Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The MOB Mayoral Debates -- Debate #4

Rules, fools:

1) The debate shall take place only within the thread appurtenant to this post. Please do not post your debate answers on your blog, since nobody reads it.

2) Only mayoral candidates, the moderator and Sisyphus may post comments in this thread.

3) The candidates shall discuss only the debate topic or question presented in this post.

4) The MOB voters have the right to know the candidates' positions on the vital issues of the day, like the possible sexual proclivities of their opponents. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR LIFE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO STRIKE ANY CANDIDATE FROM THE BALLOT WHO DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PARTICIPATE IN THE DEBATES.


TOPIC: Mayoral timbre

DEBATE: Mocking Strib coldumnist NonMonkey is a popular MOB sport. However there are only a very precious few who truly excel at it. As mayor, you are not required to fisk NonMonkey, or even if you do, to be very good at it. But just as a Minnesota Governor who deeply despises fishing must still suffer through the annual Fishing Opener photo op, so must the MOB Mayor demonstrate at least a certain respect and capacity for the art form that is a NonMonkey Fisk.

Today's debate is an essay question.

Select a small excerpt (2 to 3 grafs max) from this NonMonkey drooling from last week, and give it a vigorous fisking.

Words Fail

Save one:


Monday, September 29, 2008

The Poop Sign: A Concept So Elegant, Even a 7 Year Old Can Explain It

The B on the poop sign -- A KAR motion picture event:

You'll Find a God in Every Golden Cloister

Over Moonchild's heretofore brief life (he entered the world shortly before KAR did), I've extensively chronicled here the variety of things he does to amuse himself. From baseball, to bothering his sister to pooping to surfing down stairs on his belly to feats of almost psychotic peril, the boy has exhibited a panache for adventurous or deeply vulgar pursuits. Like most four year olds, he bores easily and has the attention span of a gnat. Unlike most four year olds, his ideal approach to same would most likely involve setting something on fire and then pummeling it with a blunt object. Preferably poop.

As is my routine, I went to the gym on Saturday for my daily thrice weekly weekly semi-monthly workout. I dropped Moonchild off at the child center - NAY - the Child Activity Palace, as Moonchild in any proximity to weights is liable to end in tragedy. In the Child Activity Palace, there are a myriad of things to do. There's an elaborate jungle gym, a huge flat screen for watching DVDs, tons of toys, a mini basketball court with 7 foot rims and all the equipment for dodgeball or floor hockey, and a small infant area where babies can be safely sequestered away from the ambulatory kids. Oh, and there's also a computer area outfitted with a dozen newer Macs with flat screens, all set up with a variety of games or educational programs. The games run the gamut from classics like Pac Man and Donkey Kong to more recent ones that involve all manner of blinking and bleeping mayhem. If Moonchild is in one of his sedentary moods, I usually tell one of the Child Activity Palace monitors to not allow him to play on the computers. But since we were there early on Saturday, the jungle gym and the basketball court were not yet available. So I let him play on the computers.

Forty-five sweaty profanity-filled minutes later, I returned to the locker room, dressed and went to retrieve Moonchild from the child Activity Palace. Normally, this is a Sisyphean task because either Moonchild is having so much fun he refuses to leave or he's so amped up from all the running around that it's like herding squirrels trying to get him to move towards the door. When I found him on Saturday, he was, as expected, at a computer deeply absorbed in a game. I approached from behind him and as I was about to tap him on his shoulder I noticed what game he was playing.



No, not Battle Chess or some other cool-looking variant, where when a piece is taken some sweet looking animation depicting a disembowelment happens. It was just an ordinary unadorned stripped down chess game with black and white squares and red and blue two-dimensional pieces. He was so engrossed in the game, he didn't notice my presence until I exclaimed, out of surprise rather than disapproval: "WTF???? YOU'RE PLAYING CHESS?????????"

"Yeah. I like chess. Poopy poop poop farts." And then he punched me in the balls playfully and turned back to the game.

When we returned home, I mentioned his affinity for chess to his mother. She indicated that he had been playing it for some time at the Child Activity Palace. Which is nice to know now, since he likes to use me as his own personal jungle gym every night when I get home from work. We have a chess game on our laptop. Maybe I can refocus his violent tendencies at an electronic opponent's rook instead.

And The Emmy Goes To...

Seriously, this is the best work I've seen from Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly since Cagney and Lacy...

Friday, September 26, 2008

The MOB Mayoral Debates -- Debate #3

Rules, yo:

1) The debate shall take place only within the thread appurtenant to this post. Please do not post your debate answers on your blog, since nobody reads it.

2) Only mayoral candidates, the moderator and Sisyphus may post comments in this thread.

3) The candidates shall discuss only the debate topic or question presented in this post.

4) The MOB voters have the right to know the candidates' positions on the vital issues of the day, like the possible sexual proclivities of their opponents. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR LIFE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO STRIKE ANY CANDIDATE FROM THE BALLOT WHO DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PARTICIPATE IN THE DEBATES.


TOPIC: Culture.

DEBATE: Some guy on TV said something offensive once. Describe how it was Mitch Berg's fault.

Poop Signs - Git Yer Poop Signs Here!

They arrived, just in time to display with pride at Keeg's last night...

Chief's up with his sign:

Foot properly showed his off:

And led the group into PoopSign's famous slogan:

Look for these signs to appear in future venues. Oh, the possibilities...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The MOB Mayoral Debates -- Debate #2

Da roolz:

1) The debate shall take place only within the thread appurtenant to this post. Please do not post your debate answers on your blog, since nobody reads it.

2) Only mayoral candidates, the moderator and Sisyphus may post comments in this thread.

3) The candidates shall discuss only the debate topic or question presented in this post.

