Friday, November 18, 2005

The Breakfast Club 2: KARnies in Stir

[Cue song: Simple Minds' Don't You Forget About Me. It is Saturday. Several shots from behind of 6 different men walking into the entrance of an otherwise empty public library somewhere in Wright County.]

(Da daaaaaa)Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(Da Daaaaaa) Oooooooo oooo ooo ohhhh
(Da daaaaaa)

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You (da da da daaaa) Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You (da da da daaaa)Forget About Me

[The men gather at a couple of large tables in between the stacks.]

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Well, this certainly is a pisser.

NIHILIST WANNABEE BILL: Yeah. I have gifts to wrap. Why the heck do we have to be here anyway?

LEARNEDFOOT: Because the MAWB chicks are mad that I caught them cheating in a meaningless election. It was a blow to their ambitions, and thus their egos. They felt that I needed to be punished.

BILL: But why do we all have to be here?

HOAG: You know how some guy does something bad to a woman, the woman will then impute that wrong to the entire male gender? This is along those same lines. If you'd like more information on this phenomenon, read anything ever written by Maureen Dowd. It's sad, really.

LF: Lest we not forget, Head, none of us did anything wrong. [Notices someone he does not recognize sitting at another table.] Hey, who're you?


LF: Why are you here?

KEV: Those MAWB chicks don't like my frequently misogynistic, though tongue in cheek, writings.

OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY: Typical humorless women. Want a pull off my flask? It's 180-proof brandy. [Holds out his flask]


[Kevin takes a long swig. Meanwhile, Dementee starts gnawing on a large book in the corner of the room.]

KEV: Ooo. That makes me feel tingly.

OPG: Yep, half-a-bottle of this stuff, and I'll have to take you home in a bucket.


[A door flies open, and a diminuative but stern-looking woman stomps into the room, followed by an even smaller, wimpy looking "man".]

CATHY: Okay you worms - let's get one thing straight from the get go - I am in charge here. You will do everything I tell you to do when I tell you to do it. You are being punished by me. I have absolute power here. Do not mess with me. I play soccer. If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns! [Makes bull-horn symbol with her fingers.] As part of your punishment, each of you are to write a 5,000 word essay about why the MAWB Squad would be good global dictators. Any questions?

HOAG: Who's the dork with you?

CATHY: This is Stan. Stan will be my eyes and ears. You won't be able to fart without me knowing it -

LF: Actually, when Dementee farts, everybody knows about it.

[Raucus laughter erupts among the KARnies. Dementee farts. More laughter.]

CATHY: Keep it up gentlemen. Just keep it up... [makes the bull-horns finger symbol again, then storms out of the room, leaving Stan behind.]

KEVIN: So now what do we do?

LF: I know! Let's beat up the twerp!

STAN: Darrrrrr... [drools]

[The KARnies pound the living crap out of Stan leaving him in lump on the floor, face down in a pool of blood and drool.]

HOAG: Heh. That was fun!


[The door flies open again. Cathy walks briskly into the room followed by a large group of dull looking people, many of them drooling. She sees the bloody remains of Stan on the floor, and sniffs.]

CATHY: I have an extra-special diabolically evil punishment for LearnedFoot. These people behind me all wrote letters to the Strib that were mocked by Foot.

[Dementee's eyes grow wide.]

CATHY: Payback's a bitch, ain't it Foot? Now you have to deal with all these angry -

[Dementee pounces, and swallows the lot of the moron mailers whole.]

DEM: *burp*

CATHY: Hrrumph! [Storms out of the room. Goes to the library's computer room and surfs porn.]


[Cathy leaves the detainees alone for a while. During this time, they engage in various hijinx, drug experimentation, and deep heart to heart conversations. In the end, they have gained a better understanding of each other, and indeed, of the human condition.]

BILL: What time is it?

HOAG: Noon.

BILL: It's only noon??!!! When do we get out of here?

LF: Actually we can leave any time we want. Nothing's stopping us. Hell, we didn't even have to come here in the first place.

BILL: Then why did you make us come here?

LF: I figured it would make a good "Breakfast Club" parody.

OPG: I'm out of brandy and I'm bored. I need a beer. F&$% this noise - I'm outta here. Who's with me?

[Everybody nods in agreement]

HOAG: Don't forget: before we leave, we need to drop one more F-bomb so we can get the coveted "R" rating.

[They all look at each other. Momentary silence.]

BILL: F%#$!!! [inmediately covers his mouth with his hands and looks shocked at his own out of character behavior. The others look at him with admiration, proud of his evolution from a milquetoast goody-two-shoes to a rebel. They all laugh warmly.]

KEVIN: What about that essay we were supposed to write?

HOAG: Fuhgiddaboutit. We don't need to do no stinkin' essay.

KEVIN: You know, I think I'd like to leave one anyway. [Grabs a piece of paper and a pen, and quickly scribbles something while The Head reads it over his shoulder. When Kevin finishes writing, the Head nods approvingly.]

HOAG: Boys - I think this guy might be one of us now. [Slaps Kevin on the shoulder.]

[Music begins to swell. Cut to a shot of the library entrance. One by one the detainees walk out of the library. Dementee looks back over his shoulder and sees Cathy looking out the window, having a hissy fit at the KARnies' impudence. He flips her the bird. Cut back to inside the library. Cathy runs into the stacks area to chase the boys down. She notices Kevin's essay laying on a table and stops. She picks it up and reads it. After a moment her face contorts to a visage of complete digust, and she slams the paper down onto the table. The camera zooms in to reveal what is written on the page: "Get bent!"

Bill is the last to exit the building. He pumps his fist in the air. Freeze frame. Credits.]

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :La la la la la. La la la la. La la la la la la la la...

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