Friday, February 29, 2008

The Banality of Losers

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the largest gathering of dense, clueless morons in desperate need of a life ever gathered in a single message board (outside Democratic Underground)...


The People Have Spoken

And they want both KAR and The Nihilist in Golf Pants to replace Captain Ed in the Northern Alliance.

As if there were any doubt.
Hopefully we can get this transition finalized this weekend...

Screw the Children

If you were paying any attention at all during the Legislature's run up to the Great Anal Raping otherwise known as the "Transportation Bill" you may have noticed an old familiar trope trotted out and flogged to death.

The "children".

That is, when presented with the choice of taking a sane approach to infrastructure spending with a recession looming (bonding and reprioritization) or using the blunt and punitive instrument of taxation, you frequently heard members justify their absurd choice by citing their desire to avoid "passing the costs on to our children". For example, the Strib made use of this non-argument in the utterly predictable editorial it pooped out on Monday:

House Transportation Finance chair Bernie Leider, DFL-Crookston, the bill's House sponsor. The only World War II veteran still serving in the Legislature, Leider brought the conscience and values of the Greatest Generation to the transportation argument. A retired county roads engineer, he understood how critical the shortage of funds for highways and, particularly, bridges has become.

He wasn't about to let the boomers and Gen X-ers simply pass the problem to their children. "The Legislature caused this problem, because for the last 20 years we haven't been doing the job we should," Leider said yesterday.


Why the hell shouldn't "our" children pay for these improvements? They will ultimately use them too. My kids are currently 3 and 6 years old, which means that in 13 and 10 years respectively, they will be making use of the same roads that I am paying for, but they are not.

Is that fair? Hell no. It's one of the reasons for bonding.

Putting aside the financial considerations of borrowing to make public capital improvements - like the time value of money, the discounted interest rate governmental entities can charge because of their bonds' tax-free status, and other things that liberals don't understand - as a practical matter, bonding by its nature represents a fairer distribution of costs than just attacking the current taxpayer in the butthole with a roto-rooter to pay off a project in one shot. Bonds typically work sort of like mortgages, where the government pays off the bonds over the course of time - usually anywhere from 10 to 30 years. This is fair, because it forces the younger generation to pay through the taxes they start paying (i.e. the gas tax) when they begin using some public improvement. But if you force me to pay for everything today, "our" children become a bunch of freeloading freeriders driving on a road for which they didn't pay.

This may be how Tics raise their children, but it is not a lesson that I want my kids to learn.

No, we need to stick "our" kids with their fair share of the bill. Especially those ugly fat emo kids and bratty little trust fund fucks from Wayzata who think money just magically appears out of the ether or their parents' wallets.

And why is it such a crime to make "our" children pay for these things? Did you know that the Federal government just recently stopped taxing us to pay for the Spanish American War?

The Spanish fucking American War!

I wasn't even alive for the Spanish American War. My grandfather wasn't alive during the Spanish American War. However, we have reaped the benefits. For example, we no longer have to worry about Spanish hegemony, and I have never known a world in which we were not safe from their dread Armada, or their fanatical Inquisition. In fact, while I'm glad the tax has been scuppered, I didn't mind paying my fair share to ensure that those damned Spanish were defeated a century ago.

So, to sum up, if you are one of these people who constantly cites their concern about passing on costs to "our children", please take your precious little trope, shove it up your butt, twist it sideways, poop it back out and then eat it. It's not like your left-wing heirs aren't going to try to raise their taxes too using the same lame rhetoric.

And to the kids: get off my lawn!

What's The Only Thing More Stupid Than Maxine Waters?

Simple. The only thing more stupid than being Maxine Waters (R[acist Hag], CA) is kissing Maxine Waters' ass.

Like Steve "Don't Stop Believing (in Karl Marx)" Perry newly-minted Sorosblogger for the City Pages Daily Mole Minnesota Monitor.

Read this, in which Perry orders his readers to go to...:

...the 4:45 mark, when California Rep. Maxine Waters fires a fusillade of her own
in response to Bachmann's speech.

"Madame Speaker, I rise almost in disbelief that my friends on the opposite side of the aisle, led by Ms. Bachmann, would dare bring to this floor a motion that basically would say to us that the federal government cannot direct this issue on federal property. We own these public housing authorities... We are confronted with a problem in America. And that problem is, unfortunately and painfully, we have poor people who are isolated and they find their power and their strength in the gun. There are far too many guns raging every night in America in public housing authorities."

Go look for yourself!

Of course, Rep. Waters - and Steve - naturally, if someone's in public housing, their life isn't worth defending from all those guns that the owners of that property - the Feds - can't protect them from?

And Rep. Waters refers to "poor people who are isolated and they find their power and their strength in the gun" - is Steve "Ace Journalist" Perry sure he endorses the idea that poverty and crime are a cause-and-effect relationship?

Slapnuts Mr. Perry? If a Republican said that, you know damn well you'd be jumping up and down like Xerxes after pinching off a three foot loaf, chattering about "racism".

But this kind of thing is its own revenge. So read Perry's "article", and ponder the personal tragedy of a career that started as the sharp, respected editor of an important newsweekly, and has ended as Shift Manager at "McSoros" The Minnesota Monitor, with Jeff Fecke working the drive-through.

The only way it could get worse for Steve Perry? If Soros hires Brian Lambert as his district manager.

Friday Bacon Post

There will be no Friday bacon post today while we work behind the scenes to make our transition to the Northern Alliance. Regular posting will resume later today.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Closed Circuit to "Xerxes"

Sorry to break this to you, but not all of us have the same vast reserves of material (i.e. pictures of our own ass) that you do.

Poop fart boner poopy pants weiner.

Off to my next meeting *grumble*...

Closed Circuit to LearnedFoot

Awwwww, is the widdle ThunderJournalist getting tired of doing his widdle ThunderJournal? Is the widdle strain too much for his widdle head? Ooooh, look at me, I'm LearnedFoot, and I'm a whiney widdle wussy boy. Nick Coleman is my intewectual superior. He can write more than I can. . .

Seriously, dude, man up and post something about farts and poop. Hell, throw a boner reference in there if you can.

I Am Curently Enjoying a Delicious Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich

Which is the last time today that I will have time to eat or do anything else. I'm totally booked up. Could some KARnie - any KARnie - post something? Please?





Anal K?


Otherwise, I may have to start swinging the axe.

