Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Klassic KAR and a Programming Note

Blogging will be light this week. We are knee-deep in Kwanzaa right now so nobody's reading anyway.  We'll Rate the First Debate and resume the MOB Mayoral Campaign next week.

And yes, I am aware of the pissing match currently taking place on the Strib's letters page revolving around the depiction of wildlife in the comic strip Mark Trail. I'll save my outrage for when some moonbat goes after Pearls Before Swine.  Or LuAnn

If you are one of the four KAR readers still engaged this week and slavering for content, check out this classic post from 2006.  It's KAR's first (and only) book review, that holds up over time surprisingly well.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The 2011 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 1

RULES: Candidates may answer the following question in the comments to this post, or on their own blogs with a link back to in the comments to this post.  I know the typical KAR reader doesn't fully apprehend the concepts of "leaving a comment" or even general engagement, but I have faith that they will somehow figure it out.  Except for Ben.  He's a little slow.

Candidates, please watch the following video:

Question: What would you do to these twerps?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Moron Mail: Special Lifetime Achievement Edition

A couple weeks ago, we featured a particularly stupid letter to the Strib from a particularly dim person.  This outrage addled bitty thought that describing a serial bank robber by the color of the clothing he typically wears while plying his trade was somehow racist (since the color of this clothing was black).  This led to a brief editorial crisis as - because we like to think we are not racists here at KAR - all manner of idiom or description might offend this whack job's tender sensibilities.  For example, we would no longer be able to describe certain mate-slaughtering spiders, moonless nights, name certain local political reporters, discuss certain Chicago hockey teams, recall ancient World Series baseball point-shaving scandals or wax poetic about the purported appearance of George Soros' soul.

But then we realized that was just stupid. So we gave the letter a good fisking and dispatched the results into the internet ether.  That was that, or so we thought.

Alert reader and Bob Mould lookalike Kevin, points out that this was not the first time the crack KAR editorial staff has encountered this person.

A little over 6 years ago beloved former KARnie Dementee fished this stinky eelpout of a letter out of the peat bog of the Pioneer Press letters page, written by the aforementioned outrage-addled bitty:

I recently tried to co-sign a loan with my daughter for a used car she was buying. I'm a stay-at-home mom and have five joint accounts at this bank. I have done business with the bank for over a decade.
 We were denied the loan, because I don't have an earned income. My husband had to be called in to co-sign the loan.

With all the talk about family values from the far right, who control the economy, banks and legislation, I find it interesting that they do not appreciate the value of stay-at-home mothers and make it impossible for us to access our own money. I thought we dealt with this in the '60s.


Let fierce intellect of that baby just wash over you for a minute.



Anyway, Dementee gave thing an average fisking (I'd give it a 2.5 out of 4 nightsticks).  The interesting thing is that he ostensibly concludes his rant with the following line:
You can’t, Susan, because it ain’t there you stupid, stupid woman.
Compare to my recent fisking of her "Man in Black" letter:
One of the promises I made to myself when I brought KAR back is to avoid gratuitous name-calling unless it had some higher humor-related purpose (and I believe that, in context, that pullquote qualifies).  But I think it's illuminating that two letters to the editor from the same woman, written 6 years apart, would elicit the rare use of the "Double Stupid" from two different bloggers who have never met each other over a gulf of 6 years.
Many scientists or mathematicians would call this conclusive proof of the proposition asserted.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Meet the Candidates

The nomination process for the MOB Mayoral Race is now...






The MOB Mayor is a rich tradition amongst sparsely- to moderately-read Minnesota blogs.  The title of Mayor is a prestigious one. Previous MOB Mayors have gone on to big things like public elected office (Baniaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiian) and oblivion (Johnny Roosh).

Let's take a look at the dregs suckers objects of our ridicule victims candidates.

CANDIDATE # 1: Bobo the Talking Chimp (KAR)

(Nominated by LearnedFoot) Bobo is a regular candidate who has come close to achieving the office in the past.  His lack of success is probably due to a speciesist electorate. Is the MOB ready for a Simian-American Mayor?

CANDIDATE #2: Mr. D (Mr. Dilettante's Neighborhood)

(SOSFL Ruling) Mr. D tried to nominate his sixteen year-old daughter in an effort to avoid the meat grinder that is the MOB Mayoral Campaign and presumably set up a puppet government.  The MOB Secretary of State will not stand for such shenanigans.  Also, 16 year old girls should not be exposed to KAR.  Therefore, Mr. D gets the nomination; and a big fat target on his back.
CANDIDATE #3: John "Master of Sausages" Stewart (Nightwriter)
(Nominated by Leo Pusatositusaterri) This is Mr. Stewart's first nomination.  He has served as the PostMilF Master of Sausages for the past several years and is also the defending Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Classic champion.  Therefore he will be a force to be reckoned with among below-average golfers if he benefits from a generous handicap system.
CANDIDATE #4: Ben (Independent / no blog provided)
(Self-nominated) Ben is definitely a candidate.
CANDIDATE #5: Kevin "Kevie" Ecker (EckerNet)
(Self-nominated) Ecker is a perennial candidate who has lost every single election or award he has ever been nominated for.  On the other hand, the MOB Secretary of State for Life is very close to endorsing Mr. Ecker due to his uncanny resemblence to a Husker Du era Bob Mould: 

Mould (right)


CANDIDATE #6: redsquirrel (Red Squirrel Report)

(Self-nominated) I have absolutely no idea who this guy is.


The following nominees were disqualified from participating in the election for the stated reasons:

* Mr. D's Children (Impressionable minors / obvious attempt to set up a puppet regime)

* Dog Gone (Not a MOBster / annoying comment troll on someone else's blog / contributor to a doucheblog / insufferable scold / nominated by a fictional parody)

* Karl Bremmer (Not a MOBster / contributor to a doucheblog / possibly suffers from several psychological disorders)

* Some Guy's Prolapsed Rectum (Not a MOBster / gross body part)

* Bogus Doug (Term-limited.  Although there may be a loophole here...(looking at attorneys) Our lawyers are telling us no. Maybe.)


