Friday, March 31, 2006

Sick and tired of the abuse

I just noticed a passing shot that was taken at yours truly by the main contributor to this blog:

As the Managing Editor of KAR I wish to extend my heartfelt apology for the absolute crappiness of Bill's latest header design. This desecration of the legendary KAR logo is due to Bill's refusal to consult with me or obtain final approval from me. I was given no input (other than the Homer Simpson thing) and the result, as you can see, is disastrous.

OK, so I just noticed it. I have been very busy at work and have not had a lot of time to devote to the blog; reading, writing, or developing new header art. But this slight will not be tollerated.

I am sick of the constant badgering by the aforementioned person to produce new and creative headers on a constant basis, when said person has no idea how much work goes into each one and how long they take to develop.

I am sick of the surreptitious little comments about "pie decoration" and "gift wrapping" meant to call into question my masculinity.

And I am tired of the comments that I do not post enough, and the pressure I am put under to participate more from a contributor standpoint. Other blogs have infrequent contributors, why can't KAR?

I am putting someone on notice: Knock it off or you may not have any header art at all, other than that which you manage to develop yourself. I'd love to see what that looks like.

Empty Rhetoric to End Homelessness

The elites on the Star & Sickle editorial board write eloquently about a group of some high-powered Minnesotans who have come together to, once and for all, put an end to homelessness:

"We're done studying homelessness. We know what works. Now it's time to act."

So, what works, you ask. How do we end the scourge of homelessness?

Beats the hell out of me.

Like all good Lefty ideas they have no real plan. Just a reference to a “continuum of care” and the costs (unstated) that we should not fear.

Be very, very scared. As usual, those who believe themselves to be our superiors have decided that more money – on top of the trillions that have been spent over the years – will solve the problem.

Same shit, different day.

I've Won a Major Award!

I'm Rock Solid in the Blogosphere! How 'bout that?

As this is totally unexpected, I don't have an acceptance speech prepared. I guess I'll just have to wing it...


First off, I'd like to thank Sisyphus for finding me worthy enough to recognize with this prestigious award. I know that it took a significant amount of courage for him to do so, given that he is certain to face retribution from my long-time nemesis and his evil overlord, The Nihilist in Golf Pants.

Also I'd like to thank my lovely wife, Mrs. Foot, whose constant disapproval has kept me from blogging too much. KAR hasn't jumped the shark yet, largely due to her scoldings.

I'd like to thank my kids, The Girl and The Boy. Especially The Boy, whose penchant for mayhem and destruction has shown me what's truly important in life (self-preservation).

I'd like to thank Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo, who could probably care less right now since he's currently in Key West sipping foo foo drinks and fending off the advances of that island's many many homosexuals.

I'd like to thank Iron Maiden. You mofos have taught me a lot!

I need to thank Atomizer, whose model I've followed over the past year (frequent and sustained self-medication).

Finally, but most importantly, I need to thank my cohorts. I would be nothing without them: Dementee, who has kept KAR relatively moonbat-free for about a year now; and the Head of Alfredo Garcia, who filled in for me while I was vacationing last June. You guys are the greatest!

Am I forgetting anyone?...


[Pregnant pause]

You know, there are some assholes that say KAR is "out of touch". That we're too "extreme"; that we're "tasteless" and "profane." But we were the first to fisk disgusting recipes and use the phrase "regurgitated monkey spleen" while everybody else though it was too "edgy." Well, I'm glad to be out of touch! And this award provides not only validation, but also absolute moral authority to continue being disgusting.

Finally, I think the most gratifying thing about receiving The Rock Solid award is that it's really going to cheese off the Nihilist in Golf Pants. This once again proves how wrong he was to demote KAR to #2 on his Top 11 Blogs list. SHAME ON YOU MR. GOLF PANTS! SHAME ON YOU! WHEN EVEN SISYPHUS IS AGAINST YOU, YOU KNOW YOU'RE WRONG! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!




DEMENTEE: WHERE BILL???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: I think Bill's pissed at me.

DEM: OH!!!!!!!!!!

LF: Yeah, he didn't like this at all. And now -


LF: Well, I don't know. Let me...

MARK BUTTLIK, MINNEAPOLIS: [interrupting] The end of legal abortion is nigh. Then we'll need to have gay couples raising the surplus tykes. No wonder Michele Bachmann paces the floors.


BUTTLIK: [Shrieking like the little bitch that he is] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

DEM: CHOMP!!!!!! *burp*

DEM: YUMMY!!!!!!!

LF: Heh - maybe there should be unfettered gay marriage and abortion. We could see the end of the human race within a century.


LF: Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah - the Nihilist is being an assmonkey again.


LF: Indeed. Say, D - you know that I'm not a traffic whore, right?


LF: But I do pay attention to our traffic.

DEM: YA' DON'T SAY!!!!!!!!!

LF: Yes. I pay attention enough to notice that our weekend traffic is almost exactly half of our regular daily traffic, give or take a few hits.


LF: And while I'm flattered that there are 300-odd people that check in daily to read about our latest hijinx -


LF: Well, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Be that as it may - and remember, I'm not a traffic whore - I think it would be a BIG mistake for anyone to avoid visiting to KAR this weekend several times.


LF: Let's just say that I've got a nuke it'll be pretty good, and leave it at that...

DEM: AH!!!! ME CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

DEM: ...


Who needs freedom.

I know it doesn’t matter to him, but I hate Bob Moffitt and his self-righteous attitude toward the freedom of others:

"If we quit fighting and got together behind a statewide bill, we wouldn't have this crazy quilt of ordinances that requires people to look at a map before they light up," said Bob Moffitt, a spokesman for the American Lung Association.

Fuck you, Bob. Have you ever heard of freedom? Ever heard of self-determination?

I hope every bar and restaurant in St. Paul hangs a photo of this prick in the window and bans him from darkening their doors.

I really, really hate this prick and his smug attitude. He doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt as long as he gets to force his fascist beliefs on everyone.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sisyphus Open Thread Pays Off

In today's S.O.T. Sisyphus writes:

I mostly approve of the work done by the framers of our Constitution, but one mistake they made was forbidding titles of nobility (Article 1, Section 9). I could see myself as an Earl or a Duke (but not a Marquise – that sounds too French).

The StarTribune was able to come up with a clever idea to get around the electoral college (Article 2). Maybe they can come up with an idea to get around this prohibition against titles of nobility.

The Bard of New Brighton will be happy to learn that there is a way around it that's far less sneaky than the Strib's stupid electoral college thing. Art. I, Sec. 9, cl. 8 of the Constitution provides:

No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.

Note the language here: " No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States". This clause prohibits federal governmental bodies from granting titles of nobility. There is no such prohibition on the state governments, or for that matter on me, from dubbing some guy the "Earl of Frogtown" or the "Mayor of Fridley." And a cursory glance at the Minnesota Constitution contains no such prohibition (a search for the terms "nobility" or "noble" across the Minnesota Statutes and constitution yields 0 hits).

All must now refer to me as The Viscount of Love.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Sisyphus only, Chad.

An Apology to Our Readers

As the Managing Editor of KAR I wish to extend my heartfelt apology for the absolute crappiness of Bill's latest header design. This desecration of the legendary KAR logo is due to Bill's refusal to consult with me or obtain final approval from me. I was given no input (other than the Homer Simpson thing) and the result, as you can see, is disastrous.

Disciplinary action has already been taken against Bill including:

* Demotion from his role as Art Director to the lowly title of LearnedFoot sycophant;

* A moratorium on pie decorating until further notice; and

* Removal of his exemption from being targeted with Nihilist in Golf Pants / Brokeback Mountain gay-baiting jokes.

Again, I wish to emphasize that KAR deeply regrets the assault on your eyes that is our new crappy crappy logo. We will rectify the situation at the earliest possible time.

As a token of our contrition, please stay tuned for a Sisyphus Open Thread.

Arrogant Asses

Congratulations to Dave Thune and Bob Moffitt. Together they will go down as two of the most arrogant asses to ever appear on the political scene.

I’ve decided I hate anyone who steps on the freedom of others for selfish reasons. And these do-gooders fit that description to a tee.

Screw the secondhand smoke argument. These two, and many others I’ve heard, want to force you to live your life by their standards and they have no problem using the force of government to get their way.

Why did Dave Thune want a smoking ban:

One, he's a musician. After his band played at a nonsmoking wedding, Thune didn't feel the usual effects of a "rock 'n' roll hangover" from exposure to too much smoke.

Two, he's a son. On many mornings, Thune rises to make breakfast for his father, now suffering through the debilitating effects of emphysema caused by smoking.

Purely selfish reasons. Nothing here about saving non-smokers from the evil ones who light up in their presence.

"All those things kind of happening at once made me realize, why are we doing this? Why are we allowing this anymore?" Thune said.