(Iron Matron is temporarily off the hook for posting that video.)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Top 12 Reasons the Kool Aid Report is the Best Blog to Replace Captain’s Quarters in the Northern Alliance

Captain Ed has announced that he is shutting down his blog, Captain’s Quarters, and moving his blogging to Hot Air. Ed’s move has created a big opportunity – now there is a rare opening in the Northern Alliance. We believe that KAR is best blog to fill the Captain’s shoes. Here are the top 12 reasons:

12. With KAR, the Northern Alliance would also get the keys to the valuable MilF franchise.

11. Northern Alliance needs a blog that's not afraid to use the word boner.

10. KAR currently outranks all Northern Alliance blogs on the Nihilist in Golf Pants' Top 11 Blogs list.

9. Would improve Spitbull's standing to second-worst Northern Alliance blog

8. Foot's weather report bit was better received by John Hinderaker than Nihilist's Santa Claus bit.

7. KAR's new eye-pleasing template.

6. Nobody here wants to stalk Mary Katherine Ham

5. KAR is the only blog with the courage to point out that Flash has become just another far left-wing DFL party hack.

4. KARnies are better looking than the Power Line guys; have more teeth than the Fraters.

3. Has already included itself in the Northern Alliance blogroll (see sidebar)

2. If there's one thing the Northern Alliance needs, it's more lawyers.

1. Able to come up with one more reason than the other candidate.

Ear Worm Wednesday - With Catchy Lyrics

Since Foot is too busy to post and I'm too lazy to, I submit another "translated" foreign music video — complete with KAR's favorite words. They even mention "foot" in this one. Sing along with The Lion Khan.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Good News for Everyone Still Working on Yesterday's Homework

Yesterday, I challenged KAR-Nation to write an essay about how lefties abuse the language to skew reality (difficulty: keep it under 100,000 words). Here's some more fodder in the rare case you need help.

Yes, when their mommies aren't shlepping them around Wayzata to soccer practice or posture classes, the boys at MNPooplius can occasionally pop of a corking good line (emphasis in original):

House Republican Caucus: Moderates Need Not Apply

At a press conference at the Capitol today, House Republican Leader Marty Seifert declared war on the moderate wing of his party and announced that the “Override 6″ have been stripped of their committee leadership posts.

Since when can ditching your own party's basic philosophy (not to mention that of your constituents) to help enact a 6.6 billion dollar tax hike (one of the largest in history) be characterized as "moderate"?

You kids are so cute when you're being moronic.

I'm Kinda Busy Right Now

How about someone else earn their fricking keep for a change? If you're looking for material, NonMonkey has penned back-to-back deeply dishonest and astoundingly stupid stinkbomb turds in the past 2 days. Why not start there? I have training.

UPDATE: It indeed appears that no one is willing to earn their keep. That, or all the KARnies got eaten by an obese leftyblogger.

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Special Message to Minnesotans from Your Legislative Overlords

We're headed into a recession. Some economists say Minnesota is already in one. Inflation is a real issue. The state is poised to lose thousands of jobs with the pending Ford plant closure and the probable Delta-Northwest merger.
And the legislature just decided to suck $6.5 billion out of the local economy, effectively driving up the costs of gas and taxable goods.
Yeah, this should end well.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Ralph Nader: the Lint Trap of Democracy

I see Nader's making another go of it. And Flash, our resident "centrist" (who dollars to donuts will be pulling the lever for uber-liberal Obama over the moderate Republican McCain come November) (homework assignment: write a 100,000 word essay about how liberals abuse the English language to skew perceptions of reality in their favor; cite at least 100 examples) (I hope that word limit isn't too low) er, Flash - uh - ugh, what the hell was I writing about again? Too many parentheticals. Let's start that sentence over.

MOB resident "centrist" Flash issues the typical leftist lament whenever Nader opens his cake-hole during a leap year:

As we saw in 2000, this run will only serve one purpose, to allow for the split of the Democratic vote and allow for a plurality to continue us down this current insane path. Democrats all across the country are throwing bricks at their TV, while Republicans are cheering with joy.

Actually, I disagree. The way I see it, Nader actually filters out the voters that really have no business voting. You know, the ones who see Barack Obama as insufficiently liberal. The ones who believe that Fidel Castro provided 50 years of solid leadership, and that Soviet-style communism is the perfect system when implemented "correctly". The ones who sneer when they use the word "corporate" which is pretty much every other word out of their ignorant traps. You know- those morons who think this country was founded upon the "principle" of tolerance and forced charity rather than liberty.

Nader serves as a kind of poll tax or literacy test on precocious, college-aged trust fund brats majoring in "Peace Studies". Good for him! That he might have the effect of saving us from the far left-wing Tic candidate (though I doubt that will happen - I see McCain losing to Obama in double digits) is secondary in importance to his role of siphoning off votes that should never have been cast.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Moron Mail

Today we get a double shot:

Her meaning was clear

The indignant discussion about Michelle Obama's stated pride in her country has been shamefully distorted in its omission of a key word. That word is "really" as in "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country."

A function of the word "really" is to intensify meaning, in this case Obama's feelings about her country

And another function of the word "really" is to imply actuality, as in "you really are a disingenuous moron, aren't you?"

That she is really proud of it at this time assumes that she has always been, to some degree, proud of her country since that which does not exist cannot be intensified.

Unless, you go with the other meaning of the word, which you are really not acknowledging.

The specious

'Scuse me while I whip this out:

spe·cious - adj. having a false look of truth or genuineness

ex. The really specious moron tried to pull a fast one by citing only one possible definition of a word, while pretending that the other definition really did not exist. Really.

interpretation of Obama's words is really irresponsible, unethical and rude.

Now that's really going a bit too far.


So, contrary to O'Bonermort's tagline to this letter, I guess her meaning wasn't really all that clear after all.

On to moron #2. Make sure you're sitting down for this one:

Years of solid leadership

Oh yeah. You know this is gonna be good.

Many Americans hated Cuban President Fidel Castro but they never knew what he did for his country.

Actually (or, "really") the Americans who hate him the most do know what he "did" for "his" country. And they knew it so well, they were willing to risk death in the open seas, floating on inner tubes, just so they could live in Miami.

And let's face it: there's no more powerful indictment of Castro's rule than the fact that it caused people to flee to Miami.

Castro led a revolution that overthrew the U.S.-backed dictator, Fulgencio Batista. He brought health care to everyone and free education all the way to the university level.

And free rice cookers! Don't forget about the rice cookers.

Castro took the big farms of the fleeing wealthy and divided them up and gave them to the people. The people who before lived in dirt huts and barely scraped by now had enough land to feed their families, health care and college.

