Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ex Cathedra

I know that there are some who hesitate reading some of Dementee's longer posts. I can understand how it may be hard for some to wade through the highly concentrated bile and the often Andy Aplikowski-like syntax.

But Dementee's keen eye hits on something here. It serves as a window into the capricious black souls of those public servants who not only wish to convince others that they know better, but have already convinced themselves:

[Dementee:] Next on [our] list of fascists is the mayor himself:

[Quote:] "The mayor believes that the vast majority of St. Paul residents support the smoking ban, though he certainly respects the right of bar owners to move forward with a referendum," said Coleman's spokesman, Bob Hume. "In 10 years, we will look back and wonder why we ever allowed smoking in bars and restaurants, just as we do today with office buildings and hospitals."

[Dementee:] Notice the wording, “…why we ever allowed…”,

I don't know which will be sadder to watch: St. Paul sinking into oblivion under the leadership of these arrogant jerkballs, or that the city's descent into a swamp of mediocrity (or worse) will fail to drag the arrogant jerkballs down with it.

The Real Freedom Fighters

While I don’t have a great deal of confidence that this will do anything more than slow the momentum of the freedom-hating fascist pigs who run government in St. Paul, or the self-righteous, smug a-holes like our friend Bob at AMA or Jeanne Weigum from Association of Nonsmokers-Minnesota (who hates billboards and city lights as much as she hates smoke), I hope it will force the aforementioned fascist pigs and a-holes to spend a small fortune to defend their anti-independence actions.

Almost as disturbing as the ban, is the attitude of the jerks who favor it.

Dave Thune is one of the most arrogant pieces of fecal matter to come along in quite a while. He pushes a ban that will kill small businesses and then has the balls to propose tax dollars be used to help them survive:

Thune said he already is weighing an effort to provide city financial assistance to small-bar owners, perhaps financing for building outdoor patios or other improvements to ease the impact of going cold turkey on smoking this spring.

But the feces really start flying when he puts the blame not on his anti-American, freedom hating, fascist law, but on other bar owners:

"I think some vocal, well-off bar owners are really turning on the neighborhood pubs," said Thune, who is a smoker. "It's the little guys that are going to suffer."

Thune is a shameless bastard.

Next on or list of fascists is the mayor himself:

"The mayor believes that the vast majority of St. Paul residents support the smoking ban, though he certainly respects the right of bar owners to move forward with a referendum," said Coleman's spokesman, Bob Hume. "In 10 years, we will look back and wonder why we ever allowed smoking in bars and restaurants, just as we do today with office buildings and hospitals."

Notice the wording, “…why we ever allowed…”,

These Lefties kill me. They actually believe rights are given to us by governement. Perhaps they should reread the founding documents.

And these dirt bags are concerned about Justice Alito?

I wonder what other things we are allowed to do are on Comrade Coleman’s list for extermination.

Then there are Moffitt and Weigum:

"There certainly are risks involved for them," Weigum said of supporters of a repeal. "I don't think they can win the public health battle, but they've always argued the public didn't want it. … If they lose, it takes away their last protection, and they'll probably lose the entire state."

She’s right about one thing: winning on the subject of public health won’t work because the lies she and her comrades have been spewing are so ingrained in the minds of the ignorant – like Thune – it is almost impossible to reverse the damage.

How does this bitch live with herself? She thinks nothing of the freedom of others. All she gives a damn about is Jeanne and what Jeanne wants.

Mark my words: This elitist broad and her spineless sidekick Bob will come after smokers in their homes after they succeed in eradicating it from every other venue.

I wonder how Thune will react when the Smoking Police kick his door in and drag his ass to jail for smoking in his own home. I can’t wait to hear him cry, “What about my rights.”

Sorry Dave, you gave up your rights when you made a deal with the devil and jumped on the anti-smoking bandwagon.



You Can't Beat Meat!

The Strib published a howler today by something named David Banks. In the interests of equal time (and because I am in the pocket of Big Meat) (Whoa! That didn't sound very good) (Yet it makes me giggle uncontrollably) I offer a rebuttal.

So, you're a vegetarian or vegan who is sick of going to bed hungry every night? You think you may be teetering on the verge of partaking of the flesh? Here are a few thoughts to push you over to the Reality-Based Diet Community:

1) Everything you've been told about the health benefits of tofu is a lie:

An American Heart Association committee reviewed a decade of studies on soy's benefits and came up with results that are now casting doubt on the health claim that soy-based foods and supplements significantly lower cholesterol.

The findings could lead the Food and Drug Administration to reevaluate rules that allow companies to tout a cholesterol-lowering benefit on the labels of soy-based food.

The panel also found that neither soy nor the soy component isoflavone reduced symptoms of menopause, such as ``hot flashes,'' and that isoflavones do not help prevent breast, uterine or prostate cancer. Results were mixed on whether soy prevented postmenopausal bone loss.

There. So if the only reason you eat that crap is because you are going through your, um, life changes, you've got an out.

2) Cows are yummy!

3) Banks writes that we ought to have "empathy" for tasty animals. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "empathy" thus:

[T]he action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Now, if you are able to vicariously experience the feelings, the experiences, and - especially - the thoughts of a chicken, your problems run way way deeper than your diet. I can safely say that the only "experience" of a cow that I ever understood was when I burned my hand on the grill when flipping a New York Strip.

4) Contrary to what Banks asserts, quality of life (and death) doesn't matter. It's a fecking cow.

5) You know those four pointy teeth you have toward the front of your mouth? They're called canines. Their purpose is to tear flesh.

6) If you're an Italian vegetarian, say goodbye to Sunday Gravy. Not only is this one of the most meat-intensive comfort foods ever invented, many versions of this dish also include veal!

(And I make a damn fine gravy, if I do say so my damn self.)

(Just ask the Notorious B.I.L, who has had it, and will be supping on it again this Sunday.)

(I have really gotta stop with the parentheticals.)

7) Without meat we'd have little use for barbecue sauce.

8) An all vegetable diet makes you poop a lot. And don't get me started on the farts. Or the breath. It's better to keep "nature's broom" (leafy vegetables) in the closet, until you actually need to be cleaned out. How much has the nation's GDP suffered due to the lost productivity of vegetarians who are constantly sitting on the can?

9) Finally, like that drooling doorknob Banks said: it's not easy to avoid meat. There's a reason for that.

New Sidebar Feature

Noticing the success of our Open Threads for Sisyphus series, Sisyphus' cohort The Nihilist in Golf Pants has also offered to contribute to the overall excellence of KAR. On the sidebar, you will note our new feature, "Nihilist's Best-of-the-Web" - a compendium of the web sites the Nihilist loves and thinks are worth frequenting.


NOTE: This new feature has absolutely nothing to do with KAR's losing the #1 spot on the Nihilist's Top 11 blogs to Fraters Libertas. If, however, NIGP wants to deal, we're listening.

Musings of a Rich Guy

I did my taxes over the weekend and was pleased to discover that I am rich. Actually I had an inkling that I might be rich last year, but now I know for sure. Given that the Bush tax cuts had somewhat of an impact on my federal return last year, and a noticeable impact this year, I must be rich. After all, I keep hearing these bloated windbags in Congress and elsewhere telling me that those tax breaks were for the "rich". Res ipsa loquitur.

Of course it didn't hurt that you can deduct your state, local and property taxes on your federal return (*big* deduction if you're a MN taxpayer). Oh - that's another reason why I know I'm rich. Since Minnesota has a long and storied history of not giving tax breaks to the rich, and I again got rear-ended this year on my Minnesota bill, it confirms my status as a "rich" guy.

As a quick aside for all you Minnesota filers out there: did you ever notice that many of the available Minnesota tax credits seem to be set up for the benefit of maybe one or two people? Most of them read like:

If your adjusted gross income is more than $38,337 but not more than $39,005, and you or a qualifying spouse have a prosthetic arm that is orange or ochre in color, and you claim at least one dependent on this year's return that has been treated for gout in the past three years, then you qualify for the Prosthetic Gout Tax Credit in an amount not to exceed $12.46.

But I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah: I'm rich.

I'll be getting a big refund from my federal return soon. I have big plans for that money:

- Pay the $120 I owe Minnesota for underwithholding yet again;

- Pay off the discrepancy in my escrow account to make up for ISD 196's latest butt raping;

- Subsidize sales taxes I may pay throughout the year;

- Subsidize all the gas taxes I will pay throughout the year;

- Utility surcharges and fees;

- Renew my vehicle tabs;

- With what's left, I'll buy a 12 pack of premium domestic beer and a couple of cigars, (along with their attendant excise taxes, and "fees".)