4) The MOB voters have the right to know the candidates' positions on the vital issues of the day, like the possible sexual proclivities of their opponents. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR LIFE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO STRIKE ANY CANDIDATE FROM THE BALLOT WHO DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PARTICIPATE IN THE DEBATES. [Lady Logician, Bananianainan, JRoosh -- I'm looking at you]

TOPIC: Freedom of Speech

DEBATE: In a shocking development, the mainstream media has recently discovered that the vast majority of "people" who leave anonymous comments on blogs or other public comment engines are cretinous dateless wonders who are an obscene waste of the carbon molecules that comprise them. As Mayor, what will you do to Spot the offenders like an astute Minnesota Observer and dispatch their online droolings in a Flash? Don't Two Putt on this one. ~ Penigma.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The MOB Mayoral Debates -- Debate #1

These are the rules:

1) The debate shall take place only within the thread appurtenant to this post. Please do not post your debate answers on your blog, since nobody reads it.

2) Only mayoral candidates, the moderator and Sisyphus may post comments in this thread.

3) The candidates shall discuss only the debate topic or question presented in this post.

4) The MOB voters have the right to know the candidates' positions on the vital issues of the day, like the possible sexual proclivities of their opponents. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR LIFE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO STRIKE ANY CANDIDATE FROM THE BALLOT WHO DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PARTICIPATE IN THE DEBATES.

TOPIC: Health care

DEBATE: The following item appeared in the news today:

Man Goes to Court After Butt Stapled Shut

A West Virginia man is suing a Frederick County, Md., doctor for allegedly stapling his rectum shut during an operation, preventing the patient from defecating for 17 days, The Baltimore Examiner reported

Candidates, please answer the following question: of your opponents running for MOB mayor, which one's butt would you most like to staple shut and why?


This morning, as every day, I headed off to the bathroom at my office, sports section in hand, to do my Morning Squeeze. I ambled over to my usual stall which fortunately was unoccupied. Pushing open the stall door, I glanced down at the fixture which was to received my waste, when I spotted evidence that the previous occupant of that stall had failed to flush.

Now, I'm a guy who likes to admire a good poop as much as the next guy. There's nothing better than the swelling of pride I feel in my bosom when regarding a well-formed and hard fought turd. This is, after all, a common conceit among men. On the other hand, I'm not at all interested in other people's poop, no matter how exquisite the specimen may be. Since I know exactly what went into the manufacture of my poop, I know that it's quality stuff. I hand picked the materials that went into my poop, so I can't get too grossed out when the same stuff - albeit depleted of its vital nutrients, minerals and alcohol - exits at the end of its journey. The same cannot be said of Other People's Poop (ya' down with OPP? Yeah it's stinky!). For all I know, that guy who forgot to flush probably ate something grody like sushi or Grain Belt Premium. Though, now that I think of it, if the mystery pooper had Grain Belt, there probably wouldn't have been any solids involved in his next evacuation.

But I digress.

Anyhoo, as I always do when confronted with a full toilet, I backed out of the stall quickly, and turned to find a more suitable facility for my sacred morning rite. But as I turned, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye that just didn't seem right. Something was a bit off. Against my better judgement, I looked back at the potty to confirm my suspicions. What I saw - or, rather, didn't see - shook me to my core.

There was no toilet paper in the pot. Just a lone (fairly impressive, if a bit soft for my er...tastes) turd.

Whoever left that poop was in such a hurry that not only did he fail to flush, but he also failed to execute the wipe! Since, wiping our butts is one of the few things that separates us from the animals, I was deeply disturbed.

So there's a guy walking around my building today with poopy-butt. Needless to say, I've been distracted by this all day wondering who this person may be.

KAR Contest: New Ben & Jerry Flavor Names Needed!

PETA (which should stand for People Eating Tasty Animals) wants Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to use human milk in their product:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben & Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."


Breast pump manufacturers would have been ecstatic. Dairy farmers, not so much. B & J's response was something to the effect of "Bugger off, tit gits."

It won't happen, but if B & J change their minds, I'd like to throw out a new flavor contest for their ice cream. Look at their current selections, and put your ideas in the comments.

I'll start: Fudge Nipple Ripple

Update: OMG - we're back to Cleveland Steamer references!11!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Financial FAIL

Because I cannot add more to the great words of Foot and Ryan (below), I offer this non-Photoshopped image found on Drudge Report this afternoon. Click on the pic to read the latest opining of nervous politicians.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Just because some hep and clever guy employed one of our internet traditions in analog form doesn't mean that we can't use another in the same tableau:

The Roots of Subprime's Prime Time

With all the partisan sniping™ about what caused the financial mess that we're in, it behooves us to step back a moment from the electioneering and party politics and place the blame where it really, indisputably belongs.

All those nimrods who bought more house than they could afford.

You see, none of this would have been possible if all those people who read "maximum loan amount" on their preapproved loan documents as "buy a house that costs this much" had just stayed out of the market; or at least had been familiar with the nuances of the word "maximum". Because all the (well, most of) the troubles Wall Street is currently facing can be traced directly back to the dimwit making $35,000 per year who just absolutely fell in love with that 1800 square foot $400,000 bungalow in Tangletown with its $8000 per year in property taxes. The figures and locations are of course different from case to case, but the ratios tend to be the same. Sure, there may be a thin film of folks who were victimized by circumstances and were forced to default. I'm certainly not blaming them. Most people get farked by the fickle finger of fate at some point in their lives. I'm talking about those people that you think about when you drive past those vast tracts of McMansions and overpriced townhouses in Eden Prairie or Plymouth, wondering to yourself: "how can so many people afford these super-expensive homes?" You now have your answer. Most of them can't.

But, Foot, what about all those banks who extended loans to individuals that mathematically would have required them to work 3 jobs, sell plasma and whore out their children in order to repay those loans?

Short answer: see discussion of the word "maximum" supra.

Cheap shot answer that makes me tingle as I cut and paste it into my ThunderJournal: see this 1999 story from the New York Times:

In a move that could help increase home ownership rates among minorities and low-income consumers, the Fannie Mae Corporation is easing the credit requirements on loans that it will purchase from banks and other lenders.

The action, which will begin as a pilot program involving 24 banks in 15 markets -- including the New York metropolitan region -- will encourage those banks to extend home mortgages to individuals whose credit is generally not good enough to qualify for conventional loans. Fannie Mae officials say they hope to make it a nationwide program by next spring.