I appologize for the quality of the field.  Debates begin tomorrow or, more probably, Thursday.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Why Facebook Sucks (But Not as Badly as Twitter)

EDITOR'S NOTE. This is part 2 of the ongoing KAR series, "Social Media and You: How to Alienate Everybody in Your Online Social Networks."  Part 1, Twitter, is here.

Yeah, yeah, privacy issues, never-ending Farmville requests and the never-popular Weekly User Interface Tweak That's Always Worse Than the Last One. Yawn. Those are annoying to be sure, but just like Twitter, Facebook's most annoying features come not from the platform itself, but from the people who use it.  Let's begin.


Susan Flugelhorn I really wish that things would go my way once in a while.

And, of course, a caring friend will come along and ask what's wrong; to which there are inevitably one of two replies.  Either:

Susan Flugelhorn I'll private message you.


Susan Flugelhorn Oh never mind.

Well, thanks for wasting everybody's time because you haven't received your attention quota today.


There's an old bit of wisdom that Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo passed on to me once: Never talk religion or politics with family or certain friends; especially in public.  That makes sense considering those two topics can evoke the most emotion and could possibly lead to an ugly situation.

Now, Facebook is the place to go to communicate with friends and family and maybe reconnect old, long-forgotten acquaintances (THEY WILL FIND YOU).  So pictures of the kids, pithy bon mots, personal news and maybe the occasional brag about the latest accomplishment or vacation are certainly not out of line.  After all, that's pretty much the point of Facebook.

But, oh yeah - the family politics thing.  When I see something like this:

 it makes me want to choke the shit out of you.  But you're family / close friend, and therefore I'm required to love you, and I sure as hell shouldn't have to be forced to consider unfriending you.  Take that crap to Twitter where you can write it under an assumed name so I won't know that it's you.


The following status update once graced my timeline (extensively paraphrased, because this person has since unfriended me due to a wisecrack I made about this very same status; trust me, if anything, I am not doing the original justice):


From what I could tell at the time, this was a completely spontaneous explosion of self-righteous outrage, unprovoked by anyone ever complaining about what this person posted on her wall.  In a comment to this post, underneath 7 or 8 "YOU GO GIRL"'s, I wrote:

Personally, I'd prefer it if you just shared your booze.

...which led to this strong, opinionated, confident, independent woman who doesn't care what anyone thinks to unfriend me.

Oh darn.


Yeah, you know this one:

Post this as your status if you know someone who has survived cancer, or has died from cancer, or is afraid of getting cancer.  Let's see if we can have everybody have this status for one hour so that people who have / have died from / are afraid of cancer know that we support them! I know that 7% of my friends won't post this, so let's hear it for the AWESOME 93% that will!

I do know someone who has survived cancer.  She doesn't give a shit that you posted this as your status. Stop it.


This is a relatively new Facebook thing that seriously has me considering changing careers to the professional homicidal misanthrope field:

Yes, this actually exists.
What a great quote! If only there were some way of making these words on Facebook with a keyboard!

Fine, you saw a hackneyed quote.  Why not just copy it as a status?  Is there something about making it an image with or without a schmaltzy picture that somehow makes it more impactful or less nausea-inducing?  Every time I see them, I think this:

I don't know why, but the more I see these things the more I want to punch a kitten. But since that would probably send me down an unveering path toward homicidal misanthropy (and ultimately prison), I just decided to make my own:

Click to embiggenate.

Post as your status if you agree!

Last Call

This is the last day to submit your MOB Mayoral nominations.  We'll start the ugliness of the campaign this week.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Previews of Coming Attractions

Last month, I uncorked an instant classic rant about why Twitter sucks. You Twitter lovers / Facebook haters (the "Team Edward" of social media) will be glad to know it's Facebook's turn next. Or, rather, like twitter, certain Facebook users who ruin it for the rest of us non-needy non-attention whores.

Unions Exist to Protect, Assault, the Little Guy

Anybody who has seen coverage of the Wisconsin public unions' extended hissy fits relating to Wisconsin's collective bargaining reform (and subsequent gubernatorial recall effort) need no further evidence that this crowd is comprised of mouth-breathing zealots who will stop at nothing to fight for their rights to not have to contribute to their own health care plans.

But here's some anyway:

Kenosha teacher featured in an ad for Gov. Scott Walker said Monday that she's not sure if she'd do it again.

In her first interview with WISN 12 News, Kristi LaCroix, a teacher at Lakeview Technology Academy in the Kenosha School District, revealed the threats she has received since the ad was launched just before Thanksgiving.

Because solidarity means never having to have a conscience.

"You are alone in the wilderness," one person wrote to her in an email. "Your best bet is to start a job search soon. Better hope the unemployment gets extended. Enjoy your isolation."

Well that's not so bad.  Just a statement of fact: when you take sides against the family union, expect to get squashed. I mean it's not like a threat of bodily harm or something like that.

She told 12 News that she has been blistered by negative and vicious emails and phone messages at school and on Facebook, including one suggesting she get protection.

Ah, there it is.

"I just want to go in my classroom and teach," LaCroix said, "I get it now, why people don't speak up."

That's exactly what they're counting on. The Democrats they continually bribe contribute to to keep the public cash flowing all got chased from office.  Intimidation's all they've got left.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It Would Be Even More Apt if It Were Called "Person Of Our Planet"

Time Magazine's Person of the Year is...


Ta da:

It makes perfect sense if you consider the acronym "Person Of The Year" forms.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Fiat Candidacy

Yes, KAR hosts ads now. I would make a wisecrack here, but I'm pretty sure anything I'd write would be against AdSense's TOS, so I won't in the interest of keeping that sweet sweet gravy train rolling.