Monday, January 30, 2006

Thank You Howard Dean

Howard “The Duck” Dean is showing himself to be the perfect chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Take a gander at this one.

This guy is corrupt, incompetent or completely ineffective. Whichever it is, the Dems are in heap-big trouble. Just 9 months away from the midterm election and the DNC has a mere $5.5 million in the bank to the RNC’s $34 million.

What amazes is that Howard traveled the country to rally the troupes. He visited every state – or was going to – to raise money and build the momentum necessary to reestablish Lefty control of the House and Senate.

Looks like Dr. Dean is being a successful at this as his own Presidential campaign.

True, the election is some time off and that will be the real proof whether Howie knows what the hell he is doing, but you gotta like the GOP’s chances.

I thank God every day that the Left has taken control of the Democrat Party. With Cindy Sheehan contemplating a run for the Senate and Howie going on Fox News Sunday to peddle his “The economy sucks” bilge, the Republicans have very, very little to worry about.

Let these stumblebums have the floor – forever. Before long the Left in this country will end up destroying itself – the last best hope for Socialism on the face of the earth.

Open Thread for Sisyphus - or - Silverchair Can Teach Us a Lot About How I'm Not Blogging Today

You're gonna have to wait, bad boy
Bad boyeee -
Wait 'til tomorrow. -- Silverchair

Sisyphus only, please.

Monday Moron Mail Mad Lib

I couldn't resist:

If [FEMALE FICTIONAL CHARACTER] is running for governor simply to [VERB], well, that's good enough for me. However, having known [ACADEMIC SUBJECT] for some time, I know that she is not as one-dimensional as her [NOUN - PLURAL] would make her out to be.

When [SAME FICTIONAL CHARACTER AS ABOVE] says she'll fight government's violation of individual [NOUN] rights, she means across the board -- including improper use of [NOUN - PLURAL].


For those who don't know, Mark "Smokey McSmokesmoke" Wernimont is a former (current?) MOBster, and decidedly not a moron.

When News Judgment Disappears

Does ABC intend to lead every freaking newscast with this story?

Since yesterday every damned radio newscast has started with an update on Woodruff and Vogt.

Enough is enough. Get to the real news.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Blog Mart

A weekly survey of the pulse of the blogosphere. (For more about the reasons behind this exercise in banality, click here.)

the blog mart learnedfoot

Red lycra-clad moonbat causes stir

The blogs were all atwitter this week about the release of a photo showing British MP George "The Animal" Galloway wearing a shiny red skin-tight leotard. Many bloggers seized on the MP's fashion faux pas, and piled on the scorn and ridicule. Blogger Learned Foot of Kool Aid Report blog (1) twisted one of Galloway's own quotes, writing: "You once were a corrupt flaming moonbat. Now, you are a retarded-looking gay robot, dancing with a transvestite."

However, Chief from the Freedom Dogs blog (2) envisioned the spandex beclad Galloway more as a Godzilla-like monster wreaking havoc on downtown Tokyo. Meanwhile Sisyphus at the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog (3) hypothesized that Galloway "was convinced by Christopher Hitchens that chicks love a guy in a red bodysuit."

Bloggers take self-assessment quizzes to find out which inanimate object they are

As is often their wont, many bloggers took fun online personality inventories discover what metaphorical object they might be. Blogger Doug Williams of the Bogus Gold blog (4) discovered that if he were a car, he would surely be a Porsche. Meanwhile Jerry Plagge of the SD63 blog (5) found out that his Hillbilly name would be "Butch Tucker."

But not all the quizzes bloggers took this week turned out positively. For instance, blogger Kathy of the Cake Eater Chronicles Blog (6) was chagrined to discover that her answers to a quiz indicated that she "smells like butt."

Apparently online personality quizzes aren't for everybody. Once again, nobody at the Kool Aid Report blog(7) participated in one.

Bloggers are dorky

Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine released its Hipster Survey this week, and bloggers were not amused. Blogger Chad from the Fraters Libertas blog (8) snarked: "It's tough to decide which one of these folks you'd least like to have to spend ten minutes with." Tacitly suggesting that the proclivities of so-called "hipsters" are just a wee bit pretentious and out of the mainstream, blogger Learned Foot of the Kool Aid Report blog (9) offered an alternative survey with more blogger appropriate questions such as "Where do you beer?" and "Why are you so damn ugly?"

Wonkette update

Wonkette (10) still sucks.

Bloggers excoriate morons

A lot of bloggers wrote about morons this week. Blogger Dementee of the Kool Aid Report blog (11) had this to say about a smoking ban proponent: "Kathy you are an ignorant, arrogant piece-of-crap moron."

From the left side of the blogosphere, blogger Smartie of the Power Liberal blog (12) gave his own slant on the tried and true fisking of a moronic letter to the Strib (with his apologies to the Kool Aid Report blog (13)), by titling a post "Moron Mail."


1 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
2 Freedom Dogs - http://www.freedomdogs.com/
3 The Nihilist in Golf Pants - http://www.nihlist.blogspot.com/
4 Bogus Gold - http://bogusgold.com/
5 SD63 - http://sd63.blogspot.com/
6 Cake Eater Chronicles - http://cakeeaterchronicles.mu.nu/
7 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
8 Fraters Libertas - http://www.fraterslibertas.com/
9 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
10 Wonkette - (URL currently unavailable)
11 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
12 The Power Liberal - http://powerliberal.blogspot.com/
13 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/


Absolute zero.

Unfortunately for Jermaine O'Neal and the Indiana Pacers, a torn groin [shutter] will sideline the formidable power forward for 8 weeks. Fortunately for the rest of us, 99.7% of all bloggers are men, meaning few can overcome the empathy pains to write about it. Even the sole blogger who did so had trouble finishing the post.

Moron Mail

This will have to be a drive-by fisking as I'm working on this week's Blog Mart.

Fortunately, it's all too easy.


Get a dictionary

[heh. -ed]

I was so surprised to see the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee -- all voting the party line, as usual -- castigating their Democratic colleagues for voting the party line. Seems that when the Democrats do it, it's called partisanship, but when Republicans do it, it's just called being right.

What will the next sound bite be?


Well, Wayne, it appears that the next soundbite will be: "Seems that when the Democrats do it, it's called partisanship, but when Republicans do it, it's just called being right."

To illustrate the Dem's unprecedented douchebagginess - and the Republican's relative deference to the president's Supreme Court nominees - when it comes to partisanship, let's flashback to the Clinton appointees:

In 1993 the senate confirmed former ACLU moonbat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Court 96-3. Hint: there were more than 3 Republicans in the Senate at the time (I believe there were even more than 8).

In 1994, Justice Stephen "Foreign Law Should Have Precedential Value" Breyer was confirmed 87-9 by the Senate. Hint: There were a lot more than 8 Republicans in the Senate at the time. They may have even had enough to pull off a filibuster.

Take your "partisanship" whining and blow it out your butt. Your guys are being intransigent dickweeds, not ours. So shove it.

From the KAR Sports Desk

Not that the NBA is real basketball, but the Pacers are in trouble:

Jermaine O'Neal is expected to miss at least eight weeks with a left groin tear, leaving the Indiana Pacers without their leading scorer and rebounder.

He tore his groin???!!!


[Here LearnedFoot crosses his legs in an uncomfortable fashion.]


Sweet. Holy. Crap.

He tore his groin!

Owie owie owie owie owie!

[Breathing deeply]


I agree with a Star & Sickle letter

Stop the presses. I actually agree with this.

Race should play no role in who runs the schools in Minneapolis, or anywhere.

Remind me why David Jennings was run out of town. That’s right, because leaders in the African-American Community didn’t want a white guy taking over.

These are the same frauds who tripped all over themselves to kiss the feet of Thandiwe Peebles (who just resigned because she is a bigger fraud the so-called leaders).

Anyone who knows anything knows the trifecta of having a superintendent who is a black woman with an African name means great things for the schools.

Of course, she didn’t have the proper credentials. Her education was not what it needed to be and she turned out to be an academic cheat.

That worked out pretty well.

Remind me, again, why David Jennings was run out of town: A man with an impeccable reputation and years of public service under his belt, a man who helped turn the “business” of the Minneapolis schools around.

That’s right, because the black frauds in Minneapolis didn’t like the color of his skin.

I guess we know who the racist pigs are.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Katherine Kersten is a Shameless Hack

I can’t believe the Star Tribune, newspaper of record in the Twin Cities, continues to print the ranting of Katherine Kersten. She is always on the wrong side of the issues, packs her work with lies, and continues to write about people who are evil and a danger to our way of life.

When will the wise editors of this fine paper see fit to remove her from their pages?