Which did many of them little good after being thrown in prison for making Fidel beard jokes.

We should be praising his accomplishments and hoping that his brother can bring as much good to Cuba as he did.

He could hardly do worse. Maybe he could make more seaworthy inner tubes available to the Cubans. That'd be a start.


Let's wrap this up with a Fark cliche':

Friday Bacon Post

Is the world undergoing a "Bacon Awakening"? Baconwakening? Bacon.

F***ing listen up, you f***ing wankers: start f***ing eating British f***ing bacon! You f***ing disgust me!

[Tammy Wynette]Stand by your ham.[/Wynette]

Thursday, February 21, 2008

ThunderJournal Diarrhea (In Context)

Today's Strib editorial caught my eye because it used a poop term to describe blogging while defending Michele Obama's shame for her country. Since the twofold mission of KAR consists of 1) the deconstruction and criticism of the rhetorics of public affairs and 2) poop blogging, naturally, we must comment:

A popular and often thoughtful Twin Cities radio personality picked up on the Michelle Obama patriotism flap Tuesday night. It's important to have context, he said, explaining why the station would play more than a snippet of audio from Obama's controversial speech before opening up the phone lines.

Wonderful. In this era of talk radio, talk TV and diarrhea of the blog,

"The blog"? Which blog? I can only think of 2 that could even remotely be connected to runny poop (of course, there are thousands that can be compared to it).

In any case, I think the Strib editors still have a long way to go in their embrace of the new media.

context is anything over a minute.

This, my friends, is progress. A left-wing mouthpiece coming out in favor of context is a momentous step toward intellectual honesty. If only they would send the memo to NonMonkey who, last I checked, was still willfully misrepresenting what certain bridge ratings mean.

Critics want to use a quote from a campaign speech -- " ... For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country'' --to paint Michelle Obama as unpatriotic.

No. The whole patriotism thing is so worn, that word no longer possesses any meaning. What "critics" do want to use the quote for, is to point out that Ms. Obama is just another typical America loathing leftist, who wishes to use her deprecation of this nation as a crowbar to force in a bunch of socialist policies to "solve" some imagined "crisis." They're a dime a dozen.

This is especially important, since the Obama campaign (cult?) is all about "change". Yet Ms. Obama's statement tends to indicate that they're just another pair of hysterical flea-infested leftists bent on making others pay for their utopian vision.

Onward to what the Strib Editorial Board believes is "context":

In the interest of meaningful context, consider a Feb. 14 New York Times story on Obama's life and her role in her husband's campaign. Here's a summary:

Michelle Robinson Obama, 44, grew up in working-class Chicago family. Her maternal grandfather, a carpenter, was forced out of a job because, as a black man, he was not allowed to join a union. Her father worked for the city. Her mother stayed home and focused on the children. She limited their TV viewing, leaving the kids to play chess, read books and participate in sports. This was not a family that seemed at odds with their country. In fact, they were trying to achieve the American dream.

Her high school advisers tried to convince her not to apply to Princeton because they didn't think her academic scores were adequate. Although she graduated with honors in sociology, her Princeton counselors doubted her ability to get her law degree at Harvard. They were wrong.

She met her husband at a Chicago law firm, and eventually both were drawn to public service. Michelle founded the Chicago office of Public Allies, a national nonprofit leadership-training network for young adults. More recently, she's worked as vice president for community and external affairs for the University of Chicago's Medical Center. Her job, before she took a leave to campaign, focused on forming partnerships between the medical center and the poorer South Side neighborhood in which she grew up.

We get a Horatio Alger story.

So, to sum up the Strib's argument, such as it is, context requires that we acknowledge this story of a black woman who came out of lower-middle class origins in Chicago, who diligently took seriously her education eventually graduating from Princeton and Harvard law, who married well (a husband whom she found working at a law firm), and now is giving speeches on behalf of that husband who stands a better than fair chance of becoming president. And, according to the Strib - in one of the more spectacular non sequiturs this ThunderJournalist has ever seen - this is the proper context to understand why she hasn't been proud of her country until just very, very recently.

OK, Strib, I'll grant you that. She doesn't hate America. She's just incredibly blind.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Bacon Is Coming To The RNC Convention!

As it appears all sewn up for McCain as the RNC candidate, and Huckabee will likely turn his sites to primo-paying talk gigs, I wonder: what's the next strategic campaign move for Bacon? How can we make sure he has a presence in St. Paul this September at the RNC convention? As Bacon's campaign publicist, I've been struggling for ideas.

Then it struck me. Delegates and convention-goers will get hungry. Media pundits will be looking for a quick bite between hair and makeup retouches. Displaced downtowners who can't get a seat at Mickey's Diner will be looking elsewhere for eats. Hairy-and pierced-in-places-we-don't-like protesters will surely need sustenance.

Voila! Bacon can reach across the aisle, satisfy the hungry — and garner votes in the process — as the "Official street food vendor to the RNC Convention." Picture a vendor/campaign volunteer stationed on every corner...

Who could resist from putting one of these in their mouth?

Bacon. Deliciousness we can believe in... victory we can taste.

Actually, Following The Same Logic, A Case Could Be Made That Linking to Certain Lefty-Blogs Could Also Constitute Torture

Are you a lefty who is outraged - OUTRAGED - about how there can even be a debate on whether or not waterboarding is torture? You are? Good. Here's some unsolicited advice:

Then you might want to consider purging morons like this from your ranks:

Saint Paul Police are asking for tasers!

“Tasing” is invisible torture. It’s as brutal and pain-inflicting as kicking someone in the teeth, or burning their skin with hot brands, or hanging them up the wrists when their arms are bound behind their backs. It’s as terror-inducing as water-boarding. Only because its agony is inflicted invisibly upon the human beings who are their victims are Tasers misperceived to be anything but morally abhorrent.

Because if you have people on your side willing to make the argument (by implication) that the only accptable method for police to subdue a violent, dangerous and threatening perp is to beat him with a nightstick or shoot him - or, alternatively, it's never acceptable to subdue them - then you can't really blame reasonable people for ignoring you. Reasonable people don't like wasting time listening to mental masterbationists spouting off stupid shit. Defining "torture" down to non-lethal, unsustained force to prevent immediate harm to innocents, is the very definition of "stupid shit."

Try not to let these overwrought and underthought positions see the light of day. It hurts your cred.

You're welcome.

Do You Know Why ThunderJournaling Has Become So Difficult Lately?

