Friday, April 28, 2006

KAR EXCLUSIVE: Star Spangled Banner in Mongolian

Fresh on the heels of the outrage over a Spanish version of the Star Spangled Banner, KAR has obtained another foreign language knockoff of our national anthem; this one in Mongolian. Despite the vast resouces of our crack KAR Research Team, we were unable to translate the song in house. In fact, the only person we could find that speaks Mongolian, doesn't speak English. Fortunately, he does speak Mandarin Chinese. So once we had the Mandarin version, we located a native speaker of that language who also speaks Bantu. The Bantu translation was run through our regular Bantu to Portugese tranlator (we've used her before, and were quite happy with her work). From there, our Portugese to German (Bavarian dialect) guy did his work which allowed the Head of Alfredo Garcia, who seemed to recall that he took German in high school "or something," to finally get this Mongolian Star Spangled Banner translated to English.

So below is America's first look of the Mongolian Star Spangled Banner:

Oh, speak to your envisionment regarding the Close Star's appearance anew
We vainly told ago night?
Wherein widening serpents and constellation into the dangerous murdering horde,
Above the castle viewing eminent nicely
And spaceman glowed profusely; exploding in the gases
Evidenced the continuousness of the cloth

Oh, speak to the constellationousness(*) of continuous cloth flapping
Atop the dirt of licentiousness,
In adition to the dwelling of super happy exciting fun gun-toting man.

* Translator not sure if this is an actual word.

Fuck ‘em

Enough is enough. Keep your dirty hands off of the National Anthem.

These pigs don’t know when to stop. First asshole Adam Kidron produces The Star Spangled Banner in Spanish using “lyrics based closely on the English-language original.”

Next, the remixed version “will contain several lines in English that condemn U.S. immigration laws. Among them: "These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean laws ... let's not start a war with all these hard workers, they can't help where they were born."

My message to Kidron and every other lowlife associated with this project is simple: Get the hell out of here.

No country in history has taken in more immigrants than the US and no country has been more derided for its treatment of the ungrateful bastards.

Listen good: The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for The United States of America, not Mexico or Brazil or any other Spanish speaking country.

We speak English in this country, learn it and like it. If you don’t or won’t, get the hell out.

Why do you insist on changing everything that is American? Why do you clamor to get into this country then insist that it change to suit your needs?

The USofA has a culture, and a pretty damned good one too. We got along just fine for lots of years without having to hyphenate our heritage, without having to shove our personal history down the throats of everyone around us.

Assimilate or, you got it, get the hell out.

Fake Boobs. Real Moron.

The Wall Street Journal debases itself by printing an opinion piece by Pamela Anderson (yes, the one with the tits) decrying the use of chimps in entertainment:

I've vowed never to be involved with a production that uses live apes because I don't want to be a part of this cruelty, and I bet you don't either. Let's drop the curtain on ape "actors" by sticking to animatronic animals or willing human performers for our ads. It's not like there's a shortage of struggling starlets willing to embarrass themselves if it means getting on TV.

Our own in house Gong Show reject Bobo has some thoughts on Pamela's neurosis.

(KAT to Chad the Mullet)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Moron Mail

Remember LearnedFoot's Rule of "So"? If not, go refresh your memory before plunging head-first into this puddle of drool that earned a spot as today's "Letter of the Day":

So Fox News anchor Tony Snow is set to replace Scott McClellan as White House press secretary. I'm sure his first order of business will be to decry the liberal media bias.


Oooo! Ooooo! Let me try:

So, Brownshirt News anchor Tony Snow is set to replace Scott McClellan as White House Press Secretary. I'm sure he will continue to kick puppies and eat babies like all good little Repukelicans do.

Or how about:

So, Tony Snow is going to be the new White House press secretary. George Bush is a big jerkface.


So, Tony Snow is going to be the new White House Press Secretary. I hope he chokes on all those lies he's forced to tell by Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz and the other neocon mis-leaders.


So Tony snow is going to be the new White House Press Secretary. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.


So, Tony Snow is going to be the new White House Press Secretary. It's just like Bush to appoint another mouthpiece as his spokesman.


So Tony Snow is going to be the new White House press secretary. Since I have nothing better to do, I'm going to write a vaccuous non-sequitur to the Strib, devoid of any reason, insight or wit.

Jeez. Is writing the Letter of the Day really this easy?

The KAR Thursday Super Groovy Singalong Jamboree

LEARNEDFOOT: As a reminder: anybody competing in Short Bus Trivia tonight is required to participate in this singalong.

BILL: You are also required to sing along to this cheesy midi file. OK people! Let's do Number 13!

[The Head of Alfredo Garcia produces one of those cheeseball guitar/keyboard things from thin air]

BILL: One, two, one two three four HOWWWWWWWWLLLLLL!!!!!

LF: Darken the city, night is a wire / Steam in the subway, earth is a afire

ALL: Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodooooo

LF: Woman, you want me, give me a sign / And catch my breathing even closer behind

ALL: Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodooooo


BILL: Stalked in the forest, too close to hide / I'll be upon you by the moonlight side

ALL: Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodooooo

BILL: High blood drumming on your skin, it's so tight / You feel my heart, I'm just a moment behind

ALL: Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodooooo



HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: [Sotto voce] Hungry like the wolf. Hungry like the wolf. Hungry like the wolf.

LF: Burning the ground, I break from the crowd


BILL: I smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found


LF: Strut on a line, it's discord and rhyme


BILL: Mouth is alive with juices like wine


[The Head finishes with an eight-minute long synthesizer riff]


LF: Nice job people. Hopefully this one will work. I'd hate to have to go back to "Afternoon Delight."

BILL: *shudder*

LF: See y'all at Keegan's tonight. I'll be debuting a new t-shirt - quite possibly the coolest t-shirt ever made....


LF: Wait - I thought you and me were the same person....



Help! I'm being overrun by children!!!!!!!

Musician, Diagnose Thyself

Mayor Doug writes about a theory regarding why the popular music of the past few years sucks.

The theory was posed by Eric Carmen.

Wait. The irony doesn't end there.

Not 24 hours later, Doug posts the 14th installment of his weekly American Idol in Review series.

The answer you are looking for is in there, Doug. Keep looking...


Gas prices shoot up at this time every year, peaking around Memorial Day. And every year we get a phalanx of people panicking about it, or accusing the oil companies of collusion.

Then, in about July, the price dips back down, and everybody forgets about it.

Please stop. Please make the bad man stop.

Perspective is your friend.


Today is bring your daughter son and daughter love child spawn child to work day. Pray for me.


It's a Keegan's night. Jamboree to follow. Who's going to be there (at Keegan's, not the Jamboree)?

Foot out.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bastard Sons of Prominent Democrats Jailed

Justice has been served and Democrats in Milwaukee are licking their election-stealing wounds.
District Attorney, and well known Democrat E Michael McCann directed his minions to ask for probation and no jail time for the pricks, but the wise Judge Michael Brennan (a good Irishman no doubt) told them to take a hike:

"This case had to be a public example of what can happen when you interfere with voters' rights,'' Brennan said.

The Democrat operatives are dirty little bastards who deserve to have their asses planted in jail and their wallets lightened.

While I’m on the subject, has anyone found a story about Republican campaign workers getting tossed in the pokey?

Next time you read about Republicans stealing elections, think back to this one. Democrats have been doing it for years and there is no sign of them stopping.

For the record, United States Rep. Gwen Moore says, "I love my [guilty as shit] son very much. I'm very proud of him [for doing all he could to make sure Wisconsin voted for John Kerry. If only Ohio had such dedicated younsters we would have President Kerry today. Oh, I almost forgot, my son is also a vicitm of racism.]"**

Morre's son, Sowande A. Omokunde, will be playing jailhouse wife for his cellmate for the next four months.

**some embellishment of Rep. Moore's quote may have occured.

This just in...

The Packers are going to suck again this year.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Those of us who are students of the game recognize and accept that the Packers' rebuilding phase commences this year. Such is the price you pay for 15 years of dominence which included several division titles, three NFC championship appearances, 2 Super Bowls and 1 world championship. We are also cognizant of the fact that this coming season could be even worse:

Our QB will not be Brad Johnson.