Fannie Mae, the nation's biggest underwriter of home mortgages, has been under increasing pressure from the Clinton Administration to expand mortgage loans among low and moderate income people and felt pressure from stock holders to maintain its phenomenal growth in profits

In addition, banks, thrift institutions and mortgage companies have been pressing Fannie Mae to help them make more loans to so-called subprime borrowers. These borrowers whose incomes, credit ratings and savings are not good enough to qualify for conventional loans, can only get loans from finance companies that charge much higher interest rates -- anywhere from three to four percentage points higher than conventional loans.

''Fannie Mae has expanded home ownership for millions of families in the 1990's by reducing down payment requirements,'' said Franklin D. Raines, Fannie Mae's chairman and chief executive officer. ''Yet there remain too many borrowers whose credit is just a notch below what our underwriting has required who have been relegated to paying significantly higher mortgage rates in the so-called subprime market.''

And here is where I insert the gratuitous link to Frankie "Da Flipper" Raines' political contributions.

With that out of the way, we move on to one of the most prophetic news grafs I have ever seen; especially remarkable given its in a newspaper which also syndicates Krugmann's krap:

In moving, even tentatively, into this new area of lending, Fannie Mae is taking on significantly more risk, which may not pose any difficulties during flush economic times. But the government-subsidized corporation may run into trouble in an economic downturn, prompting a government rescue similar to that of the savings and loan industry in the 1980's.

And we close with a quote from that super evil neocon country club elite organization reviled by liberals for its unenlightened view of the American economy, the American Enterprise Institute:

''From the perspective of many people, including me, this is another thrift industry growing up around us,'' said Peter Wallison a resident fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. ''If they fail, the government will have to step up and bail them out the way it stepped up and bailed out the thrift industry.''

Doomed to repeat it, et cetera et cetera.

[Tip o' the pitcher to Ryan, who in a single post has shown us that even a guy whose most significant online achievement to date was posting a picture of his ass can still be worth 20 leftybloggers.]

Monday, September 22, 2008

You MOB Mayoral Voters Guide

Nominations are now closed. It's time to meet the bloggers whom you will be gratuitously insulting over the next month.

BANIAIANANANIAN! (Incumbent) - SCSU Scholars

WHY HE WILL WIN: Having left me 3/4 of a bottle of Bushmills after the last PostMilF, the MOB Secretary of State for Life is seriously tempted to rig the election in his favor.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Even if he were to garner the majority of votes, the possibility that his victory was obtained through a rigged election will erode the confidence and support of his constituents. The mayor as corrupt ward boss zeitgeist will permeate the MOB at large leading to either open revolt or aggressive apathy toward the office. MOBsters will cease recognizing the authority of the Office of Mayor, choosing instead to leave the MOB for a more independent and agrarian lifestyle. The MOB will dissolve, rendering the need for a mayor a nullity. Kind of like the fall of the Roman Empire only funnier.

Also, "SCSU" is an anagram for "SUCS"


WHY SHE WILL WIN: Two words: slanderous photoshops.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: The MOB is not ready for a female mayor with such little experience. At least that's what all her greenhorn opponents will say.

JRoosh - Shot in the Dark

WHY HE WILL WIN: Has the weight of SITD's considerable traffic behind him. Can use his libertine editorial constraints there as a powerful get out the vote resource.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Tired of seeing JRoosh's posts pleading for SITD readers to vote for him 15 times a day, Mitch will kick JRoosh off the blog. Without a MOB blog, JRoosh will be constitutionally barred from holding the mayoral office.

Bobo the Talking Chimp - KAR

WHY HE WILL WIN: Because now, more than ever, the MOB is ready to break the species barrier and elect its first animated foul-mouthed animal.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: In his own words...

Teaparty - Terrible Babies

WHY HE WILL WIN: The entire electorate gets really really drunk to the point they lose control of their faculties and are physically unable to cast a vote; Teaparty remains sober enough to vote for himself.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: The reasons are too numerous to list on this briefly formatted voters guide.

Margaret Marteeeeeen - Our House

WHY SHE WILL WIN: According to his legions of detractors, Marteeeen's hubby David Strom controls everything.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: Haven't we already determined that Atomizer controls everything?

Teh Andee - Rezijewel Frocus

WHY HE WILL WIN: A former Mayor and long time party activist, Teh Andee has the experience and the well-oiled campaign machine to communicate his vision to the masses.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: No one has yet been able to decipher what exactly his message is.

Captain Ed Morrissey - CQ (defunct) / Hot Air

WHY HE WILL WIN: He merely has to wish for it to be so, and hit the "publish" button.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: He probably won't wish for it.

The Nightwriter (a/k/a John Stewart) - Nightwriter

WHY HE WILL WIN: He's a nice guy.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: The MOB hates nice guys.

Lady Logician - Ladies Logic

WHY SHE WILL WIN: She votes first, and immediately thereafter the earth crashes into the sun.

WHY SHE WILL LOSE: For purposes of political satire, the role of the "inexperienced" firebrand female candidate has already been filled by Iron Matron.

Kevin "Kevie" Ecker - EckerNet

WHY HE WILL WIN: He could shoot all the other candidates.

WHY HE WILL LOSE: Too drunk to aim straight.

All candidates are encouraged to participate in the debates, which could start as soon as tomorrow.

Sporting Woodson

The Cowboys.

The Packers.

No, that is not a redundancy serving as a plot synopsis for the Oscar-winning film Brokeback Mountain. It was to be an epic NFL tilt that instead turned out to be a flaccid disappointment. The Packers' interior offensive line repeatedly allowed the 'Boys front four to penetrate their backfield causing A-Rodg to assume a prostrate position on the turf. "Romo" rhymes with "homo".

This concludes my game anal ysis.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What The Hell Kind of Slide is That?!1!

The video quality is crap, but the slide design is even worse.