This is the killer line and no one is beating this guy’s ass over it. Thune’s use of the word “allow” makes me want to vomit on the prick’s shoes. What else will asshole number one decide should no longer be allowed? Next will be smoking on patios, then in cars and, not long after that, in homes.

On the other hand we have asshole number 2, Bob Moffitt of the American Lung Association, Thune’s latest employer, who can’t genuflect fast enough:

"He was the first one to step up. And he took a real political risk in stepping forward."

Bullshit, there was no risk. Smokers are the most hated group in this country. Crack addicts get sympathy while smokers are scorned. Funny thing is crack heads are willing to steal and kill to satisfy their habit.

Rob Moffitt, spokesman for the American Lung Association of Minnesota, said it [Thune’s support of a smoking ban] makes Thune a more effective campaigner against secondhand smoke. The group recently paid for Thune to speak with Milwaukee officials about a possible smoking ban and could send him to Kansas City to aid the cause there.

Nice part-time gig. I wonder: How much Bob is paying Dave to push the anti-freedom campaign and has/will Thune disclose the number?

This whole thing stinks as bad as Skip Humphrey going to work for one of the agencies that was getting tons of cash from the gang-rape he and Mike Cerisi committed against the tobacco companies.

Ya gotta love the Left: Use government to force your vision of the world on others and to hell with who gets hurt in the process.

They want to save us from ourselves, but who will save us from them?

I hate Lefties.

...And the Sheep Are Scared

A U of M frat is busted for hazing:

The University of Minnesota took the rare step of suspending a fraternity Wednesday after concluding at least 15 members of the St. Paul-based organization forced other members into "degrading behavior" during a tradition of hazing.

Neither the university nor members of the FarmHouse Fraternity would detail the hazing incidents. But the university indicated hazing at the fraternity may have gone on for years.

With a name like "FarmHouse," I shutter to think of what the frat's hazing ritual entailed.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Dems Unveil bin Laden Whacking Plan

WASHINGTON (AP) Anticipating the '06 midterm elections and eager to demonstrate their national security savvy, Democrat leaders have rolled out their own new strategy to locate and eliminate Osama bin Laden.

"Our approach provides a clear choice for voters this fall," explained House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "It is a realistic and well-conceived plan to flush bin Laden out into the open where he can be captured or killed."

Pelosi outlined some details of the Dem's breakthrough strategy during a press conference Wednesday. According to the plan, a high ranking Democrat, under a pretense of detente, would invite bin Laden on a deep sea fishing trip in the Atlantic Ocean. Once the terrorist leader boards and the boat is out of sight from the coast, Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti would emerge from their hiding place below decks, and deliver a "double tap" to the terrorist's skull.

Republicans critical of the plan were quick to point out that not only was bin Laden unlikely to accept such an invitation, but also Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti are not real people.

Senate minority leader Harry Reid dismissed the criticism saying "This method of counter terrorism has been proven time and again as shown by various documentaries aired on HBO. It's time that the reality-based community took the reins in this fight against the terrorists, because this administration has been so ineffective in their search for this one single guy."

A spokesperson for the Bush administration refused to comment because "his gut hurt from laughing so hard."

Pelosi also briefly described a backup plan in which several swarthy agents disguised as olive oil importers would track down bin Laden and invite him out for drinks. Once they gained bin Laden's confidence they would pin his hand to the bar with a stiletto and then strangle him with a silk cord.

She emphasized that this course of action was only a last resort as "our main agent for that job, Pete Clemenza is suffering from weight issues, and is currently unfit to traverse the rugged terrain of northeastern Afghanistan."

Republican Senator Norm Coleman was quick to point out that there were other problems with this "Plan B" as well. "Clemenza's crew has their own things to worry about right now, what with their ongoing battle against that greasy shit 'Turk' Sollozzo to keep drugs off the streets," the first term senator from Minnesota observed. "And I have a feeling that Sal Tessio isn't trustworthy enough to play such a crucial role in this very important national security issue."

Moron Mail

Oh look: drool!

I, like Doug Grow, am perplexed by Sen. Michele Bachmann's statement that a constitutional ban on gay marriage "is the No. 1 issue in the state" (column, March 28). As a voter in Bachmann's district I have a few items that I wish she would put ahead of her personal beliefs:

• Property taxes going through the roof.

But our schools are BURNING! They need that cash!

• Minnesota being the largest importer of electricity in the United States.

Why do you suppose that is, Mikey?

• Over 46 million Americans without health insurance.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• The jobs being created in our country pay less than the jobs that are disappearing.

Accepting your premise as true - which I do not since it was obviously cut and pasted from MoveOn - how, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that? On to talking point #5...

• National debt and trade deficit are at all-time highs.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• Our government is outsourcing our national security.

Everybody say it with me: how, as a mother-f***ing STATE SENATOR, is supposed to do anything about that?

• Corporate America is outsourcing our jobs and national defense.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• Our borders are unguarded.

*sigh* H., A.A.S.S., I.S.S.T.D.A.A.T.?

• The Iraq war.


*triple sigh*

To me gay marriage is a [TALKING POINT ALERT!] wedge issue that politicians put out there to [ANOTHER TALKING POINT ALERT!] distract the American public from their own ineptitude to solve problems that impact our state and country.


Well, it wouldn't be a "wedge issue" if you all just agreed with me.

Oh snap!

And actually, I think there is no better way to demonstrate ineptitude than for a Minnesota state politician to start proposing laws that are solely in the province of the national Congress. Talk about a waste of time.

MEMO TO LA FART: Assuming that you did write this yourself - and I have my doubts - it would make you look less like a drooling ass if you actually read the bullshit you were cutting and pasting from the latest DFL propaganda mill memo, and then edited out the parts that were irrelevant. Either that or you are just a silly little fool with a tenuous grasp on reality and the IQ of an artichoke.

Further evidence suggests the latter.

What say you, Bobo?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Florida Writ Large? Fuggedaboudit! Don't Be a Dumbass.


Dementee did a drive by on this horrifically stupid idea handed down from on high by the Wienerati of Portland Avenue yesterday. Given the absolute abject stupidity of the proposal, I felt that it needed a more thorough fisking.

Actually, not so much a fisking as a series of off color observations and general taunting punctuated by one very compelling reason to run away from the stupidity espoused here.

Let's begin:

This country could form a more perfect union by accepting a novel idea: that the president of the United States should be elected by the people of the United States.

[Rolling eyes]

[Rerolling eyes]

[Focusing eyes on distant object to uncross them]

That's not the way it's done, of course, and, given the Constitution's enshrinement of the Electoral College, things aren't likely to change.

'Enshrinement"? Why do I get the feeling that the Strib Wienerati wouldn't use that same proto-sarcastic phrasing to describe the Equal Protection Clause?

To quit the college would take approval of two-thirds of both houses of Congress and three-quarters of state legislatures, so fuggedaboudit.

Ah yes - we've seen this before: the "Article V is just soooooooo demanding, so let's find an easier way to circumvent the whole 'government of, by and for the people' thing." But let's put that aside for the moment. That the Wienerati believe that the best way to assert the rights of the people is to circumvent their input should surprise nobody. No, this is almost worse:



I'm sorry if I seem a little touchy about this, but there's something rather pathetic about a bunch of WASPs like the Strib Editorial club using that word. I'm part Sicilian, and I never use that word (unless I'm quoting Donnie Brasco - which I rarely do since I only saw part of it on HBO like 7 years ago). Memo to Jim Boyd et al.: you are a bunch of poseurs. You might think using some East Coast ethnic colloquialism makes you "cool" or "hip" or "witty"; that it might appeal to the "young folk"; but actually it makes you sound like a bunch of pathetic WASPs who desperately want to sound less WASPy.

Tell you what: if you promise to stop using faux Italo-speak because you just watched the Sopranos the night before, I promise never to use high-minded WASP editorialist nonsense babble like "This country could form a more perfect union by accepting a novel idea: that the president of the United States should be elected by the people of the United States."


Let's move on.

But now comes a gaggle of bipartisan reformers with a cheeky idea worth considering.

"Cheeky" as in "ass".

What if legislatures, one by one, entered their states into an interstate compact under which members would agree to award their electoral votes to the winner of the national popular vote?

There will be chaos. I'll explain why in a moment.

The compact would kick in only when enough states had joined it to elect a president -- that is, when a majority of the 538 electoral votes were assembled. As few as 11 states could ensure that the candidate with the most popular votes nationally would win the presidency.

And that last sentence ought to scare the shit out of anybody who has more than two brain cells to rub together because of the endless parade of horribles it brings to mind.

As a result, the Constitution and the Electoral College would stay intact, but the college's fangs would be removed.