DEMENTEE ADDS: Let's face it, the Viqueens and Packers both suck. The only thing that keeps them from sharing the Cellar of the NFC North is the Detroit Lions - they suck really bad. But Favre could have done the honorable thing and step aside. Rebuilding is difficult enough without having an aged quarterback who would rather throw interceptions than take a hit. To his fans he can do no wrong, but Favre is coming back out of selfishness, not out of loyalty to the Packers.

As for the Viqueens - they will continue to suck because they prefer to have an aged quarterback.

LEARNEDFOOT BECAOMES ANNOYED: Dementee, you ignorant slut. I'm used to Vikings fans prattling on about football from a position of ignorance - that's the hallmark of a Viking fan. So the fact that your analysis is so terribly at odds with reality comes as no shock.

If you had actually *watched* (not merely *seen*) any of those games you would have noted that the lion's share of Favre's interceptions were the result of the following:

1) Passes bouncing off his receivers' hands (there was a point last season where Antonio Freaking Chatman was the #1 WR due to injuries to everone else).

2) Getting hit as he was throwing the ball, due to a porous offensive line depleated by injuries and free agency (for you Vikings fans: the "offensive line" are those 5 very large men who stand in front of the QB).

3) A defense so effective that Favre was frequently put in the position to throw 40 yard passes downfield into dime defenses (for Vikings fans: a "dime" defense is one with 6 DBs. A "DB" is - oh never mind.) to get the Packers within a touchdown and a field goal of the opposition with less than 2 minutes to play.

I'll just chalk your hatred of Favre up to envy. Your cute little purple franchise is a joke.

Moron Mail

Minneapolis Douchebag Pushes Lies!

Goldberg pushes lies

The late Daniel Patrick Moynihan said, "Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But they are not entitled to their own facts."

Whoa! My Irony Meter just spiked. I wonder what's coming...

In his April 22 commentary, Jonah Goldberg confused Saddam Hussein's mere wish for a nuclear program with his actually having one. President Bush made this same mistake repeatedly in his speeches selling the war to the American public in 2002 and 2003.

OK. I just read the Goldberg column in question, and I found no hint of the confusion this gasbag asserts. Here's the relevant part:

A more recent case is former Ambassador Joe Wilson. Wilson burst into the
limelight when he accused President Bush of lying in his 2003 State of the Union
by saying that, according to British intelligence, Iraq had sought uranium in
Niger. Whatever Wilson's initial motives for attacking Bush's "16 words" may
have been, two truths are now obvious.

The first is that Wilson was wrong and Bush right (and the White House
was foolish for saying otherwise). Britain's Butler Commission reinvestigated
that allegation and found that it was "well-founded." Journalist Christopher
Hitchens and others have cataloged how Iraq dispatched an envoy to Africa to
inquire about acquiring uranium yellowcake. Wilson's own verbal report to the
CIA confirmed to his debriefers that Iraq sought the stuff. But the press
continues to call Wilson a "whistleblower," no doubt largely because his message
is damaging to Bush and undercuts the rationale for the war.

Now, the only way this assertion - or the president's for that matter - could be misleading is if a) you have the reading comprehension abilities of a cucumber, or b) you are a cucumber.

I don't know about you, but when the president said and Goldberg reiterated that "Iraq sent a guy to Niger to try and buy some uranium," I didn't hear "SADAAM'S GONNA NUKE BROOKLYN THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But that's not very helpful to this asshole's argument, so us lesser beings must have been "misled".

The fact that Iraqis wanted nuclear material has been known for years. Joe Wilson pointed out that they failed to acquire any. He also pointed out that the president highlighted their desire while omitting their failure, which was misleading.


Well, I suppose Goldberg and Bush could have explicitly catalogued all the things British intelligence didn't find; but then we'd still be reading Goldberg's article some 5 days later. Suffice it to say that both Goldberg and Bush have more regard for our cognitive abilities than this MoveOn clone, which saves everyone a lot of time.

Goldberg also claimed that the media demanded the criminal investigation of the Valerie Plame leak that is creeping closer to the president every day. In fact, it was the CIA that demanded an investigation.

Um, I'm not even going to bother doing the google search for this, since I'm fairly certain that pretty much every moonbat-riddled editorial board from here to the New York Times did in fact print an editorial that demanded an investigation.

But since editorials are not legally binding or even really all that persuasive with the executive branch, the CIA pretty much had to weigh in on the matter.

Nice try though.

Interestingly, Plame's job as a covert operative involved collecting intelligence on Iran's nuclear ambitions. Her exposure was a setback to those efforts, and we are now seeing the consequences.


Yes, because God only knows we never would have found out about it from that psychopathic Iranian president who gave the world daily briefings as to how far along they were with their program.

But I am glad to see that there's at least one cucumber out there who is actually concerned about the prospect of a dictatorial regime with a long history of animosity toward the United States acquiring a nuclear program.

Preemptory Snarks

Every so often some twerpy blogger or another assails a counterpart from across the aisle with a bunch of loaded questions in a vain effort to arouse some suspicions as to that person's connections. You know- the semi monthly "Are you now, or have you ever been paid by the Republican Party?" line o' crap.

Well, since I have some free time now, with no guarantee that I will have any such leisure at some future time when I may become the target, here are my answers to any queries as to my "covert" connections to any political organizations. I have intentionally worded these replies broadly so as to make them applicable to any of these types of interrogatories.

Dear Moonbat Blogger:

Here are my replies to your queries regarding my affiliations with groups you oppose:

1. Piss off.

2. Get a life.

3. Don't you have an Art History midterm to study for, or something?

4. Again, I say, get a life.

5. Hey! I hear that Mark Kennedy will be making a public appearance in Minnesota within the next month. Quick - go write 7 posts accusing him of breaking campaign finance laws!

6. Say, I have an "anonymous source" too...

7. Ever notice how no "wingnut" bloggers have ever demanded that you answer insinuating questions regarding your affiliations with certain local campaigns? Wonder why that is...

8. Oh, that's right - it's because you need to get a life.

9. Did you know that I'm related to the late Frank Balistrieri? It's true.

10. You don't know who "Frankie Bal" was? Here, go educate yourself.

11. What? No more questions? Va bene.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Today's News in Haikus

Worst economy
Since Herbert Hoover? Again,
I must call "bullshit!"

Panic in the streets
As gas prices surge. Dumbass!
Gas spikes ev'ry spring!

Flash: "I'm no lefty!"
In other news: Kermit the
Frog is no Muppet.

Standing for whole flight
Actually less painful
Than sitting in coach.

Treasonous act is
Civil disobedience. Don't
You dare steal those Stribs!

When given the choice
Of voting with Puffy or
Dying, most choose "die".

I give up! You win!
9/11 changed nothing!
Not one fucking thing.

Kofi Uber Alles

I heard the call and have decided to answer.

I read the remarks Kofi made to his comrades at MCCommie College in St. Paul and found myself chuckling out loud.

Take a gander:
Editors note: I may have taken some liberties here.

Success in solving global problems will come not from government officials, but citizens, [and lifelong diplomats who have immunity from everything] Annan said to a crowd of 1,900 -- comprising mostly students -- at Macalester College.

"We all have the power to make choices -- we can choose to be silent and turn away [from the oil for food scandal that threatens to destroy the cushy life we’ve made for ourselves by lining our pockets with money meant to feed and clothe starving Iraqis] or we can step forward and take action. [Guess which route I took.]" he said. "However you choose to carry out your mission as global citizens, I know you will keep demonstrating [because that’s all greasy-haired hippies like you are good for. The only other option is getting a job in public service but that means you all have to begin showering regularly and you women may have to shave your legs and underarms. Do what I did and take a job that pays you huge amounts of money for lording over a unwieldy bureaucracy that no forensic accountant can crack.] "

Annan, who studied economics and graduated from Macalester in 1961, returned for the inauguration of the college's Institute for Global Citizenship.

"Its launch could hardly come at a more critical time in the life of the international community in general and the United Nations in particular," Annan said.

"More than ever before, the human race faces global problems ... that no one country, however powerful, can tackle alone. [Although we will continue to run crying for money to the United States whenever we need to and will also blame them for the world’s ills when we feel compelled.] We need to come together and work out global solutions [that will rape the Unites States taxpayers,]" the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize winner added.