Because the looney toons I am accustomed to ripping on have taken to becoming caricatures of themselves. How the hell are you supposed to satirically skewer something in a way satisfying to readers, when basically all I would need to do is cut and paste their babblings into a post and write "There." at the end?

Yes the party and its followers known for having a deck full identity-victim cards are becoming paralyzed by their never-ending competition to out-PC each other. And the latest trope going around amongst "real" "feminists" (which I will henceforth mockingly refer to as "re-fems" or "bee-hotches," interchangably) is so mind-bogglingly dumb, I am merely going to describe it to you rather than risking third-degree stupids to my and your retinas by linking and quoting. I'm sure most of you know where to look. Ready? Here we go.

The latest flap among the re-fems revolves around the following quote made by Barack Obama (presumably shortly before someone nearby fainted):

"I understand that Senator Clinton, periodically when she’s feeling down, launches attacks as a way of trying to boost her appeal."

Get it? He said "periodically" followed by "feeling down". Good thing that there's absolutely no reason for anyone to utter the nonsensical phrase "men's true rating". It might give your typical super-obese re-fem blogger a coronary (well, either that or all the cartons of Ding Dongs consumed over the years).

Anyway, the refem bee-hotches refer to this supposed tactic as a "dog whistle". They define a dog whistle as a bit of rhetoric that seems innocuous to the casual observer, but contains a secret, implicit and nefarious double-message perceivable only to those on the same page as its declarant. However, I define "dog whistle" as a fantasy cooked up by certain hefty keyboard-pounders who tend to outthink their meager cognative abilities, employed to effectively substitute their perception of their own cleverness with actual evidence.

Note that none of these folks made the dog whistle charge when Hillary -

Excuse me for a second while I digress here. I would like to address those of you who refer to Ms. Clinton as "Hitlery":

Please stop.

It's not clever. It's not original. It makes you sound stupid. And I, for one, have had enough of the misapplied Hitler references over the past 7 years.

Again. I implore you. Stop it. If you don't stop it, I shall fashion your name into something that sounds derogatory - perhaps a moniker that implies that you like to have intercourse with frogs. Thank you for your attention on this matter.

Where was I? Oh yeah:

Note that none of these folks made the dog whistle charge when Hillary uttered this:

"Okay. I have a choice between a truly inspirational speaker (Obama) who has not done the kind of spadework with the sort of, uh, experience that, uhhh, another candidate has --"

Just like Obama used the word "periodically" when talking about a chick, Clinton used the word "spade" while referring to a black dude. Yet there was nothing from the folks who wear their "tolerance" of "diversity" on their Ding-Dong-stained sleeves.

In fact, nobody noticed it until the professional context-strippers at Media Matters picked up on Rush Limbaugh's riff on the quote. Of course, MM tried to paint Rush as some sort of bigot, when he was merely making fun of the same type of banal food fighting we are witnessing here, that these small minded-fools like to engage in to score cheap political points and to avoid having to talk about anything of substance.

I swear to God, if these drooling pea-brains are in power for any sustained period of time, the English language as we know it is doomed.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Impersonating Our Way Back to Glory

Over the weekend, I noticed that KAR has lost the top spot on the Nihilist in Golf Pants' top 11 blogs list, dropping us all the way down to #3. While I'm not bitter to have slipped down the list (we have, after all, held the top spot on that list for the better part of 4 years), I am a bit disappointed at the blogs that were chosen to replace us.

Nihilist's aptly-ranked #2 blog is now N(otre)D(ame) Nation. This should come as no surprise to anyone, as the NIGP is a typically insufferable Notre Dame alum. And really, the only way at this stage to get back in front of ND Nation on the list is to lose 9 football games or put on a production of the Vagina Monologues, and do it better than Notre Dame does. Obviously, we are in the wrong millieu to do that. Therefore we need to shoot the moon and go after the #1 blog, if we are to reinstall ourselves into blogging immortality.

For some reason, the Nihilist's #1 blog is now Fraters Libertas; a blog so formulaic and predictable, I could do the same things they do better than they do them typing only with my butt cheeks. (However, I will not be doing that now, as I am at work.) That said, there is a certain difficulty involved in that there are 4 contributors to Fraters, whereas I am but just one man. Therefore, I shall write the post that returns us to number one, by incorporating the 4 disparate styles of the Fraters into a single post. The powers that be at the Nihilist in Golf Pants shall witness the raw power and sick blog game of KAR as we do the Fraters schtick better than the Fraters can, and they have no choice but to return us to number 1. That post begins anon:


The other day while I was standing in line waiting for a free burrito and sticking pins into my Rick Majerus voodoo doll, my thoughts turned to my recent travels to Ulan Bator, Mongolia. I enjoyed riding in business class for the 37 hour journey (free drinks!), however the hooch seemed to have sapped my immune system as I came down with the Mongolian Spotted Death Flu within 24 hours of deplaning. Also, the movie selection in the hotel room sucked, and there was no CSPAN available (to say nothing of CSPAN's younger, more free-spirited sibling, CSPAN2).

And now, because I don't really feel like writing any more, here is an extensive and uninterrupted excerpt from a random Wall Street Journal Opinion piece (free for all!):

House Republicans have been taunting Democrats for turning down their offer to eliminate spending earmarks, and Democrats reply that the GOP isn't serious. The Republicans seem intent on proving that Democrats are right, as GOP leaders showed last week in denying Arizona's Jeff Flake a seat on the Appropriations Committee.

Mr. Flake is the scourge of earmarks and the last person Members of either party want on Congress's main spending committee. He would have been a whistle-blower for taxpayers, in particular against the powerful Democrats who get the most earmarks now that they are in the majority, such as Pennsylvania's Jack Murtha. But Republican spenders couldn't tolerate someone who would call out their pork too.

House Minority Leader John Boehner has been warning his party that it won't take back Congress until it swears off earmarking, so he must be getting comfortable with his minority status. He handed the Appropriations seat to Alabama's Jo Bonner, who had less seniority than Mr. Flake (three terms to four) and also votes routinely for spending that Mr. Flake opposes. Americans for Prosperity, a conservative advocacy group, compared voting records and found that of 50 amendments on the House floor to strike specific earmarked projects, Mr. Flake voted for all of them.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snork* Er...

Oh, you're done reading. Time to wrap this up:

I'm so drunk! Hugh Hewitt is a big weiner who can't drive snowmobiles . Hockey! America - fuck yeah!