OK wieners, if this is such a great idea, riddle me this: how, exactly, would this Brave New System handle close elections (like the one in 2000; I'd also wager there are a lot of other members of the Wienerati who would characterize the 2004 election as "close" also)? Most, if not all states have procedures in place in which a candidate can call for and receive a recount if the initial vote totals are inside a certain percentage. There are also provisions that kick in an automatic recount if the election is very close.

Under this proposal, where the compacting states "give" their electoral votes to the popular vote "winner," that popular vote is the combined total of all of the states. A vote in California becomes fungible (look it up, Mr. Boyd) with a vote from Maine.

In the event that the presidential election is decided by less than a percentage point or so, under this brain-dead stinking piece of shit of an excuse for an idea YOU WOULD HAVE TO RECOUNT ALL THE VOTES IN EVERY SINGLE STATE! Remember Florida? Multiply that by 50. You couldn't just recount the "close" states since the the electors would go to the winner of the national popular vote.


That the Electoral College has "worked" in all but one election since 1888 isn't a good enough reason to stay with the status quo.

But a hypothetical quadruple amputee invalid octogenarian apparently is a good enough reason to keep the status quo when the context switches to voter IDs. (At least that's what the memo from the DNC told you to say, right Jim?)

But that's another post for another day.

Now that Minnesota is a battleground getting lots of attention, it's a lot to ask the Legislature to do the right thing and endorse the new compact. But it really should. So should other states -- both red and blue -- join, for the sake of a better democracy.

Ah yes - a "better" democracy. One in which a long line at the polling place is characterized as "disenfranchisement," but making it easy for some drooling assholes to vote for their favorite candidate 5 or 6 times under several different fictional names is "protecting the sacred right to vote."

Fuggedaboudit! Shove it up your butt sideways.

UPDATE: Bobo has his own message for the Portland Avenue Pinheads.

Attention Prospective MilF Participants

Bill and I have begun the planning stage for the 2nd Annual KARNation Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (presented by Buick). Please check your e-mails if you have signed up.

If you thought you were on the list, but did not recieve an e-mail from me, let me know.

Greatest. Mascot. Ever.

No, not Bobo.

Roger Clamens!

Baseball is but a week away...

Monday, March 27, 2006

Update in the Light Rail vs. Conceal-Carry Casualty Contest

After a long drought, the Hiawatha Line finally lit up the scoreboard by inflicting two injuries (one critical) on the populace, thereby extending its lead over permit carriers. The score as it now stands:

Number of people killed or seriously injured (i.e. necessitating hospitalization) by light rail: 4

Number killed or injured (illegally) from a bullet fired by a firearm permit holder: 1

Two-faced as always

Don’t fix what ain’t broke, the Star & Sickle says about a proposal to require a photo ID at the polls.

It ain’t broke but let’s kill it, the Star & Sickle says about the Electoral College.

Am I surprised by the inconsistency? No.

I do, however, continued to be amazed that they think the rest of us won’t notice.

Moron Mail

We have an early leader for the Moron Mailer of the Year Award:

Church and city

Many on the Christian right love to create an uproar over events like the removal of "Happy Easter" signs from City Hall, because it allows them to pretend that they are some kind of oppressed minority.

All we ask is that this oppressive majority keep their Christian flag-waving out of our shared government buildings and functions.

The difficulty they have understanding this desire really belies their [CAUTION: TALKING POINT ALERT!] theocratic tendencies.


People frequently ask me: "Foot - as an expert on moronic communications to our nation's newspapers - how does one become such an irredeemable moron so that they get to be featured in 'Moron Mail'?"

My reply: "Practice. Lots and lots of practice."

Because I gave up swearing for Lent, it's awfully tough for me to put Ben here in his place. But I'll try.

If a picture of the Easter Bunny and a few colored eggs amounts to "your oppression," then you are beyond help. Frankly, I find it very hard to believe that you are not already dead from a) high blood pressure caused things that are truly offensive; or b) high blood pressure caused by a perpetual sense of outrage (EEEEEK! Look! There's a church! Don't we have zoning laws?????!!!!!); or c) an inability to walk and breathe at the same time.

As for the "theocrat" line: [expletive deleted] brain-dead [expletive deleted] is [large string of expletives deleted] line of "thought" you [whoa! really REALLY nasty expletive deleted] pretend to be an intellectual, instead a simple minded [not very nice phrase deleted] take it up [anatomically impossible expletives deleted]. Go listen to some [expletive deleted] Iron Maiden.

Jerk [expletives deleted].

For those of you who enjoy a little profanity, KAR mascot Bobo the Chimp weighs in on Ben's little brain pooping. You don't want to miss it. Just make sure the kids aren't around, and your headphones are on.

UPDATE: Ben's letter has really riled Bobo. Bobo has more.

Don't You Dare Question Their Patriotism Skillz

As I've stated before: there's nothing better than the NCAA men's basketball tournament. It's a solid month's-worth of roller coaster action from the euphoric highs (the Cinderellas; the buzzer beaters) to the depressing, heart-rending lows (Billy Packer). If you possessed enough taste in sport to tune in yesterday, you saw one of the greatest games in recent memory when an undersized and out-manned in just about every way George Mason U knocked off the there-to-fore favorite to win the championship, UConn.

The game had everything: the chess matches within chess matches as each coach alternately tried to solve the other's latest wrinkle while coming up with a new one himself; the gutsiness and mental toughness of a squad that wasn't supposed to be there sticking it to their betters by playing a nearly perfect game (missed free throws notwithstanding); the victorious Patriots' unmitigated joy. I felt it too even though I had never even heard of this school as recently at a month ago.

And mad props to whoever it was at CBS who periodically at certain breaks in the action towar the end of the game, played the little snippets of Lamar Butler singing (or, rather, attempting to sing) "Dream On" during the pregame warmups. Nice touch.

While just about everyone's bracket lies in smoldering ruins this morning (speaking of which: Flash, Sponge - it's official. You each owe me a beer), anybody who witnessed that game probably has a spring in their step today. Many probably don't even realize why.

Oh, and I guess there was a hockey game this weekend. Or something.

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Very Special Message From Bobo

Click here (and then click "Play message") to hear KAR mascot Bobo the Chimp tell you about his exciting plans for the weekend.

My weekend is somewhat less interesting, but more fulfilling. Kids. Beer. Basketball.

Peace out, yo.

Time to Take This Blogging Thing to a Wider Audience

Dear Washington Post:

I am writing to you to apply for your recently-vacated position of Lead Blogger for your Red America blog. I was alerted to this opportunity by the near-deafening sound of a million lefty-bloggers masturbating simultaneously to the news about the plagiarism charges against the previous holder of this position.

As I am sure that you will be very careful with your selection of Mr. Domenech's successor, I will depart from traditional cover letter protocols by telling you about my short-comings up front, in the interests of full disclosure:

* I tend to write about disgusting things.

* I like to use the word "poop".

* I think society would be better off if we all drew larger lessons from Iron Maiden songs.

* When I'm feeling lazy, I write in haiku.

* When I'm feeling really really lazy, I turn my blog over to Sisyphus.

On the other hand, I believe that I possess all the qualities you are looking for in the individual who would run your excellent blog. To wit:

* I am a conservative.

* I have never plagiarized anything. Ever.

* I have over a year of blogging experience, during which time I have mastered the use of the "hyper-link."

* If I relocate to Washington DC, I promise not to stalk Ana Marie Cox (unlike some other potential applicants I could name).

* I have enough command of accounting terms to give your female readership the screaming thigh sweats.

* I know how to properly use a semicolon.

* I only sexually arouse lefties through my sharp wit and hauntingly seductive eyes; never through my personal failings.

I believe that I would be a perfect fit for this position, and together we could make the Red America blog a first class operation. I will contact you in the coming days to set up a time when we could meet and more fully discuss this position. I look forward to talking with you.

Kind Regards,


Good Satire Wields Not a Club, But a Mirror

It has been well documented that those who think that same-sex marriage is a civil right like to paint their opposition with a broad brush. Anyone who thinks that gay marriage is an oxymoron is ipso facto a bigot. They reach that conclusion because a group of knuckle dragging lobotomites from Kansas carry around signs that read "God Hates F@gs," or, in the case of certain brain-cell deprived privileged-childhood "journalists," one single guy holding a sign at a demonstration that says "Homo go home".

It's a losing strategy, of course. Just imagine if a DOMA supporter wrote a letter to the editor and employed this same tactic by characterizing an entire group of people by extrapolating from one of their smallest, basest, vilest most discrete constituents:


What's the point?

So, the child molester lobby thinks that there is some civil right for child molesters to marry each other. Can anybody tell me what good could be brought about by allowing child molesters to marry each other?

I mean, if child molesters want to enter a committed relationship with each other, nothing is stopping them now. The commitment that one person makes to another - including child molesters - is in no way enhanced by a marriage license.

This is just another ploy for the pro-child molester lobby to advance their far left wing child molesting agenda.