Today’s Kersten column is more of the same. Lie after lie spills from this obvious work of fiction.

Does Kersten actually expect us to believe that any woman possessing more than a third grade education would choose to become a nun when the world offers so much more?

Give me a break.

I don’t know how stupid she thinks we are, but who among us really believes that a young, smart woman would choose to live in Siberia and work with the poor.

C’mon, Katherine. People like this don’t really exist and, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t take the time to talk with an evil conservative like you.

Their hate of freedom is getting more obvious

The pointy-headed elites at the Star & Sickle have fired the latest salvo in the Government-should-regulate-every-aspect-of-your-life-except-abortion-battle and they are looking to Blue Cross to lead the way.

I’m going to take this one part by freedom-threatening part:

Editorial: Better lifestyles can reduce health costs
Blue Cross launches "Prevention Minnesota."

I love the “no shit Sherlock” headline. State the obvious, but ignore their conclusion: …And government should force us to live “better lifestyles”

Mark Banks has made Minnesota an offer it shouldn't refuse: lower future health care costs in exchange for committing to a healthier lifestyle. Less smoking, more exercise, better community design, better diet -- that's the deal.

More “no shit” from the elites with a bit of foreshadowing of how involved government should be – “better community design” – but it won’t stop there.

Banks, the CEO of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Minnesota, announced Monday that his company would invest its remaining share of the historic 1994 tobacco settlement -- $241 million -- in preventing diseases caused largely by lifestyle choices. If Minnesotans could just cut their smoking by half, double their exercise, build walkable communities and substitute fruits and vegetables for half of the junk food they eat, then health care costs would decline by $1.5 billion a year, Banks said.

Isn’t that the same $214 million that BC/BS said their policy holders overpaid because of “big tobacco?” The same $214 million they refused to give back to the policy holders who overpaid? Now this charlatan is telling me that he has a way to reduce health care costs by $1.5 billion annually? What he’s not saying is that we will never realize that savings, that it will go directly to the bottom line of his non-profit company.

What sounds so reasonable, however, will require huge doses of personal responsibility and public policy changes.

There it is. Personal responsibility and, because we can’t trust you yahoos to live properly, we need the force of government to make sure you show up at the town square every morning for calisthenics and a 5K run.

People must begin to see their behavior as damaging not only to themselves but to the wider society.

The great rationale for all things increasing government control – your actions, you selfish pigs, damage yourself and “wider society.”

Everyone ends up paying for obesity and the diseases it spawns.

So charge the lard-asses what they owe and leave me out of it.

Everyone ends up paying for the smoking habits of a few.

Again, send them an invoice and leave me alone.

The "right" to indulge in unhealthy behavior is not absolute.

Eat me (that would be unhealthy)! Show me where government has a “right” to regulate how much unhealthy behavior I indulge in. Take a look at the Constitution and show me where what I eat is covered.

Public policy should, at the very least, find ways to reward healthy behavior.

I’ve already figured that out: LEAVE ME ALONE.

A statewide smoking ban in most bars and restaurants would be a good start.

Only a good start? What’s next, smoking bans in our homes, rationing of alcohol so people don’t drink too much. Why don’t we just prohibit the sale, possession and use of tobacco and alcohol? Let’s also ban deep fried foods while we’re at it.

Far higher investments in public transit would help wean people from excessive dependence on driving for every trip.

What? If I’m in the car, on the bus, or riding the train I’m sitting on my ass. So what the hell does public transit have to do with anything? Let’s just ban cars from the roads. We can turn all the roads into walking and bike trails. Will that satisfy your desire to run my life?

Land-use incentives would help communities design walking into people's daily lives.
Communities without sidewalks, parks, neighborhood stores or transit options are not healthy communities.

What a crock of shit this one is. Who makes this crap up? This group of elitist snobs actually advocates that government “design walking into people’s daily lives?” How do we do that? Let’s start by confiscating all the drivers’ licenses.

Schools that promote soft drinks and high-fat, high-sugar menus in their lunch programs are not healthy schools. Governments that tolerate and perpetuate poverty and hopelessness are not healthy governments.

Holy hell. What kind of illegal drugs are these brain-dead morons ingesting? If these assholes want to see an unhealthy government they need look no farther than their friend and comrade Fidel Castro’s Cuba.

Indeed, as the New York Times made so clear in its recent series on Type 2 Diabetes, poverty is a huge driver of disease, caused both by poor people's self-destructive lifestyles and by the market economy's eagerness to provide unhealthy products.

Remember way back at the beginning, when we started wading into this bucket of moonbat vomit, they mentioned – in passing – personal responsibility. Since that one mention all they’ve done is ask government to step in solve the problem.

In a wider sense, the biggest enemy may be people's perceptions -- regardless of income -- that they lack the time in daily life for exercise and a proper diet.

Finally, a shot at the way people choose to live their lives. Maybe I misjudged the pointy-headed ones.

The fast food and tobacco industries play off people’s busy lifestyles. And politicians – increasingly so in Minnesota – emphasize the individual’s right to unhealthy behavior over the wider costs to society.

So much for misjudging. Let’s blame tobacco and fast food. Neither of which people are forced to consume. And damn the politicians who put the rights of the individual first. Screw the unhealthy behavior qualification; these jerks want government to play a much bigger role in regulating every aspect of our lives (except abortion). Let’s rewrite the sentence this way and see how it plays: “And politicians emphasize the individual’s right to engage in offensive speech over wider society’s right to not be offended.” This is where hate speech ordinances come from.
Smugness is another enemy. We Minnesotans love to congratulate ourselves for our middling-to-high ranking on many health indicators. But Banks asks the relevant question: “What if Minnesotans were healthier?”

What if we were healthier? That would be great, but it aint the job of government to force it on us!!

We still have rights! And, God willing, freedom-hating jackasses like you will not change that.

Isn't there just one Lefty out there who feels more than a bit concerned by this? Surely one of you must be uncomfortable by what the S&S PHE's are recommending.

If you are out there, please show yourself. I promise we will take you in and protect you from the vile hatred that will be thrown at you.

Moron Mail

I think if we extrapolated this guy's observation to its logical conclusion, nobody would meet the qualifications to be governor:

Jeffers' motivation

Now I see that outspoken bar owner Sue Jeffers wants to run for governor ("Bar owner, smoking-ban critic is planning to run for governor," Jan. 20). It is very clear to me that the only reason she wants the position is to get rid of a smoking ban that has hurt her business.

Sounds like a conflict of interest to me.


Let's check the Minnesota Constitution to see if Jeffers is disqualified:

Art. 5, sec. 2:

TERM OF GOVERNOR AND LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR; QUALIFICATIONS. The term of office for the governor and lieutenant governor is four years and until a successor is chosen and qualified. Each shall have attained the age of 25 years and, shall have been a bona fide resident of the state for one year next preceding his election, and shall be a citizen of the United States.

Furthermore, because the purpose of the govenment of the great state of Minnesota is to dictate to its citizens what is and is not acceptable, eschewing the idea of "participatory democracy," no candidate for the office of governor shall espouse any pet issue that everybody knows might benefit the candidate
. Nothing in this section shall be construed to prohibit Independent School District 196 from repeatedly butt-raping its taxpayers.

Well I'll be damned. Garcia is right!

Or rather he would be if I hadn't made that second paragraph up.

Sure most conflicts of interest are verboten. However, there are certain conflicts that are acceptable if disclosed.

The genius of a democratic system is not only that government officials are accountable directly to their constituents via the ballot, but also that there are few legal barriers preventing folks to run themselves. Jeffers' candidacy is refreshing because it is a throwback to the citizen (as opposed to the carreer) politician. She sees the need for an effective advocate on a certain issue. She offers to fill that need.

How eeeeevil!

What really pushes this letter into the "Moron Mail" category is the almost palpable selective indignation inherent in it. Would Garcia here feel the same way if Jeffers decided to run for mayor because the city condemned her house to make way for a more tax-revenue intensive use?

No. Then she'd be a "hero".

But if we applied this dimbulb's "logic" uniformly, then nobody remotely connected with the American Lung Association should be able to run for office either. After all, they'd be able to save all that money they spend on lobbying, ads and public outreach by passing one draconian law. Where would all that extra money go?

Sounds like a conflict of interest to me.

The Blogster Survey

Since MSP Magazine somehow forgot to include bloggers in their Hipster Survey, I thought that I could do my part to fill the void. I request that all bloggers fill out the following survey (modified from the original for this audience, so that the majority of the answers won't be "huh?" or "what? are you gay or something?") to better educate others about what exactly makes a blogster tick.

UPDATED: I added another question.