But I would like to draw attention to one ad that's been in heavy rotaton lately:

Send your fiat currency in, so this man can put a stop to fiat currency!

Judging from the legions of followers who reflexively exclaim "Errrrr...FIAT CURRENCY!!!1!11!" at the slightest provocation, why is the the R0n P@ul campaign asking for "money"?  Maybe he has faith it will hold its value 'til at least the Florida primary?

I wonder if the camaign accepts contributions of gold ingots.       

Friday, December 09, 2011

KAR's Whiskey of the Week (Vol. I)

This new weekly(?) KAR feature is brought to you by the good folks at Apple Valley Liquors: the place to buy booze if you're in Apple Valley, and you are me.

When rating whiskey (or anything for that matter) the one thing you need is an inflexible rating system that weighs certain irrelevant aspects of the thing being rated as importantly as the relevant ones. And no scale fits that bill better than the one Chad the Elder over at Fraters Libertas uses to rate beers he gets for free (the bastard).

For some reason, whenever I see Chad employ his rigid beer-tasting rubrics, I am reminded of this famous cinematic moment:

Since I have nothing more relevant to whiskey to go by on such short notice, mainly from lack of looking, we'll just have to crib the beer tasting Protocols of the Elder for our purposes today.

So our whiskey of the week is the new 2 Gingers Irish Whiskey.  2 Gingers is distilled in special batches in Ireland (in the good and holy part; not the sodding limey scum part) as directed and imported by local publican Kieran Folliard, owner of The Local and Kieran's Irish Pub in downtown Minneapolis.

Clear glass bottle with the name printed vertically down a brown label. Kieran's signature appears over an Irish flag.  The bottle has a screw cap with a thread that strips easily meaning you can't fully tighten it. The neck has an aesthetically pleasing bulge in it too. Overall, a nice looking bottle that appears well-suited to pouring its contents into a glass or flask.  However, if you are going to pour it into a flask, I suggest using a funnel.

STYLE: Irish whiskey.

Alcohol by volume: 40%

COLOR (0 to 2): Brown. Like whiskey. 2

AROMA (0 to 2): Smells like whiskey and alcohol. 2

HEAD (0 to 2): There is no head. It's whiskey. Good lacing. 0

TASTE (0 to 5): Strong whiskey flavor on the pull. There's more of a bite to it on the palate than Jameson's or that other fooking scum-buggering limey Irish swill which name shall appear naught ever on this page.  There is an oaky quality that gives an almost bourbony taste; no doubt from being aged in sherry casks.  Lot's of heat on the finish.  Eminently drinkable. Unlike the whiskey's moniker, this baby's got soul! (I'm sorry, but there are a lot of people waiting for that joke, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give it to them.  I personally find redheads to be hot, soul or no soul.) 4

AFTERTASTE (0 to 2): I could set the carpet on fire with my breath. 2

OVERALL (0-6): Wait. Didn't I just already rate every aspect of this spirit including it's fooking color? This seems redundant and duplicative.  I'll just add up the scores I already gave. 10

TOTAL SCORE (0-19): 20

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Moron Mail

Strap yourselves in. Today's moron can't seem to grasp the import of a common preposition:

I noticed that you referred to the recent serial bank robber as the "Man in Black" ("'Man in Black' changes clothes for latest heist," Dec. 7).

Because that's what the FBI calls him, due to the fact that he wore a black hoodie in previous robberies.

This infers that the robber is a black man, even though you know he's white.

No.  It doesn't.  Allow me:


There are threee words in "Man in Black".  1) Man. 2) In. 3) Black.  All three of these words work together to make a description of our perp.  Let's take them in turn:

Man.  A male of the human species; for example, "that person over there with the penis is a man".  This bank robber is a man.

In.  A prepostion used to indicate inclusion within something else; for example, "a man in clothing".  This bank robber wears clothing.

Black.  The color of darkness, obsidian, coal; for example, "THE SWEATSHIRT THIS ROBBER USUALLY WEARS IS BLACK YOU STUPID STUPID MORON!!!!!!"

He was recently shown on the evening news wearing a yellow jacket, but is still being referenced as the "Man in Black" and not the "Man in Yellow."

See linked article above.

Please state the news clearly and accurately. This is a white male robbing people.

You can criticize the Strib all you want, but referring to a robber as the "Man in Black" who was nicknamed by the agency investigating him as the "Man in Black", is pretty straight-up reporting. Perhaps the letter writer is insinuating Eric Holder is a racist?

Perhaps you will do a story on the harm this type of racism causes.

I hope not.  If you give crazy people what they want, they'll just want more.

Once you research the subject, you may find that your writers will be more careful with their rhetoric. I know journalists value accuracy.


I am researching the subject now.



Ok. Done.  When I hear "Man in Black" two things pop immediately to mind.  And this has been confirmed by an incredibly scientific Google image search.

1) The movie "Men in Black":


Men in black movie poster.  Note:
one "man in black" is "white".
2) Johnny Cash, the original Man in Black:
Johnny Cash: notorious white guy.
Note that neither of those things is racially tinged in least because I - and I suspect everybody other than some knee-jerking bitty in lily-white Stillwater - knows what the meaning of "in" is.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

It's On in a Manner Not Unlike Donkey Kong

As I promised yesterday, it's time to begin the 2011-2012 MOB / ORGASMB Mayoral campaign! Here's how it will go:

STEP 1: Nominations will be taken by me (as acting MOB Secretary of State for Life) until I don't feel like taking them any more. Candidates must fit the following criteria:

1) Be a member of the MOB or ORGASMB in good standing or an anthropomorphic foul-mouthed chimp.

2) Is not nor ever has been associated with certain known doucheblogs.

3) Paulbots will be dealt with amusingly.