Now before you moonbats start threatening my children, ponder this:

Is it less unfair to characterize everybody who supports keeping our marriage laws the same as they currently are as hate-filled bigots because of a couple looney toon Bible thumpers than it is to characterize gay people and gay-marriage proponents as child molesters and child molester supporters because of NAMBLA and a bunch of pedophile priests? Is either epithet borne of a lesser ignorance?

On second thought, don't bother. That sentence was probably too complex for you to handle anyway. And I don't want you to spend too much time figuring how to work a dictionary so you can look up "epithet."

Can this guy really be objective?

By now you’ve all heard about the memo from ABC News Producer John Green.

It said, in part: “Bush makes me sick.” And, “If he uses the 'mixed messages' line one more time, I'm going to puke.”

I think we can all agree that John Green is no fan of the President. More importantly, however, I hope we can agree that it is humanly impossible for him to keep his natural bias from tainting the news. This is not an indictment of him. It is, pure and simple, human nature.

We all have our biases and we can’t turn them off in an effort to be objective. I couldn’t and you couldn’t.

I just wish they – the John Green’s of the world – would admit to their bias rather than pretending they’re independents (who happen to vote democrat 90% of the time) or that they are capable of preventing their bias from showing.

Again With the Anonoblogging Issue

One of the more self-evident Truths of Life is that the world has no shortage of overzealous and underbrained drooling shitbags with too much time on their hands who tend to internalize everything. When something provokes them, they feel that they must ACT; they much LASH OUT and whatever offense pricks their eggshell psyche of the day. Their reaction often (intentionally) manifests itself in rather threatening ways.

Exhibit A (this week).

Friend of KAR (contrary to what some loser inane Norwegians may "think") and LearnedFoot evil twin Mr. Sponge now finds himself at the business end of threats by one of these shitbags.

This serves as a good example of why anonymous blogging is less insidious than some would have you believe. Contrary to the popular view that all bloggers should take "responsibility" for what they write; and that such responsibility is taken by providing one's real name; there are those of us who write under pseudonym not to avoid "responsibility" (yes, I sure do use the word "poop" a lot - wanna make something of it?), but rather to insulate our families from the same drooling imbeciles that Mr. Sponge just encountered.

And there's the scary part: Mr. Sponge does write under a pseudonym (KARNation observes sarcastically "Nooooooo? You Mean his real name isn't 'Clever Sponge'????") (LearnedFoot responds "Ah shaddup!"), and there still was some shitknuckle out there pathological enough to take the time to piece together some clues, and find out Sponge's real name and those of his family members. Or it was a friend playing a prank. Though given the tone of Sponge's post, I doubt it.

Imagine how much easier it would have been if "Clever Sponge" was listed in the phonebook.

I've written about this before. Nothing has changed. And this latest episode just solidifies my position.

On a personal note, we here at the Most Sopranos-like blog on the internet (ifyaknowwhaddimean) would like to extend our support and offer our "services" to Mr. Sponge, should he see the need for them.

On the down low, of course.

Hoops Cred

I resolved that I wouldn't talk smack about my tournament brackets this year. Because of my ongoing attempts to keep The Boy from immolating his sister, I found little time to actually watch much college ball this year. When you're filling out the brackets, it helps to actually have seen some of the teams in it play at some point during the season. Although, of the teams I had seen play, I was pretty spot in. To wit: remember this observation:

Iowa a 3-seed? Syracuse goes from out of the tournament to a 5-seed?

They were indeed overseeded. Not only did the Hawkeyes and the Orangemen fail to make the "Sweet Sixteen" the "Elite Eight" or the "Final Four"; both teams didn't even make it to the "Thrifty Thirty-Two".

So I was left to educated guessing: picking mainly based on seeds, conference strength, coaching and proximity to the home court. In a large, or "real" tournament pool, I wouldn't even be an also ran. I'd be an also also also also also also ran.

But fortunately for me, I was only up against my eternal rival Flash (Motto: "Ill Take Kansas to Go to the Final Four even if They're in the NIT!") and Clever "Hey! One of Our Final Eight Teams Is Still In It!" Sponge. Yes, not only was this the smallest tournament pool on record, but also the most politically balanced!

While none of our brackets were pretty, theirs were far far less pretty than mine:

[Here LearnedFoot tries to copy and paste the standings table into his post, and what results is a meaningless jumble of gobbledygook.]

Ok, let me just sum up: My current score is 45. The maximum score either of my opponents can garner for the rest of the tournament is 46. Meaning I need to just get one out of the four games tonight correct to clinch the pool.

We're still in the Sweet Sixteen. CRED!

A word of advice: Come tournament time, faith in the Big 10 is almost always misplaced. Following that simple rule would have saved Flash (Champion pick: Ohio State) and Sponge (Champion pick: Illinois) (Yes - Illinois) much embarrassment.

So once again Flash will soon find himself in the familiar situation of owing me a beer. As for Sponge, I'll see you at the MilF.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

2 and a Half Brain Cells

Actor Charlie Sheen has a TV show called "Two and a Half Men" in which he stars with another adult actor who plays his brother and a kid who portrays his nephew. So if Sheen quit the show they would have to rename it "Two and a Quarter Men."

My wife, God bless her, loves this show, and thinks Sheen is just a stitch. I generally pay little attention to it, though I must admit to finding a couple episodes pretty funny. Sheen plays a guy in an arrested state of development, and hijinks ensue! Well, 'ol Charlie must have killed a few too many brain cells along the course of his conga-line through life. Has this guy ever had to be a serious person? He grew up in a Hollywood family and went to Beverly Hills High, a bastion of academic pursuit, I'm sure. His dad is Martin Sheen, who likes to scold us all for being racists and pretend he's the president.

Charlie recently had an interview with radio host Alex Jones in which he speculated that there may have been more to the story of 9/11 than meets the eye:

"I saw the South Tower hit live -- that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball -- and it was there was a feeling that it just didn't look, how do I say this, it didn’t like any commercial jetliner that I’ve flown on anytime in my life. And then the buildings came down."

You're right. That looks like a Cessna to me.

Read the rest yourself if you want to know the truth according to Good Time Charlie.

Tyrone Terrill is a Turd

This guy is a complete ass-wipe.

If he had explained his actions based on the mythical, but worshiped, “separation of church and state”, he might have a leg to stand on, but to say the following is proves the man has been brainwashed past the point of no return:

"It would be a good thing to remove the Easter decorations ... as Easter is a Christian holiday and could be offensive to non-Christians."

"If I'm a Muslim, or I'm a Jew, I don't want to look at that."

Since when is it a human right to not be offended? How far would this twerp like to take his idea of human rights?

Perhaps we should erect tall hedgerows around all places of worship so non-believers don’t have to look at them when traveling along public roads and sidewalks.

If I ever see this guy at city hall wearing traditional African clothing, I’m going to have him removed for offending me. You see, I don’t subscribe to the same culture and I will not have Tyrone Terrill throwing his culture in my face.

Next year, you will not be allowed to wear a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button because of cultural and sexual sensitivities.

Tyrone is a jackass who appears to be positioning himself for a job at the United Nations.

MSM takes another blow

The Gray Lady has done it again.

They profiled a woman who claimed to be a Katrina victim that was not being taken care of by the government.

Great story, right? Wrong.

"For its profile, The Times did not conduct adequate interviews or public record checks to verify Ms. Fenton's account, including her claim that she had lived in Biloxi.
Such checks would have uncovered a fraud conviction and raised serious questions about the truthfulness of her account."

I’m not claiming Leftwing bias here – although that is part of the issue. More to the point, however, is that the need to one-up the competition is so pervasive; quality journalism has taken a back seat to sensationalism and being first to market with a story.

Companies throughout history have lost fortunes – if not gone bankrupt – because they’ve put low quality products on the market rather than take the time to create quality ones.

The MSM is going down that same path. Calling Florida for Gore in 2000 and reporting the rapes and murders happening in the Superdome in Katrina’s aftermath are just two examples of major stories that turned out to be wrong.

I think it’s time for the MSM to take on the old Ford slogan: Quality is Job One.

Message Received

Because I like LearnedFood, I mean LearnedFoot, I will refrain from posting on the Johnson-is-a-liar issue unless new developments warrant. That said, my reason for today’s post was not to beat on Dean, rather is was to continue to illustrate the vacuous nature of the Left.

As an invited guest of this fine blog, I will heed my host’s request, but I will not apologize for my actions.

That is all.

Leave the Lying Sack Alone (for now)

What I have to say here may get me eaten by Dementee. But...


Enough with the Dean Johnson thing. Stop it stop it stop it stop it!

The MN GOP is beginning to look like a bunch of Democrats. With their neverending-day-after-day-demogoguing and grandstanding about Dean Johnson stepping in a pile of poop and then employing various euphamisms that come right up to, but stop at the edge of, admitting that he was caught in a lie. We get it.