I'm sure you won't find that ride at Chuck E. Cheese.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Return of Fleen

Dedicated to midget Harley riders everywhere.

Moron Mail

Duct tape your head. This is a good one.

Exactly how stupid does Norm Coleman really think we are?

I'm sure I don't know. But, as you can tell from the title of this post, we do know exactly how stupid we think you are.

After watching his attack ads, it seems pretty clear. We all know Al Franken failed to pay taxes in 17 states and overpaid in Minnesota. Honest mistake if you ask me.

And one he'd get an easier pass on if the Tic party along with its operatives and surrogates wouldn't always jump up and down and bark like a gaggle of outraged hyenas over much milder infractions by Republicans. Y'know, like a $600 per month lease for an apartment Coleman shares with a call center, or being accused of having gone fishing once with some guy who was indicted for bribing someone else.

That sort of thing.

As for the check cards, all you need to look at is the people for and against the issue. Republicans and big business against. Unions and Democrats for.

And it is at this point I must ask:

Exactly how stupid does Roboner Hilboner of Bonersville really think we are?

Yes. I can see why unions (who collect dues) and Tics (who collect boku contributions from unions) would be for such a thing. Why would anyone (other than a union boss, employee, lobbyist or a Tic) think that's a good thing?

And the no secret ballot issue as being un-American is blown way out of proportion. Why do you need to vote if you already pledged your support by signing the check card?

Um... because the sig card may have been coerced?

Just spitballing there.

The vote just gives the company another opportunity to crush the union, which is the only reason they are opposed to it in the first place.

And you do realize that since it's the NLRB that conducts the secret balloting (and I hasten to add here, that a private election must be called for by the employer - the employer may choose to forgo the election and recognize the designated bargaining rep once the requisite number of cards are signed) the employer is also not in a position to intimidate workers into doing something they don't want to do? In other words, they're on the same footing with Bruno, Vinnie and others with surnames like "Hoffa".




Finally. He's in like Flynn.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

11,000 Volts of FAIL

This Darwinian winner literally took a zap out of crime.

A man was killed trying to steal a copper cable which was carrying 11,000 volts, an inquest heard today.

Kirk John Thompson was electrocuted at the derelict Panteg steelworks, in Pontypool, South Wales, when his bolt croppers pierced the plastic coating of a cable still connected to the National Grid.

As Wallace said to his dog, "Cracking toast, Gromit!"

Don't Listen to Biden

The real way to be patriotic, is to buy a KAR Thong.

And if you want to be really REALLY patriotic, after you buy the KAR Thong, take pictures of yourself wearing it and e-mail them to: koolaidreport (at) yahoo (daht) com.

I'm confused

Democrat KAR readers (read: Flash), please clarify something for me. Isn't forcing people to show patriotism... totalitarian and evil?

Future Past Back to the Present

DOW Closing 9/17/2008 -- 10,610

DOW Closing the date the first Democrat-dominated Congress in a decade convened:

1/3/2006--> 12,474

Total drop:

1864 points

Just sayin'.

Oh, and there's this:

Total contributions from Lehman Brothers to Barack Obama ==> $395,574

Total contributions from Lehman Brothers to John McCain ==> $145,100


Just sayin'.

Total combined contributions from Fannie Mae / Freddie Mac to Barack Obama ==> $112,000

Total combined contributions from Fannie Mae / Freddie Mac to John McCain ==> $16,400


Just sayin'.

What are you "just sayin'" Foot?

I'm just saying that the Kool Aid Flash has been sucking the past year or so, appears to have caused some severe brain damage.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

How to Be a Left-Wing Assnozzle Hatchetfuck in 3 Easy Steps

1) Hack into Sarah Palin's personal email account; post the password on the web

2) Post her contacts list, screenshots of her emails and personal photos on the web

3) When she deletes the account, accuse her of "destroying evidence"


Get Off My Lawn

My esteemed ThunderJournaling colleague Ryan poses a question that I've been ruminating on lately:

Are people really, REALLY influenced by election lawn signs?

The short answer is "no".

The long answer is yes, but only those with the intellect of a weevil and the individualistic instincts of a sheep. A "sheevil" if you will.

There are two flavors of lawn sign, and each, I think, is intended to have a different effect on the beholder. The first type is comprised of the signs touting candidates for the hyper-local, low level offices like state legislature, county boards, city officers, etc. Since these campaigns have few funds with which to advertise, and many of the contests do not carry party designations on the ballot, the hope is to get the voter to remember the name of the candidate in association with a pleasant color or design. So when the voter gets into the booth and is done making off all the important races, the hope is that he or she, impatient to get the hell out of Wellstone Middle School's gym still reeking from that day's lunch menu of imitation fish sticks and raspberry Jell-o, will notice a name he or she recognizes and hastily fill in those ovals.

Let's face it: when was the last time you researched the nuances of the Soil and Water District Commissioner candidates' positions? Or for that matter, which soil and water district you're in?

The second flavor of lawn sign is, of course, those bearing the names of the statewide or national candidates: President, US Senate and House and governor. Now these campaigns of of such widespread import, that the candidates are routinely mentioned on the news, and the campaigns have budgets sizable enough to allow for more mass media advertising. By election day the candidates' names, party affiliations and attributes are fairly common knowledge. Therefore, those who display these signs fall into 2 categories.

The first, are those who think that if there are far more signs of one candidate than the other, the sheevil-like voters out there will assume that everyone else is voting for that candidate, succumb to some sort of perceived peer pressure and vote accordingly. This explains why many left-wing douchebags have been caught stealing Republican signage or literature, and replacing them with their own. They actually believe, that more signage equals more votes, trying to corner the most easily influenced bloc of voters: the lazy, the apathetic and the stupid. I think they are wasting their energy since those people have always been a key Democrat constituency.

The second type are the strident narcissists. These people plant signs in their yards not to advertise their preferred candidate, but rather to make a statement. And that statement is this: "Even though you could care less about my political opinion and would never in a million years ask for it, here it is anyway because IT'S JUST THAT IMPORTANT for me to tell it to you."