Annan, whose term at the U.N. [thankfully] ends in December, did not rule out a return to Macalester. When college President Brian Rosenberg asked whether he would consider teaching at the new institute, Annan replied, "I think that will depend very much on (the institute's) Dean (Ahmed) Samatar, if he will have me. [And whether I’m in a foreign country trying to avoid arrest for fleecing the Iraqi people. If it comes down to teaching future Communist leaders or keeping my ass out of jail, the revolution will have to do without me.]"

Annan spoke of the work accomplished at last year's U.N. World Summit, but also of his disappointment that the summit failed "to chart a way forward on (nuclear) disarmament and nonproliferation."

"Can there be any threat more alarming in today's world than that of the nuclear or biological weapons falling into the hands of terrorists or being used by a state as a result of some terrible misunderstanding or mischaracterization?" he said.

He said one of his biggest disappointment[sic] in the 10 years that he has run the U.N. was the fractious debates that preceded the war in Iraq [and that the war was the beginning of the end of his oil for food kickback slush fund.]

"It [the end of the kickbacks] was a very painful experience for me, personally, because I thought we should have been able to avoid the war [and keep the income coming, kinda like an annuity. I was counting on the money and now, after my term ends, I may have to become a greeter at Wal-Mart]," he said.

David Lanegran, a geography professor who was a Macalester student at the same time as Annan, said his students find it hard to believe someone like Annan could be in their class, [“They’re amazed at the power of Diplomatic Immunity,” Lanegran said, “Most thought for sure he would be locked up for crimes against humanity.”]

"I ask them, 'Which of you will be the next Kofi Annan?' " he said, [All of my student want to be just like him: getting rich off the backs of impoverished countries and having the immunity to get away with it. They all know the United Nations, not America, is the land of opportunity.]

Annan was asked about his relationship with Sen. Norm Coleman, R-Minn., who has called for Annan's resignation. "I can't say we have a relationship," Annan said. "We've met a few times."

Macalester student Edinam Agbenyeke, 22, was thrilled to meet the man who influenced his life so much. "When I found out he went to school here, I was really proud," Agbenyeke said. "He's a national hero in Ghana. [Even if he is a pariah in several other countries throughout the world], if you’re a hero in Ghana, you’re a hero to me]"

Annan was presented the 2006 Award for Principled Leadership [for steering the oil for food investigation into the ground] by the Caux Round Table, an international network of business and political leaders advocating an ethical approach to capitalism. Annan also toured the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis on Saturday.

Sorry, Danny, I think you missed this one

First came the OpEx piece then came this in response

Seems simple enough, Rep. Jeff Johnson, R-Plymouth, wants to restrict kids under 18 from getting their hands on violent and sexually explicit video games.

Danny Glass, Misguided-Minneapolitan, thinks such restrictions are a violation of the “pesky” First Amendment.

Nice try, Danny, but your ignorance is showing. Does the phrase “prior restraint” mean anything to you?

(Danny pauses to scratch head and wipe the drool from his chin)

I thought not.

Let me explain: The government cannot stop video game companies from creating and selling their wares. That would be prior restraint and violation of the First Amendment.

Representitive Johnson is not proposing such a thing, on the contrary, he wants to keep games -already rated for mature and/or adult audiences out of the hands of kids.

And your claim that “video games are multiple forms of art” and therefore minors’ access cannot be restricted is laughable. Would you say the same go for pornographic magazines and movies, or do you think government is stomping on the first amendment rights of minors by not allowing them to purchase such crap?

You may prefer the Constitution to be a living breathing document, meaning whatever you want it to mean in order to fit your life, but even you can’t stretch it this far.

Think again, Danny.

How Did He Miss This?

Kofi Annan was in town last week...

To speak at Macalester College...

To kick off something called "The Institute for Global Citizenship".

I have just one thing to say:

More MilFing

Bill and I have tentatively scheduled the 2nd Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (Sponsored by Buick) for Friday July 7th. Participants are encouraged to register your objections or approval in the comment thread.

I'm still working on booking David Feherty. He won't return my calls.

A Sisyphean Press Conference

Sisyphus proposes that the next White House press secretary be more assertive with and less civil to the poo-flinging chimps in the White House Press Corps. Example:

Q: Many retired Generals and Admirals have called for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. When will the President come to his senses and fire this guy we all hate?

SISYPHUS: The President doesn’t make personnel decisions based on the person’s popularity with the press. Nor does he care much about what a handful of Wesley Clark wannabes are saying to suck up to the crowd.

While we applaud Sisyphus on his vision, we here at KAR think that he needs to be firmer with these prima donna know-nothings. In our vision (again with Sisyphus filling the opening, because he certainly has the chops for this sort of work), a typical Sisyphean presser would go something like this:

SISYPHUS: I have no prepared remarks so, if you don't mind, let's get right to your questions. Yes, Helen?

HELEN THOMAS: Mr. Secretary, this administration has lied and lied to get us into this misbegotten -

SISYPHUS: [Shoots Helen Thomas in the kneecap.]

SISYPHUS: Are there any other questions?


SISYPHUS: Good. Peace out, bitches.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Let Us Now Praise Hunky Bloggers

Bill and I will be at Keegan's Thursday night to salute the newly-crowned MOB Most Eligible Bachelor Andy Aplikowski. If any of you single hotties out there (who will no doubt still be horny from this) would like to meet this hunky specimen o' red-hot blogging love, flag Bill or I down and we'll introduce you.

No word on if Dementee will finally crawl out of his moonbat bone bestrewn den to make an appearance.

And of course, there will be another Hoedown Jamboree Singalong, featuring another, hopefully more effective, annoying song.

Chick-Shits at the Helm

Someone tell the Chicken-shits at the European Union they are giving Islamofascists more ammunition.

The pussies have no problem ripping the US as a bully and W as a cowboy, but ask them to talk about the radical-Islamic-terrorist-shitbags and they get week-kneed and loose control of their bladders.

‘[t]he [EU] officials are drafting a "non-emotive lexicon for discussing radicalisation"

Non-emotive meaning ignoring the truth and hope it will go away.

"The basic idea behind it is to avoid the use of improper words that would cause frustration among Muslims and increase the risk of radicalisation."

No, the idea is to not make the pigs mad. You yellow jackasses believe the Islamofascists will leave you alone if you just talk nice about them.

There’s a reason Europe is a rotting cesspool of Islamic fundamentalism.

"Jihad means something for you and me; it means something else for a Muslim," EU officials at a Berlin conference on radicalisation said.

Yes, oh enlightened ones, and to the terrorist scum Jihad means they are free to kill anyone who believes Allah is a crock of shit. Making nice-nice with them won’t stop them from cutting your throat.

I wonder what the last words will be of the EU officials as their bodies disintegrate from the explosion. I hope someone has time enough to yell, “I told you so.”

In Which LearnedFoot Attempts to Induce a Simultaneous Orgasm in KAR's Female Readership Through the Use of Accounting Terms

As I've noted before, some readers of this here blog get the screaming thigh sweats from accounting terminology. If you hear ecstatic wailing from an office cube near you, its probably some hottie reading this post. Send pictures if you can.

Letters to the Strib today, emphasis mine:

It's a broken system

I was appalled to read that UnitedHealth Group CEO William McGuire has earned over $1 billion in compensation off the backs of working- and middle-class people who struggle to pay their health care premiums as companies cut benefits and find creative ways to pass the rising costs on to their employees (Star Tribune, April 19).

What makes McGuire's behavior troubling is that he is taking advantage of a health care system that is already broken.

Whenever anyone criticizes McGuire's compensation, his defenders claim that he deserves his billions in compensation because of the rising stock at UnitedHealth Group. They then mention his charitable contributions as if that would somehow make him a "good guy" in our society. McGuire is deserving of both disdain and closer scrutiny by our government regulators.


Board lined pockets

As a former medical director, I was always embarrassed by the money Dr. Bill McGuire was sucking out of the health care system. However, I always thought the board would watch over this and keep it within reason.

Now, I understand why no action was taken. The board members were too busy lining their own pockets with millions of dollars in stock options.


