being Ignored By the MSM

It isn't me, it's someone else. -Iron Maiden

Last week the Strib introduced a new feature on its Commentary page called the "Blog House". This feature, written by one Tim O'Brien, summarizes the blog buzz on the more compelling topics of the week. I think it's a fantasic idea for the Strib, since the only thing local bloggers love more than banging on the Strib is reading about themselves.

Anyhow, regarding last week's premiere installment of the "Blog House," Rew - she of the Power Liberal - lamented the lack of representation of the local lefty blogs.

Oh Look! A liberal whining about something! Get it into the late edition! Maybe even devote a special section to it!

Never mind that the biggest local lefty blog is basically a nothing more than a string of profanities with hyperlinks writen by a bitter middle-aged douchebag who - shockingly - hates wingnuts (a "wingnut" being anybody to the right of George McGovern). O'Brien noted her complaint in yesterday's edition (thereby mentioning one of the two local lefty blogs worth reading).

So if all it takes to get one's name in print is bitch to the author of the column, count me in:

Hey O'Brien! Instead of reprinting some whiny complaint about your failure to abide by the lefty-blogs' Afirmative Action quota program, how about pointing your readers to something that they give a crap about. For example, I bet when you were in J school you never thought you'd have the oportunity to write the following copy:

The Kool Aid Report passed along a message from God to Pat Robertson. In response to Robertson's recent controversial remarks about Dover Pennsylvania, God dressed down Robertson with a profanity-laced tirade. In another message, God seemed to insinuate that he hates soccer.

Yes, Tim: you could have written that "God gave a profanity-laced tirade." But you blew it. And you'll probably never have that opportunity again.

Friday, November 11, 2005

One More Thing From God

NOTE: Here's more from the Big Guy:

Dear Peoples of the Earth:

I command you to go and read this comment thread now. It's the funniest chain of rhetorical loogie hocking in all of creation.


Does Obsessive Stalker Looser Want Leviticus Crowd Dead?

Swiftee notes that a meeting of church leaders to discuss a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage was interrupted when someone (presumably a gay activist) phoned in a bomb threat. Eva has violated yet ANOTHER copyright.

How rediculous!Eva has violated yet ANOTHER copyright.

I wonder why noted gay activist Obsessive Stalker Looser hasn't condemned this terroristic tactic?Eva has violated yet ANOTHER copyright.

Come to think of it, I have heard that OSL sometimes uses telephones...Eva has violated yet ANOTHER copyright.

Curiouser and curiouser.Eva has violated yet ANOTHER copyright.


A Quick Follow-Up From God

NOTE: The wifi in heaven is still fubar, so God wanted me to pass along one other general interest item:

To Whom It May Concern:

I had nothing to do with the creation of soccer. Just so we're all clear about that.


Are You There Pat? It's Me: God.

NOTE: Since His wifi is down, God asked me to pass this open message along. I guess that from now on, you'll have to refer to me as ProphetFoot.

Dear Pat Robertson:

Please shut up. I don't know where those voices in your head are coming from (well, actually, I do; but I can't tell you, because that would spoil all the fun of being human). But I can tell you this: it's not Me.

You see, Pat, when you say things like "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," it makes Me very angry. You know why?

Because your being presumptuous of what I intend. Most of you label this the sin of "blasphemy". Which is fine and true enough. But I would also add that you are being a pompous, ignorant shitweasel twerp.

What? You're surprised that I would use a profanity? Hell, I do it all the time. I am God. I can do anything I want.

Shit crap bitch poop hell damn shit. Boobies!

Ha. I love to see you squirm like that.

Anyhoo, my people have a hard enough time dealing with a constant onslaught of insults and goobery stereotypes (as God, not only can I swear, but I can make up words too!), from people who don't believe in Me, or those who have a poor understanding of what "Faith" is, so they feel the need to demean others to make themselves feel more comfortable. Or less threatened. When come along and shoot off your mouth about what I would think about such a meaningless situation as what 15 minutes of a high school class in some small part of the world would be devoted to, you give them ammo that they can use to deride good people.

As a humorous aside, have you ever noticed that a lot of those so-called scientists who are so repelled to the idea of Intelligent Design, will take -without any sense of irony at all - a measly 130 years of meteorological data from a 4 billion year old planet and say that it conclusively proves human-driven "global climate change"? Talk about your blind faith!