(I suppose you could sy the same thing about this ThunderJournal. But that's a completely different situation. It just is. Beacause I said so. Stop looking at me like that.)

I can't figure out which is more annoying. Let's call it a tie. And that is why there is only one lawn sign that has ever graced by impeccably manicured lawn. And that will not likely change, unless someone creates a lawn sign that looks like an Obama sign at first glance, but instead of "Obama" it actually says "Orgasm".

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Audacity of NALBS

I'll be in Vegas during the first weekend in October. One of the great things about Vegas is that you can bet on sports there, unlike certain other unenlightened states that gave us Fritz Mondale.

If you have followed KAR for any amount of time, you are already aware of the most genius NFL betting system ever devised by a C-level blogger: The Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System or NALBS, for short. The system is so simple, even an economically illiterate lefty blogger can use it(*). To summarize, The System works thus:

1) Ascertain the Nihilist in Golf Pants' ATS prediction of any given NFL football contest; and

2) Bet the opposite.

Historically, the NALBS has hit over 80% of the time; a success rate that makes the late Jimmy the Greek look like a leftyblogger commenting on the Dow Jones Industrial Average.

Since I will be at a Vegas sports book while the NFL's week 5 games are being played, I thought this might be an excellent opportunity to put my money where NALBS' mouth is. Therefore I propose the following Actual Thing That I Will Do:

If the Nihilist provides me his ATS picks for the Sunday October 5th NFL games (not the Monday night game as I fly out of Vegas Monday afternoon), I will use those pics to make one or more wagers at the book. The bets will probably be parlays, given the NALBS' high success rate and my desire to use as many of his picks as reasonably possible. Some parlay cards will payoff at lower odds in return for allowing you to lose one play on five or six-way parlays, and given the 80% success rate, this may be the way to go.

For the Nihilist's benefit, here is the schedule for week 5, so he can start thinking about the games (but not too hard!). No useful lines are available yet. Spreads upon which Nihilist makes his picks must be reasonably close to those available at the time I make the bets. Void in Delaware.

Should The System pay off big, I will buy the Nihilist a beer. NO! I'll buy him two beers!

I anxiously await word from the golden goose. The Great NALBS Vegas Challenge has begun.

* Not a guarantee.


If I've learned 2 things in the past 24 hours, it is this:

1) Local lefty bloggers are about as well versed in basic economics and the operation of securities markets as I am in the field of particle physics, and therefore should be aggressively ignored. If blogging were Site Meter, then most local lefty bloggers would be the recent Site Meter "upgrade".

2) Lesson number 1 cannot be repeated frequently or loudly enough.

That's why it's so profoundly disturbing that the one man who can lead the MOB through these difficult economic times (well, only difficult if you own 2 or three bad stocks, or you sold off your holdings yesterday and put the meager proceeds into a money market fund earning 1.3%, but I digress) has not yet thrown his hat into the ring.

Yes, the incumbent mayor, King Banananamaniaiaiai has not signaled his intentions for this upcoming election. MOB election history has not been kind to the incumbent (Doug went nuts, Andy became incoherent - possibly from a stroke), which is why it is imperative that King run for a second term to make this election as entertaining as it possibly can be.

This is the second-last call for nominations. Please use this thread for those, and for sliming the other candidates. So far, the following victims have been nominated for the office o' Mayor:

Iron Matron

The Guy at shot in the Dark Who Isn't Mitch (a/k/a JRoosh)

Teaparty (a name which I believe is of French origin and translates into "Das Ubergeigh" in German)

Bobo the Foul-Mouthed Chimp

Margaret Marteeeeeeen

The Nightwriter

Captain Ed

Lady Logician

Kevin "Kevie" Ecker

Monday, September 15, 2008

In the Name of God My Father, I Fly

Bruce Dickinson:

Metal god.

Master fencer.

Soccer fanatic.

Bane of Sharon Osbourne.

Hero to the stranded traveler:

Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson stepped in to fly XL passengers stranded abroad back to the UK.

The heavy metal singer, who is a qualified Boeing 757 pilot, captained a specially-chartered Monarch Airlines flight from Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt, on Saturday morning and also flew around 200 passengers home from the Greek island of Kos that night, a spokesman for Astraeus, the airline he works for, said.

The Greek island of Kos must be a horrible place, filled with creepy rage-addled communists constantly repeating the latest demented conspiracy theories while muttering profanities and "Halliburton" a lot. Those 200 stranded passengers owe their lives -nay! - their very sanity to Bruce.

(Tip o' the pitcher to Alert Reader Jim.)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Dear Site Meter

Holy shit, your new "upgrade" sucks.

Wow is it bad.

New Coke bad.

Phantom Menace bad.

Joe Bodell bad.

Change it back now, or I'm gone; and I have a feeling I won't be the only one.

UPDATE: Behold the power of KAR!

FAIL-Weekend Edition

Where to begin?

Dave Looney-Thunes shows he can type swear words with the best of 'em. Nihilist offers to decode KSTP's expletive encryptions of Thune's fornicate and missile dick reference. I chalked up a FAIL for not getting the Guerrier & Crain line and having to Google it.

Speaking of lowercase "p"s, this guy probably got his tasered in Florida.

At MinnDepends, Paul S crowed that a big truck blockade was to coming to the RNC September 2. I heard from a reliable source that one truck showed up and parked with maybe one car behind it. So that explains why there are no follow-up stories of it in our MN Soros-media network.

Speaking of truck fails:

Finally, my FAIL "pic" of the week:

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Since We Seem to Be on a Defamation Law Holiday...

...I'd just like to say that I know Randi Rhodes' type. She's the sort of woman who fucks dwarf goats in her kitchen / meth lab. The type of woman who gives birth to a child that is at once her son, uncle and third cousin.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Oh that cheeky old Molly's being all cheeky again:

The irreverent internet meme that first appeared as LOL Cats then morphed into LOL Bush and LOL McCain has made its way across the irony bridge to LOL RNC Riot Police. A blogger at PunditKitchen.com has uploaded photos of RNC police, including one of our own (pictured above), into the LOL generator to create a new RNC-themed meme, LOL Riot Police.