Let me make this clear: I am not here to defend CEO compensation that often times runs to the obscene. There are plenty of other wailers and gnashers of teeth out there that are perfectly willing and able to heap scorn upon underperforming (or even adequately-performing) and overcompensated executives. So all you mouth-breathing moonbats out there can stow it.

Besides, it would be fantastically boring, and at the end of the day, that's not what we do here on KAR.

What we do take on here is the stultifying ignorance of the Knee Jerk Based Community. And these two letters are a prime target.

Let's review:

The CEO of United Health Group came under fire last week when it became known that his performance bonuses included stock options which are now worth around $1.5 billion.

Read that again: "stock options".

[KAR FEMALE READERS: Ooooooooooooooh.]

What is a stock option? A stock option is a contractual right to purchase a certain quantity of a given security at a set price for a period of time.

[KAR FEMALE READERS: Mmmmmmmah ohhhhhhh ohhhhhhh.]

Read that again: an option is a right to purchase a certain quantity of a given security at a set price for a period of time.

[KAR FEMALE READERS: Yes oh yesssssssssss! Don't s-stop!]

For example, let's say your employer, Everyman Visions Ltd. (Ticker symbol EVIL), grants you an option for 100 shares (a "round lot") [KAR FEMALE READERSHIP: Uhhhgh OH OH OH OH OH !!!!!] of EVIL common stock at $10 per share within the next year.

EVIL is currently trading at $9.50 per share. Do you exercise the option? Don't be silly.

But let's say that because of rumors of a hostile takeover bid by Halliburton (HAL), the price per share of EVIL shoots up to $10.25. Do you exercise the option now?

Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on what the brokerage fees are. It's entirely possible that the transaction costs may eat up a large portion of your profits from the transaction. This is known as the "strike price" -


- that is, the threshold at which it becomes profitable to exercise the option. So when those rumors about Halliburton's hostile takeover pan out and the price of EVIL shoots to $50 per share, that's when you pull the trigger on the option and retire to the Mac-Groveland or Crocus Hill neighborhoods in St. Paul.

OK. So now that you are fully educated, what happens when you exercise an option? Hmm? Hmm? What does the transaction look like?

You BUY the stock and then turn around and sell it.

When you buy stock, issued by a corporation (and most options issued by corporations are for the purchase of unissued stock held in reserve by the corporation) who gets the money?

I'll dumb it down for these of you who write letters to the Strib: when you buy a block of shares FROM a corporation, who gets paid for those shares?

THAT'S RIGHT! THE CORPORATION GETS THE MONEY! And the corporation then uses that money for, well, anything - expansion, payroll, administration, utility bills etc. The proceeds from the sale of the stock go on the balance sheet on a line item called (everybody brace yourselves for the coming orgasmo-quake) "paid in capital"...


... or "shareholder equity"...


And, at the other end of the transaction, when the person who exercises the option turns around and sells the stock to take the profit, who buys the shares?

Individual and institutional investors.

[KAR'S FEMALE READERSHIP: *Lighting cigarettes*]

So, back to today's Droolings to the Strib. Answer this question: How much money did Bill McGuire "suck out" of the health care system because of his stock options?

Answer: $0

Now I'm going to roll over and take a nap.

What If Non-Monkey Wrote War And Peace?

If Non-Monkey had beaten Leo Tolstoii to the idea, I think it might have gone a bit like this:

"Well, Prince, so Irv's Barber Shop and Maple Grove are now just family estates of David Strom. But I warn you, if you don't tell me that this means a special session, if you still try to defend the infamies and horrors perpetrated by that tax-evading Antichrist- I really believe he is Antichrist- I will have nothing more to do with you and you are no longer my friend, no longer my 'faithful slave,' as you call yourself! But how do you do? I see I have frightened you with my stock tale of mass-manufactured woe - sit down and connect the dots for me. "
It was in July, 2005, and the speaker was the well-known Anna Pavlovna Mostaccioli, maid of honor and favorite of the Irv the Barber, from whose shop I've gotten most of my material lo these 30 years. With these words she greeted "Snuffy" Backwash, a man of high rank and importance, who was the first to arrive at her reception at Mancini's. Anna Pavlovna had had a cough for some days, due to Governer Pawlenty's tax cuts. She was, as she said, suffering from la grippe; grippe being then a new word in St. Paul, used only by the big cheeses who live in Northfield and Oakdale.
All her invitations without exception, written in French, and delivered by a scarlet-liveried footman that morning, just like I did when I was a scarlet-liveried footman while I was working my way through the U, ran as follows:
"If you have nothing better to do, Lester [or "Snuffy"], and if the prospect of spending an evening with a poor invalid is not too terrible, I shall be very charmed to see you tonight between 7 and 10- Annette Scherer."
"Heavens! what a virulent attack!" replied the barber, not in the least disconcerted by this reception. He had just entered, wearing an embroidered barber uniform, knee breeches, and shoes, and had a "Code Pink" button on his breast and a serene expression on his flat face. He spoke in that refined Irish-accented English in which our grandfathers not only spoke but thought, and with the gentle, patronizing intonation natural to a man of importance who had grown old in society and at court. He went up to Anna Pavlovna, kissed her hand, presenting to her his bald, scented, and shining head, and complacently seated himself on the sofa.
"First of all, dear friend, tell me how you are. Set your friend's mind at rest," said he without altering his tone, beneath the politeness and affected sympathy of which indifference and even irony could be discerned.
"Can one be well while suffering morally? Can one be calm in times like these if one has any feeling? When people are not happy to pay for a better Minnesota" said Anna Pavlovna. "You are staying the whole evening, I hope?"
"And the fete at the English ambassador's? Today is Wednesday. I must put in an appearance there," said the barber. "My daughter is coming for me to take me there."
"I thought today's fete had been canceled due to lack of funding due to the Tax Evader's League and those damn buh-log-gers. I confess all these festivities and fireworks and booyas are becoming wearisome."
"If they had known that you wished it, the entertainment would have been put off," said the barber, who, like a wound-up clock or conservative talk radio howler monkey, by force of habit said things he did not even wish to be believed.
"Don't tease! Well, and what has been decided about Novosiltsev's dispatch? You know everything."
"What can one say about it?" replied the barber in a cold, listless tone. "What has been decided? They have decided that Strom has burnt his boats, and I believe that we are ready to burn ours."

Next week: What if Kate Parry wrote "The Bible"

Poll Envy

Apparently. KAR's latest poll to determine the hunkiest bachelor in the MOB was somehow lacking in the view of the Nihilist in Golf Pants. I'm not exactly sure what his beef is, since the KAR poll was executed with the same fairness, scientific sampling and unassailable methodology of your typical Zogby poll.

But be that as it may, we now have the potential for controversy if someone other than Andy Aplikowski wins in the Nihilist's poll. Unlike most bloggers out there, KAR is always on the search for solutions rather than problems. Therefore, I propose the following, should the unthinkable happen:

The winner of the Nihilist's poll, if it's someone other than Andy, shall compete with Andy in a series of challenges at my home during my annual 4th of July gala (motto: Diligently working to create the world's largest smoldering crater.) to determine conclusively who is indeed the MOB's most eligible bachelor. These challenges would include, but not be limited to: bocce balls, a pose-off and a spelling bee.

However, all bets are off if Pinkmonkeybird wins. I don't want that guy anywhere near my kids.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Shut the hell up, moron

Hey, Nick Pladson of Minneapolis, turn off the partisan hack mindset for a minute and dig through the deep, dark, sludge-filled recesses of your memory to find another time in history when striking workers were given unemployment.

And trying to spin this into a Republican attack against free speech and “working people” is a f#%&ing farce.

Tell me, Nick, what is your definition of a working person. Does it include salaried people like me who work 10-12 hours a day, after the kids are in bed and on weekends when necessary. Or do we not count because we don’t pay union dues.

Do you think Bill Gates works for his money, or does his success exclude him from the “working person” category?

Why do you hate successful people? Are you a loser who never made it with the ladies?

Do your parents disavow any knowledge of your existence?

I’m digressing.

Here’s my point Nick: they call it “unemployment” for a reason. The strikers are not unemployed, they have voluntarily stopped working because their union leadership has them so fucking brainwashed they fail to see what is good for them.