But Foot - shouldn't we hold a recall election to remove the current mayor first?

Well, that would be stupid.  What kind of deranged jackasses would recall a perfectly competent and honest politician when we have periodic elections on dates certain to allow the populace to make the decision to remove said politician.  I mean you have to be a real soulless, self-entitled, rage-addicted and vindictive ninny to do something so drastically overwrought and wrong.  Stupid hypothetical fuckers.

Where was I? Oh yeah:

STEP 2: After a 73 debates and a period of mudslinging and general slanders, an election will be held among all candidates.  Simple majority wins.  If no candidate gets a simple majority, we have a runoff election between the top two candidates.

KAR hereby nominates Bobo to be your next mayor. [ACCEPTANCE SPEECH]

Submit your nominations now. Go.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

KAR FAQ - Extreme Makeover: Bobo Edition

Time once again, after a long absence, to reach into the hypothetical mailbag to extract conjectural reader questions and provide theoretical responses as if they had actually been real.

So, you're uh back then.  Huh?

Yes.  I guess.

Well, that's something then, isn't it?

I suppose.

I know that you are a must-read inside the State Capitol.  Is there anything you'd like to say to our elected representatives?

Yes.  *ahem*

Build the Block E casino.  Build it now.  Build it large.  Make it nice. Now.

Oh no! Surely you don't support the expansion of gambling! Think about all the secondary effects and new gambling addicts!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???!!!?1!!/??

I don't give a flying crap about the children (other than my own - the ones I'm responsible for). I can throw craps in Nevada and Wisconsin and even Io-freaking-wa, but in Minnesota I am not allowed to wedge my way into a crowded $10 table next to the stickman - as is our God-given right as sentient human adults. What kind of pansy are you anyway?

B-b-b-b-b-but what about the Indians?

What about 'em?  Block E is planned to be an upscale (think: Belaggio) joint in downtown Minneapolis - 30 miles from the nearest Indian casino. The two casinos would appeal to two different types of clientele.  Block E would draw the swanky martini-swilling Don Draper crowd as well as visitors staying downtown for the annual comic book or Furry conventions.  Mystic Lake won't lose an iota of their current target demographics: dessicated elderly slot jockeys hooked up to oxygen tanks and frat boys who think they know how to count cards.

But if it makes you feel any better, allow the Indians to host craps tables too.  It can be like downtown Vegas vs. the Strip 500x odds versus 5x odds and low vs. high table minimums.

You state a compelling case!  And the Vikings could then build their stadium without any taxpayer money!

Whoa there, Petunia!  I never said anything about giving any money to the Vikings.  That would just be stupid.
Moving on, I have a question that I am sure is burning in every mind in KAR Nation: Is Bobo the Talking Chimp® still alive?

Yes he is. And he is now 73% creepier. Bobo?

What ever happened to the MOB Mayor?

I don't know. I've been on hiatus for two years.  You tell me.

Well, the mayor was this guy named Johnny Roosh.  But he disappeared and hasn't been heard from in a long time.  The ensuing power vacuum has sown uncertainty and discord throughout the MOB.

The MOB is dead, remember? ORGASMB is the big new thing.

Oh come on! "ORGASMB" is just some silly fake thing you came up with to brilliantly express a point through satire like you always do.

ORGASMB is real, alright.  You just can't fake something like ORGASMB.

Whatever. Will you please moderate an emergency special election for MOB mayor anyway?  A desperate MOB neeeeeeds you!

*sigh* I suppose.  Coming soon, I guess.  But I warn you: in recent years, the MOB mayoral election has meant nothing but ennui and ruin to those unlucky enough to win it.  In fact, you have to go back to the first Mayor to even see anything even remotely resembling excellence in the office.  But I could be wrong.  I'm out of touch, and it's been a while since I thought about any of this.

Mister, we could use a man like Bogus Doug again., about Bogus Doug...


[Discrete whispering]



This KAR FAQ is over!

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Paulbots Can Teach Us a Lot About Something or Other

NOTE: The following post has been Google-proofed for the author's sanity.

In the past couple weeks, I have learned the following things thanks to disciples acolytes worshipers fanatics supporters of perenial presidential also-ran R0n P@u1.  This is more a recap than anything:

1. Jews hate Sharia law because Sharia law forbids demand or payment of interest and all Jews are bankers.

2. "They" (whomever that is) delete or censor everything from freedom loving Americans, or something.

3. I, among other things:

a) Am ignorant;

b) Involved in some sort of "circle jerk" (whatever that is, but I sure hope he didn't mean the Urban Dictionary definition of that term);

c)  Don't think for myself;

d) Need my "infolio divirsified" (I have no idea).

4. The CIA is responsible for everything that has gone on in Egypt in the past few months.

5.  Any politician anywhere who ever had a lapse of judgement or deviated the even the slightest iota from 100% snow-white pure Libertarian orthodoxy is the devil spawn; satan incarnate walking amongst us, whose very existance debases us all.

6. Just a general observation: why be merely wrought when you can be overwrought?

Those R0n P@u1 folks sure know a lot of stuff no one else knows about!

I think this may become a regular feature.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Total Recall -or- The Broadway Musical "Rent" Can Teach Us a Lot About Political Featherbedding

So let's get this straight:

* Public unions donate bigtime money to Democrats running for office.

* Democrats running for office use the money to get elected.

* Once elected, these Democrats (if a sufficient number of them get elected), as one of the duties of their office, bargain with these same unions - who gave them all that money to get them elected - to set the level of their members' pay, benefits etc.?

Most people would call this, charitably, patronage; or uncharitably, "legalized bribery by proxy".  Such models are fine in sewers like Chicago where they've come to be accepted practice over dozens of years. And you know, Illinois is the model of fiscal stability, so whatever.