Want your very own LOL RNC Riot Police to have and to hold? Check out our Flickr photostream of images or our featured picture gallery, “A week on the street in pictures,” pick out your favorite RNC police pics, upload them to the LOL Builder, then post your LOL RNC Riot Cops in the comments section here. We’ll post our favorites, including some of our own, later.

LOLZ. You got it toots:

Y'all know what to do...

Well, Obviously, That Doesn't Count

Our old pal Joe's clutching his pearls again:

TV ads for Erik Paulsen, produced by the National Republican Campaign Committee, are airing today despite the fact that Paulsen's opponent, Ashwin Madia, and several other major campaigns went dark today.

Clearly it's not too difficult to tell the networks and the cable channels you don't want your ads to show up on a given day. One would think that political content, even positive campaign spots, shouldn't be getting airtime on 9/11, especially from a party that has exploited the date to such effective ends over the past seven years

[Emphasis mine.]

No mention of the roughly 15 to 20 Al Franken TV ads I saw yesterday in my only intermittent and casual viewing of the tube. But then if he had mentioned them, even someone as partisanly deranged as Joe wouldn't have been able to pen the last line of that post (on a tangentially related topic) without himself cringing:

Classic political posturing -- accuse the opposition of the wrongdoing which you and your allies are committing.

No shit?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I, for One, Welcome Our New Inebriated Overlord

I'd like to remind him that as a trusted local ThunderJournalist, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground vermouth mines.

In as close to a foregone conclusion I have seen since Monday night's Packers / Viking tilt, you all have overwhelmingly sniffed out Atomizer as the Shadow Power behind the RNC security force's tactics. He is obviously the most believable police puppetmaster; so much more so than the Sheriff, the Chief of Police or the policemen themselves. Mr. Bonerony has been notified of our discovery. You can expect retribution from Atomizer soon, probably in the form of a slurred profanity.

Which brings us to another thing that Atomizer is probably going to control from afar with his vast and intricate power machinery:


Yes, it's that time again. As Mayor Baniaiaiaiaiaiannaiain aain's term winds down without nearly enough ridicule from his constituents, we again must do our civic duty as MOBsters (other than keeping breweries in business) and choose our next figurehead. And the first step in the process is the Offering o' the Nominations.


Who is eligible to run for Mayor?

Anyone listed on the Minnesota Organization of Blogs Official Blogroll™ who has not previously pissed off the MOB's Secretary of State for Life (me).

How does the nomination process work?

You can nominate any eligible candidate in the comment thread to this post, and this post only. The candidates must be explicitly named in the thread. Do not assume your nominee will make the ballot just because you mentioned something to me or anyone else, wrote something on your crappy little blog about it, or are in fact the current mayor.

Can I nominate myself?

Yes you can, you narcissistic shit.

What else should I know?

As in previous years, there will be a primary vote followed by a runoff vote between the top two vote-getters in the primary (or more, in the rare case there's a more than two-way tie). The vote will be conducted via the usual method atop the KAR sidebar. All decisions made by the SOSFL are final. Void in Connecticut.

What are the benefits of being Mayor?

  • You are referred to by everybody else as "Da Mayor".
  • You get to display this nifty little graphic on your blog.
  • You get to refer to your predecessors as the "functional equivalents of the Carter Administration."
  • You get to take shit from deeply diseased leftybloggers who - among the warehouse-filling number of clues they don't possess - have still not figured out that this is one of the longest running jokes on the internet. Expect to be labeled a racist at least once by one of these assnozzles, even if you haven't publicly written about anything more weighty than the set list from the next Guitar Hero game in the past year.
  • Chicks. Oh, man, the chicks.

Gee, that sounds wonderful! Where do I sign up?

Stop submitting FAQs, Chad.

My God you're sexy! Do you know how sexy you are?

Stop submitting FAQs, Chad's wife.

On with it!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Poop Fail

A majestic FAIL caught on video, with a lesson learned: Do not poop on a donkey's territory, or expose your dirty mushroom (which may excite said animal).

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Moron Mail

[X-files theme] Doo dee doo dee dooooo [/X-files]

Wh- what the hell was that?

I demonstrated in the Labor Day march and again on Thursday at Rice Park inside a cylindrical fence that I called a Free Speech Pen. This ironic commentary on the diminishment of our First Amendment rights during the Bush/Cheney years met with amused recognition by the majority of passersby and fellow marchers. However, there is nothing at all funny about the way this drift away from a free and open society was manifested during Republican National Convention week.

[X-files theme] Doo dee doo dee dooooo [/X-files]

Would whoever is playing that damn tune please knock it the hell off???!!!

The intimidation tactics and the garrison state fortifications around the Xcel center were dismaying enough in themselves. But the flagrantly illegal police actions in raiding south Minneapolis homes of protest organizers without warrants and the arrest of Democracy Now's Amy Goodman at the convention go way beyond any reasonable need to prevent violent demonstrations.

[X-files theme] Doo dee doo dee dooooo...doo pa dee doo doopadeedoo [/X-files]

OK, I'm starting to get creeped out now.

I have no doubt that these repressive decisions were choreographed by higher authorities, but I nonetheless feel betrayed by our local law enforcement agencies.


[X-files theme] Doo dee doo dee dooooo...Doo dee doo dee dooooo...doo pa dee doo doopadeedoo [/X-files]

I want to believe!

And you can help me. Please take the new poll atop the sidebar, so that we can get to the bottom of this nefarious scheme and shenanigans.

We're through the looking glass here people!

Distant Early Warning

Several commenters (okay - two) noted that the Favre Status Alert Level should have been changed to red.

And so it has.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Your First Damn Loss

Suck it Pat Williams.

Suck it.

Suck it long.

Suck it hard.

P.S. Jared Allen:

  • $31 million guaranteed
  • 1 tackle
  • 0 sacks

CORRECTION: We have discovered that this post contains incomplete and incorrect information. Jared Allen's stats should have read:

Seis Nueve regrets the errors.