Enough with the press releases. Enough with the ad campaigns. And a freaking website dedicated to this?


You are beginning to look foolish. This is what they do: catch their bete noir of the week in a gotcha, and bloviate endlessly about corruption or honesty or whatever. Blech.

You know what you do in situations like this? You cry foul for a couple of days about it so that the issue gets the attention it deserves, and then you stick the arrow back in your quiver, and leave it there until elections roll around. That's the time to use it. Ever hear of "peaking too soon"?

"Oh but we need to file an ethics complaint because if we didn't, we'd be tacitly endorsing Dean's behavior!"

Oh really? What if the complaint is dismissed?

Then your best weapon for pushing this jerk out of office just evaporates.

I dunno. Maybe I think this way because I don't wallow in politics like some. I have more regard for the system than those who operate within it. Like most people (I hope) I don't elevate politicians to demi-god status, nor do I consider any single election to be either the salvation or downfall of our civilization. I don't self righteously proclaim myself virtuous because I voted for the guy who will raise taxes on somebody else to purportedly help the least among us, and call it "compassion." Politics is a means, but by no means an end.

I suppose I think this way because I am more concerned with those things over which I have immediate power to affect. I have a family to look after. I have a career. I have to cogitate daily about how to work the word "poop" into a blog post. The nimrods in St. Paul or Washington DC - not so much.

This is what it means to be "conservative." It certainly doesn't mean merely tacking an "R" after your name. And it sure as hell doesn't mean playing the game the same way that a bunch of knee-jerk hate-filled spittle-flecking left-wing activists play it. If that strategy were actually effective, they'd be playing "Hail to the Chief" every time John Kerry walked into the room right now.

Ponder that, MN GOP, before you issue that next DEAN JOHNSON IS A LIAR!!! press release (which I'm sure just arrived in my inbox as I wrote that last sentence).

March Moron Madness

With apologies to the NCAA, I almost fell off my chair when I read the letters from Dean Johnson’s drooling apologists in the SPPP. I had to double check the masthead to make sure it wasn’t the Star & Sickle.

Secret taping was slimy
State Republicans infiltrate a private nonpolitical get-together of Sen. Dean Johnson's fellow ministers and secretly (and illegally) tape it so that they can use cleverly edited parts of it in their anti-gay marriage campaign ads.
St. Paul

Nice language Tamara: “infiltrate”, “cleverly edited”. Do you, being an A-1 idiot, really buy the black helicopter Bullshit you are peddling? Do you think there is a vast rightwing conspiracy out to get Dean Johnson? Does your doctor allow you to operate heavy machinery and handle sharp instruments?

Taping wasn't 'Minnesota Nice'
The real story isn't what Johnson said, but that the partisan opponent who secretly recorded Johnson broke Minnesota law. State code 626A.02 forbids the recording of a conversation by a third party unless one of the people in the conversation knows about the recording. From what's been reported so far, Johnson addressed a group of pastors while another pastor— not part of their conversation— set out to catch him on tape.
St. Paul

Another MENSA member claims the law has been broken. OK, Burt, I’ll play along. How is it possible that the one pastor with a tape recorder was not part of the conversation when he was in the same room as the others and, presumably, was not trespassing?

Not his kind of Christianity
So Sen. Dean Johnson embellished the truth a little. What worries me more is the pastor who, with partisan political paranoia, secretly taped Johnson's remarks and then peddled them to politicos and the press.

Jim loves the letter P, but he can’t seem to tell the difference between a little embellishment and bald-faced lie.

A Minnesota Judas
Pastor Brent Waldemarsen is a present-day Judas.

Under the guise of friendship, he "befriends" a fellow man-of-the-cloth so he can be invited to a pastors' meeting Johnson is attending. Next, he furtively tape-records Johnson's indefensible divergence from truth. He then betrays his fellow clergymen by turning the tape over for public exposure so as to damage Johnson's reputation.

Judas Priest! (That’s for you, Bill). J.M. has been reading too may Vince Flynn novels. All of this cloak and dagger stuff is fun to read, but I’m afraid it has made J.M. more stupid that he already was.

If these letter aren’t proof positive that the Left have gone stark-raving mad, nothing is.

The theme of conspiracy that runs through this pile of putrefied puss is an amazing illustration of just how far the caboose has gone around the bend.

The DFL is dying and Dean is tolling the bell.

Granny Smith in Golf Pants

The Minnesota Senate is considering honoring the Honeycrisp:

The Honeycrisp apple was developed in Minnesota, and it would become the official state fruit under a bill being considered by the Senate State and Local Government Operations Committee at noon.

Minnesota's current state fruit could not be reached for comment:

(KAT to Chad the Hoser)

Has Thune change his tune?

Dave Thune – the anti-smoking zealot – has his undies in a bunch over the removal of a stuffed rabbit and a “Happy Easter” sign from the lobby of city hall.

Thanks, but no thanks jerk. Your credibility when advocating for personal freedom went up in smoke a long time ago.

Shove off.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Not so fast Governor Pawlenty

I’m not willing to join the governor in calling for forgiveness of Lyin’-Dean Johnson (I want to continue beating him up over this for a while). After all, according to Governor Pawlenty, "Senator Johnson has admitted being untruthful."

I hate to contradict The Guv, but, Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire Johnson has done no such thing.

On the contrary, he’s been dancing so much for the last week; one might think he’s in training for a worthless reality TV program. It started with an admission to “embellishing” his story, then he moved on to “sanding the truth.”

I’m waiting for this vaunted man-of-the-cloth to step up and say, “I lied. I said I spoke with members of the Minnesota Supreme Court and I didn’t. I brought into question the integrity of the Minnesota Supreme Court and, most specifically, the members I mentioned by name.

“Further more,” he continues, “I am a lying sack of dung that deserves to be thrown out of my leadership position and, if my constituents wish, out of office. In addition, I want my wife to know that I’ve never actually held an evening meeting of my caucus. In reality, I’ve been tossing back the tequila buying lap dances at The Lamplighter.”

Am I asking for too much?

The Imputation Game

Leftist spinner (hey, Nick - if the codpiece fits...) NonMonkey attempts to characterize the whole by one guy holding one offensive sign. Oh sure, on Planet Nick, the whole are just as bigoted as the one drooling idiot. But, according to our Least Favorite Anti-Simian they would prefer that their bigotry be kept under wraps. (Go read, but duct tape your head first.)

So since NonMonkey's observations of the Pro_marriage Amendment rally were so bigoted themselves, and since NonMonkey apparently didn't consider that the imputation door swings both ways (pun definitely not intended), I thought that it would be fun to explore what type of person he is by extrapolating from the characteristics of his fellow travelers. I searched the web far and wide for images of his brothers in arms, who - again using the "logic" prevalent on Planet Nick - in the aggregate and to a moonbat, share his passions and predjudices. Here is what I found out about the black black soul of NonMonkey:

NonMonkey thinks black people are apes.

NonMonkey is an acid freak.

NonMonkey is a communist. (Although we've always suspected that.)

NonMonkey is an exhibitionist.

NonMonkey is intolerant.

NonMonkey openly advocates the overthrow of our system of government.

NonMonkey doesn't like pants.

NonMonkey likes to dress up like Donald Rumsfeld in drag and spout off tinfoil hatted conspiracy theories. (We've all suspected that one too.)

NonMonkey supports the election of Nazis to public office.

NonMonkey likes to have sex with woody plants.

"The company you keep..." right?


The results of a new poll released today reveal that public approval of Mayor Bogus Doug's handling of the Great War on the Nihilist is at an all time low.

The Flarfinger-KARNation poll revealed that only 12% of respondents approve of the Mayor's handling of the war. This is an all time low for not only Mayor Doug but for any administration in recent memory.

While the Office of the Mayor refused to comment, most analysts agreed that Mayor Doug is the worst MOB official ever, and should be impeached.

33% of pollees disapproved of the mayor's performance while 56% felt that puppies are cute.

SAMPLE: The poll was conducted between March 20, 2005 and March 22, 2005. Seven people who could read and were willing to answer were asked "Do you approve or disapprove of Mayor Doug's handling of the war?" Total number of votes tabulated: 52, resulting in a margin of error of +/- 387%.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Be Careful! That Term Is Loaded!

I'd like to revisit Dementee's earlier Moron Mail (BTW, Dementee would it be too much to ask for you to a) provide a link; and b) spoof the moron's name? I've found that these narcissistic a-holes loooooove to google themselves. I have little time to deal with them properly while also providing quality content for this blog. Please try harder in the future m-kay? Please don't hurt me.)

Sorry about that.

Anyway, one of my big pet peeves is the use - or rather misuse - of loaded terms. That is, buzzwords offered completely seriously at face value and intended to provoke a negative response in the reader. What really fries my cheese curds is when some retarded sanctimonious dimwit throws out a loaded term seemingly blissfully unaware as to what the word even means.