Your Brother in Christ,

St. Chad the Doubtless Atomizer

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Presidents' Day Rip Off

We cannot let this Presidents' Day pass without noting that our gag has been filched:

What's next? A new PGA tour event called the Fillmore Memorial Pro-Am (brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Kia Motors)?

This annual running gag is over!

INTERESTING FACTOID: Our own Notorious BIL is the Millard Fillmore Memorial KarNation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic event co-chair. He also owns a little rat-dog. The dog's name?


And the cosmic ballet goes on...

Friday, February 15, 2008

America’s Next Top Metal Idol

Foot, being the "MOB's arbiter of all things metal," has approved my design for our new metal band logo.

Behold, I give you

Pause. Let your eyes feast in the glory of metal logo deliciousness.

Like Chris Mathews said when he hears Obama speak, you too should feel a thrill going up your leg.

And then down.

After you've cleansed yourself, prepare for the second coming of the new standard in metal. Applications for band members shall now commence.

Friday Bacon Post

Finally, there will be something worthwhile to do in Des Moines. (T o' the P to Bogus Doug)

Just when you thought Los Angeles couldn't suck any more, it goes and bans bacon-wrapped hot dogs. From my cold dead hands, fascists; my. cold. dead. hands.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Why Do Liberals Hate Context?

Looks like someone was bored:

When you type "far left wing blog" into Google it's surprising what comes up. Would you like to go on a little adventure with me? Be prepared for some surprising twists and turns along the way as I take you to the sites I was sent to.

Wow! That'

Well, sad really.

But anyway, he went through with this brilliantly conceived scientific experiment (typing "far left wing blog" into google), and guess who came up #2?

The next place on our journey is "The Kool-Aid Report." The article at hand was published November 12, 2007. The article title is "Inside the Far Left-Wing DUMP (Drooling Unctuous Moronic Penisheads)". I don't know about this, it doesn't really sound like a title from a far left blog.

I think there might be a problem with your methodology.

Reading through the post all I got out of it was these guys need a life.

Says the guy who wrote a 24 paragraph post about a google search.

Dude, seriously. If you had my life, you'd burn yours.

I think they are conservative but, okay I admit it, I couldn't read the entire article, it was just that bad.

You know why it was unreadable? Hmm? Hmmm?

Because it was just one of several in a wonderful series of posts that subjected a deranged smear merchant to the same treatment he gave to others. There are many many things in that post that you wouldn't understand if you don't read KAR (i.e. the whole multifisk concept) or were not familiar with the local blogging scene and its resident obsessive stalkers (i.e references to "the Dump," the spot on impersonations of former Screw Magazine employee Ken Weiner, etc.). It also might have been helpful if you had clicked through some of the links provided in that post, which may have provided the needed background that you so obviously were missing.

See, it's called context. Something you failed to take into account when developing the brilliant plan for your research.

Get a clue.

What? There Are No White Castles in St. Cloud?

Today we get classic NonMonkey, doing his classic NonMonkey thang, to wit:

1) Conservative ( this case Tim Pawlenty) politician makes policy statement;

2) NonMonkey goes to local low-rent dive restaurant to conduct man on the street interviews;

3) Finds convenient marks that contradict policy statement;

4) Asserts the dire circumstances of a handful of people to be a universal crisis;

5) Poops out a pun-filled column asserting such;

6) Goes home and sires another child.

There, I have neatly summed up today's fetid unpossesed-monkey tripe. However, little did he know that I too was out on the town talking to the salt of the earth folksy folk who represent reality. I wanted to find out if, like NonMonkey asserts, the average Joe Shmo has to suck lint out of discarded carpet remnants to get adequate nutrition and that we're all going to die because nobody has health insurance. Here is what I found when talking to 2 ordinary citizens, whom - I swear to God - I have never met before. Their names have been changed. Everything else is totally real.

Greatness was the message of the Governor's State of the State Address -- delivered to a small audience of invited big shots (and 75 empty seats). But fifty miles away, at the St. Paul Grill in St. Paul, greatness was not apparent to a cross-section of Twin City residents who were drinking martinis and who didn't get invited to hear the Tim Talk.

Let's call this report the State of the St. Paul Grill. It won't be as flowery as the State of the State, but it will have true grit. The State of the St. Paul Grill is reality-based

Listen to a 38-year-old traffic light programmer named Sy Siphus who earns over $50,000 a year, programming traffic lights. How's the state of your state, Sy? I asked.

"People are hurting," he said, taking a draw off his third dry Bombay Sapphire martini. "My blog partner and I are way behind on our blogging, we have way too much health insurance, and my stock portfolio only went up 2% last week. And I can't watch any f-ing Gophers hockey because I don't get the f-ing Big Ten Network. We are hardly making it."

Siphus' partner, Paul Hippie, is a health care exec.

Paul just got another $100,000 in backdated stock options, but a hike in his health-care premium meant his take-home pay is only a mere $1,000 more a month than before the backdating. Meanwhile, Paul is also a degenerate and singularly untalented gambler who has absorbed tens of thousands of dollars in losses betting on football games. "The gambling losses I can easily afford," says Hippie as he spreads some Russian caviar on a very expensive looking cracker. "What really frosts my hide is all the excess health insurance my company gets me. I mean, c'mon - I don't need substance abuse treatment insurance. Do I look like a crack whore to you?"

Sy snorts martini out his nose.

Just then, the waiter brought their food. After one slice through the meat, Sy dropped his knife and slammed his fist on the table.

"I specifically askeed for 25-day dry aged grass-fed kobe!" Sy bellowed, "This steak has only been dry aged for 22 days!"

Paul clucked his tongue sympathetically. "Sometimes I just think the world has gone to hell."

I looked out the window. Gazing across Rice Park, I could see scads of well-dressed people filing into the Ordway Theatre to see the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra perform a Chopin concerto. I sighed heavily. So did Sy.

"The Wild are sold out again," he lamented, "the Science Museum is too packed to enjoy. 'Spamalot' isn't coming to the Ordway until May..."

"We've got a lot of problems," Paul finished his thought.

Yes, sir. We do.

Happy VD!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It's Over

Obama will be your Tic nominee. Here's the final nail:

Apparently they've ceded the black vote and most of the white vote to Obama. This video is obviously targeted at the last remaining large constituency: the Rhythmless Pasty White voter.

I Hate Your F&%^ing Guts! (Why Won't You Talk to Me?)

Oh look - our favorite local unhinged twit Karl is getting more free bandwidth from a compliant media:

Last week, I momentarily felt honored, like the Queen invited me to her court.