Laugh with me now, Pat. I command it.


OK, where was I? Oh yeah: you're a total goober. Please stop giving My believers a bad name. It seems that lately every time you open your pie hole you embarrass a large swath of good Christians. And you do so because you profess to be a minister of some sort.

How were you ordained? Through the mail? You're certainly not Catholic. You know: the Church My boy started? Perhaps you've heard of it. Or is the line in the New Testament where My Son says "upon this rock I build My Church" the only part of the Bible that you don't take literally?

Sorry, I was venting there.

Bottom line: I can take care of myself just fine, and I don't need you to profess what I may be thinking. So from now on, please engage your brain, before you engage your mouth. Or get off my side.

Warmest Regards,

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Moron Mail: Special Bleating Sheep Edition

The bleating can be heard all the way across the river on the moonbat lefty hive known as the Strib letters page (though it should be noted that today the Strib printed a whole 2 letters from the Right. Keep up the improvement guys!):

Time for cooperation

While I confess to being "influenced" by St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly's endorsement of President Bush in 2004 and his cozy relationship with members of the Republican Party, the reason I opposed his reelection was because he has alienated many on the St. Paul City Council and the Ramsey County Board of Commissioners and in the Legislature, as well as the St. Paul citizens who serve as volunteers on their district councils.

This election should give them reason to hope for improved and constructive relations in the future.

JOE VINE, ST. PAUL (name has been edited)

Ah yes. The "alienation" thing. Kelly's "alienation" of all those groups really had a bad effect on Saint Paul.

Oh wait - it didn't; the city is thriving.


Logic, not anger

I resent the frequently heard comments that St. Paulites "punished" Randy Kelly for his endorsement of President Bush.

Punishment had nothing to do with my decision to vote for Chris Coleman. I do not approve of Bush, his actions and his values. If Kelly does, then he clearly didn't represent my beliefs.
Electing a new mayor was a choice made with logic, not anger.

JANE EWE, ST. PAUL (name has been edited)

I'll tread lightly here because Jane is a obviously a superior intellect. After all, she invoked "logic".

As if there this isn't a logical train of "thought" as well:

I hate George Bushitler and everything he stands for.

I hate anybody that likes George Bush.

Randy Kelly likes George Bush.

THEREFORE I hate Randy Kelly.

See that's logic. Not higher level thinking or anything like that, but it is logical. I suppose that Jane's letters page droolings could also be characterized as such:

Saint Paul is thriving.

The mayor's job is to be the chief administrator of the city.

Randy Kelly as mayor, had some role in the city's success.

Mayors whose leadership makes their cities successful are classified as "good mayors".

"Good mayors" deserve to be reelected.

BUT, Randy Kelly endorsed George Bush.

And George Bush does not share my "values".

Which means that Randy Kelly does not share my "values".

And my values trump an effective mayor, even if that means the guy I vote for to replace him is a complete tool whose policies will drag the city into the sewer.

THEREFORE Randy Kelly should be voted out of office.

Jane's logic sure is powerful, ain't it? Perhaps if we found a turnip that shared Jane's values, she would have voted for it.

Oh wait, they did that. Its name is "Chris Coleman". Well we'll soon get to see if a turnip with "superior" "values" can run a city.

Hey, if you sheeple want a close genetic relative of Nonmonkey running your city, more power to ya'. Just don't move into my neighborhood once the city becomes too expensive to live in.

Oh, and one more thing, which I will put in words that y'all can understand:

Baaaaaaaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

CIA Black Sites

The CIA black sites revealed in the November 2, Washington Post is beginning to take off as a story. I, for one, am a bit surprised that it has taken so long to get moving.

I found this post on a blog by Kevin Drum at the Washington Monthly web site and felt compelled to respond.

For those who are disturbed by the existence of these black sites I have a simple message:

Grow the hell up and start living in the real world!

It is time you come to terms with the fact that evils exists in the world and good people have to do bad things to destroy that evil. No amount of protesting, praying and singing of hymns will change that fact and until you Lefty, pacifists, crybabies shut your pie holes and let the CIA get on with the work they have to do that evil will continue to grow.

While I agree that a war free world is preferable to what we currently have, what you, my Lefty, pacifists, crybaby friends are missing is the part of the brain that tells you that what you seek cannot be found.

Wanting it is fine, expecting it is childish. And there’s a reason we don’t give autonomy to children.