I think union management is still pulling down their paychecks.

All Day, Gerlach and Neuville wanted were for the mechanics to actually become unemployed before going on the public dole.

What the hell is wrong with that?

Friday Fun Multiple Personality Disorder

Flash takes an online quiz (take it here) to assure himself that he is indeed a pragmatic, even keeled, oh-so-reasonable and fair-minded moderate.

Hey, why not give it a shot?

[Hannibal Lechter] You think you can dissect me with this blunt little toooooool?[/Hannibal Lechter]

Well whaddya know? I'm even more centric than Mr. Centrisity himself:

Wait! That can't be right! Let's try again.


Arrrrrgh! Now, I'm a moonbat:

No no no no no no no!

Try again:

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I'm not a wingnut either.

This is getting frustrating! Must try again:

Which KAR blogger are you?

You are Dementee! Please seek help immediately.
Take this quiz!


Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

Ah shit. I give up.

I need a nap.

Is It Any Wonder He's the MOB's Most Eligible Bachelor?

Fresh off his glorious victory, Andy smacks down one of the most smackdownable lefty blogs in the state:

For the record, accountants are those guys your parents have on retainer to insulate their inherited wealth from the federal government so that you can go from prep school to Ivy League (with a J-term in Bangalore) to law school and never once brush up against reality in your tender 22 misbegotten years on planet Earth. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

And all the girls' hearts go pitter patter.

Somebody Tivo This

NonMonkey will be giving his take on the new "United 93" flick on the Channel 9 5 pm news tonight.

This could be a rich source of material for some enterprising blogger.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dementee and LearnedFoot Discuss Poetry

Joined in progress...

LEARNEDFOOT: I still contend that the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock is merely a story - a richly sensual and well-told story - of a poor pathetic man who is finally letting go of his illusions of life in a higher societal caste. Prufrock is looking through a window, peering into a society party that he once, but no longer, wished to attend for one last time as a final farewell to his aspiration. Kind of like how a quitting smoker has that one final ceremonial cigarette.


LF: Well, then how do you explain lines like this:

It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

It sure sounds to me like he's trying to screw up the courage to ask out the object of his affections one last time before he gives up forever. He then goes on and on rationalizing why he should not attempt to talk to her. I don't see how that translates to the unrequited aspirations of the middle class.


LF: Fear.


LF: You make a very compelling argument, my friend. But I'm still unconvinced.


We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown


LF: Yes, but that could be a universal message, applicable in a variety of different situations, no? Why not come out and be more explicit about it? Why package it in the form of some lovable loser, and risk people missing the point?


JOYCE GRODY FROM SAVAGE: I'll miss Scott McClellan as press secretary but I understand why he had to go. He cannot lie well, he gets too flustered. The administration needs a spokesman who actually appears to believe what he is ordered to say.


LF: I'm beginning to see your point.

DEM: *burp*

LF: Ah, well. I'm still not persuaded. We'll have to agree to disagree. After all, TS Eliot himself once remarked at a public reading of this poem that even he didn't know what it was about.


LF: Indeed.

Kudos to the Minneapolis School District

You read that right. I’m giving a big high-five to the Minneapolis schools for telling parents to keep their kids in school during next week’s national day off celebration know as Take your Daughter and Son to Work Day.

It’s about time a school district stands up and admits that kids will get more from school than going to the office where they get to take part in preplanned activities that have nothing to do with their parents’ job.

If Johnny and Susie to go to work with mom or dad, they should be made to sit through a 2-hour teleconference where the VP rants about their parent missing quota for the 3rd straight quarter. After that they can help mom or dad cold call prospects that have no interest in hearing about them or what they are selling.

I’d love for them to take calls in customer service so they can hear new ways to use words they’ve only heard on late night cable (when mom and dad are sleeping).

A little dose of reality might help the nippers understand that they have it pretty good and should stop complaining about having to go to school.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Happy Jimmy Carter Bunny Attack Day!

Celebrate by viewing the banner that we couldn't figure out how to display on NIGP.

And the MOB's Most Eligible Bachelor Is...

Bobo has the announcement.

I'll post a full breakdown of the voting later.

UPDATE: Here are the stats.

5. KAR's very own Head of Alfredo Garcia did not do us proud, managing a mere 3 votes - a dismal Green Party like (except in Minneapolis) 4% of the total votes cast.

4. In second last place, there is a controversy. I included Ben "Pigment-Free" Worley who is indeed a bachelor, however his "eligibility" is dubious. It is my understanding that in order to be an "eligible bachelor" one must be desirable. I'm sure everyone agrees that a lonely guy who likes to photograph his parrots while they are fucking possesses dubious desirability. I also neglected to include Kevin Ecker in the poll because I was under the mistaken belief that he is married.

Therefore, I am stripping Ben of all 7 votes that he cast for himself (10% of the vote), and am awarding them to Kevin.

3. Sisyphus takes the third spot with a disappointing 18 votes, or 25% of the total. The enthusiasm of his minions were no doubt depressed by the early and seemingly insurmountable lead taken by...

2. Atomizer's liver. This drink besotted Trilobed Gland o' Love came out of the gate strong, but faded in the stretch, probably because it felt the need to stop and absorb a few dozen Bombay Sapphire martinis to celebrate its lead. (20 votes / 28%)

1. On the heels of a late surge, Andy Aplikowski is bestowed with the onner honnar onher privilege of taking up St. Paul's mantle. (23 votes / 32%)

Koodos Kudos to you Andy!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Fabio Cannavaro in Golf Pants?

This makes that "Seperated At Birth" thing a whole lot easier. (Be sure to click the arrows to see all the pictures.)

Yeah, I'm going to have some fun with this.

UPDATE: What? No Bob Balaban????

John Kline: Call Your Office

You need us more than you realize:

U.S. Rep. John Kline is furiously writing letters to newspapers these days, having newly declared himself an "independent conservative." I hope Kline is working as diligently on issues that matter to my family and community.

Well, if twiddledicks like you stopped writing distortions, half truths, false premises and outright lies about his record, perhaps he would have more time to vote against whichever stupid idea dingleberries like you are currently championing.

During his time in Congress, Kline has voted with President Bush 98 percent of the time.

So? Last I checked, they were members of the same party.

And why do I have the feeling that you got that figure from some astroturf moonbat activist website?

Kline supported former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and even accepted dirty campaign money from DeLay's political organization. He continues to support the disaster in Iraq and has been willing to go along with every corrupt and incompetent action of the Bush administration.

Alvin is an evil reprobate, potential child molester, and, given that he lives in a suburb, he's probably scared of "brown" people.

Hey, it's fun to throw around invective laden loaded terms and bald, unsupported accusations copied and pasted wholesale from!

An "independent conservative" would be leading congressional inquiries into false military intelligence, defense contract fraud, constitutional privacy violations -- the list is endless. If you are happy with the shape our country is in under Bush...

Actually, I am. But then, I rely more on myself for my well-being rather than some god-government.

...Kline, and the Republican right-wing leadership, vote to reelect John Kline.

And I will; as I suspect around 60% of his district will as well. Again.

Writing defensive letters to the newspaper every election year doesn't make one an "independent conservative" or a leader who can effectively represent Minnesota's 2nd Congressional District.

And writing party-line parroting drooling screeds to the local paper every week doesn't make you "relevant".


Bolsheviks Unite

There is an evil building in St. Paul. It is an evil so hideous, only Comrades Coleman and Thune, and their merry band of freedom hating Bolsheviks (like Bob Muppet) can stop it from spreading.

Surely Coleman, Thune, et al, knew the dirty bastard smokers would find a way around the recently enacted ban. They must’ve anticipated that wicked bar and restaurant owners would find a way to flaunt the law.

Nasty, evil, dirty pig bastards.

How dare they try to keep their businesses in business in spite of the repressive regulations passed by the radical Socialist asswipes who control St. Paul.

Coleman, Thune, Muppet: Get moving and shut down those patios. You’re missing an opportunity to tighten the screws.