Other than the Kool Aid Report, what is your fave blog?

What is the best thing you can say about Willie Clark?

Where do you breakfast?

Where do you dinner?

Where do you afternoon snack?

Other than LearnedFoot, who is the hottest male blogger?

Other than Uncle Ben, who is the hottest female blogger?

Wi-fi, cable modem or dialup?

Mitch Berg or JB Doubtless?

Why are you so damn ugly?

Where do you beer?

Arsenal or Everton?

Where do you news?

Why don't you work out? (You really need to.)

What's an arts organization that you've never heard of?

Dude, do you, like, totally party?

Where is your favorite place to stand in line for a free burrito?

Hear me now - whenever I see someone inventing a new meme, it makes me want to X that person in the Y.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

If Bob is a turd, what is Kathy Lantry?

I read the article Learnedfoot referenced in his earlier post and agree that Bob is a lying turd.

What wasn’t addressed in the post is a nickname for Kathy Lantry, St. Paul City Council president. Her quote from that same story reveals her complete disinterest in the free market and her belief in the absolute authority of government to do what it will:

“Sometimes there are negative economic impacts and smaller businesses won’t make it, but those conditions could occur even if there isn’t a smoking ban,” she said.

Kathy you are an ignorant, arrogant piece-of-crap moron.

If the economy turns sour and businesses close, or if someone mismanages their business and is forced to shut their doors that is a natural part the free market.

If you can’t see the difference between that and the force of government regulations driving bars and restaurants out of business, then you shouldn’t be allowed to sit on the council, let alone be its president.

How big an idiot must you be to put your decision to screw with peoples lives on the same level as an economic downturn or their own incompetence to operate a profitable business.

You and your f$#&ing comrades on the totalitarian left are a danger to the rights of each and every citizen – whether they see it or not – and you should be drummed out of office at the earliest opportunity.

You make me sick with your condescending bullshit; you and your sycophantic toadies who want the government to protect them from their own shadows and wipe their asses when they load their pants after reading the latest regurgitated monkey spleen-loaded report from the American Lung Association.

It is my hope that each and every one of you go start raving mad from living in hermetically sealed biohazard suits and that you all die from hyper-anxiety brought on by an intense fear leaving your house.

How Not to be an Effective Advocate; or: Bob From the ALA is a Lying Turd

When advocating a cause, one of the most effective techiniques you can employ is to anticipate your opponent's arguments in advance and preemptively refute them.

However, if you decide to not acknowledge your opponent's arguments, it's a really bad idea to lie by affimatively asserting that there is no evidence contrary to your position.

But if you do lie, it is a really REALLY bad idea to link to an article that you use to support your position - and that you just lied about it containing nothing to the contrary - when anybody with a reading ability at 6th grade level and a command of the usage of hyperlinks can expose your lie. It tends to impugn your either cred or your intelligence. Usually both.

Which brings us to Bob "I Look Like Ned Flanders" Moffitt, the local mouthpiece for the American Lung Association (Motto: Saving you from yourself no matter the cost, whether you like it or not.) Those of you who are familiar with the local blogs are already aware of Ubiquitous Bob. For those of you who are not: as far as I can gather, Bob's job consists of doing Technorati searches for the phrase "smoking ban," leaving taunting and propagandistic comments on the posts that turn up from that search, and then making himself invisible whenever someone challenges him on his "facts." Another duty of his is updating the ALA-Minnesota's blog (I am assuming that Bob does the blog here, but it's a safe assumption since the style, tone and content of the postings are very similar to Bob's frequent comment spam. Even if it isn't Bob who updates the blog, whomever it is was cut from the same flaccid substance and deserves ridicule).

Normally, I eschew cheap, facile "gotcha" posts. But in this case, considering the souce and the outright bald-faceyness of the lie, I'm making an exception.

Today, Bob (or whomever) writes (emphasis mine):

Several weeks after the votes were cast, the Minnesota Daily reports on the St. Paul smoking ban. As usual, the intrepid student reporters fanned out, looking for disgruntled bar owners to interview. Oddly enough, they quoted only Minneapolis bar bosses...

And then Bob goes on to quote from the article a statement from the owner of Big 10 Subs (YUMMY!) saying that "everything's peachy!". After the lengthy quote, Bob concludes:

Hmm, cleaner workplace, no loss of business. Sounds like quite an "ordeal" doesn't it?

For "balance" Bob quotes a "liquor lobbyist" who has slight misgivings about the ban. But it's just one guy's opinion. No data or anything.

Flash back to that passage I emphasized in the first paragraph. Now read the article to which he links. Turns out there was a St. Paul "bar boss" interviewed. And he wasn't saying what Bob wanted to hear (emphasis mine):

Brian Miller, manager of Dixies on Grand in St. Paul, said he appreciates that the ban is devoted to his employees’ health and makes for a more enjoyable dining experience. But he said he thinks it should be up to the business owners to decide.

Miller said Dixies’ food sales increased while their liquor sales decreased.

“The smoking ban has significantly hurt our late-night business,” he said.

He said they have a patio with heaters installed so people who want to smoke can step outside and be comfortable

Get that? Dixie's (also YUMMY!) makes accomodations for their smoking clientelle, yet their business still took a hit.

To recap:

* Bob says nobody in St. Paul was interviewed in the article he cites.

* Bob says cited article revealed no loss of business.

* A bar owner in St. Paul was in fact interviewed in the cited article.

* Interviewed bar owner did say his bar in fact lost business.


Bob is a lying piece of filth.

NOTE TO BOB: Remember, this blog is designated as "no fascism" only. Every comment you make here subjects you to a $250 fine.

The 4 Most Loathsome People in America

Numbers 4 through 1: Allan Uthman, Paul Jones, Ian Murphy, Chris Riordan

CHARGES: The worst of all creatures in the political Jungle: cretins who think they're geniuses. A foursome of drooling moonbats who repeatedly mistake "tactless" for "clever," and "unfunny" for "funny". They actually believe they are at the apex - the cutting edge - of avant garde intellect, and they let you know about it every chance they get. They are smart, you are dumb. And if you had two brain cells to rub together, you would have realized that by now.

A little self-deprecation can go a long way. Unfortunately that would take precious bandwith that they could otherwise use to tell you how stupid you are.

EXHIBIT A: Number 4 of their 50 most Loathsome People in America list (the BTK killer is #9):

4. You

Charges: Silently enabling and contributing to the irreversible destruction of your planet. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to do anything about it that your immediate neighbors don’t. Assuming that it’s normal behavior to spend several hours each day totally inert and staring into a cathode ray tube. Substituting antidepressants for physical motion. Caring more about the personal relationships of people you will never meet than your own. Shrugging your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. Cheering this process on.

Exhibit A: You don’t even know who your congressman is.

Sentence: Deathbed realization that your entire life was an unending series of stupid mistakes and wasted opportunities, a priceless gift of potential extravagantly squandered, for which you deserve nothing but scorn or, at best, indifference, and a cold, meaningless demise.

SENTENCE: A freak train derailment throws a railroad spike into each of their brains causing them all to fall into a persistent vegetative state. Because they didn't have the foresight to draft an advance directive, and because their families and friends - whom these four have all alienated due to their perpetual condescention - want to enjoy this, they are all kept on a feeding tube for 20 years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Galloway Update

Because we are your Fire-Engine-Red-Leotarded-Shmoo leader, we direct you to the further coverage of Gallowayspandexgate:

More Photoshop chicanery. (Did anybody notice our new header art?)

Sisyphus has a top 11 list.

The KAR Great Debate Series

MODERATOR: Hello and welcome to this, the first of KAR's Great Debates series. Today's topic is: Will the Seattle Seahawks will win the Super Bowl? Taking the "yes" position is LearnedFoot. British MP George Galloway will be arguing in the negative. The contestants will begin with a two-minute opening statement. Mr. Foot, you may begin.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you, Bernie. The Seahawks will win the Super Bowl this year. There are many reasons to believe this will be the outcome: they have one of the best coaches in the league, they have the best running back and quarterback in the NFL, and they have a very underrated defense. Now, there are those that will say that the Steelers are red-hot with a stifling defense. Many will point to the almost super-human play of Pittsburgh linebacker Troy Paaalomofo Pallomallo Papaumawmaw-o Banaiaiaian, er, you know - the dude with the hair. But I submit that history shows that when the West Coast Offense is run to near-perfection with superior personnel, no defense can stop it. The Seahawks are in such a position right now.

MODERATOR: Your opening statement, Mr. Galloway?

GEORGE GALLOWAY: I know that standards have slipped over the last few years in Washington but for a lawyer you are remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice. In everything I said... I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong.