If you don’t want to grow up and face reality, then get the hell out of the way and let the adults do what they have to do to keep your sorry asses safe from the Islamofascist swine who won’t rest until the US, Israel, and Europe are wiped off the map.

That’s all. I’m done for nowl, and for the week.

I’m going to take advantage of tomorrow’s weather to finish picking up the leaves in my yard. Actually, I’ll be sucking them up with my gas-powered blower/vac. I love a good two-cycle engine. Mixing oil with the gas is a true pleasure.

See ‘ya Monday.

The Legend Lives On...

Today marks the 30th anniversary of a sinking that doesn't involve your money into an out-of-control black hole school district.

I am, of course, talking about the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

To commemorate this somber event, and honor those mariners who parished that cold November evening, we reproduce for you below the Gordon Lightfoot classic, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Sing along if you remember the tune:

The legend lives on from the west side of town
Of the big lake they called Minnetonka
The Vikings, it's said, like to go and get head
When the bye in October comes early.

Wait a minute... That's not it.

OK, let's try this again:

The legend lives on from the Founders on down
Of the high court they called ‘the SCO-TUS’
The court it was said, was a co-equal branch
Until the Warren Court stuck it to us.

Oh for cryin' out loud! That's not it either.

Alright. Here's the correct version, I think:

The legend lives on from the MOB on down
Of the blog they call ‘The Kool-Aid Report
The blog it is said never lets moonbats live
When they write moron letters to duh Strib.

No no no no NO! Damn it.

[tapping fingers on desk]


There's something about "Gitchie Goomie" in there, I know...



And "some mill in Wisconsin," I'm pretty sure...




Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The ISD 196 Mafia Can Blow Me

On another topic, there's a new poll on the sidebar. At least the teachers' union can't hijack this election.

Or can they?

They do have $30 million dollars (and growing) just laying around collecting dust...

...And Vent I Will

The latest KAR scientific poll revealed that just over half of pollees think that Grain Belt is a vile, undrinkable concoction from hell. I assume the other half were just acknowledging that Dementee loves that crap.

Of course none of this really matters since the black hole that is Independent School District 196 will be taking more food out of my children's mouth.

May I say something?

Discretion being the better part of valor, I’m going to ride the bench today and let Foot vent.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

Seething White-Hot Rage

Since I moved to the Gambino Family's turf School District 196 in 1999, there have been four tax levy referenda, three of which passed. Of the three that did pass, two were in off year elections - one of those, a bond authorization, was in June. The other one that passed came on the heels of an extortion tactic by the school board that cut back on bussing. About a week later, we discovered that the district had a whole lot more money than they were letting on (as fellow ISD 196 victim Kevie notes here).

The strategy that the district has employed since that first, failed referendum in 2000 is obvious: slip the levy referenda onto the ballot in low-turnout election cycles (i.e. odd numbered years where there are no elections for federal offices), where the politically apathetic don't go out the polls, so that the ratio of district employees and teachers' union bobos voting outstrips that of the populace at large who would be picking up the lion's share of the tab.

Don't believe me?

Take a look at this:

More than 18,100 of the district's 86,902 registered voters cast ballots, and officials were satisfied with the 21 percent turnout.

No shit they were satisfied with the low turnout: they got what they wanted.

21% turned out to vote. Pathetic. But just how the powers that be in 196 like it. The district employs 4000 people, 2,100 of which are teachers. Do you think that may have played a role in the passage of the three levies, two of which passed by a margin of 3200 or less?

Could be.

These referenda have become thinly disguised railroad jobs. Even more disgusting is that the district apparently didn't need the money:

Rosemount-Apple Valley-Eagan has almost $30 million in reserves, but the balance is dropping. Over the past two years, the district sliced $11.5 million from the budget, eliminating 53 teachers and reducing other costs.

They sliced $11.5 million from the budget so they'd have a pretense to extort more money from the taxpayers. Oh and they cut 53 teachers? Out of over 2,100? Yeouch! That had to hurt.

Oh how I hate them.

Closed circuit to state legislators (I know there are a couple of you or your staff who read KAR): If you're not going to pass a school voucher program in some form thereby forcing me and people like me who choose to send their children to private schools - somewhat mitigating the burden on the "underfunded" public schools - to pay for both my children's education and someone else's, could you at least make one little change to the school levy referendum law? I'll even write it for you, so all you have to do is put in some conforming amendments and introduce the bill.