Eva Young and Ken Avidor Support Mass Genocide, Child Molestation and Bad Baseball Trades

The ankle biters are at Mitch. Again:

I've opposed public investment in PRT for some time now. Not to the extent that I've mentioned them in this space, of course. Transit is a very minor issue to me, personally; its the kind of issue that uberwonks like to canoodle over, the kind of people who enjoy going to zoning and planning meetings. Something's gotta give in my schedule; transit wonkery is one of them.

Local short-bus Photoshop wanker Ken Avidor assumes that lack of interest implies support. Of course, by that "logic", I've also supported Area 51, building pyramids over the cities to increase life span, a 300,000 seat youth soccer stadium, and Larry Pogemiller.

But, not to let facts get in the way, Avidor and Eva Young, proprietor of the "Dump Bachmann" blog (to which I refuse to link due to various ethical lapses on Young's part in the past) have linked me, in a "cartoon" about PRT supporters, to support of Personal Rail Transit.

It's not true, of course. On the comment thread thread (if you're interested, you can find it), I offer a correction, noting repeatedly that I am not a PRT supporter. Avidor responds by...changing the subject. Repeatedly. The simple fact of my complete opposition to PRT is made perfectly clear, to no apparent avail.
Ken Avidor rapes sheep. I hear there are pictures.
Don't know what PRT is? Don't care? Join the rest of the planet, save for a few self-esteem-deficient brain dead morons that "think" it's an imminent threat to the future of the human race.
Ken Avidor rapes sheep. I hear there are pictures.
[Here, I will pause to observe that the same self-esteem-deficient brain dead morons will probably lift that last sentence to "prove" that I'm a BIG PRT supporter. In truth, I don't give a shit. Nobody does.]

This is a common M.O. for the Drooling Dumpsters: assert that their target du jour (either some politician of whom they have a deep, irrational hatred, or Mitch Berg when their traffic is flagging) is taking some position or other on an issue on an issue and offer evidence of same by the absence of any definitive opinion on that subject from the target.


Through extensive archive examinations and Technorati searches, I have compiled a partial list of things that Eva Young and Ken Avidor tacitly endorse because of their failure to blog about them:

The Holocaust

The Cambodian Killing Fields


The Red Sox trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees

The abolition of the Rule in Shelley's case

White slavery

Black slavery

Powerslavery (not that that's a bad thing)

Sadaam's gassing of the Kurds

The primacy of the Everton Soccer Club

The attack on Pearl Harbor

Johnny Sack's desire to whack Frankie Valli.

Food poisoning

Wiping Israel off the map

That Styx song "Babe"

Public funding for a 100 foot-high guilded statue of Dementee in downtown Hopkins

The Columbian drug trade

Genital mutilation

Jeffrey Dahmer

Duct taping gerbils

North Korea's nuclear program

Schizophrenics not taking their meds

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Ignorance Borne of a Facile Stereotype or Inferiority Complex?

You be the judge:

As for suburbanites, I don't know how much they come downtown anyway, given their longing for their Brainard upbringing, and fear of brown people.

Submitted by Tuck at 2:30 PM on April 18

First of all Dipass: it's spelled "Brainerd". Second of all, given that the population of Brainerd is about 14,000, it's hard to imagine that the Twin Cities Metro (pop. 3 million) has been overrun by ex-pats longing to go back.

Second of all, I'll bet more "brown" (and "yellow") people live in homes adjacent to my Apple Valley lot (13 by my count) than in this Fucknuckle's entire (small, cramped, urine-smelling) appartment complex. That's not counting the darker complected people that live across and down my street.

Yes, I shiver with apprehension every morning when I go outside to retrieve my morning paper, so scared am I.

And lest we forget, a lot of these "brown people"-fearing suburban trogladytes actually lived in Minneapolis during our college years and thereafter, only to be priced out of the market by ridiculous home prices ($300,000 for a 1200 square-foot crackerbox hovel? C'mon) and confiscatory property tax rates that make I$D 196's bi-annual ass-rapings look like gumball machine change.

Sorry, I'm not going to rent simply to garner the approval of the City Pages Crowd. Renting your residence when you can own it is throwing money down a rat hole. (You heard me Bill!)

But anyway, Tuck here is so gosh darn tough, because in his little fantasy world he's not afraid of "brown" people and walks freely among them. Yes, by his oh-so-condescending tone it is HE who is the "brave" one; living in a city with a "white" population of...


(Maybe we should just drop Tough Guy here off at the corner of 13th & Cherry in Milwaukee or maybe the parking lot of Comiskey Park when the Sox aren't in town and see just how brave, tolerant and enlightened a butttwat he is. Any other neighborhood ideas from our readers on the lower portion of Lake Michigan?)

OK. So maybe it isn't fear of "brown" people. Maybe it's something else...

Tell ya' what shitbag: you try to figure out what it is, and get back to me. One word of advice - it would be helpful to pull your head out of your ass first.

In need of a brain transplant

At the very least, John Sipe of Cottage Grove needs a new memory. As proof I offer the first sentence from the letter John wrote to the SPPP:

Our Republican friends wanted DOMA, and we let them have it.

Join me in the Way Back Machine John and we’ll revisit the DOMA craze.

The Defense of Marriage Act (DOM) was signed by…hold on to your pea-sized brain…President Bill Clinton. At the time he signed it HE said:

“I remain opposed to same-sex marriage. I believe marriage is an institution for the union of a man and a woman. This has been my long-standing position, and it is not being reviewed or reconsidered."

As further proof that DOMA was not a Republican only issue, the senate vote was 85-14 in favor of DOMA.

Try as you might, one cannot spin an 85-14 vote as the Republicans ramming DOMA down the throats of the people.

Even the Liberal Messiah, Paul Wellstone, voted in favor of DOMA.

Now, just so you don’t think I’m being a partisan here, I don’t give a damn who marries whom, but I do care when hacks like John try to make their point by revising history.

Try again, John.

The Silence of the Moonbats

It has been observed that serial killers tend to start early, feeding their abnormal appetites by first plying their macabre trade in their preteen and teenaged years on small animals. From there, they foster terrible fantasies manifested in urges that are increasingly difficult to control - especially since they've grown tired of torturing animals - until one day, the killer lurches into the abyss, and the body count begins.

As you might have guessed, this post is about liberals.

And since many of them have little compunction about playing the Imputation Game (e.g. "The Culture of Corruption," and the meme in which they paint anybody opposed to the self-evidently stupid idea of same-sex marriage as "bigots" because of one guy who holds up a "God hates f*gs" sign.), I am more than happy to paint the Human Flesh Eating-Based Community with the same broad brush.

My thesis is, of course, that all moonbats are potential or actual psychopathic killers.

One caveat: I am not a professional psychologist. However I did get an "A" in Abnormal Psych in college, and I did meet an actual shrink at a MOB gathering. Plus my sister in law is currently working toward her Ph.D in counseling psychology. This all means that, under the criteria of certain dim-witted "moderate" bloggers, my cred in this area is unassailable.

The Latent Pathology Emerges

Remember Post Election selection Trauma (PEST)? Remember how all those little moonbats - the ones not proactive enough to fantasize about moving to Canada - were so depressed at the results of an election that they needed to go seek therapy? Their symptoms were so common, and there were so many patients, that shrinks actually gave this mental defect a name. Symptoms of PEST included:

[F]feelings of withdrawal, feelings of isolation, emotional anger and bitterness, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, nightmares, pervasive moodiness including endless sulking, and being excessively worried about the direction of the country.

In other words: these people internalized a great deal of pain over an incident they had very little power to affect (beyond their single - or in many cases, 5 - votes). Here we can see the seed of that which will eventually grow to strong to contain inside. The bomb is set, ant the clock begins to tick.

Beginnings of Outward Manifestations of the Pathology

Eventually the moonbat needs to alleviate some of the pressure caused by all the pent up rage. Like the teenaged sociopath pulling the wings off of sparrows, the PEST-addled moonbat will attempt to find some relatively harmless outlet to silence the voices in their heads. Some will endlessly prattle tinfoil hat nonsense they may have read in a Robert Scheer column to anyone who will listen. Then there are others who will be a little more explicit; divulging their animus toward some imagined demon in some sick written fantasy vignette.

Then there are still others who explicitly call for genocide:

In the various messages posted, Buddhi urged the Web site’s readers to bomb the United States and for them to rape American and British women and mutilate them, according to court documents. Other messages called for the killing of all Republicans.