LF: Justice? Justice? Are you asserting that the Steelers have some right or entitlement to this championship? That may be the most elitist and presumptuous thing I have ever heard! Oh and by the way, Washington isn't even in the Super Bowl. They barely even made the playoffs. And I'd also like to hear your argument as to why Bill Cowher is a better coach than Mike Holmgren.

GG: He's all washed up, like Sonny Liston.

LF: Are you freaking kidding me? He took a dead-in-the-water franchise and took it to the Super Bowl within 5 years!

GG: What we have witnessed is something unique in natural history. It's the first metamorphosis of a butterfly back into a slug.

LF: While I might agree that leaving the Packers for another team is tantamount to coaching de-evolution, it doesn't diminish the success that Holmgren has had at that historically sorry franchise. Do you think it was luck? Do you think the Seahawks success came out of thin air?

GG: You may believe [it] came out of a clear blue sky. But [it] came out of a swamp of hatred created by us!

LF: First of all, I just said that I didn't believe it came out of the clear blue sky! Second of all, what in the hell are you talking about? And while I still have the floor, may I point out to the judges that Mr. Galloway as is his custom - is long on rhetorical flourishes but has yet to back up one assertion he has made. Shit, I don't even think he's made an assertion yet!

GG: This is the mother of all smoke screens!

LF: *sigh*

GG: You're a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay! Your hands are shaking. You badly need another drink.

LF: "Popinjay." Heh! That means a lot coming from a jerk-off wearing a red-spandex leotard. And yes, I have been known to have a snifter of brandy at Christmas, and I may even have a beer or two during while watching the big game. Remember that -the Super Bowl - the subject of this debate? But I am hardly "drink-soaked." And as for the "Trotskyite" remark -

GG: You traduced my name around the world without ever having asked me a single question, without ever having contacted me, without ever having written to me -


[Dementee leaps to the stage and eats Galloway]

MODERATOR: Let's call it a draw. We hope to see you back again for our next installment of KAR's Great Debates.

(NOTE: All of GG's quotes used herein can be found here here or here.)

Fade to Blackberry

You are too cool for school. You've got that sweet bomber jacket, your hair slicked back and your Wayfarers on, baby. And when you're not wearing those Ray Bans, you wear those fly non-prescription glasses that are tinted ever-so-slightly yellow like Bono often wears. You are the president of the Avril Lavigne fan club ("The Sk8er Boi Network"), and you were the first person in your neighborhood to get the X-box 360. The world is your ashtray.

Oh, and you are geared up with your Blackberry. You are hooked up, logged on, plugged in. Your thumbs do more before 9 am than most people's entire bodies do all day. You get text-messaged so often that sometimes your peeps have to queue up in the ether to fire you an abreviation-laden snark.

Uh oh:

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday rejected an appeal by Research In Motion Ltd., leaving intact a patent-infringement ruling that threatens to shut down BlackBerry e-mail service to as many as 3 million of the company's U.S. customers.

The justices, without comment in Washington, refused to consider RIM's arguments that a federal appeals court improperly extended U.S. patent law to cover the service, whose central computers are in Canada.

The rebuff leaves the company with a dwindling number of opportunities to avert having to halt its U.S. service. A federal judge in Richmond, Va., is considering a shutdown after a jury concluded that RIM infringed patents held by NTP Inc.

And then your world comes crashing down around you. Bomber jackets go out of style. Your slicked-back hair makes you look like a goomba with acne. You discover that everybody thinks those stupid yellow glasses are dorky.

But you take solace in the realization that you really don't need to have the ability to electronically fire cryptic messages to others while sitting on the can. Hell, the person in charge of organizing Avril Lavigne's various fan clubs actually used the U.S. mail to send you that certified letter informing you that Avril was tired of the stalking and was getting a restraining order against you.

Life goes on.

(Kool Aid Toast to da Spizzonge.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bi-curious George

Brit pol George Galloway on Christopher Hitchens, September, 2005:

You once were a beautiful butterfly. Now, you are a slug!

Blogger LearnedFoot on George Galloway, January, 2006:

You once were a corrupt flaming moonbat. Now, you are a retarded-looking gay robot, dancing with a transvestite:


UPON REFLECTION: You know, the word "uberphotoshopable" is thrown around a lot. But I think in this case, use of that word would hardly be an overstatement. I forsee George getting into some zany hijinks with Kool Aid Guy for weeks to come.

Burned out Star Jones

Amazing, isn’t it, how stupid some people can be without knowing it. By now we’ve all heard about OBL’s latest tape and the reaction surrounding it. I even posted about it and how I thought the usual suspects would react. What I didn’t expect was this stream of idiocy from Star Jones as spewed on The View:

"You know what? At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper,"

I won’t say Star Jones is an ignoramus, she proves it by opening her mouth. What level of moron has one reached when they can distill the war against murdering Islamofascist dirtball pigs to a fight between two men trying to prove which has the bigger penis?

How can is it that this woman still has a job today. I don’t give a damn what she said, but I’m producing that show I sure as hell care about the credibility of the hosts and the program and as long as she is on the air making brainless statements like this neither has any credibility.

"I won't trust him, but anything that gives me the opportunity to seek peace, I would at least check it out.

Star, darling, where is the opportunity for peace when you’re dealing with someone who can’t be trusted. The only way to achieve the peace is to destroy that the evil bastarde and every one of their murdering followers,

"You don't negotiate," Jones interrupted, "but I do think you figure out when there is a solution that's diplomatic that doesn't result in [loss of] human life.

This woman was a Brooklyn prosecutor? I would love to see her conviction record. Hey, shit-for-brains, how can you seek a diplomatic solution while refusing to negotiate? Diplomacy and negotiation are the same thing you FREAKING IDIOT. What piece of crap law school did you go to? Did you get your diploma from one of those online schools that promise no tests? How much did it cost you - $59.99.

"What do we have to lose to check it out?" Star said.

I know the answer to this one: Thousands of innocent lives around the world. That’s what we have to lose. Were you not paying attention to the news in September of 2001?

"You know what?" she then added, "At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper at some point."

I known I put this at the top of the list, but it’s too damned good to use only once.

Star Jones is a walking, talking contradiction: Don’t trust OBL, but it is an opportunity for peace. Don’t negotiate, but find a diplomatic solution.

How great is America that you can utter such moronic statements on TV and get paid obscene amount of money to do it?

Moron Mail Super Quiz

NOTE: The Monday Moron Mail Mad Lib is on a brief hiatus, while KAR brings you this special edition interactive quiz.

Answer the following question:

Which of the following was an actual letter to the Strib published on Sunday?

A) It seems to me that every time the Bush administration's fortunes fall to new lows, his old friend Osama sends us another message letting us know how safe Big Brother has kept us. I hate to sound too partisan, but how many of these does Mr. Rove have saved for future consumption?


B) Okay, here's what I've discovered: the Rand Corporation, in conjuction with the saucer people, uder the supervision of the reverse vampires, are FORCING our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!

We're through the looking glass here, people!


C) Hey Guido. It's all so clear to me now: I'm the keeper of the cheese. And you're the lemon merchant.

Get it?

And he knows it. That's why he's gonna kill us. So we have to beat it. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us!


D) Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your quote-unquote "pollution control". I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em. They're just an egghead government plot.

Open up your eyes, people! They're trying to control global warming!

Get it? GLO-BAL!

That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what temperature it's going to be in our outdoors. I say, let the world warm up! See what Boutros Boutros-By-Golly thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska!


E) All of the above.

F) None of the above.


ANSWER: A. While B, C, and D were all actually written (and later uttered) by someone, only the letter in answer A actually appeared in the Strib.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Are You Ready to Mock the Nihilist?

You only have 3 more NFL tilts to bet on this year. That means you need to make the most of every opportunity. If you followed The System I laid out last week, you cannot go wrong. Here's a recap of how the system works:

1) Read the Nihilist in Golf Pants (something you should do anyway) to ascertain the Nihilist's picks of the week.

2) Bet the opposite.

NIGP's picks for the NFC and AFC championship games are:

Broncos -3 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +5 1/2 @ Seahawks

Which means your bets should be:

Steelers +3 1/2 @ Broncos
Seahawks -5 1/2 v. Panthaz

As a matter of fact, those look so good, I'd hook 'em.

Best of luck to all adherents of The System.


Seattle 34, Carolina 14
Pittsburgh 34, Denver 17

And thus the superiority of The System (or as Elder calls it, NABS - Nihilist Anti-lock Betting System) is proven. 5 and 1 against the spread over the last 2 weeks. Phenomenal!