But if you really think about it, it's kind of a shitty deal for taxpayers, who effectively have no spot at the bargaining table, even though they are funding whatever contract is reached.

Side note: ever notice that it's fine-to-the-point-of-recalling-a-Governor for unions to throw money at candidates so that those candidates in turn will throw more money from the public treasury back at them.  But if a corporation donates money to a PAC these same people start shrieking like a bunch of little bitches about how "unjust" and "corrupt" the system is.

That is why I try to ignore those people.

So a guy comes along who runs for governor saying he's going to change that if he's elected, and does.

That, of course, cannot stand (even though 52% of the voters in Wisconsin said it could as recently as last November).

And thus the Wisconsin recall of Scott Walker is in full swing:

Organizers of the effort to recall Wisconsin Republican Gov. Scott Walker from office said Monday they have collected 300,000 signatures, more than half of what is needed to force an election.

The United Wisconsin coalition needs 540,208 signatures by Jan. 17 to force a recall election sometime in 2012. They reported Monday that over half the number needed had been collected in just 12 days, with signatures coming in from all 72 Wisconsin counties.

The recall drive was motivated by anger over Walker’s proposal effectively ending collective bargaining rights for most public workers. The law passed in March despite massive protests and the fleeing of all 14 Democratic state senators to Illinois for three weeks.
Assuming all the signatures are valid (I don't - because I don't trust these people, that's why) the entitlement addicts are already halfway to their goal of 540,208 signatories to their petition.


You know, this makes me want to...




(Sung to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from the musical "Rent".)

Cheesy midi version here. Sing along!

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures;
Five hundred forty thousand
Bitter Democrats

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
Why do lefties act - act like brats?

In petitions - In elections
In outrage - In union cash
In bitching - In moaning
In slanderous TV ads up the ass!

In - Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures;
How Do You Measure
How many suckle at the state teat?

How about rage?
How about rage?
How about rage?
Vein-popping rage.

Elections of rage.
Elections of rage.


Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
Five hundred forty thousand
Addresses and names

Five hundred forty thousand
Two hundred eight signatures
How do you measure how many people
Ride the state gravy train?


It's past time that we turn
To a stupid recall election
The bridges we will burn
To keep that big fat pension


It's time now - to campaign
Election season never ends
Let's start a PAC
Donate your dues to your Democrat friends


Monday, November 28, 2011

How Would You Like to See the Vikings' Season End?


Now.  Please.


The Vikings show once and for all they can't even fail correctly by running the table, winning their remaining games, and getting the 8th or 9th pick in the draft, which they use to draft a long snapper.


Planning for the future, the Vikings trade soon-to-be-over-the-hill running back Adrian Peterson for a 3rd and a 4th round draft pick and the nephew of Herschel Walker.


Minnesota Attorney General Lori Whatserface (Hatch?) obtains an indictment and conviction of Zygi Wilf on racketeering charges and has him deported to Sweden even though he claims that he's not from there.


Can we please stop talking about the Vikings?


A drunken 350 pound Viking fan sitting in the upper deck of the Metrodome at the Viking's final home game mistakenly thinks she sees an image of Tim Tebow in her basket of nachos.  Overcome with emotion she strips naked during the 3rd quarter, takes to the field and starts humping the east goalpost.  The remaining crowd, all bolting for the exit at once to avoid seeing such a thing (though the Vikings losing by 4 touchdowns at the time doesn't help), causes a sudden decrease of air pressure leading to the second roof collapse in as many years. Zygi Wilf, disgusted, doesn't wait until the end of the game to move the team to Des Moines, and also buys most of northern Ramsey County, renaming it "Zygiland" and allowing it to be annexed by Canada.  Governor Dayton emerges briefly from his office, says something incoherent to the press, and then crawls under his receptionist's desk to suck his thumb.  With nowhere else left to turn, Minnesotans try to become Packer fans only to see Wisconsin's governor mobilize the Wisconsin National Guard to the banks of the St. Croix River holding large banners reading "GET BENT YOU NOUVEAU-HOSER BANDWAGON JUMPERS!"

How would you like to see the Vikings season end?
Free polls from

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The MOB is Dead. Long Live the ORGASMB!

UPDATE: WELCOME DUMP BACHMANN WINDOWLICKERS!!! Speaking of kooks and nutballs...

Now that you're here, please go away and return to stalking people or seething in impotent rage in your basements, or whatever the hell it is you do. But do please say "hi" to former Screw magazine "cartoonist" Ken Weiner for me! Then watch him jump into the closet and hide like a little girl at the very mention of me!



Perusing the postings by several folks in the Minnesota Organization of Blogs Facebook page and elsewhere, I have made a regrettable observation:
The MOB has achieved a critical mass of crackpots and kooks.  It's time to bail. 

The impetus of my epiphany came for the following exchange.  My first, and last on that forum.  The context is unimportant.

KOOK 1: Blah blah blah BLAH BLAH blah blah THE JEWS!!!!! blah blah blah blah [indecipherable conspiracy nonsense] blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!

KOOK 2:  [Nearly iindecipherable declaration of approval for Kook 1's assertions, along with more nonsense expressed through a slew of misspelled words.] RON PAUL!!!!!

ME:  We need a MOB Facebook page for non-lunatics. 

[What follows is - I shit you not - the verbatim replies to my admittedly provocative comment.]

KOOK 1:  For Foot, ignorance is bliss! Have fun in your circle jerk!

KOOK 2:  @foot your funny why don't we delete your posts at every turn and shut your mike off when u speak and when u eventually do I'll label u a fascist freak...

ME:  Like I said...

KOOK 1:   Lucky for me, Foot, you or those that DO NOT THINK FOR THEMSELVES do not define me. You describe yourself well!

Diversifi your infolio, otherwise you are just talking to yourself!

[Note: after this exchange, I deleted my comments so that it looks like the Kooks are talking to themselves.  Just like when they're offline.]