Here goes:

Minnesota Statutes Section 126C.17, subd. 11 is amended to read:

Subd. 11. Referendum date. (a) Except for a referendum held under paragraph (b), any referendum under this section held on a day other than the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November IN AN EVEN NUMBERED YEAR, must be conducted by mail in accordance with section 204B.46. Notwithstanding subdivision 9, paragraph (b), to the contrary, in the case of a referendum conducted by mail under this paragraph, the notice required by subdivision 9, paragraph (b), must be prepared and delivered by first-class mail at least 20 days before the referendum. NOTWITHSTANDING THE FOREGOING, ANY SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER WHO SUPPORTS AN INCREASE IN THE PROPERTY TAX LEVY WHEN THE SCHOOL DISTRICT IN WHICH THAT BOARD MEMBER SITS HAS MORE THAN $10 MILLION IN RESERVE, SHALL BE LOCKED IN A SMALL ROOM AND BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO A CONTINUOUS LOOP OF THE STARLAND VOCAL BAND'S GREATEST HITS AND SHALL NOT BE ALLOWED TO EAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN SPINACH GRATIN FOR A PERIOD OF NO LESS THAN TWO YEARS.

You don't have to include that later amendment, but the former is non-negotiable.






Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Animal Farm 2: Revenge of the Sheep - Part Three

Part one here; Part two here.

Election day.

Resigned to the fact that his fate was now out of his hands, Fuzzy spent the day with his few supporters in the remote corner of the paddock that he had become quite familiar with over the past several months. Earlier, he put on a brave face, cast his vote, and tried to ignore the constant sarcastic bleating from his fellow sheep.

Thoughts of his other campaign misteps raced through his head. That embarrassing press conference. His agreement to engage in a debate with Bobo that was moderated by Simian - Bobo's own dimwitted brother. Talk about a railroad job...

He laid down and buried his snout in his trotters.

I am a real sheep, am I not?

I was born this way. I have lived my life proudly as a sheep.

To whom do I owe my loyalty? To the sheep or to the whole Barnyard Crew? Are not the cows and the horses residents of the Barnyard as well?

A wave of solace washed over Fuzzy once he understood that he did indeed do the right thing. It would have been a grave mistake to accept that effete idiot Lurch, who had never accomplished anything remotely approaching the successful management of a large integrated farm in his life. There were wolves and coyotes constantly testing the Barnyard fence. Lurch had no idea how to deal with them. And Lurch hadn't the first clue what would happen if he sheared the sheep twice as much and cut back on the amount of grass the cows could eat.

Ironically, the flock constantly referred to Farmer McTree as an "idiot". But by their behavior during this ordeal revealed that it was they who were the idiots. Life in the Barnyard had never been better, yet they instead chose to focus on the irrelevant shiny object dangling just out of their reach.


The votes wouldn't be counted for another several hours. Fuzzy took a swig of water, and resolved never to drink the kool aid again.


Beverly wields her Bitch Stick


Beverly Golberg of St. Paul hates rich people. It might be a case on envy, but I’m putting my money on hate. Good old-fashioned Lefty hate.

The seething hatred the Left loves to heap on people who are successful and live their lives accordingly. The kind of hate they don’t heap on successful Lefties – Barbara Streisand comes to mind – because they have their hearts in the right place.

Beverly is bitter and admits as much, “My mind went spinning out on a deliciously satisfying rampage of finger pointing and blame placing. But after my bitter little tantrum ran its course, I turned my attention to the sweet pleasure I find in living small.”

“Small” is the operative word here. Yes, Beverly, you are a small-minded individual who hates people who have a different definition of success.

I, however would like to thank you for living a small life because it leaves more for me to consume. Enjoy your “one flat of Petunias”, because of you I can now have the 10 I need to make an impact on my front yard.

Thank you also for only purchasing two pairs of shoes. I now have enough for my whole family to have three pairs each (that’s 18 total pairs, not counting the several pairs of hockey skates).

Thank you for having a sidewalk that does not need to be cleared with a snow blower, which leaves more gas for mine.

And your bookshelf stereo uses so little electricity, I can blast my surround sound system until my walls shake.

Thank you, Beverly Golberg of St. Paul, for all you do to make my life easier.

Now, if I may leave you with a small piece of advice: Turn off MPR, it’s melting what’s left of your small brain.