I'm talking about this bit here (emphasis mine):

For a fellow clergyman to record a colleague's remarks in such a setting without his knowledge or permission, and then make them public through an organization known to oppose the colleague's position on a political issue is just plain unprofessional, if not entrapment.

Here's the definition of entrapment from Black's Law Dictionary (I suppose I could do detailed research about all the nuances and issues relevant to entrapment, including citing treatises and Supreme Court opinions, but I bill at $300 per hour. I'm sure most of you can't afford that. In any event, the BLD definition of "entrapment" is more than adequate to blow this loser out of the water):

entrapment, n. A law enforcement officer's or government agent's inducement of a person to commit a crime, by means of fraud or undue persuasion, in an attempt to later bring criminal prosecution against that person.

Therefore, entrapment (which is a legal defense) is comprised of 4 elements, all of which must apply:

1) An agent of the government;

2) Fraudulently induces or unduly persuades another person

3) To commit a crime

4) For purposes of later prosecuting the person with the crime.

Now let's see if what the letter drooler proposes might be entrapment really is that:

1) A pastor, not a government agent...

2) Turned on a tape recorder. Nothing more.

3) Lying about something in this context is not a crime.


So out of the 4 elements of entrapment we have 0 fulfilled here.

There are 3 elements to being a moron:

1) Not knowing what the fuck you are talking about;

2) Fudging facts; and

3) Using bombastic language to cover up your ignorance and fudged facts.

OK, I made those up.

Anyhoo, I'm tired of BIGOTED people like Robert from Apple Valley RAPING the English language, and pummeling us over our heads us with their NAZI PROPAGANDA!

Leave the Lying Sack Alone

Amazing what passes for an example of integrity today. The letters to the Star & Sickle are too damn funny for words.

The same members of the Looney Left who claim W lied because he relied on bad information, can’t bring themselves to call Dean Johnson a liar for making statements he KNEW to be false.

Here’s what some of what two of Johnson’s apologists had to say:

Johnson is an [sic] model of integrity that most of us could only dream of aspiring to.


He’s a liar, Aeleah. Dean Johnson is a liar who tried to tried to make his case by accusing several Minnesota State Supreme Court justices of judicial of, at best, judicial impropriety. You are one screwed up individual if that is an illustration of integrity.

But wait, there’s more…

For a fellow clergyman to record a colleague's remarks in such a setting without his knowledge or permission, and then make them public through an organization known to oppose the colleague's position on a political issue is just plain unprofessional, if not entrapment.

Ethics aside, what about simple professional courtesy?


What about not lying to keep your colleagues from continuing to pursue a line of questioning? Did you ever think of that, Robert?

You can’t parse this one: Dean Johnson lied. He lied, he lied, he lied.

And now that his lies have been shown the light of day, he’s changing his story, like a crook, every time he opens his mouth. He actually said he “sanded off the truth.” What the hell does that mean?

Kick his ass out. He said what he said and he needs to pay the price. Not for lying, but for bringing the Supreme Court into this.

Keep track of the unfolding controversy at

Nihilist in Golf Pants Fun Fact!

His last name is a synonym for "gay"!

the blog mart

the blog mart by brian o'timm

Revolutionary technology portends glorious future of internet

Things have been busy here at blog mart central. I have discovered a wonderful new internet device that makes my job, as well as the experience of all of those hundreds of blog surfers, a snap. It is called the "Hyper-Link".

During my weekly excursions into the "blogosphere" I noticed that "bloggers" occasionally would include "highlighted" words in their "postings." Well, one time I accidentally "clicked" on one of these "hyperlinks" and was magically "whisked" to a completely different "internet" "website." I tried repeating this procedure at other "blogs" and found that not only did these so-called "hyper-links" take me to different places in the wild frontier that is the "internet," but that frequently my "hyper-linked" destination tended to be relevant to the "blog" "posting" I was reading. It occurred to me that "bloggers" insert these "hyper-links" to provide additional "information" or "context" to the "subject" about which they are writing. Although I also found that some of the lesser blogs (1) tend to also "copy" and "paste" the entire text of what they are "hyper-linking" to while also providing the "hyper-link" itself.

Cool! Kewl!

So the potential for this nifty new technology is endless. For example, in the Future, instead of merely writing a sentence like "The cloudless sky is bright blue today," and risk the possibility that some may not know exactly what I mean, I will be able to enhance the text with background "hyper-links" like this: "The cloudless sky is bright blue today." This will spell the end of miscommunication as we know it, and possibly lead to world peace!

Once again, the "bloggers" have shown us the way.

I will use "hyper-links" sparingly for the time being, as I am sure that many of the blog mart's readers are not yet as astute about their usage as I am. I would hate for an unsuspecting reader to follow one of my "'links" and get lost in the internet.

Because of my research of "hyper-linking" I was unable to make my comprehensive peregrinations around the "blogosphere." So instead, here is a truncated wrap of the the blog buzz for last week, from only the truly essential blogs.

Don't quit Barry!

Slugger Barry Bonds is really beginning to feel the heat due to the release of a new "book" called The Game of Shadows. The book presents new, compelling and voluminous evidence that Bonds did indeed ingest and inject enough steroids to kill a hippo.

Blogger MC Hammer of the MC Hammer Blog (2) rushed to Bonds' defense, writing eloquently that quitting baseball is not an acceptable option (the following is known among the "blog" cognoscenti like me as a "blockquote"):

Under no circumstances are you allowed to quit, exit , leave, retire,
walkout or any other form of saying bye that would equate to you aborting the
mission. This is not your mission alone. This is baseball's, and millions of
baseball fans mission. For all of us who played the game and the love the game,
to see you walkout while in earshot of the all time most prestigious record in
the game of baseball would be a slap in our collective faces.


1 Lesser Blog -
2 The MC Hammer Blog -


We're all primordial soup!

Left-wing bloggers continue to pile on MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews for being a right-wing tool because he observed that Michael Moore "sounds a lot like Osama bin Laden" about a month ago. Only time will tell if the former Jimmy Carter speechwriter, staffer for Tip O'Neill (D - Mass.), and staffer for Sen. Ed Muskie (D - Me.) will be able to withstand the withering attacks from the Kosslings and the Atrioshitheads.

Only blogger MC Hammer has yet to take a position on the matter.

Monday, March 20, 2006


As the Great War Against the Nihilist enters its second day many analysts and "scholars" (so qualified because they "read, like, 25 newspapers a day") are beginning to label it a "quagmire." Indeed KAR has suffered a significant setback today, because for some mysterious reason, its graphics will not load. This is no doubt due to the neferious efforts of the Evil One, who once expressed disgust at one of KAR's inventive header graphics.

In a limp effort to quell the hostilities, The Mayor has tried to get these two intractible enemies to "talk" through an interblogular mediator.

Both sides have refused.

As this latest development appears to significantly weaken the Mayor's influence, and indeed marks a low point for his administration, now would be a good time to commission a poll.

You'll find it atop the sidebar. One vote per computer per day.

May God have mercy on us all.

Moron Mail Scoreboard

Number of letters in today's Strib bashing Katherine Kersten's latest column against same sex oxymoronic marriage: 4

Number of those letters which, in one way or another, characterized Kersten (and by extension, those who agree with her) as a hate-filled bigot: 4.

You've conceded the argument. Time to go home.

Sharon Stone: "Breathing Key to Peace"

PARIS (PUPI) - During a press conference in France, noted geopolitical expert and bush trimmer Sharon Stone outlined her one-step plan for peace in the Middle East.

"It feels to me that we have an opportunity ... to choose understanding in a new way," Stone began before getting onto the specifics of her watershed plan: "And it really is just a breath. It's just an agreement that's just a breath. We are not far apart. We can choose to have this alternative kind of growth that is a collective nuance of understanding. We are just that breath away from a peaceful co-existence."

While she was adamant that the "Breath Protocol" was indeed the way to lasting peace, she refused to get more detailed about the type of breathing involved. For instance, one reporter present asked whether the breaths necessary to bring about mutual understanding would be labored like those used by some women during child birth, or would the breathing need to be a less staccato-like, but more sustained heavy-type breathing like what one experiences while running. Stone ignored the question.

LearnedFoot, the Chief Happiness Officer of the Kool Aid Report Institute for Peace and Justice Studies, was skeptical of Stone's proposal: "I don't see how breathing on someone will make them more agreeable. Hell, have you ever smelled my breath after I've had the manigott' and several beers? Not exactly an invitation for detente'"

Mr. Foot, whose own organization has seen several peace plans like the "Circle of Praxis" the "Social Change Wheel" and the "Rhombus of Beer" fall flat, conceded that there is some potential in Stone's idea.