I don't want to be associated with these insane knee jerkers any more.  I therefore and hereby with all due speed, humility and regret secede from the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers effective immediately. The MOB is over, most of you just don't know it yet.

However, as nature abhors a vacuum, I have created a new blog alliance that can be sucked into the place of esteem the once-great MOB once held.  I invite all bloggers of goodwill, sanity and - most importantly - coherent thought to join me in the new Organization of Really Great And Sane Minnesota Bloggers. We even have a Facebook page.  It is a closed group requiring moderator approval to join.  That way, we can keep the kooks out.  While the insane political types can be amusing to watch, like Jesse Ventura, they should never be allowed to influence anything or make themselves representatives of the whole because of their outspokenness.  Like Jesse Ventura.

I am now accepting applications for this new blog alliance.  You're blog is guaranteed acceptance if you meet the following three requirements: 1) You don't believe that America is run by a cabal of Jewish bankers bent on world domination; B) You are otherwise free from paranoid delusions; and 4) you can construct a coherent sentence with passable grammar and most of the words spelled correctly (sorry Teh Andee).  You can apply in the comments to this post or on the Facebook page.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011


In a move that can only be attributed to the return of KAR and the existential threat that bore on its mission, longtime KAR pincushion The Minnesotaoros Monitor "Independent" is calling the dogs and pissing on the campfire:

I am writing today to announce the closure of the Minnesota Independent. After five years of operation in Minnesota, the board of the American Independent News Network, has decided to shift publication of its news into a single site, The American Independent at

Ah, taking it national! This will inevitably lead to literally tens of people throughout the country frequently mumbling "Who the hell is Bradlee Dean and why do these hunyucks keep writing about him?"

This is part of a shift in strategy, towards new forms of journalism made available as technology has advanced,

So now they're going to beam leftist BS masquerading as "news" directly into your brains now, apparently.

and an increasing emphasis on national coverage and issue-based coverage from our network.

Because the glorious advance of technology has made local politics obsolete!

Over the coming months, AINN will announce a number of new journalism initiatives that will continue to advance our mission of producing impact journalism in the public interest.

More concentrated Sorosbucks and a tab on the webpage dedicated exclusively to Bradlee Dean!

To some this move may seem to mean that The Center for "Independent" Media (or whatever Orwellian moniker they go by now) sees Their Guy in the White House in trouble a year out of the election and decided their resources might be more effectively marshaled toward helping get his sorry ass reelected rather than by constantly reporting on every bowel movement of some third-rate kook radio preacher. Oh, and the Republican primaries are about a month away too...
But those familiar with KAR know better.  They know: we scared them shitless.
I'd like to thank Ryan (AKA "Xerxes") and Mitch over at Shot in the Dark who contributed to this victory through their persistent mocking and cajoling of the CIM (OWOMTGBN) over the years.  While KAR could have done it without you, it may have taken longer.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Why Twitter Sucks and Is Bad

Twitter annoys me.

Well, it's not really Twitter itself that sucks, though it certainly does share some guilt as an enabler (more on that in a moment).  Twitter is a perfectly fine communication medium in and of itself.  Heck, I learned about Michael Jackson's death on Twitter.  Of course, I also read the news about Jeff Goldblum's and Bill Cosby's deaths on it as well.

It's really about the people who use it without regard to the followers whose timelines are crammed with inane, incoherent, redundant and incomprehensible crap. In a timeline of an hour's worth of accumulated tweets, one has to weed through approximately 400 pieces of chaff to get to two kernels of something that bears a resemblance to being even somewhat worthwhile.  To wit, in no particular order (and here, if you use twitter, I'm probably going to indirectly insult you in some way):

Stupid, half-assed memes

@Penileimplant We hold these wieners to be self-evident. #replaceawordinthedeclarationofindependencewithwiener

Some of these are amusing.  Most make you instantly regret using the precious seconds of your life to read this tripe. All outlive their usefulness after you see about 50 of them.

Hearing half a conversation

@TrampyMcHoho Oh, yeah @Fleenborowitz, well your just dumb for tweeting that.

@TrampyMcHoho Sorry for flying off the handle at you @Fleenborowitz. Of course I dip my cat in mayonaise.

@TrampyMcHoho LOLOLOLOL #drycleaning



Illiterate, bromide-spouting athletes

@KillerMcLinebacker Goign inta Philly an gonna get all up there shiznit! #Godisgreat #excellence

Self explanatory.

Retweet whoring of illiterate bromide-spouting athletes

RT @Duckfacedguido Yo @KillerMcLinebacker; Can I get a RT for the biggest @KillerMcLinebacker fan in south Utah!

Just because daddy never loved you - well, actually, it's easy to see why daddy never loved you.

News feeds that try to report everything

@NewsBreakage Rblarghistan's Minister of Poultry announced today that he may consider retirement at some point.

LearnedFoot announced today that he is unfollowing your sorry ass in favor of a news organization that's a bit more selective about what it tweets.

Twitter evangelists

There's been a nugget I've seen retweeted a number of times that pretty much sums up why I view Twitter as less of a medium and more of a pathology.  It generally goes something like this:

@Sadsackloserface Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met.  Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

Actually, this just means you suck at making friends in the corporeal world.  If I ever build up such a vein-popping admiration for people I know only through their (albeit well-crafted) 140 character bursts of mental flatus, it will be time for me to retire alone to the wilderness, wearing naught but a rabbit fur loincloth.

Play by play of TV shows / sports games / political debates I didn't watch

Few things make me want to gouge an eyeball out with Helen Thomas' dick more than opening my timeline to see 500 tweets giving the blow by blow action of last night's Dolphins-Browns tilt.  Live blogging served this purpose just fine.  Also, if I didn't watch the show / game / debate last night, it wasn't because I wanted to piece it together the next morning through tweets.