Crossing Over Into Criminality

Finally, the moonbat is so overwhelmed, that not even the sick, yet legal, releases are enough to contain the beast within.

Case study: Kevin Ray Underwood.

Onset of PEST - November 4, 2004:

And the election. I'm not even going to fucking talk about that. At least not yet. The pain is still too fresh.

Paranoia / Lashing Out - November 15, 2005:

Well, now that Bush has won his second term in office, and on top of that, the House and Senate are both under republican control, I guess it won't be long until we're all gonna die. Unless you're a good Christian, who hates gays, and pornography, and abortion, and you pray to Jesus every day to smite the heathen Muslims, and the French, and everyone else, including fellow Americans who don't believe that Bush is the emmisary of God, and that we must all do whatever he says or burn in Hell for all eternity.

I wonder how long it's gonna be until Micheal Moore is found dead in his home, under suspicious circumstances? Of course, the official reports will all say he died of a heart attack, or some other weight induced heart problem.

Crossing Over to Criminality - April 2006:

The man accused of killing a 10-year-old neighbor girl for an elaborate plan to eat human flesh joked about cannibalism on his online diary, discussed the effects of not taking his anti-depression medication and mentioned "dangerously weird" fantasies.


Moonbats are sociopathic, child-molesting cannibals.

Full Disclosure

The MOB is all atwitter about the pending nuptials between St. Paul and the Opera Girl. However, if I may be serious for a moment, I think that Rachel deserves to know a little more about the man with whom she intends to spend the rest of her life. When one enters a commitment as grave serious as Holy Matrimony, one needs to have some indication as to what limits her tolerance will be pushed. That means facing some ugly truths.

There's something about St. Paul that I think you should know, Rachel.

Brace yourself dear.

He tends to fixate on crotch images:

OK. The 24 Hours of Frivolity are over. We will now resume with our usual bile-soaked vitriolic mayhem.

Monday, April 17, 2006

The MOB is a Wasteland for the Ladies


Now that St. Paul is out of circulation, Chad poses the question:

[W]ho will inherit his title as Most Eligible Bachelor on the local blogging scene?

We here at Your Absurd Poll Leader are interested in answers. There's a new poll on the sidebar. And I note here, that this one was rather difficult to assemble. A quick glance through the MOBroll reveals that a large majority of MOB bloggers are either:

A) married; or

B) Hideously ugly.

I did the best that I could. If you felt that you were omitted, please don't feel slighted. It only means that either I don't read your blog, or that you are hideously ugly.

Here are the candidates:


KAR's very own Head of Alfredo Garcia

Ben "I Reflect 40% of the Sun's Light Back Into Space" Worley

Andy "The Dictionary" Aplikowski

Atomizer's liver (Artist's rendering)

UPDATE: As an added bonus, the winner of this poll will have his praises sung by none other than KAR's mascot: Bobo the Foul-Mouthed Gay Chimp!

Fart Blogging

The following is a transcript of things overheard in a restroom earlier today.

ME: [Sidling up to a urinal and liberating the Little Fireman] *tinkle* *tinkle* whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

SOUND FROM ONE OF THE STALLS (SFOOTS): *fssssst* *poot* *Brrraaaap*

ME: *snicker*


[Approximately 15 seconds later:]


ME: [Eyeballs popping out of head from suppressing laughter] *pfft* *cough* *pfft*

At this point I was done with my business. I zipped up and headed to the sink to wash my hands. While doing so, I noticed that I had the most bizarre looking grin on my face; a look of combined mirth and pain - pain from stifling a laugh that had a force of approximately 300psi and growing.

I maintained this odd expression as I left the restroom. A fellow member of the Filled Bladder-Based Community entered the loo as I was exiting. He gave me a strange look. It was only later that I realized with some amusement that he had no idea why I was wearing such a shit-eating grin on my face, having arrived in the restroom after the gastric aria had concluded.

Then I realized with some horror that he'd probably attribute the smell in there to me - the weirdo who flashes an odd smile at other guys entering restrooms.

BOMBSHELL! Creepy Subhuman Loser Also a Blogger!

No, not [insert name of the blogger you are thinking about right now here].

I'm talking about this guy:

The man accused of killing a 10-year-old neighbor girl for an elaborate plan to eat human flesh joked about cannibalism on his online diary, discussed the effects of not taking his anti-depression medication and mentioned “dangerously weird” fantasies.

All he wanted in life, Kevin Ray Underwood wrote in his blog, was “to be able to live like a normal person.”

Here's the blog. Here's the post where he talks about the "dangerously wierd" fantasies.

A few observations:

1) I have a feeling that Blogspot will soon be retiring one of it's stock "random personal profile questions" soon.

2) Perhaps Underwood isn't so much a deranged psychpath, as he is a deranged traffic whore who went a little too far.

3) High up on Underwood's blogroll: AMERICAblog. Yes, that AMERICAblog. (Link embargoed - common decency and respect for our readers prohibits me from linking to it).

A Limited Engagement

"Rachel St. Paul" is a pretty good stage name.

And, as it turns out, necessary: "Rachel Ward" is already taken.

Given the guest list, I would advise a cash bar.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Moonbatian Rhapsody

Appropos nothing, sung to the tune of the "operatic" part of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody (hey if they can butcher Queen on American Idol, why can't I?):

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, scaramouche I shall call him "Bushitler"

Rumsfeld and Scooter Libby -very very frightening me

Sam Alito, Sam Alito, Sam Alito Sam Alito
Sam Alito- figaro - Must vote "noooooooo"!

But I’m just a moonbat and nobody loves me-
He’s just a moonbat from Cal-Berkeley
Spare him his life from this "theocracy"

- The election wasn't "stolen," will you let it go?
- Bismillah! No! We will not let it go
- Let it go
- Bismillah! We will not let it go
- Let it go
- Bismillah! We will not let it go
- Let it go
- Will not let it go
- Let it go
- Will not let it go
- Let it gooooooooo

No! No! No! No No! No! No!

Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let it go-

"Beelzebub" is just another name for Cheney, Cheney, Cheneyyyyyyyyyyyy-

So you think that Chimpy Bushitler didn't lie?
So you think the neocons don't want us all to die?
Oh baby - a fetus isn't a baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta move right to Vancouver!

Nothing really matters,

Anyone can see,

The only thing that matters,

is that people

pay attention to


Karl Rove really blows....

Rummy is as good as gone

The breaking news at says it all.

Fox News is reporting Rummy’s imminent exit with the Kiss-of-Death headline.

When the boss starts using phrases like “full support” and “vote of confidence”, it’s time to update the resume.

Rummy will be gone within a week and don’t bet against a weekend resignation.

Open Thread For Sisyphus

Sisyphus only.

Sorry, No Bile

I'm still spent from trying to get my mind around how Molly Ivin thinks. Or, rather, leaves the thinking to someone else. Anyway, you probably haven't even finished reading this yet, so let that occupy your time.

I've got nothing today.

I think I'll outsource to Sisyphus this afternoon.

Oh, and one thing for our British readers out there:


It's a Good Thing That Atomizer Doesn't Live in Pennsylvania

The Wacky Statutory Provision of the Day comes from Pennsylvania Statutes Title 50, section 797 (couldn't find it for free online):

Sale, mortgage, or lease of real estate of habitual drunkard; when authorized

The courts of common pleas of the several counties of this Commonwealth, in all cases where the legal title to real estate is held by a married woman or a married man whose spouse is an habitual drunkard duly so found by inquisition, shall have power to direct and authorize said married woman or married man to sell, mortgage, lease for years, and convey upon ground rent, the same or any part thereof, under the direction of said court of the proper county, whenever it shall appear to said court that said spouse is an habitual drunkard and that it is the interest of the owner of said real estate that the same should be sold, mortgaged, leased for years, or conveyed on ground rent, as the case may be: Provided, however, Where said spouse has no estate in his or her own right or one inadequate to his or her support, it shall be in the discretion of said court, by their order and decree, to make a reasonable provision for his or her support and maintenance out of said rents or proceeds of sale or mortgage so long as said spouse shall continue and habitual drunkard: Provided, further, That such sale shall divest said real estate from any estate or claim of dower and estate as tenants by the curtesy or any claim in the nature thereof.