Well, not really. But after seven years of representing me in the Legislature and Congress, I finally got my first call from Michele Bachmann, inviting me to engage in a question-and-answer session with her.

Let's be fair - a foreign concept for Karl, to be sure - Michele Bachmann represents Karl about as much as Keith Ellison represents Dementee. She's more beholden to the folks who put her in office than she is to babbling perpetually-outraged fuckwits like Karl here.

OK, not exactly. I got an anonymous robo-call from somewhere telling me to stay on the line and I could participate in a tele-town forum with the congresswoman. A few seconds later, I became party to a conversation between Bachmann and another caller.

Well, sort of. I could hear both sides of their conversation, but I couldn't participate in it. Eventually, robo-voice advised me to press "star-three" to signal that I wished to ask the congresswoman a question myself. So I did, and thus began a 25-minute wait through an endless stream of friendly callers that ended abruptly without me ever getting to talk to Michele.

Which was a huge plus to all the unsuspecting Town Hall participants who have a low tolerance for specious bullshit.

Welcome to constituent service, Bachmann style.

Actually, you can contact the Congresswomen's office at any time. Of course the downside to this method of obtaining "constituent service" for people like Karl, is that there's no spectators to witness your attempts to embarrass the Congresswoman or your condescending self-righteous demagoguery.

Because, let's face it: that's really what Karl's main beef is. He wants to be heard, not by Bachmann, but by everybody else. He knows he's not going to change her mind about anything. He just wants a large forum in which his rage doesn't feel quite so impotent.

I know these things. I was at the John Kline Town Hall Meeting / Moonbat Narcisism Festival.

Our 6th District congresswoman isn't known for her robust communication with constituents — at least not those on her list of supporters. In fact, Bachmann has nurtured a reputation over the years for not communicating with constituents at all, unless it serves to promote herself or her agenda in some way. Rare is the constituent who disagrees with Michele Bachmann and receives even an acknowledgement of a letter, email or phone call.

Again to be fair, Bachmann doesn't so much have "detracters" as she has "sociopathic stalkers with way too much time on their hands." Would you answer an invitation from a person who has made it his or her sole purpose in life to destroy you?

Go read (actually, a better term might be "experience") the Dump Bachmann "blog" and give me one reason Bachmann should give these socially maladjusted smear merchants like Bremmer the time of day.

Constituent service? Suck it Karl. Bachmann's not going to sponsor a constitutional amendment making gay marriage a federal secular sacrement, in deference to the wishes of the majority of voters who put her in the office in the first place.

Oh, and say "hi" to Weiner for me. We sure miss him 'round these parts.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The News in Haikus

This is the biggest
Scam in history. Someone
Pay me not to fart.

Yet another city
Council has grand delusions;
Thinks it's House of Reps.

Looks like a storm is
Rolling in. I hear thunder.
What's that? JESUS CHRIST!

Do sex Androids dream
Of electronic penis?
Virtual anal?

For tonight's homework,
Write an essay. Next project:
Grade your own essay.

There is a house in
New Orleans, that was used by
A spy from Taiwan.

On This Battlefield No One Wins

There are some contests of which the best outcome one could hope for is that all participants lose. Naderites versus Tics is one instance of this. Another would be anytime the Bears and the Vikings play each other.

And then there's today's epic loser/loser tilt: Cop With Short-Man's Disease vs. Misanthropic Emo Skater Punks.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Greatest. Online. Shopping. Experience. Ever.

Valentines Day sucks for men; especially so for men who want to buy underthings for their sweeties. First, there's the general creepy perviness you feel from poring over racks of women's underwear in public. Then there's the inevitable groin kicks that come after asking the hotter store employees to model some thong that looks interesting. It's a dangerous dangerous game.

But those days are over. Now you don't have to risk gonadal damage to see what some small piece of fabric looks like on a human being before you buy it. For this day, I give you KnickerPicker! (Not safe for work, unless you work in a brothel.)

Yes, with a simple click, these virtual models will help you choose the perfect V-Day gift for your babe. You can change their undies, beckon them closer, and turn them around. And around. And around.

Or, you could just forget about the shopping part and just look at the models in different thongs.

A New, More Robust KAR Design!

If you are reading this post, you are looking at the new and improved KAR design. As artistic director, it is my charge to make sure the Thunderjournal's image stays fresh and hip from an aesthetics point. The regular contributors to the content; Learned Foot etal, make sure that the posts are relevant, snappy, and riveting. This can be a tough job day in and out, as you other T-Journalists undoubtedly know.

So I started thinking of a way to make sure the readers of KAR were not getting "tired" of the look, without making too much of a departure from the brand. The result is what you see here. What before was just a partial infringement of the Koolaid trademark is now a lock, stock, and barrel rip-off with the incorporation of the familiar Koolaid font in the header. The header area has also been enlarged to allow more fun scenes with Koolaid Guy. You will also notice the brightening of the whole site by ditching the deep blue which was prominent in the old layout in favor of the eye-pleasing white space you see here.

We hope you like the new arrangement. If you do, make sure to weigh in on the sidebar poll.

Thankks for reading KAR!

Moron Mail

When you get a tic and a Naderite in the same room together, the conversation goes esentially like this:

TIC: How can you support Nader? He'll end up getting the Repuglican selected not elected again. Workers of the world unite! Patcouli! I don't shave my armpits!

NADERITE: Corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate corporate!

I have made my disgust at the misuse and abuse of the word "corporation" and all its variants known for sometime now. It's an annoying mixture of ignorance, smugness and anti-capitalism, and it makes me throw up just a little everytime I hear one of these neo-commies misuse that word.

All a corporation really is is a legal fiction meant to mitigate some of the personal risks inherent in engaging in business and industry. Of course, the Naderites won't use "business and industry" when referring to their intended target of derision, because some people might think to themselves "Hey - I'm employed by business and industry. If this jerk off gets what he wants, I'll be unemployed!" Very counterproductive for the Naderites' purposes. However, the word "corporate" is an ugly, curt word that evokes a visceral recollection of how some drone down at "corporate" once screwed up your time sheet, and you had to spend the next 3 weeks calling the wrong person to fix a problem that they "show no record of".

So, like I said. These people are either dumb, or they're brilliant propagandists.

From now on, whenever a Naderite or other moonbat debases the word "corporation", I will invoke the image of Inigo Montoya, who once famously remarked "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means," thusly:

Hey - whaddya know? - a letter from a Naderite:

A Feb. 5 Star Tribune editorial claimed that Ralph Nader "undermines the democratic process" by running as an independent, anticorporate

candidate and refusing to join the Democratic Party.