What makes NABS extra-important is that the opening line for the Super Bowl is Pittsburgh -4. Nobody knows what to make of this line. Puzzled bettors everywhere should be paying close attention to the Nihilist in Golf Pants over the next two weeks to see how he comes out on this game. We here at the KAR Sports Desk will be.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Burning Down the Blog House

I think the consensus of most bloggers ("most bloggers" being defined as me, Mitch Berg and Clever Sponge) think the Strib's newish Saturday blog feature "The Blog House" sucks. And after reading today's and last week's installment, I think the only debatable issue about BH's author Tim O'Brien's political leanings is how often he strays from the Democrat reservation to vote Green.

Anyhow, since the BH is destined for oblivion (it cleared the shark a week or so ago when O'Brien condescendingly tried to tell us what a blog "should be," and got it wrong by answering something other than "an application wherein you can write stuff and then have it posted on the internet"), I'll pick up the slack with my whirlwind blogosphere week in review. I promise mine will be better. I shall call it "Blog Mart".

the blog mart learnedfoot

Bloggers write on a variety of topics

Debate Rages on Wiretapping

Discussion about domestic surveillance rebriskified (it's my Blog Mart, I can make up words if I want) this week fueled by the results of a new opinion poll that reported some 60% of the American people thought Bush should be impeached if his warrantless wiretapping program broke any laws. Bloggers on the left reiterated their position that this practice was worse than suspending habeas corpus, Japanese internment and flying airplanes into tall buildings combined. Bloggers on the right dismissed such hyperbole, sticking to their position that tapping was preferable to canned or bottled wires.

In a weird coincidence, a recently released poll by the Kool Aid Report blog (1) showed that the same percentage of Americans would support throwing George Soros in jail if raping goats is against the law.

Al Gore opens piehole. Again.

Of the seven bloggers who noticed, the left-leaning ones predictably hailed the speech as a call to arms while the right-leaning blogs dismissed Gore's diatribe as the ramblings of a sore loser. However, both sides did agree that the former vice president remains a "massive tool."

Bloggers travel places.

A new cheap web thing caused much discussion about the states bloggers have visited. Doug Williams of Bogus Gold blog (2) is a light traveler, having only visited some 14 states. However, Muzzy of Blogizdat blog (3), has been to all but nine states.

Jacking off to Abramoff.

Lefty blogs continued demonstrating their lack of familiarity with the English language when writing about the Jack Abramoff imbroglio, calling it a GOP scandal. They dismissed righty blogs that pointed out that the disgraced lobbyist funneled all kinds of donations from his clients to Democrat politicians, saying "Oh yeah? Well, all of Abramoff's personal donations went to Republicans. So there. Nyah nyah nyah nyah!" The Learned Foot of Kool Aid Report blog (4) helpfully offered that maybe the lefties ought to look up the word "lobbyist" in the dictionary, so that they can educate themselves as to the purpose of that occupation, and see that the taint carried by donations transmitted through Abramoff is just as bad as the taint on donations from the man himself. The Learned Foot blogger also suggested that while they had the dictionary open, they may want to review the definitions of "lie" and "torture".

Osama opens piehole. Again.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants blog (5) proposed the top 11 highlights of the terrorist mastermind's new audio tape. One of those highlights, wrote blogger Sisyphus, was "Is 'troubled’ by the Alito nomination." However, the money quote of the post came in the comment thread, where the LearnedFoot from the Kool Aid Report blog (6) proposed an item that was omitted from the original list: "12. Comes out in favor of Caliphite-wide smoking ban."


1 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
2 Bogus Gold - http://bogusgold.com/
3 Blogizdat - http://blogizdat.blogspot.com
4 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
5 The Nihilist in Golf Pants - http://nihlist.blogspot.com
6 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/


Absolute Zero.

Despite a local blog trotting out that super-gay song Afternoon Delight once again, a loss at Short Bus Trivia and the failure of it's use to garner even one comment or link, portend doom for a once promissing weapon. Looks like the blog that once won acclaim for being the first to successfully harness the awesome destructive power of the Starland Vocal Band will have to go back to the drawing board. "My motto's always been: 'when it's right, it's right,'" indeed.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Update on the first food entry

Rmember this one from earlier today. She’s on the Garage Logic with Joe now and, surprise, surprise; she’s a Member of the Green Party.

Who’d a thunk that one.

She wants to award classrooms for signing on the Twain for Twinkies policy with, get this, a certificate they can hang on the door that says, “We’re a healthy classroom.”

She’s a freak.

Now she’s on to the “peer pressure” canard: Worried that even moms and dads who want to stay healthy will feel pressure to send the kid to school with Ho-Hos.

Undeterred, she still thinks it’s the job of the state to keep cake from the mouths of her babes.

Give me a break you Greenie Freak.

We missed the coronation.

Funny how the media lined up to take shots at the GOPers who came out early to endorse Mark Kennedy for the senate seat being vacated by the vacuous Mark Dayton, yet I’ve heard no such screams over the many endorsements Amy Klobuchar has gathered.

The article in the Star & Sickle is about Patty Wetterling, but there are a couple of other interesting tidbits:

Klobuchar has been racking up endorsements by large labor groups and was endorsed this week by U.S. Rep. James Oberstar, whose northern Eighth District is a pivotal one for DFLers.

In addition, EMILY's List, the women's fundraising group that typically supports all Democratic, abortion-rights female candidates, reached into the Minnesota race early to back Klobuchar over Wetterling.

Where are the screams of “coronation”, “anointing”, “the people have been shut out of the process”?

Where is the gnashing of teeth that happened when Kennedy was endorsed?

Why do I even ask the question?

Do I really think I’ll get an answer, one that makes sense?

Hell no

Moron Mail: We Apologize for Allowing You to Give Us the Impression that You're a Bunch of Man-Hating Harpies

This one was fun:

Regarding Mona Charen's Jan. 17 Opinion Exchange article, "Feminism: the wolf in sheep's clothing": Is the Star Tribune serious?

Charen's column is just a right-wing character assassination of women who want fair wages, decent health care, control over their own bodies and respect. According to Charen, feminists are man-hating-yet-promiscuous, miserable women intent on destroying marriage and families. Do they also have hateful, glowing eyes and hooves instead of feet? Do they eat babies?

There's not enough space to list the statistical evidence that debunks Charen's (and Kate O'Beirne's) rather silly claims about equal pay, marriage, promiscuity, day care and, of course, [CAUTION: IRONY ALERT! -ed.] the "humorlessness" of feminist women. For more ["More information?" You didn't give us any in the first place. You just said there wasn't enough space to list it all. And then you didn't. -ed] information that might debunk "the debunker," read "Backlash," the great, fact-filled [I'll take your word on that. -ed.] book written by Pulitzer-Prize winning reporter Susan Faludi.

Feminists are everyday women who just want some respect. Star Tribune, we love you, but you've got to be kidding.


I wonder where anybody got the idea that feminists were a bunch of miserable and mirthless man-haters?

"All men are rapists and that's all they are" - Marilyn French, Author

"I feel that 'man-hating' is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them." - Robin Morgan, MS. Magazine Editor

Swiftee's fave:

"Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies." -- Andrea Dworkin

"Men who are unjustly accused of rape can sometime gain from the experience," - Catherine Comins, Vassar College Dean

"MALE: ...represents a variant of or deviation from the category of female. The first males were mutants... the male sex represents a degeneration and deformity of the female." - A Feminist Dictionary, ed. Kramarae & Treichler, Pandora Press, 1985. (Found here.)

Oh hell, just go here. Or here. Or, do a google search.

Again, we variants and deviants wish to express our regret that the most vocal and radical among you were allowed (by us, I'm assuming) to hijack a legitimate cause.

More from the food wars

I love the Junk Science column at www.foxnews.com. Steve Malloy does a great job of laying bare the lies coming from the do-gooders who spend their days wringing their hands over every perceived threat.

Now the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) is going after SpongeBob Squarepants. You’ll remember CSPI as the crew that alerted the world to the fact that movie theater popcorn with melted butter is, gasp, high in fat and not good for you.

No shit, Sherlock.

I can’t believe these morons get any coverage at all. Blaming advertising for making kids fat and unhealthy is so damned ridiculous, but they get press with every worthless press release they put out.

Here’s what I do when my kids want to fill up on junk:

“No, you can’t have that sucker.”
“Sorry son, you’ve had enough garbage.”
“If you want a snack, it has to be something that’s good for you.”
“You cannot have a treat because you didn’t eat your dinner.”
“Put the Sugar Smacks back. We’re not buying that crap.”