And now I'm off to post the link to this rant on Twitter.  Please retweet.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


[Several hours later.  Kool Aid Guy feeling better.]

KOOL AID GUY: So what did I miss?

BILL: Well, Apple Computer now makes phones.

KAG: That's good!

BILL: At first you could only use them with AT&T

KAG:  That's bad.

BILL: There was an outbreak of bird flu, followed by an outbreak of swine flu.

KAG: That's bad!

BILL: Both strains killed a total of three people.

KAG:  That's, er...good.

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: The President is a black guy now.

KAG:  That's good!

HOAG: He's an unapologetic socialist who is way out of his depth.

KAG:  That's bad.

OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY: Brett Favre played for the Vikings.

KAG: That's bad!

OPG: He completely destroyed the franchise for years to come.

KAG:  That's... totally expected.

ANALOG KID: This gag was totally ripped off from The Simpsons.

KAG:  That's bad.

Awkward silence.

HOAG: In other news, nobody reads blogs anymore. Wait. [Checks analytics and comments.] Yep. Nobody.

KAG: Why is that?

BILL: Because everybody uses Twitter now.

KAG: What's a Twitter?

HOAG: It's like sending text messages to the world while getting stalked by creepy people.

KAG: Why in the world would anyone want to do that?

[A door flies open.  LEARNEDFOOT stumbles into room.]

LEARNEDFOOT: Why indeed!

BILL: Uh oh.  I feel a rant coming on...

[And scene.]

Friday, October 28, 2011


Foot. Where?

The world had fully come into focus. He could see them now. All of them, and hear them clearly. All his senses were back, and he could tell he was laying in a bright red puddle of sweet cherry-flavored fluid.

That's from me, he thought.

His friends answered him.

He's not here.

His eyes darted around and he saw it to be true.  LearnedFoot was not there.  But where could he -


Yeah.  It's pretty pretentious too.  Knock it off.

Can we at least go to Conversational Script Mode?


BILL: All right!  That's much better.

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Gawd.  I was going cross-eyed looking at all those italics.


XERXES: Poop fart poop fart poop fart.

ANALOG KID: Hi.  I'm just here.

KOOL AID GUY: (Still struggling) Where Foot?

BILL: He's not here.

HOAG: Yeah, he's on vacation.  Or died in a meth lab explosion. Not sure which.

KOOL AID GUY: (Wheezing) When?


BILL: But until then, we've got a lot of catching up to do. You've been away a long time.  Many things have changed. Come, let's go talk over a nice slice of pie...

(Continued.  Maybe.  If I feel like it.)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


He knew this place.  He had been here before, though not laying prone on the floor as was his current position.

He was back from wherever he had been.  He tried to turn his head, but could not.  He stared blankly up at four blurry figures looking back down at him.

Whatever made you think a defibrulator would work on...that?


He knew them.  These were people from his past.  The names escaped him, but the voices...

The voices were held in his memory.  They were his friends; or at least his accomplices. As his eyesight continued to resolve, he recognized them.  He tried to speak but was struggling to remember how.  One of the men patted him on his - head?

We should get him back to where he belongs.

There's no hurry. Let him rest and come around.


I agree. I've got pies to decorate!  Let's go here!

Just be patient. He'll be back to normal before too long.  He's been away a long time.

He knew he had to return.  He wanted to return, but he needed time. Contorting himself so that he could look at as many of them as possible without moving his fragile, achy body too much, he again tried to speak. This time it came.



Friday, October 21, 2011


He heard a voice.  He was sure it was a voice.


A Conversation. They were words he didn't understand, but they were words.


Ah sss-ink we ssssssvive it ifffffffffffff we ssssssssssssss.

Motion stopped.  The floating sensation ceased. He felt more like he was being suspended in place.

By what?

He moved slightly.  Then again. 

Sssssssssry it nowsssssssssssssss.


A searing pain shot through his...well, he didn't know. Body? Form? He lurched upward violenly, then floated back down to where he was before. The voices grew more frequent.  And he began to recognize the words.

Do it again.

The pain lanced him as he lurched upward a second time. He tried to stifle a scream. He failed.


Yeah, I heard that too. One more time.


The pain ripped through him a third time.  As he rose, it was if the hypothetical shade had been ripped from the imaginary window, noontime sunlight pouring in.

Light. First in the corner.  Then spreading.

And the glassy eye fluttered open.

Continued. (Next Tuesday)   

Wednesday, October 19, 2011



No, not exactly.  There was some light; like that which seeps through around the edges of a black-out shade. Enough light to see there was nothing.

He was there, rising and descending in the ether. Not crashing to earth or tumbling off into whatever.  Just floating. He was neither being nor nothing.  He knew - if that was the correct word for it - that he was something. Cognito ergo sum. He was.

Or wasn't.  He gouldn't be sure. But he was here, wherever "here" was. He knew he wasn't "there" - a sunny beach, a skyscraper, a lavatory.  

So he was or he wasn't, here or anywhere, wherever any of those things were or weren't, unlit or otherwise.  And this narration has gone completely off the fucking rails. 


He heard a voice.

Continued (Friday)...



Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Belated congrats to King Whatshisname

I interrupt my retirement to very belatedly announce and congratulate King Banaian who won a seat in the MN House. Fun (made-up) fact: Minnesota State administrators hired Koolaid Report to make his nameplate. We accepted the job with glee:

I now return to my previously scheduled retirement in progress.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Bachelor Premiere Liveblog LOVEblog

Aaaaaand we're back. Refresh early. Refresh often.

(This Liveblog is dedicated to Ryan.)

7:05 - Late start. Mrs. Foot was hogging the laptop.

7:06 - The new - er, old - Bach proclaims he's ready for love. Six year old Moonchild replies "no you're not"! Oh SNAP!


7:10 - Bach has a big "F" tattooed on his back. Make up your own obvious joke here.