The reality is that it's the two major parties in this country that undermine the democratic process by excluding all independent voices who seek to challenge their monopoly on power and the corporate

domination of our political system. In 2000, the Democrats and Republicans colluded to exclude Ralph Nader from the debates even though a majority of Americans said they wanted him in them. In 2004, the Democratic Party and its supporting organizations spent tens of millions of dollars on lawsuits to keep Nader off the ballot in a vain attempt to ensure that voters would have to vote for their prowar [???????? --ed.] candidate John Kerry.

The editorial also claims that Nader would have been able to have a major influence if he had given a national convention keynote at the Democratic National Convention, like Barack Obama in 2004. There's no chance that the Democrats would ever, in a million years, allow Nader, who earned his reputation by attacking corporate

interests -- the very same interests that provide the majority of funding to the Democratic Party -- to give a keynote speech at their convention.

There's nothing funny about the prostitution of our political system to big corporations.

I sincerely hope that Ralph Nader will again run for president to provide a voice to those fed up with corporate

power, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the $500 billion military budget, the criminal injustice system [oh, SNAP! --ed.] and racist war on drugs, and the enormous gaps between rich and poor in this country. If he doesn't run, big business [er, don't you mean "big corporations"? --ed.] and their two-party system will be laughing all the way to the bank.


My name is LearnedFoot. You killed my brain cells. Prepare to be mocked...

Friday, February 08, 2008

Friday FAIL

It has been a sucky week for posting, like Foot sez earlier. But I found an article today that might help reverse the trend. From the MN Sun Post, we learn of a spectacularly dim robber whose heist ended in a spectacular FAIL.
A Minneapolis man could end up behind bars for up to five years for stealing $3 to $4 in loose change from a area hair salon.

The Hennepin County Attorney's Office on Jan. 30 charged Mark Allan Woodworth, 44, with third-degree felony burglary. He's accused of breaking into and stealing spare change from Stephan's Hair Stylist, 4120 Lakeland Ave., in Robbinsdale.

("Change We Can Believe In!" -ed)

Woodworth is being held on $10,000 bail at the county's Public Safety Facility.

(That's one effed-up ROI, dude.)

About 1 a.m. on Jan. 29, a witness called police after seeing someone break the front door at the business and then leave. The witness provided a suspect description, which included that the man wore a distinct black jacket with a symbol on the back.

(An arrow and "I'm with Stupid")

A short distance later, police picked up Woodworth; he matched the suspect description. Woodworth had a cut on his left hand and was bleeding. There was blood at the scene of the burglary.

The witness positively identified Woodworth.

Police obtained video surveillance from RC Liquors, the city of Robbinsdale's municipal liquor store. The video appears to show Woodworth attempting to break into RC Liquors with a large rock, then walking to the hair salon and throwing the same rock.
When apprehended, I'll bet the suspect wore a distinct symbol on the back of his pants.

Wow Did This Week Suck

I'm not sure if there's been a worse week to be a ThunderJournalist. No time. No material. No stupid letters (oh sure, there were letters that were wrong, but it takes an extra little something special to be a Moron Mail). No resolution on the Metal Question. No sherry enemas.

You know things really suck when the highlight of KAR's week is the Friday Bacon Post. Happily, as I glance around at the other blogs in our orbit, I see they also suffered from the same amount of suckatude that we did. So we soldier on in our Sisyphean task another week, wishing that we could selectively archive our posts. We end this week sadder and wiser, but encouraged by the knowledge that as much as we've sucked this week, there are many, many others who suck all the time.

Poopie weiner.

Friday Bacon Post

Atomizer's life now complete: bacon martinis.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

What's Funnier than the Words "Weiner Poopie"?

Hearing a local TV news reporter say it repeatedly with a straight face. Weiner poopie.

My Enormous Caucus

On the local news last night there was a shot of a woman running into the building where her precinct caucus was being held. She looked at the camera and exclaimed in such a manner so as to leave no doubt of her sincerety, "I am SO excited!!!!" And I thought to myself, get a life.


Oh we're told these nice platitudes: "You can make a difference" or "History belongs to those who show up," but I prefer to think that I make a difference at things that really matter, by being a good dad, husband, employee, neighbor and so on. People who show up for those sorts of duties create the real positive influence on society. Meeting with a bunch of like-minded folks to discuss how you can get someone elected who will make the government force other people to make the proverbial Better Nation (whatever that is) - or at least prevent the party opposite from destroying it - doesn't rank high on my list of imparatives. American government was viewed at its beginning as a necessary evil; but since it has morphed into this all-encompassing mania to build Utopia (whatever that is), or to at least prevent the apocolypse.

And then this last year came. Now, in addition to being an Epic Battle for the Soul of the Nation, our election process has become March Madness, the NFL playoffs; sports for dorks who don't like sports.

OMG who's gonna win? What strategy will Romney employ to beat back Huckabee's capture of the evangelicals? Guiliani had a bad game plan! My prefered candidate lost - I'm depressed.

This has all gotten extremely annoying to me. So much so, that the mere thought of having to sit through a meeting in a middle school gymnasium watching people talk about platform planks makes me physically ill.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not denegrating caucus-goers. I'm just saying it's not for everyone, so spare me the lectures about how vital it is to attend and participate. Being one voice among millions (especially in a process where some voices are weighted much more heavily than others) makes about as much difference on the outcome of this stage of the game as does one screaming cheesehead sitting in the bleachers of Lambeau Field has on the outcome of any given football game. That is to say, not much. The players still fully control their own destiny.

By all means, if you are an activist, get all amped up or whatever. But please understand that I, like most others, am not one. Judging by many of the things I've been reading on the blogs this morning you all had a great night last night. But while you were listening to some guy introduce a plank to deport all illegal aliens / give all illegal aliens the right to vote (depending on which caucus you attended), I was introducing my own plank to the fetching Mrs. Foot.

So I had a pretty exciting night too.

(And yes, I have been waiting a very long time to use that line.)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Ryan Has Won a Major Award

We here at KAR would like to send out our heartfelt props to Friend of the ThunderJournal Ryan, who just received an accolade from his sensei:

The Mario Roberto Jiu-Jitsu Academy is proud to name RYAN RHODES our student of the month for January of 2008.

Ryan is one of our blue belts and a long time member of the MRJJA. He has impeccable form when it comes to technical drills, and his sparring skills have greatly improved during the past few months. Ryan seldom misses classes, and his sense of humor is a welcome addition to our training environment.