I know it’s difficult to say “no” to the little angels, but say it we must and say it I do. Sure the bride and I have to put up with whining and crying on occasion, but it’s better than having fat kids with high blood pressure and diabetes.

But not all of us have the spine to say “No.” Here’s what one suing, gutless mother had to say:

“Critics argue it’s up to the parent to ‘just say no.’ Many times this is easier said than done, especially with strong-willed children, which I happen to have. Sometimes compromise is necessary to preserve my sanity… No reasonable parent would reach for SpongeBob pop tarts with fluorescent blue frosting unless they have a child nagging to buy them some.”

Try saying no you stupid bitch. Give the little brats some boundaries have the backbone to put up with the pissing and moaning. If they don't shut up a had across the butt will do the trick.

Be a goddamned parent for once and instill a little discipline.

Parental licensing advocates have found their poster-mom.

Like the dumb-ass broad in my earlier post, this woman has no desire to raise her kids. She’d rather give into them out of guilt and then sue food companies when her kids end up as single, toothless, fatties living in a trailer park because no one wants anything to do with the ugly freaks.

Go ahead and screw up your kids and set them up to fail. That'll leave stuff more for mine to accumulate when the enter the real world.

Hello Government? Would you be my kids’ parent?

Our kids are getting fat and contracting diabetes from the birthday treats their classmates distribute at school and the State should do ban the practice.

That is the conclusion of a heavily deluded woman by the name of Julie Risser of Edina.

A few excerpts:

Here's hoping candidates for public office consider the costly and lethal fallout from diabetes stated in your Jan. 17 editorial; here's hoping they get the need to "insist on habit-changing help from every public and private enterprise that can give it."

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have state policy that encouraged parents to drop the birthday treats and have children bring in their favorite book instead?

We could promote a love of literacy instead of contributing to a costly epidemic. It seems so logical; after all, education frequently competes for health care dollars.

My turn but, first, a question:

If kids have been bringing Tootsie Pops and cookies to school for years to celebrate their birthdays, why is it the problem of obesity and diabetes is a recent phenomenon?

Could it be because parents such as Julie Risser of Edina allow her children to sit on their asses playing video games for hours on end only to be followed by frying their brains on worthless television programs after dinner – which probably consists of high fat, low nutrition crap picked up at a drive through window because Julie and her overachieving husband both work full time to afford the mortgage on the larger-than-necessary-house and the toys needed to keep up appearances and therefore don’t have the time to cook a proper dinner for their ever-expanding children.

Or maybe it’s because Julie Risser and her overachieving husband ply their children with treats bathed in high fructose corn syrup to keep them happy and to assuage the guilt they suffer for having put the tykes into a kiddy mill – aka daycare center – so mommy could work full-time rather than raise their own kids.

Here’s my suggestion – grab your fat-assed kid by the ear and shove him/her into the yard. Force them to actually run and play. Make the little urchin break a sweat. Running in a video game is not the same.

And for God’s sake, raise your own damned kids. Stop looking to the government to act as the parent you won’t be. Stop abdicating the responsibility you and your husband took on when he knocked you up.

What’s next, a government supplied monitor to hover over Johnny and Susie to make sure they do their homework. Lord knows it would free up more time you can spend “finding yourself.”

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Rhetoric Probably Not Separated at Birth

Unshaven "documentary" director Michael Moore:

There is no terrorist threat!

Unshaven al-Qaeda director Osama bin Laden:

Operations are in preparation and you will see them on your own ground once the preparations are finished, God willing.

Rhetoric Separated at Birth 3

Porky Democrat Bobo Columnist Molly Ivins (randomly picked quote from dozens of similar ones):

It does seem a little silly, though, to call for "complete victory" without acknowledging that the war itself is not going well. The number of attacks on American and Iraqi troops per day, rather a clear indicator, simply grows steadily worse.

Svelte Wahabi Islam Bobo Mass Murderer Osama bin Laden:

In my response to these fallacies, I say: The war in Iraq is raging and operations in Afghanistan are on the rise in our favour, praise be to God.

The Pentagon figures indicate the rise in the number of your dead and wounded, let alone the huge material losses.

I am beginning to see a pattern here.

Rhetoric Seperated at Birth 2

Terrorist Nutjob Osama bin Laden:

However, what prompted me to speak are the repeated fallacies of your President Bush in his comment on the outcome of US opinion polls, which indicated that the overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of the forces from Iraq... I say that the results of the poll satisfy sane people and that Bush's objection to them is false.


Pacifist Nutjob Tom Hayden:

The media and politicians acknowledge something they call "public opinion" without ever associating it with the anti-war movement.


A slight majority of Americans are with us. We need to convince the unconvinced that it is time to implement an exit strategy.

This is the end

If you thought the Democrats were in trouble now, just wait few hours.

This offer from OBL will send the moonbat left into a frenzy.

Every out-of-touch peacenik from Cindy Sheehan to Michael Moore and Jimmy Carter will be running for the microphones to claim that the war is over because OBL - the second most dangerous terrorist in the world – has offered a truce.

Of course, their praise of the little towel-headed bastard will be followed by cries for the crucifixion of W because he will tell OBL exactly what he can do with his offer, as he should.

The entire episode will serve only to move the already marginalized Democrat party closer the brink of extinction when John Fing Kerry,Teddy “Pour Me Another” Kennedy and John Murtha lock arms to sing “Allah My Love”.

Rhetoric Separated at Birth

You decide:

Barbra Streisand


Osama bin Laden

Alas, they are only fraternal twins:

Osama never calls Bush a "liar".


A new audio tape from Osama bin Laden (or, more likely, the Afghani eqivalent of Rich Little) has just been released. Our crack staff of researchers and translators here at KAR have been feverishly working to produce an accurate translation of the tape. The most important passage is excerpted below:

By Allah, gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight. Gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night? When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight, Allah willing.


The KAR Good Ole Boy Funtime Moonshine Hillbilly Hoedown Sing-along Jamboree

BILL: Everybody ready for our Thursday madrigal?

HEAD O' ALFREDO GARCIA: I brought my jaw harp!

LEARNEDFOOT: You play the jaw harp?

HOAG: Yes. I play 735 different instruments.

BILL: Alrightee, then. Start it up Head.

HOAG: [playing jaw harp] Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing...

BILL: A one, and a two, and a one two three...


LF: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight; gonna grab some afternoon delight.

BILL: My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.

HOAG: When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.


BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight!

JAW HARP: Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing de de...


LF: Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite; and the thought of rubbin' you-

I am NOT singing the rest of that f***ing line!

JB: Skyrockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight.

JAW HARP: Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing de de...

BILL: Started out this morning feeling so polite; I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.


JB: Skyrockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight!

[Jaw harp solo]

LF: Please be waiting for me baby when I come around. We could make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down.

EVERYBODY: Sky rockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

EVERYBODY: Afternoon delight! A-a-afternoon delight! A-a-afternoon delight!


BILL: Great job everybody! And thanks for dropping by to sing with us, JB.

JB: Wouldn't have missed it for anything. Afternoon Delight is one of the best songs ever written. (*) Do you always have these Thursday hoedowns?

LF: Nah. We only drag out the Starland Vocal Band when it's absolutely necessary. It has proven to be very effective.

JB: Ah, I see.

* Actual opinion held by JB Doubtless.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

This Is Something You Would Normally Read About At Residual Forces, But Since You Probably Wouldn't Be Able to Decipher Andy's Spelling, I'll Do It

6th CD Republican candidate Jay Esmay now has a blog.

Great blogroll.

I got your ban right here

Yet another letter fawning over the recent smoking ban found its way into the SPPP today.

Who’d a thunk it?

This one comes from Lashell Barnes of St. Paul. Lashell is happy that our children will no longer be exposed to secondhand smoke while bellied up to the bar.

Now, I’d like to propose a new ban: One that really will solve a physical and mental public health crisis.

I propose we ban the noxious fumes emitted when Lashell and his/her like-minded Fascist friends spew their worthless, goddamned opinions.

Keep you brats out of the bars, Lashell. Let them drink at home where the only foul air they’ll be exposed to is the anti-freedom bullshit you cough up.

I am so damned sick and tired of reading letters from the nanny-state loving, do-gooders who think government should have unlimited power to protect them from every possible danger.

Put on your hardhat, Lashell, an acorn might fall from that mighty oak and strike you in the noggin. Don’t forget to put on your spiked shoes. You might slip on the ice and hurt yourself.

Get off our backs you pigs!!! Live you cloistered, hyper-protective little lives by yourselves, have food brought in – make sure it’s been sterilized first, and leave the rest of us alone.

You hover over your children protecting them from every threat – real and, in this case, imagined. You are turning the little nippers into psychos that are incapable of surviving in the real world.