A Very Special Bipartisan Obnoxious Packers Guy Post

Tonight the Packers and Vikings renew their semi-rivalry for the 95th time on Monday Night Football. Sonnies and Mudpuppies alike will be glued to their televisions. Once again we can rest assured that Packer Nation will be analyzing every arm motion Aaron Rodgers makes, while the typical Lutefisk Loser will be using the word "suck" in every other sentence while trying to steady the spinning room caused by their second Busch Light Draft (or, in the males' case, first wine spritzer).

But I write today not to divide, but to bring attention to a development that unites us all. Something that can bring cheer to the most passionate Packer fan and the most diseased Viking fan alike.

Since MNF moved to cable, ESPN is contractually obligated to provide their game broadcasts to local television networks in the concerned markets so that those who do not have cable may see the game. Tonight's local feed will be carried on channel 5, the local ABC affiliate.

This means that here in Minnesota (and presumably in Wisconsin as well, since ESPN and ABC are owned by the same company) regular ABC broadcasting will be preempted to carry the game. Tonight's regularly scheduled ABC program which will be preempted is:

The CMA Music Festival: Country's Night to Rock

I for one welcome the unity brought by our shared relief that we will all be spared from exposure to this craptacular television event.

P.S. I have also legally changed my name to "Obnoxious Packer Seis Nueve". Please update your address books.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Weekend FAIL Edition

Chief shows what comes out when stupid taxes go in.

MinnDepends chronicle the "protest to nowhere," and one idiot anarchist's failed attempt to avoid pepper spray.

“I saw him coming so I hit the ground because I didn’t want to get hit—I fetal-ed,” he repeated. “They stretched me out and turned me so I was on my back and another guy pulled my goggles off and he sprayed me. My goggles were already tilted a little bit”—he pointed to a space between his eye and his left ear—“and the guy ripped them off the rest of the way and sprayed me. Aaargh!” he yelled, in pain and frustration, and flipped back on his side. Fetal-ed.

No, dude — that's FAIL-ed. Be sure to read the comments after the article for more pwnage.

And, lastly - another DUmbass fail: An incoherent post is followed by a plea to give readers a clue as to its content and point.

Friday, September 05, 2008


Ryan's getting uppity.

Good thing he's a (pasty, pasty) white guy. Otherwise, I'd have to use some adjective other than "uppity" to describe what he is. Uppity.

Friday Bacon Post

As KAR's community organizer, it is my burdensome duty to inform you that there will be no Friday Bacon Post today. Instead, please enjoy this encore presentation of Sarah Palin's acceptance speech Moonchild Goes Yard.

If you're a Twins fan this will be the biggest hit you've seen all week.

The New Meaning of Words

vi-cious (vi-shus) adj.

1. having the nature or quality of possessing a conservative opinion; esp. of one who has the temerity to verbally express it.

2. describing a conservative who has the gall to turn a smear back on her attacker.

ex. Her vicious assertion that being a mayor was better experience than being a "community organizer" made Glenn Greenwald break down into a snit of apoplectic irrational rage.

See also: divisive, hateful, mean-spirited, sarcastic, unfair

Thursday, September 04, 2008

All You Need Is a Strong Heart and Nerves of Steel

To sum up today in the life of the blog-o-sphere:

RIGHTY BLOGGERS: Sarah Palin is the greatest VP candidate ever.

LEFTY BLOGGERS: Sarah Palin has become death, the destroyer of worlds; the Antichrist; a far far right wing extremist who hates you and everything you stand for and will plunge this country into a thousand years of darkness. And her vicious and mean spirited speech last night is proof that she is PMSing. Trust me. I'm a feminist.


LEARNEDFOOT: Who gives a shit? Let's talk Vegas, baby!

Since table games other than blackjack aren't available in Minnesota in much the same way executive experience is not available in the Senate, I've been doing a copious amount of research on gaming. If I'm going to take a $750 bankroll to Sin City come October, I'm not just going to give it away by making stupid bets or mistakes based on ignorance of the game. I've been reading tutorials and tips about playing the most popular table games. If I'm going to let my odds work on the come out roll, or bet with the bank, its only going to be because I determine that the house edge is low enough vis a vis the payout.

Speaking of which, I came across a very interesting table. If you're a slot jockey, you may want to rethink your habit:

(From here.)

Craps is statistically the "safest" game to play (are you listening, Minnesota gaming regulators???!!!!) while slots are for dumb people. Of course, slots are easier, since all you have to do is sit there, put in your token and push a button, whereas you tend to hold on to money much longer playing craps or blackjack, since the player faces a lower house edge and often can have some impact on the outcome of the game. And while you are always more likely to lose than to win (the casinos do need to stay in business, after all), you are always better off choosing a game over which the individual has some control, rather than hoping that your bankroll outlasts the statistical inevitabilies of a preprogrammed device.

Something to think about.

(Even if you're not into gaming.)

(If you know what I mean.)

How McCain Picked Palin

Tip o' the KAR pitcher to Kevin.

No Reaction Whatsoever

This is sweet: a DUmbass freely offers up their own FAIL.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

At Least He's a Golf Fan

I'll see your two daddies Iron Matron, and raise you a purportedly drunken Joe Biden singing every golf fan's favorite jingle:


Who's Your Daddy?

Terry Moran announced that Barack has two baby daddies:

No matter what your politics, that was a moment for the FAIL books, Ter.

Reckless Disregard for Your Intelligence

My fellow Menomonee Fallsian Steve Gigl, once again makes me wish he'd write for KAR:

They rolled out every single possible anti-feminist argument against Palin—always in the “some people may say” kind of way, but of course they were the only ones saying it—that I thought we as a society were well past. (I know that everyone I’ve ever known or talked in every generation past my grandparents’ has gone beyond those stereotypes.) And in a way that they mostly didn’t do with Hillary, and didn’t do at all with Obama because of their sensitivity to racial stereotypes.