A Springtime Exhortation

This is a barbecue pit:

This is a charcoal grill:

This is an abomination before God:

You have been enlightened. Now go forth and buy some lighter fluid.

Another dead bad guy

Things are looking up for RT. If this trend continues the bad guys will kill themselves off and RT won’t have to worry about looking like the ineffective stumblebum he is.

I’m all in favor of what’s going on in Minneapolis. Dirt bags who prey on others do us all a favor when the meet an untimely, albeit proper end. I hope more of them find their way into an early grave, and quickly.

The latest asshole died after the idiot he was with missed a turn and crashed into a tree – the fuck-knob. They were cousins. Ain’t family wonderful?

The best part is the FKs cousin repeating his claim that the cops “tapped” the car from behind and caused it to veer out of control. She ought to know her cousin is a lying thieving sack of shit who would do anything to keep his ass out of jail. A place I’m sure he is very familiar with.

Too bad she didn’t know about the video from the cop’s car. It’s a good one.

Another week, another dead bad guy. It’s progress, but I would feel better if we could speed things up a bit.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Brits go spaz over utterance of “spaz”

I’m tired of the hyper sensitive a-holes who insist on searching the world for things to offend them.

Now Tiger Woods has been forced to apologize to a group of foreigners for saying the word “spaz”.

Referring to his putting in the final round of the Masters he said: "I putted atrociously today. Once I got on the greens, I was a spaz."

Some British prick had to complain because in the UK spaz means something different than in the US.

Get over it Limey.

Like you said, “we are two nations divided by a common language.”

So take a deep breath, enjoy the differences and, if you are so inclined, step outside and suck a fag.

Of The Commerce Clause, Molly Ivins and Anal Leakage

Yeah, I realize those last two are kind of redundant.

So per usual, we find Molly Ivins telling only half the story, and filling in the rest with willful ignorance (temporary link - check the archives after a couple days):

We need to keep up with the daily drip, that endless succession of special favors for special interests performed by Congress -

NOTE: If it's a law that helps an industry - even a far-flung and important one like the food industry - then it's a "special favor" to those eeeeeevil corporations. If it's a law that, say, redefines "illegal immigrants" as "legal immigrants" with visions of a large new voting bloc, border security be damned, then it's "justice".

- or we'll never figure out how we got so far behind the eight ball. While the top Bushies lunge about test-driving new wars (great idea -- the one we're having is a bummer, so let's start another!), Congress just keeps right on cranking out those corporate goodies.

Earlier this month, the House effectively repealed more than 200 state food safety and public health protections. Say, when was the last time you enjoyed a little touch of food poisoning?

Coming soon to a stomach near you. What was really impressive about H.R. 4167, the "National Uniformity for Food Act," is that it was passed without a public hearing. "The House is trampling crucial health safeguards in every state without so much as a single public hearing," said Erik Olson, attorney for the Natural Resources Defense Council. "This just proves the old adage, 'Money talks.' The food industry spared no expense to ensure passage."

Thirty-nine attorneys general, plus health, consumer and environmental groups, are opposing the law. According to the Center for Responsive Politics, the food industry has spent more than $81 million on campaign contributions to members of Congress since 2000.

That's because thirty-nine attorneys general know what their job is: defending the laws of their respective states. The other 11 states, presumably have no stake in this.

But that's irrelevant. What is relevant is this:

This law isn't anywhere near as scary as the cornpone-"there's a looming social security crisis - oh wait, now it's gone"-Texas-Tub-O'-Lard would have you believe:

The bill would automatically override any state measure that is stronger than federal law, the opposite of what a sensible law would do. The NRDC says state laws protecting consumers from chemical additives, bacteria and ingredients that can trigger allergic reactions would be barred, and that includes alerts about chemical contamination in fish, health protection standards for milk and eggs, and warnings about chemicals or toxins such as arsenic, mercury and lead. Happy eating, all.

Let's go to the bill (something Molly almost certainly didn't do). The relevant part is here:

sections (c) and (d), no State or political subdivision of a State may, directly or indirectly, establish or continue in effect under any authority any notification requirement for a food that provides for a warning concerning the safety of the food, or any component or package of the food

Wow! Molly is right! This amendment bars states from requiring warning labels on food.

Oh, hang on a second. I stopped reading too soon. There's more:

unless such a notification requirement has been prescribed under the authority of this Act and the State or political subdivision notification requirement is identical to the notification requirement prescribed under the authority of this Act.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. What this law does is set up a uniform system of food warning labels under federal auspices rather than a disparate patchwork of state regulations.

That's just common sense.

Which is why the idea is anathema to Molly Ivins.

Y'see, Congress has the power to regulate interstate commerce. At the risk of appearing to appeal to authority, I quote the Constitution, Art. I, sec. 8:

The Congress shall have Power...To regulate Commerce...among the several States[.]

Now before y'all stop reading - especially all you attorneys out there who suffered through several weeks of cases involving "filled" milk, tandem trailers and ferry boats - I'll just say that the Commerce Clause has been interpreted very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very broadly by the courts. This is generally due to FDR's Supreme Court appointees - selected for this very reason, since much of his New Deal initiatives would have been held unconstitutional under a narrower interpretation of the commerce clause. If you can boil it down to a monolithic left vs. right sort of thing, you could say that the left favors this broad interpretation and a frequent exercise of it by Congress (see the New Deal and much other later legislation) while the states'-rights favoring conservative wing balks at it (eg the mandatory 55 mph speed limit).

So reread what Molly Ivins wrote again:

The bill would automatically override any state measure that is stronger than federal law, the opposite of what a sensible law would do.

Welcome to the right side of the aisle, Molly!

Er, no. She just clumsily stumbled into it because of her trademark ignorance about, well, everything.

The point of the commerce clause, was to facilitate efficiency. It can be costly and confusing for firms that trade in several different states to keep track of and comply with all kinds of different and disparate regulations. The best way to avoid the unnecessary inefficiencies caused by this is through a uniform system of regulations that apply across borders, which can most easily be accomplished at the federal level. And while this country is populated with peoples of diverse backgrounds, cultures and mores, there are many more things that we have in common.

One of those things is our biologically innate intolerance for mercury poisoning.

And that's why the Constitution has the commerce clause. Here's an illustration (partially made up, partially true):

Remember Olestra? Olestra (not sure of the spelling) was this wonderful fat substitute that was "healthier" than the fats normally found in your average potato chip. When it debuted, it was hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough - now you could eat many many more potato chips before you needed to get a triple bypass. Snack food manufacturers rushed to get their new "healthier" potato chips to market.

Oh, there was one drawback. It turned out that Olestra caused in some people some rather, um unpleasant side effects. Side effects about which Ryan Rhodes, if he were blogging at the time, would have written a 47-part series. If you know what I mean.

So states started passing laws requiring warning labels on Olestra-laden potato chips, so as to mitigate the populace's potential embarrassment.

New York required manufacturers to a affix a warning label to the package, under penalty of a substantial fine, which must read:


California passed a law that required, under pain of substantial fines, all Olestra snacks to bear a warning label in all caps 20-point bold font that must read (in 7 different languages):


Florida likewise passed an Olestra warning label law. Florida's law required a four inch square box on the front of the package with the text in bold, red 40 point font with a warning message to read:


Minnesota passed a law that required a warning label on all Olestra snacks to read:


Not to mention 46 other completely different variations, all carrying a fine for noncompliance.

Do you see how it might be a tad bit difficult and really expensive for a company that sells its product in all 50 states? And that added expense not only affects "fat cat" CEOs, but also the consumers, the employees of the producer, and the shareholders. And in many instances those latter three are one in the same.

Do you see how it makes a whole lot of sense to regulate this area at the national level?

Molly Ivins doesn't. She just jerks her knee, sets off the Panic Alarms, "informs" herself only with sources that confirm her ill-conceived thesis ("those dag-gum 'publican's are evil and greedy cowpokes who want your loved ones to die from mercury-polluted fish!"), and has a rhetorical spastic colon.

That's why she's the Anal Leakage of opinion "journalism."