"The breathing thing is an interesting angle, but I think Sharon employs the wrong approach. If those verminous Islamo-fascist licknobs just stopped breathing, I think we could see peace in our time."

Richard Belzer Knows Stuff

Mitch notes the condescension stink lines emanating from Richard Belzer's head during an episode of that condescension festival otherwise known as Real Time With Bill Maher:

On March 17th's episode of Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO, actor and comedian Richard Belzer claimed he is more educated about the war in Iraq than our troops who have been there. And claiming that our troops don't really know anything about the war in Iraq was not the only insult Belzer cast at the troops. (See

You think everyone over there is a college graduate? They're 19 and 20-year-old kids who couldn't get a job," he said disparaging the troops, to Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R Fla) on Maher's show.

In a condescending way, Belzer claimed he was much more informed than any US soldier because they don't read "twenty newspapers a day" like he apparently claims to do.

He told Representative Ros-Lehtinen that her step-son, currently serving in Iraq, isn't a "brilliant scholar about the war because he's there."

[Here, LearnedFoot fires up his good friend wikipedia]

Born in Bridgeport, Connecticut, [Belzer] grew up with his parents and older brother. He worked as a paperboy and became known for his uncontrollable wit, which caused him to be kicked out of every school he attended. After high school he was a reporter for the Bridgeport Post. He unsuccessfully attended junior college and later enlisted in the Army. He soon realized it was a mistake and tried to get out. (Internal links to Bridgeport and Bridgeport Post excised -ed.)

And now we all do the "In Your Face, Dick" Dance!

Nothing like hoisting someone on their own Belzer.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


So this is the way it's going to be.

Bring it, bitch.

Here are the Top 11 facts that Nihilist Neglected to tell you:

11. When I offered The Nihilist the cheat sheet, he said "I already have it."

10. On the same quiz last year, Team Nihilist got a 6. This is the same score that Vince Young got on the Wunderlich.

9. The Nihilist went to Notre Dame.

8. I was one of four people on the team. Why pick on me? Why not pick on Captain Fishsticks, whose contribution was about as useful as his position on gay marriage (to wit: "Hey - why not?")

7. The Nihilist is a shitknob.

6. Atomizer's Dad was on Nihilist's team. Atomizer's Dad is a walking encyclopedia, and most likely carried that team.

5. The only reason The Nihilist is a frequent guest on The Patriot Insider is because he's the only person on the planet that can make Mark Yost's voice seem fit for radio.

4. "A boat made out of waterproof material" sounded like a fake answer choice.

3. Of the two answers Nihilist claims were on the cheat sheet, both were either incomplete or erroneous.

2. Nihilist is jealous because I am taller, manlier and better looking than he is.

1. He benefited from the lack of Brokeback Mountain questions.


A state of war now exists between our two blogs. We have recalled our ambassadors. Bill has retreated to the Secret Tactical Photoshop Lab (STaPL) where he will be ramping up our arsenal.

We call on the Mayor to censure The Nihilist in Golf Pants for his outrageous behavior and his slanderous remarks.

We call on Sisyphus to distance himself from this madman.

We call on the Fraters to stop posting their "B" material on the Nihilist's hate blog.

May God have mercy on all of us.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Those Who Ignore History Are Doomed to Wind Up Featured in Moron Mail


Chuck, I can pound the living shit out of this letter in 6 justices:

An activist court?

The Republican Party leadership at the Capitol, including Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Speaker of the House Steve Sviggum, are once again pushing a proposal to add a divisive amendment to the November ballot that would deny gay couples both the right to marry and to enter into civil unions.

They do this because they say that activist courts could undo our existing state law, which defines marriage as existing between one man and one woman.

There are seven members of the Minnesota Supreme Court. Five of the current court were nominated by and sworn in under Republican governors, two were nominated by Independence Party Gov. Jesse Ventura, and not a single member of the court was put into office by a Democratic governor.

So unless my simple math is incorrect, these judges will be by a 5-2 margin those appointed by the Republicans themselves. Doesn't sound like a court that fits the Republican definition of an "activist" court.

This further shows how the effort to put the "gay marriage" proposal on the November ballot by the Republican leadership is a misleading and highly divisive initiative designed for the sole purpose of putting more Republicans into political office.



Chief Justice Earl Warren - Left-leaning justice

Nominated by: Eisenhower (R)

Justice Harry Blackmun - Wrote the opinion of the Court in Roe v. Wade

Nominated by: Nixon (R)

David Souter - Left leaning justice

Nominated by: George HW Bush (R)

John Paul Stevens - One of the biggest liberals to ever sit on the bench

Nominated by: Nixon (R)

Chief Justice Warren Burger - Supposed "strict constructionist" who joined the majority in Roe v. Wade, and gave us the awful "Lemon" Test (Justice Scalia once famously remarked in a dissent that the Lemon Test was aptly named).

Nominated by: Nixon (R)

Sandra Day O'Connor - Never saw an abortion regulation she wouldn't strike down; thought certain Affirmative Action programs were not a violation of the Equal Protection clause, but hinted that may change in 20 years or so.

Nominated by: Reagan (R)

So unless my simple math history is incorrect, (and not even accounting for the fact that Democrats have on occasion nominated conservative justces - Benjamin Cordozo comes to mind - although not for a very, very long time) the party affiliation of the nominator does not necessarily determine the judicial philosophy of the nominee.

*poof* There goes Duh's thesis.

And that last paragraph is so loaded with rhetoric and absent any coherent thought, I'm not going to even touch it. Hell, we're all stupider for having read it.

UPDATE: In case you don't feel like scrolling back up, let's replay this line from Duh's dispatch:

Five of the current court were nominated by and sworn in under Republican governors, two were nominated by Independence Party Gov. Jesse Ventura, and not a single member of the court was put into office by a Democratic governor.

Wrong. Or to put it in a language that drooling imbeciles like Duh will better understand:


Our good pal Sisyphus correctly points out that former Viking and current somewhat left-wing justice Alan Page was elected, not appointed, to the Minnesota Supreme Court in 1992. I have neither the time nor the inclination to research how many other MSC justices arrived on the bench via election rather than appointment. But I really don't think it's necessary. By now it's been made crystal clear that this moron is just talking (er, writing) out of his ass.

And That About Does It For Number 8

BILL: Number 8 didn't work.

LEARNEDFOOT: Not even close.

BILL: Flop-a-roony.

LF: Miserable failure. Of course, it didn't help that the primary target ended up on our team...

BILL: Or that Mr. Sailor Man didn't know that a "currah" is a boat.

LF: Yeah. And a "waterproof" boat at that.

BILL: And our rift with the Nihilist in Golf Pants deepened.

LF: Indeed. There are dark days ahead. We teeter on the brink of war.

BILL: *sigh*

LF: *sigh*

BILL: Anything happen after I left?

LF: Well, Gary and I formed a new band: Metallicacapella. All vocal Metallica covers. We feature a bitchin' twin air guitar assault.

BILL: Sorry I missed it.

LF: No you're not.

BILL: You're right. I'm not.

Johnson lies while the Star & Sickle Hides.

I guess the elitist Pointy-headed Pricks on the S&S editorial board are so damned superior to the rest of us, they see no reason to read their own paper or listen to “The Tape” before spouting off about the pile of shit Dean Johnson has jumped into.

The excerpts from this puddle of piss say it all:

“The DFL senator from Willmar got caught on tape implying that he had assurances about the outcome of possible gay marriage litigation from state Supreme Court justices that the justices vow and he now says he does not have.”

“Even if Johnson was only voicing his own inference from his acquaintance with several justices and a casual conversation with one of them…”

Now, here, is part, is what Dean said to his fellow clergy:

"I have had a number of visits with them about our law. All of them, every one of them, including the lady who just stepped down, Kathleen Blatz, was my seatmate (in the Minnesota House) for four years. She was the chief justice. You know what her response was? 'Dean, we all stand for election too, every six years.' She said 'We're not going to touch it.' That's what she said to me."

Implying that he had assurances? Voicing his own inference?

Imply: To make something understood without expressing it directly.

Infer: Conclude something on the basis of reasoning.

Do you partisan hacks want to stand by those statements? It is quite obvious that you are ignoring the Donkey and the accompanying donkey shit that is sitting in the middle of the room.


Johnson shot off his mouth and, either way you cut it, he flat out lied.

Either he lied when he said he had “a number of visits” with justices “about our law”. Or he lied when he went into Cover-Your-Ass mode.

He can’t have it both ways and he should pay the price.

I think it’s time for a new majority leader.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Thin Lizzy (As Modified By Me) Can Teach Us a Lot About What's Going Down Tonight

[Thursday] night they'll be dressed to kill
Down at [Keegans's pub] and grill
The drink will flow and blood will spill
And if [Nihilist and Foot] want to fight, you'd better let them --Thin Lizzy

The Mill Town Throwdown between The Nihilist in Golf Pants and yours truly happens tonight.