7:11 - We meet our first B-ette: a dentist who talks to statues. I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE'S STILL SINGLE!

7:12 - B-ette #2 is an embalmer. I swear I am not making any of this up.

7:13 - B-ette # 3 is a weeper.

7:15 - B-ette # 4 is a cat person. I think this season is going to end just like Brad's first one.

7:16 - #6 is a single mom. RUN AWAY BRAD!

7:17 - #7 is a "manscaper". She rips the hair off of men's scroti. Sounds about right.

7:17 - Aaaand this catch is an aspiring vampire. PERSONAL NOTE: Starting 2nd glass of Bushmills.

7:17 - This Bachelorette is a country-western lyric who wishes she were dead. This Brad is one lucky guy.



7:25: CHRIS: Why would you do this again Brad? BRAD: I am a better man now. ME: No, you just are having trouble getting laid.

7:26: BACH: "I went thru years of therapy". And I foresee several more after spending six weeks with these freaks.

7:28: Bach's former dumpees are in the house! This would be dramatic except for the fact that sometime last season, The Bachelor had a "where are they now?" episode where the two babes said they were cool with him.

******* COMMERCIAL BREAK *********

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I will have to take a short break around 8:00 to put kids to bed. Please don't think I've abandoned you.

7:32 - Bach: "I feel like an idiot". So do we Brad. So. Do. We.

OBSERVATION: Brad reminds me a little of a less-douchey or more well-endowed Brett Favre.

7:34 - BOOOOOOORING! This dumpee interview would be a lot more interesting if the girls started a catfight and started tearing each other's clothes off.

7:34 - ...And then started making out.

7:38 - Something to ponder during the commercial: Why do people google the phrase "hockey sucks"? According to my sitemeter, a lot of them do, and then leave turds in my comment threads. It's like an entire sport has an inferiority complex. Discuss.


7:42 - Hit her back! You pussy.

7:44 - FUN GAME: Take a drink every time the Bach sez "I love you already". Have the poison control center on speed dial.

7:45 - Drink!

7:46 - OK. Crazy Dentist Chick is pretty smokin'. I'll cop to it. Still wouldn't let her near me with a drill.

PROTIP: Ladies, fangs = dealbreaker. Call me shallow, but I'm just speaking truth.

7:51 - Still waiting for the Token Black Chick Who Will Make It to the Second Round to Placate the Diversity Crowd, But No Further™ (TBCWWMISRPDCBNF).

7:56 - The blonde insurance agent looks a lot like annoying orange.

7:58 - What the hell was the point of that?

7:59 - She's wearing ruby slippers, because she's from Kansas. Get it?

8:00 - I'm from Milwaukee, so I'm wearing cheese. Get it?

8:01 - Oh my. Keltie just let America know that she shaves her cooter.

8:02 - Mrs. Foot finally chimes in: "Where do they find these people"? Um, Kansas?

8:02: This one's a foodie. Brad looks like he'd like to eat her. (It's after 8; I can work blue now.)


During the break, ponder the fact that no matter where you live, I now have a worse governor than you do. Unless you live in Minnesota. Then we'd be tied.

8:11 - Bach tells the ladies that if any of them wants to leave because they don't want to date a scuzzy retread, they can go. Shockingly, none of the publicity whores "Bachelorettes" accept the invitation.

8:18 - The only one that hasn't annoyed Mrs. Foot yet is the North Carolina country song babe.

8:19 - 5th glass of Bushmills

8:20 - We may have a televised waxing. The first since the Packers played the Vikings in the Metrodome in November.

8:21 - "Waxed Package" - THAT SHALL BE THE NAME OF MY BAND!!!!!

8:22 Mrs. Foot would like to know who calls a man's harry ass a "booty".

8:23 - That chick's singing just made the rest of Brad's hair fall off.

8:23 - There is NO WAY those are real.

8:24 - Sisyphus asks in the comments: "Does he get to sleep with all of these chicks"? Long answer: Not. Enough. Penicillian. In. The. World.

Short answer: Yes.

8:29 - Earth's greatest threat? Ryan Rhodes after eating a bulb of elephant garlic?

8:30 - I have decided to perform the remainder of this Liveblog while drinking my 6th glass of Bushmills and playing "Day Tripper" on the guitar.

8:31 - And hedflensajlfnd.n.fngsd; kbmngks;dfmgskmgkasmfgalkmlkmsm. Shit.

8:33 - Alright, here we go with Fangs.

8:35 - On the one hand, she's cool and sexy. On the other hand SHE'S A FUCKING PSYCHO!

8:36 - Give the rose to Fangs. PLEASE!

8:37 - Mrs. Foot wanted Emily to get the First Impression Rose®. We were both outsmarted by Brad Womack, who gave it to Ashley.

8:38 - Now searching for razor blades after realization that I was outsmarted by Brad Womack.

8:41 - I want to beat up the song "Turn the Beat Around". Then kill it and eat its children.

8:42 - BTW, I believe that "Turn the Beat Around's" children are "You Turn Me Right Round" and anything by the Bay City Rollers.

8:45 - OMG teh rose ceremony! EVERYBODY BE QUIET!

8:46 - Bach: "Three years is a long time to change." Huh?


There is NO WAY the producers had anything to do with that. This is *reality* TV after all.

8:48 - The esthetician got a rose followed by the shaved cooter chick. I SMELL A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY (among other things...ewww).

8:50 - Good God - how many roses are there?

8:51 - Chantelle *M*? You mean there's more than one Chantelle????

8:52 - Confirmed: there are 2 Chantelles. There are zero Bridgets.

8:55 - OK fellas -there are at least 15 skanky babes out there that are definitely on the rebound. Unfortunately, none of them have fangs. Go get 'em!

8:56 - This historic Liveblog is over! (Stay tuned for Castle.)