What do I mean? Oh, let me count the ways:

1. Suggesting that she somehow caused her son’s Down’s by being active during her pregnancy. [Morons.]

2. Suggesting that she was risking the health of her baby by traveling in her 8th month. [In which case, so did MLW. It’s not necessarily recommended, but neither is it forbidden.]

3. Calling her morals into question because her daughter got pregnant. Because a good person’s teenager could never do anything wrong.

4. Calling her ethics into question by using the word “Troopergate” with and describing it as being over the firing of a government official without any further context whatsoever.

5. Saying that she’s an unknown, when she was brought up as an outside-chance pick (usually in the same breath as Bobby Jindal, who probably would have been treated even more shabbily by the press had he been the pick).

6. Pushing the idea that she’s totally inexperienced (even less experienced than Obama), possibly as an attempt to shore up Obama’s sad lack of meaningful experience. Can you imagine them claiming that a male governor—let’s use Bobby Jindal as an example—doesn’t have any experience useful for the office of Vice President.

I would add:

7. Her husband has a Goatee, therefore he must be evil.

Watch for that one to make the rounds on the more-deranged-than-usual (it is an election year, after all) vicious twit-o-sphere.

(On second thought, the goatee claim's not ridiculous enough to play on Centrisity.)

And have you noticed the somewhat odd, slightly off accusations against Palin? First some drooling Kosling claims that Palin was covering her seventeen year old daughter's pregnancy by claiming that the child was hers. Then, a couple days later, we find out that the same 17 year old daughter is presently pregnant. Following that, there was the accusation that she was a member of some Alaskan secessionist party. Later the real story emerges (after the campaign released records dating back to 1982 showing that Palin was never registered with any party other than the Republican Party) that it is her evil goateed husband that was actually a member of that party, not her.

Kind of weird, don't you think? These almost-but-not-quite accurate stories appear to be an emerging pattern. First, someone trots out an unsubstantiated, but derogatory rumor. Then, the left wing echo chamber repeats it ad nauseum so it takes on a veneer of truth. And then when the actual, less (if at all) deleterious story emerges, they hope that everybody remembers the original, damaging narrative. The left wing drones can of course be counted upon to continue repeating the old, discredited story, as they have done so well over the past several years. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that these stories were orchestrated.

Who would do such a thing?

I mean, if you listen to them, they keep talking down her experience by constantly harping on about her stint as mayor of Wassillia (or whatever), as if those last 2 years in the governor's office had never happened. You know why?

Because those two years as governor give her two years more executive branch experience than Obama and Biden combined.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Code Pink Is the Pits


Alert Reader Coach Bob points us to conclusive proof of the existence of Gay Sasquatch, here in the Twin Cities:

The Stifling of Assent

Our pal, Teh Andee has been completely HOSEBAGGED:

I feel completely hosebagged.


It turns out I wasn’t credentialed to cover the RNC convention. I am allowed in the seciurity (sic) perimeter and can go wonder (sic) around the media areas, but it is pretty much like going way the heck out of your way to watch closed circuit TV or to hang out at a Kinkos to see where copies come from.

Virtually credentialed. Yep, that’s me.

"Virtually credentialed." This would have been the perfect kind of credential for the totally awesome virtual "journalists" at the Minnesoros "Independent". Then they wouldn't have had the standing to whine and kvetch about not getting credentialed to cover an event comprised of those they are paid to attack.

In other words, we at the RNC didn’t want to say no altogether, or admit that we have never heard of your blog, nor do we think anyone else has, I mean, heck we really only wanted to let the big boys in, like Ed, Powerline, and those guys, but we just couldn’t be honest and tell you we don’t give a crap about what you would say if we dared to let you in the XCEL. I said they’d never let me in the convention as a blogger, and I guess I was right, but they didn’t bother to have the guts to say no.

Why do Republicans hate...er, Republicans?

So this week seems to be turning into a week of having absolutely nothing to do with covering the RNC convention. Heck, I can’t get in there to see what is happening or how the crowd is reacting to everything. Oh wait, I can go live blog the reporters filing their stories at the press room. Oh joy. And good thing I bought some new camera equipment just for this. I figured I’d be up in the rafters so I got a telephoto lens for my camera, whoops did I waste money I guess.

This is the really bad news for you, KARNation, for Teh Andee was to be KAR's own Man Inside. We emotionally bankrolled his purchase of the video equipment ("go ahead and buy it, you can afford it"), because we tasked him with a super-secret mission that would have likely given KAR a blockbuster world exclusive. As what we thought was a credentialed blogger, Teh Andee would have been able to get close enough to Gov. Palin to determine if she was wearing a thong.

Now, we will virtually never know for sure. We all have been hosebagged.

Slow Joe Census Data

Just sayin' . . . Cities with larger populations then the State of Delaware

New York, N.Y. 8,143,197
Los Angeles, Calif. 3,844,829
Chicago, Ill. 2,842,518
Houston, Tex. 2,016,582
Philadelphia, Pa. 1,463,281
Phoenix, Ariz. 1,461,575
San Antonio, Tex. 1,256,509
San Diego, Calif. 1,255,540
Dallas, Tex. 1,213,825
San Jose, Calif. 912,332
Detroit, Mich. 886,671
Delaware 853, 476 (est.)

FYI - Milwaukee - 602,191

UPDATE: It occurs to me that this list is irrelevant, since Joe Biden is merely a U.S. Senator and never actually ran the state of Delaware. Sorry. My bad.

The headline that should have been

Nick Coleman: "A few little turds in the punchbowl don't ruin it, right?"

I Sure Hope His Civil Liberties Weren't Trampled

Tip o' teh picher to Teh Andee.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Pepper Spray Turns Into PeePee Spray

Swiftee is doing a stellar job taunting protesters (and the sacked lefty Strib writers at MinnPost) today. In this video at the Strib, we see a sampling of young adults displaying exceptional manners who are soon met with pwnage by police. One boy gets a faceful of pepper spray, followed by a pantsful of pee. In honor of Swiftee, we created a new headline for the video.