SENSEI: Bow to your opponent.

RYAN: [Bows. Releases 30 second long fart.]

He is a very talented writer, and you can check his blog here.

And be sure not to miss his dirty mushroom posts.

A warning to the new students: Rhodes is almost impossible to choke,

Possibly because he has no neck:

and possesses a plank-like living-rigor mortis capability (he is now starting to relax during training, though).

One rarely sees so many homoerotic double entendres in a single paragraph. "He won't choke and he gets real stiff boys! Frankie say 'relax'!"

I'd better stop there, since he could probably kick my ass.

Moron Mail

We leave the editorial pages for today's Moron Mail and turn to a medical advice column:

DEAR DR. DONOHUE: I feel lost. Everybody says I'm obese. I am 5 feet 7 inches and weigh 270 pounds. I am a 48-year-old male. I swim three to five times a week. I feel good. I recently had a stress test for my heart. I came out with flying colors. Why am I being told I am obese? I have a 52-inch chest and a 50-inch waist.

Er... because you're obese?

(Damn I wish the Strib would go back to the days before they had standards for choosing which letters to print.)

You People Sicken Me

So last week I started a little poll to once and for all determine the answer to the important question "what is the greatest metal song ever"? After a few days, the top five separated themselves, but the outcome was far from certain. The lead changed so much, that the winner would have been determined largely by when I decided to end the poll.

So I took those top 5 and had a runoff. I figured that we would get a defininitve winner with a culled-down field.


Seriously. Can't you people do anything with out fucking it up? After 151 votes you come up with a 3-way tie?

Back in Black?

You suck.

Since I am the Keeper of the Poll and the MOB's arbiter of all things metal, I guess I'm just going to have to declare the winner myself. You people had your chance. You people are probably also the reason why an empty-skirt like Amy Klobuchar got like 75% of the vote.

Your failure is so unredeemingly complete, that the greatest metal song of all time didn't even make the top 5. Yes, your winner is:

It appears that most of the world concurs with my decision.

Shame on you.

Monday, February 04, 2008

So That's How It's Done




Hmmm. I'll have to think this over.

(Thanks, Stone!)

Closed circuit to Iron Maitron and/or Bill: Start working on a logo. Once the important stuff is taken care of, we can start looking for a bassist.

More Metalfestey!

Here's a blast from the past that's soon to be a new release from DeathSkull (anybody know how to do umlauts in html?):

Vacation in Hell (My Rage Meter)

Sitting on my duff
On Mackinac Island
Fussing about the heat
I've got no newspaper

If you don't read the news
You can pretty much avoid
Knowing that the world
Is blowing up around yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!

Back home I start the day
With bran and hardtack
My teeth grind
My stomach knots
And the little needle
On my rage meter
Pings over to the red zoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone!

After religious wars
And the oil wars
(If there is an after)
It'll be the water wars

These sailors come ashore
With swagger of privilege
Claiming dehydration (Sexual deprivation)
From their weekend ordeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!


Hear them partying
On the hotel lawn below
Band is playing "Free ride"
But the Free ride's over!


(Killer guitar solo into the coda:)

Eventually the anesthesia (of oblivion)
Wears off -you feel pain
As crazed surgeons continue
To slice up the world
There's nothing you can do.
Vacation is over!
Vacation is over!
Vacation is over!

Fourth. Greatest. Super Bowl. Ever.

Hell of a game yesterday. Not much else to say other than:

1) You will be hearing a lot less about the Jets' epic upset of the Colts in Super Bowl III (or was it IV?) going forward.

2) Chad will no doubt compose a post about how the Giants late-season run just fucked their draft position.

3) Disciples of the Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System once again find themselves with more money than they know how to spend. Yep, the NALBS was letter-perfect this year, coming in 2 for 2 (or 3 for 3, if you thought the Nihilist's NFC Championship pick was sincere.)

Friday, February 01, 2008

The Parade of Horribles Has Run Out of Floats

The rhetoric surrounding in the issue of anthropogenic global warming cooling climate change (what's the #$%$#&!ing weather like today?), can best be described as "stupid". And I use that word in its worst, most demeaning and -if it's at all possible - most scatalogical sense.

For we are often told that "The Science" tells us that increased carbon gasses emiting from the engines of civilization leads to increased temperatures around the globe. That part takes the hysterics about 5 seconds, so they can spend the rest of their time trying to scare gullibles with outrageous claims of the coming Scorched Earth Apocolypse (Hey - that'd make a good metal band name too!), to "prove" their point. I'm sure you've heard them: Florida under water, we won't be able to grow anything anywhere, famine, pestilence, plague, mass sterility, no ice caps, a reversion to a nomadic lifestyle, mass starvation, an end to internet porn, feral cats roaming Wall Street, cannibalism, the desalinization of the seas, milions of tons of dead tuna washing up on our shores because of the desalinized seas, the Cubs winning a World Series, excessive flatulance and pooping from an all-sand diet, the Earth crashing into the sun, David Strom actually losing weight, the Holy Ascention of George Soros, cancer, war, Chinese hegemony, Canadian hegemony, drowning polar bears, beached whales, the evaporation of potable water (except for in the newly-desalinized seas), dehydration, scurvy, rickets, shingles, carpal tunnel syndrome and finally, mercifully, death.

AND WE ONLY HAVE 10 YEARS TO AVOID IT!!!!!!! OMG!!!! EVERYBODY PANIC (and buy crappy lightbulbs)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always contended that the direness and frequency of their "warnings" is inversely proportional to the actual threat Global (What's the #$%$#&!ing Weather Like Today?) poses. Happily, today, we discover that there is no such thing as Anthropomorphic Global...Whatever, as the alarmists have finally tapped the well of negative consequences dry:

As Wisconsinites gear up for next season, Wisconsin Environment today highlighted how global warming could affect the future success of the Packers. Specifically, the group pointed to the threat of rising winter temperatures lessening the cold weather that has historically given the Packers an edge over warm weather rivals.

Er, the gametime temperature for the NFC Championship Game (yes, Vikings' fan, there are more games after the Wild Card round. Why do you ask?) in Green Bay this year was 3 degrees.

And the Packers lost.

Don't bother reading the rest. It's just more of the same crap, liberally peppered with super-gay football puns.

Friday Bacon Post

FREE BACON EVERY WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! HOORAY FOR BACON!!!!! (Bonus: $4.00 Bacon Marys.) Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo already booking weekly trips to MSP. (Via F-Dogs)