There will be beer.

There may be blood.

Be there and glory in the carnage.

You Know Why I Never Write About Particle Physics?

Because I know absolutely nothing about it. Rather than making a fool out of myself bloviating about blue quarks or whatever, I just leave it to the pros.

On the other hand, there's Jeff Fecke.

If you want more background, just look at Dementee's posts from the past two days and their comment threads. Since I don't want to get between these two (I could lose an eye!) I'm just going to knock down Jeff's, uh, misconceptions. I'll leave Jeff's strawmen, cute rhetorical flourishes and airs of superiority to da Monster.

First, Jeff quoting himself (from a thread here I think):

I have no right to refuse to do my job. I work in shipping. If tomorrow we start shipping weaponry, I have a choice to quit my job or work. I can't say, "I'm a pacifist, I don't want to ship weapons."

Nope. You do have a right to refuse to do your job. That the consequences of doing so may be negative is of no moment.

Here's an easy, extremely dumbed-down (and by no means applicable to every issue) way for you "moderate" lefties out there to determine whether or not you have a legal right.

Think of an action you might take. Any action. Then ask your self this: can I be lawfully arrested, convicted and punished (by the state) for that action? If the answer is "yes" then, sadly, you have no right in that hypothetical instance.

If I employ you and tell you to jump, and you respond by saying "piss off" rather than "how high?," nobody is going to come and arrest you. If I called the cops, they'd laugh at me (unless you refused to leave after I fired you and showed you the door; then you'd be trespassing). If however you tell me to piss off and then burn down my office, you're going to jail since you have no "right" to commit arson.

Onward to gaffe number 2:

Essentially, the bill would allow pharmacists to refuse to fill a prescription, as long as they notified their employer in writing in advance. It doesn't specifically state that an employer can't fire a pharmacist for doing so, but I'd hate to be on the employer side of that wrongful termination suit.

It doesn't state that an employer can't fire a pharmacist because the amendment is to A LAW THAT DEALS WITH WHICH ACTIONS OF PHARMACISTS THE BOARD OF PHARMACY (a regulatory body of the state) CAN OR CANNOT PUNISH. It's a regulatory law. Like a law authorizing (or directing) the EPA to impose fines on certain types of pollutors. The amendment goes nowhere near the employment statutes, and in no way alters any common law torts (look it up in a dictionary, Jeff), if any, that would apply in the case of a discharge due to actions taken pursuant to conscience.

And Gaffe 2.5:

After all, a pharmacist has the right now to tell their boss that they don't want to do something, and their boss has the right to fire them.

So it's either a pointless bill or a bill that imposes new restrictions on employers; either way, it's a bad bill and should be shot down forthwith.

No it's not either. The law states (quite clearly - unless you're a "moderate" lefty) that the Board of Pharmacy cannot sanction a Pharmacist for acting in accordance with his or her conscience. That's it. It has nothing to do with any employment relationship. Go - read it now. See for yourself.

I know Jeff: it's tough living on a planet with Other People. Because Other People have rights too. And sometimes the rights of Other People come into conflict with your own. In this case, that right is the Free Exercise clause.

Oh I know: you're saying that if these pharmacists won't do their jobs (in this case, having a problem with one out of 769,512 drugs that cause no moral dilemmas) they should find a new line of work. That's a little self-important when you consider all those pharmacists who got into the business long long before the "Morning After Pill" was even just a sick dream.

And Dementee joins a long line of conservatives who just can't admit he might be wrong. Too bad. It would almost make me say he's fucking stupid, if I was the type to resort to ad hominem attacks. But I'm not, of course.

Et tu, Jeffy?

The KAR Trivia Night Super Happy Funtime Hoedown Singalong Jamboree

BILL: Hi everybody! Glad you could make it. Good to see you here again JB.

JB DOUBTLESS: Hey, any opportunity to perform my favorite song: Afternoon Delight...

BILL: Unfortunately we're going a different direction today.

LF: We're doin' Number 8!

JB: Number 8? What's that?

[The Head of Alfredo Garcia chucks his jaw harp over his shoulder and magically produces a bitchin' "Flying V" guitar and an obnoxiously large amp.]

BILL: Everybody ready? OK. Oh and you out there: you can sing along with us too using this cheesy midi version!

A one... and a two... and a one two three four

[The Head begins playing the loudest, rudest, crunchiest death chords ever to eminate from an amplifier. JB looks on in horror.]

LF: [Singing evilly] End of passion play, crumbling away / I'm your source of self-destruction / Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear / Leading on your death's construction


BILL: [Singing evilly] Come crawling faster (faster) / Obey your master (master) / Your life burns faster (faster) / Obey your master!


HOAG: [Singing evilly] Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams





[JB continues to look on in horror]

LF: Needlework the way, never you betray / Life of death becoming cleareeeeer / Pain monopoly, ritual misery / Cheee-yop your breakfast on a mirroooorrrrrr!


LF: Come crawling faster


LF: Obey your master


LF: Your life burns faster


LF: Obey your master! Master!

BILL: Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams / Blinded by me, you can't see a thing / Just call my name, 'cause Ill hear you scream

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!! MAsteerrrrrrrr....

[The Head launches into a 16 minute guitar solo. Lots of moshing and headbanging. Dementee sets all the furniture on fire. JB looks on in horror]


LF: Where's the dreams that I've been after?


LF: You promised only lies.


LF: All I hear or see is laughter.


LF: Laughing at my criiiiieeeees!

[The Head rips into a furious 7 minute long bridge. JB looks on in horror.]

HOAG: Hell is worth all that, natural habitat / Just a rhyme without a reasonnnnnn

BILL: Neverending maze, drift on numbered days / Now your life is out of seasonnnnnnn


BILL: Come crawling faster


BILL: Obey your master!


BILL: Your life burns faster


BILL: Obey your master! MASTER!

LF: Master of puppets I'm pulling your striiiiinnnnnngs / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams / Blinded by me, you can't see a thiiiiiiing /





[The Head closes with an 8 minute long riff. JB looks on in horror.]

BILL: Great job guys! We'll see how well Number 8 works tonight!

JB: What the hell kind of left-wing nihilistic depressing garbage was that?

LF: It's a song about why you shouldn't do drugs.

JB: Oh.


JB: If that one is Number 8, then what is Afternoon Delight?

BILL: Number 2.

LF: Way to work in the poop angle, Bill! See ya' tonight.

Jamboree Singalong Planning Conference

Joined in progress...

BILL: So we're going to shelve "Afternoon Delight." OK. What are we going to sing then?

LEARNEDFOOT: I think we go with Number 8.

BILL: Number 8!? Ooooo! Do ya think it'll work? I mean, I'll bet that there are a lot of people that don't know that one. How will the tune get caught in people's heads to the point of distraction?

LF: Well, for the few who do get affected by it, it will be debilitating. Once it gets into the target's head, It'll be like a jackhammer ceaselessly pounding on the brain, driving all constructive trivia-related thought out. If Gary or Homeboy are there, Number 8 will definitely take them out. It may hit a narrower range of victims, but the ones it does affect will be decemated. Think of it as the bird flu of music.

BILL: Alrightee then. Number 8 it is...

To be continued.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Jeff swings and misses, again

He makes the same mistake all Lefties do when talking about rights: He thinks exercising them should be consequence free.

On the contrary, quite often one must deal with negative consequences when they stand up for their rights. But Jeff, like most good Leftists doesn’t understand the power held in check by The Constitution is that of the government.

You have every right to stand on the front step of your employer’s offices and tell the world that the company makes a lousy product. Government cant’ touch you, but the boss can certainly fire your ass – and should.

Now, on to his latest bucket of drool, a comment on this post:

I have no right to refuse to do my job. I work in shipping. If tomorrow we start shipping weaponry, I have a choice to quit my job or work. I can't say, "I'm a pacifist, I don't want to ship weapons."

You have every right to refuse, you idiot, and your boss has every right to fire your ass for refusing to do your job.

I'm contracted to do a job. I can do the job, or not. I don't have the right to do the parts of the job I like and refuse to do the parts of the job I don't like. You have no right to do your job without compromising your moral beliefs. Don't like it? Tough. Go found your own company.

Congratulations on brining forth another irrelevant argument. The pharmacist doesn’t work under a contract. If he/she does and refuses to dispense medication then they are in breach of that contract and should be treated accordingly.

God, I though[sic] conservatives were supposed to understand capitalism.

For the love of God, are you really this ignorant. Do you not understand the concept of a free market? How F&%$ing stupid are you, really?

The pharmacists in question are practicing in a free market economy (emphasis on the word free) by refusing to do something that goes against their beliefs. If their boss doesn’t like it, they’ll get fired.

If you don’t like it find another pharmacist.

What the hell is so difficult for you to understand here?