You’re turning out a bunch of antisocial beings that are afraid of their own shadows.

My kids are going to run roughshod over yours because they’ve experienced and survived difficulties. They understand and welcome competition.

They see the world as something to conquer, not to fear.

Your kids are screwed.

(insert diabolical laughter here)

Creating the Safest City in the World

Since St. Paul's new Glorious Mayor and his politiburo on the city council wasted no time passing a law to protect us from hypothetical and attenuated dangers caused by the legal behavior of others, here are some other environmental externalities that need to be eliminated by law, so that we may all live a life free of risk or injury. I have omited the obvious ones such as restrictions on cars, fatty foods, alcohol and firearms since the St. Paul city government is already cognizant of them, and we'll probably be seeing action on those issues soon:

* Many buildings and homes in St. Paul have stairs. Every year, hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of people fall down stairs. This often causes severe injury or even death! Therefore, the building codes need to be updated to require that all stairs and the area at the base of a staircase be covered with a one-foot-thick overlay of nerf.

* St. Paul has many golf courses within her borders. Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of golfers and grounds crew employees are smacked by an errant golf ball. This can often cause severe injury, or maybe even death! The city must pass an ordinance prohibiting the use of conventional hard (surlyn covered) golf balls. Golfers may still enjoy a round using whiffle or nerf balls.

* It is a well known fact that a child can drown in as little as four inches of water. The government should update the building codes to prohibit the use of bathtubs deeper than three and one-half inches.

* Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people die or are injured when they slip and fall in the shower or bathtub. Therefore, the building codes should be further updated to require that all bathtub and shower surfaces are made out of nerf.

* The 35E - 94 Interchange is a 500-car-pileup-of-flaming-death waiting to happen. Cover it with nerf.

* Every day thousands of St. Paulites cook their own meals at home. Since many of these citizens prepare food not only for themselves, but also for their family and frequently their guests, the dangers of spreading food-borne illnesses from poorly prepared food and unclean kitchens are of great concern. Because all citizens need to be protected from food-borne illnesses, private residents who cook their own food and serve it to others must be held to the same health standards as restaurants. The city must pass a law to this effect, and hire a horde of health inspectors to enforce it with random inspections.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are scalded by deep fryer grease, and studies show that those who are forced to work over them several hours a day have a high likelihood of developing severe acne. If the Healthy Arteries Ordinance of 2007 should somehow have trouble passing, it is still imparative that these devices be banned with all due speed.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are severly injured or killed when slipping or falling off of bicycles onto hard sidewalk and street surfaces. Cover them all with nerf.

Foreshadowing By Haiku

And so it begins...

Skyrockets in flight,
Afternoon delight! A - A -
Afternoon delight!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Considering the Source

Just a totally random thought that just leapt into my head unprovoked:

Anybody who routinely writes crap like:

No one's more chickenshit than a bunch of chickenhawks who have been proven wrong on Iraq for three fucking years now...

and has weekly, sometimes daily, posts which feature little more than some version or other of:

Assrocket is a lying motherfucker

while "proving" his, er, assertion with a link to another tinfoil hat-wearing leftyblog (who in turn "proves" his assertion with a link to another tinfoil hat wearing leftyblog, ad nauseum), really hasn't positioned himself well enough to cast aspersions at the "critical thinking" skills of others.

Someone who runs his mouth like that might get bitch slapped by Swiftee. Hypothetically.

Completely random. Really.

A Completely Random, Informal Poll

Is anybody planning on going to Keegan's on Thursday?

Please answer in comments (yes, you too Brian. Then you can go back to sneering at me.)

An Oompa Loompa Tribute to the "Mayor" of Chocolatetown

Sung to the tune of the Oompa Loompa Song.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

What do you get when your mayor's a twit?
Saying that New Orleans should be all "Chocolate".
If Mayor Daley said Chicago should be all white,
They'd hang him from the el in the middle of the night.

Nagin sounds like a segregationist

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not a moron, you will go far
You'll not make an ass of yourself
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-delf

System Flush

As a public service to those of you who didn't take my advice and actually read Susan Lenfestey's latest dispatch from the Perpetually Sneering Community, I offer you a dose of pulchritude to soothe your souls - a recent picture of The Boy:

Secretly plotting the destruction of our DVD player, no doubt.

God's Message for Susan Lenfestey

As long as God had me on the horn, He wanted me to to transmit His displeasure to frequent Strib drooling idiot contributor, Susan Lenfestey. While the excerpt of Lenfestey's opinion piece (of shit) that God links to below is bad enough, it is by far not the most brain-meltingly dumb part of the spiteful, factually and logically challenged column. Therefore readers are advised to, as always, use caution when clicking through and reading her drivel.

Dear Loser,

Today, I read that you wrote the following:

But the agonizing vigil in West Virginia, with its soaring uplift of a false miracle making the plunge into sodden grief all the more wrenching, did have a way of calling both Bush and God into question.

Oh yeah? Well question this.

BTW, you may want to watch out for that refrigerator-sized meteorite vectoring toward your head.

Oops, too late.



(PROPHET's NOTE: this is the closest approximation I could make to the sound of a flaming meteorite flattening an effete elitist spite-filled harpy to one twenty-eighth of an inch and then incinerating her.)

No hard feelings? Good.

Warm regards,


FURTHER PROPHET'S NOTE: Unlike the messages to Pat Robertson and "Mayor" Nagin, the preceding was merely a figment of my imagination - a cathartic release that needed to be vented after years of subjecting myself to Susan's pathetic MoveOn-approved rantings. Susan is still alive and remains her old miserable self, unscathed by space debris.

MENSA is on a Roll

The Minnesota chapter MENSA is overflowing with new members.

I can’t imagine the odds of this: Different letters in different papers, published on the same day both illustrating the same incredible grasp of logical analysis.
God love the SPPP for printing this rare example of brilliance:

Low taxes vs. saving lives
A Pentagon study reveals that the lives of hundreds of our troops could have been saved if the latest technology body armor and armored vehicles had been made available ("Some soldiers say more armor would decrease mobility," Jan. 8). Although the improved armor slightly restricts movement, it's clear most troops want it and the better armored vehicles.

Clearly, the big reason for the Pentagon's dilatory performance is the cost. Apparently, a low tax rate is more important than the best armor. Yes, indeed: "We support our troops." We can prove it by the little ribbons on our cars.

Mendota Heights

“Clearly, the big reason for the Pentagon's dilatory performance is the cost. Apparently, a low tax rate is more important than the best armor."

Oh, shut the hell up you jackass.

Can you cite a source to prove your contention? If not, go the hell away.

First of all, the Pentagon has yet to complain about being under-funded due to tax cuts. Secondly, read the reports again and you’ll find that many, if not most soldiers don’t want the armor because it restricts movement.

I don’t’ know how you can write, “It’s clear most troops want it [more armor]…”. Clear to whom and based on what?

I get such a kick out of you Lefties. You take one anecdote and make it a universal by applying it across the board. Are you that stupid or do you believe the rest of us are.

You think it’s the latter and by doing so prove the former.

Maybe you and Bill can take a hike together.

Life on the House Plantation

In which a Senator, thick in the ankles, visits and peruses the goings-on, custom and ways of the House of Representatives Plantation.

"My eye first beheld a pack of 5 female Crats yoked in all manner of voluminous paper: resolutions, amendments and bills; carrying them to and fro in methodic fashion. One female Crat, her name "Nancy", of whom the earlier-mentioned Crats were in her charge, barked at them, permitting no dawdle or delay and chastising those whose message departed from the memo issued from her office that day.

"I then took to the gallery area from which vantage I could see the whole of the operation. Standing behind them and over them, I noted the Crats sitting or milling below me and to my left numbered about 250, but no more, and were out-plentied by the "Massas" who congregated to my right. The Massas appeared stern in their mien, capriciously suppressing the Crats by turning away their proposals by manner of a plenary vote, for the Crats were outnumbered and powerless to resist. I too was unable to object to it, since these are the ways of our government and that body, whose membership is elected by the people.

"And then the head massa, a stout man named "Hastert", asserted his hefty will by means of the rapping of a heavy gavel upon his desktop. He announced the commencement of the Two Minute Speeches, of which the horrors are too hideous to recall here.

"I then returned to New York, whereupon I offered my report of what mine eyes had witnessed to the freed Crats gathered there: 'When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation and you know what I'm talking about...'"

If you would like to learn more of what life was like for slaves on a pre-Civil War plantation, free from inapt analogy or other mind-bendingly stupid, thought-free and inflamatory rhetoric, I recommend this, which in part inspired the style of this post.